At AOL, your personal information is sacred and forever just as secure as we see fit for it to be, and we promise.

We are committed to never selling off your personal, private information to other companies like some third rate spam company. At the same time, however, we reserve the right to barter, trade, share, lend, pass-off, pass-between, co-mingle and/or declassify this same so-called "sacred" information, but only so long as it's convenient and/or profitable for us to do so.

Further, we are committed to insuring the ongoing obsene profitability of these same third party spammers as they wish to reach you at your home or office with all kinds of wonderful, value added offers. Don't Forget, they're only trying to help you.

In the unlikely event you have not already been deluged by thousands of spam messages or ten of millions of popups and pieces of direct mail sent straight to your home at your billing address, which most likely has happened, rest assued that we will perpetually contact you ourselves by the hour with offers of the latest news, broadband offers, live chat, dating, football, home based businesses, hotels discounts, kitty Porn, mortgage deals, parenting advice, online pharmaceuticals, investments, free spyware, toolbar, travel bargains, Viagra information, web hosting, and even the white slave trade.

By agreeing to subscribe to AOL, you give AOL and any of it's 46,000 affiliates exclusive, non-restricted, broad sweeping rights to your personal, financial, familial and private, personal information. By viewing any page hosted by AOL, even indirectly, you agree to all of the above, plus an unholy tithe of no less than 8% of your gross (pre-tax) income and agree to vote Cheney/Rumsfeld in 2008. Further, you agree that our content censorship and photo cropping, compressing, re-sizing, reducing, refusing, curtailing, desecration, blurrification, pixelization, and overall destruction and uselessification policies.

You may subscribe to whatever you like throughout our network without any additional fear of personal privacy invasion, as any and all possible invasions of your privacy have already long since been set for absolute exploitation. Hey man, we're AOL and you're a dumb, dumb bastard.