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AOL Investement/Portfolio Management

As an AOL subscriber, you obviously have some amount of money on tap, at the very least a spare pair of Andrew Jackson's in any given month.

By the very nature of being an AOL subscriber, we already know a couple things about you. First is that you are 26% likely to have a (literal) ton of cash. Second is that you don't know Dow Jones from Davey Jones from Davey Jones locker. Lastly, and most importantly, is that, as an AOL victim, I mean subscriber, that you'll believe just about anything you read on the internet. That's where Portfolio@AOL comes greedily and giddily in to play.

Maybe you're disenchanted with other online investment companies, or more likely, you're a web newbie and you still think "web money" is crazy rich free cashola, like a unicorn you can find in your own back yard that craps out huge piles of fresh hundred dollar bills. Either way, AOL has got your back.

Many online investment firms offer trades for exorbitantly high fees like $4 - $7. These are unreliable minions of the devil, and thusly must be cast to hell. Portfolio@AOL is a much, much lesser evil, and our stock trades are priced to move at only $87 each. Don't concern yourself with price, because we offer you so very much more.

Do you want more from your investment to count towards your retirement? We can't guarantee that hope by a damn sight, but if you transfer your life's savings to one of our diversified investment portfolio accounts, well, that would be just super for us.

Our secure-ish, diversified portfolio options span the full gamut of what ivestors want these days. We even include AOL stock, AOL bonds, and even a generous mix of AOL stocks, bonds and forgivable AOL promissory notes. Good luck finding that value elsewhere.

Your financial future awaits you, and so does our senior management and their ex-wives with thier ridiculous God damned alimony claims, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift.

AOL is not a bank nor a certified financial management institution, and frankly, we have no idea what we'll do with your money once you haphazardly entrust it to us, but this disclaimer here, in subtle one-point font, ought to indemnify us agaist any loss incurred.

We'll probably just use the money to print and mail out more start up discs. And why not, it worked swimmingly well for us in 1994.

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