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AOL Accessibility Information

AOL is optimized for highest and best use by any and all users, regardless of system, browser, settings or degree of personal mental illness or retardation.

AOL is best viewed with a monitor set at 640x480 resolution, with a minimum of 64-colors. Some users may choose to go as high as 800x600 resolution with as many as the unimaginable number of 256-colors, but transmissions to end users via the AOL system are all so outlandishly compressed that any setting higher than those listed above are both silly and wasteful of your system resources.

Speaking of system resources, keep 'em as free as you can because AOL is going to gobble them all up like a fresh apple pie waiting on a rural window sill beside a lackluster penitentiary on a hot summers day. Ideally you should have 5.12 gigs of RAM, a hard drive with no less than 40 gigs free for cookies, your internet security set to the lowest possible setting, and always keep everything backed up, as our system has been proven to make you thank your lucky stars that you kept copies of important documents.

The pages on AOL can be reached both via AOL web interface panels as well as from any other internet connected terminal anywhere around the world, with the following limited exceptions.

  • China - For some reason those little, yellow pinko's severely limit access to AOL pages from behind their great firewall of China. Whatever, don't go there, just buy stuff manufactured there. Whatever, who cares.
  • Adequate Firewalled Browsing - If you are attempting to connect to AOL from within an office, or otherwise behind a firewall of even mediocre adequacy, you may find your favorite pages are blocked. This is no discredit to you nor any discredit to us, but rather a statement of AOL's overall inability to contribute, even in the most isolated cases, to workplace productivity. If you're unable to connect to your favorite AOL sites, may we suggest referring to our FAQ page, seeking human help, or quitting your job altogether. Someone will do your job when your gone but the internet isn't about to browse itself, you know.
  • Netscape, NetZero, Net-Inter - If you're trying to reach the AOL server via one of the aformentioned services, all we can say is, don't count on it. These are our arch rivals, so we accordingly have no interest in making our costly, labor intensive service available through, nor compatible with, those cut-rate, half baked, luke warm, clowny assed ISP's. If you want to save a few bucks and get superior service, fine, go use them, but don't come crying to us when everything works out just fine.
  • Using AOL - If you're actually using AOL, you may have some severe problems. Don't worry, we have tutorials available as well as live support chat and a system to directly contact a live human being.

    As far as blindies and retards go, we welcome them to access AOL too, though we don't make it super convenient. It's totally cool and stuff, you know, to take money from cripples, but it's not like they buy a whole lot of the extra stuff that really pays our bills. They just browse around willy nilly through AOL approved pages and ocassionally click an ad or two.

    Here's what we do for the blindies and the tards.

  • We put ALT-Text on all our images for the blind,
  • Optional "shouting" feature can be attributed to all keystrokes,
  • Creepy synth voice can be enabled to speak out page's body text (on cooperating web pages,)
  • Words used on AOL sites are always of the fourth-grade level or lower,
  • Content is always slanted so far to the political right that even a democrat could understand it,
  • Billing is so steadfast and automatic, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand it*, and whether site impaired or not, the many, random, unpredictable, mandatory premium features you'll surely find** listed on your itemized bill*** will rob you blind, so these features will ulitmately be more handy than you might have initially anticipated.

  • While accessibility is a top concern of ours, it remains a distant second behind billing, and thusly garners the fractional attention it deserves. It's not that AOL dislikes you, it's that AOL quite literally could not like you more, which is where we leave both you and this page.

    * You need not be a rocket scientist to understand, nor participate in the billing system, but independent audit has shown that you do have to be one (or a brain surgeon) to figure out how to opt out of it.
    ** AOL reserves the right to add additional items to your bill at any time, without notice, in order to adjust and maintain stock value and corporate revenue. Much like AOL's little brother, the US Economy, it is critical that we retain the right to constantly adjust our cost and revenue streams as needed to maintain levels of inflation and solvency. It's like Allen Greenspan adjusting interest rates, if we don't throw a couple premium features on and take your money for it, the world economy could collapse overnight.
    *** Itemized bills are available for an additional charge, and we can not guarantee that you will recieve it, though we will guarantee that you'll be charged for requesting it. Should we find that you have not been billed for this service, regardless of whether or not you recieved it, we will compensate you by billing you double your anticipated rate, thus a win-win all around for both AOL executives and AOL shareholders alike.

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