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AOL Toolbar for Internet Explorer

You've heard of Internet Explorer toolbars, therefor you know you need one, whatever it is that "one" may be.

Ideally, you will not use Internet Explorer, but rather the AOL interface which we've worked long and hard to (im)perfect. It is already loaded with more (commercially profitable) features than any toolbar on the market, and it works flawlessly on any web page you may wish to view*.

A "toolbar" is an accessory to your web browser that enables additional features, such as enhanced searching, supplemental information, or other additional features. Regardless of which toolbar you may ultimately choose to use, they are all designed to make your web browsing experience more fulfilling, whilst lining the pockets of the company providing it... and whose pockets better to line than those of your good friends at AOL?

With all that in mind, you have many choices in deciding which Internet Explorer toolbar to use. Use this as your guide in choosing which to use.

To hell with:
Alexa -
This toolbar is undisputably bogged down with SpyWare and SpamWare, plus trace amounts of satan and the Green Party. It does nothing good for you unless you're eager to felate It does help the internet rank site's popularity, but such things are better left to AOL and it's partner sites, don't you agree?**

Google - Terrible option. First major detriment is that it blocks the important popup ads you surely wish to see. Further, it assesses importance of sites with complicated algorithms (which they swear are constantly tested and refined), and when you want to email something, it abjectly redirects users to Google's own proprietery email system instead of other far superior systems, such as AOL FreEmail.

Bonzai Buddy slash Weather Bee - If you want 500-bytes of insulting pseudo intelligence with an ounce of quasi-affection, buy a giga pet and a cut rate man-bro, but don't install these C-- toolbars onto any computer you have, even if it's a crippled 386-33. Even you can't really be dumb enough to fall for that nonsense, can you? Don't worry, even reading this page will incite an Active-X script to uninstall them from your system and begin loading literal gigs of AOL proprietery MalWare. Don't sweat it though, the "mal" is for Marsh"mal"low.

Our system offers perpetual links to AOL-friendly commerce, information pages loaded with shallow-discounted commercial opportunities, and modestly adequate search pages stocked to the gills with the sort of paid advertiser placements we've so long been known for. Oh, and a slew of random popups, but that's still totally cool, right?***

* Assuming that the web page you may wish to view is within the cozy confines of AOL.
** Don't answer this, NEVER answer this. The answer is yes, yes you agree. The question was rhetorical.
*** I already warned you about disagreeing with rhetorical questions, didn't I?

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