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09 February 2010 04:22
The Center for Disease Control has issued an “urgent” warning about the spread of a dangerous new disease it’s calling “vampirism” or the DRAC1SUC3 virus. According to the press release issued today by the CDC, there has been an “alarming rise in the number of vampire related deaths or ‘undeaths’ over the last several years.”
Posted in Health0 Comments
09 February 2010 02:22
EXTON, PA – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon [...]
Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments
08 February 2010 09:32
Senator John McCain’s fierce stance against repealing the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law has brought about speculation of his hatred for homosexuals. While McCain cites the hardships that military members face in Iraq and Afghanistan, many others are accusing the senator of attempting to bury his own skeletons.
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics3 Comments
08 February 2010 04:59
Rochester, NY – Hugh Buttnum, an inmate at the Monroe County jail in Rochester, NY, is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off Buttnum’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cell mate, Buttnum, had been fitted with a prosthetic arm when [...]
Posted in Crime0 Comments
08 February 2010 04:18
Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church. Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like [...]
Posted in Scandals, Sportsfolk8 Comments
07 February 2010 11:15
WASHINGTON, D.C.— It all began innocently enough with light flakes around noon in downtown D.C. Forecasters warned of 30 inches or more of heavy, wet snow and powerful winds. Devastating for Washington. It would become the heaviest snowfall since January 1922 in the nation’s capital.
Posted in Top Stories0 Comments
07 February 2010 07:00
In what is hailed as a media coup, former 2008 presidential candidate John Edwards has agreed to an exclusive deal with Jerry Springer Productions. According to Washington insiders, the move is a bold “out of the box” insurgency first step in challenging Barack Obama in 2012. Former McGovern advisor Everest Hauptbottom said, “This could work [...]
Posted in Politics0 Comments
07 February 2010 06:43
OK Hank, Here are a couple philosophical questions for your amusement. Why do men and women have two hands? If the Universe is expanding like my waistline, why does the content of my wallet not do the same? Why do Korean women taste different than Chinese women? Finally… Why do all those Native Americans hate me? -Phil from Philly Dear Phil: Thank you for [...]
Posted in Society0 Comments
06 February 2010 07:00
Laredo, TX – Returning from a recent business conference on immigration in Mexico City, Microsoft Chairman William Gates, the world’s richest man, flew over what will become the new “RioGrande BushWall” near Laredo, Texas. Having told reporters in Mexico earlier, “I’m a big believer that freedom is a good thing,” he also noted that flexibility [...]
Posted in Technology0 Comments
05 February 2010 07:33
A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. We have recreated [...]
Posted in Politics0 Comments
05 February 2010 06:28
Well I am still employed! So things can’t be too bad. Every day while having my coffee and donuts, I read about massive layoffs and wonder if the ax will ever fall over here. So today I am going to offer some valuable tips to the working men and woman of America on how to [...]
Posted in Biz News0 Comments
04 February 2010 05:36
Alcatraz, CA – Thinking about deducting those drinks that you had Friday night as a business expense? You are not alone. Looking for some last minute tax deductions? Well, we can’t help you, but we do have some tips on deductions to help you avoid the wrath of the IRS. IRS 1040 Tax Form.
Posted in Biz News0 Comments
04 February 2010 02:36
A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due [...]
Posted in Biz News, Television0 Comments
03 February 2010 05:35
Programming ceased today at the popular 700 Club network, as Pat Robertson was rushed to the hospital. The 79 year old televangelist complained of “like needles sticking in me all over, particularly in the crotch area.” The attack came as the religous leader was taping part 2 of an ongoing expose on Voodoo and tectonic [...]
Posted in Religionism0 Comments
03 February 2010 02:35
Richmond, VA – As many of you may already know, due to circumstances not entirely out of our control, many of our original sponsors have pulled their support from the first National Tea Party Convention scheduled to take place on February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, TN. Because of this, and the higher than expected fee(s) [...]
Posted in Politics0 Comments
02 February 2010 05:36
Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a [...]
Posted in Technology1 Comment
02 February 2010 02:40
Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex [...]
Posted in Crime0 Comments
01 February 2010 11:23
Upon hearing that Michigan defense contractor, Trijicon, has been supplying the US military with rifle sights inscribed with New Testament Bible passage references on them, Sarah Palin contacted the company’s headquarter offices to try and pull some strings to get a few of the rifle sights for her own hunting rifles.
Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments
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