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Last Updated: Jul 2nd, 2009 - 16:08:06

In the news...

In the news...

Webster to Redefine "Unemployed", "Lazy" to Remain Unchanged

Remarkably, the word "gullible" still does not appear in any published lexicon.

Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits.

When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for Part-Time Jobs, claimed it was due the collapse of the fishing industry and the fact that idiotic EU-imposed catch quotas had been further reduced to four crates of cod or half a dozen dogfish per week.
Jul 2, 2009, 17:03

Puerto Rico Children's Museum No Place for Kids

Museo Del Nino, Puerto Rico... No place to take your kids.

We took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico last week and we saw a bunch of newsworthy things that really rocked the boat of our ability to take the cake. We'll cover all of them in uncomfortable detail in coming weeks, but first I have to point out the horrible travesty on child-named attractions that is the Puerto Rico Children's Museum. All I can say is that it's no place for kids.

We'd setup our visit about a week in advance and we were pretty excited to see this, the only place in San Juan Puerto Rico dedicated entirely to children. We'd read some pretty okay things and the price looked good, but when we got there it all fell apart.
Jul 2, 2009, 06:31

Trust Me, I'm a Pilot: Que?

Buckle up and get ready to fly the friendly skies.

Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast.

A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain"s Mallorca Palma Airport.

Passengers were asked to move seats to the rear of the faulty aircraft to re-distribute the weight so the plane sat level and not nose down, but seventy-odd terrified tourists left the potential flying coffin, fearing for their safety after a couple of bodgers from the airport"s Shit-Fit workshop failed to repair the damaged cargo hatch door with a crowbar and sledge hammer.
Jul 2, 2009, 03:41

Michael Jackson, The King of Freaks, death finally starting to look interesting.

Michael Jackson, even whilst in custody, was famously concerned about the threat of swine flu even before it surfaced.

The general public are breathing a collective sigh of relief, as facts emerge following Michael Jackson's death, showing that his death was not as normal as first thought. Initially, it seemed the King of Freaks had died from a normal, run of the mill, heart attack induced by stress; as opposed to trying to fly like Peter Pan or getting attacked by a chimp as he tried to dress it in human clothes for his daily tea party.

However, as more information seeps out it appears that his is death is not as straight forward as originally thought. Information has emerged detailing, that, prior to dying the singer/dancer/child toucher was injected with a painkiller similar to morphine, knocking it back with a generous portion of "Jesus juice". Michael Jackson's Doctor, a John Smith, describes himself as a "cardiovascular specialist and tarot expert".
Jul 1, 2009, 22:43

Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction

An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall.

The ‘Fenian Jolly Jihad’ group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan’s Swat Valley.
Jul 1, 2009, 14:58

Employee Bathroom Time Monitored With New Electronic Hand Dryer

No matter what you do while you're doing your business, it's business time.

Detroit, Mi- While most employees now are aware that their employers can monitor their phone and email communications, many may not be aware of a new trend being seen in companies across the country.

The latest trend in employee monitoring has extended in to the corporate bathroom. Aided by new finger print recognition technology, those electronic hand dryers mounted on bathroom walls are keeping tabs on how much time individual employees spend in the bathroom.
Jul 1, 2009, 04:20

Soulja Boy Yet to Register with Selective Service

ARLINGTON,VA--In an impromptu press conference held outside Arlington Headquarters, Ernest Garcia, Acting Director of the Selective Service, revealed that 19 year-old DeAndre Ramone Way, popularly known as Soulja Boy, has yet to register with the agency.

"It is a well-known fact that all able-bodied males between the ages of 18 and 25 are required by law to register with the Selective Service," Garcia said. "At a time when President Obama is escalating our efforts against the Taliban, this self-proclaimed Soulja Boy continues to remain unaccounted for. Perhaps if they terrorized 106 & Park-istan, he wouldn't feel so ambivalent towards conscription."
Jun 30, 2009, 06:14

Iran Arrests UK's "Baker's Dozen" Agents Provocateur

Much like the "simulated waterboarding" demonstrations in major US cities, these Iranian homosexuals were publicly executed... Doesn't have anything to do with the story per se, but it does make for a striking lead photo, one is compelled to admit.

The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK’s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their ‘considerable role’ in post-election demonstrations – from inciting riots to supplying US-made cheat software for Diebold ballot counting machines to anti-Mahmoud Ahmasmadashell rabble.
Jun 30, 2009, 02:32

BBC Now Covering Non-News & Mass Distraction, aka Human Interest

Other news organizations choose to blur her profane fingers. Glossy News chose not to due to our deep heritage of integrity.

The BBC ‘Front Page’ news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) – the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age.

This Earth-shattering front page announcement will no doubt reverberate throughout the known Universe for Time Immemorial and alter the way everyday shit-for-brains peasants conceive the Divine Meaning - and Purpose - of Life and the Immortal Soul.
Jun 30, 2009, 00:13

Speaker Election Turns into Monkey-Style Poo-Fling Extravaganza

The race to become the most powerful House of Commons Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate. Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.
Jun 29, 2009, 09:18

Chinese Chopsticks Recalled

Bejing, China – In a rather difficult scenario, China has recalled all of its recently shipped, disposable wood chopsticks – in excess of 45 billion pairs – the equivalent to about 25 million trees. China's governmental food spokesperson, Chiu Ree, said the problem is centered on the chemical makeup of the lacquer that is applied to the chopsticks in the finishing process. Lead has been discovered in the paint and lacquer by the testing body.
Jun 29, 2009, 04:48

Cops Steal Millions, Decide Not to Arrest

More than 300 of the UK’s elite Scotland Yard ‘Plod Squad’ are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards – presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP’s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker. Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism...
Jun 29, 2009, 02:20

Daley Makes Plans for Gitmo Prisoners, Warns Welcome Wagoneers

Chicago's Mayor for Life, Richard M. Daley, has sent his emissary to Washington DC to lobby President Obama to house the Gitmo prisoners in Chicago. The undisclosed emissary has the Mayor's agreement to grant the 240 prisoners work-release jobs in the new parking meter concession for the city. Mayor Daley has dubbed his latest profit-seeking offering "Git Mo' Chicago". Daley plans (with Obama's help) big things for these offshore prisoners.
Jun 28, 2009, 05:16

Prince Charles: Mongrel AND Wastrel?

British taxpayers involuntarily funded the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle of the bat-eared Prince of Wales to the tune of £30 million last year - an annual rise of almost 25% in the midst of a global recession, according to Clarence House accounts. The main cost was a 48% rise in official travel by air and rail, which increased to £10:75 million.
Jun 28, 2009, 03:09

Al Qaeda Split Over Obama Overtures

A source in al Qaeda's inner circle tells Al Jazeera that hardliners oppose Osama bin Laden's decision to alter the organization's tactics in response to President Barack Obama's effort to reach out to the Muslim world. "Mahmoud," one of the dissenters, provided Al Jazeera an audio tape containing portions of a recent conversation between Bin Laden and his second-in-command, Aimen Zawaheri, that purportedly took place in Pakistan’s tribal no-go area:
Jun 28, 2009, 01:24

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