You know what the internet is and you love to surf it, so why not keep up with those God damned Jones's in your neighborhood and join the modern era?
The very best way to do it is by switching from the clunky, cumbersome, caveman ways of dial up internet service to blazing fast broadband. Here's just some of the many advantages:
Free broadband modem* for new subscribers.
Almost fast enough to keep up with the ever more demanding requirements of AOL flash and video advertisements.
Merely thrice the price of the poor service you've already long since enjoyed.
Available in over 1% of American markets, so it's perfect for almost everyone!
Steal music more quickly. While AOL doesn't endorse the theft of music by means of rampant MP3 sharing, our broadband service does fully support it, and we'll even help you get started.
Bulletproof service available no less than 15 hours each and every day, guaranteed!**
Ideal for streaming pornographic material, which AOL does not endorse, but does both offer and host.
Ability to view streaming news.
Free Enhanced AOL toolbar.
What are you waiting for, grab your credit card and sign up today! Those damned Jones's won't even know what hit 'em.
* Modem cost is $2,300, with brief, elaborate rebates for a series of discount coupons towards premium AOL services, none of which may be redeemed prior to 2007. No cash value, many restrictions apply.
** Guarantee does not apply to outages, loss of service, interuptions or failure to connect to the system whether intentional, unintentional, or due to any act of God nor man.