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TOP NEWS

Time-Warner Acquires Tony Hawk

Tony Hawk - Corporate WhoreIn a hostile bid that's been underway for several months, Time-Warner has successfully completed a hostile bid to purchase skateboard star Tony Hawk for $216Million in cash and an undisclosed amount of stock.

The acquisition includes Tony Hawk merchandising rights, all of Tony Hawk's property including vehicles and real estate, and Tony Hawk's personal soul. Bidding for Tony Hawk's soul reached nearly $600,000 on Ebay last year before site administrators cancelled the auction due to violations of terms of use.

Tony Hawk was reached for comment at his new home at AOL headquarters in Virginia. "I guess I should have seen it coming. Some of the fans aren't too happy, but the real victim in this is my wife and kids. It looks like they're going to be downsized and out of jobs."

As with any corporate merger, the immediate objective is to explore new avenues for business development, but also to reduce reduntant positions, such as that of his wife and young son. "AOL already has people on staff to fill those positions," says Rogue Gelderaug, former agent for Mr. Hawk. "But let's face it, any change in business can take a transitionary period."

Skateboard fan opinons are split on the matter. Many feel that this will allow Tony Hawk to spread himself out over media in a more broad fashion. Though already liberally slathered over the entirety of the skateboarding world, video games, television, and print media, many fans view this as a chance for Mr. Hawk to break in to film, public speaking, sports beverages, herbal supplements, venture capital and legalized prostitution.

Tony Hawk - Corporate Whore"Hell yeah, I'd pay an extra dollar for a granola bar if it had a picture of [Tony] Hawk on it," says Justin Tumar, a sixteen year old suburban rebel with pants too large to contain even his own swolen sense of individuality. "And when my Ska record label takes off and looks to sell out, we'd take pennies on the dollar to sell it to Tony Hawk Venture Capital. Let's face it, nobody knows how to sell out like Tony."

One self proclaimed ex-fan, Jason, of Vancouver, BC, explains that "the guy used to skate, but since the turn of the ot's he's been all about selling stuff and being on Jackass and Viva La Bam. I don't see what's bad about it, it all just sounds like more of the same to me."

In late breaking news, the devil has lodged an injunction to bar the acquisition, claiming irrevocable first right of refusal on one of the estate's more prominent assets, specifically Mr. Hawk's soul.

More on this story as it becomes available.


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