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Are you a Non-AOL User?

You have reached this page because you are not an official AOL subscriber, despite the many alleged and so-proclaimed benefits that come with such a membership, depending upon what school of propaganda you choose to believe in.

What the hell's wrong with you, you're not stupid or something, are you? We've got trickle-quick dial up service, curiously spotty and unreliable broadband (that seriously isn't our fault, we swear, it's your local provider's fault,) and we wholly own MovieFone. That's the wicked media trifecta by all accounts, what else could you people want from us, Kinkos printed fliers?

No more games, you need to buy our highly touted, though critically panned service. Bow down to overlord Turner and watch a politically corrected, poorly colorized movie marathon on Superstation TBS. We've all done it, we all need to do it once again, and you know that.

Any failure to sign up for AOL service, whether via broadband or dial up, may cause your own favorite web site(s) to be likewise deleted without notice, regardless of value, content or merit. We'll do it, don't you even dare challenge us. Whether you have your own site or not, we'll delete your bitch ass and the bitch ass of your site, period, no questions asked. Even your neighbors will doubt you ever existed, and to us it's all in a day's work.

Even if you already have AOL subscription service, it is strongly, strongly, strongly recommended you sign up for it again, thus paying double or triple subscription fees. After all, there's no price you can put on the safety of your family.

We at AOL love our internet subscribers, but we hate browsing viewers who aren't ours, whether periferally or non-profitably. We don't do this stuff as a hobby or for our health, you know. Frankly, we don't even like the internet and seriously doubt it'll ever catch on. That's just it and that's all there is to it. Don't even suspect you have the power or clout to stand up against a mega-corporation like us, because you don't. And we know who you are. You've been cookied and ISP tracked. Once again we strongly suggest, bow down.

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