Why does AOL suck so much?
AOL is a large corporate entity, wholly ownned by Ted Turner and the gang at Time/Warner. Our service doesn't suck at all. If you doubt it, just try to return a Time/Life video you bought through an infomercial and you'll understand. They don't take nothing back, and while we equally maintain the philosophy that nothing should ever be taken back nor returned for refund or credit, we get all out money up front and leave nothing to chance. While you may think that we suck, whether we do or not is completely irrelevant. We've got your money and we've already technically given you the service you paid for. Though we almost certainly have not, just you go about to try proving it. You'll see, it's patently impossible. We're golden baby, we got plausible deniability and all kinds of manipulated server logs showing you got your service. How about that?
Why is AOL so expensive?
It's not that we're "expensive", per se, it's that we use Latin words to justify the exorbitance of our pricing. Think of it this way, no only do we at AOL provide you with a connection to the internet, no matter how unreliable it may be, but we also give you coupons, special offers, bonus stuffage and all kinds of other "for-us" profitable goodies along the way. That's worth something, right?
Not just "right", but "hell yes, that's right!" Now you're talking! We give you dumb-asses all kinds of extra bonus goodies you just can't find elsewhere like spam increasers, fraud, pscychic readings, and all kinds of other worthless bo-shat too. You demand all those profitable accoutrements from your internet service provider, right?
How come there's so many ads?
Oh baby, you hit on something really funny right there. See, back in 1989 we set to take over the world with this ridiculous $24.95 unlimited dial-up special. It was really unheard of at the time. As such we had to find all kinds of other ways to make nickels, dimes and dollars off our service just to make enough of our ends meet so that we could eventually sell out to Time/Warner. Well, excessive advertisements proved to be just what the doctor ordered, and, in an era of ever-shrinking health care coverage, even my third wife's nosejob was covered under our current medical plan. And how do we get such a liberal medical plan? By paying top dollars on the barrel-head. Your dollars, to be specific. Your nickels, dimes, and dollar to be yet even more specific still.
Is AOL the devil?
This is such a strange question, and no matter how many times it comes in, it never ceases to amaze us. Yes, AOL is the deveil.
Does AOL really eat puppies, kittens and babies?
What a crazy notion, to think that this question has come up more than twenty or thirty-thousand times is just so ridiculous. But it has, and we're forced to answer. We work very long hours at AOL to provide you with the level of customer service you expect at the price you're willing to pay. We have to cut corners somewhere and that "somewhere" is on our catering. Yes, we eat kittens, puppies and stillborn baby humans. But we do all this to keep the price at rock-bottom lows for you, our infallable consumer.
Does AOL really own the whole world?
No. The world is a fairly big place, and despite the dominance of the AOL/Time-Warner empire, we aren't expected to own the whole world until sometime around 2036. For now, let's just say that we only own the good parts.
Has AOL ever sucked less?
Oh dear lord no. From day one to day-today, we've sucked roughly equally.
How come there's no human customer support, no matter how far, wide and hard I look for it?
Say what? Oh dear God no, there is human support. With our 190 Million subscribers, our three elderly, state-funded, retarded customer service reps are working nearly four hours a day (in total.) No, we most certainly DO run "live" customer support, assuming you count retards as being alive. I know the state we operate from certainly doesn't, that's why it's so profitable.
No, if you're ten-years grandfathered in and somehow managed to find our old telephone number, whether through Jurassic-era telephone records, archive.org, or by means of random dialing, these dusty, curmudeonly old bitches are here to help you, assuming you remind one of them of a long-lost grandchild.
If what you require is customized, personal support, might we suggest you check out our Help/FAQ page, which you're technically on, but a never-ending loop never hurt anybody online, am I right or am I right.
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