SOLVANG, Ca. -- Gossip surrounding prominent superhero Spiderman’s true identity was dispelled last week when the web-slinger made an impromptu appearance at a California congressman’s field office.
According to eyewitnesses, the masked wall-crawler entered the new satellite office of Rep. Elton Gallegly (R-Santa Barbara) and asked the stunned staff members, “How come Solvang doesn’t have any fast-food restaurants?”
Office manager and deputy director Steve Lavagnino, after asking Spiderman to “please get off the ceiling – we just got done painting,” led the costumed crime-fighter into his private office.
“I have to say that I was a bit surprised to have Spiderman here,” said Lavagnino. “I mean, I didn’t even know he was part of this district.”
Jackson's transormation into an arachnid appears irreversable.
Once in Lavagnino’s office, Spiderman declared, “I love Taco Bell.”
The deputy director then told Spiderman, “I’m a Kentucky Fried Chicken man myself, but I’m sure you’re aware that Representative Gallegly supports your right to freedom of choice in fast-food restaurants. Are you a registered republican?”
To Lovagnino’s shock, the webbed crusader then removed his mask, revealing his true identity.
“I’ve seen you on TV,” said Lovagnino. “You’re Michael Jackson.”
“Don’t believe everything you see on TV,” said Jackson.
“I don’t even believe what I’m seeing now,” responded Lavagnino. “Would you mind terribly putting the mask back on?”
Jackson places an order at T-B drive-thru. "I'll have 3 Super-Tacos, a Chalupa and 37 kiddie Meximelts."
Although long rumored to be Peter Parker, a free-lance photographer for the Daily Bugle newspaper, Spiderman’s identity was not a complete shock to some of Spidey’s close followers and biographers.
“We all know that Spiderman obtained his superpowers during his teen years, as a result of being bitten by a radioactive spider,” said Robert Evans, a prominent Spiderman expert. “Shortly after that incident, he began to demonstrate the powers of a spider, magnified by the radiation. Superhuman strength, reflexes and equilibrium, the ability to stick to most surfaces and an intuitive sense for danger are all powers he developed.”
“Everything makes so much sense now,” continued Evans. Just take a look at Jackson’s evolution. Popular child entertainer, a good dancer. As he grows into adulthood, his talents grow, and he seems able to dance in ways that are considered impossible. Have you seen him moonwalk? I mean, he can do it straight up a wall! Years pass by, and not only his abilities but his very appearance become more and more fantastic. His transmogrification into a spider is still evolving.”
Jackson's superhero hunger can only be satisfied by Super-Tacos.
Indeed, Jackson’s seemingly unstoppable physical metamorphosis into some bizarre and incomprehensible life form makes sense in light of Evans’ theory. “Just look at his behavior. He lives in a seductive den with all sorts of ‘baits’ – the zoo animals, the amusement rides – to lure in unsuspecting prey. He admits he needs to live like this in order to survive. He’s spellbinding, he is lightning-fast, and he is extremely reclusive. These are all basic arachnid traits.”
“And,” continued Evans, “did you notice he suddenly claimed to be sick just before a court appearance in Indianapolis last week? That was his spider-sense tingling, telling him that there was danger ahead.”
As for Jackson’s appearance at Rep. Gallegly’s field office, it seems he wanted nothing more than to lobby for construction of a Taco Bell in the area. Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is nearby. After being told that the only chain restaurant available was a Subway sandwich shop, Jackson donned his spider-mask, shot a web out a window and swung out of the office. He was later spotted hanging in front of a Taco Bell-Pizza Hut in nearby Buellton.
Rumors of a joint venture between Jackson and Taco Bell, creating a new “Jacko Bell” franchise, are unconfirmed.
