Mr. Uzbek's testicles, seen here, were surgically removed by his whoring ex-wife. They were purchased by Michael Jackson for reasons unknown.
Lawrence Uzbek is not a happy man. Recently divorced, he’s making an outrageous alimony payment, child support, and paying legal fees. He is the party that instigated the divorce, but only after it came to pass that he discovered that during an away game, his wife had slept with the entire Los Angeles Lakers basketball team (Kobe Bryant three times). Naturally annoyed, he demanded a divorce, expecting some kind of retribution. But, this being California, it was not to be. His wife de-balled him in court, leaving him with nothing but payments and broken dreams.
Having been so de-balled, and on a reasonably public stage, at that, Mr. Uzbek felt that he might as well do something with his testicles, as long as they were just going to be lying there anyway. He soon found himself contemplating giving them to science for analysis, but scrapped that idea. Then when he heard about the cheese sandwich being sold on eBay for thousands of dollars, he figured that he had found his answer. He had no further need for his testicles, and yet he did have a need for money. It was a match made in Heaven.
Mr. Uzbek put his detached scrotum sac on the table and artfully arranged it with some flowers, then took a picture of the sac with his digital camera. After uploading the image, he set the bidding at $2,500 and waited for the bids to come pouring in. They did not.
It seems that there was little demand for a second-hand pair of testicles, especially testicles that had proven themselves to be so weak to begin with. “I thought there’d be a lot more demand,” said Uzbek. “I mean, they’re perfectly good, not a thing wrong with them, never been hit with a football or anything like that. They’re perfect. So they couldn’t stand up to my ex-wife. Big deal. Like yours could.”
Judge Stewart awarded custody of the removed testicles to Mr. Uzbek, stating, "Even if they're detached, a man needs some balls."
After fourteen days with the reserve price not met, bidding closed without the sale of the testicles. Mr. Uzbek then lowered the price by $500 and started over. This time, he got some interest, from one “M. Jackson.” “Oh, I prayed and I prayed that he wouldn’t win them,” said Uzbek, “but it was all in vain. Michael Jackson now owns my testicles. I don’t know what sick and twisted things he’s doing with them, but you can bet your ass that it’s sick and twisted.”
A spokesman for Mr. Jackson suggested that they were going to be used as “stress balls,” those little balls that you roll around in your hand when you’re nervous. Obviously, with the ongoing trial, that would certainly be reasonable – and horrific. “I can’t stand the image of Michael Jackson playing with my balls,” said Uzbek. “Can’t he just give them back? I’ll even pay him double what he paid me, I just don’t want that sick S.O.B. to have them. It gives me the creeps.”
This should serve as a warning to other divorcees who might want to put their genitals up for auction on eBay – you never know who is going to get them, in the end. So unless you’re really that hard up for the money, try selling them on the black market, instead. At least there they might make somebody a nice Asian aphrodisiac or something (those silly Asians are always grinding things up and calling them aphrodisiacs).
