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In the news... Tribal Native Denies "Being a Ninja", Secretly Dreams It was the strangest thing. We were having a runaway, rampant day out, doing our darnedest to span the landscape of the Puerto Rican interestosphere, regardless of the locals' patent refusals to engage us in our media-istic capacities. It was a trouble we'd faced everywhere, but a resistance I hadn't expected to face was that upon meeting a poorly-wigged tribal re-enactor, who obviously looked like a ninja, that he'd say he wasn't a ninja. Sep 19, 2009, 21:13 Obama Schools Speech Fiasco Amuses Kids President Barack Obama has delivered a junior State of the Nation speech to American schoolchildren, broadcast live to classrooms across the entire good ole US of A – from kindergarten age to upper high school grades. However Republican critics claim Mr. Teleprompter is setting out to establish an Orwellian / Big Brother cult of the personality with this TV speech – which they consider is a preliminary exercise in the social propaganda brainwashing of adolescent kids for nefarious political ends. Sep 19, 2009, 14:01 Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow’s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back. After an opium-fuelled session of barracking each other and playing the traditional Tajik groping game of “Guess who’s under the Burkha” they chose to endorse... Sep 19, 2009, 01:03 Common Purpose? - Dial 666 There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate - following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty - is just a matter of time and not one of ‘what if’ but simply ‘when’. However a Biblical multitude of ordinary decent people are aware that the Masonic-Zionist Illuminati’s New World Order’s Fifth Columnists are actively weakening the UK internally and preparing covertly... Sep 18, 2009, 01:54 Cops Can't be Trusted with Fines According to a report just released by the UK’s Manky Magistrates Commission the nation’s Plod Squads cannot be trusted to hand out summary justice and will act as “Prosecutor, Judge and Jury” if given further God-like powers to issue on-the-spot fines for simple civil offences - and more serious crimes such as arson, rape or putting your wheelie bin out too early. Sep 18, 2009, 00:38 Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. According to a secret report left in the carriage of a London underground tube train on the Bakerloo line and sold on to the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette for thirty pieces of silver, zillions of pounds of... Sep 18, 2009, 00:12 Teachers Stigmatize Pupils Due Birth Names Shit-for-brains UK teachers with an NVQ1 diploma in Advanced Guesswork claim they can tell which pupils are likely to play up or be the local Anti-Christ incarnate simply by looking at their names - according to a recent government survey. The poll of 3,000 teachers possessing the basic educations skills of being able to write their own name and use an ATM machine - commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - found that... Sep 17, 2009, 17:48 Arkansas Mum Has 19th Nervous Breakdown Bobbie-Joe Muffitch from Twattown, Arkansas, is expecting her 19th new arrival in March next year. The 42-year-old mum and her husband Billy Bob, who run a commercial adoption agency and baby formula franchise, are the stars of their own reality TV show “Billy Bob n Bobbie-Joe Don’t Know Shit About Contraception”. Sep 17, 2009, 16:15 Brown Makes 30-Minute Stop In Afghanistan During a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to change his underpants Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown gave a strong indication that more British troops will be sent to the basket case dump of a nation-sized midden to replace all the broken ones the Taliban have snuffed in recent weeks. Speaking to troops in a bombproof Fuhrerbunker at their Bellend Province fortified base camp Brown claimed he wanted to speed up the training of Afghan soldiers... Sep 17, 2009, 10:09 Welcome to the EU's New Dark Ages Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety - by which you can’t see to read – or write - brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat. According to the latest 1,286,498 page paper report from the Brussels’ based Energy Saving Trust, which is estimated to cause the devastation of... Sep 16, 2009, 04:20 NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% - from doctors to drudges - encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthanasia to make ends meet. The planned workforce cuts on the already-ailing public health service were intended to close a massive Treasury budget gap... Sep 16, 2009, 02:29 Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were "significant gaps in our scientific knowledge" – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state... Sep 16, 2009, 00:28 Passenger Fixes Faulty Airliner Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Passengers on the Thomas Cook flight TCX666 from Menorca were told to expect an eight-hour wait while an engineer was flown out from a Kwik-Fit service centre in the UK. Sep 15, 2009, 15:46 MPs: We're Only Sticking to the Rules We Made Up to Make Us Rich MPs were today pointing out that they had not broken any of the rules, that they made up, to decide up how much money they could secretly steal from taxpayers. The Prime Minister, John Key, has defended ministers, saying that many people did not realise that ministers were forced into their line of work and that most of them do not even own a holiday house in Hawaii. Sep 15, 2009, 10:02 NZ Public: Just Let Us Get Shi*faced, Will You? Binge drinking enthusiasts across New Zealand, were today telling the government to take their newly proposed drinking laws, making it harder for adults to get alcohol and to shove them where the sun doesn't shine. The government is calling for sweeping changes including increases in taxes on alcohol, shortening opening hours and changes to the purchasing age. Sep 15, 2009, 05:57 UK Teenage Nutters Planned Columbine 2: The Wrath of Kahn Two teenagers planned to blow up a local shopping mall and strafe their school with gunfire in a massacre timed to coincide with the anniversary of a mass-murder killing spree at a US school, a British court heard today. Ghengis McTwat, 17, and his friend Jacko Scrunt 16, both from the Scumbury Sink or Swim Housing Estate in Greater Smegmadale, denied conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to cause explosions – claiming it was all a bit of boastacious fun that got out of hand. Sep 14, 2009, 04:30 NZ Voters Overwhelmingly in Favor of Punching Own Kids in Face; PM Ignores Them In the past week, New Zealanders have turned out in record numbers, to vote for the right to punch their children in the face. 88% of voters said they wanted to have the choice of giving their children a good ol' smack, if they dared step out of line without having to worry about Johnny law coming to lock them up. As the results came in from the non-binding referendum entitled "Should a punch in the face as part of excellent parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand or are you are you a lefty pinko with no kids?" Sep 14, 2009, 02:09 False Flag Burka Gang Strike Again A burka-clad man – or woman - was part of a gang of armed raiders being hunted by police after pirate DVDs worth an estimated £100 were stolen from the Smegmadale branch of Cockbuster Video. The group burst into the High Street video rental store during the lunchtime rush hour and threatened staff with a bag of monkey nuts and a cucumber. Sep 14, 2009, 01:10 Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers Washington, D.C. – It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. “While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at this point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,” said Lucy Lipsingships... Sep 13, 2009, 18:15 Arctic Now Hot Enough to Grow Grapes Arctic temperatures are now higher than at any time in the last 2,000 years according to a personal report given to Fux News by the dipshit UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon who has just spent the past week wandering around in his underpants and a pair of flip flops north of the 66th parallel to investigate for himself if all this propaganda-driven brouhaha and panic put out by the Al Bore camp and the Carbon Exchange Cap n Trade shysters is founded on truth - or bullshit spewed out from the usual ‘all-for-greater-profits’ anal mechanism. Sep 13, 2009, 10:38 Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food Researchers from the government’s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals – which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Rupert Fuctifino, the gourmet columnist from the Chew & Spew Gazette, did a blind taste test to determine the quality of food offered to prisoners and NHS patients and concluded.... Sep 13, 2009, 07:16 Fiji Will Not Be Able to Compete in Tournament No One Watches Following the announcement from the mentally unhinged military dictator, Frank Bainimarama, that there would not be democratic elections anytime soon, Fiji have been dealt an (apparently) harsh political blow by being suspended from the Commonwealth. The population of Fiji are said to be distraught as they will not be able to attend the next Commonwealth games, this despite the fact that no one knows where it will be held or where or even when the last one took place. Sep 12, 2009, 03:11 Police Chief Faces Racist Probe from "Damn Darkies" According to a report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by an anonymous source inside the Metropolitan Police Authority (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) an independent investigation has begun into claims of racism against Ms. Catherine Crawfish, the 95-year old Gorgonesque chief executive of the MPA. In a damning complaint filed with the Lord Mayor of London’s office the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association (MPSTPA)... Sep 12, 2009, 02:49 Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush - New Labour's Minister for Orwellian Studies - to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Tens of thousands of overweight children – some porky slobs as young as four – will be shipped off to Fat Camp, under a Government scheme to tackle obesity. Sep 12, 2009, 00:39 US Offers "Join Afghan War or Be Next" Amnesty The USA has today said that if New Zealand do not join them in their continued oil blood war in Iraq Afghanistan, New Zealand may have no support if they were to be bombed, especially if it was out of spite by the US. New Zealand has a small involvement in Afghanistan, aiding in the war on terror. The US has signalled the involvement is not enough and the reason should not be to aid in the war on terror, but, to follow the US blindly wherever they go... Sep 11, 2009, 12:51 Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared A pack of mutts known locally as the Manky Mongrel Gang have been arrested by a joint action team of police and the RSPCA’s elite Canine Squad officers following the discovery of £3,000 of stolen pet food during a raid on a Kennel Lane property at Barking in Essex. When the crime-busters raided the property on Tuesday they discovered a hoard of tins and bags of stolen dog food plus bundles of Grotty Grocer supermarket pet food discount vouchers. Sep 11, 2009, 08:15 Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles We all have our jobs to do around the Perplexing Times offices, and we all do them, time permitting, to the best of our ability. Well, maybe not the best of our abilities, but certainly to the best of our interest in doing so. This staff Videographer we hired, however, is really mooking up the works with his inattention to detail. The most basic principles, technically, include holding the camcorder in your hand, pressing the "record" button and pointing it in the right direction. Sep 11, 2009, 00:13 Innovative Cops Boost Income by Robbing Cars While there’s nothing unusual about discovering items of value have been stolen from unlocked (or locked) parked cars – including the actual car wheels or engine – or the car itself – by opportunist thieving Pikey scallies during the deepening recession, it may well come as a bit of a surprise to learn the 'culprit' was a member of your local Plod Squad. Officers at Smegmadale-on-Sea, on the UK’s tropical south coast, are entering unlocked cars to remove valuables, like handbags, diamond... Sep 10, 2009, 04:32 Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft Campaigners have condemned the reappointment of the head of Kenya's anti-corruption agency – the KACC (pronounced ‘cack’) - by the 105-year old President Dogbone Meow Kitkatbar. "Retired Justice Bunny Jiggerabbit has failed to fight corruption in this country," lawyer and former Minister for Goat Affairs Silas Saltlick told the Basket Case Gazette. “It is a total kleptocracy characterized by rampant greed and corruption – and we can’t even get a slice of the action.” Sep 10, 2009, 01:39 NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment - three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Morton Fuctifino’s daughter e-mailed both the National Patient Safety Agency and the NHS following the death of her 96-year-old father at Smegmadale’s prestigious Veterinarian’s Trust Hospital. Sep 10, 2009, 01:23 Suicide Bomber Sues For Injuries WASHINGTON D.C.- Known terrorist Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed has filed a law suit against the United States Government, claiming the White House to be an unsafe work environment. The law suit arose after Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed was injured falling off of the White House roof, which he claimed was, “Terribly difficult to climb, especially with bombs all over you. When asked how much he was trying to sue the Federal Government for, Sadeed looked stunned, saying, “You mean I can get more than camels?” Sep 9, 2009, 07:38 iPhone Explodes in Ossetia – Millions Feared Dead French consumer groups are investigating a disturbing bout of recent reports concerning iPhone 3GS models that have exploded or burst into flames spontaneously. A 96-year old Granny, Madame Hilda La Kunte, from the Paris suburbs, suffered third degree burns and shrapnel trauma when her iPhone exploded while she was answering one of her regular ‘121 Adult Chat’ phone sex calls, according to the current issue of Le Merde magazine. Sep 9, 2009, 02:53 Congress Places Bill of Rights Up for Auction on eBay Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay. Spokesman for the group, Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), said, "In this time of economic crisis not seen since the Great Depression, it is... Sep 9, 2009, 01:10 UK Roswell Incident Stays on Secret List General Sir Gaylord Snivellington-Snide, former head of the armed forces, told the Defence Secretary a UFO incident known as Britain's Roswell could be a potential "effing banana skin" - Shitehall-speak for a looming political embarrassment - just waiting for somewhere to happen. In 1983 Snivellington-Snide spoke to Michael Hasseltine about the "Bliar Twitch Incident" in which a minor Labour party politician... Sep 8, 2009, 13:17 Tory Goons Now Accused of Sexism A Conservative Party member has apologised after suggesting only attractive women should become MPs – the sincerity of which he proved by publicly performing acts of extreme penance - rubbing himself in ashes, wearing sackcloth and flagellating his back with a lead-tipped lash – in true public school deviant fetish fashion. Bellend-on-Sea Conservatives Association chairman Armitage Shanks, 93, claims his comments were "tongue in cheek" and... Sep 8, 2009, 08:19 Murdcock’s Brat-Sprog Curses BBC News Corporation's CEO, the diminutive Jimbo Murdcock, in typical hereditary Aussie whingeing fashion, has preposterously stated – in an all-out case of the kettle calling the frying pan ‘black arse’ - that a dominant BBC threatens independent journalism in the UK – and specifically the survival of the over-stretched and bloated fascist News Corporation Empire. Sep 8, 2009, 05:54 Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby's Auction New York, NY – The New York office of Sotheby’s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler’s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak’s dark history. According to stories surrounding the cloak, anyone who comes in contact with it eventually dies. Sep 7, 2009, 08:49 Failures Force Obama to Look for Scapegoats National Enquirer - Part II of John Smith’s report of his time on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at the Obama Compound. From his hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where strategy meetings were held, Smith taped the following conversation between Obama and top advisors. This session had to do with Obama’s plummeting poll numbers. Sep 7, 2009, 02:10 Giant Carp Pops its Clogs... Whatever That Means The UK's most prized and iconic fresh water fish, Benson the Common Carp, has died, after being caught more than 60 times. A day of national mourning is expected to be announced by the government’s Angling Secretary Silas Pollock later this week, according to a press release by the Ministry of Fish. Sep 7, 2009, 01:01 Counter Protester Turns To Cannibalism Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it. Sep 6, 2009, 20:21 Artificial Trees to Combat Global Warming According to a survey conducted by the Institute for Advanced Guessology - and just leaked to the Daily Shitraker via skeptical IAG career snitches – their resident barmy boffins and anoraks claim a forest of 100,000,000 "artificial trees" could be deployed within 10 years to help soak up the world's carbon emissions and mega-tonnes of atmospheric toxic shite and industrial pollutants created by leading environmental vandals in India and China. Sep 6, 2009, 14:21 Booze Asbo’s for Renta-Drunks (Note: Headline by Drunkard) Community pariahs in England and Wales who commit crimes or behave anti-socially while shit-faced drunk – such as urinating on a policeman’s boots or vomiting in the back of the arresting Panda car - could now face a Drinking Banning Order - or "Booze Asbo". Under further totalitarian fascist powers coming into force on Monday police and councils can seek an order on anyone aged 16-?-or over (even though the minimum age to buy or drink alcohol is 18 years – or was the last time we bothered to look). Sep 6, 2009, 06:25 Was Benny Ratzinger a Nasty Nazi? (Or the Savory Kind) The famous and controversial “I was never a Nazi – but sometimes played with the kids who were" quote from Pope Benedict XVI – Germany’s first pontiff since 1057 - is about to be called into question, according to deliberately leaked information concerning the plot of iconoclast Dangerous Dan Brown's new book. The Lost Cymbals looks set to create a huge uproar across the entire Catholic world, with its allegations that far from not being a... Sep 5, 2009, 04:43 Fluedo: The Sneezy Pig Flu Board Game In what critics are terming the most stupid idea to be announced since their last stupid idea was announced, the Ministry of Scaremongering, in conjunction with the NHS, have had a team of monkeys working around the clock to come up with a corporate teaching strategy to educate managers and staff on the possible ramifications of the Oinkyitis swine flu pandemic devastating their entire workforces. Sep 5, 2009, 02:22 Failed Prosecutions Cost Mega-Bucks, Successful Ones Close Behind In a desperate act of self-preservation to camouflage their obstinate stupidity Brummie prosecutors claim they were wholly justified in spending an estimated £20,000 on the Crown Court trial of a man who was acquitted of stealing a nine inch long exotically-curved yellow tropical fruit - eventually identified by police forensic experts working alongside senior botanists from Kew Gardens as a ‘banana’. Sep 5, 2009, 01:12 IDF & Mossad Guilty of "Jewel n' Organ" Thefts Top Israeli military officials have been linked to Britain's biggest ever jewellery heist in which cash, gemstones and other assorted high-value crap worth up to £45 million were stolen. According to a report in the Kike Watchers Gazette, three senior officials in the Israeli military were the main shareholders of the company responsible for guarding Mr. Oppenslimer’s De Queers Diamond Merchants & Jewellers in Blonde Street, central London, where the robbery took place. Sep 4, 2009, 05:51 President Obama Assaulted with Caramels Taking his cue from a popular American television show, President Karzai of Afghanistan lobs candy at President Obama, believing it to be an act of endearment. Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai. Sep 4, 2009, 05:16 Scandle-Mandelson Targets Internet Piracy... Badly Reliable tittle-tattle and rumour-based gossip circulating around the hallowed corridors of Shitehall in susurrant and conspiratorial whispers reports that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s omnipotent Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson is preparing to declare war on teenagers – and anyone else and their dog – guilty of downloading music, games and movies from the internet - just days after dining with American faggot music billionaire Mervyn Gobbler. Sep 4, 2009, 03:49 Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors Stung by reports that the elderly are turning against his health care reform proposal, President Barack Obama is prepared to offer seniors a series of incentives to get them back on board. In the following unauthorized transcript provided to Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward, the President appears to realize that he is in danger of losing a key constituency in his battle to transform America's health care system: Sep 3, 2009, 05:43 Chinese Fire Drill in Riot-Torn Blah Blah Whatever The situation in China's riot-torn city of Wanking is now under control after the deployment of thousands of troops, according to the local Communist propaganda authority spokesman Miss Flip Flop Fong. Mr. Fok Yew Tu, Secretary of the ruling Politburo’s Beijing-based Commission for Conciliation, Compassion and Forgiveness, vowed that all those found guilty of murder during the riots would be put to death, their internal organs sold to Western devil transplant clinics in Europe, and their gutted carcasses hung in the trees for scavenging birds to feast upon. Sep 3, 2009, 03:02 Roadside Zoo Boasts Wide Assortment of... Wait, Roadside? As you drive the Puerto Rican countryside, it's not uncommon to see a truck parked off the highway with a huge "Exotic Birds" sign, but the offering is almost zoo-like in variety. They boast chickens, ducks, rabbits, kittens, puppies, pigeons, ponies, land crabs of assorted colors, and even the big draw, exotic birds, but it's on the side of the road, so um, what gives? I know I'm new here, but this is a little weird. Sep 3, 2009, 01:39 Things You Might Overhear During the Apocalypse Revealed As the projected date for the Apocalypse draws near, i.e. December 21, 2012 (according to the Mayans), I find myself wondering what people will be talking about as the fires rain down upon them and the four Horsemen deliver God's punishment upon the earth. Here are just a few things you might hear before and during the Apocalypse. 1. Man, I didn’t see that coming. 2. Wow, where’d you learn to ride a horse like that? Sep 2, 2009, 10:31 Somber Bomber Comedy Upsets Muslim Groups... Again An online sitcom about a group of Islamic suicide bombers living in Bradford, Yorkshire could be more damaging than the real thing, according to the nihilistic ‘Allahu Akbar’ zealots group. Dr Abdul bin Bagg, of the Manky Muslim Association in Bradford, also claims the series ‘Living with the Infidels’ might upset some young hard-line Wahhabi fundamentalists – especially those belonging to the ultra-radical militant Jolly Jihad sect. Sep 2, 2009, 07:55 Beer Cans, Cigarettes In Space, Attributed To Astronauts Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska - Scientists employed by the U.S. Strategic Command have recently observed an increase in the amount of space debris that they are charged with tracking. Beer cans and cigarette butts now can be added to the catalog of over 10,000 items observed to be in orbit around the earth. The source of this space litter has been identified as NASA space shuttle astronauts unwinding in between space walks and other assignments. Sep 2, 2009, 04:44 Taliban Give Thumbs-Up to MoD Budgeting According to a secret Shitehall report CD copy left on a Bakerloo line tube train and sold on to the Daily Shitraker for thirty pieces of silver, the Ministry of Defence’s systems for buying new equipment are so inefficient they are hampering the military’s ability to conduct attack – or defence - operations. The Shitraker claims the dossier concluded the MoD's acquisition programme was £35 zillion over budget and five years behind schedule... Sep 1, 2009, 17:52 Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave Washington -- Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reports that the Obama Administration plans to use the death of Senator Ted Kennedy to fast-track its health care reform measure now languishing in Congress. Woodward announced several months ago that a White House insider is providing him with audio recordings of high-level strategy meetings. Sep 1, 2009, 14:35 Churchill's Sofa Earns Big "Oh Yeah" from Bank-Wealthy Bidders A tatty leather sofa, rumoured to have belonged to Winston Spencer Churchill when he was Prime Minister, was saved from a rubbish skip earlier this month and has sold at auction for £7,500 – a whopping 150 times its estimated garbage value. The leather button-back scroll arm Chesterfield – which was reported to have been given to Churchill by the Aga Khan as a Merry Ramadan present in 1938, and then used by Churchill... Sep 1, 2009, 04:46 Most Burgled Zip-Codes Start House Price War Homeowners in parts of Snottingham-on Sea and Snobsford in Kent are among the UK's most likely to file burglary claims according to a study just released by the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money. Five of the top 20 postcode areas where people have made actual genuine home insurance claims for burglary over the past year were in neighbouring Pukesbury, with a total of six in Snottingham, a further six in Snobsford and three in the stockbroker belt haven of Kuntsborough. Aug 31, 2009, 07:50 Wall Street Rejects Short-Term Thinking, Embraces Shorter-Term Thinking NEW YORK - It was champagne and truffles on Wall Street last Monday as the Dow soared almost two whole points during a five minute period between 9:12 and 9:17 AM, EST. Market analysts assert that the extraordinary surge marks the end of the recent epoch-long depression, and signals a new era of extreme shorter-term thinking in American capitalism. "We are confident that these amazing 293 seconds signal... Aug 31, 2009, 04:36 Crackdown on Agua Banditos... Yes, In England Water companies should be licenced to snoop on people's homes : gardens, kitchens - and bathrooms - just like regular backstabbing neighbourhood grassers and council snitches investigating threats of ‘domestic terrorism’ - to ensure they are not using too much water, a numpty report into the future of unaffordable water bills has recommended. Swimming pool owners, those with large ‘Eden Project’ rainforest style gardens... Aug 31, 2009, 02:12 Robo-Love for Sale by Christmas, Robots Indifferent It might just sound more like bullshit than perceived reality – or some Japanese techie’s sci-fi’ BD/SM fetish fantasy, but robot hookers and robot sex are set to be an intregal part of the future for men who can’t pull pussy – or those discerning libidinous gourmets who get fed up with the same old hole and “Have yer finished yet?” statements. Japanese boffins introduced their new top model today - she stands 5 feet tall, weighs 95 pounds... Aug 30, 2009, 06:26 August Not-News Roundup - Here's What You Missed Caster Semenya's Scrotum Tests Positive as Female; Mandelsen's Rectum Examined, Head Surprisingly Not Found; Fresh Fruit "Bad For You", Says Elderly Woman Following Pineapple Injury; Elderly War Criminal Offers Belated Apology at Grandkids Behest; Television News Accused of Mass-Distraction, Responds "Kitten Saves Cripple Man from Fire!"; Vaccine Phobia Pandemic Strikes Millions; and Sherlock's Home to be Gobbled Up by Iconic Clown. Aug 30, 2009, 05:39 Obamas Worry Martha’s Vineyard Visit "Looks Elitist" National Enquirer -- An intrepid National Enquirer reporter has managed the near-impossible: gain access to the Obama compound on Martha’s Vineyard posing as a landscaper. During his time at the estate, John Smith discovered a hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where top advisors gathered to discuss political strategy. Following is a partial transcript of one of the sessions Smith taped... Aug 30, 2009, 04:05 Obama: Stop Bothering Me Washington -- A source close to President Barack Obama tells Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward that the President has begun to chafe at his inability to get away from the job, even at his vacation retreat on Martha’s Vineyard. “He’s become short with his staff and sometimes refuses to take urgent calls from Cabinet Officials and world leaders,” says the source, who provided the following unauthorized transcript of a recent high-level meeting to Woodward: Aug 29, 2009, 17:30 Haggis More English than Scots, Though Just as Gag-Inducing The proverbial excrement hits the rotating wind generator north of the border with the ever-surly Scots up in arms at suggestions that the earliest recorded haggis recipe was published in an English nun’s cookbook almost several hundred years before any evidence of the dish existed in Bonny Scotland itself, according to yet another idiotic academic study just published by food historian Candida Muffrot on behalf of the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money. Aug 29, 2009, 04:18 UK Home Repossessions Ease – Que? The number of homes repossessed in the UK fell 12:83% in the second quarter of 2009 compared with the previous three months, according to propaganda being spread by traditional High Street banksters and building society lenders - since most folks have been evicted and no longer enjoy the comfort and false security of four walls around them and a bit of a roof over their heads. Aug 29, 2009, 03:53 Nation's Pathetic Try Hard To Break Stereotypes, Fail WASHINGTON– Over 300,000 pathetic Americans nearly marched on Washington last Friday in an effort to shatter stereotypes that portray them as unable to organize, accomplish, or achieve, but instead didn't. "The event had been planned for months, all the pieces were in place, we only needed to reach out and seize the opportunity right in front of us," said Ray Emerson, chairman of the National Association of Pathetic Persons (NAPP). "We didn't, and now it looks like we're back where we started." Aug 28, 2009, 14:32 Politicians Busy Imagining New Ways to Waste Taxes First it was the Royal Family parasites, then MPs, then BBC exec’s - and now the sometimes comical extravagant expenses of the UK’s gluttonous council chief executives have been revealed to the gutter press for purview and a well-deserved slagging off in the public domain. A Sunday Shitraker investigation based on Freedom of Information requests and reports received anonymously under the 2005 Snitch and Grassers Act has laid... Aug 28, 2009, 10:08 Polocks Caught Poaching Pollock, Satirists Irritated Joke Pre-Made Jacko McTwat, a Smegmashire fish farm owner, has banned Eastern European anglers from his lands claiming they have been stealing the pond stock – both aquatic and wildfowl. Mr McTwat of Scumford Sands has erected a sign at the entrance to his farm prohibiting the bagging of landed fish and banning ‘Polack Pikey types’ but has denied racial undertones – even though the sign’s written in the Cyrillic language and makes direct reference to ‘swan-roasting scum’. Aug 28, 2009, 05:12 Sexy Prison Guard Too Gorgeous, Fired A female prison officer was forced out of her job after being bullied because she was considered too pretty to enforce discipline, a Smegmadale Employment Tribunal heard this week. Fellatia Sodomberg, 27, a former Albanian BD/SM Pro-Dominatrix, is claiming constructive dismissal and suing Justice Secretary Jack Straw and HM Prison Service after being forced to desert her position at the Smegmadale-on-Sea based Scumbags Young Offenders Holiday Camp. Aug 27, 2009, 05:51 Early to Bed in Labour's Nanny State - EdTV Becomes Reality Children’s Secretary Ed Ballsup announced today yet another of New Labour’s novel money-wasting schemes to the press and set out his £400 million plans to put 200,000 problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes - in what many consider a futile bid to change their hereditary mongrel bad behaviour. However Ballsup and Co in Shitehall still don’t seem to have grasped the simple message of the time-proven adages that you can’t make furniture out of firewood – or the fact you can’t educate pork. Aug 27, 2009, 04:31 Wal-Mart Trims Payroll: Replaces Employees For 2nd Time Bentonville, Arkansas-Wal-Mart Corporation today announced a series of cost-cutting moves designed to decrease expenses and improve corporate profits. In this latest initiative, Wal-Mart executives announced a plan to replace over 4,500 current employees with lower-paid newcomers. Only two years ago, these soon to be laid off workers were themselves hired to replace previous employees with “high salaries.” Aug 27, 2009, 02:18 Public Unaware of Ten Commandments - Dull Scripture Suspected Knowledge of the Bible is declining among people in the UK according to academics from the National Tubthumpers Literacy Survey who found that young people believe the Good Book is a pile of old-fashioned tat and all about fantasy characters like God and the Devil and blokes getting crucified for giving the Romans shit. More than 144,000 people from faith and non-faith backgrounds were surveyed, with fewer than 5% able to name half of the Ten Commandments and 3% believing they were part of the new Highway Code. Aug 26, 2009, 07:10 Pizza Vendors Find Profit in Cartoon Piracy I love pizza and commercially licensed, protected cartoon characters as much as the next guy, but when it comes to full-price pizza sold at a cost equal to the piracy of the very same cartoon characters who lured me over in the first place, I've got a beef, and it ain't that mystery meat sprinkled liberally between the melted mozzarella. I've been to China, so I know all about the unlicensed use of trademark characters to promote a business that neither pays nor deserves such credibility. Aug 26, 2009, 06:39 Cop Shoots Cop; Bystanders Unsure Who to Root For The Thames Valley Police has pleaded guilty to breaching health and safety regulations after their senior Weapons Instructor accidentally shot one of the attendees during a ‘Firearms Awareness’ training course. Weapons Instructor PC Vinnie Dicklethwaite, 92, shot Mohammed bin Mohammad, 21, in the stomach at the Smegmashire-based Police Training College in May, Scruntford Crown Court heard today. Aug 26, 2009, 05:19 Pills Force Man To Think Only About Sex, Man Sues Stonecastle, Ohio - Saying that he became a slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the drug. "These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my thoughts" said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. "As I have got older, my wife is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave me this prescription for Viagra 100mg. Aug 25, 2009, 14:12 Fresh Calls for London 7/7 False Flag Attacks Inquiry New photographs released on the fourth anniversary of the 7/7 false flag attacks on London transport appear to contradict the government’s official propaganda story that Muslim terrorists with home-made backpack bombs were responsible for the Tube and bus bombings which killed millions of people and wounded several others. Aug 25, 2009, 07:11 Israeli Troops Shoot Flag-Waving Kids Israeli soldiers from the IDF’s ‘Murder Incorporated’ Regiment shot and killed 110 Palestinian civilians who were waving white flags, the Geneva-based Human Rights and Wrongs Agency claimed on Thursday in a report on the Gaza war - whose credibility Tel Aviv’s Zionist zealots immediately questioned as being biased against Israel and anti-Semitic in content – branding the report’s authors as goyim scumbags - and Holohoax deniers to boot. Aug 25, 2009, 05:11 Contempt of Court More Contemptable than Ever When Jefferson O’Dinga III attended a courtroom hearing in Alabama’s Redneck County to hear a fellow black brother’s sentencing on drug charges little did he suspect he would be the one going to jail. As Circuit Judge Billy Bob McTwat was lecturing the accused, Washington Pineapple IV, on the evils of snorting rhubarb and peddling the narcotic substance to pre-schoolers before sentencing him to ten years chained to the oars of one of the US Navy's all-new CO2-reduced slave galleys... Aug 24, 2009, 20:30 Pub Closures Blamed for Binge Drinking, Somehow That great traditional stalwart of the British working classes – the iconic local pub - was clocked as closing at a geometric rate of 52 per week in the first half of 2009 – a 30% hike on the same period in 2008 – according to a report just issued by the British Beer and Taverns publication – the Pisshead’s Gazette. Local pubs became the most vulnerable as communities were hit by the fallout of the economic downturn, with regular drinkers and all-out alcoholics having to resort to cheaper brands of plonk... Aug 24, 2009, 19:18 Britain Keeps Tidy – Ships Shit to Brazil Two dodgy British companies are being investigated following the discovery of millions of tonnes of hazardous waste shipped from the UK and discarded indiscriminately around Brazilian ports. Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling, which coincidently share the same dodgy directors and are based in Scumbury, were named by Brazil’s environment inspectorate, MERDA, as suspected of being involved in the illegal shipment of toxic hospital waste, plus assorted industrial and commercial crap, to the country. Aug 24, 2009, 12:07 Glenn Beck Show Saved by “Good Ol’ Boy” Advertisers Glenn Beck is seeing his conventional ad revenues dry up due to his escalation of hate rhetoric, but the redneck community is coming to his aid to help keep him on the air. Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won’t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn’t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn’t have a show. Aug 23, 2009, 05:34 Microsoft Announces Merger With McDonald's, Christianity In what is being hailed as the end of the free world, Microsoft, McDonald's, and Christianity have joined forces to form a single $300 billion/1.9 billion adherent corporate-religious entity known as McRosoftianity. The resulting mega-church/corporation is projected to manage virtually every aspect of the global economy and culture in just a few short months. "We are absolutely thrilled because together we can control the world in ways that any one of us could have only dreamed of," said Bill Gates... Aug 23, 2009, 03:01 Saudi Royal Slut Granted UK Asylum Political tensions between oil-rich Saudi Arabia and Britain were elevated to a fresh high this week when the leaked news of a Saudi royal princess being granted asylum from religious persecution in the UK hit the media headlines. The Saudi Arabian princess, who had an illegitimate child by a heathen infidel British man, has been granted asylum in the UK according to a Home Office / Borders Agency secret report leaked to the Sunday Shitraker by a Whitehall cleaning lady – Mrs Rita Snitch. Aug 23, 2009, 01:26 Airport Screener Suspended for "Blatant Friendliness" Officials from the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) expressed shock and dismay at revelations of TSA airport screener, Terry "Bubby" Smith, was captured live, on closed circuit security cameras, being "opening pleasant, friendly, and cordial to airline passengers. According to federal disciplinary reports, "[Mr Smith] on repeated occasions was observed smiling, giving directions to departure gates, and apologizing for the inconvenience of passengers required to undergo random secondary screening." Aug 22, 2009, 17:50 Classics Retroactively R-Rated, Joe Camel to Protest Children under 18 will be banned from watching films that depict characters smoking – tobacco, spliffs, opium – or kippers - under plans now being considered by UK local authorities Orwellian 'Thought Police' following directives issued by Whitehall’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money. An 18 certificate - usually reserved for movies with explicit blood and guts violence or three-hole clusterfuck dogging session sexual content - will be slapped on any film featuring smokers that fails to explain cigarettes are nasty things that fuck up your lungs. Aug 22, 2009, 15:56 Woodward: Biden, Panetta Losing Obama's Confidence ABC News - Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reported today that President Obama may replace Vice President Joe Biden and CIA Director Leon Panetta before the end of his first term. “My highly placed source tells me that the President has assigned his own code names to the pair: Doofus 1 and Doofus 2,” Woodward said. "He’s embarrassed by both of them." Aug 22, 2009, 11:27 Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel Jerusalem – Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu. “For those who do not know it, swine means pig, and any contact with pigs is outlawed, period,” claimed Amah Fahn Atek, chief Rabbi and Secretary of Health. Aug 21, 2009, 10:36 TV Celebs Snuff Rivals to Boost Ratings Police have accused the London-based Sky Crap Channel presenters of the TV show ‘Dos Scumbags’ of being principally involved in organised rhubarb trafficking and ordering gang-related killings to get rid of TV rivals on competing channels and boost their own show’s ratings. Wussell Bland and Jonathan Woss are both former rejects from the BBC’s slapstick ‘Tosspots Show’ and later ITV’s catastrophic ‘Dog Wankers’ series, in which Bland played the critically-condemned part of a toilet... Aug 21, 2009, 07:13 Yellow Post-it Notes Key To Rise Through The Ranks Cincinnati, OH. - Interviewed in her office today at a large consumer goods company, employee Amy Fisher contributed her use of yellow sticky notes to her rise through the corporate ranks. Amy confirmed that her English degree from college has been useful in her career but it was not until she adopted a wide spread use of yellow sticky notes, that her career really took off. Amy's first started using sticky notes to write down phone numbers of friends when they called her at work and then noticed that her boss at the time, seemed really impressed by these. Aug 21, 2009, 01:55 Blogger Demands Snakes be Banned, Lawmakers Seem Preoccupied It may well strike some Northerners as incredible but a ginger minger moggy was recently eaten alive by a 13 foot-long Burmese python in a Bristol garden. However for the people of Bristol this is simply another daily occurrence of what once were tropical predators now being part of the general fauna environment as climate change and global warming usher in their Apocalyptic migrating presence. Aug 20, 2009, 11:22 UK Gone Mad – Officially Acknowledged In response to Tory criticism that the UK’s school exam system has been dumbed down to a moronic level - and that league tables are partly to blame – resulting in kids leaving school sans any qualification certificates whatever, Children’s Secretary Ed Ballsup and the Ministry of Education examinations board are now offering a certificate for simply catching a bus - with the recipients insisting the £20,000 scheme is worthwhile. Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother-of-three and... Aug 20, 2009, 03:24 Monkey Business Threat to Punjabi Government Wildlife officials in India had planned to build a special school to improve the behaviour of delinquent monkeys. They claimed their aim was to target miscreant Macaques that had been issued ASBO’s and posed a serious threat to society and civilisation in the state of Punjab. However government authorities now claim the situation has spun out of control and monkeys have become a growing menace in Punjab as they move into towns and cities, setting up radical militant cadres at... Aug 20, 2009, 01:39 Nonsense Food Issues Dominate World Media In a desperate bid to broadcast or publish any old shit to keep the British public distracted from the fact that ‘The End is Nigh’ and Western ciivilisation as we know it is about to go tits up in a Busby Berkeley extravaganza fashion, media sources have resorted to reporting on such asinine Earth-shattering news concerning the renaming of a curry and the sexual innuendo involved in advertising sausages. Aug 19, 2009, 14:21 New Scots Ale Brew Bought by NASA Premier Scottish brewery SpewDog, owned by the McTwat clan, has been branded "irresponsible" by child minder groups and Mothercare after launching what it said was the strongest beer in the known Universe. With an 18.2% abv (alcohol by volume) content, a 330ml bottle of ‘See You Jimmy’ lager, concocted by highland brewery SpewDog, contained sixteen units of alcohol – five times the recommended daily limit for elephants and more than NASA use to fuel their Space Shuttle booster rocket packs. Aug 19, 2009, 11:50 Taking Orders from Afar: Drive-Thru Out-Sourced Oakbrook, Illinois. A Glossy News investigation recently learned that several of the nations top fast food providers, have outsourced their drive through order takers to help centers based in India. While a spokesperson from Oakbrook Illinois based McDonalds would not confirm or deny that this business practice is true, they did concur that the current level of service and communication skills required for that position is presently not very demanding and that the company has been considering this option for some time. Aug 19, 2009, 01:48 NASA Discovers Cure for Insomnia, Broadcasts Live Houston, TX: NASA officials trumpeted what they call "The Space Agency's Latest Triumph" after reports of millions being bored into unconsciousness while watching coverage of the latest International Space Station mission circulated on the Internet. According to reports, some viewers fell asleep within 20-seconds of viewing mission coverage, while others lasted up to 14 minutes. Aug 18, 2009, 11:40 Theme Restaurant Boasts Chicken, Fries, Playground, Pony Rides Just off Highway-2 in the south of Puerto Rico (about twenty minutes west of Ponce) is the sort of restaurant you read about. I know I read about it on roadside signs in a good 30-mile radius, so when I had the chance to dine at Gaby's World, I jumped all over it and was rewarded in ways no restaurant has ever even tried. First thing was the restaurant, which is so good I've asked for it by name, and we go out there maybe once a week. Aug 18, 2009, 09:39 Did Jesus Smoke Hash Browns, or Merely Corned Beef Hash? Pope Benny, the all-new German Mk XVI built-for-purpose Papal model, and the Catholic church in general, are up in arms in protest concerning speculations in a recreational drugs magazine – the ‘Dopehead’s Gazette’ – that Jesus and the twelve disciples were a bunch of whacky baccy addicts. Jesus was almost certainly a cannabis user and an early proponent of the entheogenic and medicinal properties of the drug... Aug 18, 2009, 05:12 Exorbitant "Park at Work" Tax Embraced by Tens If you’re still fortunate enough to have a job to go to five days a week to earn an honest dollar and not been laid off or made redundant in the deepening recession, then Prime Munster Gordon Incapability Brown and his New Labour muppets have yet another trick up their sleeves to further endear themselves to the voting British public - by taxing your parking space at work. Commuters who drive to work in their car – or pony and trap - face a new 'parking tax' of up to £350 a year. Aug 17, 2009, 10:32 Barbie Resigns From Mattel Malibu Beach, CA . After the Mattel toy recalls on August 14 and September 5, 2007, Mattel's CEO Robert Eckert announced in an online video that a number of Barbie's houses, condos and various furniture and accessories had been tainted with lead paint and were unusable. He recommended that everyone who had any of these items return them for a refund. Aug 17, 2009, 08:45 Man's Trip to "Cracker Barrel" Ends in Wonder, Amazement I had the good fortune recently to try a new restaurant, one I'd seen many times on on-ramps and exit ramps, at which I had never previously ventured to stop. An old, unpretentious man, seated next to a barrel was their mascot, his visage emblazed on their gargantuan sign. The marquis read: Cracker Barrel, and, in smaller type Old Country Store. Aug 17, 2009, 05:03 G20 Cops "Thug Squad" Aborted Protesters Fetus London’s Police have been criticised for refusing to let a woman, Rita Slagg - who was kicked in the stomach by the Met’s Thug Squad and subsequently suffered a miscarriage – leave one of their ‘kettling’ cordons for five hours during the G20 summit protests. The Independent Police Coverups Commission spokeswoman, Fellatia Sodomberg originally informed a reporter from the Whitewash Gazette... Aug 16, 2009, 16:33 Global Warming Solution Proposed w/ Innovative "Nuclear Winter" Option Credible details have surfaced concerning a virtual “bombshell” overlooked by the mainstream media concerning the recent agreement between President Obama and Russian President, Dmitri Medvedev, calling for the detonation of surplus nukes in isolated areas of Russia and the US. The effect of the proposed simultaneous ground surface detonation of some 45 surplus US and Russian thermonuclear warheads is calculated to... Aug 16, 2009, 15:00 Germans Upset Whole of Known Universe... Again An anthem sung by fans of the German football club FC Dumkopf Schittes 04 has drawn protests from soccer-hating Muslims around the world because of its negative reference to the Prophet Muhammad. The Wesphalia Gelsenkirchen-based club, which plays in Germany's top league, the Bundeskunts, has now hired the services of a team of Islamic cultural consultants from the Tel Aviv-based ‘Islamophobia PR Inc’. to research and evaluate whether the song might – or might not - be insulting to Muslims. Aug 16, 2009, 10:48 Bad Times for Sneezy Pigs in Egypt For the last sixty-three years, since leaving school at the age of eight with a First Class Diploma in Advanced Truancy, Achmed Bogbrush has eked out a meagre living recycling Cairo's waste as a chartered member of the elite Coptic Christian ‘Zabaleen’ (Arabic for garbage collectors). Each morning he scurries around the super-slum Gamal Nasser Memorial Landfill Park... Aug 15, 2009, 07:34 Deodorant Commercial Entirely Accurate LOS ANGELES, Ca. – Justin White, 26, was pleased to find that upon waking up and applying copious amounts of Axe deodorant body spray to his hairless upper torso, his day unfolded exactly as depicted in a recent commercial he saw for the product. "I knew things were going well when I got into the elevator at work and the boss’s hot secretary couldn’t keep her hands off me," said White, hair ruffled from near-perpetual sexual activity. Aug 15, 2009, 05:51 British Troops Blame Failure on "Too Many Tasks" The military mission in Afghanistan has failed to deliver what it promised - or was intended to achieve - as troops are being given too many tasks, according to a report from House of Conmans MPs – which further described the UK’s military presence there as a total fuck-up - and run like a Chinese fire drill. The House of Conmans Foreign Affairs Select Committee says... Aug 15, 2009, 05:34 Obama Hosts Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree Washington, DC – President Obama announced that the small meeting held last Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen due to the incident involving Gates’ arrest by Crowley was highly successful. Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way. Aug 14, 2009, 15:34 Banksters and Loan Sharks Defend Economic "Boom Time" Chantelle McScrunt, a 16-year old mother-of-four, borrowed £5,000 from her local High Street loan sharks – Rothshites the Banksters - to pay for her kiddie’s pet goldfish Blinkie to have a heart transplant at a BUPA -approved Veterinarians Hospital - only to be told the following week she had to pay back £88,000 by flogging her golly on the streets every night - or have her arms and legs broken. Aug 14, 2009, 06:25 Blasphemy Again Illegal in England, for Christ Sake Legal action is being taken against a photographer who used a Smegmashire village church for an erotic piccy shoot without first seeking Vatican approval from the heresy-chasing Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Photos of the porno’ models, some of whom were partially-clothed and in black leather and latex fetish gear, were taken inside and outside St Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Pederasts at Smegmadale-on-Sea. Aug 14, 2009, 05:00 French Woman Gets HIV from Gorilla Doctors discover French woman got HIV from gorilla she briefly dated. PARIS – French doctors have discovered that a woman here has been infected by a new strain of HIV that is believed to have originated with gorillas. The new HIV strain has been traced back to Mongo, a 32-year old silverback gorilla from Cameroon, who briefly dated Monique Beauport, 38, a crepe maker from Paris. Aug 13, 2009, 15:47 Obama Trims Insurers Budgets, "Cut Humanitarian Work" HARTFORD – In a move that shocked Republicans and threatened to alienate hopelessly timid Progressives, President Obama announced today that under pressure from his administration, insurance companies have agreed to end all humanitarian work and concentrate on their core mission of delivering insurance coverage to sick policyholders. Aug 13, 2009, 07:45 Google To Join Forces With NSA Spokane, Washington - Google announced today that it is joining forces with the National Security Agency (NSA) in an initiative to better track each and every person in the United States. Google describes this new service, yet to be named, as an exciting opportunity to move into a new market and at the same time offer it's vast resources to the government in an opportunity to enhance national security. Aug 13, 2009, 00:26 Saudi "Swine-Truthers" Unmask Western Pig Flu Conspiracy Saudi Arabian officials in manky Mecca have reported the country's first death from the Sneezy Pig swine flu virus. The victim was a 95-year-old man, Ali Rectum bin Ramfull, a former magic carpet pilot with the Royal Saudi Air Force, who was admitted to Mecca’s prestigious Veterinarians Hospital on Wednesday suffering from acute bouts of porcine grunting, high fever, and a severe snout blockage. Aug 12, 2009, 20:12 Health Organizations Recommend Tobacco Smoking In an unprecedented about-face, three health organizations that have long been vocal opponents of cigarette smoking announced today that smoking tobacco is a healthy alternative to the so-called electronic cigarette, or "e-cigarette." The US Lung Society, US Heart Society, and the Cancer Association joined with the newly-formed Free Tobacco 4 Kidz Kampaign in issuing the joint statement. Aug 12, 2009, 14:01 Hillary Ups US Credibility Gap w/ Intel Embargo Threat Terrified by the prospects of British Law and Democracy actually working in accordance with the Constitutional statutes they were intended to when designed centuries ago - and the UK’s Freedom of Information Act being allowed by short-sighted career civil service Mandarins in Shitehall to be used to the advantage of landless peasants. Aug 12, 2009, 07:45 Obama to Begin New World Apology Tour in Cuba Washington – When President Barack Obama arrives in Havana for a state visit next month, he will personally apologize to late Cuban Premier Fidel Castro for decades of American interference with Cuba's efforts to destabilize the Southern Hemisphere. Appearing on ABC’s new Sunday talk show, “Next Week,” which immediately follows “This Week,” White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett told host Jesse Jackson that Cuba was the first stop on the President’s new World Apology Tour. Aug 11, 2009, 23:22 Herbie the Love Bug Traded for 2009 Kia Rio Reno, NV - The lovable Herbie The Love Bug VW Beetle was taken in as scrap this week at Bud Glow’s Rio Showcase Car Dealership in Reno, Nevada. The car’s owner, Delora Upswing, said the car was given to her as a present from a friend years ago and she just kept it locked up in the garage. As soon as she heard about the Cash for Clunkers program, she decided it was time to part ways with the little fellow and get herself a sporty new ride. Aug 11, 2009, 15:14 Outgone Bush Claims Global Warming Success Washington D.C. - Former President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the "spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished" for his administration, in his words. His announcement was made at the National Weather Center, a little-known government basement office hidden back behind Hoover's FBI building. Aug 11, 2009, 00:21 Waterproof Sunscreen Useless Against Crying, Leads to More When selecting a brand, type and configuration of sunscreen, it's important to bear in mind your needs, lifestyle and personal habits. For us, it was easy to choose a high SPF rating, opt for the waterproof, and go with a trusted name brand. What I didn't take into account was my personal propensity for crying, and none of the brands had anything to protect me from that. We bought two brands of sunscreen. Aug 10, 2009, 06:39 Sales Person Found At Home Depot A shopper at home depot today made a rare discovery. That of a sales person After trying for two hours this morning. shopper Todd Johnson, finally located a sales associate to ask if they had any southern pine 2 x 4s left. After hours of searching the isles of the home improvement products store and also pestering the customer service desk to page a sales associate, Johnson grew increasingly frustrated today. Aug 9, 2009, 01:16 President of Steel To Reveal Secret Identity WASHINGTON - In the next few days the hero we have all come to know and love, will at long last reveal his secret identity to the adoring masses who elected him 44th President of the United States. As President, Super-Obama has promised to use his powers only for good, and is expected to save the world, and millions of American jobs, immediately after taking the oath of office. United States law prohibits super-powered... Aug 7, 2009, 15:05 Dems Bid to Vote on How To Torture Bush Washington DC – In their first 100 hours in power for OVER a decade (1994-2006 remember?), Democrats plan to vote on approved methods to torture President George Bush. Having been inspired by the Bush administration's owns torture policies and practices in the Iraq war, Democrats have been compiling a list of preferred torture methods to give George Bush a taste of his own medicine. Aug 5, 2009, 20:20 Cheney Memoirs to be FOX-TV reality show UNDISCLOSED IN DELAWARE - Former VP Dick Cheney announced today that he has retained the Trump Organization and The Donald as co-executive producers of his new "Memoirs" reality show to air on Fox this fall. Speaking in a small clearing of a forested area outside Wilmington, Delaware, Mr. Cheney revealed that his somewhat-sought-after memoirs would be the subject of the Fox TV show to run for 16 weeks. Aug 4, 2009, 13:35 CIA Tape Shocker: Pelosi in Bed with Reid, Murtha Washington — In an escalation of the conflict between the Central Intelligence Agency and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a CIA source has provided the New York Times a tape of what he maintains is a July 2007 meeting attended by Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Rep. John Murtha. “Normally, we’d spike this story,” said Bill Keller, Executive Editor of the Times. “But these are not normal times. We need to sell newspapers or we’ll wind up being a Paraguayan billionaire’s trophy rag. Aug 4, 2009, 12:03 UK ‘Shameless’ Gits Headed for ‘Sin Bins’ Tens of thousands of the worst families in England are to be put in "sin bins" (concentration camps) to improve their behaviour, under yet another of New Labour’s Big Brother Nanny State numpty government schemes. Under the government plan members of sociopath "Shameless" families are to be given intensive 24/7 supervision by ex-Abu Grahib prison guards to make sure children wipe their arses – and not on the bathroom curtains – that they attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals. Aug 4, 2009, 06:49 Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking Phuket, Thailand - Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced fuh-ket), that she’s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. She expressed the desire to take Kim Jong Il over her knee and give him a good spanking. She scolded them for being so mean that they now don’t have any friends, and told them if they don’t stop shooting their rockets off, she was going ground them for three weeks with no internet. Aug 3, 2009, 15:48 Arts And Crap Fair Features Overpriced Food & Assorted Junk Any town, June 25, 2007 - This years arts and crap fair features over one hundred artist and ten food vendors. Artist from all over the county will gather at this weekends fair to display their work. Some of the most popular booths this year will includes imitation Ray Ban sun glasses, imitation Rolex watches and synthetic motor oil. Also on display and always popular are tie dye shirts, home made sling shots, hand crafted bird houses, scratched LP's, Elvis posters and lawn ornaments. Aug 3, 2009, 13:23 Foundation to Launch "Cash for Congressional Clunkers" Program New York -- The Foundation to Preserve American Values, a private philanthropic group, announced at a news conference today that it will distribute up to one billion dollars in grants to selected members of Congress. Ralph Warren, President of the FPAV, called the initiative, “Cash for Congressional Clunkers.” “Politicians who stay too long in Washington pollute the national discourse and guzzle media airtime, a finite resource," Warren said. Aug 3, 2009, 11:55 Snitch Industry Unaffected by UK Recession UK police forces paid out more than £16 million-plus in the past financial year to people with information on criminal activity – mainly criminals themselves - who grassed up their mates and / or the competition’s forces of darkness - according to a secret report leaked to the Sunday Snitch by disgruntled lower echelon plods. London’s Metropolitan Police – governed by Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense - spent most at £15 million, followed by the... Aug 2, 2009, 15:29 Feminist Risks Forty Lashes for Wearing Pants A Sudanese woman who is due to appear in court in Khartoum says she faces up to 40 lashes for wearing trousers – which has offended the chauvinistic and retarded sensibilities of the country’s Mutaween religious police - who only wear skirts themselves. The woman, Ms. Sapphie al Dildodo - a former journalist who now works for the United Nations Lesbian Equality Mission - has invited journalists and observers to the numpty dumpty Sharia Law trial. Aug 2, 2009, 11:45 Enemy Body Counts Out, Scalps Are In, says Army WASHINGTON – The U.S. Army announced today that it would no longer use enemy body counts as a measure of how successful it was in killing insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pentagon Chief-of-Staff General Edward Cornwallis said the move is part of an overall plan to make the U.S. military presence overseas more “politically correct,” and was sparked by a direct request from the Taliban that it was de-moralizing to their troops and supporters. Aug 2, 2009, 08:38 Early August Christmas in Full Swing at K-Mart I'm no chronologist but I do know that Christmas is a time of reindeer, penguins, polar bears and bitter cold. Snow is hit and miss, and I guess that since none of these things exist in Puerto Rico, the launch of the Christmas season is open for interpretation. Thanks to K-Mart, we now know it starts in August. We were killing some time before a movie a few days ago, checking out the fine selection of toys at America's most mocked retailer, when the electronic chime of Christmas carols drifted from a few aisles over and drew us in with Pied Piper skill. Aug 1, 2009, 06:39 Marijuana Bongs Recalled San Francisco CA, – Bongs-R-Us, the nation's leading bong manufacturer, today recalled one million bongs. The reason for the recall: The bong users have reported that they are not getting high. College students and other marijuana smokers across the country have flooded the company's switchboard with calls stating that they have been failing to achieve a good buzz since they started using the company's latest bongs. Jul 31, 2009, 21:38 Thai Tourists Scammed by More than Shemales Bangkok's new showcase international airport has been mired in controversy ever since the first planning permission and construction tender bid bribes exchanged hands in a downtown Patpong ladyboy bar back in 2001. Built between 2002 and 2006 under the government of disgraced and exiled Prime Minister Foreskin Shitawaterat, the entire project was dogged by allegations of graft and corruption on a Biblical scale... Jul 31, 2009, 09:41 Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls it Quits It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned. Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out. “We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn’t the same,” he said. Jul 31, 2009, 07:51 Mansour Biden Unleashed Washington – At a hastily called press briefing yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden blasted the New York Times for asserting in an editorial that a highly classified document on American missile defense was made public accidentally. “I expect better of the Times,” Biden told reporters. “It makes us look like the gang that couldn’t shoot straight. Instead of covering for us reflexively, they shoulda checked with us first. We woulda sworn ‘em to secrecy and told ‘em it wasn’t a security breach; it was a quid pro quo with Iran and North Korea. Jul 30, 2009, 20:41 Student/Teacher Sex-Tape Leaked to Lackluster Reviews ELK GROVE, CA - Teachers are always very thoughtful of educating their students. One Teacher here was nice enough to give her students a memento of the great times they had together during the School year. Too bad the video shows the Teacher in aggressive activity with her clothes off. The Video was supposed to be exclusively about timeless memories of the children sharing stories in class. Instead they get the Teacher sharing timeless memories to the viewer showing off her body with someone else. The unidentified teacher's name has not been released. Jul 30, 2009, 12:49 Chinese Electro-Rendition for Web Addicts Banned Possessing the world's largest online community, numbering over a billion users, China was forced to acknowledged it might have a problem with a growing digital-age scourge : internet addiction. Tens of millions of people of all ages, and from across the full spectrum of society, suffer from the compulsive use of chat rooms, online gaming and self-gratification porn’ sites prompting the creation of government centres to treat the disorder. Jul 30, 2009, 06:16 Pope Benedict's Little Secret, Hold the Nasty Habit Rome, Italy - In an astounding moment in Christendom, the secret gay lifestyle of the pope was revealed this morning by a 33 year-old waiter named Rodolfo Casel, at a small 10-table cafe close to the Vatican where he has worked for 5 years. Rodolfo is Pope Benedict XVI's lover. Rodolfo filled Glossy News in on the comings and goings of the Vicar of Christ. Known as B-dict away from the office, the pope sneaks away nights disguised as a Swiss guard. Then he goes to the cafe, actually more like a trattoria, just 3 blocks away. Jul 29, 2009, 13:29 Hillary: Gore Threatened Me with Endorsement In an interview with Salon Magazine, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton charged that in May of 2008, former Vice President Al Gore threatened to support her for President, over her objections. “When we learned that Al planned to come on board, Bill and I met with him in a K Street brothel Bill frequents—just the three of us and our Secret Service details. We pleaded with Al to endorse Senator Obama instead. He flatly refused, saying, ‘I helped you both get over the Lewinsky, uh, hump in ‘98 and that cost me the 2000 election. Well, here comes payback.’ Jul 29, 2009, 11:18 Dodgy Russians Pulling Out of UK Russian zillionaire Oleg Mobsaroubles today informed the Oligarchs Gazette he is considering breaking off all connections with Britain owing to its recession-hit economy and the fact most of his kowtowing ‘brown envelope’ MP’s were about to get axed from re-running at the next election due their dodgy expense claims. Jul 29, 2009, 07:52 New Tory Laws Terrify Youth Offenders Seizing children’s mobile phones, bicycles and Lego sets could deter them from getting into trouble, according to Wentworth Fuctifino, the Conservative Shadow Home Secretary. Fuctifino told the media that giving the national Plod Squad powers to confiscate children’s property could become a kind of “21st-Century kick up the proverbial arse.” Jul 28, 2009, 06:03 President Palin Resigns- Cites Harsh Questions Newly elected President Sarah Palin, just weeks after winning the 2012 election, suddenly resigned today just hours after her first offical press conference, citing "harsh questions, especially from Helen Thomas, who I thought had died years ago." Palin went on to complain about rumors that her other daughter, the one whose name nobody still knows, not Bristol, the other one, was pregnant now that she is 16 going on 17 and... Jul 28, 2009, 04:29 Nation Slammed By Metric Tons Of Unsold Crap The proliferation of unsold crap, which economists say began as early as November of 2007, continues to affect retailers nationwide as crap that nobody wants piles up on shelves and warehouse floors, untouched by consumers. Crap, which constitutes 90% of what is sold in the United States, has been steadily introduced to department stores, outlets, and retailers for as long as anyone can remember. Jul 27, 2009, 21:28 Google Introduces Contextual Dating Service Google, the Mountain View search behemoth, is rolling out its new relationship navigation software. Said one Beta tester; “In the first week after meeting Tiffany, I didn’t know whether I should be ringing her every day, hanging around her doorway in camouflage gear with a bottle of chloroform, or playing hard to get. I’d just bring up Google-lurve and the answer would be right in front of me.” Jul 27, 2009, 07:36 Motor Mouth McKinney Takes on Israeli Opressors Israeli naval forces this week boarded a ship in the south-east Mediterranean attempting to carry aid and pro-Palestinian activists to the devastated Gaza Strip in defiance of Israel's illegal blockade of the territory. The 20-odd passengers included former US congresswoman Cynthia ‘Supergob’ McKinney, Nobel Prize DIY awardee Frank Spencer, celebrity hotelier Basil Fawlty, world renown hide & seek champions Lord Lucan and Shergar... Jul 27, 2009, 07:03 UNICEF Swine Flu Propaganda Targets Kids Worse than Cap'n Crunch Swedish wooden toy makers Brio have joined up with UNICEF and the criminal World Health Organisation in developing a propaganda game set to target young children and convince them that the fake Sneezy Pig H1N1 swine flu viral pandemic is a real threat - and not more at scent than substance - so they’ll shout out aloud “Mummy! Mummy! I want my piggy wiggy flu vaccination right now... Jul 26, 2009, 11:04 Red Light Districts Go Green: Brothels Offer Carbon-Neutral Dating A German brothel is doing its bit to help the burgeoning carbon footprint reduction effort by going green in a bid to attract more business in tough economic times – and preserve the environment. Customers who arrive by bicycle at Berlin's ‘Smiley Face Slut’s Salon’ will receive a five euro discount on the usual fee of 70 euros plus a free Black Mamba ribbed condom. Jul 26, 2009, 08:31 Muppet Agenda Leads to Loose Jell-O Complacency First we had to deal with the Diaper Industrial Complex, then the Hardline Pro-Potty Training Movement. Now I have to deal with the Muppet Agenda and the influence it has on people around me. It's bad enough they teach kids that a pig stalking a frog is "kind of cute" but now they're attacking our table manners. That's where I draw the line. Jul 26, 2009, 06:13 First Straight Man to Wear Pink Shirt Dies PASADENA, CA – The first straight man to wear a pink shirt died here yesterday of an over-inflated sense of fashion. He was 58. Joseph Strawser gained fame in the fashion world when he became the first straight man to cross the color barrier and wear a pink shirt in public. “It was a polo shirt, Lacoste I think, you know, the one with the little alligator on it,” said Jane Strawser, his wife of 25 years. “He wore it at a golf outing on June 14, 1983.” Jul 25, 2009, 15:44 Trophy Wives Falling on Hard Times High society is really taking a beating in this economic crisis. The scores of trophy wives who have been left to fend for themselves by husbands caught in the unfortunate outing of greed and corruption on Wall Street are not taking their fall from status lying down—well, maybe they’ll take it lying down if the opportunity presents itself—anyway, there are many former well-to-do women out there who, because of the recent convictions of their high profile spouses, have begun to wonder, “will I ever shop at Gucci again?” Jul 25, 2009, 10:24 College Graduate Unprepared For Unemployment, Layoffs, Stress & Corporate Politics Any town, NH- A Glossy News study of this spring's crop of college graduates has found that this years class of graduates are ill prepared for unemployment, job layoffs, work related stress, and corporate politics. Britney Collins (Pictured) who recently earned a degree in finance from a prestigious east coast college, fears that she is not fully prepared for what awaits her in the workplace. Jul 25, 2009, 07:00 Madoff RFD (ala Mayberry, Only Worse) It was announced today that Bernard Madoff has finally found a prison home for the rest of his natural life, Mayberry RFD. As crazy as it sounds, Madoff’s attorney had put in a request that Madoff’s sentence be carried out at Otisville, NY, in order for him to be close to his family. Unfortunately, whoever received that request read it completely wrong and thought that Madoff was requesting to be imprisoned in the same cell where... Jul 24, 2009, 22:01 Obama Administration Stunned by State Department Secession Washington – Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declared today the State Department‘s independence from the Obama Administration. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reported that President Obama reacted very coolly to the news. "His only comment," Gibbs said, was, “Let’s all be calm about this and give everybody a few weeks to sort things out.” Jul 24, 2009, 08:49 Extraterrestrial Contact Comes to Light in Aftermath of Jackson Funeral In the world media’s struggle to find enough material to fill the void left by Michael Jackson’s death, it has come to light that a race of intelligent extraterrestrial life forms visited Earth in late June. Unfortunately, their presence went unnoticed by everyone except a few NASA scientists due to the world’s preoccupation with the death of the King of Pop. Jul 24, 2009, 05:03 Hillary Trashes Bill on “Oprah” Chicago - In a widely anticipated appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her sympathy to Jenny Sanford, the wife of admitted adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. To the audience’s surprise, Mrs. Clinton then addressed nagging questions about her own marriage to Bill Clinton. "Did I know Bill to abuse women? Yes. Did I know him to ignore his duties to pursue tawdry affairs? Of course." Jul 23, 2009, 15:27 Controversy Erupts Over Bumper Stickers on Slow News Day Small Town USA, Illinois – The controversial issue of how long it takes to remove the city registration vehicle sticker from a car window erupted this week. Citizens with apparently little to do, protested in the local paper and to their alderman, that it takes them to long to remove their old vehicle stickers. Jul 23, 2009, 13:20 First Lady Threatens Legal Action on Sotomayor Nomination Washington – In an interview with Katie Couric this morning, Michelle Obama revealed that she is suing the President for breach of contract over the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. "Over a hamburger on our first date in 1990, Barack and I pledged that whoever became President first would nominate the other to the Supreme Court. Even then, I knew every promise he made came with an expiration date [ht: NRO Corner], so I preserved a recording of the conversation, just in case. Jul 23, 2009, 10:15 White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport New York - In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California's economy. "The devastating 2007 fires tipped California over the edge," Emanuel said. "What is not widely known is that President Bush, peeved at the 'Governator,' behaved badly during his 2007 visit to the fire-ravaged state, making the situation far worse and far more costly.” Jul 22, 2009, 20:59 NHS: Shag a Day Keeps the Doctor Away The UK’s inept National Health Service makes one of its more paradoxical statements - addressed to school children - by announcing their God-given right to 'an orgasm a day' – which in their profound wisdom consider might well keep the doctor away. The squirly NHS ‘roundabouts and swings’ guidance is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health and relieving all manner of psychological stress. Jul 21, 2009, 07:35 Masonic Lodge Raided for Witchcraft A group of dodgy Freemason types were arrested and jailed in Fiji after superstitious local villagers complained to police the group were malevolent kiddie-snatching Satanists and practising witchcraft. The thirteen men, comprising a traditional Mason’s Dozen, included eight very iffy Australian transvestites, four New Zealand Maori half-caste sheep shaggers and some French- Tahitian twat dressed in suspenders and a corset going by the name of Pierre. Jul 21, 2009, 06:18 Ku Klux Klan To Burn Eco-Friendly Crosses SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. - In what has been dubbed the "green hate" movement, the Klu Klux Klan has unanimously resolved to burn only the most environmentally friendly crosses in an effort to make the world a more beautiful place to hate kikes and negros. "Our social harmony isn't the only thing being threatened, but our environmental harmony as well," said Thomas Robb, national director of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. Jul 21, 2009, 05:59 Ex-RBS Bank Boss Gives Away Pension Fund A British man who arrived at a Spanish airport on Wednesday, after having suffering a massive in-flight conscience attack, was taken into custody -- not for bad behaviour but for being too generous. It turned out that the tourist, Sir Fred Badwin, had recently received a huge early retirement pension pot of £700,000 per year and a multi-million pound tax-free lump sum as a reward for actually bankrupting the Royal Bank of Scumland – which had to be salvaged by the mainly unemployed British taxpayers. Jul 20, 2009, 23:44 Biden Real Hero of Somali Pirate Standoff In an interview with the Washington Post today, Vice President Joe Biden took credit for resolving the USS Bainbridge-Somali pirate standoff last April. "When we heard what was goin' down, I said, 'Boss, lemme go out there and take charge. Those guys are just working-class, blue collar pirates. I know howta get down 'n dirty with people like that if I hafta.' So the Big O says, 'Go for it, Joe.'" Jul 20, 2009, 15:33 Bonkers Boris Puts Foot Deeo In It... Again Certified squirly stand-up comedian and London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has described his £250,000 per annum for a weekly column scribbled for the Daily Shitraker as "chicken feed". The arrogant serial idiot later told the BBC's ‘Dog Wankers’ programme that it was wholly reasonable for him take the second salary in addition to the measly £140,000 annual paycheque – plus performance bonuses, perks, and expenses - he gets for posing as a Dick Whittington wannabe too. Jul 20, 2009, 07:34 Cheneys Evicted from Naval Observatory Following Biden Revelation WASHINGTON DC - In a rare governmental move, the self-made non-executive Vice President and his wife were summarily evicted from their government-supported residence at the US Naval Observatory in Washington, DC today. When Cheney claimed last week that his office is not part of the executive branch, wheels in the GAO began to spin. Officials there said, referring to the "Plum book" - a directory of office phone numbers/addresses in the government, that Cheney's statement would "automatically erase him from the listing." Jul 19, 2009, 13:38 UK Gets Hots Over Genocides Past War crimes suspects from Rwanda and the Balkans – and other nasty Third World shitholes - living in Britain could be tried in the UK under plans outlined by Injustice Secretary Jack Straw in response to recent warnings from human rights campaigners that the UK was becoming the first choice safe haven and holiday break destination for fugitive war criminals – especially so during Wimbledon fortnight. Under the proposals, anyone having their names in Amnesty International’s ‘Naughty Book’ and suspected of war crimes – since 1991 - ten years earlier than the current law allows - could be prosecuted in a UK court. Jul 19, 2009, 13:18 Manchester Museum Hires Live-In Hermit Mr. Kermit Tiswas, a career hermit with an MA in Advanced Seclusion, has begun 40 days of isolation inside a Gothic tower at Manchester Museum. The 95-year old - who likes to be known as Kermit the Hermit - previously lived in a Wythenshawe Park tree, from which he was evicted by council bailiffs earlier this year for shitting on passers-by – now plans to contemplate things "lost" and the impact the imminent extinction of the human race might have on the 2012 Olympics during his confinement. Jul 19, 2009, 03:45 Batman Themed Pajamas More Fun Under the Age of 8 No man is an island but some men, I've come to learn, are billionaire tycoon Bruce Wayne. While we may lack his fortune we've got his bat-like agility down to an artistic science and by that I mean we hang around, flop like nuts and ultimately get the job done. We normally go pretty crazy for Halloween, but this year we've been so busy with school, getting ready for a big move and trying to figure out which colors are which,* we just haven't had time to hammer out the holidays like we have in years past. Jul 18, 2009, 06:13 Frogs Top "Worst Tourists" Survey According to a recent global survey by the TTRA-funded Bad Manners Review, French tourists are the worst to tolerate on God’s Earth where travel matters are concerned. The survey canvassed 450,000 hotels and resorts worldwide, some of them no more than grass huts and beach front sheds, to rank tourists on their behaviour abroad. Jul 18, 2009, 06:07 Tony Bliar: A Planet-Saving Kinda Guy – Que? New Labour’s former Chief Scumbag and Spin Merchant Tony Blair joins ranks with the insidious global warming alarmists and is flogging a novel green masterplan fresh from the scheme tank of his Rothshite New World Order masters. This evangelist – nay Messiah - for world-saving green technology claims it won’t mean giving up our energy-rich lifestyle but it will cost us – yes us – the tax-payers - ££$$ zillions. Jul 18, 2009, 03:00 Brown 'Troop Deaths a Sign of Success' Que? The UK forces mission in Afghanistan is showing "signs of success", Prime Minister Gordon "Incapability" Brown insists, despite the deaths of 15 soldiers in 10 days. Que? is that a sample of Gordon's maths ratios? God knows what our addle-brained unelected leader would have made of the British losses during the World War One 1916 Battle of the Somme -- a series of brilliant tactical accomplishments perhaps. Jul 17, 2009, 15:02 Sorcery Industry Unaffected by Recession The UK's Jobcentre Plus website is advertising a "Wicked Witch" vacancy with Dark Ages theme park Nookey Hole, in Scumerset, for '50,000 a year ' plus added benefits, pension scheme and a guaranteed annual Halloween bonus ' and includes a custom-built supercharged broomstick that comes with the job. The witch, who has to live in the site's caves ' up to her knees in bat shit - is expected to teach witchcraft and magic, cast spells and curses, mix potions and not be a squeamish or do-gooder type. Jul 17, 2009, 13:13 Gen Motors Reveals New Problem Solving Worksheet Detroit - In the first of many steps aimed at improving it's business, General Motors today adopted a new problem solving methodology that it hopes will lead it to increased productivity and quicker problem resolution. G.M. CEO Rick Wagoner indicated today that this step is one of many ideas to come that the firm will be adopting to better reinvent their business and stay competitive in the new global marketplace. Jul 17, 2009, 05:46 Woman Arrested for Noisy Sex An unemployed Scumdale-on-Sea woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order) banning her from being noisy during sex. Neighbours complained of hearing Fellatia Sodomberg, a 17-year old mother of three, howling in orgasmic ecstasy and her bed's headboard banging against the wall at her home in Nymphomania Terrace while she reportedly masturbated with a variety of seasonal salad vegetables ' including one of Pukesbury's 'Snobs' range of finest Mediterranean cucumbers. Jul 16, 2009, 15:55 Palin to Build her Vice Presidential Library in Wasilla WASILLA, AK - Imagine the surprise to the people of Wasilla, Alaska when their former governor, and former-former town mayor Sarah Palin, announced that she would begin building her Vice Presidential Library in the Brett Memorial Ice Arena that was the town's hockey rink. "I decided that I could just as good use the rink right by my home here as my library now that I don't have an office anymore in the state and I do need to have an office to continue my work for the good of the country. Jul 16, 2009, 13:29 Male Midwife: "Women Need to Harden the F**k Up!" The United Kingdom's leading male midwife, Dr Dennis Walsh, associate professor of midwifery at Nottingham University, has told woman that they need to "harden the fuck up and stop being a bunch of sooks". He made the announcement in a paper submitted to the journal: Evidence Based Midwifery entitled "Why squeezing an oddly shaped basketball through a hole smaller than a tennis ball, doesn't hurt that much and you should stop moaning about it". Jul 16, 2009, 05:08 Fast Walking Employee Admits Having Nothing To Do Chicago, Illinois - An employee observed at a downtown business, always walking very fast around the office, recently confirmed what a few of his coworkers already suspected. The employee who wished to remain anonymous, stated that all though he always makes an effort to walk fast when moving about the office, he really has very little to do. When pressed, the employee confirmed that since he has fewer responsibilities now and only two people to supervise, that he often has very little actual work. Jul 15, 2009, 13:55 Failed Rail Re-Nationalised for Fun & Profit A Whitehall snitch, (Wilton Thort-Nott) speaking on conditions of anonymity with reporters last night in Soho’s infamous Pikey’s Arms public house, revealed, for a modest thirty pieces of silver, a swift snort of coke and a pint of Headbanger lager, that the government is to take the East Coast Rattletrack rail service, run by PFI incompetents National Excess, back into public ownership. The troubled rail franchise, which is expected to have lost what financial experts refer to as... Jul 15, 2009, 09:44 Pope Benedict Declars "Miracles, Why Not?" A string of miracles attributed to 15th Century Spanish Dominican Cardinal Tommy Torquemada has been recognised by Pope Benny – the all-new German built-to-last Mk.XVI papal model. The Vatican has approved claims the cardinal's intervention cured thousands of infidels, Jews, Muslim, Pancake Tuesday Adventists and other heathen types of their heresy after being tortured at his hands – who all went on to gain entry to the Christian Heaven and sit at the right hand of God – until things got ridiculously overcrowded and some had to sit on His left. Jul 15, 2009, 06:04 Secret Obama Health Strategy Leaked, Leaky Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward revealed today that a high-level White House source has provided him with transcripts of Obama War Room strategy sessions. "This President wastes no time in identifying a problem and pushing his staff to come up with solutions," said Woodward. "Here is an excerpt from a recent meeting at the White House on health care reform": Jul 14, 2009, 09:59 Armed Assault Classes; Teacher 3: Pupils 0 A Smegmashire crafts teacher has been arrested after a 14-year old pupil at a local Catholic school suffered serious head injuries during an arts and crafts class and is being held on suspicion of attempted murder, police spokesman PC Bazzer Fuctifino told reporters from the gutter press – for a small consideration. The 95-year old teacher Wilf Scrunt, a reformed rhubarb addict, known jokingly as the ‘Nutty Professor’, is also being questioned about the alleged assaults on two other Year 8 pupils during the same incident at the St. Sodoms School for Latter Day Psychopaths in Dorksford on Wednesday afternoon. Jul 14, 2009, 05:35 Pedophobia Sparks Total Grown-up Ban at Sports Day Outraged parents were banned from attending their children's annual school sports day to protect pupils from potential child abductors and paedophiles. More than 270 male and female pupils from four primary schools in Smegmashire took part in the St. Sodoms Sports Partnership Athletics Day. Jul 14, 2009, 04:36 Employee Leaves Vacation Voicemail Greeting for 18-Months Detroit, MI. - John Smith works at large American auto manufacture. Like most of his coworkers, when Mr. Smith went on vacation he always updated his voice mail greeting with a notice of his time off and contact assistance for while he was out. Also like most of his coworkers, Mr. Smith used to always immediately remove his vacation voice mail greeting when ever he returned to work. Jul 13, 2009, 05:08 Starbucks Find Cure For - Que? - Alzheimer’s Drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse the memory problems manifested by Alzheimer's Disease, according to staff at a High Street Starbucks cafe in Smegmadale. The experimental research, carried out by bored counter staff and waitresses on mice, also suggested caffeine hampered the production of the protein plaques which are the hallmark of the disease. Jul 13, 2009, 04:58 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Loony Bin Socialite heiress Paris Hilton, the hedonistic wastrel great grand-daughter of hotel chain founder Harris Hilton, arrived in Dubai yesterday to promote her ‘In search of a new BFF’ reality TV show and interview candidates from the city state’s underground Lonely Lesbian Club. Hilton was featured in one segment of her show cuddled up close and personal with a muzzled camel which prompted programme producer Billy Bob Scruntberg to tell a reporter from the Squanderer’s Gazette “Hey, you know Paris – she’s always ready for a kinky hump.” Jul 13, 2009, 00:46 War Criminals Pack Wimbledon Stands The Centre Court at Wimbledon last Sunday saw a plethora of famous faces and porcine celebrity past-its packed into the stands to watch the men's singles final between Roger Federer of Cuckoo Clock Land and Andy Roddick of the good ole’ US of A. While Gorbals-bred Man’ United boss Alex “See you Jimmy” Ferguson was happy to suffer bare-headed third degree sunburn... Jul 12, 2009, 15:50 World/News Stops to Mourn Michael Jackson The world stopped today to watch the funeral of Michael Jackson, a 50 year old man who could sing and dance exceptionally well in the 80's and who really, really, really loved children. As every news network stayed tuned with morbid fascination to his funeral, people across the world, who purchased his "best of" album 10 years ago and have been playing it continuously in the last week watched every detail of his last moments. Jul 12, 2009, 10:35 Bill Clinton: Why Hillary Lost Washington - In his first in-depth interview since the election, former President Bill Clinton said he warned Mrs. Clinton early on that she needed to project a tougher image to attract independents. "We had a great TV spot ready to run in the battleground states," Clinton told CNN’s Larry King, "but Hillary thought it made her look too hawkish and nixed it. That was probably a mistake." Jul 12, 2009, 10:19 Sarah Palin Wins 2009 Nobel Economics Prize Des Moines, IA — "I would like to express my deepest gratitude for this very noble prize bestowed upon me for my work on the economy of buying and selling lemons in the Arctic." With these words, Gov. Sarah Palin thanked the Nobel Prize Committee in Sweden for their nomination of her for their 2008 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics. Her press conference speech continued, "Lemons have been around since the dawn of trade. Jul 11, 2009, 14:36 World's Largest Nude Woman Sculpture Arouses Locals, Ire Dubbed "Goddess of the Numpty North", Scumlandia will be made from two million tonnes of earth and slag dug out from an open cast mine at Scumdale, then topped with turf nicked at night from the nearby Scumford Sands Golf Course, and eventually tower hundreds of feet into the gray polluted skies. The Goddess, designed by artist Wentworth Fuctifino to represent the Gaia / Earth Mother principle, will recline over the Shitton open-cast mine and form the centre piece of a new public environmental park... Jul 11, 2009, 10:05 Rogue Afghan Guards Snuff Police Chief Forty-one US military trained Afghan guards, working for American private security firm Slackbladder / Xe have been arrested following a shootout in which Kandahar's provincial police chief was killed. Over fifty other policemen were snuffed and wounded after the Slackbladder / Xe guards, who are employed by US security forces, entered the Attorney General’s office at the Kandahar city prison - locked and loaded - and opened fire when told they would have to make an appointment and come back another day. Jul 11, 2009, 01:09 Absent-Minded Kid Attacked by Unmoving Rogue Wall On a pretty normal day, a day not unlike today, I expressed midway through a movie-film that it was time for me to take my leave and empty my teeniest, tiniest bladder against the best chronological conveniences of those around me. Mind you, we've had all kinds of problems with movie theaters in Puerto Rico, but none compared in my mind to the assault I suffered unto the face upon merely not paying attention to where I was walking. Jul 10, 2009, 06:30 Reporters Continuing Standing in Rain, Speaking in Strange Voices Reporters across New Zealand today have been pledged that they will continue to stand at the scene, where something not particularly interesting happened hours previously, if there was a slight chance that it would give the story the appearance of real journalism or at least trick you into thinking it was interesting. They have also confirmed that they will interview other journalists at the station with pre-supplied questions and... Jul 10, 2009, 02:21 Scandal-Happy Mandeslson Masterfully Plays Puppet Brown The rodent-faced Lord Peter Scandalson of Slimeborough – aka ‘Vermin in Ermine’ - stitched up a deal with New Labour’s deadweight PM Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown for a tame Iraq inquiry to protect his former mentor Tony Bliar, according to a report leaked to the Rumour Mill Gazette. Business Secretary Scandalson apparently coerced the inept Brown by giving the numpty clot a Chinese burn and poking him in his good eye... Jul 10, 2009, 01:02 Gary McKinnon Marked for Hacking Real X-Files A demonstration on behalf of Gary McKinnon was held outside the Home Office in London yesterday afternoon with protesters hurling cobs of fermenting chocolate blancmange and lumps of steaming aardvark shite at Home Secretary Jacqui Smith when she appeared on her third floor office balcony, ordering the assembly to “Be quiet and fuck off”. Jul 9, 2009, 04:55 Political Reality TV From Donald Trump Trump Tower, New York City, NY The Donald has done it again by trumping the networks out of yet another reality show. This time it is a totally political show about running for president and the winner gets to actually be President for a day. Donald Trump announced that his new show tentatively titled "Big Bro 45" would be a cash cow for his production company with ratings going off the charts in all the big markets. Jul 9, 2009, 04:41 Bloggers: The New Domestic Terrorists A virulent assault by John Fartingan, the CEO of Rupert Mudrock’s ‘Skewed News Limited’, has labeled bloggers and alternative media sources as “domestic terrorists”, with Fartingan stating bloggers should be emasculated and jailed in Europe as they are in oppressive police states like Australia, the US, Saudi Arabia and China. Jul 9, 2009, 01:34 Crackdown On Illegal Parking Extends to Your Own Driveway TOLEDO, OH - Forget the Mayor and Recall Him! Times are hard everywhere, and Towns are looking for revenue. In this Town the people are getting a Toledo Blade in their butt. What does this brilliant Mayor do to get revenue? He screws the people who voted for him by cracking down on a Law for illegal parking in your own driveway. This same Mayor is going to be in a Recall Election. For this Mayor, that’s the ticket. Jul 8, 2009, 09:10 NY Teachers Paid to Sit on Their Asses Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offences ranging from kiddie fiddling to bank robbery and domestic terrorism are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing with themselves, surfing the Internet or throwing arrows at a Barack Obama dartboard. Because union contracts make it extremely difficult to fire tenured teachers for anything less than first degree murder or genocide... Jul 8, 2009, 02:29 Heartless Bank Taking Souls as Collateral... No, Seriously A private finance company in loopy Latvia is offering residents loans secured by nothing more than their immortal soul. The Riga-based firm, ‘Lucifer Loans’, does not require a credit history record or proof of employment and grants loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) to any adult of 16 years or older after he or she signs a short agreement - in their own blood. Jul 8, 2009, 02:28 Laura Bush Endorses Smoking, Drinking, Light Coke Usage Washington DC, Wondering what Laura Bush has been up to lately? Intrigued by her complete absence of any public appearances standing by her man, President George W.Bush, Glossy News recently set out to find out what the First Lady has been doing. Turns out, not too much more than smoking her favorite cigarettes and drinking beer. That's right, whether she is down home on the ranch in Crawford or at home in the White House, apparently Laura Bush has been spending much of her... Jul 7, 2009, 04:35 Uglies to be Banned from Wimbledon's Centre Court The All England Club, the hosts and organisers of the Wimbledon tennis tournament, have stated that they will be banning all ugly female competitors or "uggos" from centre court in favour of "young, tight, taut, babes, with, ooh yes, that's the stuff!" Ugly female players will only have the opportunity to play if they are in the top 3 and promise to wear a bag over their head, otherwise, the best spots will be given to 18 year old Italians. Jul 7, 2009, 03:11 White Supremacist Nutter Targeted Wimbledon The sacred Isle of Rockall is today reeling in shock and awe at breaking news of a Special Branch investigation of local man Fingal McTwat, arrested on charges related to terrorist activities. McTwat had been traveling from Rockall to Liverpool on the daily car ferry, where he got drunk in the saloon bar and urinated down the leg of Pandit Jaffacake, a Pakistani waiter, while uttering several racist insults concerning Mr. Jaffacake’s mother. Jul 7, 2009, 00:51 Wal-Mart Offers Savings, Convenience, Bio-Hazardous Bathrooms What in the hell is going on with Wal-Mart's restrooms? I don't care what time of day or which Wal-Mart I visit, their restrooms are deplorable. Granted a lot of people use their restrooms but damn! How about a little bleach, Ajax, Pine-sol or something? It's not like they can't find cleaning supplies - the store is full of them. This Saturday, I had to use one of their restrooms on Hallandale Beach Blvd. When I walked in that restroom I nearly threw up. Jul 6, 2009, 12:45 Rothschild Bank Slavery Shame Magically Absolved Two of the biggest establishment names in the City of London have previously undisclosed links to slavery in the British colonies – from which they profited greatly – according to a report in the current issue of the gutter press Scandal Rakers Gazette. Nathan Mayer Rothshite, the Zionist Kike banking family’s 19th Century patriarch, and Homer J. Crapfield, founder of Crapfields, an ambulance-chasing City law firm, benefited financially from slavery to the tune of millions of gold guineas... Jul 6, 2009, 05:48 Lost Ark-Nappers Admit Possession, Faithful Hesitant to Rejoice The patriarch of the Orthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Ethiopia says he will announce to the world today his schedule for the unveiling of the Ark of the Covenant. Apparently this piece of Biblical era flatpack furniture is claimed to be history’s most prized archaeological and spiritual artefact, which has been hidden away in the dusty shithole cellar of an Ethiopian church for two and a half millenniums, according to the Italian news agency Corruptioni Press. Jul 6, 2009, 04:18 Non-Kosher Electrons Technically Anti-Semitic A story on the front page of the Daily Whinger reports that an orthodox Jewish couple are suing their neighbours in a block of flats at Smegmadale-on-Sea because they claim an automatic security light breaks a religious prohibition and discriminates against them. Mrs. Dimwitty Dorkberg, the head teacher of the Jewish orthodox St. Schmuck’s College of Latter Day Foreskin Choppers, and her klutz of a husband Sheldon, claim they are kept prisoner in their holiday flat on the Sabbath... Jul 5, 2009, 05:56 Asylum Seeker Repatriations: Meg-Bucks Coup or Flop? A multi-million pound scheme formulated by the UK government to help failed asylum seekers and their children return home to their Third World shithole countries of origin resulted in just one family being repatriated, according to a Whitehall report leaked to the Welfare Spongers Gazette. Jul 5, 2009, 05:11 Ex-Homeland Security Secretary To Auction Duct Tape Collection Pittsburgh, PA - Ex-Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today announced, through the New York auction company Sotheby's, that on August 1-3, 2008, he will hold a personal auction of his sizeable collection of duct tape. The collection is rumored to be close to 365 million rolls in all 25 of the colors available. When asked why he is downsizing this amazing collection. Jul 5, 2009, 04:27 Administration to Pre-empt Iran by Nuke Israel First Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward has released another transcript of a recent White House strategy session, this one devoted to the looming Iran-Israel confrontation. "My source," Woodward said, "whom I refer to cryptically in my upcoming book as 'Hillary,' allowed me to listen to the tape, and the exchange below is accurately represented"... Jul 4, 2009, 10:14 Welfare Scammer a Dead Ringer for Deceased Mother A New York man has been arrested for impersonating his dead mother in order to claim $415,000 in social security benefits and rent subsidies – and get a regular endorphin-boosting transgender experience high. Seymour Slimeberg, 49, is accused by prosecutors of regularly dressing up in a wig, two-piece and pearls, and make-up in order to ‘look like Mummy’ and fool the authorities. Jul 4, 2009, 05:53 IRS Roosts on Top Spot of "Hugest Cocks" List The IRD (New Zealand's IRS department) are vying to return to the top spot of New Zealand biggest arseholes. After being bumped from the long running number 1 spot, by money grabbing banks and horny politicians, the Inland Revenue Department is now going to new lengths to prove to New Zealand that they truly are pure evil, demanding that you now hand over your first born in-lieu of back taxes. Jul 4, 2009, 02:02 Safety Rules Saves Lives, Ruins Childhoods UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children. Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre... Jul 3, 2009, 07:42 Study Finds Red Necks, Trailer Trash, Criminals And Sex Offenders Live In Trailer Parks Washington DC - The Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year, multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study, outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders. The report published last month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red necks. Jul 3, 2009, 04:23 Greedy Grocer Super-Slim Salads Packed with FAT Pre-packed salads are definitely not the healthier option, with some supermarket lunchtime snackie items higher in calories and fat than a Big Mick Greasy Burger and High-Col’ Toxic Twisty Fries from the local Chew n Spew - according to a report in the current issue of the ‘Heart Attack Gazette’. Researchers from ‘Slob’ and ‘Couch Spud’ magazines also looked at 20 different salad combinations from the major ‘Eat Healthy’ deli’ counters... Jul 3, 2009, 00:48 Webster to Redefine "Unemployed", "Lazy" to Remain Unchanged Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits. When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for... Jul 2, 2009, 17:03 Puerto Rico Children's Museum No Place for Kids We took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico last week and we saw a bunch of newsworthy things that really rocked the boat of our ability to take the cake. We'll cover all of them in uncomfortable detail in coming weeks, but first I have to point out the horrible travesty on child-named attractions that is the Puerto Rico Children's Museum. All I can say is that it's no place for kids. Jul 2, 2009, 06:31 Trust Me, I'm a Pilot: Que? Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast. A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain"s Mallorca Palma Airport. Jul 2, 2009, 03:41 Michael Jackson, The King of Freaks, death finally starting to look interesting. The general public are breathing a collective sigh of relief, as facts emerge following Michael Jackson's death, showing that his death was not as normal as first thought. Initially, it seemed the King of Freaks had died from a normal, run of the mill, heart attack induced by stress; as opposed to trying to fly like Peter Pan or getting attacked by a chimp as he tried to dress it in human clothes for his daily tea party. Jul 1, 2009, 22:43 Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall. The ‘Fenian Jolly Jihad’ group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan’s Swat Valley. Jul 1, 2009, 14:58 Employee Bathroom Time Monitored With New Electronic Hand Dryer Detroit, Mi- While most employees now are aware that their employers can monitor their phone and email communications, many may not be aware of a new trend being seen in companies across the country. The latest trend in employee monitoring has extended in to the corporate bathroom. Aided by new finger print recognition technology, those electronic hand dryers mounted on bathroom walls are keeping tabs on how much time individual employees spend in the bathroom. Jul 1, 2009, 04:20 Soulja Boy Yet to Register with Selective Service ARLINGTON,VA--In an impromptu press conference held outside Arlington Headquarters, Ernest Garcia, Acting Director of the Selective Service, revealed that 19 year-old DeAndre Ramone Way, popularly known as Soulja Boy, has yet to register with the agency. "It is a well-known fact that all able-bodied males between the ages of 18 and 25 are required by law to register with the Selective Service," Garcia said. Jun 30, 2009, 06:14 Iran Arrests UK's "Baker's Dozen" Agents Provocateur The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’. The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK’s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their ‘considerable role’ in post-election demonstrations – from inciting riots to... Jun 30, 2009, 02:32 BBC Now Covering Non-News & Mass Distraction, aka Human Interest The BBC ‘Front Page’ news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) – the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age. This Earth-shattering front page announcement will no doubt reverberate throughout the known Universe for Time Immemorial and alter the way everyday shit-for-brains peasants conceive the Divine Meaning - and Purpose - of Life and the Immortal Soul. Jun 30, 2009, 00:13 Speaker Election Turns into Monkey-Style Poo-Fling Extravaganza The race to become the most powerful House of Commons Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate. Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker. Jun 29, 2009, 09:18 Chinese Chopsticks Recalled Bejing, China – In a rather difficult scenario, China has recalled all of its recently shipped, disposable wood chopsticks – in excess of 45 billion pairs – the equivalent to about 25 million trees. China's governmental food spokesperson, Chiu Ree, said the problem is centered on the chemical makeup of the lacquer that is applied to the chopsticks in the finishing process. Lead has been discovered in the paint and lacquer by the testing body. Jun 29, 2009, 04:48 Cops Steal Millions, Decide Not to Arrest More than 300 of the UK’s elite Scotland Yard ‘Plod Squad’ are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards – presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP’s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker. Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism... Jun 29, 2009, 02:20 Daley Makes Plans for Gitmo Prisoners, Warns Welcome Wagoneers Chicago's Mayor for Life, Richard M. Daley, has sent his emissary to Washington DC to lobby President Obama to house the Gitmo prisoners in Chicago. The undisclosed emissary has the Mayor's agreement to grant the 240 prisoners work-release jobs in the new parking meter concession for the city. Mayor Daley has dubbed his latest profit-seeking offering "Git Mo' Chicago". Daley plans (with Obama's help) big things for these offshore prisoners. Jun 28, 2009, 05:16 Prince Charles: Mongrel AND Wastrel? British taxpayers involuntarily funded the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle of the bat-eared Prince of Wales to the tune of £30 million last year - an annual rise of almost 25% in the midst of a global recession, according to Clarence House accounts. The main cost was a 48% rise in official travel by air and rail, which increased to £10:75 million. Jun 28, 2009, 03:09 Al Qaeda Split Over Obama Overtures A source in al Qaeda's inner circle tells Al Jazeera that hardliners oppose Osama bin Laden's decision to alter the organization's tactics in response to President Barack Obama's effort to reach out to the Muslim world. "Mahmoud," one of the dissenters, provided Al Jazeera an audio tape containing portions of a recent conversation between Bin Laden and his second-in-command, Aimen Zawaheri, that purportedly took place in Pakistan’s tribal no-go area: Jun 28, 2009, 01:24 Who/What Got Laid in Argentina, Stays in Argentina Argentina Airlines, the offical airline of Argentina and points west, has released their new ad campaign and slogan today: "What got laid in Argentina, Stays in Argentina." When asked if this was a rip off of the Las Vegas slogan "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas," Pat McGroin, Argentina Airlines spokesman said, "yes and no. Yes, it is a rip off of that slogan, and no, we are not going to pay them for it." Jun 27, 2009, 18:02 White House Unhappy Cuba Eavesdropping On US Phone Calls Washington DC, Today the white house released evidence that the Cuban government has been eavesdropping on American telephone conversations placed both a the Guantanamo Bay naval base in Cuba as well as of domestic phone calls in the southern united states. At a white house news conference today held by president Bush and CIA director Porter J. Goss, the Bush administration showed their evidence of this spying... Jun 27, 2009, 09:12 Roundup: Good News & Bad: The Good News is it's All Bad Prospective buyers from around the globe, including North Korea, China and Somalia, have been calling auctioneers Floggit & Sons concerning the sale of a 76-acre stretch of Cornish beach. Shitdale Sands near St. Scabs has been put up for auction, with a guide price of £50,000. The Shitdale Sands beach has been owned for the past 19 years by a certain reclusive... Jun 27, 2009, 07:45 City Council Manhandles Delicates Issue of Thongs A recent ordinance passed by the City Council of Yakima, Washington prohibits the showing of what is delicately being called” cleavage of the buttocks” in public. The thong issue was first thought to be the result of the ruckus caused by the Starbucks coffee chain raunchy early version of its now famous logo. But that issue had already been toned down by their advertising agency and it no longer exposes the mermaid’s finer attributes. Jun 26, 2009, 08:54 Half-Blood Prince Harry Strips Title, Pants British Royal Cuckoo Prince Harry is still the toast of the Big Apple this week. Throngs of unemployed peasants have lined the streets of Manhattan to greet Britain’s popular pisshead prince with open arms – and in the ladies’ case – also open legs. Little do they realize that ginger minger Harry could soon be stripped of his royal title because it’s quickly becoming widespread public knowledge he’s not the biological son of bat-eared weirdo Prince Charles, an investigation undertaken by the Daily Shitraker has revealed. Jun 26, 2009, 03:22 Is Top Gear's "The Stig" a Secret Tory MP? To viewers of the Top Gear petrol-head show, he is the androgynous Transformer : part Man / part Cyberdork - whose arteries course with low-cholesterol STD oil additives. But the true substance of “The Stig”, the BBC motoring programme’s reclusive Mystery-Bot racing driver, was revealed yesterday to be somewhat more prosaic. Jun 26, 2009, 00:37 Iran Elections: White Beared Nut Job Supports Black Bearded Nut Job ; Everyone Riots Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country's leading expert on a book written nearly 2 millennia ago, has given his support to the disputed leader of Iran; Mahmoud Ahmadinjad. The pair have decided to invoke Iran's often used constitution, with regards to disputed results, in fixed elections, namely the; "Government knows best and shut your pie-hole before a crazed, masked government militia member blows your head off" bill. Jun 25, 2009, 05:39 Whitehouse Names New Shah Czar for Iran Washington’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’ Masonic Zionist fantasy foreign policy schemes regarding the Islamic Republic of Iran have now seen the Manifest Destiny quest for regime change choose a new ruler and prime minister. The Obama administration’s desired form of government would be a Constitutional Monarchy, with the Head of State being Reza Pahlavi, the wastrel scumbag son... Jun 25, 2009, 02:53 Chicago 2016 Olympics Bid Rejected, Blago To Rebid Chicago, IL - A number of IOC International Olympic Committee members are in Chicago for the International Boxing Championships this week and they are being squired about the city in limos and housed in regal splendor at the Ritz Carleton's Four Seasons Hotel on North Michigan Avenue. On Sunday evening, Glossy News gained entrance to the Hospitality suite set up for the IOC members and discovered that there is a big problem with the Chicago 2016 bid. Jun 25, 2009, 00:03 Israeli PM OKs Palestinian State "As Long As We Can Bomb You for Sport" The Israeli Prime Minister, Mr Netanyahu, surprised many today. Giving a speech on the future of the Middle East peace process, he stated that he would support a separate Palestinian state. He then no doubt, put many Israeli's minds at ease when he listed a long list of conditions which he knows only to well, no neighbouring peaceful state would agree to, let alone a neighbouring state that they have been at war with on and off of 60 years would agree on. Jun 24, 2009, 05:56 NASA Moon Mission Actually Ploy to Bomb Iran The US O’Barmy government’s plan to bring forward NASA’s scheduled October 2009 ‘Moon bombing’ to this coming week has sinister connotations according to one Washington rumour mill. A NASA lunar orbiter was scheduled to bomb the Moon’s surface with a two ton kinetic explosive device to create a five mile wide crater in a purported search for water. However the re-scheduling of the mission to next week has been... Jun 24, 2009, 03:09 If I Didn't Find You So Repulsive We'd Totally Be Compatible I have to say, Cliff, it’s not very often that I meet someone like you, someone I just seem to click with. We have so much in common, that were it not for the fact I am totally repulsed by the thought of any type of mouth-to-mouth contact with you, we would make a really great couple. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure many women would consider you to be a real catch. The fact you have all your hair and aren’t horribly disfigured or anything, seems to be a real selling point for the ladies these days. Jun 24, 2009, 01:07 Scandel-Plagued Brit MP Grateful Cow Attack Distracts Former scandal-ridden Home Secretary David Blindgit is recovering after being repeatedly charged and injured by an old cow in Derbyshire. The incident happened on Saturday while the blind Mr Blunkett was out walking in the Peak District on his 92nd birthday with faithful guide dog Sloppy, and looking for loose women to have his babies. Bonkett apparently heard the old cow charging towards him, and slipping off his Matalan overcoat, turned to meet the oncoming bovine beast matador-fashion. Jun 23, 2009, 07:01 Old Joke Keeps Getting Funnier, Scientists Baffled CHICAGO, IL.— Humorologists at The University Of Chicago, where fun goes to die, are currently wrestling with what appears to be an old joke that continues to get funnier with each and every telling. "The joke clearly violates the law of conservation of humor, which states that the funniness of a joke is inversely proportional to the number of times it is told," said Jojo Titterbags, professor of modern jocularities. "We may very well be looking at the Higgs boson of jokes, or as we humorologists call it, the Higglesworth banoonza." Jun 23, 2009, 04:04 London Bus Tour Bores Passenger to Death A Polish tourist who purchased a ‘Live Tours London’ bus ticket was driven around the city thirty-four times after staff failed to spot he had died en route, an inquest heard in evidence. Pawel Snuffsky, 85, died during his trip on the tour bus, but stayed in the garage overnight and was still in his seat when the bus went out the following day. Jun 23, 2009, 01:04 Laura Bush's New Book: "Pleasures of Masturbation" Chicago - Laura Bush today announced the publication of her second book entitled The Pleasures of Masturbation. Appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show in Chicago, Mrs. Bush revealed to the audience of mostly women, her latest publication. Mrs. Bush's new book is decidedly geared towards a different market than her previous endeavor. In April of this year Mrs. Bush and her daughter Jenna authored a children's book called ‘Read All About It!" Jun 22, 2009, 19:53 Biz Fined Over Rodent Breed - Correction: Rodent Bread Sheamus Murphy, an Irishman, got the shock of his life when he opened a loaf of bread and found a whole mouse inside. North Bonkersford Magistrates Court heard how Murphy had purchased the Rodent ‘s Delight malt loaf from a Grotty Grocer supermarket in the Ballyvermin area for a Christmas party last year. Jun 22, 2009, 05:21 Celeb Chef Ramsay Says "So F'ing Sorry" Celebrity foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay, who possesses a Master’s degree in Profanity, apologized following a major Numpty Dumpty row with an Australian TV host because his mother told him “If yer don’t say ‘sorry’ to the stupid dingbat cow I’ll stop yer pocket money an’ I want me trifle and scones recipes back.” The blaspheming TV chef was branded a 'pommie scumbag' by none other than Australia’s chief scumbag himself... Jun 22, 2009, 03:18 Kung Fu Hookers Crack Down on Smack Downs: Seriously Prostitutes in the southern Indian state of Tamil Nadu (renown for its piquant Madras pussy – and curries)) have begun taking karate lessons to protect themselves from violent customers and greedy pimps. The women say they were so fed up with abuses – such as having one shoved up their back passage when the client had only paid for a quickie knee trembler - that they approached a local martial arts club for help. Jun 21, 2009, 11:20 Man Fined for Illegally Forgetting Money Plastic plods from the council’s IQ-deficient Gestapo Squad in Scotland’s backward Slumborough area doled out a fifty pound fine to a man who acidentally dropped a tenner in the street. Unemployed Jock McTwat, 36, had just bought a second-hand tartan kilt with matching sporran for a quid at a Scumbag Shoppers charity store when he accidentally dropped a £10 note and his receipt. Jun 21, 2009, 07:30 Unemployment Line Surges with Republicans Washington, DC-- Just a few months after the general elections in which Americans overwhelmingly voted Republicans out of office, lines at unemployment offices around the country have been swelling with unemployed Republican politicians and their administrative workers. Unemployment benefits are suddenly looking attractive to these laid off Republicans. Jun 21, 2009, 04:20 BNP Press Conference Turns into Omelette Fiasco Nick Thugarotti, North-West England’s current Anti-Christ and the leader of the far-right skinhead and scally-infested British National Party, was forced to abandon a press conference yesterday when he was ambushed by protesters outside the House of Conmans. Thugarotti and his colleague Arthur Wogtwatter, who were elected to the European Parliament last week, were pelted with dozens of double-yolk eggs and chased down the street by more than 5,000 anti-fascism protesters chanting: “Off our streets yer Nazi scumbags!” Jun 20, 2009, 18:04 MI5 Recruits Teachers as Sneaky Student Snitches Military Intelligence Five (an obvious contradiction in itself), the UK’s domestic security agency, has commenced a recruitment drive in its expanding war against nasty fanatical Islamic terrorists, by stating that the preferred applicants are school teachers due their inherent people-handling skills make them ideal candidates for the role of sneaky spies. Jun 20, 2009, 12:43 The Do's and Dont's of Booty-Texting Thanks to technological advancements, it has now become easier than ever to keep fit and have fun after last call. With basic literacy skills and an economical phone text plan, you can make drunk dialing a thing of the past. Just keep the following in mind when texting your potential prey. -Do begin with a greeting message, such as “Long time no talk...”, or “Hey cutie, how’s it going?” Jun 20, 2009, 08:27 Fun Banned At Local Beach Waukegan, IL. - In what was regarded by beach authorities as a "great triumph," many small children whined obnoxiously last Friday when told that the Waukegan Municipal Beach (WMB) was no longer a place that allowed its patrons to have fun of any kind. According to Richard Gotts, officer of beach safety at WMB, the decision to ban fun was prompted by "rising insurance costs" coupled with the fact that... Jun 19, 2009, 06:21 Voodoo Gangs Target Albino "Medicine Donors" Trials have started in the Tanzania capital of Dodoma of thirteen people – known colloquially as the ‘Voodoo Dozen’ – who stand accused of murdering scores of albino bambinos and selling their body parts for use in witchcraft and cordon bleu cookery. More than two hundred albinos – both adult and infant - have gone missing and believe killed there in the last nine months. Jun 19, 2009, 05:58 Dumb Cops Arrest Blind Man for Speeding An elderly blind man, who has never held a driving licence, told the motoring correspondent from Gardener’s World how he was wrongly arrested and taken to court for committing a series of driving offenses. Cyril McScrunt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who works part-time as a tomcat peeler, lost his sight aged seven after being hit on the head with a frozen hallibut by his mother when she caught him masturbating over a copy of her... Jun 19, 2009, 03:46 Police Guilty of Water Boarding Offer "My Bad" An undisclosed number of the London Metropolitan Police’s ‘Dacoit Squad’ (rumoured to be six) have been suspended or placed on restricted duties (pigeon patrol)) due allegations of ill-treatment of suspects following a police drugs bust raid. The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) is investigating the Smegmadale Hamlets-based officers' conduct, according to Scotland Yard spokeslut Candida Fuctifino. Jun 18, 2009, 08:08 Big Pharma: Names You Simply Cannot Trust Yesterday one more in a long line of Big Pharma-controlled corupt FDA advisory panels approved the prescribing of powerful mind-altering chemicals for children. Seroquel, Zyprexa and Goedon have now been approved by this advisory panel of career criminals to be prescribed to children as young as 5 years old : to treat a fictitious disease invented by crooked psychiatrists and given the name "bipolar disorder." Jun 18, 2009, 02:28 On Cultural Conservatism: Lose a Uterus-Get a Job "Learn our language or leave!" If you've said this before you are a conservative. And conservatives are no fun. I waited tables with a middle aged woman who when not in her work uniform followed the hippie dress code very closely, decked out in patches, bell bottoms and a paisley 'do rag to go with her hemp necklace. One particularly busy evening in the kitchen she storms in yelling at the dishwasher with whom she puts... Jun 18, 2009, 00:19 Glacier Accused of Global Warming Denies Allegation This past week Klaus Klunt, climatology correspondent for the Tortoise Polishers Gazette, received an astounding report from Yakutat, Alaska, concerning the Hubbard Glacier. The glacier, in total denial of global warming, is advancing toward Gilbert Point near Yakutat at the astonishing rate of two meters (seven feet) per day, according to leading conspiracy theorists and climate change deniers! Jun 17, 2009, 08:40 Dignified Man Rejects Consolation Prize SHROPSHIRE, ENGLAND– Many eyebrows were raised last Friday when favored patrician Edward Randolph Cunningham III declined to receive a conciliatory trinket in recognition of his second-place showing at the 19th annual croquet tournament held at the Duchess of Shrewsbury's palace. Mr. Cunningham rejected the prize on the grounds that accepting such a shameful marker of his inadequacy would cause his dignity to suffer most unduly. Jun 17, 2009, 04:07 Burnham OKs Nazi-Style Water Fluoridation Andy Burnham, the UK’s all-new replacement Health Secretary, just appointed by Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, has called for universal water fluoridation despite global protests over 'mass medication' and concern of links to cancer, bone disease and stifling the human intellect. Burnham was accused of a 'conflict of interest' as he has been a supporter and... Jun 17, 2009, 00:47 Gunfight at the Holocaust Corral Goes Undeniably Awry A ‘lone’ gunman, armed with what police detectives described as a “gun”, shot and killed a guard inside Washington DC's Holohoax Museum before being shot himself, city police spokeswoman Candida Fuctifino told the International Herald. The ‘shooter’ is being treated by a horse doctor who stated he was in a ‘stable’ condition following the firefight incident which saw the museum’s crowds of visitors go straight into Chinese fire drill mode... Jun 16, 2009, 16:15 Carville Named "Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar" Washington - Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano introduced James Carville today as the Department's new "Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar." A political science professor at Tulane, Carville is inexplicably married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin. "Dr. Carville has an unparalleled understanding of the danger the right poses to President Obama’s vision of America," Napolitano said. Jun 16, 2009, 14:28 Australia Shocked Gordon Ramsey an Arrogant Wanker Australia was today reeling from the apparent shock, that celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey, is a completely self-absorbed, foul-mouthed, tosser. Ramsey's TV programmes Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares are ratings winners in Australia. The basic premise of these shows involve Ramsey swearing at, insulting, putting down and generally degrading anyone within 10 feet of him. Jun 16, 2009, 08:59 Billionaires Laugh Maniacally About Your Greenpeace Donation It is one of the most elite clubs in the world. The Good Club is made up of the worlds richest and most generous people, who right now, are making the $10 you give to Greenpeace each month look as pitiful as it really is. The Good Club recently held its first meeting, rumoured to be the biggest love-in/mutual back-slapping event since Bob Geldof gave hand relief to Bono at Live 8. Jun 15, 2009, 04:14 Study Links Loud Mufflers to Penile Inadequacy You can hear them coming from miles away; motorcycles, trucks and cars with modified exhaust systems customized to rattle the fillings out of your head. Have you ever wondered about the owner? Now new study is shedding some light on this phenomena. Researchers from the University of South Carolina released their results on Wednesday which show a direct relationship between the size of a man's penis to the sounds emanating from his muffler. Jun 15, 2009, 02:34 UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" The UK Prime Minister is said to be "seriously regretting", not calling a general election in June 2007 when he received the reigns from the then Prime Minister Tony Blair. At the time with Labours popularity at a 10 year low following Blair's oil wars, Mr Brown had assumed he could only go up in opinion during the next 2-3 years. Jun 15, 2009, 00:25 Taliban Women's Rights Scores Surprisingly Low A video showing a teenage girl being flogged by Taliban Islamic fundamentalist headbangers has emerged from the Twat Valley in Pakistan, offering a shocking glimpse of militant brutality in this once-pleasant desert shithole, and a sign that Taliban Dan’s malevolent religious influence is spreading deeper into the country. Jun 14, 2009, 07:54 Tobacco Powered Car Smokes Competition Researchers at North Carolina State University this week unveiled the first tobacco powered car. Acting Professor of Advanced Scientific Agriculture Random Hudson and his students have nicknamed the prototype "Puffy" and say the car is ready for mass production as soon as it gets federal approval. The team developed a smooth, low tar, slow burning blend of American tobacco perfect for use in any gas powered vehicle. Jun 14, 2009, 03:21 Prince Harry Heads to Big Apple to "Meet a Black Person" Prince Henry Horace Hesketh Hewitt Woodruff Windsor – the Royal Cuckoo and Chief Imperial Ranga, arrived in New York after Charlie, his bat-eared father, got fed up with him hanging around Clarence House playing video games, kicking the corgis and calling Dragonilla (the new Mrs. Windsor) a second-hand slapper – and stuck him on a plane with the words “Go and annoy the fucking Yanks for a while, you little ginger-minger tosspot.” Jun 14, 2009, 00:23 O'Reilly, "I'm not a racist, I'm Close To Many Black People" New York NY- Responding to critics who claimed his review of famed Harlem restaurant Sylvia’s was racist, Fox TV host Bill O’Reilly told Glossy News "I’m not a racist, mother fucker, I am close to many black people. The recent flap over this is just plain stupid and it is being fueled by the same radical left wing liberal white people that supported that woman Hillary Clinton and that Barack Obama fellow." Jun 13, 2009, 08:53 Study: OCD, Mania, Tourette's Can Make Life Better Did anyone solve the BBC’s online news’ question yesterday : whatever happened to the Boy who couldn’t stop Swearing? Simple - he grew up into the Man who couldn’t stop Swearing. Yes, twenty years ago this week chronic Coprolalia sufferer Freddie Foulgob became the face of Tourette’s Syndrome across Britain when a BBC QED documentary about his daily battles with the illness became a national gossip topic. Jun 13, 2009, 07:26 Britain Defeats Iraq - Hurrah! Gordon Brown the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, declared that after 6 years at war, the UK would be withdrawing troops from Iraq as they had basically won as there was no-way the Iraqis could ever catch up. Especially when only using poxy suicide bombers, instead of proper civilised weapons such as tanks and the like. Gordon Brown continued: "I think history... Jun 13, 2009, 04:01 Christ-Era Expense Scandal Shows UK MPs "Being Traditional" Ancient Roman accounting tablets suggest public officials were involved in a range of expenses fiddles 2,000 years ago to equal - and surpass - the current MPs House of Conman’s scandals. Writing tablets of wood and hide uncovered near Hadrian's Wall - built across northern England to keep out the Caledonian wild men in skirts - detail hundreds of expenses claimed by Roman officials. Jun 12, 2009, 19:31 UK Cracks Down on Footy Fashionistas Britain’s newly-formed SuperPlod Squad is launching a drive to track down wanted foreign fugitives from the global criminal syndicate Renta-Crook, believed to be hiding in the UK. A preliminary search revealed several hiding in Parliament’s House of Conmans posing as MP’s – where they blended in with camouflage perfection with all the other career criminals. Jun 12, 2009, 16:00 Memorial Service for World's Greatest Electric Kazooist Scheduled Hell no. he won't blow! The legendary Haney Wilkie will finally have his spirit laid to rest in a memorial service this Saturday at the abandoned Mica mine near the family compound in Eastern Alabama. The iconic songwriter and arguably the world’s most prolific electric kazoo player has been missing and presumed dead by most of the known world for the past 37 years. Jun 12, 2009, 14:05 Obama’s Mideast Tour Rocks the Casbah President Obama’s speech at Cairo University Thursday, which appealed to Muslims for a new beginning in their relationship with the United States, was met with mostly positive reactions. He insinuated the United States would be even willing to hold hands with a Muslim woman, regardless of how hairy she was, but would not go as far as to say the country would give her a back rub after a long day of mothering future little terrorist bastards. Jun 11, 2009, 07:40 Art Film Aims To Suck OLYMPIA, Wa. – Young filmmaker Mark Ziweski recently started production of what he hopes will be yet another piece of pretentious schlock that nobody really cares about. "It should be quite bad," said the beret-wearing Ziweski, stirring some powdered cream into his Fair Trade coffee. "I will bring the people nothing less than the most uninspired thirty minutes ever caught on low quality camera." Jun 11, 2009, 03:54 Murdered Chickens Off the Menu in China China's health authorities are reported to be putting a stop to restaurants serving chickens that have been bitten to death by poisonous snakes. The dish, known colloquially as ‘Terrified Rooster’ which is served by a small number of restaurants in the traditionally-barbaric southern Squawking and Clucking provinces, is billed as detoxing – for the eater – although quite fatal for the chickens involved. Jun 11, 2009, 00:54 Mother-In-Law Convicted of Slavery Worshipped by Millions Appraised by a casual glance Mrs. Nastygit al Bobo didn’t appear to be an out-of-the-ordinary figure around her home town of Smegmadale in the UK’s grim recession-stricken north-west, apart from the cat-of-nine-tails she habitually carried while chewing a six inch nail and spitting cobs of brown rust. But behind closed doors this ‘Granny from Hell’ imprisoned her three daughters-in-law and used them as her personal slaves for fifteen years. Jun 10, 2009, 07:22 Big Brother #10 Lands on TV Like Non-Metaphorical Vomit Sixteen celebrity wannabee contestants braved the crowds of nasty losers on their way into the fabled Big Brother house at Twatford-on-Sea to kick off the 10th series of the Nausea Channel’s popular reality show. Across the globe, in palaces, mansions, sheds, tents, yurts, huts and igloos more than 5.4 billion - 97.3 % of the world’s total TV audience – were glued to the screen and watched as the wannabes made their entrance. Jun 10, 2009, 02:29 Honorable Freshman Saving Ass for Marriage Boise, ID.- A college student has received a fair amount of unsolicited attention, after vowing to abstain from having her ass-tapped until marriage. Claire Ford, a cheerleader and member of student council at Brinton College, declared publicly that the only man tapping her ass will be the man she exchanges vows with. “My parents had very high morals, and they told us girls that having our ass-tapped was a sacred event”, she explains. Jun 10, 2009, 00:15 Ex Says Clark Rocky 'Rockefeller' Balboa Con Watertight The British ex-wife of a man who posed as a member of the mutant Rockefeller oil dynasty has told a Boston court she had no reason to doubt his life story and think he was a lying twit. Sandra Boss said her husband called himself Clark Kent Rockefeller, claimed to have attended Yale from the age of 12 due his genius IQ and held the patents to the left-handed coat hanger plus several more hi-tech inventions. Jun 9, 2009, 04:50 Gordon Brown's Political Future Dims to Match Intellect Minister for Old Rope - and MP for Bald Scrotum - Hazel Bleary, has quit the Labour cabinet, increasing pressure on UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown to call it a day and hold a General Election. Her departure is the second top-level resignation on the eve of the European and English local elections and led to stormy scenes in the House of Conman’s as the Prime Minister denied his government was now a total fuck-up and rejected calls for an immediate general election. Jun 9, 2009, 03:26 Auto Parts Store Celebrates 1000th Oil Change In Parking Lot Madison,WI- The Napa auto parts franchise in Madison Wisconsin today celebrated the 1000th oil change completed in its parking lot. According to store manger Glenn Wilson, the fact that the store's customers often change the oil and complete other self service on their automobiles outside in the store parking lot, is a testament to the value and choice that his business offers consumers. Jun 9, 2009, 01:34 Australia Continues Proud History of Brown People Violence An overnight protest by Indian students in Australia's second largest city, Melbourne, broke up early yesterday morning with 18 people detained by police for "not loving Australia". 2000 Indian students protested the recent violent attacks on Indian nationals in Australia. Jun 8, 2009, 05:01 Wales Hit by Earthquake: Thousands Shit Pants An earthquake, the largest measured in south Wales for 14 million years, has been confirmed by seismologists at the Llandudno Institute of Volcanology. The quake was felt at 15:42 BST on Saturday afternoon with the epicentre near Twatyffyllon, 6.2 miles north east of Port Scrunt. Jun 8, 2009, 02:37 Little Brother (and Sister) are Watching You Primary schoolchildren from the age of five are set to be taught how to spot potential terror suspects as part of a Numpty-Plod government strategy to tackle extremism – both political and religious. Smegmadale Police’s elite anti-terrorist unit ‘Twat-a-Wog’ has made a DVD featuring animated animals in a bid to teach children about the dangers of fundamentalism. Jun 8, 2009, 00:10 USA Anticipates Fighting a War It Might Win With North Korea's leader Kim Jong-il looking crazier by the second, America was rubbing it's hands together with glee at the prospect of fighting a conventional war, as opposed to wandering round the desert, waiting for some insane bearded type with a shit-load of dynamite strapped to him, to jump out at them. North Korea yesterday warned it would act in "self defence" by blasting anything that came within 1000 miles of its borders with... Jun 7, 2009, 07:03 Gates Goes Ballistic, Issues Korea "Final Warning" The US "will not accept" a nuclear-armed North Korea, Defence Secretary Robert Goats has told an Asian summit – even though Nor’ Kor’ has no choice but to accept a nuclear-armed belligerent bully boy US poking it’s nose into Korean peninsula affairs yet again. Goats, a former balloon inflator, said the United States would "not stand idly by as North Korea builds the capability to wreak nuclear destruction on any target in the region like we did to Japan in 1945". Jun 7, 2009, 02:50 God's Unconditional Love Officially Terminated Earth- Mass panic ensued among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will no longer be provided unconditionally. "If you want my love you're going to have to earn it," said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who continuously sang His praise. Jun 7, 2009, 00:44 Obama Advances Pander-Stampede in Muslim East President Barky O’Barmy has said the "cycle of suspicion and discord" between the United States and Israel – and the Muslim world must end – or else. In a keynote speech in Cairo, O’Barmy called for a "new beginning" in ties with Pan-Islam. He admitted there had been "years of distrust" and said all sides needed to make a "sustained effort... to respect one another and seek common ground – but not on the West Bank just yet". Jun 6, 2009, 11:29 Pope Calls Casually for Israel to be Wiped Off Map Pope Benedict XVI has joined the ranks of other religious fanatics, world leaders and nut jobs with calls to wipe Israel off the map. Standing alongside Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, he delivered his strongest public support yet for blowing the living shit out of Israel. Thereby continuing along his current trend of giving his opinion when it's not wanted, needed or relevant to his role as Pope. Jun 6, 2009, 09:44 Fiji's Compromise: Will Bump 4th Coup to 2010 Crazed warlord Frank Bainimarama has decided to move Fiji's 4th armed coup to 2010, in an attempt to maximise sponsorship deals from TV and radio networks as well as other advertising media. Sam Bainimarama, a spokesman for the current Fiji administration said: "To make the next coup the most successful ever we decided that the year was important. 2009 clashes with the European Championship, 2011 is the Rugby and Cricket World Cup, 2012 is the Summer Olympics, 2013 is the soccer world cup. Jun 6, 2009, 06:33 Glossy News Seeks a Full-Time Editor Become an editor for a satirical magazine - One of the oldest, most aggressively publishing satirical rags on the web is putting it all out on the line, begging unabashadly in attempts to find an editor to help run this show on the odd days when I'm just too busy paying attention to my children or otherwise attending to life at large. would you be interested and/or capable of becoming the new de facto editor of Glossy News? Jun 5, 2009, 19:54 Sarah Palin To Offer Sarah Barracuda Line Of Lipstick Cleveland, OH. – Alaska Governor and GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin today announced her plan to sell a "Sarah Barracuda" line of lipstick. Gathered at a Cleveland hotel, with John McCain at her side with a glowing smile of school boy with a crush, Mrs. Palin told reporters of her plans to start selling a full line of lip gloss. Jun 5, 2009, 09:39 Kill Bill Star Carradine - er – 'Killed' The Kill Bill movies and Kung Fu television series icon David Carradine has been found dead in a Bangkok hotel room. Thai police told the International Herald Shitraker the 92-year-old actor was found by a hotel maid this morning, hanging in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck – directly between his trousers and shirts. The US star was in Thailand filming his latest movie ‘Neck Stretch’, according to his personal manager Seymour Fassbender. Jun 5, 2009, 05:01 Tiananmen Square Peace Anniversary Day Celebrated Police in China's capital, Beijing, have ringed Tiananmen Square on the 20th anniversary of the violent suppression of student-led protests – known in the PRC as the “June 4th Incident” to avoid confusion with all the other occasions when students and protestors have been slaughtered in the square. Jun 5, 2009, 01:20 Scientific Study Finds Chickens Stressed as Fuck A vague unnamed possibly scientific report, has stated that, whether battery or free range, chickens are all on edge, and, if only they had an opposable thumb they'd be heading into a bank with a mask and a shot gun. The report further stated that apparently some hairy bloke 10 times the size of you, coming and nicking your babies every day is a stressful experience. Jun 4, 2009, 05:11 ADHD Drug Enhances Breast Size – in MEN! The Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder drug Risperdal used to treat ADHD children is causing grave concern in the United States. Risperdal, manufactured by pharma’ giant Numpty Drug, is supposed to be used primarily for adults with severe psychological problems – such as members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, certified nutters and sectioned headbangers. Jun 4, 2009, 03:34 Impossible-to-drink-from Container Somehow Nation's Best-Selling Water Bottle ROCHESTER, NY - Nalge Nunc International Corporation’s Nalgene water bottle, a cylindrical container with an awkwardly rotund body, is the nation’s best-selling water bottle, according to a report released Monday. The horribly designed device, with an opening that wouldn’t comfortably accommodate even the largest human mouth, has somehow topped the US sales charts, outselling its closest competitor by several million units. Jun 4, 2009, 01:38 N. Korea Advocates a Steady Diet of Nothing North Korea has attracted attention recently with its test of a nuclear bomb and also test-firing its array of ballistic missiles. However, the beleaguered population there has paid scant attention to its government’s affronts. They are way too busy trying to gather the 500 calories needed to sustain life each day. Jun 3, 2009, 18:37 Overrated Slut Gives Bad Head WORLDWIDE – Jake Crawford, senior at Tulane University of Louisiana, was disappointed to find that the blowjob he received last night from a highly touted slut was well below average. But Jake is not alone. Hundreds of students at Tulane share the same story. A friend or acquaintance recommends Valerie Kristensen as a top-notch head-giver. By the end of the sex act, if not sooner... Jun 3, 2009, 15:21 Thai Kick Boxing Takes off in Amish Land All is not well with the Old Order Amish in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania (home to Dracula’s US cousins) since 14-year-old Monty Mennonite the Younger came across what has been later referred to by Church Elders as “The work of the Devil” – an old July 2005 copy of Rolling Stone magazine with a centrefold article on Thai kick boxing. Jun 3, 2009, 13:20 Smart Tips for Cougars on a Budget Tips for budget-conscious cougars - The current recession has had a negative impact on people from all walks of life, all around the globe. Although no one is immune to the crisis, few have suffered as much as those single, middle-aged women of the night we affectionately refer to as "Cougars". Though it is unknown how long this downturn will last, the good news... Jun 2, 2009, 12:22 Gold-Digger Breaks All-Time Worst Guinness Record Barbara Thomas Judge, known to all her networking psychotic social set and sycophant arse-lickers as HRH Lady Sludge, was today awarded a top slot in the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records as the global champion holder of over a thousand directorships – including the chairmanship of the UK Atomic Energy Authority - without knowing a single iota about matters nuclear – except she seems to believe the sun shines out of her own arse. Jun 2, 2009, 10:54 Obama Keen on Palestinian State - Israel Less Keen President Obama began perhaps his most difficult diplomatic mission so for by suggesting that Israel stop being a bunch of pricks and let the people of Palestine have their own state. The White House talks have been billed as a discussion over two sharply conflicting approaches to peace in the region, one being that the two nations live in peace side by side, the other being they continue to blow the crap out of each other. Jun 2, 2009, 04:38 Sage Smartass Tips For Saving Gas Hello again. Since gas prices are on most people's minds these days, I have been thinking of ways to save gas while driving to work at the hospital here in New Jersey. For highway driving, try slowing down from 100mhp to 80mph. This will save you a ton of gas and possibly add to your longevity. After all, when was the last time that you felt sorry for those people in a 20 car pile up? Jun 1, 2009, 05:23 North Korea Halts Nuke Tests After NZ Condemnation North Korea has today halted its nuclear weapons tests after condemnation by New Zealand's Prime Minister John Key. The skeleton of the "Great Leader" Kim Jong-il was said to be concerned after a country he'd never heard of, led by a Prime Minister he'd never heard of, condemned North Korea's actions. Jun 1, 2009, 01:48 KFC's New Halal Albatross Still Ain't Kosher Household brand name chew n' spew fast food chain KFC is trialing halal and kosher meats in certain restaurants, but some Muslims and Shylocks say it hasn't been killed in the correct Islamic or Jewish manner. So Pox News religious correspondent Fellatia van der Gobble asks when is halal meat not halal meat and what's what in the kosher brochure? Jun 1, 2009, 00:49 Five Tips to Upgrade Your Resume (The Easy Way) Need to get that dusty old resume ready for the next big job hunt? In today’s tough economy, writing an effective resume is more important than ever. Here are some great insider tips we collected from 10 top-notch resume writers. Add some spice to your crappy job descriptions. Nobody has to know you couldn’t do better than illegal migrant workers. May 31, 2009, 21:23 Holy Land Charity Jailed for School Donations Shitcan Abu Bonker, 85, and Gaspipe Elastic, 97, were among the five members of the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development in Palestine sentenced to decades in prison on Wednesday in good old JFK murder country : Dallas - Texas by presiding Judge Billy Bob Slimeberg. The men and the Holy Land Foundation itself were convicted... May 31, 2009, 15:49 Transvestite Soccer Nuns Hot, Deported The shit-for-brains transvestite British members of a Smegmashire football club, who were arrested while dressed and posing as nuns in Crete, are back in the UK. The men said they were – embarrassment besides - relieved to be home after arriving at Smegmadale Sands International Airport under the cover of darkness. May 31, 2009, 12:34 Buckingham Tour Guide Aids Spying, Yellow Journalism Queen Elizabeth has ordered the suspension of a chauffeur (by the balls) after a troop of rowdy and drunken Texan tourists gained access to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace while she was out shopping for summer sales bargains at a Skidrow Hamlets ‘Quid-Stretcher’ shop. May 30, 2009, 09:55 US Family Flees to Mexico Seeking Jobs, Better Life Phoenix, Az. – Asking, "What’s so great about life here" a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life. In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life. May 30, 2009, 03:30 Pravda Delights Crackpots w/ Moon Hoax "Proof" Russia’s best-selling state propaganda gutter press tabloid news sheet goes into shit-raking mode this morning by stating there’s something very wrong with all the various US space flights to the Moon. The legendary space missions are still shrouded in controversy and Mankind, to this day, has a number of valid reasons to cast doubt on the miracle of inter-planetary flights. May 30, 2009, 01:28 Pub Drunkards Encouraged to Form Orderly Line A troop of monkeys working around the clock at the prestigious Smegmadale Institute of Advanced Numptynomics for the UK’s moronic Oldham Council have come up with their most stupid idea since the last stupid idea. Inspired by the latest EU guidelines on sheeple control and how to make the common or garden landless peasants sit up and beg – and say ‘Woof’... May 29, 2009, 16:18 FARC Rebellion Throws 45th Birthday Gala FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia insurgents, are celebrating their 45th anniversary, making them the oldest insurgent force in the world - and, despite recent setbacks, still one of the strongest. Members of FARC are motivated neither by religion or ethnicity. They are a throwback to the 1960’s, when Cuban-inspired communist insurgent groups... May 29, 2009, 05:51 Kid Witness to Cake Theft Crawls Forward w/ Testimony Last week an incident took place in our home that alarmed everyone and not just because it hit so close to home that it was in our own kitchen, right on our own countertop, but it was really bad because it was thievery, and it happened, and somebody did it, and we couldn't figure out who. Finally, a witness has stepped forward in the case that may blow the whole thing wide open. May 29, 2009, 02:59 Psycho Krauts Given 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card The Germany government has discontinued an investigation into the circumstance surrounding a soldier who killed an Afghan woman and two children last year, citing the innovative and novel excuse of ‘Murder by Fright’ as just cause for slaughtering innocent civilians. The unnamed staff sergeant (Heinz Dorkfelder) from the... May 28, 2009, 08:36 Glenn Beck: "Arm Students On Campus" CNN TV show host Glenn Beck today detailed on his program his ideas for arming college students on the nations’ college campuses. Mr. Beck offered his plan in the wake of the recent shooting deaths at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Illinois. Fed up with colleges being "Gun Free" zones, Mr. Beck proposed the distribution of guns to college students through vending machines that could be located next to the soda pop and snack machines on campus. May 28, 2009, 01:56 12yo Boy "Not Father" According Reason, Fact Alfie McScrunt, the boy who was reported to have fathered a child when he was 12 years old, is not the baby's father, DNA tests have shown. Alfie, now 13, of Smegmadale’s Sink or Swim Housing Estate, told the ‘underage sex’ columnist from the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that he was ‘dead chuffed’ (Chav-speak for ‘proud’) he’d got his 15-year-old girlfriend ‘up the tub’ (further Chav-speak for 'preggers’). May 28, 2009, 00:29 Irish Church 'Sorry' for Kiddy Fiddling Priests The nine-year long inquiry originally set up to investigate a sixteen centuries-long period of child abuse at Catholic institutions across Ireland has found that church leaders – from the past prelates of Ireland itself up to the Vatican and Holy See - were fully aware that homosexual abuse was "endemic" in boys' institutions – with some senior Catholic officials even arranging... May 27, 2009, 08:42 ShamWow Guy Gets Tongue Chopped Vince Shlomi, better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, was recently arrested in Miami Beach. You will remember him as the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Apparently the crime story of the century has just been leaked out about Shlomi being arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. May 27, 2009, 06:30 Nuke Hypocrites Slam N. Korean Bomb Test The incumbent US Kenyan-Hawaiian hybrid President Barack Obama today made the wholly useless and sycophantic political gesture of assuring Japan and South Korea of US defense support following North Korea's nuclear test – as if to imply the Nor-Kor’s are intending to nuke Seoul and Tokyo tomorrow. May 27, 2009, 04:09 Wind Farms Cause Goat Insomnia Epidemic The chief veterinarian officer for Taiwan’s offshore islands’ Department of Agriculture, Foods, Fisheries & Goats, Dr. Pak Lunch, is investigating reports that a large number of the domesticated species of Capra may have died of exhaustion attributed to the aggravating 24/7 racket from a wind farm adjacent to their grazing lands. May 26, 2009, 17:09 Limbaugh and Hannity Form Central Conservative Cigar Party–CCCP Wayb'lowdabelt, VA —BobZaguy In an exclusive interview with this reporter, both Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity agreed to answer my questions about the dysfunctional Republican party and what became a kick-ass defeat for the McCain/Palin campaign on November 4. Limbaugh and Hannity say they have officially resigned from the GOP ranks and will convene their new political party, the CCCP or Central Conservative Cigar Party. May 26, 2009, 12:42 Kiddie Bankrupts Parents in E-Bay Auction Three-year-old New Zealand girl Pipi McScrunt is pretty smart on a computer: too smart for her parents, who woke up on Tuesday morning to find she had bought a full-size excavating digger on an auction website for NZ$ 20,000. While Mum and Dad were partaking in a Sunday ‘afternoon delight’ session behind a locked bedroom door at their home... May 26, 2009, 10:25 Hot Girl's Disappointing Facebook Profile Doesn't Show Any Skin LARAMIE, WY - A group of University of Wyoming juniors expressed catastrophic disappointment Wednesday when super-hot female student Jennifer Lavagnino, 20, created a Facebook profile with several hundred photographs, none of which contained any semblance of the incredibly sexy chemistry major’s exposed skin. May 25, 2009, 19:57 Weekly Skewed News Roundup A sound slap on the wrist this week for the Greedy Grocer – ‘and’ the Grotty Grocer supermarket chains from the UK’s Foods Regulatory Board concerning the amount of water they’re injecting into fresh meat products to bulk the item’s weight – and too their own disgusting profits. This reprimand came following a legion of complaints from both housewives and... May 25, 2009, 07:45 Glad Facebook Reconnected Us, Stranger Wow, Marty…it is Marty, right? I see you have added me as a friend on Facebook. I guess this site really does reunite people! Even distant, barely-casual acquaintances who couldn’t pick each other out of a line-up if their life depended on it… I was just wondering, out of curiosity, could you refresh my memory and tell me exactly where we met or how we know each other? May 24, 2009, 07:54 Dog Phones 999 (911) – Has Owner Arrested South London’s Homicide Squad went on full alert after receiving a 999 call suggesting a potential murder was in progress - but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story. An emergency call operator at Scotland Yard heard muffled voices and a man shouting: "Come out or else, I'm warning yer - I’ll rip your effin’ bollocks off yer thievin’ git." May 24, 2009, 04:10 FBI Foil Their Own Imaginary Bomb Plot Four males have been arrested over alleged plots to attack targets in New York, according to the Fox News ‘Propaganda’ channel. The men were planning to blow up a chain of Jewish-owned kosher Dimona Deli’s around the Scumdale area of the Bronx, District Attorney Seymour Scroungeberg told a reporter from the Perjurers Weekly Review. May 24, 2009, 01:07 Photo Waiver-Averse Parents Have Blurry Children We've gone a long way, but apparently we haven't come a very long way, and these days, it would seem, the way that we've come has only gone as far as our own ability to attend a more-or-less public birthday party. It's fun, at least as far as it comes to us going to the parties, but I'm really starting to worry about my friends and the blurry/clear status of their faces. May 23, 2009, 05:53 Fossil Lemur Looks Like Dubya The pristine fossil remains of a 47-million-year-old lemur-like creature have been unveiled in the US. Its preservation is so intact it is possible to see the outline of its fur and even traces of its last meal – what appears to resemble a partly-digested McScrunt’s Chew n Spew Spam fritter. The fossil, nicknamed Titsy, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's... May 23, 2009, 03:25 Council Recruiting Snoop N' Snitch Child Army Children as young as three years old are being recruited by the UK’s fascist council commissars to act as Citizen Snoopers, the Daily Shitraker’s banner headline revealed today. The 'environment support' groups, press-ganged from kindergartens, jobcentres and Asbo registers will report on noisy neighbours, DIY enthusiasts... May 23, 2009, 01:34 Bliar Receives Mega-Bucks Israeli Prize Ex-British PM Tony Bliar last night received the $1 million ‘Desperate Dan Dirty Tricks’ prize for towing the Zionist warmongers’ line at a ceremony at Tel Aviv’s Rothshite Institute for Bent Politicians, a prize awarded for "achievements having an outstanding cultural and social impact on our world." (read Afghanistan and Iraq) May 22, 2009, 22:32 Horrible Band Refuses To Sell Out SAN FRANCISCO - At a poorly attended CD release party at a local dive bar, Ted Lunder, frontman for indie group Sour Mailbox, proudly reaffirmed the band's conviction never to sign a contract with a nationally recognized music label, none of which have ever approached them. By the end of the night, as many as three CDs were given to friends. May 22, 2009, 14:06 Obama Suggests Israel "Kiss His Black Ass" US President Barack Obama is to deliver a blunt warning spelled out in plain old Kenyan English on his new teleprompter to Israel's psychopath prime minister, Binman Nuttyahoo that the era of the blank US cheque is over. The Kenyan Kahuna will use a meeting with Mr Nuttyahoo in Washington today to drop the hint that from now on Israel must earn its privileged relationship with America by kissing some Christian ass... May 22, 2009, 10:34 Snail Longevity Surpasses Humans Natural selection is favouring snails with reduced metabolic rates, researchers at London’s prestigious Rothshite Institute for Wasting Taxpayers Money have discovered. It is the first time that Darwinian evolution has been observed to select for this trait in individuals of any species. Snails with lower metabolisms are at an advantage because they have more energy to spend... May 21, 2009, 08:13 Wall Street Wails Music to Our Tears Having shoveled heaping mounds of money down the gullets of financial services companies, Congress is vexed at the continued credit bottleneck. It seems taxpayers dutifully pay taxes, which are funneled to bankers, who then refuse to loan them back their own money. Now some radical thinkers have postulated that the problem lies with the artificially-maintained low interest rates. There is simply no incentive to loan cash to anyone. May 21, 2009, 02:32 Underworked Bobbies Get Litter Duty The UK’s police force of under-worked Plods have been ordered to go on litter patrol in a bid to boost the number of people nicked for minor offences - such as screwing up parking fine tickets pasted on their car windscreens and lobbing them in the gutter, or dropping ciggy butts, or spitting out redundant gum. Officers will be forced to ditch their uniforms and go out... May 21, 2009, 00:37 Man Tells Boss To "Bite me", Fired New York, Ever wanted to tell your boss to “Bite me”? Well, ask Sam Adams, a recently unemployed new car salesman. Last week Mr. Adams told the sales manger at the car dealership where he worked until recently, to “Bite me where the sun don’t shine”. The result, he was fired. But Mr. Adams says that he has no regrets. May 20, 2009, 20:28 The Paradox of Human Empathy... To Kill a Mockingbird? This afternoon I signed an online petition, which has doubtless ensured my name secures a place at the top of some asinine Homeland Security senior citizen subversive / potential domestic terrorist watch list. Yes, a budding threat to world peace and the survival of Western civilization I have now become – by signing a petition to preserve a colony of countryside rooks. May 20, 2009, 03:52 Bird Brains Stun Science World, Celeb Divas Still Idiots “In the past, people thought birds were stupid," laments the aptly named Ornithologist Prof. Christopher Canary, “But in fact, some of our feathered friends are far cleverer than we might think – and definitely smarter than your average dolphin – or Chav or Asbo yobette.” May 20, 2009, 00:50 British MPs Master Faux-Outrage Grandstanding Nick Clogg has become the first party leader to call for the House of Conmans’ Speaker to get the proverbial boot in the midst of the humiliating expenses crisis gripping Parliament. The Lib Dem’s ‘Son of Ming the Merciless’ leader said Gorbals Mick should do the "decent Biblical thing" - and go out and hang himself -as he was not the "right man" to lead much-needed reform of Parliament. May 19, 2009, 15:22 Is that a Hummer in Your Pocket or is Your Green Thumb Showing? Every night the evening news is force feeding frugality to the American people. Consignment shops, thrift stores and yard sales are the new shopping destinations of the middle class. Saturday morning shopping sprees in upper end stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart and Big Lots are becoming a thing of the past. Unless, of course; you have coupons. May 19, 2009, 03:29 UK Leader's Castle & Moat Expenses Uncovered Conservative MPs, currently getting pilloried by a vicious tabloid gutter press this week, have reluctantly agreed to pay back their House of Conmans ‘second home’ expenses for swimming pool maintenance and other ridiculous claims after details were revealed in the Daily Shitraker and the Dodgy Expenses Gazette. May 19, 2009, 01:18 Massive Obama Fundraising Causing Economic Recession In a discovery that shocked Wall Street and Washington alike, top economic analysts have determined that then Senator Barack Obama's massive fundraising efforts were in fact the very cause of the economic recession that shattered the public's trust in Republican government, and ultimately got him elected. This finding was underscored by President Obama's signing... May 18, 2009, 16:14 Vet Shocked Dog Eats Magnets, Owners Shocked at Bill A six-month old pup underwent emergency surgery after eating an entire alphabet of fridge magnets. Wuffie had just returned home from a ‘no-nuts’ operation on Thursday evening and was left in his basket in the kitchen to sleep off the anaesthetic, and ate the magnets overnight. The Albanian Pikey Rathound was taken to an RSPCA' charity hospital in Smegmadale by his owner the next morning - with several steel kitchen utensils hanging from his underside. May 18, 2009, 05:58 Queen's New Made-Up Honor as Axed as the People It "Honored" An honour established by the Queen has been declared unlawful after Muslims, Hindus and other heathens and pagan worshippers complained that its Christian name and cross insignia were offensive to their fragile cultural sensibilities. The Trinity Cross of the Order of Trinity was established by the Queen forty years ago to recognise distinguished service and gallantry in the former slave colony of Trinidad and Tobago. May 18, 2009, 01:58 2009 Forbes Richest and Poorest Lists Forbes, the zillionaire magazine rich and shameless statistics tracker, has today published its 2009 listing of the world’s richest – and poorest – people. Topping the list this year is Miss Muffett, the Curds & Whey Industries tycoon spinster, with an estimated $55 zillion fortune following the acquisition of the Tuffets Fine Furniture conglomerate and stamping out competition - and a hostile take-over bid by the Spider Corporation in March. May 17, 2009, 04:03 Neoprene® Beer Cozy Promises Colder Beer LOS FELICES, NM – Frequent beer consumer Tad Danyluk, 44, acquired a promising new leisure asset Sunday: a synthetic rubber sleeve to keep his beer cold. Longer. Community members gathered around the Danyluk garage around 1:00 PM to witness the unveiling of the new device, which proponents say will significantly increase the amount of time Danyluk can wield a beer without fear of environmental heat damaging its flavor. May 17, 2009, 02:42 Abu Dhabi: Chic New Middle East Torture Capital A human rights and wrongs group is calling on Abu Dhabi to take urgent action against the head of state's brother after video footage of him torturing a landless peasant appeared on YouTube. The UK-based human rights group CuntWatch called for a full investigation into Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nastygit over the footage and his disgusting treatment of a common... May 17, 2009, 00:46 Brits Need Proof of Age to Buy Spoons A Muslim shopper was left baffled after she went to her local Grotty Grocer branch of Asda to stock up on picnic equipment and was asked for proof of age and identity to buy a pack of six teaspoons. Shop assistant Candida Twatrot, a part-time BNP Community Support Officer, reportedly informed the customer that someone had once been murdered with a teaspoon... May 16, 2009, 16:58 UK Immigration Exclusion List Published The names of some of the people barred from entering the UK for fostering extremism or hatred towards every fucker and their dog have been published for the first time by the Ministry for Paranoid Xenophobia. Out of 22 million who were placed on the exclusion list up to the end of March, four score and ten have at last been named by the Home Office. May 16, 2009, 13:57 Zombie Attack Imminent, Warns Canadian Woman, Do You Have A Plan? "In light of recent disturbing events like the global recession, the outbreak of H1N1, the ban on Canadian seal products, I fear a zombie attack is imminent," explains Rosie Magellan of British Columbia, Canada. "So I’ve developed a Zombie Emergency Response Plan, or ZERP as I like to call it, for my community." May 16, 2009, 10:41 Archaeologists Prove Hobbits UK's First Soccer Houligans Anthropologists, working alongside genetic scientists, have discovered further evidence that the Channel Island of Brecqhou’s ‘Hobbit’ skeletons are the progenitors of an evolutionary retarded species of human – the modern day ‘Chavs’. The one metre tall, 30kg brain-dead sub-human ‘Hobbits’ roamed the English Channel Island of Brecqhou perhaps up to 8,000 years ago. May 15, 2009, 07:35 Travelocity Books Record Longest Indirect Flight Over the course of the past day I've enjoyed many firsts. My first trip to the airport, first nightmare through security screening, and even my first flight on an airplane. Thanks to Travelocity, I not only saved a bundle, but also got to experience my second flight and my third flight as well. Who knew saving money could be so sucky? May 15, 2009, 03:47 Jacqui Smith Vows to Collect DNA from Every Strapping Criminal The DNA profiles of innocent people released without charge or found not guilty by a court of committing any crime could be stored for up to 12 years on the same UK national Gestapo database where records are kept right now. The proposal, announced by Jacqui Smith, the expense-fiddling ‘Second Home’ Secretary, is in response to a ruling... May 15, 2009, 01:03 Swiss Man Shot Dead by Police "Maybe a Terrorist" A suspected terrorist dressed in Lincoln Green and armed with a crossbow has been shot dead by police in a siege at a house near Nottingham. The man, a certain Mr. William Tell, reported to be an unemployed Swiss migrant worker, was observed acting strangely in his back garden – placing apples on a child’s head then shooting them off with crossbow bolts. May 14, 2009, 11:01 How to Prevent the Swine Flu Bug Super Bowl Fever is gone, March Madness is over but April swine flu fever is now spreading throughout the world. This dreadful disease has to be stopped dead in its tracks by at least calling it something else. At a news briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack took pains to repeatedly refer to the flu as the "H1N1 virus." May 14, 2009, 03:13 Suspected Terror Target Reopens After "Mere Killing Spree" Determined A Smegmadale-on-Sea hotel has reopened after guests were evacuated due a suspected "chemical weapons / terrorist activity incident" following the discovery of the bodies of two women yesterday. The women, who police officers from the Forensic Guesswork division originally suspected committed suicide... May 14, 2009, 01:02 US Sacks General for Attack of Moral Conscience The US Defense secretary has forced out the country's commander in Afghanistan, claiming the war there needs "new thinking" after CO General David McKiernan, in a momentary attack of Christian moral conscience, opposed further bombing of civilian targets there as well as in Pakistan and was quoted by the International Herald Shizzletracker as stating “This is morally wrong... May 13, 2009, 06:25 Job Seekers Searching Beyond Uranus Successful business entrepreneur thinks universally, acts locally. North Carolina's soaring unemployment rate may get a little help later this year from little green men, pod people or whatever else may be up there. "The truth is out there" says Jimmy Fred Hudson, founder and CEO of the Upper Cleveland County Alien Space Search Center. May 13, 2009, 04:33 Merchants Guilty of "Fun Bags Over Function" Price Squeezing UK High Street ‘Snob Shop’ Marks and Sparks has agreed to end its policy of charging more for larger bras after a campaign by female customers with mega-mammaries. The store took out an advert in this morning’s edition of the Daily Shitraker newspaper admitting it had "boobed" and promised to standardise prices across the entire range of cup sizes. May 13, 2009, 01:39 Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman's record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since ‘coming out’ and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 – several years older than George Foreman was for his heavyweight belt. May 12, 2009, 16:20 Beijing Tax Authority Demands Peasants "Light Up" Chinese state employees have this week been ordered to do their patriotic duty to support the local economy - by lighting up a cigarette - and no ifs or ‘butts’. In Wankin province the order has come down from above that employees of all local government departments, organisations, service centers and corporations must consume at least 23,000 cartons of cigarettes this year. May 12, 2009, 02:47 McCain Reveals Revolutionary "Same-Old" Strategy Senator John McCain learned a number of important lessons from his failed run at the presidency last November. He learned that no amount of Palin Populism is enough to offset any amount of Palin Insanity, he learned that experience is no match for having the nation behind you, and he learned that the internet is actually a thing that people use. May 12, 2009, 00:45 Afghan Air Strike Victims Sing “God Bless America” Shouting "Death to America" and "Death to the government of running dog US puppet Hamid Karzai", thousands of Afghan villagers hurled stones and cobs of festering goat shit at police yesterday as they vented their fury at American air strikes that local officials claim killed over 150 civilians. May 11, 2009, 17:54 Middle East Caught Harboring WWII-Era Nazi Pope Benny, the all-new German Mark XVI model, has left Rome for a visit to the Middle East - the first tour of the holy places of Christendom by a Pope since Christianity lost Jerusalem to the great unwashed Islamic hordes of Saladin during the Crusades of the Middle Ages. Benny, labeled by critics as a ‘former Nazi’ and a ‘religious extremist’, begins his week-long... May 11, 2009, 14:02 Somalia Pig-Dogs Stricken with Pirate Flu Fragmented World Health Organisation reports coming out of Somalia assess a swine flu outbreak of pandemic proportions is ravaging the entire country. While the centre – and origin - of the outbreak is reportedly the infamous Somali pirate port of Eyl, the flu has now spread at a geometric rate both north into the Bari peninsula and south down the Skidrow coast to infect a... May 11, 2009, 09:39 Numpty-Dumpty Skewed News Round-Up Beijing cracks down on religious groups, viewed as dissidents by the country’s geriatric atheist rulers, yet again. China’s ‘Thought Police’ last night arrested all six members of the immensely fashionable Falun and the Gongs pop group, who are adherents of the Qui Gong mystical religious cult banned by the ruling Politburo. May 10, 2009, 05:19 Let’s Take This Relationship to the Next Level Jan, these past few months have been incredible. You are an amazing woman, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have someone like you in my life. I know that in the beginning I said we should move slowly, but I am ready to throw all caution to the wind and take the next logical step... I want to Skype with you. May 10, 2009, 03:36 Unemployed Brit Lands World’s Best Job A British man has been appointed the new caretaker of an Australian tropical island paradise, a three year contract position described as "the best job in the world". Ben Fuctifino, 34, an unemployed skateboard mechanic from Smegmadale-on-Sea, emerged from a field of over 34,000 applicants. May 10, 2009, 01:21 Plods Give Barefoot Teen Drunk the Cold Shoulder Two police officers have defended their decision to let a 14-year-old drunken teenager walk home barefoot shortly before he died of hypothermia on a freezing winter's night. PC’s Numpty and Dumpty were called to the A666 roundabout on the Smegmadale border in January after receiving reports of a mud-covered half-naked male in the road trying to flag down traffic with his underpants. May 9, 2009, 19:04 Rich Ruskies on Slippery Slopes With her fire engine-red lipstick, new golden-hued, sequinned ski suit and Chanel sunglasses, Titiana Legover looks ready to take on "glamorous Courchevel". "Nowadays they tend to spend half of what they were spending before - only 50,000 euros," adds Kostas nonchalantly, pausing to chew on a roast swan drumstick. May 9, 2009, 15:15 Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world – and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall. A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February this year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran. May 9, 2009, 05:42 Player Pianos Please Crowds, Bore Kids I'm not sure what sort of impression we're trying to leave you guys with about Nevada City, but in my mind it was a lot of fun, even if a bit out of the way. Though there were some real tourist leeches in town, it's a city hit hard by the exploding (combusting?) gas prices over the summer, and it really is a town well worth your visit, that is, if you can handle the haunted piano hall. May 8, 2009, 17:49 U2 Headlines Live8; "Oh Crap!" Says African Poverty LONDON - 2005 has not been a good year for African poverty so far, said analysts on the looming threat of a powerful Live 8 concert. The anticipation of a U2 performance has only made matters worse for African poverty, a longtime global phenomenon and political issue. Spokespeople for African poverty expressed concern over Bono’s ability to rock the continental affliction out of existence forever. May 8, 2009, 08:36 UK Budget Reveals Economic Wet-Nightmare The UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is due to issue a Budget statement from his Number 11 Downing Street bunker revealing that the severity of the economic downturn and ensuing recession is likely to be as severe as the one caused by the last Ice Age. May 8, 2009, 00:36 New Mensa Member Still in Diapers A two-year-old girl who can name 35 of the US’ Bush administration’s war criminals and identify a dozen flavours of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles has become the youngest member to join the high IQ society Mensa. Pedantica van der Pratt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, has an IQ of 156 and can recite the Labour Party manifesto, count to 15 in Serbo-Croat and name twenty-five types of credit card. May 7, 2009, 03:01 Botox Betty Steps Closer to Wacko Jacko Appearance Walking through Smegmadale town centre with Botox Betty and Feral Beryl McScrunt, you immediately notice the number of people staring at them as they walk past, commenting on their moronic Thunderbirds’ Lady Penelope facade. In their white (size six), matching shell suits, peroxide blonde hair and rather heavy ‘Scrubbers’ brand make-up, they appear to fit in perfectly... May 7, 2009, 00:44 Parliamentary Matron Loots Fed Coffer American-Style A New Labour Muslim peer, who lives in the predominantly Shylock populated East End of London, has claimed in excess of £100,000 in parliamentary expenses on a derelict flat in Kent that neighbours say has been unoccupied since the Dawn of Time. Baroness Uddin, a Bangladeshi immigrant who worked closely with the money-grasping Bliars when they... May 6, 2009, 10:45 Aussie Transport Minister Drives Like Elderly Asian Woman In the Australian federal states of New South Wales and Victoria, Transport Minister Kostas Fuctifino has resigned after consistently breaking traffic rules. His abysmal driving record listed no less than 300 traffic offences - including speeding, running red lights, using a mobile for phone sex chats - and masturbating at the wheel, driving under the influence, one instance of hit and run – and unpaid fines totaling several hundred thousand Australian dollars. May 6, 2009, 06:42 3rd Rate Hatton Floored by 3rd World Thumping The UK’s skinny white hope Ricky Hatton suffered a devastating second-round defeat in his IBO light-welterweight world title bout against Filipino Manny ‘The Maneater’ Pacquiao in Las Vegas last night. Hatton, 30, was knocked down by a flashing head butt in the first round then floored again by a knee in the bollocks shortly before the bell. May 6, 2009, 01:06 Charles and Dragonilla Meet Pope Benny The Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornbeef met briefly with Pope Benny Mk16 at the Vatican this afternoon. The Pope, wearing a surgical mask and his trail bike goggles, refused to shake hands with the couple due the Mexican pig flu epidemic spreading to Europe. May 5, 2009, 13:19 How To Tell if Your Man is Getting Cold Feet Is your boyfriend sending mixed signals and you aren’t sure how to interpret them? Dr. Melanie Whitter, Relationship Expert and Author of “Reading Between The Lines”, reveals 10 warning signs indicating your guy may be having second thoughts. - 1. He introduces you to his friends as “The Provisional Rebound”. (READ MORE) May 5, 2009, 09:30 Al Gore's "Cap'n Trade" Cash Cow Scam Global Warming: At last week’s cap-and-trade carbon exchange hearings it was revealed that, as usual, only the poverty-stricken landless peasant class will suffer from this growth-killing energy tax. One congresswoman on the hearings panel had the blatant audacity to ask why sea levels weren't on the rise as per global warming hoax predictions but Al Bore's bank account was rising at a geometric rate. May 5, 2009, 03:54 Italian Stallion Berlusconi Gets Matrimonial No-Confidence Vote In an exclusive interview with the Daily Shitraker the wife of Italian Slime Minister Silvio Berlusconi confirmed that she will file for divorce and sue her philandering spouse for what attorneys have postured will be “lots and lots of lovely lira.” Chlamydia Mozarella reportedly said she could no longer abide with a man who "consorted with minors" after her husband attended one of his female chatelaine’s 16th birthday party. May 4, 2009, 08:08 Panic Flu Vaccine Prevents H1N1 The World Health Organisation’s ‘Pandemic Panic’ Department today disclosed the H1N1 influenza virus currently devastating Mexico was originally mis-diagnosed as seasonal Bean Flu. Mexico has now been literally ‘closed down’ for the past two days, with public and government services abandoned, prompting a legion of foreign plague-mongering journalists to comment they’ve actually not noticed any difference from normal. May 4, 2009, 06:53 Greedy Grocer Sales Top £1 Billion per Week The Greedy Grocer supermarket chain has reported underlying annual pre-tax profits of £300.15 billion, an improvement of 1000% on the previous year. Its sales topped £1 billion a week for the first time with group sales coming in at £65.4 billion : an amount City of London economic experts and banksters refer to as “lots and lots of fucking money”. May 4, 2009, 01:55 Storm Chasers Flee the Road, Opt for Trailer Parks SHREDDED WHEAT, OK – Frustrated and disappointed after years of chasing radar blips of storms across the Plains states with only rare sightings of their darling tornados, Storm Chaser videographers this year have implemented a change of tactics. Now Storm Chasers rely on something which frankly scares the bejeezus out of them: statistics. May 3, 2009, 08:29 Kooky-Man Alan Keyes Warns Against Obama, Jealousy The Zionist – Israeli controlled Obama government will stage further false flag terror attacks in the same mold as 9/11 to generate an excuse for declaring martial law. This is the ominous prediction of perma-tanned Alan Lee Keyes - a conservative politician, of African descent - just like President Barack Obama - but one whom can actually prove he was born in the United States after the passage of the 13th Amendment. May 3, 2009, 01:54 Obama Set to Name "Piracy Czar" The Obama administration will be naming Johnny Depp as Special Adviser to the President to control piracy on the high seas. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano was expected to announce the appointment on Wednesday, during her visit with Richard Phillips, Captain of the Maersk ship Alabama, upon his return home in Vermont. May 2, 2009, 16:35 Double-Top-Secret "CEO Training Manual for Dummies" Found A custodian cleaning the men’s restroom at Pedro’s Famous Fatty Fried Food and Please Touch Military Explosives Museum at 4:00 a.m. today found a left behind copy of the "S&P 500 CEO Training Manual for Dummies." Discovered on the floor of the far end stall, the large print, spiral-bound picture book was hidden beneath a pile of sticky paged porno magazines, crushed beer cans, and cigar butts. May 2, 2009, 08:22 New UK Classroom Powers to be Invoked Troops on leave in the UK from tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan should be deployed to support teachers dealing with bad behaviour in the classrooms, according to a report by the Asbo Gazette on discipline in schools. The study by the government's bad behaviour mandarin Lord Peter Scandalson says school leaders do not make enough use of powers to deal with problem pupils... May 2, 2009, 01:45 Israel’s Rabid Regime Ready to Open Pandora’s Box The Israeli military is preparing itself to launch a massive aerial assault on Iran's nuclear facilities within hours of being given the go-ahead by its newly-installed madcap Netanyahu-led coalition government. Among the steps taken to ready Israeli forces for what would be a risky raid requiring pinpoint aerial strikes are the acquisition of Snitch and Grasser spy drones... May 1, 2009, 10:49 I Fundamentally Disagree with My Mother "This Daytime talk show appearance will finally give me a chance to show people how unreasonable my mom is (with English subtitles)" You know how like when your mom is such a bitch, you’re like, what the f*ck, and she’s all, I don’t give a f*ck? My bitch mom is taking me on the Maury show so I can finally prove what a skank-ass slut she is to all the people. May 1, 2009, 03:47 Swine Flu: Inappropriate Questions Answered Illuminati NWO agents provocateur around the world are striving to spread a new flu virus suspected of killing more than 300 people in Mexico after being pilfered from the Fort Detrick US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Disease then released in Mexico City to start a global pandemic. May 1, 2009, 00:31 Global Trend of Shoe-Icide Attacks on World Leaders The recent "shoe-icide" attack on George Bush by an Iraqi journalist triggered an outbreak of shoe assaults on an elite roster of national leaders. Shoe-hurling based protests have targetted such high profile figures as Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, the British prime minister’s Downing St residence as well as Israel’s ambassador to Sweden, Benny Dagan just to name a few. Apr 30, 2009, 19:43 Tamiflu Wecomes Global Cull of Non-Customers via Swine Flu Mexican authorities are taking drastic measures to contain a deadly new strain of the potent Piggy Wiggy Swine Flu virus that has killed what statisticians refer to as “a whole lot of fucking people” and woken the world’s landless peasants up to the fact that this time it might well be the real thing: a plague of Biblical proportions to wipe out a few billion... Apr 30, 2009, 14:30 Preschooler Found Abusing Siesta Concession Perplexing Times runs a pretty lax office. We don't ask anyone to wear neckties; never require such formalities as "sir" or "mister"; and we routinely permit siestas even though we try like crazy not to take them. And, even though they're allowed, as of late it seems that even our most loyal employees have been abusing it. Apr 30, 2009, 03:29 UK Society Goes Totally Paranoid The mental health charity ‘Headbangers’ is calling for a nationwide campaign to protect the UK's growing population of paranoid psychotics after a survey suggested people were growing ever more anxious and fretting over where their next meal might be coming from - or if the local Masonic lodge was eyeing up snatching their infant blonde, blue-eyed kids for one of their ritual Satanic sacrifices. Apr 29, 2009, 22:56 Numpty Dumpty Saudis Ban ‘Lewd’ Car Plates Saudi Arabia, demonstrating yet another of its ‘Alice in Wonderland’ firsts, has banned vehicle number plates which are seen as "offensive" in English when Arabic letters are translated into the Latin alphabet, according to a report in this morning’s Camel Bonkers Review. The Saudi national newspaper said the banned words included ‘TITS’ and ‘ASS’, but the list was topped by the letters ‘USA’. Apr 29, 2009, 08:38 Man Arrested For Having Pot Pig The Daily Shitraker is investigating reports that a team of armed police officers kicked in the front door of a British pensioner’s house at 05:00 in the morning, tasered him as he tried to get out of bed, then hauled him off – handcuffed and with a black bag over his head – in the back of an unmarked van. Apr 29, 2009, 03:20 Brits Believe in Heaven... and Hell The majority of Britons believe in Heaven and a life after their mortgage is paid, according to a yet another pointless survey jointly undertaken by New Labour’s Ministry of Superstitions and the government-funded Tavistock Institute for Wasting Taxpayers Money. The survey of 25 million unemployed landless peasants showed 55% believe they’ll receive Jobseeker’s Allowance or DSS welfare benefits until... Apr 28, 2009, 09:55 O Porno Mio: Sophia Loren's Alleged Career According to a German site, the ever-gorgeous Italian superstar Sophia Loren dabbled in the pornographic arts before she met her hero husband Carlo Ponti. I don't read German, but through the translating semi miracle that is AltavistaTranslation - I was able to turn this: (READ MORE) Apr 28, 2009, 05:34 Soldier’s ‘Lucky Bullet’ Escape A soldier has been described as "the luckiest twat in the British Army" after a bullet fired by a Taliban Dan Brigade sniper impacted his helmet and went in one ear and out the other, missing his brain by millimeters. Private Norman “Numpty” Dumpty, 16, a Territorial Army ‘Asbo Regiment’ soldier from Smegmadale, was knocked over by the impact of the shot in Afghanistan. Apr 28, 2009, 02:33 The Dark Side of the Dirty Dubai Dream It’s a place in the sun for over a million people with any money who holiday there every time the wind blows cold or it pisses down with rain in the inclement Northern climes. It boasts a host of luxury apartments and villas, attracting rich and shameless jet-setting celebrity scumbags from all over the globe. Apr 27, 2009, 22:39 NBC to Produce Reality Show About Reality Show Viewers Los Angeles, CA- Sources have confirmed that Paul Wiley, second cousin to “Survivor” producer Mark Burnett, is in talks with NBC to create a new reality show centered around people who watch reality shows. “At first I thought the idea was a bit over the top”, Wiley said in a news conference Friday. Apr 27, 2009, 04:42 Wrigley Pig Chewing Gum Factory Closes Three thousand staff at a UK chewing gum factory are to be laid off due to fresh bonkers Big Brother legislation from the EU fascist dictators in Brussels. Staff at the Wrigley Pig gum factory in the Bendover area of Smegmadale will be made redundant after the Easter break following a slump in chewing gum sales due the imposition of tough new EU legislation banning the sale of gum throughout the European community because of it being spit out and fouling pavements... Apr 27, 2009, 01:43 Case of Blake “The Pot” Calling Amy “The Kettle” Black They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'. Amy Winehouse must have said yes, yes, yes when her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil checked himself into rehab. Apparently Blake was out sowing his wild oats while Amy was home with Ray. It was revealed that this might have all been just a set up by Amy to undermine Blake’s effort to extract millions from her. Apr 26, 2009, 20:50 Council's Snooping Powers to be Axed Councils in England and Wales should not use surveillance powers for minor offenses such as targeting gatherings of local anti-Christ Asbo hoodies congregating on street corners and mugging passers-by, the Second Home Secretary informed a reporter from the Expense/Kiddy Fiddler’s Gazette. Apr 26, 2009, 17:43 Obama's Brother on UK Sex Offenders Watch List The UK’s number one scandal dredging newspaper has this week unearthed a buried immigration report that US President Barky O’Barmy's half-brother was denied a visa to enter Britain following accusations he attempted to sexually assault a group of young British ‘white’ girls. The Daily Shitraker newspaper reports that Samson O’Barmy, a real Kenyan national who doesn’t claim to have been born in Hawaii, tried to enter Britain... Apr 26, 2009, 10:29 Lord Adonis Meets Thomas the Tank Engine Commuters frustrated to the point of committing ritual suicide on a daily basis over the incessant delays and cancellations of the UK’s Rattle Track train service got hands-on direct access to Transport Minister Lord Adonis when he embarked upon a Norse saga rail voyage across Britain this week. Traveling incognito to avoid being spit on and verbally abused by multitudes of passengers – or physically assaulted – Adonis told... Apr 25, 2009, 08:27 College Sophomore Constantly Visiting Old Dorm DURANGO, CO - Fort Lewis College freshman Sarah Dodge filed a complaint yesterday, alleging that Sophomore Christine Milton made repeated attempts to reminisce in her dorm room over the past week. According to campus officials, Milton occupied the dorm room last year. “Sophomore reminiscing, or ‘quailing,’ has been a growing issue on campuses since the first case was formally reported in 1947,”... Apr 25, 2009, 06:22 Royal Families of Europe all Inbred Mutants A new study by the Institute of Mutantology just leaked to the Daily Shitraker reveals that chronic inbreeding caused the demise of the royal Spanish Hapsburg dynasty, reducing the potency of their DNA to the constituency of minestrone soup. The Hapsburgs, one of Europe's most powerful royal dynasties, was so obsessed with securing its blue-blooded inheritance through family marriages that it brought about its own extinction... Apr 25, 2009, 01:24 Romeo’s Roto-Reamer to Offer Colonoscopies In-Home JACKSON HOLE, WY –Romeo’s Roto-Reamer (RRR), a leading U.S.. plumbing specialist company, today announces that it will immediately begin offering in-home colonoscopies as well as its traditional house sewer pipe services. Company spokesperson Digger Butz says, “Colonoscopies are an obvious product line extension for us, since we already possess cutting edge pipe technologies, know-how, and a love of dark, disgusting, smelly places. Apr 24, 2009, 04:17 Russia Demands Halt to NATO Exercises in Georgia Russia is demanding the cancellation of Nato exercises in Georgia saying they are a US-Zionist provocation aimed purposely at what Prime Minister Dumitri Medevac termed “political shit-stirring and games of Western one-upmanship”. Moscow believes that the planned war games in May "can only complicate further the political and military situations in the region which are a total fuck-up to start with". Apr 24, 2009, 01:22 China's Hi-Tech Exam Swindlers Jailed Two hundred-plus parents and teachers who used hi-tech’ space-age equipment to help children cheat in Chinese civil service exams have been sent to Wang-King’s infamous Smiley Face Organ Donor prison. They were given sentences of between ten to twenty-five years after being found guilty of espionage in obtaining state secrets (exam questions). Apr 23, 2009, 07:34 Fat Gits Causing Global Warming This week’s Dogwanker’s Review headline reveals that being overweight is bad for the environment as well as your health, according to the results of a leaked survey financed by the Ministry for Wasting Money. Researchers at the London School for Idiotic Studies found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than skinny people... Apr 23, 2009, 03:05 Brits Know Ten Recipes by Heart The average British common or garden peasant can make ten meals from scratch without having to look at a recipe, according to a recent survey carried out by Channel 69’s ‘Pigswill Platters’ programme. Cheese on toast is the most popular dish in England with 55% of people saying they know the recipe by heart, 20% claiming to have a relative who cooks it on a regular basis... Apr 22, 2009, 20:09 Tapping Aside, Fish Beg Don't "Pounce" on the Glass If you've ever seen an aquarium, you've surely seen the signs, heard the adage or experienced the fish-keepers verbal wrath of "don't tap on the glass." I'm almost three-years old, so I already know better than that, but there's a much better way to get the fishes attention, and that's the equally forbidden, but less-well-known concept of pouncing on the glass. Apr 22, 2009, 11:50 World’s Oldest Woman Celebrates Birthday On the sacred North Atlantic isle of Rockall, the beloved of weather forecast enthusiasts across the globe, Ms. Candida McTwat celebrates her 176th birthday, giving photo journalists a rare treat of the varicose veins lining her centenarian upper thighs as she performs a series of flesh-revealing erotic pole dancing moves around a No Parking sign outside the Cormorant Strangler’s Arms. Apr 22, 2009, 03:16 Britain Faces Food Price Hike Crisis A crisis is unfolding in the UK as the once-pompous middle classes join the ranks of the common or garden landless peasants and millions of unemployed paupers and penniless bankers in the struggle with rising food prices and living in cardboard boxes, the Save Yer Own Arse charity has warned. It comes as new figures from the Greedy Grocer magazine show food prices rose at a similar level to those in Zimbabwe. Apr 21, 2009, 21:08 Somali Pirates Lured to Deaths by Ruse Floating Tiki Bar Wave after wave of heavily armed Somali pirates have been lured to their deaths by offers of free rum at a floating Tiki Bar shown on treasure map leaflets dropped into that country. Using the time honored method of a treasure map to attract Somali pirates, the U.S. Navy has launched a highly successful campaign to wipe out this recent scourge of the high seas. Apr 21, 2009, 18:07 Iran Cracks Down on Internet Porn In the biggest crackdown since the last big crackdown Iran has arrested thousands of men and women on a wide array of charges relating to adult pornography and the Mid- East Facebook favorite of goat bonking via webcam. The recent arrests made by the fundamentalist Islamic Revolutionary Guards also mark another operational change for the complex military organization. Apr 21, 2009, 13:10 Obama Pardons the Hell Out of Bush-era CIA Torturers US President Barky Obama Llama Ding Dong today informed a reporter from the Extreme Rendition Gazette that CIA thugs who used ‘persuasive’ techniques on nasty and evil terrorism suspects during the Bush era will not be prosecuted. Mr. Obama banned the use of interrogation methods such as Auto da Fe and blinding with hot irons during his first week in office but considers scrotum squashing and water boarding to be ‘character-developing rites of passage’. Apr 20, 2009, 18:01 Cool IMAX Tech Wasted on Lame Documentaries MISSISSAUGA, ONTARIO - The IMAX corporation has been wasting its wickedly cool film technology, boasting towering 8-story screens, on lame educational films for 35 years, sources reported Friday. Although no spokesperson from IMAX was available for comment, reporters confirmed that IMAX has indeed spent the past quarter of a century lending its totally bitching 70mm film format to “lame-ass, boring-as-hell informative turds.” Apr 20, 2009, 05:23 Numpty Dumpty News in Brief The New Labour government’s scandal-beleaguered Jacqui ‘Second Home’ Secretary Smith plays the ‘Poor me – I’m only a silly woman’ card excuse today in a pathetic attempt to divert attention from her exposed material excesses and belay pressures on her to do the right thing and resign – (preferably in the fashion of disgraced Japanese politicos – by committing ritual seppuku) over her avaricious parliamentary expense claims. Apr 20, 2009, 02:35 Cornish Pensioner Wins Formula One Race An 87-year-old Cornish woman visiting her daughter in Kent set new speed records when her mobility scooter shot off out of control yesterday after she and husband Morton had enjoyed a light liquid lunch at the local Limping Lobster public house. Gladys, who was visiting family in Swanley, told a reporter from the Geriatrics Extreme Sports Review that she had only downed around twelve pints of draught Guinness... Apr 19, 2009, 12:48 Airlines Admit Child Airfare Cheaper for Liars I may be many things, but one I'm not is a liar. Sure, I may fudge when it comes to curiously missing chocolates or point the finger when it comes to my turn in the blame game, but I don't admit to lying, even when I'm lying down. If not telling the truth is lying, then here's hoping we all can make a tidy fistful of Benjamins every time we do it. Tell you one thing, we sure did this time. Apr 19, 2009, 04:41 Teen Learns Adoptive Parents Actually Birth Parents Seattle, WA-After a search that began nearly two years ago, a teenage girl has found her birth parents, who, in a bizarre twist of events, are the same people who adopted her 17 years earlier. “It’s just so surreal”, Samantha Dickson says about the shocking discovery. “I spent countless hours online investigating leads and searching databases, only to find out the woman who gave birth to me was the same woman who has raised me all these years. Apr 18, 2009, 17:26 Monty Zuma Corruption Charges Dropped Prosecutors in South Africa have announced they are dropping corruption charges against the Flying Circus Party (FCP) leader Monty Zuma. Chief prosecutor Motok Moped Zuma (no relation) said a phone-tap device to eavesdrop on political interference in the investigation had been planted – in a flower pot inside Mr. Zuma’s office. Apr 18, 2009, 06:38 Jewish Judge Heads Israeli War Crimes Investigation A Jewish judge today informed the legal correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he was 'shocked' to be named as head of a Zionist-controlled UN investigation into claims of Israeli war crimes in the Gaza Strip. Reuben ben Gallstone, a South African jurist, will examine allegations that soldiers killed civilians, specifically targeting pregnant women... Apr 17, 2009, 13:22 Happy Days Are Here Again We've all heard about the recession or worse, the dreaded D-word. Jobless claims soar. Tent cities spring up like mushrooms. The government offers more stimulus packages than the Bunny Ranch. Stock markets tank. Retirement funds disappear. Yesterday's stellar home values become today's hovel values. Misery abounds. Until now, that is. Apr 17, 2009, 08:57 Thai Protestors Screw up Asean Leaders’ Summit A summit of Asian leaders, in Thailand to discuss a fair splits agreement regarding divvying up income from the region’s drugs trade and endemic corruption, has been postponed after anti-government protesters broke into the venue at the southern beach resort of Pattaya. The Thai government has declared a state of emergency in Pattaya... Apr 17, 2009, 05:29 Little-Known Hints for Central America Travel The following are some helpful guidelines for solo travelers visiting Central America for the first time. Feel free to print this list and refer to it throughout your visit to this beautiful, yet culturally diverse region. 1. Bring anti-nausea medication with you at all times. Accept the fact you will get violently ill anyway. 2. Don’t assume that your new Nicaraguan boyfriend is serious when... Apr 16, 2009, 03:13 Rhubarbe's Rabid Attack Bitch: HK Charges Nixed Grace Mugabe granted immunity from prosecution for her attack on UK Times reporter in January in Hong Kong. The wife of 125-year-old geriatric Zimbabwean President Robert Rhubarbe has been granted diplomatic immunity over an alleged mad dog attack against a British press photographer in Hong Kong. Apr 15, 2009, 10:48 Crush on Dora of Explorer Fame Finally Reality Like any good American, I watch an inordinate, almost embarrassing amount of television. Personally, I'm partial to cartoons and shows involving adults dressed as oversized animals, typically dancing around while pretending to teach some lesson or other, but what I'm most partial to is that most alluring of child-centric starlets, Dora the Explorer. Apr 15, 2009, 06:31 Downing St. Nuts Deep in E-Mail Smears Scandal A chain of malicious and libelous e-mails smearing top Tories that led to the resignation of yet another senior New Labour party scumbag were published this morning in the Sunday Shitraker. Damian McScrunt, the Prime Minister's No. 10-based podgy political press officer, quit after his ‘hate mail’ messages were picked up and published on a Westminster expose blog. Apr 15, 2009, 03:27 Counter-Terror Chief Quits Due Major Snafu Britain's top counter-terrorism officer has quit after admitting he had caused an operational clusterboink of Biblical proportions. Captain Blob Slow resigned after he accidentally revealed a string of top secret documents concerning an imminent terrorist attack on the UK to a group of Islamic terrorists due mistaking them for friendly Mid-Eastern journalist types. Apr 14, 2009, 23:41 Stodgy Old Taco Bell Franchisee Won't Do Nat'l Promos OGVILLE, WI – Stuffy Taco Bell franchisee Herbert Dalham, 66, consistently refuses to relay new corporate product offerings to Ogville residents, sources reported Friday. Although the fast food giant’s national advertising campaigns reach Ogville through Milwaukee network television affiliates, the community’s 8,000 residents all know that they must drive 50 miles to one of two Jessup’s Landing locations to sample revolutionary taco variations such as “Fresco Style” selections and the “Enchirito” Burrito/Enchilada hybrid. Apr 14, 2009, 12:36 Teleprompter President to End Nuclear Threat The new Kenyan President of the US, Barack Obama, has outlined his vision of a world free of nuclear weapons, and other high cholesterol threats such as dolly mixtures, kimchi, fermented shrimp paste, depleted wasabi and chilli sauce, in a major speech to a troop of Asbo hoodies doing forced community service duty, packing carrier bags, at the UK’s prestigious Greedy Grocer supermarket. Apr 14, 2009, 09:24 Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick Billy Bob Thornton is an Oscar winning writer and Oscar nominated actor, though he's perhaps best known for his position as the one-time daddy figure husband of Angelina Jolie. He's also known by literally hundred of the world's citizens as the powerhouse behind the hillbilly fusion band "The Boxmasters". Following a particularly humiliating interview on CBC's Radio Show "Q"... Apr 13, 2009, 06:37 Man Strongly Opposed To Pyramid Selling Schemes Chicago, Illinois- A local man is speaking out against multi-level marketing (MLM), claiming a pyramid selling scheme he was about to invest in was a hoax. “From now on, I will only buy pyramids from reputable companies”, says Louie Bidwell, an avid collector of ancient Egyptian artifacts who feels he was tricked into attending an MLM seminar earlier this year. Apr 13, 2009, 05:46 Michelle Obama Commits Royal Faux Pas Displaying a total lack of tact or comprehension for diplomatic protocols, when US first lady Michelle O’Barmy was formally introduced to Queen Elizabeth at the Buckingham Palace G20 greeting ceremony this week she ran towards her - screeching out in hysterical fashion “Lizzie baby – come here girl – I wants to gives you one sure fire sisterly huggin’.” Apr 12, 2009, 23:39 Easter Eggriculture Less Hunting-Based than Gathering Despite my frequent monkeying around, I'm not a lesser evolved primate. I know that because I know art, but as much because humans didn't come from apes. It's not just that I'm more bald and less likely to wear a diaper, but because evolution takes more than 6,000 years, but either way, I know I'm more of a gatherer than a hunter, and Easter eggs veritably prove it. Apr 12, 2009, 08:02 Bishop Pushes for St. George's Bank Holiday The Archbishop of Smegmadale, a Ugandan gentleman with a remarkable suntan, has said that making St George's Day a public holiday would give everyone in England a well-deserved stress-relieving break from their mortgage and recession worries and take their minds off the hopeless government we have to suffer under. Dr. Umboka O’Dinga asked an audience of unemployed hoodies in Oxford: "Has the time come to make the Feast of St George... Apr 11, 2009, 08:37 Masked Thief Claims He's the Easter Bunny Last night a man wearing a bunny mask was spotted in an area home attempting to steal candy and chocolate covered cookies claiming he was the Easter Bunny and that he had simply returned to reclaim his forgotten sweets. The perpetrator, whose identity has not been disclosed, was spotted in the living room wearing an exceptionally lifelike mask, already holding the candy in his hands. Apr 11, 2009, 03:16 4-Second Inter-Preview Lull Creates 300 Film Critics COVINA, CA – The brief moment of silence between two movie previews abruptly transformed into an open forum for 300 whispering, amateur film critics, sources reported Monday. The critics, most of who trekked to the Covina Gigaplex 30 to see The Legend of Zorro, spend the solid four seconds of silence announcing in indiscreet whispers whether they planned to see the film Zathura, which had just been advertised. Apr 10, 2009, 21:19 G20 Riot Squad Plods Murder Innocent Passer-By The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) has hinted that police might possibly have said ”Hello” to a man who died at the G20 summit meeting protests on Wednesday, shortly before his death. Earlier in the day City of London police had refused to be drawn on reports of eyewitness statements declaring Ian Tomlinson, 47, had the proverbial shit knocked out of him. Apr 10, 2009, 04:33 Nevada Weighing Merits of Pimp Tax The Nevada state legislature is viewing adding a state tax on prostitution. Let's get the important part out of the way first; they are propositioning to add an additional $5 to retain "legal" prostitute's services. No details on whether that is applied per session or broken down per trick. Having lived in Nevada for almost three years I can say that there is a 'Laissez-Faire' attitude about this particular profession. Apr 9, 2009, 08:47 North Korea Building Space Station North Korea has defied international warnings and gone ahead with a controversial rocket launch to deliver thousands of lengths of bamboo to their orbital Ramen Noodle One space station construction site. The state-run ‘Big Brother Bonkers Broadcasting’ station proudly announced North Korea had succeeded in putting the bamboo payload and two Kimchi-nauts into orbit after yesterday’s 02:30 GMT launch. Apr 9, 2009, 01:36 Take-Over Makes Me Realize How Boring You Are Don’t get me wrong, Sheila. Its not like I have spent the last two years in the cubicle down the hall believing you were some kind of adrenaline junkie or anything. But ever since our Company got taken over by those rich, foreign guys who don’t know what to do with us next, I spend a good portion of my day listening to you discuss the intimate details of your personal life. Apr 8, 2009, 10:42 MP's Expenses Worse than Banker's Bonuses Unemployment minister Tony McNumpty told a reporter from the Shitrakers Weekly Review he did nothing wrong by claiming second-home expenses on a shed in the garden of the London house where his parents live due every other MP and their dog milking the same scheme for all it’s worth as the cloth-eared tax-paying public are too stupid to understand they’re getting ripped-off. Apr 8, 2009, 03:20 All "Funniest Home Videos" the Six Same Jokes BURBANK, CA - Entertainment researchers released a study Wednesday that found that every home video ever submitted to ABC’s America’s Funniest Home Videos since the program’s debut in 1989 has fallen under one of six very narrow plot categories. According to researchers, the spectrum of topics considered “submissionworthy” by AFV’s viewing demographic is shockingly finite, making it very easy for analysts to classify them. Apr 7, 2009, 19:08 Madonna to Adopt Whole of Darkest Africa Pop star Madonna has been urged by the ‘Save the Children’ charity not to take their banner too seriously and reconsider her apparent plans to adopt every orphaned child in Africa. African National Congress officials told reporters that the celebrity super-slapper arrived in Cape Town last week at the start of a drive north to Egypt, criss-crossing the entire continent, adopting children by the thousands as she goes. Apr 7, 2009, 09:40 Anti-Smoking Ad Terrifies Kids UK advertising regulatory body hits out at TV ad aimed at getting parents to quit smoking by illustrating emotional reaction from children viz their habit. A government advert aimed at convincing parents to give up smoking petrified children and broke every rule in the book, the Advertising Standards Authority says. The independent regulator ruled that the "I'm not scared" TV advert, which attracted 56,000 complaints overall, should not be shown before mid-night. Apr 6, 2009, 06:43 Credit Cards Fear Rein of Evil May Be Over After decades of predatory lending practices and hidden compounded fees, major credit card companies are beginning to reexamine their business model based on evil. “What I can’t believe is that congress thinks they can just come in here and tell us how to do business,” says outraged Visa CEO Joseph Saunders. “I mean without low introductory rates that change on a dime to 25 to 35% without reason or warning….I just don’t know how we can profitable." Apr 6, 2009, 01:15 Emus Gone Wild in Whitehouse Garden Outraged by the White House’s newest shovel-ready project to plant a 1,100 square foot organic vegetable and fruit garden on its South Lawn, carnivore activists and pesticide trade groups have joined forces. They have demanded equal access to White House grounds. The carnivores proposed that the Rose Garden be converted to a grazing area for a flock of sheep or possibly emus. Apr 5, 2009, 12:02 Millions of Brits Get Terror Training New Labour training common or garden civilians to be Big Brother 'terrorist' spies. Millions of UK workers are being trained to help respond to future terror attacks as part of an updated counter-terrorist strategy, a government spokesman informed the propaganda media this afternoon. ‘Second Home’ Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith later added that shop and hotel workers would be among 10,000,000 people being trained to... Apr 4, 2009, 06:51 Pope Benny Gets Laid on African Tour The world’s gutter press tabloids and radical anarchist websites are rife with rumours that Pope Benny, the all-new German built Mk XVI papal model, while on a Beg & Bless mission in Cameroon last week, got his wrinkly old celibate ass laid big-time. While the Vatican Gestapo have been quick to stamp on the news reports emanating from Cameroon, and even faster in dispatching rumour-mongering members of Rome’s salivating paparazzi... Apr 4, 2009, 02:40 Study on Penis Size Shows No Hard Evidence PHOENIX, AZ - The National Institute for the Promotion of Penis Length Expertise released a study Friday suggesting that no hard evidence could support the popular legend that penis size is related to shoe size, ethnicity, Hummer ownership, or subwoofer wattage. The study, considered by some participants a stroke of genius, observed a broad range of penises and collected soft data over a 4-month period... Apr 3, 2009, 06:08 Nation to Solve Economic Crisis by Hitting Up Coinstar President Obama and congressional leaders announced today that the nation's economic crisis will be solved by making a single trip to a nearby Coinstar machine. With on-going wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and decades of unprecedented domestic spending, the nation has built up an enormous sum of loose change over the past several years, in treasuries, federal banks and oversized coffee mugs across the nation's capital. Apr 1, 2009, 04:37 McCain Earmarks $50 million for Bigfoot Research In a shocking move on Tuesday, long time sufferer of osteoporosis and, incidentally, veteran tongue-flapper of the United States Senate, John McCain, earmarked fifty million dollars for state Big-Foot research in Arizona. This decision came immediately on the heels of a recent seven-day trip McCain took into the heart of the Casa Grande ruins, a bleak and disturbing sprawl of dust and nothingness just outside the thriving city of Coolidge. Mar 31, 2009, 11:08 Sino Leather Preservative May Cause Leprosy A judge is expected to order several UK retailers to pay millions of pounds to people who developed leprosy and suffered radiation poisoning rashes and galloping skin rot from faulty leather sofas and fetish sex BD/SM outfits. The Leprosy Gazette now has evidence that Argrot, Wormsleys and Lesion Land accept liability for the septic scabs outbreak - subject to it being proved that afflictions were caused by the sofas. Mar 30, 2009, 03:23 Tracy Morgan Reveals Youth Secret: Blackness Tracy Morgan, long a castmember on Saturday Night Live, has spent three-years in the weekly limelight as a supporting cast member on 30 Rock. Despite the subtle ravages these few short years have wreaked on Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the guy that plays Frank, Tracy Morgan hasn't aged more than a few minutes since his early days on SNL. His secret, long closely gaurded, is finally revealed: he's black. Mar 29, 2009, 07:11 Word Search Puzzles Delay Alzheimer's Recent studies indicate that patients who regularly complete word searches are 64% less likely to develop early Alzheimer's symptoms or mistake cheddar for family members. Apparently the harder the word search the better, as those who completed puzzles with lots of backward diagonal words fared better still, and also at healthier. Mar 28, 2009, 17:40 Introducing the Cosmic Boink Theory I had just read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but was left unfulfilled, hanging and wondering. Philosophically, I question this explanation of cause and effect, the idea that every action by a living organism in this world begets a reaction somewhere else. I have decided to frame my interpretation of this in grander, yet simpler terms... Mar 27, 2009, 21:01 Glossy News Logo Competition Launched Glossy News is due for a visual update. We've made some pretty significant changes to our look, feel and functionality in the past few months, but we're still planning on a complete overhaul before the year ends. The biggest thing we need right now is a new logo. If you've got the chops to whip us up a new logo, we've got prizes a' plenty for your submissions. Mar 26, 2009, 04:18 India Launches First Moon Rocket India launched its first unmanned mission to the Moon, Chandrayaan-1, this morning in a bid to close the gap with China in what is shaping up as a 21st century Asian version of the Space Race between the United States and the Soviet Union. An Indian-made rocket carrying Chandrayaan, shown in above picture, which means Moon Vehicle in Sanskrit – blasted off at 6.20am local time. Mar 26, 2009, 01:20 Dubious "Intelligience Density" Theory Proposed A Major Fluctuation in the Intelligence Density Biome Has Occurred - In a revealing and colorful PowerPoint presentation to the annual Progressive Deconstructionist Convention, Maxwell Phlegmeir, Ph.D., has released disturbing new statistics charting the progress of “Everybody Gets Left Behind” and other Administration-sponsored programs. Mar 24, 2009, 03:57 Anybody Realize How Much Keanu Made Off the Matrix? If you're a big fan of The Matrix, or The Matrix Reloaded, you likely assume Keanu Reeves earned a hefty Hollywood sum, and you'd be partly right. He did earn a massive pile of money, but it was more like a Kingly sum. Of course, if you're a big fan of The Matrix Revolutions, you're either imaginary or someone who hasn't actually seen the film. Mar 22, 2009, 06:05 Glossy News Is Looking for New Satire Writers If you write satire, or you've just always wanted to, submit your story to Glossy News. Our stories are regularly picked up by HumorFeed as well as Google News, so if you think you've got the chops and you're ready for the exposure, this is your big chance. No more must you limit yourself to critical letters to the editor, now you can put your brain where your mouth is… sexy! Mar 21, 2009, 00:42 Green Group's "Oil Burning Protest" Misses Mark Environmental activist group Save This Only Planet, or STOP, organized a small march on the headquarters of the Exxon Mobil Corporation today, culminating in a protest "oil burning demonstration," which experts estimate released "enough toxic fumes and greenhouse emissions to drive several species extinct." Exxon reps were unable to comment, since the group also failed to perform their protest in the correct state. Mar 19, 2009, 07:31 Max Headroom Grills Jennifer Aniston Tabloid angel Jennifer Aniston used to appear on the hit NBC Friends. Thanks to the magic of fiction, we've been able to secure this exclusive interview as it may have happened, had it happened, and if we hadn't run some pretty shocking fabricated news about her in the past. Mar 17, 2009, 12:56 Joe Scarborough: Wrong on Stewart, Wrong on Cramer In a clip from March 10th, Joe Scarborough stepped up to defend fellow CNBC personality Jim Cramer. Well, not so much defend him as cut down Jon Stewart and the staff of The Daily Show. In a typically Scarborough display of laziness and dishonesty, however, he made a lot of claims that just weren't true. Mar 15, 2009, 06:56 Brown to Go Down on Every Member of Congress In his latest attempt to curry favour with the American political classes, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced his intention to perform oral sex on all U.S. Representatives and Senators before he flies home. Details are as sketchy as the 535 proposed acts, and there's no word yet on whether or not a fluffer will be on-hand to "warm up the crowd". Mar 12, 2009, 15:24 Spears' Hairless Kitty Shocked Over Working Microphone Britney Spears made a recent appearance on stage in Tampa, Florida. Apparently, so too did her jammy, temperamental, hairless kitty, who was both called out by Miss Spears, and utterly humiliated. As a song went to black, something Miss Spears insists she's only done "a few times", paparazzi pop diva Britney Spears audibly cried out, "My pussy is hanging out!" Mar 9, 2009, 20:39 Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga for Nintendo Wii Of all the cut-rate games I've bought for the Nintendo Wii, none meant much for me than headache. After buying the Nintendo Play (which came with a controller, so I was warned to have low expectations,) and falling for another title I won't even bother naming, my faith in the system was entirely shaken… and then I found Lego Star Wars, and my modern gaming life just may now be complete. Mar 8, 2009, 07:49 Limbaugh Does Lead the GOP – And Here's Why Republicans are all in a tizzy over the supposed concession from democratic leaders that radio personality Rush Limbaugh is the de facto leader of the Grand Old Party. Republicans have called the move "cynical" and an "outrage", among other things, while failing to understand the reasoning behind it. The party was waiting for a leader to step up, Limbaugh took the reigns and nobody stopped him… Why is that so hard to understand? Mar 6, 2009, 05:26 Costco Shopper Booted After 14th Free Cracker Costco management took the unprecedented step of removing a shopper from its Oakland, California store for abusing it’s free sample program. Bill Wentworth of San Jose, CA was forcibly ushered to the exit after management spotted him eating a 14th lobster dip cracker. Mar 3, 2009, 02:48 Special Report: How To Damn the Man If you're anything like me, surely you have a certain distaste for "the man", whichever of the many "the mans" that may be, but what can regular folk do to show their distaste? It isn't easy, but there are a few ways you can show your dissatisfaction and damn that very same man. Mar 1, 2009, 04:23 Suleman Ponders Cool Million for Hardcore: Enter the Octovaginarian It's just so crazy even a satire site like us couldn't possibly make it up. Yes, the infamous trailer Octomom Nadya Suleman may be considering a million dollar deal to star in a pornographic film, according to a Fox News article today. Sure, Fox News is one of only a handful of "news" sites less credible than us, but they have advertisers, so it must be as true as it is nasty, baggy, and obscene in ways I dare not imagine. Feb 26, 2009, 15:00 U.S. Saves Video Games Around the World In a precedent move today the United States Securities and Exchange Commission has granted a $2.5 billion bailout to the Interactive Electronic Arts business group. In an emergency hearing held at 1:15am the SEC was in full agreement on the need of this bailout, as his final case being the Chairman of the SEC Christopher Cox (R) stated “This was the single most important bailout I could think of before leaving my post.” Feb 26, 2009, 06:39 Wii Review: Offroad Extreme: Special Edition Since our purchase of the Nintendo Wii last year, we've been doing our best to consider games as they come around, and do our best to review them as it's appropriate. We've been shopping since then like regular folk, but we've been suckered in to at least a couple lackluster Wii purchases, and this terrible game is just one such example. Feb 24, 2009, 06:47 Film Review: Right America Feeling Wronged Six-time Emmy nominee Alexandra Pelosi recently saw her latest film premiere on HBO. The documentary debuted on HBO on February 16th, and immediately drew criticism and acclaim from predictable ends of the political spectrum. It's no easy task following up films like "The Trials of Ted Haggard" and "Journeys with Bush", but this interesting, sometimes terrifying insight, does a pretty remarkable job. Feb 22, 2009, 08:31 Westminster Dog Show to Add Obstacle Course, Frisbee Catch The Westminster Kennel Club announced that this year’s dog show will require all contestants to either run an obstacle course or participate in a Frisbee catch competition as part of a newly created talent portion of the event. As a result of sagging ratings in recent years, Westminster officials decided to add the competitions to broaden the appeal of the event. Feb 21, 2009, 08:40 Crude Oil On Veritable Verge of Worthlessness A wicked combination of negative economic news from around the world has pushed crude oil back under the critical benchmark of $35 a barrel. While some analysts suggest prices will immediately rebound, others are looking at the dismal global forecasts, unusually high reserves and an apparent absence of OPEC control… some are predicting that oil will hit $32/barrel within a week, and $20/barrel within a month. Here are the reasons they're probably right, and why it's a good thing. Feb 18, 2009, 07:40 Trump Death Spawns Ebru Labadon's Devil’s Apprentice Crappy network reality TV update. If you've wondered how can it possibly get any worse, like when Satan gets involved, then wonder no more. Just add a dash of Donald Trump and it's TV hell. After his alleged untimely death at the hands of angry stockholders from his casino empire, Donald Trump has been resurrected from Hell by the Devil himself, along with his show, and sent to roam the world in search of a "Devil’s Apprentice". Feb 18, 2009, 06:32 Friendly Guide To Choosing Myspace Display Picture The age-old question, “To MySpace, or to Facebook?” has only one correct answer: MySpace. Where else can you find that subtle yet satisfying pleasure of ranking your friends in the order you like them, only to demote them the minute they displease you? Simply “poking” an acquaintance cannot even hope to come close to the many intricacies of MySpace, the hip/trendy/other-word-used-by-40-somethings social networking website. Feb 15, 2009, 19:33 Gamy Area Man Actually Calls 1-800-PROVE-IT CHARLOTTE, NC—Tired of the embarrassing sweat stains accumulating on his shirts and the looks of silent disgust he receives in the close confines of his building’s elevator, area resident Eric Walters actually called the Old Spice hotline 1-800-PROVE-IT and demanded the company buy him a stick of his old stuff. Feb 11, 2009, 08:39 American Idol's "Bikini Girl" Adult Photos Surface Online Perhaps it was just a matter of time, but Katrina Darrell's unauthorized "adult" photos have finally shown up online. Confidential sources have told Glossy News that the amateur photos were sold, along with brief video footage, to Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame for a sum in excess of $50,000. As of press time, representatives for Ms. Darrell, Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, and American Idol have yet to respond to questions. Feb 9, 2009, 06:49 EA Sports: Terrier to Appear on Cover of "Vick '09" REDWOOD CITY, CA—After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of “Vick ’08,” its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise. Feb 9, 2009, 01:37 World Begs Ireland to Keep Columnist to Itself Editor's Note: The infamous Auntie Dote, well-known in the Green Isle as the "Femme Fatale of Irish snakebites," has demanded (gulp) to share herself with the rest of the world. The world has sent us an IM that it is not ready, noting that Ireland has long suffered her tirades, and that its sacrifice should 'stand in' for the rest of the globe. "Why should we be insufflicterated, too?" says the Planet, inventing a new word (Auntie Dote style) in a state of panic. Feb 5, 2009, 06:14 "Poseidon Adventure" Wreckage Found The ill fated SS Poseidon, which sank on New Years Day in 1972, has apparently been found by a team of French underwater explorers. While experts have long known the location of where the SS Poseidon went down, the depth of the ocean floor made salvage operations virtually impossible. Her husband, actor Jack Albertson, was one of only a handful of survivors. Feb 3, 2009, 06:47 Republicans Proven "Out of Touch" via Stimulus Vote It's unknowable why the GOP in the house was whipped to unanimously oppose the stimulus package – as surely at least one of these self-proclaimed mavericks surely believed in it, but it's only partly as befuddling as the decision to stymie the brief delay in the digital tv transition. Perhaps both votes come back to the fact that, being honest, these guys just don't have – or understand – broadcast television. Feb 1, 2009, 15:42 More Recessionista Fashion Tips The top ten best ways to save money so that you can continue to pamper yourself while the rest of the world suffers job loss, home foreclosure, and recession. Why should you suffer because of their bad luck? I love new slang terms and it's so hot right now to look both chic and frugal. As if that were really possible. The key is to look low maintenance, as if you were naturally fabulous. Feb 1, 2009, 05:21 Special Report: How To Succeed in Web Publishing If you're an aspiring web publisher, or one with more clicks under your belt than you can explain based on your monthly income, you might be looking for some internet publication tools, tips and tricks to help make your business one of more dollars than simple common sense. This tutorial, in humble list form, should help you out. Jan 30, 2009, 01:43 Mayor Announces New Guidelines for Municipal Bribes Mayor Richard M. Daley today announced new guidelines for doing business with the City of Chicago. Faced with recent allegations of corruption in his administration, Mayor Daley discussed the proposed guidelines today during a news conference held at City Hall. Jan 28, 2009, 04:13 Good Old American Ingenuity to Stop Global Warming Washington's 'Summer of Cooling' bill will cool this godforsaken planet down once and for all. In an unprecedented level of bi-partisan agreement, the US Congress, Senate, and the President hisself, passed a bill requiring Americans to support a "summer of cooling". Jan 25, 2009, 04:04 "Meth-Heads for Obama" Enter 4th Day of Inaugural Celebration Though Obama was sworn in on January 20th, and the grounds before the capital building have long since been cleared out, cleaned up and returned to business as usual, one particularly vigilant group of Obama supporters have yet to call it a night. The unofficial 'Meth Heads for Obama' group started their revelry the morning of the 20th, and today enter their fourth day of celebration. Jan 23, 2009, 02:40 DC 10-yr-old's Homework Demanded by World's Most Powerful Man Washington DC – Grade school student Malia O., a private school student in the DC area, has apparently received direct requests to complete her homework from none other than the president of the United States of America. Education is a policy cornerstone in the new president's policy, but at least two DC area children were unaware how directly this would impact their day-to-day lives. Jan 22, 2009, 09:13 US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President Taking up the difficult charge requested of the nation's newest president, fathers around the country have stepped up to make difficult choices and keep hope alive in the next generation. Many are doing this by emulating the exact behavior of Barack Obama and promising their dog demanding children that they too can have a puppy… you know, when dad gets elected president. Jan 21, 2009, 06:05 Moment of History in DC: Cheney Sets Crowd Boo Record at 2 Million With almost every radio and television station broadcasting the inauguration of America's 44th president live, and near universal print and web news coverage on-hand, there was little doubt that many firsts would take place, and at least a few records would be set or broken. A lesser known record – the 'greatest audience booing by number – was not expected by many, but it came to pass. Nearly 2 million people helped outgoing vice president Dick Cheney set the record. Jan 20, 2009, 21:01 Palin Insists on Keeping Media Wounds Open, Media Reciprocates One-time VP candidate Sarah Palin had a rocky, arguably unfair, relationship with the media during her short-lived aspiration to the second-highest office in the land. Instead of promoting herself, she's picking at fresh scabs earned in battle against the media, mainstream and otherwise, seemingly unaware that the media still holds the same worldwide sway they did during her storied run, and that they still don't much care for her or her unusual antics. Jan 19, 2009, 09:32 Funniest Satire Story of 2008 Chosen, and It's a Light, Half-Caffe Mochachino You may know HumorFeed as the best source for satire news around (it's like a syndication network, and nothing but the best stuff here, thank you very much). What you may not know, however, is that in addition to dishing up to a dozen of the highest quality headlines from sites around the world every day, that they take the time once a year to pick the best of the best (of the best, I dare say.) Jan 17, 2009, 05:41 Train Conductor Secretly Wishes to be Airplane Pilot Robert Grisby, 32 and a self-described "pilot in a man's body", is stuck working in a boring job, as a conductor for Metra's Union Pacific North Line, sources say. "Don't work for Metra, it will suck you in. I started working illegally when I was 15 after dropping out of high school, because I needed money for flight school. Jan 16, 2009, 10:52 Sharon Osbourne's Reputation as Typical Bee-Hotch Unbroken I've seen that Sharon Osbourne and wondered how much of the icy face we see is put on by MTV and how much of it is the machinations of her own inner demons. Between the erratic behavior on her American obscure end cable show and what I've learned from the likes of Ricky Gervais, I had to wonder, but when I finally got my screener copy of the BBC hidden camera show "Balls of Steel", I knew for sure… that lady isn't just crazy, she's straight up evil, almost as if she's trying to reinvent the very devil herself. Jan 14, 2009, 05:53 Youth Skip CIA Due To "Sexy" Failure - Agency Responds w/ Plame Nudies Young men are refusing to join the CIA in record numbers due in large part to the fact that status as an agent is no longer "sexy", so the agency has responded in typical misguided US governmental fashion with a viral video of "Langley Lovelies". Pinups include illegal and unauthorized shots of the likes of Valerie Plame, Sarah Palin, and of courses, that blonde chick with glasses from all the spy movies. Jan 13, 2009, 05:06 Three Reasons Obama Will Not Be Assassinated With President Elect Obama within days of inauguration as the first black president of these United States, and tensions still running extremely high from the divisive campaigns run by all of the serious GOP contenders, there is very real talk, even in the news, of potential assassination plots against this most historic president. Jan 12, 2009, 03:41 Special Report: How To Get Free Stuff Everybody likes free stuff, and there are many things that are free for everyone to get just by asking. There's a clock radio from the timeshare guys, a dinner from a church with beliefs you don't share, and coffee from a salesman pitching any sort of thing you don't want to buy. Did you know there are many other things you can get for free, just by asking really aggressively, and with our help, you can understand them. Jan 10, 2009, 03:22 When Satire is News: Montana With Kids Site Delivers Groundbreaking Twist Every year it seems more and more writers seem to think they're going to find a toe-hold in this wicked satire game. I say wicked because, as a highly successful failure myself, I can tell you just about everything you might want to know about being successful, being a failure, and even being a successful failure. But every now and again there comes a site that actually beats expectations and does something so refreshing it deserves mention. Jan 7, 2009, 10:01 Religulous Film Review – Wholly Unholy Entertainment I'm a big fan of Bill Maher and an even bigger fan of his keen study of all things he doesn't much believe in. Like myself, we were both raving McCainiacs in 1999, and we were both raised in a system of faith that even our own mothers can't explain to us. These things don't make me particularly like the film, nor his snarky, underhanded abuse of the "experts" appearing in it, but there is something truly magical about the film: Larry Charles. Jan 7, 2009, 05:48 Franken Recount – Why Norm Coleman Will Take the High Road Minnesota is about to certify Democratic Challenger Al Franken as the elected Senator in Minnesota, and even though Republican incumbent Norm Coleman has a number of challenges left to exercise, it's unlikely that he'll do so. Here are a few of the reasons why he won't. Jan 4, 2009, 06:52 Cheech and Chong: Roasted, Rolled and Smoked Recently resurrected and reunited for a new comedy tour, aging dopers Cheech and Chong tolerated a tepid roast by a bucket brigade of washed up entertainers without once looking even mildly amused. That’s what happens when you quit pot. You didn’t have to be stoned to enjoy the roast because it really didn’t…I mean wouldn’t have helped anyway. Jan 4, 2009, 02:14 Rapper 'Toughs' Cuffed, Stuffed, Humiliated NEW YORK-Rapper 50 Cent's two-bit crew gunned, slugged and ‘rapped’ their way into handcuffs in the hours after the heavily muscled superstar took center stage at Madison Square Garden, police said yesterday. Two of 50 Cents' closest confidants in his notorious G-Unit group were busted after shouting epithets at police and inciting the concert goers to engage in ‘crotch grabbing.’ Dec 31, 2008, 15:43 Dr. Fu*kenstein Creates Monstrous New Porn Star Forget the stresses caused by Bernard Madoof, the adult entertainment producer and part time mad scientist Dr. Fu*kenstein claims to have created the most hideous, yet strangely arousing porn actress the world has ever seen. Made up of body parts from deceased porn actresses with the attributes he was looking for, Dr. Fu*kenstein laughed manically while describing his creation. Dec 25, 2008, 15:40 Caffeine Withdrawal Nearing Epidemic Proportions Amherst, Mass.-A 32-year-old woman was sent to the Amherst Regional Medical Center yesterday afternoon after passing out at the Heartstops Coffee store on Chestnut Street. A spokesperson for the medical center said the patient was resting comfortably after being diagnosed with severe caffeine withdrawal. Dec 23, 2008, 08:34 Microsoft Puts Final Coat on its Emergence: World Dominance Today Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced to the press the advance of a new line of Microsoft technology. In the past, Microsoft acted as the pioneer of a new era of technology which has managed to reach almost every part of the world. The company has already grasped the reins of the operating system and computer universe and has recently started to expand to more habitual things. Dec 16, 2008, 05:42 Executive Order May Cancel Dixie Chick's Grammys The President today announced he would issue an Executive Order taking away the Dixie Chicks five Grammy awards mainly for spite. In a move to get the last word in, President Bush announced he would issue executive order POTAS/07-00029 today, canceling the Dixie Chicks five Grammy awards. According to White House spokesperson Dana "Sexy Pants" Perino, "The President wanted to make sure that Americans did not get the wrong message." Dec 12, 2008, 18:07 Seabrook Vacation Helps Us Get Away, Relax, Dream Life can be stressful sometimes, and we know it as well as anybody. Our preschool, kindergarten and 4th grade lives are hectic. We've got homework that goes even beyond tracing letters and counting numbers, plus we have to play a bunch, plus we run one of the biggest syndicated parenting advices columns of the century. Sometimes we just need a few days to ourselves, and Seabrook is just what the doctor ordered. Dec 10, 2008, 03:47 Insert Grand Theft Auto Story Title Here A media watchdog group denounced Take 2 Interactive, the maker of the hugely popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas." The group alleged Take 2 had grossly violated an implicit pledge to its loyal fan base by submitting a game with sub-par graphics displaying sex and violent content, and has subsequently filed synonymous lawsuits against Take 2 and Sony. Dec 8, 2008, 15:42 General Zod Busted for Lewd Proposition General Zod, former superpowered escapee from the Phantom Zone, was arrested yesterday and charged with making a lewd proposition to an undercover police officer. According to reports, an undercover policeman observed Zod lurking in an airport men’s room and peeking into stalls. After approaching Zod, the officer claims to have been “solicited by Zod to perform a sex act.” Dec 1, 2008, 12:30 Possible Death Sentence in Copyright Infringement Nightmare NEW YORK – A Delaware County jury began deliberating this morning on the fate of Mr. Stefano who was convicted on Wednesday of copyright infringement and first-degree possession of stolen software. Mr. Stefano pleaded guilty to all charges. The lawyers for the Business Software Alliance (BSA) are pushing for the death penalty, comparing Khyl's, “rampage” with that of pirate Albert W. Hicks in the 19th century. Nov 29, 2008, 09:29 Big-3 Auto Firms Recommend Alternative Phrasing A rare joint press conference was held today by executives of General Motors, Ford, Daimler-Chrysler and Delphi. The companies have formed a consortium to suggest replacements for the phrase "hemorrhaging red ink," which has become tired and cliched from overuse in press coverage of recent weeks. Recommended alternatives for the 2007 model year include: Nov 26, 2008, 09:24 Dead Poker Player Hid in Couple's Home The wife of back-from-the-dead poker player 'Wild' Bill Hickok has said he was living in their family home for over fifty years after he was declared dead. Lily Hickok, who is expected back in the US this weekend, told reporters her husband hid in another part of the couple's house when their sons and daughters visited, as he did not want them to know the truth. Nov 26, 2008, 04:20 Beyonce Shows Off Huge Cock at Jay-Z's Atlanta Show Beyoncé happily pumped his whopping hunk of man meat with her left hand Tuesday night at her new husband's concert with Mary J. Blige at Atlanta's Phillips Arena. Wearing a short black dress, big hoop earrings and no panties, the newlywed singer sat in a VIP area with her wide legs open. Nov 24, 2008, 08:44 Depressed Fans Fight to Save Cancelled Battlestar Galactica The most depressing series ever filmed, "Battlestar Galactica," will be going off the air after its current season, making the show's fans even more despondent than usual. Inspired by supporters of "Jericho" (who sent 50,000 lbs. of peanuts to CBS in protest of that show's cancellation) and "Roswell" (who sent 6,000 bottles of Tabasco sauce to the WB), Galactica fanatics and obsessive-compulsives plan to send Sci Fi Channel several thousand notebooks of self-authored, depressing poetry. Nov 24, 2008, 05:29 Barbara Walter's Vagina Writes Memoirs Not to be outdone, Barbara Walter’s vagina has written a memoir, and it might prove to be more explosive than Barbara’s tell all book. ‘Back in the 70’s, it was a house party up in here,” Walter’s vagina is quoted as saying. ‘Everybody who was anyone was in here at one time or another. Hell, we were even sneaking black people in through the backdoor!” Nov 21, 2008, 08:36 People Who Say "Frack" Are Seriously Stupid Mental health professionals are growing increasingly troubled as use of the word "frack" grows among the young and/or socially awkward. "Frack," if you didn't know, is a silly sounding euphemism used on the TV series "Battlestar Galactica" approximately 27 times per episode. Nov 20, 2008, 21:37 Terminally-ill Chimp Asks Make-A-Wish For Opposable Thumbs Apples, a highly intelligent, sign-language-using chimpanzee at Washington’s Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute (CHCI), was diagnosed last month with an aggressive form of bone cancer that gives her, at most, nine months to live. The Make-A-Wish foundation offered the chimp a wish earlier this week, making Apples the foundation’s first simian wish-recipient. Nov 19, 2008, 18:24 Hillary Clinton Proposes Baseball Bat Ban Secretary of State hopeful Hillary Clinton called today for a nationwide ban on baseball bats. Citing the inherent danger in owning baseball bats, the senator vowed to push legislation through congress confiscating all bats not belonging to professional baseball players hitting over .250. Nov 17, 2008, 11:56 Apple Unleashes Product to Confuse, Frighten Nation's Elderly Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs announced today the introduction of an Apple product designed to cause the nation's elderly to repeatedly scream 'Hello?' into monitors and later cower in the corners of their homes convinced that they are amidst agents of the devil. Nov 16, 2008, 10:59 80% of GOP Approve Palin as Future, Also 103% of Dems Alaska governor and former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin refuses to go away, or change her already-failed tactics in aspiration for higher posts. She may be the future of the GOP ticket, and recent polls show that as many as 80% of self-described republican voters want to see her in such a role. Perhaps more surprising, as many as 103% of democrat voters agree (margin of error ± 3%.) Nov 16, 2008, 10:04 Here's Why John McCain Deserves to Lose This Election The negative campaigning has been bad enough, and sending Sarah Palin out as his surrogate has been even worse, but the lies have really boiled over, if you ask me, and it's not the liberal media telling me the GOP is lying through their teeth, it's McCain's own site. I try to keep abreast of all the news, and sometimes I do a pretty good job (I read maybe 50 articles a day and check the polls probably 15-times), but I've never thought to check out McCain's own site… and might I say, wow, that guy is breaking my heart. Nov 1, 2008, 08:31 God Answers McCain's Prayers with Resounding "No" God, highest power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John McCain. "No," said God, with a chorus of angels in accompaniment. "I will not honor the requests of you or Sarah Palin. Sorry. I have bigger things to deal with and you should stop praying to me for this." Nov 1, 2008, 07:46 Seattle’s Halloween Train Chuggas Its Choo-Choo on Horizon It’s that time of year once again. Of all the seasons in all the months, I reluctantly admit (to you only, not to my family) that Halloween is my favorite, and there’s no better way to enjoy it than with a clever costume, trick-or-treating amongst generous adults, and by riding the fun-tastic rails of the Halloween Train offered up by the Northwest Railway Museum in Snoqualmie, Washington. Oct 24, 2008, 00:13 Polls Show McCain Gaining Inches, Obama Gaining Electorates Nationally, the race is tightening, and I can't speak to why, save for saying perhaps that it's because undecided voters have finally come to terms with their inner racists. Post-debate polls show Obama as the clear victor from the third debate, and there haven't been any game changers in the mean time, not even small ones, but yet McCain is gaining ground across the country despite him still being McCain, Palin continuing her mediocre quest for lacklustery, and the GOP ticket generally being out-spent by margins unimaginable in previous presidential races, but here's why it isn't any time yet to even think about losing heart. Oct 20, 2008, 11:01 Palin to Drop Out, Huckabee Will Replace Her, So Help Him God With Obama crushing McCain dead in the polls, and the all the pop of radical campaign attempts having fizzled, it’s time for a game-changer, and short of ordering a domestic attack under the guise of foreign terrorism, there ain’t a whole lot of cards to throw down… there is one, though, and it’s troopergate, and those results are nigh about to h