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Incorporation - Intoxication
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Last Updated: Jul 3rd, 2009 - 07:01:03

In the news...

In the news...

Safety Rules Saves Lives, Ruins Childhoods

UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children.

Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre guidelines to stop schools being sued in the event of an accident – or a pupil going postal with an assault rifle over poor exam results.
Jul 3, 2009, 07:42

Study Finds Red Necks, Trailer Trash, Criminals And Sex Offenders Live In Trailer Parks

If she seems hot to you, don't be misled, that's likely the scorch of the herpes talking.

Washington DC - The Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year, multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of this study, outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders.

The report published last month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red necks. While the report does not indicate how this came to be, it verified that, on average, seventy-five percent of residents in most trailer parks were poor white people known as red necks.
Jul 3, 2009, 04:23

Greedy Grocer Super-Slim Salads Packed with FAT

The addition of what appears to be a pubic hair to the edge of the bowl makes for a nice compliment as well as a terrible insult.

Pre-packed salads are definitely not the healthier option, with some supermarket lunchtime snackie items higher in calories and fat than a Big Mick Greasy Burger and High-Col’ Toxic Twisty Fries from the local Chew n Spew - according to a report in the current issue of the ‘Heart Attack Gazette’.

Researchers from ‘Slob’ and ‘Couch Spud’ magazines also looked at 20 different salad combinations from the major ‘Eat Healthy’ deli’ counters of the Greedy Grocer and Grotty Grocer –and the prestigious M S (Moronic Spendthrifts) - supermarket chains, finding all contained high levels of MSG and aspartame – precisely what dieticians refer to as ‘carcinogenic crap’.
Jul 3, 2009, 00:48

Webster to Redefine "Unemployed", "Lazy" to Remain Unchanged

Remarkably, the word "gullible" still does not appear in any published lexicon.

Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits.

When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for Part-Time Jobs, claimed it was due the collapse of the fishing industry and the fact that idiotic EU-imposed catch quotas had been further reduced to four crates of cod or half a dozen dogfish per week.
Jul 2, 2009, 17:03

Puerto Rico Children's Museum No Place for Kids

Museo Del Nino, Puerto Rico... No place to take your kids.

We took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico last week and we saw a bunch of newsworthy things that really rocked the boat of our ability to take the cake. We'll cover all of them in uncomfortable detail in coming weeks, but first I have to point out the horrible travesty on child-named attractions that is the Puerto Rico Children's Museum. All I can say is that it's no place for kids.

We'd setup our visit about a week in advance and we were pretty excited to see this, the only place in San Juan Puerto Rico dedicated entirely to children. We'd read some pretty okay things and the price looked good, but when we got there it all fell apart.
Jul 2, 2009, 06:31

Trust Me, I'm a Pilot: Que?

Buckle up and get ready to fly the friendly skies.

Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast.

A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain"s Mallorca Palma Airport.

Passengers were asked to move seats to the rear of the faulty aircraft to re-distribute the weight so the plane sat level and not nose down, but seventy-odd terrified tourists left the potential flying coffin, fearing for their safety after a couple of bodgers from the airport"s Shit-Fit workshop failed to repair the damaged cargo hatch door with a crowbar and sledge hammer.
Jul 2, 2009, 03:41

Michael Jackson, The King of Freaks, death finally starting to look interesting.

Michael Jackson, even whilst in custody, was famously concerned about the threat of swine flu even before it surfaced.

The general public are breathing a collective sigh of relief, as facts emerge following Michael Jackson's death, showing that his death was not as normal as first thought. Initially, it seemed the King of Freaks had died from a normal, run of the mill, heart attack induced by stress; as opposed to trying to fly like Peter Pan or getting attacked by a chimp as he tried to dress it in human clothes for his daily tea party.

However, as more information seeps out it appears that his is death is not as straight forward as originally thought. Information has emerged detailing, that, prior to dying the singer/dancer/child toucher was injected with a painkiller similar to morphine, knocking it back with a generous portion of "Jesus juice". Michael Jackson's Doctor, a John Smith, describes himself as a "cardiovascular specialist and tarot expert".
Jul 1, 2009, 22:43

Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction

An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall.

The ‘Fenian Jolly Jihad’ group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan’s Swat Valley.
Jul 1, 2009, 14:58

Employee Bathroom Time Monitored With New Electronic Hand Dryer

No matter what you do while you're doing your business, it's business time.

Detroit, Mi- While most employees now are aware that their employers can monitor their phone and email communications, many may not be aware of a new trend being seen in companies across the country.

The latest trend in employee monitoring has extended in to the corporate bathroom. Aided by new finger print recognition technology, those electronic hand dryers mounted on bathroom walls are keeping tabs on how much time individual employees spend in the bathroom.
Jul 1, 2009, 04:20

Soulja Boy Yet to Register with Selective Service

ARLINGTON,VA--In an impromptu press conference held outside Arlington Headquarters, Ernest Garcia, Acting Director of the Selective Service, revealed that 19 year-old DeAndre Ramone Way, popularly known as Soulja Boy, has yet to register with the agency.

Jun 30, 2009, 06:14

Iran Arrests UK's "Baker's Dozen" Agents Provocateur

The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

Jun 30, 2009, 02:32

BBC Now Covering Non-News & Mass Distraction, aka Human Interest

The BBC ‘Front Page’ news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) – the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age.

Jun 30, 2009, 00:13

Speaker Election Turns into Monkey-Style Poo-Fling Extravaganza

The race to become the most powerful House of Commons Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate. Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.
Jun 29, 2009, 09:18

Chinese Chopsticks Recalled

Bejing, China – In a rather difficult scenario, China has recalled all of its recently shipped, disposable wood chopsticks – in excess of 45 billion pairs – the equivalent to about 25 million trees. China's governmental food spokesperson, Chiu Ree, said the problem is centered on the chemical makeup of the lacquer that is applied to the chopsticks in the finishing process. Lead has been discovered in the paint and lacquer by the testing body.
Jun 29, 2009, 04:48

Cops Steal Millions, Decide Not to Arrest

More than 300 of the UK’s elite Scotland Yard ‘Plod Squad’ are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards – presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP’s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker. Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism...
Jun 29, 2009, 02:20

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