In the news...|
Tribal Native Denies "Being a Ninja", Secretly Dreams
It was the strangest thing. We were having a runaway, rampant day out, doing our darnedest to span the landscape of the Puerto Rican interestosphere, regardless of the locals' patent refusals to engage us in our media-istic capacities. It was a trouble we'd faced everywhere, but a resistance I hadn't expected to face was that upon meeting a poorly-wigged tribal re-enactor, who obviously looked like a ninja, that he'd say he wasn't a ninja.
Sep 19, 2009, 21:13
Obama Schools Speech Fiasco Amuses Kids
President Barack Obama has delivered a junior State of the Nation speech to American schoolchildren, broadcast live to classrooms across the entire good ole US of A � from kindergarten age to upper high school grades. However Republican critics claim Mr. Teleprompter is setting out to establish an Orwellian / Big Brother cult of the personality with TV speech � which they consider is a preliminary exercise in the social propaganda brainwashing of adolescent kids for nefarious political ends.
Sep 19, 2009, 14:01
Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR
In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow�s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back. After an opium-fuelled session of barracking each other and playing the traditional Tajik groping game of �Guess who�s under the Burkha� they chose to endorse...
Sep 19, 2009, 01:03
Common Purpose? - Dial 666
There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate - following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty - is just a matter of time and not one of �what if� but simply �when�. However a Biblical multitude of ordinary decent people are aware that the Masonic-Zionist Illuminati�s New World Order�s Fifth Columnists are actively weakening the UK internally and preparing covertly...
Sep 18, 2009, 01:54
Cops Can't be Trusted with Fines
According to a report just released by the UK�s Manky Magistrates Commission the nation�s Plod Squads cannot be trusted to hand out summary justice and will act as �Prosecutor, Judge and Jury� if given further God-like powers to issue on-the-spot fines for simple civil offences - and more serious crimes such as arson, rape or putting your wheelie bin out too early.
Sep 18, 2009, 00:38
Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close
The UK�s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses � and getting paid for doing sweet FA. According to a secret report left in the carriage of a London underground tube train on the Bakerloo line and sold on to the Cormorant Strangler�s Gazette for thirty pieces of silver, zillions of pounds of...
Sep 18, 2009, 00:12
Teachers Stigmatize Pupils Due Birth Names
Shit-for-brains UK teachers with an NVQ1 diploma in Advanced Guesswork claim they can tell which pupils are likely to play up or be the local Anti-Christ incarnate simply by looking at their names - according to a recent government survey. The poll of 3,000 teachers possessing the basic educations skills of being able to write their own name and use an ATM machine - commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - found that...
Sep 17, 2009, 17:48
Arkansas Mum Has 19th Nervous Breakdown
Bobbie-Joe Muffitch from Twattown, Arkansas, is expecting her 19th new arrival in March next year. The 42-year-old mum and her husband Billy Bob, who run a commercial adoption agency and baby formula franchise, are the stars of their own reality TV show �Billy Bob n Bobbie-Joe Don�t Know Shit About Contraception�.
Sep 17, 2009, 16:15
Brown Makes 30-Minute Stop In Afghanistan
During a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to change his underpants Gordon �Culpability� Brown gave a strong indication that more British troops will be sent to the basket case dump of a nation-sized midden to replace all the broken ones the Taliban have snuffed in recent weeks. Speaking to troops in a bombproof Fuhrerbunker at their Bellend Province fortified base camp Brown claimed he wanted to speed up the training of Afghan soldiers...
Sep 17, 2009, 10:09
Welcome to the EU's New Dark Ages
Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety - by which you can�t see to read � or write - brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat. According to the latest 1,286,498 page paper report from the Brussels� based Energy Saving Trust, which is estimated to cause the devastation of...
Sep 16, 2009, 04:20
NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer
As New Labour�s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% - from doctors to drudges - encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthanasia to make ends meet. The planned workforce cuts on the already-ailing public health service were intended to close a massive Treasury budget gap...
Sep 16, 2009, 02:29
Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains
A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were "significant gaps in our scientific knowledge" � which in layman�s terms equated to the fact they didn�t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state...
Sep 16, 2009, 00:28
Passenger Fixes Faulty Airliner
Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Passengers on the Thomas Cook flight TCX666 from Menorca were told to expect an eight-hour wait while an engineer was flown out from a Kwik-Fit service centre in the UK.
Sep 15, 2009, 15:46
MPs: We're Only Sticking to the Rules We Made Up to Make Us Rich
MPs were today pointing out that they had not broken any of the rules, that they made up, to decide up how much money they could secretly steal from taxpayers. The Prime Minister, John Key, has defended ministers, saying that many people did not realise that ministers were forced into their line of work and that most of them do not even own a holiday house in Hawaii.
Sep 15, 2009, 10:02
NZ Public: Just Let Us Get Shi*faced, Will You?
Binge drinking enthusiasts across New Zealand, were today telling the government to take their newly proposed drinking laws, making it harder for adults to get alcohol and to shove them where the sun doesn't shine. The government is calling for sweeping changes including increases in taxes on alcohol, shortening opening hours and changes to the purchasing age.
Sep 15, 2009, 05:57
UK Teenage Nutters Planned Columbine 2: The Wrath of Kahn
Two teenagers planned to blow up a local shopping mall and strafe their school with gunfire in a massacre timed to coincide with the anniversary of a mass-murder killing spree at a US school, a British court heard today. Ghengis McTwat, 17, and his friend Jacko Scrunt 16, both from the Scumbury Sink or Swim Housing Estate in Greater Smegmadale, denied conspiracy to murder and conspiracy to cause explosions � claiming it was all a bit of boastacious fun that got out of hand.
Sep 14, 2009, 04:30
NZ Voters Overwhelmingly in Favor of Punching Own Kids in Face; PM Ignores Them
In the past week, New Zealanders have turned out in record numbers, to vote for the right to punch their children in the face. 88% of voters said they wanted to have the choice of giving their children a good ol' smack, if they dared step out of line without having to worry about Johnny law coming to lock them up. As the results came in from the non-binding referendum entitled "Should a punch in the face as part of excellent parental correction be a criminal offence in New Zealand or are you are you a lefty pinko with no kids?"
Sep 14, 2009, 02:09
False Flag Burka Gang Strike Again
A burka-clad man � or woman - was part of a gang of armed raiders being hunted by police after pirate DVDs worth an estimated �100 were stolen from the Smegmadale branch of Cockbuster Video. The group burst into the High Street video rental store during the lunchtime rush hour and threatened staff with a bag of monkey nuts and a cucumber.
Sep 14, 2009, 01:10
Duct Tape to Preserve Political Careers
Washington, D.C. � It was announced today by a Republican Party spokesperson that commencing immediately, rolls of duct tape will be made available, at the entrance to the House and Senate chambers, to those Republican lawmakers who cannot seem to control themselves. �While healthy debate is encouraged in most instances, we find it necessary to impose a form of restraint at point in the juncture on those lawmakers who are so passionate as to dishonor Congress,� said Lucy Lipsingships...
Sep 13, 2009, 18:15
Arctic Now Hot Enough to Grow Grapes
Arctic temperatures are now higher than at any time in the last 2,000 years according to a personal report given to Fux News by the dipshit UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon who has just spent the past week wandering around in his underpants and a pair of flip flops north of the 66th parallel to investigate for himself if all propaganda-driven brouhaha and panic put out by the Al Bore camp and the Carbon Exchange Cap n Trade shysters is founded on truth - or bullshit spewed out from the usual �all-for-greater-profits� anal mechanism.
Sep 13, 2009, 10:38
Zagat: Prison Grub Beats Hospital Food
Researchers from the government�s Institute for Wasting Time & Money have recently decided that the food provided in HM Prisons is better than in NHS hospitals � which ultimately may support the pointless argument that people live longer in prisons than they do in hospitals. Rupert Fuctifino, the gourmet columnist from the Chew & Spew Gazette, did a blind taste test to determine the quality of food offered to prisoners and NHS patients and concluded....
Sep 13, 2009, 07:16
Fiji Will Not Be Able to Compete in Tournament No One Watches
Following the announcement from the mentally unhinged military dictator, Frank Bainimarama, that there would not be democratic elections anytime soon, Fiji have been dealt an (apparently) harsh political blow by being suspended from the Commonwealth. The population of Fiji are said to be distraught as they will not be able to attend the next Commonwealth games, despite the fact that no one knows where it will be held or where or even when the last one took place.
Sep 12, 2009, 03:11
Police Chief Faces Racist Probe from "Damn Darkies"
According to a report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by an anonymous source inside the Metropolitan Police Authority (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) an independent investigation has begun into claims of racism against Ms. Catherine Crawfish, the 95-year old Gorgonesque chief executive of the MPA. In a damning complaint filed with the Lord Mayor of London�s office the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association (MPSTPA)...
Sep 12, 2009, 02:49
Fat Camp for Porky Kids Opens to Poor Food Reviews
Reporters from the Daily Shitraker have uncovered a secret plan formulated by Sir Erwin Bogbrush - New Labour's Minister for Orwellian Studies - to send overweight children on a draconian NHS enforced slimming regime. Tens of thousands of overweight children � some porky slobs as young as four � will be shipped off to Fat Camp, under a Government scheme to tackle obesity.
Sep 12, 2009, 00:39
US Offers "Join Afghan War or Be Next" Amnesty
The USA has today said that if New Zealand do not join them in their continued oil blood war in Iraq Afghanistan, New Zealand may have no support if they were to be bombed, especially if it was out of spite by the US. New Zealand has a small involvement in Afghanistan, aiding in the war on terror. The US has signalled the involvement is not enough and the reason should not be to aid in the war on terror, but, to follow the US blindly wherever they go...
Sep 11, 2009, 12:51
Literal Dog Gang Finally Collared
A pack of mutts known locally as the Manky Mongrel Gang have been arrested by a joint action team of police and the RSPCA�s elite Canine Squad officers following the discovery of �3,000 of stolen pet food during a raid on a Kennel Lane property at Barking in Essex. When the crime-busters raided the property on Tuesday they discovered a hoard of tins and bags of stolen dog food plus bundles of Grotty Grocer supermarket pet food discount vouchers.
Sep 11, 2009, 08:15
Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles
We all have our jobs to do around the Perplexing Times offices, and we all do them, time permitting, to the best of our ability. Well, maybe not the best of our abilities, but certainly to the best of our interest in doing so. staff Videographer we hired, however, is really mooking up the works with his inattention to detail. The most basic principles, technically, include holding the camcorder in your hand, pressing the "record" button and pointing it in the right direction.
Sep 11, 2009, 00:13
Innovative Cops Boost Income by Robbing Cars
While there�s nothing unusual about discovering items of value have been stolen from unlocked (or locked) parked cars � including the actual car wheels or engine � or the car itself � by opportunist thieving Pikey scallies during the deepening recession, it may well come as a bit of a surprise to learn the 'culprit' was a member of your local Plod Squad. Officers at Smegmadale-on-Sea, on the UK�s tropical south coast, are entering unlocked cars to remove valuables, like handbags, diamond...
Sep 10, 2009, 04:32
Anti-Graft Boss Caught Elbow-Deep in Graft
Campaigners have condemned the reappointment of the head of Kenya's anti-corruption agency � the KACC (pronounced �cack�) - by the 105-year old President Dogbone Meow Kitkatbar. "Retired Justice Bunny Jiggerabbit has failed to fight corruption in country," lawyer and former Minister for Goat Affairs Silas Saltlick told the Basket Case Gazette. �It is a total kleptocracy characterized by rampant greed and corruption � and we can�t even get a slice of the action.�
Sep 10, 2009, 01:39
NHS E-Mail Reply Three Years Late
The National Health Service has apologised after writing to a man to address various concerns over his hospital medical treatment - three-and-half years after he kicked the bucket and went aloft to join the Choir Invisible. Morton Fuctifino�s daughter e-mailed both the National Patient Safety Agency and the NHS following the death of her 96-year-old father at Smegmadale�s prestigious Veterinarian�s Trust Hospital.
Sep 10, 2009, 01:23
Suicide Bomber Sues For Injuries
WASHINGTON D.C.- Known terrorist Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed has filed a law suit against the United States Government, claiming the White House to be an unsafe work environment. The law suit arose after Ahmed Aafiya Sadeed was injured falling off of the White House roof, which he claimed was, �Terribly difficult to climb, especially with bombs all over you. When asked how much he was trying to sue the Federal Government for, Sadeed looked stunned, saying, �You mean I can get more than camels?�
Sep 9, 2009, 07:38
iPhone Explodes in Ossetia � Millions Feared Dead
French consumer groups are investigating a disturbing bout of recent reports concerning iPhone 3GS models that have exploded or burst into flames spontaneously. A 96-year old Granny, Madame Hilda La Kunte, from the Paris suburbs, suffered third degree burns and shrapnel trauma when her iPhone exploded while she was answering one of her regular �121 Adult Chat� phone sex calls, according to the current issue of Le Merde magazine.
Sep 9, 2009, 02:53
Congress Places Bill of Rights Up for Auction on eBay
Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay. Spokesman for the group, Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), said, "In time of economic crisis not seen since the Great Depression, it is...
Sep 9, 2009, 01:10
UK Roswell Incident Stays on Secret List
General Sir Gaylord Snivellington-Snide, former head of the armed forces, told the Defence Secretary a UFO incident known as Britain's Roswell could be a potential "effing banana skin" - Shitehall-speak for a looming political embarrassment - just waiting for somewhere to happen. In 1983 Snivellington-Snide spoke to Michael Hasseltine about the "Bliar Twitch Incident" in which a minor Labour party politician...
Sep 8, 2009, 13:17
Tory Goons Now Accused of Sexism
A Conservative Party member has apologised after suggesting only attractive women should become MPs � the sincerity of which he proved by publicly performing acts of extreme penance - rubbing himself in ashes, wearing sackcloth and flagellating his back with a lead-tipped lash � in true public school deviant fetish fashion. Bellend-on-Sea Conservatives Association chairman Armitage Shanks, 93, claims his comments were "tongue in cheek" and...
Sep 8, 2009, 08:19
Murdcock�s Brat-Sprog Curses BBC
News Corporation's CEO, the diminutive Jimbo Murdcock, in typical hereditary Aussie whingeing fashion, has preposterously stated � in an all-out case of the kettle calling the frying pan �black arse� - that a dominant BBC threatens independent journalism in the UK � and specifically the survival of the over-stretched and bloated fascist News Corporation Empire.
Sep 8, 2009, 05:54
Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby's Auction
New York, NY � The New York office of Sotheby�s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler�s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak�s dark history. According to stories surrounding the cloak, anyone who comes in contact with it eventually dies.
Sep 7, 2009, 08:49
Failures Force Obama to Look for Scapegoats
National Enquirer - Part II of John Smith�s report of his time on Martha�s Vineyard posing as a landscaper at the Obama Compound. From his hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where strategy meetings were held, Smith taped the following conversation between Obama and top advisors. session had to do with Obama�s plummeting poll numbers.
Sep 7, 2009, 02:10
Giant Carp Pops its Clogs... Whatever That Means
The UK's most prized and iconic fresh water fish, Benson the Common Carp, has died, after being caught more than 60 times. A day of national mourning is expected to be announced by the government�s Angling Secretary Silas Pollock later week, according to a press release by the Ministry of Fish.
Sep 7, 2009, 01:01
Counter Protester Turns To Cannibalism
Kayotic City, CA � Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama�s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center�s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it.
Sep 6, 2009, 20:21
Artificial Trees to Combat Global Warming
According to a survey conducted by the Institute for Advanced Guessology - and just leaked to the Daily Shitraker via skeptical IAG career snitches � their resident barmy boffins and anoraks claim a forest of 100,000,000 "artificial trees" could be deployed within 10 years to help soak up the world's carbon emissions and mega-tonnes of atmospheric toxic shite and industrial pollutants created by leading environmental vandals in India and China.
Sep 6, 2009, 14:21
Booze Asbo�s for Renta-Drunks (Note: Headline by Drunkard)
Community pariahs in England and Wales who commit crimes or behave anti-socially while shit-faced drunk � such as urinating on a policeman�s boots or vomiting in the back of the arresting Panda car - could now face a Drinking Banning Order - or "Booze Asbo". Under further totalitarian fascist powers coming into force on Monday police and councils can seek an order on anyone aged 16-?-or over (even though the minimum age to buy or drink alcohol is 18 years � or was the last time we bothered to look).
Sep 6, 2009, 06:25
Was Benny Ratzinger a Nasty Nazi? (Or the Savory Kind)
The famous and controversial �I was never a Nazi � but sometimes played with the kids who were" quote from Pope Benedict XVI � Germany�s first pontiff since 1057 - is about to be called into question, according to deliberately leaked information concerning the plot of iconoclast Dangerous Dan Brown's new book. The Lost Cymbals looks set to create a huge uproar across the entire Catholic world, with its allegations that far from not being a...
Sep 5, 2009, 04:43
Fluedo: The Sneezy Pig Flu Board Game
In what critics are terming the most stupid idea to be announced since their last stupid idea was announced, the Ministry of Scaremongering, in conjunction with the NHS, have had a team of monkeys working around the clock to come up with a corporate teaching strategy to educate managers and staff on the possible ramifications of the Oinkyitis swine flu pandemic devastating their entire workforces.
Sep 5, 2009, 02:22
Failed Prosecutions Cost Mega-Bucks, Successful Ones Close Behind
In a desperate act of self-preservation to camouflage their obstinate stupidity Brummie prosecutors claim they were wholly justified in spending an estimated �20,000 on the Crown Court trial of a man who was acquitted of stealing a nine inch long exotically-curved yellow tropical fruit - eventually identified by police forensic experts working alongside senior botanists from Kew Gardens as a �banana�.
Sep 5, 2009, 01:12
IDF & Mossad Guilty of "Jewel n' Organ" Thefts
Top Israeli military officials have been linked to Britain's biggest ever jewellery heist in which cash, gemstones and other assorted high-value crap worth up to �45 million were stolen. According to a report in the Kike Watchers Gazette, three senior officials in the Israeli military were the main shareholders of the company responsible for guarding Mr. Oppenslimer�s De Queers Diamond Merchants & Jewellers in Blonde Street, central London, where the robbery took place.
Sep 4, 2009, 05:51
President Obama Assaulted with Caramels
Taking his cue from a popular American television show, President Karzai of Afghanistan lobs candy at President Obama, believing it to be an act of endearment. Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai.
Sep 4, 2009, 05:16
Scandle-Mandelson Targets Internet Piracy... Badly
Reliable tittle-tattle and rumour-based gossip circulating around the hallowed corridors of Shitehall in susurrant and conspiratorial whispers reports that Gordon �Incapability� Brown�s omnipotent Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson is preparing to declare war on teenagers � and anyone else and their dog � guilty of downloading music, games and movies from the internet - just days after dining with American faggot music billionaire Mervyn Gobbler.
Sep 4, 2009, 03:49
Obama Proposes Pet Health Care Plan to Woo Seniors
Stung by reports that the elderly are turning against his health care reform proposal, President Barack Obama is prepared to offer seniors a series of incentives to get them back on board. In the following unauthorized transcript provided to Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward, the President appears to realize that he is in danger of losing a key constituency in his battle to transform America's health care system:
Sep 3, 2009, 05:43
Chinese Fire Drill in Riot-Torn Blah Blah Whatever
The situation in China's riot-torn city of Wanking is now under control after the deployment of thousands of troops, according to the local Communist propaganda authority spokesman Miss Flip Flop Fong. Mr. Fok Yew Tu, Secretary of the ruling Politburo�s Beijing-based Commission for Conciliation, Compassion and Forgiveness, vowed that all those found guilty of murder during the riots would be put to death, their internal organs sold to Western devil transplant clinics in Europe, and their gutted carcasses hung in the trees for scavenging birds to feast upon.
Sep 3, 2009, 03:02
Roadside Zoo Boasts Wide Assortment of... Wait, Roadside?
As you drive the Puerto Rican countryside, it's not uncommon to see a truck parked off the highway with a huge "Exotic Birds" sign, but the offering is almost zoo-like in variety. They boast chickens, ducks, rabbits, kittens, puppies, pigeons, ponies, land crabs of assorted colors, and even the big draw, exotic birds, but it's on the side of the road, so um, what gives? I know I'm new here, but is a little weird.
Sep 3, 2009, 01:39
Things You Might Overhear During the Apocalypse Revealed
As the projected date for the Apocalypse draws near, i.e. December 21, 2012 (according to the Mayans), I find myself wondering what people will be talking about as the fires rain down upon them and the four Horsemen deliver God's punishment upon the earth. Here are just a few things you might hear before and during the Apocalypse. 1. Man, I didn�t see that coming. 2. Wow, where�d you learn to ride a horse like that?
Sep 2, 2009, 10:31
Somber Bomber Comedy Upsets Muslim Groups... Again
An online sitcom about a group of Islamic suicide bombers living in Bradford, Yorkshire could be more damaging than the real thing, according to the nihilistic �Allahu Akbar� zealots group. Dr Abdul bin Bagg, of the Manky Muslim Association in Bradford, also claims the series �Living with the Infidels� might upset some young hard-line Wahhabi fundamentalists � especially those belonging to the ultra-radical militant Jolly Jihad sect.
Sep 2, 2009, 07:55
Beer Cans, Cigarettes In Space, Attributed To Astronauts
Offutt Air Force Base, Nebraska - Scientists employed by the U.S. Strategic Command have recently observed an increase in the amount of space debris that they are charged with tracking. Beer cans and cigarette butts now can be added to the catalog of over 10,000 items observed to be in orbit around the earth. The source of space litter has been identified as NASA space shuttle astronauts unwinding in between space walks and other assignments.
Sep 2, 2009, 04:44
Taliban Give Thumbs-Up to MoD Budgeting
According to a secret Shitehall report CD copy left on a Bakerloo line tube train and sold on to the Daily Shitraker for thirty pieces of silver, the Ministry of Defence�s systems for buying new equipment are so inefficient they are hampering the military�s ability to conduct attack � or defence - operations. The Shitraker claims the dossier concluded the MoD's acquisition programme was �35 zillion over budget and five years behind schedule...
Sep 1, 2009, 17:52
Kennedy to Achieve Health Care Reform from Grave
Washington -- Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reports that the Obama Administration plans to use the death of Senator Ted Kennedy to fast-track its health care reform measure now languishing in Congress. Woodward announced several months ago that a White House insider is providing him with audio recordings of high-level strategy meetings.
Sep 1, 2009, 14:35
Churchill's Sofa Earns Big "Oh Yeah" from Bank-Wealthy Bidders
A tatty leather sofa, rumoured to have belonged to Winston Spencer Churchill when he was Prime Minister, was saved from a rubbish skip earlier month and has sold at auction for �7,500 � a whopping 150 times its estimated garbage value. The leather button-back scroll arm Chesterfield � which was reported to have been given to Churchill by the Aga Khan as a Merry Ramadan present in 1938, and then used by Churchill...
Sep 1, 2009, 04:46
Most Burgled Zip-Codes Start House Price War
Homeowners in parts of Snottingham-on Sea and Snobsford in Kent are among the UK's most likely to file burglary claims according to a study just released by the government�s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money. Five of the top 20 postcode areas where people have made actual genuine home insurance claims for burglary over the past year were in neighbouring Pukesbury, with a total of six in Snottingham, a further six in Snobsford and three in the stockbroker belt haven of Kuntsborough.
Aug 31, 2009, 07:50
Wall Street Rejects Short-Term Thinking, Embraces Shorter-Term Thinking
NEW YORK - It was champagne and truffles on Wall Street last Monday as the Dow soared almost two whole points during a five minute period between 9:12 and 9:17 AM, EST. Market analysts assert that the extraordinary surge marks the end of the recent epoch-long depression, and signals a new era of extreme shorter-term thinking in American capitalism. "We are confident that these amazing 293 seconds signal...
Aug 31, 2009, 04:36
Crackdown on Agua Banditos... Yes, In England
Water companies should be licenced to snoop on people's homes : gardens, kitchens - and bathrooms - just like regular backstabbing neighbourhood grassers and council snitches investigating threats of �domestic terrorism� - to ensure they are not using too much water, a numpty report into the future of unaffordable water bills has recommended. Swimming pool owners, those with large �Eden Project� rainforest style gardens...
Aug 31, 2009, 02:12
Robo-Love for Sale by Christmas, Robots Indifferent
It might just sound more like bullshit than perceived reality � or some Japanese techie�s sci-fi� BD/SM fetish fantasy, but robot hookers and robot sex are set to be an intregal part of the future for men who can�t pull pussy � or those discerning libidinous gourmets who get fed up with the same old hole and �Have yer finished yet?� statements. Japanese boffins introduced their new top model today - she stands 5 feet tall, weighs 95 pounds...
Aug 30, 2009, 06:26
August Not-News Roundup - Here's What You Missed
Caster Semenya's Scrotum Tests Positive as Female; Mandelsen's Rectum Examined, Head Surprisingly Not Found; Fresh Fruit "Bad For You", Says Elderly Woman Following Pineapple Injury; Elderly War Criminal Offers Belated Apology at Grandkids Behest; Television News Accused of Mass-Distraction, Responds "Kitten Saves Cripple Man from Fire!"; Vaccine Phobia Pandemic Strikes Millions; and Sherlock's Home to be Gobbled Up by Iconic Clown.
Aug 30, 2009, 05:39
Obamas Worry Martha�s Vineyard Visit "Looks Elitist"
National Enquirer -- An intrepid National Enquirer reporter has managed the near-impossible: gain access to the Obama compound on Martha�s Vineyard posing as a landscaper. During his time at the estate, John Smith discovered a hiding place in the bushes outside a screened-in porch where top advisors gathered to discuss political strategy. Following is a partial transcript of one of the sessions Smith taped...
Aug 30, 2009, 04:05
Obama: Stop Bothering Me
Washington -- A source close to President Barack Obama tells Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward that the President has begun to chafe at his inability to get away from the job, even at his vacation retreat on Martha�s Vineyard. �He�s become short with his staff and sometimes refuses to take urgent calls from Cabinet Officials and world leaders,� says the source, who provided the following unauthorized transcript of a recent high-level meeting to Woodward:
Aug 29, 2009, 17:30
Haggis More English than Scots, Though Just as Gag-Inducing
The proverbial excrement hits the rotating wind generator north of the border with the ever-surly Scots up in arms at suggestions that the earliest recorded haggis recipe was published in an English nun�s cookbook almost several hundred years before any evidence of the dish existed in Bonny Scotland itself, according to yet another idiotic academic study just published by food historian Candida Muffrot on behalf of the government�s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.
Aug 29, 2009, 04:18
UK Home Repossessions Ease � Que?
The number of homes repossessed in the UK fell 12:83% in the second quarter of 2009 compared with the previous three months, according to propaganda being spread by traditional High Street banksters and building society lenders - since most folks have been evicted and no longer enjoy the comfort and false security of four walls around them and a bit of a roof over their heads.
Aug 29, 2009, 03:53
Nation's Pathetic Try Hard To Break Stereotypes, Fail
WASHINGTON� Over 300,000 pathetic Americans nearly marched on Washington last Friday in an effort to shatter stereotypes that portray them as unable to organize, accomplish, or achieve, but instead didn't. "The event had been planned for months, all the pieces were in place, we only needed to reach out and seize the opportunity right in front of us," said Ray Emerson, chairman of the National Association of Pathetic Persons (NAPP). "We didn't, and now it looks like we're back where we started."
Aug 28, 2009, 14:32
Politicians Busy Imagining New Ways to Waste Taxes
First it was the Royal Family parasites, then MPs, then BBC exec�s - and now the sometimes comical extravagant expenses of the UK�s gluttonous council chief executives have been revealed to the gutter press for purview and a well-deserved slagging off in the public domain. A Sunday Shitraker investigation based on Freedom of Information requests and reports received anonymously under the 2005 Snitch and Grassers Act has laid...
Aug 28, 2009, 10:08
Polocks Caught Poaching Pollock, Satirists Irritated Joke Pre-Made
Jacko McTwat, a Smegmashire fish farm owner, has banned Eastern European anglers from his lands claiming they have been stealing the pond stock � both aquatic and wildfowl. Mr McTwat of Scumford Sands has erected a sign at the entrance to his farm prohibiting the bagging of landed fish and banning �Polack Pikey types� but has denied racial undertones � even though the sign�s written in the Cyrillic language and makes direct reference to �swan-roasting scum�.
Aug 28, 2009, 05:12
Sexy Prison Guard Too Gorgeous, Fired
A female prison officer was forced out of her job after being bullied because she was considered too pretty to enforce discipline, a Smegmadale Employment Tribunal heard week. Fellatia Sodomberg, 27, a former Albanian BD/SM Pro-Dominatrix, is claiming constructive dismissal and suing Justice Secretary Jack Straw and HM Prison Service after being forced to desert her position at the Smegmadale-on-Sea based Scumbags Young Offenders Holiday Camp.
Aug 27, 2009, 05:51
Early to Bed in Labour's Nanny State - EdTV Becomes Reality
Children�s Secretary Ed Ballsup announced today yet another of New Labour�s novel money-wasting schemes to the press and set out his �400 million plans to put 200,000 problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes - in what many consider a futile bid to change their hereditary mongrel bad behaviour. However Ballsup and Co in Shitehall still don�t seem to have grasped the simple message of the time-proven adages that you can�t make furniture out of firewood � or the fact you can�t educate pork.
Aug 27, 2009, 04:31
Wal-Mart Trims Payroll: Replaces Employees For 2nd Time
Bentonville, Arkansas-Wal-Mart Corporation today announced a series of cost-cutting moves designed to decrease expenses and improve corporate profits. In latest initiative, Wal-Mart executives announced a plan to replace over 4,500 current employees with lower-paid newcomers. Only two years ago, these soon to be laid off workers were themselves hired to replace previous employees with �high salaries.�
Aug 27, 2009, 02:18
Public Unaware of Ten Commandments - Dull Scripture Suspected
Knowledge of the Bible is declining among people in the UK according to academics from the National Tubthumpers Literacy Survey who found that young people believe the Good Book is a pile of old-fashioned tat and all about fantasy characters like God and the Devil and blokes getting crucified for giving the Romans shit. More than 144,000 people from faith and non-faith backgrounds were surveyed, with fewer than 5% able to name half of the Ten Commandments and 3% believing they were part of the new Highway Code.
Aug 26, 2009, 07:10
Pizza Vendors Find Profit in Cartoon Piracy
I love pizza and commercially licensed, protected cartoon characters as much as the next guy, but when it comes to full-price pizza sold at a cost equal to the piracy of the very same cartoon characters who lured me over in the first place, I've got a beef, and it ain't that mystery meat sprinkled liberally between the melted mozzarella. I've been to China, so I know all about the unlicensed use of trademark characters to promote a business that neither pays nor deserves such credibility.
Aug 26, 2009, 06:39
Cop Shoots Cop; Bystanders Unsure Who to Root For
The Thames Valley Police has pleaded guilty to breaching health and safety regulations after their senior Weapons Instructor accidentally shot one of the attendees during a �Firearms Awareness� training course. Weapons Instructor PC Vinnie Dicklethwaite, 92, shot Mohammed bin Mohammad, 21, in the stomach at the Smegmashire-based Police Training College in May, Scruntford Crown Court heard today.
Aug 26, 2009, 05:19
Pills Force Man To Think Only About Sex, Man Sues
Stonecastle, Ohio - Saying that he became a slave to his penis when he was prescribed Viagra, Ohio resident John A. Wills filed suit today in Seabury County court against Pfizer Inc., the makers of the drug. "These little blue diamonds are playing havoc with my thoughts" said Mr. Wills, a creamatory operator. "As I have got older, my wife is complaining about me and our personal sex things, so I saw my doc and he gave me prescription for Viagra 100mg.
Aug 25, 2009, 14:12
Fresh Calls for London 7/7 False Flag Attacks Inquiry
New photographs released on the fourth anniversary of the 7/7 false flag attacks on London transport appear to contradict the government�s official propaganda story that Muslim terrorists with home-made backpack bombs were responsible for the Tube and bus bombings which killed millions of people and wounded several others.
Aug 25, 2009, 07:11
Israeli Troops Shoot Flag-Waving Kids
Israeli soldiers from the IDF�s �Murder Incorporated� Regiment shot and killed 110 Palestinian civilians who were waving white flags, the Geneva-based Human Rights and Wrongs Agency claimed on Thursday in a report on the Gaza war - whose credibility Tel Aviv�s Zionist zealots immediately questioned as being biased against Israel and anti-Semitic in content � branding the report�s authors as goyim scumbags - and Holohoax deniers to boot.
Aug 25, 2009, 05:11
Contempt of Court More Contemptable than Ever
When Jefferson O�Dinga III attended a courtroom hearing in Alabama�s Redneck County to hear a fellow black brother�s sentencing on drug charges little did he suspect he would be the one going to jail. As Circuit Judge Billy Bob McTwat was lecturing the accused, Washington Pineapple IV, on the evils of snorting rhubarb and peddling the narcotic substance to pre-schoolers before sentencing him to ten years chained to the oars of one of the US Navy's all-new CO2-reduced slave galleys...
Aug 24, 2009, 20:30
Pub Closures Blamed for Binge Drinking, Somehow
That great traditional stalwart of the British working classes � the iconic local pub - was clocked as closing at a geometric rate of 52 per week in the first half of 2009 � a 30% hike on the same period in 2008 � according to a report just issued by the British Beer and Taverns publication � the Pisshead�s Gazette. Local pubs became the most vulnerable as communities were hit by the fallout of the economic downturn, with regular drinkers and all-out alcoholics having to resort to cheaper brands of plonk...
Aug 24, 2009, 19:18
Britain Keeps Tidy � Ships Shit to Brazil
Two dodgy British companies are being investigated following the discovery of millions of tonnes of hazardous waste shipped from the UK and discarded indiscriminately around Brazilian ports. Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling, which coincidently share the same dodgy directors and are based in Scumbury, were named by Brazil�s environment inspectorate, MERDA, as suspected of being involved in the illegal shipment of toxic hospital waste, plus assorted industrial and commercial crap, to the country.
Aug 24, 2009, 12:07
Glenn Beck Show Saved by �Good Ol� Boy� Advertisers
Glenn Beck is seeing his conventional ad revenues dry up due to his escalation of hate rhetoric, but the redneck community is coming to his aid to help keep him on the air. Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won�t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn�t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn�t have a show.
Aug 23, 2009, 05:34
Microsoft Announces Merger With McDonald's, Christianity
In what is being hailed as the end of the free world, Microsoft, McDonald's, and Christianity have joined forces to form a single $300 billion/1.9 billion adherent corporate-religious entity known as McRosoftianity. The resulting mega-church/corporation is projected to manage virtually every aspect of the global economy and culture in just a few short months. "We are absolutely thrilled because together we can control the world in ways that any one of us could have only dreamed of," said Bill Gates...
Aug 23, 2009, 03:01
Saudi Royal Slut Granted UK Asylum
Political tensions between oil-rich Saudi Arabia and Britain were elevated to a fresh high week when the leaked news of a Saudi royal princess being granted asylum from religious persecution in the UK hit the media headlines. The Saudi Arabian princess, who had an illegitimate child by a heathen infidel British man, has been granted asylum in the UK according to a Home Office / Borders Agency secret report leaked to the Sunday Shitraker by a Whitehall cleaning lady � Mrs Rita Snitch.
Aug 23, 2009, 01:26
Airport Screener Suspended for "Blatant Friendliness"
Officials from the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) expressed shock and dismay at revelations of TSA airport screener, Terry "Bubby" Smith, was captured live, on closed circuit security cameras, being "opening pleasant, friendly, and cordial to airline passengers. According to federal disciplinary reports, "[Mr Smith] on repeated occasions was observed smiling, giving directions to departure gates, and apologizing for the inconvenience of passengers required to undergo random secondary screening."
Aug 22, 2009, 17:50
Classics Retroactively R-Rated, Joe Camel to Protest
Children under 18 will be banned from watching films that depict characters smoking � tobacco, spliffs, opium � or kippers - under plans now being considered by UK local authorities Orwellian 'Thought Police' following directives issued by Whitehall�s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money. An 18 certificate - usually reserved for movies with explicit blood and guts violence or three-hole clusterfuck dogging session sexual content - will be slapped on any film featuring smokers that fails to explain cigarettes are nasty things that fuck up your lungs.
Aug 22, 2009, 15:56
Woodward: Biden, Panetta Losing Obama's Confidence
ABC News - Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward reported today that President Obama may replace Vice President Joe Biden and CIA Director Leon Panetta before the end of his first term. �My highly placed source tells me that the President has assigned his own code names to the pair: Doofus 1 and Doofus 2,� Woodward said. "He�s embarrassed by both of them."
Aug 22, 2009, 11:27
Swine Flu Vaccine Banned in Kosher Israel
Jerusalem � Israeli Health officials have announced today that the swine flu vaccine will not be made available to the general public as punishment for the more than 1,700 people who went against Hebrew law by contracting swine flu. �For those who do not know it, swine means pig, and any contact with pigs is outlawed, period,� claimed Amah Fahn Atek, chief Rabbi and Secretary of Health.
Aug 21, 2009, 10:36
TV Celebs Snuff Rivals to Boost Ratings
Police have accused the London-based Sky Crap Channel presenters of the TV show �Dos Scumbags� of being principally involved in organised rhubarb trafficking and ordering gang-related killings to get rid of TV rivals on competing channels and boost their own show�s ratings. Wussell Bland and Jonathan Woss are both former rejects from the BBC�s slapstick �Tosspots Show� and later ITV�s catastrophic �Dog Wankers� series, in which Bland played the critically-condemned part of a toilet...
Aug 21, 2009, 07:13
Yellow Post-it Notes Key To Rise Through The Ranks
Cincinnati, OH. - Interviewed in her office today at a large consumer goods company, employee Amy Fisher contributed her use of yellow sticky notes to her rise through the corporate ranks. Amy confirmed that her English degree from college has been useful in her career but it was not until she adopted a wide spread use of yellow sticky notes, that her career really took off. Amy's first started using sticky notes to write down phone numbers of friends when they called her at work and then noticed that her boss at the time, seemed really impressed by these.
Aug 21, 2009, 01:55
Blogger Demands Snakes be Banned, Lawmakers Seem Preoccupied
It may well strike some Northerners as incredible but a ginger minger moggy was recently eaten alive by a 13 foot-long Burmese python in a Bristol garden. However for the people of Bristol is simply another daily occurrence of what once were tropical predators now being part of the general fauna environment as climate change and global warming usher in their Apocalyptic migrating presence.
Aug 20, 2009, 11:22
UK Gone Mad � Officially Acknowledged
In response to Tory criticism that the UK�s school exam system has been dumbed down to a moronic level - and that league tables are partly to blame � resulting in kids leaving school sans any qualification certificates whatever, Children�s Secretary Ed Ballsup and the Ministry of Education examinations board are now offering a certificate for simply catching a bus - with the recipients insisting the �20,000 scheme is worthwhile. Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother-of-three and...
Aug 20, 2009, 03:24
Monkey Business Threat to Punjabi Government
Wildlife officials in India had planned to build a special school to improve the behaviour of delinquent monkeys. They claimed their aim was to target miscreant Macaques that had been issued ASBO�s and posed a serious threat to society and civilisation in the state of Punjab. However government authorities now claim the situation has spun out of control and monkeys have become a growing menace in Punjab as they move into towns and cities, setting up radical militant cadres at...
Aug 20, 2009, 01:39
Nonsense Food Issues Dominate World Media
In a desperate bid to broadcast or publish any old shit to keep the British public distracted from the fact that �The End is Nigh� and Western ciivilisation as we know it is about to go tits up in a Busby Berkeley extravaganza fashion, media sources have resorted to reporting on such asinine Earth-shattering news concerning the renaming of a curry and the sexual innuendo involved in advertising sausages.
Aug 19, 2009, 14:21
New Scots Ale Brew Bought by NASA
Premier Scottish brewery SpewDog, owned by the McTwat clan, has been branded "irresponsible" by child minder groups and Mothercare after launching what it said was the strongest beer in the known Universe. With an 18.2% abv (alcohol by volume) content, a 330ml bottle of �See You Jimmy� lager, concocted by highland brewery SpewDog, contained sixteen units of alcohol � five times the recommended daily limit for elephants and more than NASA use to fuel their Space Shuttle booster rocket packs.
Aug 19, 2009, 11:50
Taking Orders from Afar: Drive-Thru Out-Sourced
Oakbrook, Illinois. A Glossy News investigation recently learned that several of the nations top fast food providers, have outsourced their drive through order takers to help centers based in India. While a spokesperson from Oakbrook Illinois based McDonalds would not confirm or deny that business practice is true, they did concur that the current level of service and communication skills required for that position is presently not very demanding and that the company has been considering option for some time.
Aug 19, 2009, 01:48
NASA Discovers Cure for Insomnia, Broadcasts Live
Houston, TX: NASA officials trumpeted what they call "The Space Agency's Latest Triumph" after reports of millions being bored into unconsciousness while watching coverage of the latest International Space Station mission circulated on the Internet. According to reports, some viewers fell asleep within 20-seconds of viewing mission coverage, while others lasted up to 14 minutes.
Aug 18, 2009, 11:40
Theme Restaurant Boasts Chicken, Fries, Playground, Pony Rides
Just off Highway-2 in the south of Puerto Rico (about twenty minutes west of Ponce) is the sort of restaurant you read about. I know I read about it on roadside signs in a good 30-mile radius, so when I had the chance to dine at Gaby's World, I jumped all over it and was rewarded in ways no restaurant has ever even tried. First thing was the restaurant, which is so good I've asked for it by name, and we go out there maybe once a week.
Aug 18, 2009, 09:39
Did Jesus Smoke Hash Browns, or Merely Corned Beef Hash?
Pope Benny, the all-new German Mk XVI built-for-purpose Papal model, and the Catholic church in general, are up in arms in protest concerning speculations in a recreational drugs magazine � the �Dopehead�s Gazette� � that Jesus and the twelve disciples were a bunch of whacky baccy addicts. Jesus was almost certainly a cannabis user and an early proponent of the entheogenic and medicinal properties of the drug...
Aug 18, 2009, 05:12
Exorbitant "Park at Work" Tax Embraced by Tens
If you�re still fortunate enough to have a job to go to five days a week to earn an honest dollar and not been laid off or made redundant in the deepening recession, then Prime Munster Gordon Incapability Brown and his New Labour muppets have yet another trick up their sleeves to further endear themselves to the voting British public - by taxing your parking space at work. Commuters who drive to work in their car � or pony and trap - face a new 'parking tax' of up to �350 a year.
Aug 17, 2009, 10:32
Barbie Resigns From Mattel
Malibu Beach, CA . After the Mattel toy recalls on August 14 and September 5, 2007, Mattel's CEO Robert Eckert announced in an online video that a number of Barbie's houses, condos and various furniture and accessories had been tainted with lead paint and were unusable. He recommended that everyone who had any of these items return them for a refund.
Aug 17, 2009, 08:45
Man's Trip to "Cracker Barrel" Ends in Wonder, Amazement
I had the good fortune recently to try a new restaurant, one I'd seen many times on on-ramps and exit ramps, at which I had never previously ventured to stop. An old, unpretentious man, seated next to a barrel was their mascot, his visage emblazed on their gargantuan sign. The marquis read: Cracker Barrel, and, in smaller type Old Country Store.
Aug 17, 2009, 05:03
G20 Cops "Thug Squad" Aborted Protesters Fetus
London�s Police have been criticised for refusing to let a woman, Rita Slagg - who was kicked in the stomach by the Met�s Thug Squad and subsequently suffered a miscarriage � leave one of their �kettling� cordons for five hours during the G20 summit protests. The Independent Police Coverups Commission spokeswoman, Fellatia Sodomberg originally informed a reporter from the Whitewash Gazette...
Aug 16, 2009, 16:33
Global Warming Solution Proposed w/ Innovative "Nuclear Winter" Option
Credible details have surfaced concerning a virtual �bombshell� overlooked by the mainstream media concerning the recent agreement between President Obama and Russian President, Dmitri Medvedev, calling for the detonation of surplus nukes in isolated areas of Russia and the US. The effect of the proposed simultaneous ground surface detonation of some 45 surplus US and Russian thermonuclear warheads is calculated to...
Aug 16, 2009, 15:00
Germans Upset Whole of Known Universe... Again
An anthem sung by fans of the German football club FC Dumkopf Schittes 04 has drawn protests from soccer-hating Muslims around the world because of its negative reference to the Prophet Muhammad. The Wesphalia Gelsenkirchen-based club, which plays in Germany's top league, the Bundeskunts, has now hired the services of a team of Islamic cultural consultants from the Tel Aviv-based �Islamophobia PR Inc�. to research and evaluate whether the song might � or might not - be insulting to Muslims.
Aug 16, 2009, 10:48
Bad Times for Sneezy Pigs in Egypt
For the last sixty-three years, since leaving school at the age of eight with a First Class Diploma in Advanced Truancy, Achmed Bogbrush has eked out a meagre living recycling Cairo's waste as a chartered member of the elite Coptic Christian �Zabaleen� (Arabic for garbage collectors). Each morning he scurries around the super-slum Gamal Nasser Memorial Landfill Park...
Aug 15, 2009, 07:34
Deodorant Commercial Entirely Accurate
LOS ANGELES, Ca. � Justin White, 26, was pleased to find that upon waking up and applying copious amounts of Axe deodorant body spray to his hairless upper torso, his day unfolded exactly as depicted in a recent commercial he saw for the product. "I knew things were going well when I got into the elevator at work and the boss�s hot secretary couldn�t keep her hands off me," said White, hair ruffled from near-perpetual sexual activity.
Aug 15, 2009, 05:51
British Troops Blame Failure on "Too Many Tasks"
The military mission in Afghanistan has failed to deliver what it promised - or was intended to achieve - as troops are being given too many tasks, according to a report from House of Conmans MPs � which further described the UK�s military presence there as a total fuck-up - and run like a Chinese fire drill. The House of Conmans Foreign Affairs Select Committee says...
Aug 15, 2009, 05:34
Obama Hosts Thursdays Under the Magnolia Tree
Washington, DC � President Obama announced that the small meeting held last Thursday between himself, Joe Biden, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley to share a beer and clear up any misunderstandings that may have arisen due to the incident involving Gates� arrest by Crowley was highly successful. Riding on the crest of that success, Obama has decided to designate a portion of his late Thursday afternoon time schedule to hosting like summits in an effort to solve disputes in a more informal, civilized way.
Aug 14, 2009, 15:34
Banksters and Loan Sharks Defend Economic "Boom Time"
Chantelle McScrunt, a 16-year old mother-of-four, borrowed �5,000 from her local High Street loan sharks � Rothshites the Banksters - to pay for her kiddie�s pet goldfish Blinkie to have a heart transplant at a BUPA -approved Veterinarians Hospital - only to be told the following week she had to pay back �88,000 by flogging her golly on the streets every night - or have her arms and legs broken.
Aug 14, 2009, 06:25
Blasphemy Again Illegal in England, for Christ Sake
Legal action is being taken against a photographer who used a Smegmashire village church for an erotic piccy shoot without first seeking Vatican approval from the heresy-chasing Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Photos of the porno� models, some of whom were partially-clothed and in black leather and latex fetish gear, were taken inside and outside St Sodom�s Church of Latter Day Pederasts at Smegmadale-on-Sea.
Aug 14, 2009, 05:00
French Woman Gets HIV from Gorilla
Doctors discover French woman got HIV from gorilla she briefly dated.
PARIS � French doctors have discovered that a woman here has been infected by a new strain of HIV that is believed to have originated with gorillas. The new HIV strain has been traced back to Mongo, a 32-year old silverback gorilla from Cameroon, who briefly dated Monique Beauport, 38, a crepe maker from Paris.
Aug 13, 2009, 15:47
Obama Trims Insurers Budgets, "Cut Humanitarian Work"
HARTFORD � In a move that shocked Republicans and threatened to alienate hopelessly timid Progressives, President Obama announced today that under pressure from his administration, insurance companies have agreed to end all humanitarian work and concentrate on their core mission of delivering insurance coverage to sick policyholders.
Aug 13, 2009, 07:45
Google To Join Forces With NSA
Spokane, Washington - Google announced today that it is joining forces with the National Security Agency (NSA) in an initiative to better track each and every person in the United States. Google describes new service, yet to be named, as an exciting opportunity to move into a new market and at the same time offer it's vast resources to the government in an opportunity to enhance national security.
Aug 13, 2009, 00:26
Saudi "Swine-Truthers" Unmask Western Pig Flu Conspiracy
Saudi Arabian officials in manky Mecca have reported the country's first death from the Sneezy Pig swine flu virus. The victim was a 95-year-old man, Ali Rectum bin Ramfull, a former magic carpet pilot with the Royal Saudi Air Force, who was admitted to Mecca�s prestigious Veterinarians Hospital on Wednesday suffering from acute bouts of porcine grunting, high fever, and a severe snout blockage.
Aug 12, 2009, 20:12
Health Organizations Recommend Tobacco Smoking
In an unprecedented about-face, three health organizations that have long been vocal opponents of cigarette smoking announced today that smoking tobacco is a healthy alternative to the so-called electronic cigarette, or "e-cigarette." The US Lung Society, US Heart Society, and the Cancer Association joined with the newly-formed Free Tobacco 4 Kidz Kampaign in issuing the joint statement.
Aug 12, 2009, 14:01
Hillary Ups US Credibility Gap w/ Intel Embargo Threat
Terrified by the prospects of British Law and Democracy actually working in accordance with the Constitutional statutes they were intended to when designed centuries ago - and the UK�s Freedom of Information Act being allowed by short-sighted career civil service Mandarins in Shitehall to be used to the advantage of landless peasants.
Aug 12, 2009, 07:45
Obama to Begin New World Apology Tour in Cuba
Washington � When President Barack Obama arrives in Havana for a state visit next month, he will personally apologize to late Cuban Premier Fidel Castro for decades of American interference with Cuba's efforts to destabilize the Southern Hemisphere. Appearing on ABC�s new Sunday talk show, �Next Week,� which immediately follows � Week,� White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett told host Jesse Jackson that Cuba was the first stop on the President�s new World Apology Tour.
Aug 11, 2009, 23:22
Herbie the Love Bug Traded for 2009 Kia Rio
Reno, NV - The lovable Herbie The Love Bug VW Beetle was taken in as scrap week at Bud Glow�s Rio Showcase Car Dealership in Reno, Nevada. The car�s owner, Delora Upswing, said the car was given to her as a present from a friend years ago and she just kept it locked up in the garage. As soon as she heard about the Cash for Clunkers program, she decided it was time to part ways with the little fellow and get herself a sporty new ride.
Aug 11, 2009, 15:14
Outgone Bush Claims Global Warming Success
Washington D.C. - Former President Bush told a much smaller than usual news conference today that the "spat about global warming has met a successful end, another mission accomplished" for his administration, in his words. His announcement was made at the National Weather Center, a little-known government basement office hidden back behind Hoover's FBI building.
Aug 11, 2009, 00:21
Waterproof Sunscreen Useless Against Crying, Leads to More
When selecting a brand, type and configuration of sunscreen, it's important to bear in mind your needs, lifestyle and personal habits. For us, it was easy to choose a high SPF rating, opt for the waterproof, and go with a trusted name brand. What I didn't take into account was my personal propensity for crying, and none of the brands had anything to protect me from that. We bought two brands of sunscreen.
Aug 10, 2009, 06:39
Sales Person Found At Home Depot
A shopper at home depot today made a rare discovery. That of a sales person After trying for two hours morning. shopper Todd Johnson, finally located a sales associate to ask if they had any southern pine 2 x 4s left. After hours of searching the isles of the home improvement products store and also pestering the customer service desk to page a sales associate, Johnson grew increasingly frustrated today.
Aug 9, 2009, 01:16
President of Steel To Reveal Secret Identity
WASHINGTON - In the next few days the hero we have all come to know and love, will at long last reveal his secret identity to the adoring masses who elected him 44th President of the United States. As President, Super-Obama has promised to use his powers only for good, and is expected to save the world, and millions of American jobs, immediately after taking the oath of office. United States law prohibits super-powered...
Aug 7, 2009, 15:05
Dems Bid to Vote on How To Torture Bush
Washington DC � In their first 100 hours in power for OVER a decade (1994-2006 remember?), Democrats plan to vote on approved methods to torture President George Bush. Having been inspired by the Bush administration's owns torture policies and practices in the Iraq war, Democrats have been compiling a list of preferred torture methods to give George Bush a taste of his own medicine.
Aug 5, 2009, 20:20
Cheney Memoirs to be FOX-TV reality show
UNDISCLOSED IN DELAWARE - Former VP Dick Cheney announced today that he has retained the Trump Organization and The Donald as co-executive producers of his new "Memoirs" reality show to air on Fox fall. Speaking in a small clearing of a forested area outside Wilmington, Delaware, Mr. Cheney revealed that his somewhat-sought-after memoirs would be the subject of the Fox TV show to run for 16 weeks.
Aug 4, 2009, 13:35
CIA Tape Shocker: Pelosi in Bed with Reid, Murtha
Washington � In an escalation of the conflict between the Central Intelligence Agency and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a CIA source has provided the New York Times a tape of what he maintains is a July 2007 meeting attended by Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Rep. John Murtha. �Normally, we�d spike story,� said Bill Keller, Executive Editor of the Times. �But these are not normal times. We need to sell newspapers or we�ll wind up being a Paraguayan billionaire�s trophy rag.
Aug 4, 2009, 12:03
UK �Shameless� Gits Headed for �Sin Bins�
Tens of thousands of the worst families in England are to be put in "sin bins" (concentration camps) to improve their behaviour, under yet another of New Labour�s Big Brother Nanny State numpty government schemes. Under the government plan members of sociopath "Shameless" families are to be given intensive 24/7 supervision by ex-Abu Grahib prison guards to make sure children wipe their arses � and not on the bathroom curtains � that they attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals.
Aug 4, 2009, 06:49
Clinton: North Korea Needs Good Spanking
Phuket, Thailand - Hillary Clinton angrily announced yesterday from Phuket (pronounced fuh-ket), that she�s had it with North Koreans, likening them to little children demanding attention. She expressed the desire to take Kim Jong Il over her knee and give him a good spanking. She scolded them for being so mean that they now don�t have any friends, and told them if they don�t stop shooting their rockets off, she was going ground them for three weeks with no internet.
Aug 3, 2009, 15:48
Arts And Crap Fair Features Overpriced Food & Assorted Junk
Any town, June 25, 2007 - years arts and crap fair features over one hundred artist and ten food vendors. Artist from all over the county will gather at weekends fair to display their work. Some of the most popular booths year will includes imitation Ray Ban sun glasses, imitation Rolex watches and synthetic motor oil. Also on display and always popular are tie dye shirts, home made sling shots, hand crafted bird houses, scratched LP's, Elvis posters and lawn ornaments.
Aug 3, 2009, 13:23
Foundation to Launch "Cash for Congressional Clunkers" Program
New York -- The Foundation to Preserve American Values, a private philanthropic group, announced at a news conference today that it will distribute up to one billion dollars in grants to selected members of Congress. Ralph Warren, President of the FPAV, called the initiative, �Cash for Congressional Clunkers.� �Politicians who stay too long in Washington pollute the national discourse and guzzle media airtime, a finite resource," Warren said.
Aug 3, 2009, 11:55
Snitch Industry Unaffected by UK Recession
UK police forces paid out more than �16 million-plus in the past financial year to people with information on criminal activity � mainly criminals themselves - who grassed up their mates and / or the competition�s forces of darkness - according to a secret report leaked to the Sunday Snitch by disgruntled lower echelon plods. London�s Metropolitan Police � governed by Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense - spent most at �15 million, followed by the...
Aug 2, 2009, 15:29
Feminist Risks Forty Lashes for Wearing Pants
A Sudanese woman who is due to appear in court in Khartoum says she faces up to 40 lashes for wearing trousers � which has offended the chauvinistic and retarded sensibilities of the country�s Mutaween religious police - who only wear skirts themselves. The woman, Ms. Sapphie al Dildodo - a former journalist who now works for the United Nations Lesbian Equality Mission - has invited journalists and observers to the numpty dumpty Sharia Law trial.
Aug 2, 2009, 11:45
Enemy Body Counts Out, Scalps Are In, says Army
WASHINGTON � The U.S. Army announced today that it would no longer use enemy body counts as a measure of how successful it was in killing insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pentagon Chief-of-Staff General Edward Cornwallis said the move is part of an overall plan to make the U.S. military presence overseas more �politically correct,� and was sparked by a direct request from the Taliban that it was de-moralizing to their troops and supporters.
Aug 2, 2009, 08:38
Early August Christmas in Full Swing at K-Mart
I'm no chronologist but I do know that Christmas is a time of reindeer, penguins, polar bears and bitter cold. Snow is hit and miss, and I guess that since none of these things exist in Puerto Rico, the launch of the Christmas season is open for interpretation. Thanks to K-Mart, we now know it starts in August. We were killing some time before a movie a few days ago, checking out the fine selection of toys at America's most mocked retailer, when the electronic chime of Christmas carols drifted from a few aisles over and drew us in with Pied Piper skill.
Aug 1, 2009, 06:39
Marijuana Bongs Recalled
San Francisco CA, � Bongs-R-Us, the nation's leading bong manufacturer, today recalled one million bongs. The reason for the recall: The bong users have reported that they are not getting high. College students and other marijuana smokers across the country have flooded the company's switchboard with calls stating that they have been failing to achieve a good buzz since they started using the company's latest bongs.
Jul 31, 2009, 21:38
Thai Tourists Scammed by More than Shemales
Bangkok's new showcase international airport has been mired in controversy ever since the first planning permission and construction tender bid bribes exchanged hands in a downtown Patpong ladyboy bar back in 2001. Built between 2002 and 2006 under the government of disgraced and exiled Prime Minister Foreskin Shitawaterat, the entire project was dogged by allegations of graft and corruption on a Biblical scale...
Jul 31, 2009, 09:41
Chocolate Doomsday Cult Calls it Quits
It was announced today that the doomsday cult calling itself Death by Chocolate has called it quits due to the fact that their original mission to eat themselves to death with chocolate has not quite gone as planned. Cult leader, the Divine Dove, stated that things were great up until around June when the heat hit and our refrigeration system went out. �We drank what we could of the melted chocolate, but it just wasn�t the same,� he said.
Jul 31, 2009, 07:51
Mansour Biden Unleashed
Washington � At a hastily called press briefing yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden blasted the New York Times for asserting in an editorial that a highly classified document on American missile defense was made public accidentally. �I expect better of the Times,� Biden told reporters. �It makes us look like the gang that couldn�t shoot straight. Instead of covering for us reflexively, they shoulda checked with us first. We woulda sworn �em to secrecy and told �em it wasn�t a security breach; it was a quid pro quo with Iran and North Korea.
Jul 30, 2009, 20:41
Student/Teacher Sex-Tape Leaked to Lackluster Reviews
ELK GROVE, CA - Teachers are always very thoughtful of educating their students. One Teacher here was nice enough to give her students a memento of the great times they had together during the School year. Too bad the video shows the Teacher in aggressive activity with her clothes off. The Video was supposed to be exclusively about timeless memories of the children sharing stories in class. Instead they get the Teacher sharing timeless memories to the viewer showing off her body with someone else. The unidentified teacher's name has not been released.
Jul 30, 2009, 12:49
Chinese Electro-Rendition for Web Addicts Banned
Possessing the world's largest online community, numbering over a billion users, China was forced to acknowledged it might have a problem with a growing digital-age scourge : internet addiction. Tens of millions of people of all ages, and from across the full spectrum of society, suffer from the compulsive use of chat rooms, online gaming and self-gratification porn� sites prompting the creation of government centres to treat the disorder.
Jul 30, 2009, 06:16
Pope Benedict's Little Secret, Hold the Nasty Habit
Rome, Italy - In an astounding moment in Christendom, the secret gay lifestyle of the pope was revealed morning by a 33 year-old waiter named Rodolfo Casel, at a small 10-table cafe close to the Vatican where he has worked for 5 years. Rodolfo is Pope Benedict XVI's lover. Rodolfo filled Glossy News in on the comings and goings of the Vicar of Christ. Known as B-dict away from the office, the pope sneaks away nights disguised as a Swiss guard. Then he goes to the cafe, actually more like a trattoria, just 3 blocks away.
Jul 29, 2009, 13:29
Hillary: Gore Threatened Me with Endorsement
In an interview with Salon Magazine, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton charged that in May of 2008, former Vice President Al Gore threatened to support her for President, over her objections. �When we learned that Al planned to come on board, Bill and I met with him in a K Street brothel Bill frequents�just the three of us and our Secret Service details. We pleaded with Al to endorse Senator Obama instead. He flatly refused, saying, �I helped you both get over the Lewinsky, uh, hump in �98 and that cost me the 2000 election. Well, here comes payback.�
Jul 29, 2009, 11:18
Dodgy Russians Pulling Out of UK
Russian zillionaire Oleg Mobsaroubles today informed the Oligarchs Gazette he is considering breaking off all connections with Britain owing to its recession-hit economy and the fact most of his kowtowing �brown envelope� MP�s were about to get axed from re-running at the next election due their dodgy expense claims.
Jul 29, 2009, 07:52
New Tory Laws Terrify Youth Offenders
Seizing children�s mobile phones, bicycles and Lego sets could deter them from getting into trouble, according to Wentworth Fuctifino, the Conservative Shadow Home Secretary. Fuctifino told the media that giving the national Plod Squad powers to confiscate children�s property could become a kind of �21st-Century kick up the proverbial arse.�
Jul 28, 2009, 06:03
President Palin Resigns- Cites Harsh Questions
Newly elected President Sarah Palin, just weeks after winning the 2012 election, suddenly resigned today just hours after her first offical press conference, citing "harsh questions, especially from Helen Thomas, who I thought had died years ago." Palin went on to complain about rumors that her other daughter, the one whose name nobody still knows, not Bristol, the other one, was pregnant now that she is 16 going on 17 and...
Jul 28, 2009, 04:29
Nation Slammed By Metric Tons Of Unsold Crap
The proliferation of unsold crap, which economists say began as early as November of 2007, continues to affect retailers nationwide as crap that nobody wants piles up on shelves and warehouse floors, untouched by consumers. Crap, which constitutes 90% of what is sold in the United States, has been steadily introduced to department stores, outlets, and retailers for as long as anyone can remember.
Jul 27, 2009, 21:28
Google Introduces Contextual Dating Service
Google, the Mountain View search behemoth, is rolling out its new relationship navigation software. Said one Beta tester; �In the first week after meeting Tiffany, I didn�t know whether I should be ringing her every day, hanging around her doorway in camouflage gear with a bottle of chloroform, or playing hard to get. I�d just bring up Google-lurve and the answer would be right in front of me.�
Jul 27, 2009, 07:36
Motor Mouth McKinney Takes on Israeli Opressors
Israeli naval forces week boarded a ship in the south-east Mediterranean attempting to carry aid and pro-Palestinian activists to the devastated Gaza Strip in defiance of Israel's illegal blockade of the territory. The 20-odd passengers included former US congresswoman Cynthia �Supergob� McKinney, Nobel Prize DIY awardee Frank Spencer, celebrity hotelier Basil Fawlty, world renown hide & seek champions Lord Lucan and Shergar...
Jul 27, 2009, 07:03
UNICEF Swine Flu Propaganda Targets Kids Worse than Cap'n Crunch
Swedish wooden toy makers Brio have joined up with UNICEF and the criminal World Health Organisation in developing a propaganda game set to target young children and convince them that the fake Sneezy Pig H1N1 swine flu viral pandemic is a real threat - and not more at scent than substance - so they�ll shout out aloud �Mummy! Mummy! I want my piggy wiggy flu vaccination right now...
Jul 26, 2009, 11:04
Red Light Districts Go Green: Brothels Offer Carbon-Neutral Dating
A German brothel is doing its bit to help the burgeoning carbon footprint reduction effort by going green in a bid to attract more business in tough economic times � and preserve the environment. Customers who arrive by bicycle at Berlin's �Smiley Face Slut�s Salon� will receive a five euro discount on the usual fee of 70 euros plus a free Black Mamba ribbed condom.
Jul 26, 2009, 08:31
Muppet Agenda Leads to Loose Jell-O Complacency
First we had to deal with the Diaper Industrial Complex, then the Hardline Pro-Potty Training Movement. Now I have to deal with the Muppet Agenda and the influence it has on people around me. It's bad enough they teach kids that a pig stalking a frog is "kind of cute" but now they're attacking our table manners. That's where I draw the line.
Jul 26, 2009, 06:13
First Straight Man to Wear Pink Shirt Dies
PASADENA, CA � The first straight man to wear a pink shirt died here yesterday of an over-inflated sense of fashion. He was 58. Joseph Strawser gained fame in the fashion world when he became the first straight man to cross the color barrier and wear a pink shirt in public. �It was a polo shirt, Lacoste I think, you know, the one with the little alligator on it,� said Jane Strawser, his wife of 25 years. �He wore it at a golf outing on June 14, 1983.�
Jul 25, 2009, 15:44
Trophy Wives Falling on Hard Times
High society is really taking a beating in economic crisis. The scores of trophy wives who have been left to fend for themselves by husbands caught in the unfortunate outing of greed and corruption on Wall Street are not taking their fall from status lying down�well, maybe they�ll take it lying down if the opportunity presents itself�anyway, there are many former well-to-do women out there who, because of the recent convictions of their high profile spouses, have begun to wonder, �will I ever shop at Gucci again?�
Jul 25, 2009, 10:24
College Graduate Unprepared For Unemployment, Layoffs, Stress & Corporate Politics
Any town, NH- A Glossy News study of spring's crop of college graduates has found that years class of graduates are ill prepared for unemployment, job layoffs, work related stress, and corporate politics. Britney Collins (Pictured) who recently earned a degree in finance from a prestigious east coast college, fears that she is not fully prepared for what awaits her in the workplace.
Jul 25, 2009, 07:00
Madoff RFD (ala Mayberry, Only Worse)
It was announced today that Bernard Madoff has finally found a prison home for the rest of his natural life, Mayberry RFD. As crazy as it sounds, Madoff�s attorney had put in a request that Madoff�s sentence be carried out at Otisville, NY, in order for him to be close to his family. Unfortunately, whoever received that request read it completely wrong and thought that Madoff was requesting to be imprisoned in the same cell where...
Jul 24, 2009, 22:01
Obama Administration Stunned by State Department Secession
Washington � Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declared today the State Department�s independence from the Obama Administration. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reported that President Obama reacted very coolly to the news. "His only comment," Gibbs said, was, �Let�s all be calm about and give everybody a few weeks to sort things out.�
Jul 24, 2009, 08:49
Extraterrestrial Contact Comes to Light in Aftermath of Jackson Funeral
In the world media�s struggle to find enough material to fill the void left by Michael Jackson�s death, it has come to light that a race of intelligent extraterrestrial life forms visited Earth in late June. Unfortunately, their presence went unnoticed by everyone except a few NASA scientists due to the world�s preoccupation with the death of the King of Pop.
Jul 24, 2009, 05:03
Hillary Trashes Bill on �Oprah�
Chicago - In a widely anticipated appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her sympathy to Jenny Sanford, the wife of admitted adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. To the audience�s surprise, Mrs. Clinton then addressed nagging questions about her own marriage to Bill Clinton. "Did I know Bill to abuse women? Yes. Did I know him to ignore his duties to pursue tawdry affairs? Of course."
Jul 23, 2009, 15:27
Controversy Erupts Over Bumper Stickers on Slow News Day
Small Town USA, Illinois � The controversial issue of how long it takes to remove the city registration vehicle sticker from a car window erupted week. Citizens with apparently little to do, protested in the local paper and to their alderman, that it takes them to long to remove their old vehicle stickers.
Jul 23, 2009, 13:20
First Lady Threatens Legal Action on Sotomayor Nomination
Washington � In an interview with Katie Couric morning, Michelle Obama revealed that she is suing the President for breach of contract over the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. "Over a hamburger on our first date in 1990, Barack and I pledged that whoever became President first would nominate the other to the Supreme Court. Even then, I knew every promise he made came with an expiration date [ht: NRO Corner], so I preserved a recording of the conversation, just in case.
Jul 23, 2009, 10:15
White House Claims Bush Torched California for Sport
New York - In the current edition of The Nation magazine, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel charges that President Bush is personally responsible for burning California's economy. "The devastating 2007 fires tipped California over the edge," Emanuel said. "What is not widely known is that President Bush, peeved at the 'Governator,' behaved badly during his 2007 visit to the fire-ravaged state, making the situation far worse and far more costly.�
Jul 22, 2009, 20:59
NHS: Shag a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
The UK�s inept National Health Service makes one of its more paradoxical statements - addressed to school children - by announcing their God-given right to 'an orgasm a day' � which in their profound wisdom consider might well keep the doctor away. The squirly NHS �roundabouts and swings� guidance is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health and relieving all manner of psychological stress.
Jul 21, 2009, 07:35
Masonic Lodge Raided for Witchcraft
A group of dodgy Freemason types were arrested and jailed in Fiji after superstitious local villagers complained to police the group were malevolent kiddie-snatching Satanists and practising witchcraft. The thirteen men, comprising a traditional Mason�s Dozen, included eight very iffy Australian transvestites, four New Zealand Maori half-caste sheep shaggers and some French- Tahitian twat dressed in suspenders and a corset going by the name of Pierre.
Jul 21, 2009, 06:18
Ku Klux Klan To Burn Eco-Friendly Crosses
SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. - In what has been dubbed the "green hate" movement, the Klu Klux Klan has unanimously resolved to burn only the most environmentally friendly crosses in an effort to make the world a more beautiful place to hate kikes and negros. "Our social harmony isn't the only thing being threatened, but our environmental harmony as well," said Thomas Robb, national director of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.
Jul 21, 2009, 05:59
Ex-RBS Bank Boss Gives Away Pension Fund
A British man who arrived at a Spanish airport on Wednesday, after having suffering a massive in-flight conscience attack, was taken into custody -- not for bad behaviour but for being too generous. It turned out that the tourist, Sir Fred Badwin, had recently received a huge early retirement pension pot of �700,000 per year and a multi-million pound tax-free lump sum as a reward for actually bankrupting the Royal Bank of Scumland � which had to be salvaged by the mainly unemployed British taxpayers.
Jul 20, 2009, 23:44
Biden Real Hero of Somali Pirate Standoff
In an interview with the Washington Post today, Vice President Joe Biden took credit for resolving the USS Bainbridge-Somali pirate standoff last April. "When we heard what was goin' down, I said, 'Boss, lemme go out there and take charge. Those guys are just working-class, blue collar pirates. I know howta get down 'n dirty with people like that if I hafta.' So the Big O says, 'Go for it, Joe.'"
Jul 20, 2009, 15:33
Bonkers Boris Puts Foot Deeo In It... Again
Certified squirly stand-up comedian and London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has described his �250,000 per annum for a weekly column scribbled for the Daily Shitraker as "chicken feed". The arrogant serial idiot later told the BBC's �Dog Wankers� programme that it was wholly reasonable for him take the second salary in addition to the measly �140,000 annual paycheque � plus performance bonuses, perks, and expenses - he gets for posing as a Dick Whittington wannabe too.
Jul 20, 2009, 07:34
Cheneys Evicted from Naval Observatory Following Biden Revelation
WASHINGTON DC - In a rare governmental move, the self-made non-executive Vice President and his wife were summarily evicted from their government-supported residence at the US Naval Observatory in Washington, DC today. When Cheney claimed last week that his office is not part of the executive branch, wheels in the GAO began to spin. Officials there said, referring to the "Plum book" - a directory of office phone numbers/addresses in the government, that Cheney's statement would "automatically erase him from the listing."
Jul 19, 2009, 13:38
UK Gets Hots Over Genocides Past
War crimes suspects from Rwanda and the Balkans � and other nasty Third World shitholes - living in Britain could be tried in the UK under plans outlined by Injustice Secretary Jack Straw in response to recent warnings from human rights campaigners that the UK was becoming the first choice safe haven and holiday break destination for fugitive war criminals � especially so during Wimbledon fortnight. Under the proposals, anyone having their names in Amnesty International�s �Naughty Book� and suspected of war crimes � since 1991 - ten years earlier than the current law allows - could be prosecuted in a UK court.
Jul 19, 2009, 13:18
Manchester Museum Hires Live-In Hermit
Mr. Kermit Tiswas, a career hermit with an MA in Advanced Seclusion, has begun 40 days of isolation inside a Gothic tower at Manchester Museum. The 95-year old - who likes to be known as Kermit the Hermit - previously lived in a Wythenshawe Park tree, from which he was evicted by council bailiffs earlier year for shitting on passers-by � now plans to contemplate things "lost" and the impact the imminent extinction of the human race might have on the 2012 Olympics during his confinement.
Jul 19, 2009, 03:45
Batman Themed Pajamas More Fun Under the Age of 8
No man is an island but some men, I've come to learn, are billionaire tycoon Bruce Wayne. While we may lack his fortune we've got his bat-like agility down to an artistic science and by that I mean we hang around, flop like nuts and ultimately get the job done. We normally go pretty crazy for Halloween, but year we've been so busy with school, getting ready for a big move and trying to figure out which colors are which,* we just haven't had time to hammer out the holidays like we have in years past.
Jul 18, 2009, 06:13
Frogs Top "Worst Tourists" Survey
According to a recent global survey by the TTRA-funded Bad Manners Review, French tourists are the worst to tolerate on God�s Earth where travel matters are concerned. The survey canvassed 450,000 hotels and resorts worldwide, some of them no more than grass huts and beach front sheds, to rank tourists on their behaviour abroad.
Jul 18, 2009, 06:07
Tony Bliar: A Planet-Saving Kinda Guy � Que?
New Labour�s former Chief Scumbag and Spin Merchant Tony Blair joins ranks with the insidious global warming alarmists and is flogging a novel green masterplan fresh from the scheme tank of his Rothshite New World Order masters. evangelist � nay Messiah - for world-saving green technology claims it won�t mean giving up our energy-rich lifestyle but it will cost us � yes us � the tax-payers - ��$$ zillions.
Jul 18, 2009, 03:00
Brown 'Troop Deaths a Sign of Success' Que?
The UK forces mission in Afghanistan is showing "signs of success", Prime Minister Gordon "Incapability" Brown insists, despite the deaths of 15 soldiers in 10 days. Que? is that a sample of Gordon's maths ratios? God knows what our addle-brained unelected leader would have made of the British losses during the World War One 1916 Battle of the Somme -- a series of brilliant tactical accomplishments perhaps.
Jul 17, 2009, 15:02
Sorcery Industry Unaffected by Recession
The UK's Jobcentre Plus website is advertising a "Wicked Witch" vacancy with Dark Ages theme park Nookey Hole, in Scumerset, for '50,000 a year ' plus added benefits, pension scheme and a guaranteed annual Halloween bonus ' and includes a custom-built supercharged broomstick that comes with the job. The witch, who has to live in the site's caves ' up to her knees in bat shit - is expected to teach witchcraft and magic, cast spells and curses, mix potions and not be a squeamish or do-gooder type.
Jul 17, 2009, 13:13
Gen Motors Reveals New Problem Solving Worksheet
Detroit - In the first of many steps aimed at improving it's business, General Motors today adopted a new problem solving methodology that it hopes will lead it to increased productivity and quicker problem resolution. G.M. CEO Rick Wagoner indicated today that step is one of many ideas to come that the firm will be adopting to better reinvent their business and stay competitive in the new global marketplace.
Jul 17, 2009, 05:46
Woman Arrested for Noisy Sex
An unemployed Scumdale-on-Sea woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order) banning her from being noisy during sex. Neighbours complained of hearing Fellatia Sodomberg, a 17-year old mother of three, howling in orgasmic ecstasy and her bed's headboard banging against the wall at her home in Nymphomania Terrace while she reportedly masturbated with a variety of seasonal salad vegetables ' including one of Pukesbury's 'Snobs' range of finest Mediterranean cucumbers.
Jul 16, 2009, 15:55
Palin to Build her Vice Presidential Library in Wasilla
WASILLA, AK - Imagine the surprise to the people of Wasilla, Alaska when their former governor, and former-former town mayor Sarah Palin, announced that she would begin building her Vice Presidential Library in the Brett Memorial Ice Arena that was the town's hockey rink. "I decided that I could just as good use the rink right by my home here as my library now that I don't have an office anymore in the state and I do need to have an office to continue my work for the good of the country.
Jul 16, 2009, 13:29
Male Midwife: "Women Need to Harden the F**k Up!"
The United Kingdom's leading male midwife, Dr Dennis Walsh, associate professor of midwifery at Nottingham University, has told woman that they need to "harden the fuck up and stop being a bunch of sooks". He made the announcement in a paper submitted to the journal: Evidence Based Midwifery entitled "Why squeezing an oddly shaped basketball through a hole smaller than a tennis ball, doesn't hurt that much and you should stop moaning about it".
Jul 16, 2009, 05:08
Fast Walking Employee Admits Having Nothing To Do
Chicago, Illinois - An employee observed at a downtown business, always walking very fast around the office, recently confirmed what a few of his coworkers already suspected. The employee who wished to remain anonymous, stated that all though he always makes an effort to walk fast when moving about the office, he really has very little to do. When pressed, the employee confirmed that since he has fewer responsibilities now and only two people to supervise, that he often has very little actual work.
Jul 15, 2009, 13:55
Failed Rail Re-Nationalised for Fun & Profit
A Whitehall snitch, (Wilton Thort-Nott) speaking on conditions of anonymity with reporters last night in Soho�s infamous Pikey�s Arms public house, revealed, for a modest thirty pieces of silver, a swift snort of coke and a pint of Headbanger lager, that the government is to take the East Coast Rattletrack rail service, run by PFI incompetents National Excess, back into public ownership. The troubled rail franchise, which is expected to have lost what financial experts refer to as...
Jul 15, 2009, 09:44
Pope Benedict Declars "Miracles, Why Not?"
A string of miracles attributed to 15th Century Spanish Dominican Cardinal Tommy Torquemada has been recognised by Pope Benny � the all-new German built-to-last Mk.XVI papal model. The Vatican has approved claims the cardinal's intervention cured thousands of infidels, Jews, Muslim, Pancake Tuesday Adventists and other heathen types of their heresy after being tortured at his hands � who all went on to gain entry to the Christian Heaven and sit at the right hand of God � until things got ridiculously overcrowded and some had to sit on His left.
Jul 15, 2009, 06:04
Secret Obama Health Strategy Leaked, Leaky
Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward revealed today that a high-level White House source has provided him with transcripts of Obama War Room strategy sessions. " President wastes no time in identifying a problem and pushing his staff to come up with solutions," said Woodward. "Here is an excerpt from a recent meeting at the White House on health care reform":
Jul 14, 2009, 09:59
Armed Assault Classes; Teacher 3: Pupils 0
A Smegmashire crafts teacher has been arrested after a 14-year old pupil at a local Catholic school suffered serious head injuries during an arts and crafts class and is being held on suspicion of attempted murder, police spokesman PC Bazzer Fuctifino told reporters from the gutter press � for a small consideration. The 95-year old teacher Wilf Scrunt, a reformed rhubarb addict, known jokingly as the �Nutty Professor�, is also being questioned about the alleged assaults on two other Year 8 pupils during the same incident at the St. Sodoms School for Latter Day Psychopaths in Dorksford on Wednesday afternoon.
Jul 14, 2009, 05:35
Pedophobia Sparks Total Grown-up Ban at Sports Day
Outraged parents were banned from attending their children's annual school sports day to protect pupils from potential child abductors and paedophiles. More than 270 male and female pupils from four primary schools in Smegmashire took part in the St. Sodoms Sports Partnership Athletics Day.
Jul 14, 2009, 04:36
Employee Leaves Vacation Voicemail Greeting for 18-Months
Detroit, MI. - John Smith works at large American auto manufacture. Like most of his coworkers, when Mr. Smith went on vacation he always updated his voice mail greeting with a notice of his time off and contact assistance for while he was out. Also like most of his coworkers, Mr. Smith used to always immediately remove his vacation voice mail greeting when ever he returned to work.
Jul 13, 2009, 05:08
Starbucks Find Cure For - Que? - Alzheimer�s
Drinking five cups of coffee a day could reverse the memory problems manifested by Alzheimer's Disease, according to staff at a High Street Starbucks cafe in Smegmadale. The experimental research, carried out by bored counter staff and waitresses on mice, also suggested caffeine hampered the production of the protein plaques which are the hallmark of the disease.
Jul 13, 2009, 04:58
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Loony Bin
Socialite heiress Paris Hilton, the hedonistic wastrel great grand-daughter of hotel chain founder Harris Hilton, arrived in Dubai yesterday to promote her �In search of a new BFF� reality TV show and interview candidates from the city state�s underground Lonely Lesbian Club. Hilton was featured in one segment of her show cuddled up close and personal with a muzzled camel which prompted programme producer Billy Bob Scruntberg to tell a reporter from the Squanderer�s Gazette �Hey, you know Paris � she�s always ready for a kinky hump.�
Jul 13, 2009, 00:46
War Criminals Pack Wimbledon Stands
The Centre Court at Wimbledon last Sunday saw a plethora of famous faces and porcine celebrity past-its packed into the stands to watch the men's singles final between Roger Federer of Cuckoo Clock Land and Andy Roddick of the good ole� US of A. While Gorbals-bred Man� United boss Alex �See you Jimmy� Ferguson was happy to suffer bare-headed third degree sunburn...
Jul 12, 2009, 15:50
World/News Stops to Mourn Michael Jackson
The world stopped today to watch the funeral of Michael Jackson, a 50 year old man who could sing and dance exceptionally well in the 80's and who really, really, really loved children. As every news network stayed tuned with morbid fascination to his funeral, people across the world, who purchased his "best of" album 10 years ago and have been playing it continuously in the last week watched every detail of his last moments.
Jul 12, 2009, 10:35
Bill Clinton: Why Hillary Lost
Washington - In his first in-depth interview since the election, former President Bill Clinton said he warned Mrs. Clinton early on that she needed to project a tougher image to attract independents. "We had a great TV spot ready to run in the battleground states," Clinton told CNN�s Larry King, "but Hillary thought it made her look too hawkish and nixed it. That was probably a mistake."
Jul 12, 2009, 10:19
Sarah Palin Wins 2009 Nobel Economics Prize
Des Moines, IA � "I would like to express my deepest gratitude for very noble prize bestowed upon me for my work on the economy of buying and selling lemons in the Arctic." With these words, Gov. Sarah Palin thanked the Nobel Prize Committee in Sweden for their nomination of her for their 2008 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economics. Her press conference speech continued, "Lemons have been around since the dawn of trade.
Jul 11, 2009, 14:36
World's Largest Nude Woman Sculpture Arouses Locals, Ire
Dubbed "Goddess of the Numpty North", Scumlandia will be made from two million tonnes of earth and slag dug out from an open cast mine at Scumdale, then topped with turf nicked at night from the nearby Scumford Sands Golf Course, and eventually tower hundreds of feet into the gray polluted skies. The Goddess, designed by artist Wentworth Fuctifino to represent the Gaia / Earth Mother principle, will recline over the Shitton open-cast mine and form the centre piece of a new public environmental park...
Jul 11, 2009, 10:05
Rogue Afghan Guards Snuff Police Chief
Forty-one US military trained Afghan guards, working for American private security firm Slackbladder / Xe have been arrested following a shootout in which Kandahar's provincial police chief was killed. Over fifty other policemen were snuffed and wounded after the Slackbladder / Xe guards, who are employed by US security forces, entered the Attorney General�s office at the Kandahar city prison - locked and loaded - and opened fire when told they would have to make an appointment and come back another day.
Jul 11, 2009, 01:09
Absent-Minded Kid Attacked by Unmoving Rogue Wall
On a pretty normal day, a day not unlike today, I expressed midway through a movie-film that it was time for me to take my leave and empty my teeniest, tiniest bladder against the best chronological conveniences of those around me. Mind you, we've had all kinds of problems with movie theaters in Puerto Rico, but none compared in my mind to the assault I suffered unto the face upon merely not paying attention to where I was walking.
Jul 10, 2009, 06:30
Reporters Continuing Standing in Rain, Speaking in Strange Voices
Reporters across New Zealand today have been pledged that they will continue to stand at the scene, where something not particularly interesting happened hours previously, if there was a slight chance that it would give the story the appearance of real journalism or at least trick you into thinking it was interesting. They have also confirmed that they will interview other journalists at the station with pre-supplied questions and...
Jul 10, 2009, 02:21
Scandal-Happy Mandeslson Masterfully Plays Puppet Brown
The rodent-faced Lord Peter Scandalson of Slimeborough � aka �Vermin in Ermine� - stitched up a deal with New Labour�s deadweight PM Gordon �Culpability� Brown for a tame Iraq inquiry to protect his former mentor Tony Bliar, according to a report leaked to the Rumour Mill Gazette. Business Secretary Scandalson apparently coerced the inept Brown by giving the numpty clot a Chinese burn and poking him in his good eye...
Jul 10, 2009, 01:02
Gary McKinnon Marked for Hacking Real X-Files
A demonstration on behalf of Gary McKinnon was held outside the Home Office in London yesterday afternoon with protesters hurling cobs of fermenting chocolate blancmange and lumps of steaming aardvark shite at Home Secretary Jacqui Smith when she appeared on her third floor office balcony, ordering the assembly to �Be quiet and fuck off�.
Jul 9, 2009, 04:55
Political Reality TV From Donald Trump
Trump Tower, New York City, NY The Donald has done it again by trumping the networks out of yet another reality show. time it is a totally political show about running for president and the winner gets to actually be President for a day. Donald Trump announced that his new show tentatively titled "Big Bro 45" would be a cash cow for his production company with ratings going off the charts in all the big markets.
Jul 9, 2009, 04:41
Bloggers: The New Domestic Terrorists
A virulent assault by John Fartingan, the CEO of Rupert Mudrock�s �Skewed News Limited�, has labeled bloggers and alternative media sources as �domestic terrorists�, with Fartingan stating bloggers should be emasculated and jailed in Europe as they are in oppressive police states like Australia, the US, Saudi Arabia and China.
Jul 9, 2009, 01:34
Crackdown On Illegal Parking Extends to Your Own Driveway
TOLEDO, OH - Forget the Mayor and Recall Him! Times are hard everywhere, and Towns are looking for revenue. In Town the people are getting a Toledo Blade in their butt. What does brilliant Mayor do to get revenue? He screws the people who voted for him by cracking down on a Law for illegal parking in your own driveway. same Mayor is going to be in a Recall Election. For Mayor, that�s the ticket.
Jul 8, 2009, 09:10
NY Teachers Paid to Sit on Their Asses
Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offences ranging from kiddie fiddling to bank robbery and domestic terrorism are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing with themselves, surfing the Internet or throwing arrows at a Barack Obama dartboard. Because union contracts make it extremely difficult to fire tenured teachers for anything less than first degree murder or genocide...
Jul 8, 2009, 02:29
Heartless Bank Taking Souls as Collateral... No, Seriously
A private finance company in loopy Latvia is offering residents loans secured by nothing more than their immortal soul. The Riga-based firm, �Lucifer Loans�, does not require a credit history record or proof of employment and grants loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) to any adult of 16 years or older after he or she signs a short agreement - in their own blood.
Jul 8, 2009, 02:28
Laura Bush Endorses Smoking, Drinking, Light Coke Usage
Washington DC, Wondering what Laura Bush has been up to lately? Intrigued by her complete absence of any public appearances standing by her man, President George W.Bush, Glossy News recently set out to find out what the First Lady has been doing. Turns out, not too much more than smoking her favorite cigarettes and drinking beer. That's right, whether she is down home on the ranch in Crawford or at home in the White House, apparently Laura Bush has been spending much of her...
Jul 7, 2009, 04:35
Uglies to be Banned from Wimbledon's Centre Court
The All England Club, the hosts and organisers of the Wimbledon tennis tournament, have stated that they will be banning all ugly female competitors or "uggos" from centre court in favour of "young, tight, taut, babes, with, ooh yes, that's the stuff!" Ugly female players will only have the opportunity to play if they are in the top 3 and promise to wear a bag over their head, otherwise, the best spots will be given to 18 year old Italians.
Jul 7, 2009, 03:11
White Supremacist Nutter Targeted Wimbledon
The sacred Isle of Rockall is today reeling in shock and awe at breaking news of a Special Branch investigation of local man Fingal McTwat, arrested on charges related to terrorist activities. McTwat had been traveling from Rockall to Liverpool on the daily car ferry, where he got drunk in the saloon bar and urinated down the leg of Pandit Jaffacake, a Pakistani waiter, while uttering several racist insults concerning Mr. Jaffacake�s mother.
Jul 7, 2009, 00:51
Wal-Mart Offers Savings, Convenience, Bio-Hazardous Bathrooms
What in the hell is going on with Wal-Mart's restrooms? I don't care what time of day or which Wal-Mart I visit, their restrooms are deplorable. Granted a lot of people use their restrooms but damn! How about a little bleach, Ajax, Pine-sol or something? It's not like they can't find cleaning supplies - the store is full of them. Saturday, I had to use one of their restrooms on Hallandale Beach Blvd. When I walked in that restroom I nearly threw up.
Jul 6, 2009, 12:45
Rothschild Bank Slavery Shame Magically Absolved
Two of the biggest establishment names in the City of London have previously undisclosed links to slavery in the British colonies � from which they profited greatly � according to a report in the current issue of the gutter press Scandal Rakers Gazette. Nathan Mayer Rothshite, the Zionist Kike banking family�s 19th Century patriarch, and Homer J. Crapfield, founder of Crapfields, an ambulance-chasing City law firm, benefited financially from slavery to the tune of millions of gold guineas...
Jul 6, 2009, 05:48
Lost Ark-Nappers Admit Possession, Faithful Hesitant to Rejoice
The patriarch of the Orthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Ethiopia says he will announce to the world today his schedule for the unveiling of the Ark of the Covenant. Apparently piece of Biblical era flatpack furniture is claimed to be history�s most prized archaeological and spiritual artefact, which has been hidden away in the dusty shithole cellar of an Ethiopian church for two and a half millenniums, according to the Italian news agency Corruptioni Press.
Jul 6, 2009, 04:18
Non-Kosher Electrons Technically Anti-Semitic
A story on the front page of the Daily Whinger reports that an orthodox Jewish couple are suing their neighbours in a block of flats at Smegmadale-on-Sea because they claim an automatic security light breaks a religious prohibition and discriminates against them. Mrs. Dimwitty Dorkberg, the head teacher of the Jewish orthodox St. Schmuck�s College of Latter Day Foreskin Choppers, and her klutz of a husband Sheldon, claim they are kept prisoner in their holiday flat on the Sabbath...
Jul 5, 2009, 05:56
Asylum Seeker Repatriations: Meg-Bucks Coup or Flop?
A multi-million pound scheme formulated by the UK government to help failed asylum seekers and their children return home to their Third World shithole countries of origin resulted in just one family being repatriated, according to a Whitehall report leaked to the Welfare Spongers Gazette.
Jul 5, 2009, 05:11
Ex-Homeland Security Secretary To Auction Duct Tape Collection
Pittsburgh, PA - Ex-Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today announced, through the New York auction company Sotheby's, that on August 1-3, 2008, he will hold a personal auction of his sizeable collection of duct tape. The collection is rumored to be close to 365 million rolls in all 25 of the colors available. When asked why he is downsizing amazing collection.
Jul 5, 2009, 04:27
Administration to Pre-empt Iran by Nuke Israel First
Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward has released another transcript of a recent White House strategy session, one devoted to the looming Iran-Israel confrontation. "My source," Woodward said, "whom I refer to cryptically in my upcoming book as 'Hillary,' allowed me to listen to the tape, and the exchange below is accurately represented"...
Jul 4, 2009, 10:14
Welfare Scammer a Dead Ringer for Deceased Mother
A New York man has been arrested for impersonating his dead mother in order to claim $415,000 in social security benefits and rent subsidies � and get a regular endorphin-boosting transgender experience high. Seymour Slimeberg, 49, is accused by prosecutors of regularly dressing up in a wig, two-piece and pearls, and make-up in order to �look like Mummy� and fool the authorities.
Jul 4, 2009, 05:53
IRS Roosts on Top Spot of "Hugest Cocks" List
The IRD (New Zealand's IRS department) are vying to return to the top spot of New Zealand biggest arseholes. After being bumped from the long running number 1 spot, by money grabbing banks and horny politicians, the Inland Revenue Department is now going to new lengths to prove to New Zealand that they truly are pure evil, demanding that you now hand over your first born in-lieu of back taxes.
Jul 4, 2009, 02:02
Safety Rules Saves Lives, Ruins Childhoods
UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children. Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre...
Jul 3, 2009, 07:42
Study Finds Red Necks, Trailer Trash, Criminals And Sex Offenders Live In Trailer Parks
Washington DC - The Federal Office of Minimum Living Standards (OMLS) recently concluded a two year, multi million dollar study of mobile trailer parks. The findings of study, outlines how mobile home trailer parks are populated with red necks, trailer trash. hookers, petty criminals and convicted sex offenders. The report published last month concludes in most cases almost all residents of trailer parks are red necks.
Jul 3, 2009, 04:23
Greedy Grocer Super-Slim Salads Packed with FAT
Pre-packed salads are definitely not the healthier option, with some supermarket lunchtime snackie items higher in calories and fat than a Big Mick Greasy Burger and High-Col� Toxic Twisty Fries from the local Chew n Spew - according to a report in the current issue of the �Heart Attack Gazette�. Researchers from �Slob� and �Couch Spud� magazines also looked at 20 different salad combinations from the major �Eat Healthy� deli� counters...
Jul 3, 2009, 00:48
Webster to Redefine "Unemployed", "Lazy" to Remain Unchanged
Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25�s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) � and 100% of over-25�s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits. When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler�s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for...
Jul 2, 2009, 17:03
Puerto Rico Children's Museum No Place for Kids
We took a trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico last week and we saw a bunch of newsworthy things that really rocked the boat of our ability to take the cake. We'll cover all of them in uncomfortable detail in coming weeks, but first I have to point out the horrible travesty on child-named attractions that is the Puerto Rico Children's Museum. All I can say is that it's no place for kids.
Jul 2, 2009, 06:31
Trust Me, I'm a Pilot: Que?
Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast. A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain"s Mallorca Palma Airport.
Jul 2, 2009, 03:41
Michael Jackson, The King of Freaks, death finally starting to look interesting.
The general public are breathing a collective sigh of relief, as facts emerge following Michael Jackson's death, showing that his death was not as normal as first thought. Initially, it seemed the King of Freaks had died from a normal, run of the mill, heart attack induced by stress; as opposed to trying to fly like Peter Pan or getting attacked by a chimp as he tried to dress it in human clothes for his daily tea party.
Jul 1, 2009, 22:43
Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction
An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall. The �Fenian Jolly Jihad� group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan�s Swat Valley.
Jul 1, 2009, 14:58
Employee Bathroom Time Monitored With New Electronic Hand Dryer
Detroit, Mi- While most employees now are aware that their employers can monitor their phone and email communications, many may not be aware of a new trend being seen in companies across the country. The latest trend in employee monitoring has extended in to the corporate bathroom. Aided by new finger print recognition technology, those electronic hand dryers mounted on bathroom walls are keeping tabs on how much time individual employees spend in the bathroom.
Jul 1, 2009, 04:20
Soulja Boy Yet to Register with Selective Service
ARLINGTON,VA--In an impromptu press conference held outside Arlington Headquarters, Ernest Garcia, Acting Director of the Selective Service, revealed that 19 year-old DeAndre Ramone Way, popularly known as Soulja Boy, has yet to register with the agency. "It is a well-known fact that all able-bodied males between the ages of 18 and 25 are required by law to register with the Selective Service," Garcia said.
Jun 30, 2009, 06:14
Iran Arrests UK's "Baker's Dozen" Agents Provocateur
The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as �a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies� and �imperialist agents provocateur�. The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK�s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their �considerable role� in post-election demonstrations � from inciting riots to...
Jun 30, 2009, 02:32
BBC Now Covering Non-News & Mass Distraction, aka Human Interest
The BBC �Front Page� news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) � the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age. Earth-shattering front page announcement will no doubt reverberate throughout the known Universe for Time Immemorial and alter the way everyday shit-for-brains peasants conceive the Divine Meaning - and Purpose - of Life and the Immortal Soul.
Jun 30, 2009, 00:13
Speaker Election Turns into Monkey-Style Poo-Fling Extravaganza
The race to become the most powerful House of Commons Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret �Hanging Baskets� Beckett as their anti-reform candidate. Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she�s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.
Jun 29, 2009, 09:18
Chinese Chopsticks Recalled
Bejing, China � In a rather difficult scenario, China has recalled all of its recently shipped, disposable wood chopsticks � in excess of 45 billion pairs � the equivalent to about 25 million trees. China's governmental food spokesperson, Chiu Ree, said the problem is centered on the chemical makeup of the lacquer that is applied to the chopsticks in the finishing process. Lead has been discovered in the paint and lacquer by the testing body.
Jun 29, 2009, 04:48
Cops Steal Millions, Decide Not to Arrest
More than 300 of the UK�s elite Scotland Yard �Plod Squad� are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards � presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP�s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker. Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism...
Jun 29, 2009, 02:20
Daley Makes Plans for Gitmo Prisoners, Warns Welcome Wagoneers
Chicago's Mayor for Life, Richard M. Daley, has sent his emissary to Washington DC to lobby President Obama to house the Gitmo prisoners in Chicago. The undisclosed emissary has the Mayor's agreement to grant the 240 prisoners work-release jobs in the new parking meter concession for the city. Mayor Daley has dubbed his latest profit-seeking offering "Git Mo' Chicago". Daley plans (with Obama's help) big things for these offshore prisoners.
Jun 28, 2009, 05:16
Prince Charles: Mongrel AND Wastrel?
British taxpayers involuntarily funded the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle of the bat-eared Prince of Wales to the tune of �30 million last year - an annual rise of almost 25% in the midst of a global recession, according to Clarence House accounts. The main cost was a 48% rise in official travel by air and rail, which increased to �10:75 million.
Jun 28, 2009, 03:09
Al Qaeda Split Over Obama Overtures
A source in al Qaeda's inner circle tells Al Jazeera that hardliners oppose Osama bin Laden's decision to alter the organization's tactics in response to President Barack Obama's effort to reach out to the Muslim world. "Mahmoud," one of the dissenters, provided Al Jazeera an audio tape containing portions of a recent conversation between Bin Laden and his second-in-command, Aimen Zawaheri, that purportedly took place in Pakistan�s tribal no-go area:
Jun 28, 2009, 01:24
Who/What Got Laid in Argentina, Stays in Argentina
Argentina Airlines, the offical airline of Argentina and points west, has released their new ad campaign and slogan today: "What got laid in Argentina, Stays in Argentina." When asked if was a rip off of the Las Vegas slogan "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas," Pat McGroin, Argentina Airlines spokesman said, "yes and no. Yes, it is a rip off of that slogan, and no, we are not going to pay them for it."
Jun 27, 2009, 18:02
White House Unhappy Cuba Eavesdropping On US Phone Calls
Washington DC, Today the white house released evidence that the Cuban government has been eavesdropping on American telephone conversations placed both a the Guantanamo Bay naval base in Cuba as well as of domestic phone calls in the southern united states. At a white house news conference today held by president Bush and CIA director Porter J. Goss, the Bush administration showed their evidence of spying...
Jun 27, 2009, 09:12
Roundup: Good News & Bad: The Good News is it's All Bad
Prospective buyers from around the globe, including North Korea, China and Somalia, have been calling auctioneers Floggit & Sons concerning the sale of a 76-acre stretch of Cornish beach. Shitdale Sands near St. Scabs has been put up for auction, with a guide price of �50,000. The Shitdale Sands beach has been owned for the past 19 years by a certain reclusive...
Jun 27, 2009, 07:45
City Council Manhandles Delicates Issue of Thongs
A recent ordinance passed by the City Council of Yakima, Washington prohibits the showing of what is delicately being called� cleavage of the buttocks� in public. The thong issue was first thought to be the result of the ruckus caused by the Starbucks coffee chain raunchy early version of its now famous logo. But that issue had already been toned down by their advertising agency and it no longer exposes the mermaid�s finer attributes.
Jun 26, 2009, 08:54
Half-Blood Prince Harry Strips Title, Pants
British Royal Cuckoo Prince Harry is still the toast of the Big Apple week. Throngs of unemployed peasants have lined the streets of Manhattan to greet Britain�s popular pisshead prince with open arms � and in the ladies� case � also open legs. Little do they realize that ginger minger Harry could soon be stripped of his royal title because it�s quickly becoming widespread public knowledge he�s not the biological son of bat-eared weirdo Prince Charles, an investigation undertaken by the Daily Shitraker has revealed.
Jun 26, 2009, 03:22
Is Top Gear's "The Stig" a Secret Tory MP?
To viewers of the Top Gear petrol-head show, he is the androgynous Transformer : part Man / part Cyberdork - whose arteries course with low-cholesterol STD oil additives. But the true substance of �The Stig�, the BBC motoring programme�s reclusive Mystery-Bot racing driver, was revealed yesterday to be somewhat more prosaic.
Jun 26, 2009, 00:37
Iran Elections: White Beared Nut Job Supports Black Bearded Nut Job ; Everyone Riots
Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country's leading expert on a book written nearly 2 millennia ago, has given his support to the disputed leader of Iran; Mahmoud Ahmadinjad. The pair have decided to invoke Iran's often used constitution, with regards to disputed results, in fixed elections, namely the; "Government knows best and shut your pie-hole before a crazed, masked government militia member blows your head off" bill.
Jun 25, 2009, 05:39
Whitehouse Names New Shah Czar for Iran
Washington�s �Alice in Wonderland� Masonic Zionist fantasy foreign policy schemes regarding the Islamic Republic of Iran have now seen the Manifest Destiny quest for regime change choose a new ruler and prime minister. The Obama administration�s desired form of government would be a Constitutional Monarchy, with the Head of State being Reza Pahlavi, the wastrel scumbag son...
Jun 25, 2009, 02:53
Chicago 2016 Olympics Bid Rejected, Blago To Rebid
Chicago, IL - A number of IOC International Olympic Committee members are in Chicago for the International Boxing Championships week and they are being squired about the city in limos and housed in regal splendor at the Ritz Carleton's Four Seasons Hotel on North Michigan Avenue. On Sunday evening, Glossy News gained entrance to the Hospitality suite set up for the IOC members and discovered that there is a big problem with the Chicago 2016 bid.
Jun 25, 2009, 00:03
Israeli PM OKs Palestinian State "As Long As We Can Bomb You for Sport"
The Israeli Prime Minister, Mr Netanyahu, surprised many today. Giving a speech on the future of the Middle East peace process, he stated that he would support a separate Palestinian state. He then no doubt, put many Israeli's minds at ease when he listed a long list of conditions which he knows only to well, no neighbouring peaceful state would agree to, let alone a neighbouring state that they have been at war with on and off of 60 years would agree on.
Jun 24, 2009, 05:56
NASA Moon Mission Actually Ploy to Bomb Iran
The US O�Barmy government�s plan to bring forward NASA�s scheduled October 2009 �Moon bombing� to coming week has sinister connotations according to one Washington rumour mill. A NASA lunar orbiter was scheduled to bomb the Moon�s surface with a two ton kinetic explosive device to create a five mile wide crater in a purported search for water. However the re-scheduling of the mission to next week has been...
Jun 24, 2009, 03:09
If I Didn't Find You So Repulsive We'd Totally Be Compatible
I have to say, Cliff, it�s not very often that I meet someone like you, someone I just seem to click with. We have so much in common, that were it not for the fact I am totally repulsed by the thought of any type of mouth-to-mouth contact with you, we would make a really great couple. Don�t get me wrong, I am sure many women would consider you to be a real catch. The fact you have all your hair and aren�t horribly disfigured or anything, seems to be a real selling point for the ladies these days.
Jun 24, 2009, 01:07
Scandel-Plagued Brit MP Grateful Cow Attack Distracts
Former scandal-ridden Home Secretary David Blindgit is recovering after being repeatedly charged and injured by an old cow in Derbyshire. The incident happened on Saturday while the blind Mr Blunkett was out walking in the Peak District on his 92nd birthday with faithful guide dog Sloppy, and looking for loose women to have his babies. Bonkett apparently heard the old cow charging towards him, and slipping off his Matalan overcoat, turned to meet the oncoming bovine beast matador-fashion.
Jun 23, 2009, 07:01
Old Joke Keeps Getting Funnier, Scientists Baffled
CHICAGO, IL.� Humorologists at The University Of Chicago, where fun goes to die, are currently wrestling with what appears to be an old joke that continues to get funnier with each and every telling. "The joke clearly violates the law of conservation of humor, which states that the funniness of a joke is inversely proportional to the number of times it is told," said Jojo Titterbags, professor of modern jocularities. "We may very well be looking at the Higgs boson of jokes, or as we humorologists call it, the Higglesworth banoonza."
Jun 23, 2009, 04:04
London Bus Tour Bores Passenger to Death
A Polish tourist who purchased a �Live Tours London� bus ticket was driven around the city thirty-four times after staff failed to spot he had died en route, an inquest heard in evidence. Pawel Snuffsky, 85, died during his trip on the tour bus, but stayed in the garage overnight and was still in his seat when the bus went out the following day.
Jun 23, 2009, 01:04
Laura Bush's New Book: "Pleasures of Masturbation"
Chicago - Laura Bush today announced the publication of her second book entitled The Pleasures of Masturbation. Appearing on the Oprah Winfrey show in Chicago, Mrs. Bush revealed to the audience of mostly women, her latest publication. Mrs. Bush's new book is decidedly geared towards a different market than her previous endeavor. In April of year Mrs. Bush and her daughter Jenna authored a children's book called �Read All About It!"
Jun 22, 2009, 19:53
Biz Fined Over Rodent Breed - Correction: Rodent Bread
Sheamus Murphy, an Irishman, got the shock of his life when he opened a loaf of bread and found a whole mouse inside. North Bonkersford Magistrates Court heard how Murphy had purchased the Rodent �s Delight malt loaf from a Grotty Grocer supermarket in the Ballyvermin area for a Christmas party last year.
Jun 22, 2009, 05:21
Celeb Chef Ramsay Says "So F'ing Sorry"
Celebrity foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay, who possesses a Master�s degree in Profanity, apologized following a major Numpty Dumpty row with an Australian TV host because his mother told him �If yer don�t say �sorry� to the stupid dingbat cow I�ll stop yer pocket money an� I want me trifle and scones recipes back.� The blaspheming TV chef was branded a 'pommie scumbag' by none other than Australia�s chief scumbag himself...
Jun 22, 2009, 03:18
Kung Fu Hookers Crack Down on Smack Downs: Seriously
Prostitutes in the southern Indian state of Tamil Nadu (renown for its piquant Madras pussy � and curries)) have begun taking karate lessons to protect themselves from violent customers and greedy pimps. The women say they were so fed up with abuses � such as having one shoved up their back passage when the client had only paid for a quickie knee trembler - that they approached a local martial arts club for help.
Jun 21, 2009, 11:20
Man Fined for Illegally Forgetting Money
Plastic plods from the council�s IQ-deficient Gestapo Squad in Scotland�s backward Slumborough area doled out a fifty pound fine to a man who acidentally dropped a tenner in the street. Unemployed Jock McTwat, 36, had just bought a second-hand tartan kilt with matching sporran for a quid at a Scumbag Shoppers charity store when he accidentally dropped a �10 note and his receipt.
Jun 21, 2009, 07:30
Unemployment Line Surges with Republicans
Washington, DC-- Just a few months after the general elections in which Americans overwhelmingly voted Republicans out of office, lines at unemployment offices around the country have been swelling with unemployed Republican politicians and their administrative workers. Unemployment benefits are suddenly looking attractive to these laid off Republicans.
Jun 21, 2009, 04:20
BNP Press Conference Turns into Omelette Fiasco
Nick Thugarotti, North-West England�s current Anti-Christ and the leader of the far-right skinhead and scally-infested British National Party, was forced to abandon a press conference yesterday when he was ambushed by protesters outside the House of Conmans. Thugarotti and his colleague Arthur Wogtwatter, who were elected to the European Parliament last week, were pelted with dozens of double-yolk eggs and chased down the street by more than 5,000 anti-fascism protesters chanting: �Off our streets yer Nazi scumbags!�
Jun 20, 2009, 18:04
MI5 Recruits Teachers as Sneaky Student Snitches
Military Intelligence Five (an obvious contradiction in itself), the UK�s domestic security agency, has commenced a recruitment drive in its expanding war against nasty fanatical Islamic terrorists, by stating that the preferred applicants are school teachers due their inherent people-handling skills make them ideal candidates for the role of sneaky spies.
Jun 20, 2009, 12:43
The Do's and Dont's of Booty-Texting
Thanks to technological advancements, it has now become easier than ever to keep fit and have fun after last call. With basic literacy skills and an economical phone text plan, you can make drunk dialing a thing of the past. Just keep the following in mind when texting your potential prey. -Do begin with a greeting message, such as �Long time no talk...�, or �Hey cutie, how�s it going?�
Jun 20, 2009, 08:27
Fun Banned At Local Beach
Waukegan, IL. - In what was regarded by beach authorities as a "great triumph," many small children whined obnoxiously last Friday when told that the Waukegan Municipal Beach (WMB) was no longer a place that allowed its patrons to have fun of any kind. According to Richard Gotts, officer of beach safety at WMB, the decision to ban fun was prompted by "rising insurance costs" coupled with the fact that...
Jun 19, 2009, 06:21
Voodoo Gangs Target Albino "Medicine Donors"
Trials have started in the Tanzania capital of Dodoma of thirteen people � known colloquially as the �Voodoo Dozen� � who stand accused of murdering scores of albino bambinos and selling their body parts for use in witchcraft and cordon bleu cookery. More than two hundred albinos � both adult and infant - have gone missing and believe killed there in the last nine months.
Jun 19, 2009, 05:58
Dumb Cops Arrest Blind Man for Speeding
An elderly blind man, who has never held a driving licence, told the motoring correspondent from Gardener�s World how he was wrongly arrested and taken to court for committing a series of driving offenses. Cyril McScrunt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who works part-time as a tomcat peeler, lost his sight aged seven after being hit on the head with a frozen hallibut by his mother when she caught him masturbating over a copy of her...
Jun 19, 2009, 03:46
Police Guilty of Water Boarding Offer "My Bad"
An undisclosed number of the London Metropolitan Police�s �Dacoit Squad� (rumoured to be six) have been suspended or placed on restricted duties (pigeon patrol)) due allegations of ill-treatment of suspects following a police drugs bust raid. The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) is investigating the Smegmadale Hamlets-based officers' conduct, according to Scotland Yard spokeslut Candida Fuctifino.
Jun 18, 2009, 08:08
Big Pharma: Names You Simply Cannot Trust
Yesterday one more in a long line of Big Pharma-controlled corupt FDA advisory panels approved the prescribing of powerful mind-altering chemicals for children. Seroquel, Zyprexa and Goedon have now been approved by advisory panel of career criminals to be prescribed to children as young as 5 years old : to treat a fictitious disease invented by crooked psychiatrists and given the name "bipolar disorder."
Jun 18, 2009, 02:28
On Cultural Conservatism: Lose a Uterus-Get a Job
"Learn our language or leave!" If you've said before you are a conservative. And conservatives are no fun. I waited tables with a middle aged woman who when not in her work uniform followed the hippie dress code very closely, decked out in patches, bell bottoms and a paisley 'do rag to go with her hemp necklace. One particularly busy evening in the kitchen she storms in yelling at the dishwasher with whom she puts...
Jun 18, 2009, 00:19
Glacier Accused of Global Warming Denies Allegation
past week Klaus Klunt, climatology correspondent for the Tortoise Polishers Gazette, received an astounding report from Yakutat, Alaska, concerning the Hubbard Glacier. The glacier, in total denial of global warming, is advancing toward Gilbert Point near Yakutat at the astonishing rate of two meters (seven feet) per day, according to leading conspiracy theorists and climate change deniers!
Jun 17, 2009, 08:40
Dignified Man Rejects Consolation Prize
SHROPSHIRE, ENGLAND� Many eyebrows were raised last Friday when favored patrician Edward Randolph Cunningham III declined to receive a conciliatory trinket in recognition of his second-place showing at the 19th annual croquet tournament held at the Duchess of Shrewsbury's palace. Mr. Cunningham rejected the prize on the grounds that accepting such a shameful marker of his inadequacy would cause his dignity to suffer most unduly.
Jun 17, 2009, 04:07
Burnham OKs Nazi-Style Water Fluoridation
Andy Burnham, the UK�s all-new replacement Health Secretary, just appointed by Gordon �Incapability� Brown, has called for universal water fluoridation despite global protests over 'mass medication' and concern of links to cancer, bone disease and stifling the human intellect. Burnham was accused of a 'conflict of interest' as he has been a supporter and...
Jun 17, 2009, 00:47
Gunfight at the Holocaust Corral Goes Undeniably Awry
A �lone� gunman, armed with what police detectives described as a �gun�, shot and killed a guard inside Washington DC's Holohoax Museum before being shot himself, city police spokeswoman Candida Fuctifino told the International Herald. The �shooter� is being treated by a horse doctor who stated he was in a �stable� condition following the firefight incident which saw the museum�s crowds of visitors go straight into Chinese fire drill mode...
Jun 16, 2009, 16:15
Carville Named "Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar"
Washington - Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano introduced James Carville today as the Department's new "Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar." A political science professor at Tulane, Carville is inexplicably married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin. "Dr. Carville has an unparalleled understanding of the danger the right poses to President Obama�s vision of America," Napolitano said.
Jun 16, 2009, 14:28
Australia Shocked Gordon Ramsey an Arrogant Wanker
Australia was today reeling from the apparent shock, that celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey, is a completely self-absorbed, foul-mouthed, tosser. Ramsey's TV programmes Hell's Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares are ratings winners in Australia. The basic premise of these shows involve Ramsey swearing at, insulting, putting down and generally degrading anyone within 10 feet of him.
Jun 16, 2009, 08:59
Billionaires Laugh Maniacally About Your Greenpeace Donation
It is one of the most elite clubs in the world. The Good Club is made up of the worlds richest and most generous people, who right now, are making the $10 you give to Greenpeace each month look as pitiful as it really is. The Good Club recently held its first meeting, rumoured to be the biggest love-in/mutual back-slapping event since Bob Geldof gave hand relief to Bono at Live 8.
Jun 15, 2009, 04:14
Study Links Loud Mufflers to Penile Inadequacy
You can hear them coming from miles away; motorcycles, trucks and cars with modified exhaust systems customized to rattle the fillings out of your head. Have you ever wondered about the owner? Now new study is shedding some light on phenomena. Researchers from the University of South Carolina released their results on Wednesday which show a direct relationship between the size of a man's penis to the sounds emanating from his muffler.
Jun 15, 2009, 02:34
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown: "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!"
The UK Prime Minister is said to be "seriously regretting", not calling a general election in June 2007 when he received the reigns from the then Prime Minister Tony Blair. At the time with Labours popularity at a 10 year low following Blair's oil wars, Mr Brown had assumed he could only go up in opinion during the next 2-3 years.
Jun 15, 2009, 00:25
Taliban Women's Rights Scores Surprisingly Low
A video showing a teenage girl being flogged by Taliban Islamic fundamentalist headbangers has emerged from the Twat Valley in Pakistan, offering a shocking glimpse of militant brutality in once-pleasant desert shithole, and a sign that Taliban Dan�s malevolent religious influence is spreading deeper into the country.
Jun 14, 2009, 07:54
Tobacco Powered Car Smokes Competition
Researchers at North Carolina State University week unveiled the first tobacco powered car. Acting Professor of Advanced Scientific Agriculture Random Hudson and his students have nicknamed the prototype "Puffy" and say the car is ready for mass production as soon as it gets federal approval. The team developed a smooth, low tar, slow burning blend of American tobacco perfect for use in any gas powered vehicle.
Jun 14, 2009, 03:21
Prince Harry Heads to Big Apple to "Meet a Black Person"
Prince Henry Horace Hesketh Hewitt Woodruff Windsor � the Royal Cuckoo and Chief Imperial Ranga, arrived in New York after Charlie, his bat-eared father, got fed up with him hanging around Clarence House playing video games, kicking the corgis and calling Dragonilla (the new Mrs. Windsor) a second-hand slapper � and stuck him on a plane with the words �Go and annoy the fucking Yanks for a while, you little ginger-minger tosspot.�
Jun 14, 2009, 00:23
O'Reilly, "I'm not a racist, I'm Close To Many Black People"
New York NY- Responding to critics who claimed his review of famed Harlem restaurant Sylvia�s was racist, Fox TV host Bill O�Reilly told Glossy News "I�m not a racist, mother fucker, I am close to many black people. The recent flap over is just plain stupid and it is being fueled by the same radical left wing liberal white people that supported that woman Hillary Clinton and that Barack Obama fellow."
Jun 13, 2009, 08:53
Study: OCD, Mania, Tourette's Can Make Life Better
Did anyone solve the BBC�s online news� question yesterday : whatever happened to the Boy who couldn�t stop Swearing? Simple - he grew up into the Man who couldn�t stop Swearing. Yes, twenty years ago week chronic Coprolalia sufferer Freddie Foulgob became the face of Tourette�s Syndrome across Britain when a BBC QED documentary about his daily battles with the illness became a national gossip topic.
Jun 13, 2009, 07:26
Britain Defeats Iraq - Hurrah!
Gordon Brown the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, declared that after 6 years at war, the UK would be withdrawing troops from Iraq as they had basically won as there was no-way the Iraqis could ever catch up. Especially when only using poxy suicide bombers, instead of proper civilised weapons such as tanks and the like. Gordon Brown continued: "I think history...
Jun 13, 2009, 04:01
Christ-Era Expense Scandal Shows UK MPs "Being Traditional"
Ancient Roman accounting tablets suggest public officials were involved in a range of expenses fiddles 2,000 years ago to equal - and surpass - the current MPs House of Conman�s scandals. Writing tablets of wood and hide uncovered near Hadrian's Wall - built across northern England to keep out the Caledonian wild men in skirts - detail hundreds of expenses claimed by Roman officials.
Jun 12, 2009, 19:31
UK Cracks Down on Footy Fashionistas
Britain�s newly-formed SuperPlod Squad is launching a drive to track down wanted foreign fugitives from the global criminal syndicate Renta-Crook, believed to be hiding in the UK. A preliminary search revealed several hiding in Parliament�s House of Conmans posing as MP�s � where they blended in with camouflage perfection with all the other career criminals.
Jun 12, 2009, 16:00
Memorial Service for World's Greatest Electric Kazooist Scheduled
Hell no. he won't blow! The legendary Haney Wilkie will finally have his spirit laid to rest in a memorial service Saturday at the abandoned Mica mine near the family compound in Eastern Alabama. The iconic songwriter and arguably the world�s most prolific electric kazoo player has been missing and presumed dead by most of the known world for the past 37 years.
Jun 12, 2009, 14:05
Obama�s Mideast Tour Rocks the Casbah
President Obama�s speech at Cairo University Thursday, which appealed to Muslims for a new beginning in their relationship with the United States, was met with mostly positive reactions. He insinuated the United States would be even willing to hold hands with a Muslim woman, regardless of how hairy she was, but would not go as far as to say the country would give her a back rub after a long day of mothering future little terrorist bastards.
Jun 11, 2009, 07:40
Art Film Aims To Suck
OLYMPIA, Wa. � Young filmmaker Mark Ziweski recently started production of what he hopes will be yet another piece of pretentious schlock that nobody really cares about. "It should be quite bad," said the beret-wearing Ziweski, stirring some powdered cream into his Fair Trade coffee. "I will bring the people nothing less than the most uninspired thirty minutes ever caught on low quality camera."
Jun 11, 2009, 03:54
Murdered Chickens Off the Menu in China
China's health authorities are reported to be putting a stop to restaurants serving chickens that have been bitten to death by poisonous snakes. The dish, known colloquially as �Terrified Rooster� which is served by a small number of restaurants in the traditionally-barbaric southern Squawking and Clucking provinces, is billed as detoxing � for the eater � although quite fatal for the chickens involved.
Jun 11, 2009, 00:54
Mother-In-Law Convicted of Slavery Worshipped by Millions
Appraised by a casual glance Mrs. Nastygit al Bobo didn�t appear to be an out-of-the-ordinary figure around her home town of Smegmadale in the UK�s grim recession-stricken north-west, apart from the cat-of-nine-tails she habitually carried while chewing a six inch nail and spitting cobs of brown rust. But behind closed doors �Granny from Hell� imprisoned her three daughters-in-law and used them as her personal slaves for fifteen years.
Jun 10, 2009, 07:22
Big Brother #10 Lands on TV Like Non-Metaphorical Vomit
Sixteen celebrity wannabee contestants braved the crowds of nasty losers on their way into the fabled Big Brother house at Twatford-on-Sea to kick off the 10th series of the Nausea Channel�s popular reality show. Across the globe, in palaces, mansions, sheds, tents, yurts, huts and igloos more than 5.4 billion - 97.3 % of the world�s total TV audience � were glued to the screen and watched as the wannabes made their entrance.
Jun 10, 2009, 02:29
Honorable Freshman Saving Ass for Marriage
Boise, ID.- A college student has received a fair amount of unsolicited attention, after vowing to abstain from having her ass-tapped until marriage. Claire Ford, a cheerleader and member of student council at Brinton College, declared publicly that the only man tapping her ass will be the man she exchanges vows with. �My parents had very high morals, and they told us girls that having our ass-tapped was a sacred event�, she explains.
Jun 10, 2009, 00:15
Ex Says Clark Rocky 'Rockefeller' Balboa Con Watertight
The British ex-wife of a man who posed as a member of the mutant Rockefeller oil dynasty has told a Boston court she had no reason to doubt his life story and think he was a lying twit. Sandra Boss said her husband called himself Clark Kent Rockefeller, claimed to have attended Yale from the age of 12 due his genius IQ and held the patents to the left-handed coat hanger plus several more hi-tech inventions.
Jun 9, 2009, 04:50
Gordon Brown's Political Future Dims to Match Intellect
Minister for Old Rope - and MP for Bald Scrotum - Hazel Bleary, has quit the Labour cabinet, increasing pressure on UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown to call it a day and hold a General Election. Her departure is the second top-level resignation on the eve of the European and English local elections and led to stormy scenes in the House of Conman�s as the Prime Minister denied his government was now a total fuck-up and rejected calls for an immediate general election.
Jun 9, 2009, 03:26
Auto Parts Store Celebrates 1000th Oil Change In Parking Lot
Madison,WI- The Napa auto parts franchise in Madison Wisconsin today celebrated the 1000th oil change completed in its parking lot. According to store manger Glenn Wilson, the fact that the store's customers often change the oil and complete other self service on their automobiles outside in the store parking lot, is a testament to the value and choice that his business offers consumers.
Jun 9, 2009, 01:34
Australia Continues Proud History of Brown People Violence
An overnight protest by Indian students in Australia's second largest city, Melbourne, broke up early yesterday morning with 18 people detained by police for "not loving Australia". 2000 Indian students protested the recent violent attacks on Indian nationals in Australia.
Jun 8, 2009, 05:01
Wales Hit by Earthquake: Thousands Shit Pants
An earthquake, the largest measured in south Wales for 14 million years, has been confirmed by seismologists at the Llandudno Institute of Volcanology. The quake was felt at 15:42 BST on Saturday afternoon with the epicentre near Twatyffyllon, 6.2 miles north east of Port Scrunt.
Jun 8, 2009, 02:37
Little Brother (and Sister) are Watching You
Primary schoolchildren from the age of five are set to be taught how to spot potential terror suspects as part of a Numpty-Plod government strategy to tackle extremism � both political and religious. Smegmadale Police�s elite anti-terrorist unit �Twat-a-Wog� has made a DVD featuring animated animals in a bid to teach children about the dangers of fundamentalism.
Jun 8, 2009, 00:10
USA Anticipates Fighting a War It Might Win
With North Korea's leader Kim Jong-il looking crazier by the second, America was rubbing it's hands together with glee at the prospect of fighting a conventional war, as opposed to wandering round the desert, waiting for some insane bearded type with a shit-load of dynamite strapped to him, to jump out at them. North Korea yesterday warned it would act in "self defence" by blasting anything that came within 1000 miles of its borders with...
Jun 7, 2009, 07:03
Gates Goes Ballistic, Issues Korea "Final Warning"
The US "will not accept" a nuclear-armed North Korea, Defence Secretary Robert Goats has told an Asian summit � even though Nor� Kor� has no choice but to accept a nuclear-armed belligerent bully boy US poking it�s nose into Korean peninsula affairs yet again. Goats, a former balloon inflator, said the United States would "not stand idly by as North Korea builds the capability to wreak nuclear destruction on any target in the region like we did to Japan in 1945".
Jun 7, 2009, 02:50
God's Unconditional Love Officially Terminated
Earth- Mass panic ensued among Christians last Sunday when God issued a formal statement from Heaven saying that His pure and sublime love, on which millions of people depend, will no longer be provided unconditionally. "If you want my love you're going to have to earn it," said God, backed by a chorus of Seraphim who continuously sang His praise.
Jun 7, 2009, 00:44
Obama Advances Pander-Stampede in Muslim East
President Barky O�Barmy has said the "cycle of suspicion and discord" between the United States and Israel � and the Muslim world must end � or else. In a keynote speech in Cairo, O�Barmy called for a "new beginning" in ties with Pan-Islam. He admitted there had been "years of distrust" and said all sides needed to make a "sustained effort... to respect one another and seek common ground � but not on the West Bank just yet".
Jun 6, 2009, 11:29
Pope Calls Casually for Israel to be Wiped Off Map
Pope Benedict XVI has joined the ranks of other religious fanatics, world leaders and nut jobs with calls to wipe Israel off the map. Standing alongside Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, he delivered his strongest public support yet for blowing the living shit out of Israel. Thereby continuing along his current trend of giving his opinion when it's not wanted, needed or relevant to his role as Pope.
Jun 6, 2009, 09:44
Fiji's Compromise: Will Bump 4th Coup to 2010
Crazed warlord Frank Bainimarama has decided to move Fiji's 4th armed coup to 2010, in an attempt to maximise sponsorship deals from TV and radio networks as well as other advertising media. Sam Bainimarama, a spokesman for the current Fiji administration said: "To make the next coup the most successful ever we decided that the year was important. 2009 clashes with the European Championship, 2011 is the Rugby and Cricket World Cup, 2012 is the Summer Olympics, 2013 is the soccer world cup.
Jun 6, 2009, 06:33
Glossy News Seeks a Full-Time Editor
Become an editor for a satirical magazine - One of the oldest, most aggressively publishing satirical rags on the web is putting it all out on the line, begging unabashadly in attempts to find an editor to help run show on the odd days when I'm just too busy paying attention to my children or otherwise attending to life at large. would you be interested and/or capable of becoming the new de facto editor of Glossy News?
Jun 5, 2009, 19:54
Sarah Palin To Offer Sarah Barracuda Line Of Lipstick
Cleveland, OH. � Alaska Governor and GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin today announced her plan to sell a "Sarah Barracuda" line of lipstick. Gathered at a Cleveland hotel, with John McCain at her side with a glowing smile of school boy with a crush, Mrs. Palin told reporters of her plans to start selling a full line of lip gloss.
Jun 5, 2009, 09:39
Kill Bill Star Carradine - er � 'Killed'
The Kill Bill movies and Kung Fu television series icon David Carradine has been found dead in a Bangkok hotel room. Thai police told the International Herald Shitraker the 92-year-old actor was found by a hotel maid morning, hanging in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck � directly between his trousers and shirts. The US star was in Thailand filming his latest movie �Neck Stretch�, according to his personal manager Seymour Fassbender.
Jun 5, 2009, 05:01
Tiananmen Square Peace Anniversary Day Celebrated
Police in China's capital, Beijing, have ringed Tiananmen Square on the 20th anniversary of the violent suppression of student-led protests � known in the PRC as the �June 4th Incident� to avoid confusion with all the other occasions when students and protestors have been slaughtered in the square.
Jun 5, 2009, 01:20
Scientific Study Finds Chickens Stressed as Fuck
A vague unnamed possibly scientific report, has stated that, whether battery or free range, chickens are all on edge, and, if only they had an opposable thumb they'd be heading into a bank with a mask and a shot gun. The report further stated that apparently some hairy bloke 10 times the size of you, coming and nicking your babies every day is a stressful experience.
Jun 4, 2009, 05:11
ADHD Drug Enhances Breast Size � in MEN!
The Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder drug Risperdal used to treat ADHD children is causing grave concern in the United States. Risperdal, manufactured by pharma� giant Numpty Drug, is supposed to be used primarily for adults with severe psychological problems � such as members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, certified nutters and sectioned headbangers.
Jun 4, 2009, 03:34
Impossible-to-drink-from Container Somehow Nation's Best-Selling Water Bottle
ROCHESTER, NY - Nalge Nunc International Corporation�s Nalgene water bottle, a cylindrical container with an awkwardly rotund body, is the nation�s best-selling water bottle, according to a report released Monday. The horribly designed device, with an opening that wouldn�t comfortably accommodate even the largest human mouth, has somehow topped the US sales charts, outselling its closest competitor by several million units.
Jun 4, 2009, 01:38
N. Korea Advocates a Steady Diet of Nothing
North Korea has attracted attention recently with its test of a nuclear bomb and also test-firing its array of ballistic missiles. However, the beleaguered population there has paid scant attention to its government�s affronts. They are way too busy trying to gather the 500 calories needed to sustain life each day.
Jun 3, 2009, 18:37
Overrated Slut Gives Bad Head
WORLDWIDE � Jake Crawford, senior at Tulane University of Louisiana, was disappointed to find that the blowjob he received last night from a highly touted slut was well below average. But Jake is not alone. Hundreds of students at Tulane share the same story. A friend or acquaintance recommends Valerie Kristensen as a top-notch head-giver. By the end of the sex act, if not sooner...
Jun 3, 2009, 15:21
Thai Kick Boxing Takes off in Amish Land
All is not well with the Old Order Amish in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania (home to Dracula�s US cousins) since 14-year-old Monty Mennonite the Younger came across what has been later referred to by Church Elders as �The work of the Devil� � an old July 2005 copy of Rolling Stone magazine with a centrefold article on Thai kick boxing.
Jun 3, 2009, 13:20
Smart Tips for Cougars on a Budget
Tips for budget-conscious cougars - The current recession has had a negative impact on people from all walks of life, all around the globe. Although no one is immune to the crisis, few have suffered as much as those single, middle-aged women of the night we affectionately refer to as "Cougars". Though it is unknown how long downturn will last, the good news...
Jun 2, 2009, 12:22
Gold-Digger Breaks All-Time Worst Guinness Record
Barbara Thomas Judge, known to all her networking psychotic social set and sycophant arse-lickers as HRH Lady Sludge, was today awarded a top slot in the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records as the global champion holder of over a thousand directorships � including the chairmanship of the UK Atomic Energy Authority - without knowing a single iota about matters nuclear � except she seems to believe the sun shines out of her own arse.
Jun 2, 2009, 10:54
Obama Keen on Palestinian State - Israel Less Keen
President Obama began perhaps his most difficult diplomatic mission so for by suggesting that Israel stop being a bunch of pricks and let the people of Palestine have their own state. The White House talks have been billed as a discussion over two sharply conflicting approaches to peace in the region, one being that the two nations live in peace side by side, the other being they continue to blow the crap out of each other.
Jun 2, 2009, 04:38
Sage Smartass Tips For Saving Gas
Hello again. Since gas prices are on most people's minds these days, I have been thinking of ways to save gas while driving to work at the hospital here in New Jersey. For highway driving, try slowing down from 100mhp to 80mph. will save you a ton of gas and possibly add to your longevity. After all, when was the last time that you felt sorry for those people in a 20 car pile up?
Jun 1, 2009, 05:23
North Korea�Halts Nuke Tests After NZ Condemnation
North Korea has today halted its nuclear weapons tests after condemnation by New Zealand's Prime Minister John Key. The skeleton of the "Great Leader" Kim Jong-il was said to be concerned after a country he'd never heard of, led by a Prime Minister he'd never heard of, condemned North Korea's actions.
Jun 1, 2009, 01:48
KFC's New Halal Albatross Still Ain't Kosher
Household brand name chew n' spew fast food chain KFC is trialing halal and kosher meats in certain restaurants, but some Muslims and Shylocks say it hasn't been killed in the correct Islamic or Jewish manner. So Pox News religious correspondent Fellatia van der Gobble asks when is halal meat not halal meat and what's what in the kosher brochure?
Jun 1, 2009, 00:49
Five Tips to Upgrade Your Resume (The Easy Way)
Need to get that dusty old resume ready for the next big job hunt? In today�s tough economy, writing an effective resume is more important than ever. Here are some great insider tips we collected from 10 top-notch resume writers. Add some spice to your crappy job descriptions. Nobody has to know you couldn�t do better than illegal migrant workers.
May 31, 2009, 21:23
Holy Land Charity Jailed for School Donations
Shitcan Abu Bonker, 85, and Gaspipe Elastic, 97, were among the five members of the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development in Palestine sentenced to decades in prison on Wednesday in good old JFK murder country : Dallas - Texas by presiding Judge Billy Bob Slimeberg. The men and the Holy Land Foundation itself were convicted...
May 31, 2009, 15:49
Transvestite Soccer Nuns Hot, Deported
The shit-for-brains transvestite British members of a Smegmashire football club, who were arrested while dressed and posing as nuns in Crete, are back in the UK. The men said they were � embarrassment besides - relieved to be home after arriving at Smegmadale Sands International Airport under the cover of darkness.
May 31, 2009, 12:34
Buckingham Tour Guide Aids Spying, Yellow Journalism
Queen Elizabeth has ordered the suspension of a chauffeur (by the balls) after a troop of rowdy and drunken Texan tourists gained access to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace while she was out shopping for summer sales bargains at a Skidrow Hamlets �Quid-Stretcher� shop.
May 30, 2009, 09:55
US Family Flees to Mexico Seeking Jobs, Better Life
Phoenix, Az. � Asking, "What�s so great about life here" a young Phoenix Arizona man and his family today declared their intention to migrate to Mexico in search of employment and a better life. In what may be the first of a new trend in reverse immigration Adam Smith, age 30, and his wife Emily, 29 and their two children today announced to their family and relatives that they were going drive across the Mexican border in the upcoming week in search of a better life.
May 30, 2009, 03:30
Pravda Delights Crackpots w/ Moon Hoax "Proof"
Russia�s best-selling state propaganda gutter press tabloid news sheet goes into shit-raking mode morning by stating there�s something very wrong with all the various US space flights to the Moon. The legendary space missions are still shrouded in controversy and Mankind, to day, has a number of valid reasons to cast doubt on the miracle of inter-planetary flights.
May 30, 2009, 01:28
Pub Drunkards Encouraged to Form Orderly Line
A troop of monkeys working around the clock at the prestigious Smegmadale Institute of Advanced Numptynomics for the UK�s moronic Oldham Council have come up with their most stupid idea since the last stupid idea. Inspired by the latest EU guidelines on sheeple control and how to make the common or garden landless peasants sit up and beg � and say �Woof�...
May 29, 2009, 16:18
FARC Rebellion Throws 45th Birthday Gala
FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia insurgents, are celebrating their 45th anniversary, making them the oldest insurgent force in the world - and, despite recent setbacks, still one of the strongest. Members of FARC are motivated neither by religion or ethnicity. They are a throwback to the 1960�s, when Cuban-inspired communist insurgent groups...
May 29, 2009, 05:51
Kid Witness to Cake Theft Crawls Forward w/ Testimony
Last week an incident took place in our home that alarmed everyone and not just because it hit so close to home that it was in our own kitchen, right on our own countertop, but it was really bad because it was thievery, and it happened, and somebody did it, and we couldn't figure out who. Finally, a witness has stepped forward in the case that may blow the whole thing wide open.
May 29, 2009, 02:59
Psycho Krauts Given 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card
The Germany government has discontinued an investigation into the circumstance surrounding a soldier who killed an Afghan woman and two children last year, citing the innovative and novel excuse of �Murder by Fright� as just cause for slaughtering innocent civilians. The unnamed staff sergeant (Heinz Dorkfelder) from the...
May 28, 2009, 08:36
Glenn Beck: "Arm Students On Campus"
CNN TV show host Glenn Beck today detailed on his program his ideas for arming college students on the nations� college campuses. Mr. Beck offered his plan in the wake of the recent shooting deaths at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Illinois. Fed up with colleges being "Gun Free" zones, Mr. Beck proposed the distribution of guns to college students through vending machines that could be located next to the soda pop and snack machines on campus.
May 28, 2009, 01:56
12yo Boy "Not Father" According Reason, Fact
Alfie McScrunt, the boy who was reported to have fathered a child when he was 12 years old, is not the baby's father, DNA tests have shown. Alfie, now 13, of Smegmadale�s Sink or Swim Housing Estate, told the �underage sex� columnist from the Cormorant Strangler�s Gazette that he was �dead chuffed� (Chav-speak for �proud�) he�d got his 15-year-old girlfriend �up the tub� (further Chav-speak for 'preggers�).
May 28, 2009, 00:29
Irish Church 'Sorry' for Kiddy Fiddling Priests
The nine-year long inquiry originally set up to investigate a sixteen centuries-long period of child abuse at Catholic institutions across Ireland has found that church leaders � from the past prelates of Ireland itself up to the Vatican and Holy See - were fully aware that homosexual abuse was "endemic" in boys' institutions � with some senior Catholic officials even arranging...
May 27, 2009, 08:42
ShamWow Guy Gets Tongue Chopped
Vince Shlomi, better known to you as the ShamWow Guy, was recently arrested in Miami Beach. You will remember him as the ubiquitous television pitchman who has been phenomenally successful peddling absorbent towels and food choppers. Apparently the crime story of the century has just been leaked out about Shlomi being arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room.
May 27, 2009, 06:30
Nuke Hypocrites Slam N. Korean Bomb Test
The incumbent US Kenyan-Hawaiian hybrid President Barack Obama today made the wholly useless and sycophantic political gesture of assuring Japan and South Korea of US defense support following North Korea's nuclear test � as if to imply the Nor-Kor�s are intending to nuke Seoul and Tokyo tomorrow.
May 27, 2009, 04:09
Wind Farms Cause Goat Insomnia Epidemic
The chief veterinarian officer for Taiwan�s offshore islands� Department of Agriculture, Foods, Fisheries & Goats, Dr. Pak Lunch, is investigating reports that a large number of the domesticated species of Capra may have died of exhaustion attributed to the aggravating 24/7 racket from a wind farm adjacent to their grazing lands.
May 26, 2009, 17:09
Limbaugh and Hannity Form Central Conservative Cigar Party�CCCP
Wayb'lowdabelt, VA �BobZaguy In an exclusive interview with reporter, both Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity agreed to answer my questions about the dysfunctional Republican party and what became a kick-ass defeat for the McCain/Palin campaign on November 4. Limbaugh and Hannity say they have officially resigned from the GOP ranks and will convene their new political party, the CCCP or Central Conservative Cigar Party.
May 26, 2009, 12:42
Kiddie Bankrupts Parents in E-Bay Auction
Three-year-old New Zealand girl Pipi McScrunt is pretty smart on a computer: too smart for her parents, who woke up on Tuesday morning to find she had bought a full-size excavating digger on an auction website for NZ$ 20,000. While Mum and Dad were partaking in a Sunday �afternoon delight� session behind a locked bedroom door at their home...
May 26, 2009, 10:25
Hot Girl's Disappointing Facebook Profile Doesn't Show Any Skin
LARAMIE, WY - A group of University of Wyoming juniors expressed catastrophic disappointment Wednesday when super-hot female student Jennifer Lavagnino, 20, created a Facebook profile with several hundred photographs, none of which contained any semblance of the incredibly sexy chemistry major�s exposed skin.
May 25, 2009, 19:57
Weekly Skewed News Roundup
A sound slap on the wrist week for the Greedy Grocer � �and� the Grotty Grocer supermarket chains from the UK�s Foods Regulatory Board concerning the amount of water they�re injecting into fresh meat products to bulk the item�s weight � and too their own disgusting profits. reprimand came following a legion of complaints from both housewives and...
May 25, 2009, 07:45
Glad Facebook Reconnected Us, Stranger
Wow, Marty�it is Marty, right? I see you have added me as a friend on Facebook. I guess site really does reunite people! Even distant, barely-casual acquaintances who couldn�t pick each other out of a line-up if their life depended on it� I was just wondering, out of curiosity, could you refresh my memory and tell me exactly where we met or how we know each other?
May 24, 2009, 07:54
Dog Phones 999 (911) � Has Owner Arrested
South London�s Homicide Squad went on full alert after receiving a 999 call suggesting a potential murder was in progress - but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story. An emergency call operator at Scotland Yard heard muffled voices and a man shouting: "Come out or else, I'm warning yer - I�ll rip your effin� bollocks off yer thievin� git."
May 24, 2009, 04:10
FBI Foil Their Own Imaginary Bomb Plot
Four males have been arrested over alleged plots to attack targets in New York, according to the Fox News �Propaganda� channel. The men were planning to blow up a chain of Jewish-owned kosher Dimona Deli�s around the Scumdale area of the Bronx, District Attorney Seymour Scroungeberg told a reporter from the Perjurers Weekly Review.
May 24, 2009, 01:07
Photo Waiver-Averse Parents Have Blurry Children
We've gone a long way, but apparently we haven't come a very long way, and these days, it would seem, the way that we've come has only gone as far as our own ability to attend a more-or-less public birthday party. It's fun, at least as far as it comes to us going to the parties, but I'm really starting to worry about my friends and the blurry/clear status of their faces.
May 23, 2009, 05:53
Fossil Lemur Looks Like Dubya
The pristine fossil remains of a 47-million-year-old lemur-like creature have been unveiled in the US. Its preservation is so intact it is possible to see the outline of its fur and even traces of its last meal � what appears to resemble a partly-digested McScrunt�s Chew n Spew Spam fritter. The fossil, nicknamed Titsy, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's...
May 23, 2009, 03:25
Council Recruiting Snoop N' Snitch Child Army
Children as young as three years old are being recruited by the UK�s fascist council commissars to act as Citizen Snoopers, the Daily Shitraker�s banner headline revealed today. The 'environment support' groups, press-ganged from kindergartens, jobcentres and Asbo registers will report on noisy neighbours, DIY enthusiasts...
May 23, 2009, 01:34
Bliar Receives Mega-Bucks Israeli Prize
Ex-British PM Tony Bliar last night received the $1 million �Desperate Dan Dirty Tricks� prize for towing the Zionist warmongers� line at a ceremony at Tel Aviv�s Rothshite Institute for Bent Politicians, a prize awarded for "achievements having an outstanding cultural and social impact on our world." (read Afghanistan and Iraq)
May 22, 2009, 22:32
Horrible Band Refuses To Sell Out
SAN FRANCISCO - At a poorly attended CD release party at a local dive bar, Ted Lunder, frontman for indie group Sour Mailbox, proudly reaffirmed the band's conviction never to sign a contract with a nationally recognized music label, none of which have ever approached them. By the end of the night, as many as three CDs were given to friends.
May 22, 2009, 14:06
Obama Suggests Israel "Kiss His Black Ass"
US President Barack Obama is to deliver a blunt warning spelled out in plain old Kenyan English on his new teleprompter to Israel's psychopath prime minister, Binman Nuttyahoo that the era of the blank US cheque is over. The Kenyan Kahuna will use a meeting with Mr Nuttyahoo in Washington today to drop the hint that from now on Israel must earn its privileged relationship with America by kissing some Christian ass...
May 22, 2009, 10:34
Snail Longevity Surpasses Humans
Natural selection is favouring snails with reduced metabolic rates, researchers at London�s prestigious Rothshite Institute for Wasting Taxpayers Money have discovered. It is the first time that Darwinian evolution has been observed to select for trait in individuals of any species. Snails with lower metabolisms are at an advantage because they have more energy to spend...
May 21, 2009, 08:13
Wall Street Wails Music to Our Tears
Having shoveled heaping mounds of money down the gullets of financial services companies, Congress is vexed at the continued credit bottleneck. It seems taxpayers dutifully pay taxes, which are funneled to bankers, who then refuse to loan them back their own money. Now some radical thinkers have postulated that the problem lies with the artificially-maintained low interest rates. There is simply no incentive to loan cash to anyone.
May 21, 2009, 02:32
Underworked Bobbies Get Litter Duty
The UK�s police force of under-worked Plods have been ordered to go on litter patrol in a bid to boost the number of people nicked for minor offences - such as screwing up parking fine tickets pasted on their car windscreens and lobbing them in the gutter, or dropping ciggy butts, or spitting out redundant gum. Officers will be forced to ditch their uniforms and go out...
May 21, 2009, 00:37
Man Tells Boss To "Bite me", Fired
New York, Ever wanted to tell your boss to �Bite me�? Well, ask Sam Adams, a recently unemployed new car salesman. Last week Mr. Adams told the sales manger at the car dealership where he worked until recently, to �Bite me where the sun don�t shine�. The result, he was fired. But Mr. Adams says that he has no regrets.
May 20, 2009, 20:28
The Paradox of Human Empathy... To Kill a Mockingbird?
afternoon I signed an online petition, which has doubtless ensured my name secures a place at the top of some asinine Homeland Security senior citizen subversive / potential domestic terrorist watch list. Yes, a budding threat to world peace and the survival of Western civilization I have now become � by signing a petition to preserve a colony of countryside rooks.
May 20, 2009, 03:52
Bird Brains Stun Science World, Celeb Divas Still Idiots
�In the past, people thought birds were stupid," laments the aptly named Ornithologist Prof. Christopher Canary, �But in fact, some of our feathered friends are far cleverer than we might think � and definitely smarter than your average dolphin � or Chav or Asbo yobette.�
May 20, 2009, 00:50
British MPs Master Faux-Outrage Grandstanding
Nick Clogg has become the first party leader to call for the House of Conmans� Speaker to get the proverbial boot in the midst of the humiliating expenses crisis gripping Parliament. The Lib Dem�s �Son of Ming the Merciless� leader said Gorbals Mick should do the "decent Biblical thing" - and go out and hang himself -as he was not the "right man" to lead much-needed reform of Parliament.
May 19, 2009, 15:22
Is that a Hummer in Your Pocket or is Your Green Thumb Showing?
Every night the evening news is force feeding frugality to the American people. Consignment shops, thrift stores and yard sales are the new shopping destinations of the middle class. Saturday morning shopping sprees in upper end stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart and Big Lots are becoming a thing of the past. Unless, of course; you have coupons.
May 19, 2009, 03:29
UK Leader's Castle & Moat Expenses Uncovered
Conservative MPs, currently getting pilloried by a vicious tabloid gutter press week, have reluctantly agreed to pay back their House of Conmans �second home� expenses for swimming pool maintenance and other ridiculous claims after details were revealed in the Daily Shitraker and the Dodgy Expenses Gazette.
May 19, 2009, 01:18
Massive Obama Fundraising Causing Economic Recession
In a discovery that shocked Wall Street and Washington alike, top economic analysts have determined that then Senator Barack Obama's massive fundraising efforts were in fact the very cause of the economic recession that shattered the public's trust in Republican government, and ultimately got him elected. finding was underscored by President Obama's signing...
May 18, 2009, 16:14
Vet Shocked Dog Eats Magnets, Owners Shocked at Bill
A six-month old pup underwent emergency surgery after eating an entire alphabet of fridge magnets. Wuffie had just returned home from a �no-nuts� operation on Thursday evening and was left in his basket in the kitchen to sleep off the anaesthetic, and ate the magnets overnight. The Albanian Pikey Rathound was taken to an RSPCA' charity hospital in Smegmadale by his owner the next morning - with several steel kitchen utensils hanging from his underside.
May 18, 2009, 05:58
Queen's New Made-Up Honor as Axed as the People It "Honored"
An honour established by the Queen has been declared unlawful after Muslims, Hindus and other heathens and pagan worshippers complained that its Christian name and cross insignia were offensive to their fragile cultural sensibilities. The Trinity Cross of the Order of Trinity was established by the Queen forty years ago to recognise distinguished service and gallantry in the former slave colony of Trinidad and Tobago.
May 18, 2009, 01:58
2009 Forbes Richest and Poorest Lists
Forbes, the zillionaire magazine rich and shameless statistics tracker, has today published its 2009 listing of the world�s richest � and poorest � people. Topping the list year is Miss Muffett, the Curds & Whey Industries tycoon spinster, with an estimated $55 zillion fortune following the acquisition of the Tuffets Fine Furniture conglomerate and stamping out competition - and a hostile take-over bid by the Spider Corporation in March.
May 17, 2009, 04:03
Neoprene� Beer Cozy Promises Colder Beer
LOS FELICES, NM � Frequent beer consumer Tad Danyluk, 44, acquired a promising new leisure asset Sunday: a synthetic rubber sleeve to keep his beer cold. Longer. Community members gathered around the Danyluk garage around 1:00 PM to witness the unveiling of the new device, which proponents say will significantly increase the amount of time Danyluk can wield a beer without fear of environmental heat damaging its flavor.
May 17, 2009, 02:42
Abu Dhabi: Chic New Middle East Torture Capital
A human rights and wrongs group is calling on Abu Dhabi to take urgent action against the head of state's brother after video footage of him torturing a landless peasant appeared on YouTube. The UK-based human rights group CuntWatch called for a full investigation into Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nastygit over the footage and his disgusting treatment of a common...
May 17, 2009, 00:46
Brits Need Proof of Age to Buy Spoons
A Muslim shopper was left baffled after she went to her local Grotty Grocer branch of Asda to stock up on picnic equipment and was asked for proof of age and identity to buy a pack of six teaspoons. Shop assistant Candida Twatrot, a part-time BNP Community Support Officer, reportedly informed the customer that someone had once been murdered with a teaspoon...
May 16, 2009, 16:58
UK Immigration Exclusion List Published
The names of some of the people barred from entering the UK for fostering extremism or hatred towards every fucker and their dog have been published for the first time by the Ministry for Paranoid Xenophobia. Out of 22 million who were placed on the exclusion list up to the end of March, four score and ten have at last been named by the Home Office.
May 16, 2009, 13:57
Zombie Attack Imminent, Warns Canadian Woman, Do You Have A Plan?
"In light of recent disturbing events like the global recession, the outbreak of H1N1, the ban on Canadian seal products, I fear a zombie attack is imminent," explains Rosie Magellan of British Columbia, Canada. "So I�ve developed a Zombie Emergency Response Plan, or ZERP as I like to call it, for my community."
May 16, 2009, 10:41
Archaeologists Prove Hobbits UK's First Soccer Houligans
Anthropologists, working alongside genetic scientists, have discovered further evidence that the Channel Island of Brecqhou�s �Hobbit� skeletons are the progenitors of an evolutionary retarded species of human � the modern day �Chavs�. The one metre tall, 30kg brain-dead sub-human �Hobbits� roamed the English Channel Island of Brecqhou perhaps up to 8,000 years ago.
May 15, 2009, 07:35
Travelocity Books Record Longest Indirect Flight
Over the course of the past day I've enjoyed many firsts. My first trip to the airport, first nightmare through security screening, and even my first flight on an airplane. Thanks to Travelocity, I not only saved a bundle, but also got to experience my second flight and my third flight as well. Who knew saving money could be so sucky?
May 15, 2009, 03:47
Jacqui Smith Vows to Collect DNA from Every Strapping Criminal
The DNA profiles of innocent people released without charge or found not guilty by a court of committing any crime could be stored for up to 12 years on the same UK national Gestapo database where records are kept right now. The proposal, announced by Jacqui Smith, the expense-fiddling �Second Home� Secretary, is in response to a ruling...
May 15, 2009, 01:03
Swiss Man Shot Dead by Police "Maybe a Terrorist"
A suspected terrorist dressed in Lincoln Green and armed with a crossbow has been shot dead by police in a siege at a house near Nottingham. The man, a certain Mr. William Tell, reported to be an unemployed Swiss migrant worker, was observed acting strangely in his back garden � placing apples on a child�s head then shooting them off with crossbow bolts.
May 14, 2009, 11:01
How to Prevent the Swine Flu Bug
Super Bowl Fever is gone, March Madness is over but April swine flu fever is now spreading throughout the world. dreadful disease has to be stopped dead in its tracks by at least calling it something else. At a news briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack took pains to repeatedly refer to the flu as the "H1N1 virus."
May 14, 2009, 03:13
Suspected Terror Target Reopens After "Mere Killing Spree" Determined
A Smegmadale-on-Sea hotel has reopened after guests were evacuated due a suspected "chemical weapons / terrorist activity incident" following the discovery of the bodies of two women yesterday. The women, who police officers from the Forensic Guesswork division originally suspected committed suicide...
May 14, 2009, 01:02
US Sacks General for Attack of Moral Conscience
The US Defense secretary has forced out the country's commander in Afghanistan, claiming the war there needs "new thinking" after CO General David McKiernan, in a momentary attack of Christian moral conscience, opposed further bombing of civilian targets there as well as in Pakistan and was quoted by the International Herald Shizzletracker as stating � is morally wrong...
May 13, 2009, 06:25
Job Seekers Searching Beyond Uranus
Successful business entrepreneur thinks universally, acts locally. North Carolina's soaring unemployment rate may get a little help later year from little green men, pod people or whatever else may be up there. "The truth is out there" says Jimmy Fred Hudson, founder and CEO of the Upper Cleveland County Alien Space Search Center.
May 13, 2009, 04:33
Merchants Guilty of "Fun Bags Over Function" Price Squeezing
UK High Street �Snob Shop� Marks and Sparks has agreed to end its policy of charging more for larger bras after a campaign by female customers with mega-mammaries. The store took out an advert in morning�s edition of the Daily Shitraker newspaper admitting it had "boobed" and promised to standardise prices across the entire range of cup sizes.
May 13, 2009, 01:39
Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition
A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman's record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since �coming out� and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 � several years older than George Foreman was for his heavyweight belt.
May 12, 2009, 16:20
Beijing Tax Authority Demands Peasants "Light Up"
Chinese state employees have week been ordered to do their patriotic duty to support the local economy - by lighting up a cigarette - and no ifs or �butts�. In Wankin province the order has come down from above that employees of all local government departments, organisations, service centers and corporations must consume at least 23,000 cartons of cigarettes year.
May 12, 2009, 02:47
McCain Reveals Revolutionary "Same-Old" Strategy
Senator John McCain learned a number of important lessons from his failed run at the presidency last November. He learned that no amount of Palin Populism is enough to offset any amount of Palin Insanity, he learned that experience is no match for having the nation behind you, and he learned that the internet is actually a thing that people use.
May 12, 2009, 00:45
Afghan Air Strike Victims Sing �God Bless America�
Shouting "Death to America" and "Death to the government of running dog US puppet Hamid Karzai", thousands of Afghan villagers hurled stones and cobs of festering goat shit at police yesterday as they vented their fury at American air strikes that local officials claim killed over 150 civilians.
May 11, 2009, 17:54
Middle East Caught Harboring WWII-Era Nazi
Pope Benny, the all-new German Mark XVI model, has left Rome for a visit to the Middle East - the first tour of the holy places of Christendom by a Pope since Christianity lost Jerusalem to the great unwashed Islamic hordes of Saladin during the Crusades of the Middle Ages. Benny, labeled by critics as a �former Nazi� and a �religious extremist�, begins his week-long...
May 11, 2009, 14:02
Somalia Pig-Dogs Stricken with Pirate Flu
Fragmented World Health Organisation reports coming out of Somalia assess a swine flu outbreak of pandemic proportions is ravaging the entire country. While the centre � and origin - of the outbreak is reportedly the infamous Somali pirate port of Eyl, the flu has now spread at a geometric rate both north into the Bari peninsula and south down the Skidrow coast to infect a...
May 11, 2009, 09:39
Numpty-Dumpty Skewed News Round-Up
Beijing cracks down on religious groups, viewed as dissidents by the country�s geriatric atheist rulers, yet again. China�s �Thought Police� last night arrested all six members of the immensely fashionable Falun and the Gongs pop group, who are adherents of the Qui Gong mystical religious cult banned by the ruling Politburo.
May 10, 2009, 05:19
Let�s Take Relationship to the Next Level
Jan, these past few months have been incredible. You are an amazing woman, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have someone like you in my life. I know that in the beginning I said we should move slowly, but I am ready to throw all caution to the wind and take the next logical step... I want to Skype with you.
May 10, 2009, 03:36
Unemployed Brit Lands World�s Best Job
A British man has been appointed the new caretaker of an Australian tropical island paradise, a three year contract position described as "the best job in the world". Ben Fuctifino, 34, an unemployed skateboard mechanic from Smegmadale-on-Sea, emerged from a field of over 34,000 applicants.
May 10, 2009, 01:21
Plods Give Barefoot Teen Drunk the Cold Shoulder
Two police officers have defended their decision to let a 14-year-old drunken teenager walk home barefoot shortly before he died of hypothermia on a freezing winter's night. PC�s Numpty and Dumpty were called to the A666 roundabout on the Smegmadale border in January after receiving reports of a mud-covered half-naked male in the road trying to flag down traffic with his underpants.
May 9, 2009, 19:04
Rich Ruskies on Slippery Slopes
With her fire engine-red lipstick, new golden-hued, sequinned ski suit and Chanel sunglasses, Titiana Legover looks ready to take on "glamorous Courchevel". "Nowadays they tend to spend half of what they were spending before - only 50,000 euros," adds Kostas nonchalantly, pausing to chew on a roast swan drumstick.
May 9, 2009, 15:15
Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks
Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world � and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall. A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran.
May 9, 2009, 05:42
Player Pianos Please Crowds, Bore Kids
I'm not sure what sort of impression we're trying to leave you guys with about Nevada City, but in my mind it was a lot of fun, even if a bit out of the way. Though there were some real tourist leeches in town, it's a city hit hard by the exploding (combusting?) gas prices over the summer, and it really is a town well worth your visit, that is, if you can handle the haunted piano hall.
May 8, 2009, 17:49
U2 Headlines Live8; "Oh Crap!" Says African Poverty
LONDON - 2005 has not been a good year for African poverty so far, said analysts on the looming threat of a powerful Live 8 concert. The anticipation of a U2 performance has only made matters worse for African poverty, a longtime global phenomenon and political issue. Spokespeople for African poverty expressed concern over Bono�s ability to rock the continental affliction out of existence forever.
May 8, 2009, 08:36
UK Budget Reveals Economic Wet-Nightmare
The UK�s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is due to issue a Budget statement from his Number 11 Downing Street bunker revealing that the severity of the economic downturn and ensuing recession is likely to be as severe as the one caused by the last Ice Age.
May 8, 2009, 00:36
New Mensa Member Still in Diapers
A two-year-old girl who can name 35 of the US� Bush administration�s war criminals and identify a dozen flavours of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles has become the youngest member to join the high IQ society Mensa. Pedantica van der Pratt, from Smegmadale-on-Sea, has an IQ of 156 and can recite the Labour Party manifesto, count to 15 in Serbo-Croat and name twenty-five types of credit card.
May 7, 2009, 03:01
Botox Betty Steps Closer to Wacko Jacko Appearance
Walking through Smegmadale town centre with Botox Betty and Feral Beryl McScrunt, you immediately notice the number of people staring at them as they walk past, commenting on their moronic Thunderbirds� Lady Penelope facade. In their white (size six), matching shell suits, peroxide blonde hair and rather heavy �Scrubbers� brand make-up, they appear to fit in perfectly...
May 7, 2009, 00:44
Parliamentary Matron Loots Fed Coffer American-Style
A New Labour Muslim peer, who lives in the predominantly Shylock populated East End of London, has claimed in excess of �100,000 in parliamentary expenses on a derelict flat in Kent that neighbours say has been unoccupied since the Dawn of Time. Baroness Uddin, a Bangladeshi immigrant who worked closely with the money-grasping Bliars when they...
May 6, 2009, 10:45
Aussie Transport Minister Drives Like Elderly Asian Woman
In the Australian federal states of New South Wales and Victoria, Transport Minister Kostas Fuctifino has resigned after consistently breaking traffic rules. His abysmal driving record listed no less than 300 traffic offences - including speeding, running red lights, using a mobile for phone sex chats - and masturbating at the wheel, driving under the influence, one instance of hit and run � and unpaid fines totaling several hundred thousand Australian dollars.
May 6, 2009, 06:42
3rd Rate Hatton Floored by 3rd World Thumping
The UK�s skinny white hope Ricky Hatton suffered a devastating second-round defeat in his IBO light-welterweight world title bout against Filipino Manny �The Maneater� Pacquiao in Las Vegas last night. Hatton, 30, was knocked down by a flashing head butt in the first round then floored again by a knee in the bollocks shortly before the bell.
May 6, 2009, 01:06
Charles and Dragonilla Meet Pope Benny
The Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornbeef met briefly with Pope Benny Mk16 at the Vatican afternoon. The Pope, wearing a surgical mask and his trail bike goggles, refused to shake hands with the couple due the Mexican pig flu epidemic spreading to Europe.
May 5, 2009, 13:19
How To Tell if Your Man is Getting Cold Feet
Is your boyfriend sending mixed signals and you aren�t sure how to interpret them? Dr. Melanie Whitter, Relationship Expert and Author of �Reading Between The Lines�, reveals 10 warning signs indicating your guy may be having second thoughts. - 1. He introduces you to his friends as �The Provisional Rebound�. (READ MORE)
May 5, 2009, 09:30
Al Gore's "Cap'n Trade" Cash Cow Scam
Global Warming: At last week�s cap-and-trade carbon exchange hearings it was revealed that, as usual, only the poverty-stricken landless peasant class will suffer from growth-killing energy tax. One congresswoman on the hearings panel had the blatant audacity to ask why sea levels weren't on the rise as per global warming hoax predictions but Al Bore's bank account was rising at a geometric rate.
May 5, 2009, 03:54
Italian Stallion Berlusconi Gets Matrimonial No-Confidence Vote
In an exclusive interview with the Daily Shitraker the wife of Italian Slime Minister Silvio Berlusconi confirmed that she will file for divorce and sue her philandering spouse for what attorneys have postured will be �lots and lots of lovely lira.� Chlamydia Mozarella reportedly said she could no longer abide with a man who "consorted with minors" after her husband attended one of his female chatelaine�s 16th birthday party.
May 4, 2009, 08:08
Panic Flu Vaccine Prevents H1N1
The World Health Organisation�s �Pandemic Panic� Department today disclosed the H1N1 influenza virus currently devastating Mexico was originally mis-diagnosed as seasonal Bean Flu. Mexico has now been literally �closed down� for the past two days, with public and government services abandoned, prompting a legion of foreign plague-mongering journalists to comment they�ve actually not noticed any difference from normal.
May 4, 2009, 06:53
Greedy Grocer Sales Top �1 Billion per Week
The Greedy Grocer supermarket chain has reported underlying annual pre-tax profits of �300.15 billion, an improvement of 1000% on the previous year. Its sales topped �1 billion a week for the first time with group sales coming in at �65.4 billion : an amount City of London economic experts and banksters refer to as �lots and lots of fucking money�.
May 4, 2009, 01:55
Storm Chasers Flee the Road, Opt for Trailer Parks
SHREDDED WHEAT, OK � Frustrated and disappointed after years of chasing radar blips of storms across the Plains states with only rare sightings of their darling tornados, Storm Chaser videographers year have implemented a change of tactics. Now Storm Chasers rely on something which frankly scares the bejeezus out of them: statistics.
May 3, 2009, 08:29
Kooky-Man Alan Keyes Warns Against Obama, Jealousy
The Zionist � Israeli controlled Obama government will stage further false flag terror attacks in the same mold as 9/11 to generate an excuse for declaring martial law. is the ominous prediction of perma-tanned Alan Lee Keyes - a conservative politician, of African descent - just like President Barack Obama - but one whom can actually prove he was born in the United States after the passage of the 13th Amendment.
May 3, 2009, 01:54
Obama Set to Name "Piracy Czar"
The Obama administration will be naming Johnny Depp as Special Adviser to the President to control piracy on the high seas. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano was expected to announce the appointment on Wednesday, during her visit with Richard Phillips, Captain of the Maersk ship Alabama, upon his return home in Vermont.
May 2, 2009, 16:35
Double-Top-Secret "CEO Training Manual for Dummies" Found
A custodian cleaning the men�s restroom at Pedro�s Famous Fatty Fried Food and Please Touch Military Explosives Museum at 4:00 a.m. today found a left behind copy of the "S&P 500 CEO Training Manual for Dummies." Discovered on the floor of the far end stall, the large print, spiral-bound picture book was hidden beneath a pile of sticky paged porno magazines, crushed beer cans, and cigar butts.
May 2, 2009, 08:22
New UK Classroom Powers to be Invoked
Troops on leave in the UK from tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan should be deployed to support teachers dealing with bad behaviour in the classrooms, according to a report by the Asbo Gazette on discipline in schools. The study by the government's bad behaviour mandarin Lord Peter Scandalson says school leaders do not make enough use of powers to deal with problem pupils...
May 2, 2009, 01:45
Israel�s Rabid Regime Ready to Open Pandora�s Box
The Israeli military is preparing itself to launch a massive aerial assault on Iran's nuclear facilities within hours of being given the go-ahead by its newly-installed madcap Netanyahu-led coalition government. Among the steps taken to ready Israeli forces for what would be a risky raid requiring pinpoint aerial strikes are the acquisition of Snitch and Grasser spy drones...
May 1, 2009, 10:49
I Fundamentally Disagree with My Mother
" Daytime talk show appearance will finally give me a chance to show people how unreasonable my mom is (with English subtitles)" You know how like when your mom is such a bitch, you�re like, what the f*ck, and she�s all, I don�t give a f*ck? My bitch mom is taking me on the Maury show so I can finally prove what a skank-ass slut she is to all the people.
May 1, 2009, 03:47
Swine Flu: Inappropriate Questions Answered
Illuminati NWO agents provocateur around the world are striving to spread a new flu virus suspected of killing more than 300 people in Mexico after being pilfered from the Fort Detrick US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Disease then released in Mexico City to start a global pandemic.
May 1, 2009, 00:31
Global Trend of Shoe-Icide Attacks on World Leaders
The recent "shoe-icide" attack on George Bush by an Iraqi journalist triggered an outbreak of shoe assaults on an elite roster of national leaders. Shoe-hurling based protests have targetted such high profile figures as Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao, the British prime minister�s Downing St residence as well as Israel�s ambassador to Sweden, Benny Dagan just to name a few.
Apr 30, 2009, 19:43
Tamiflu Wecomes Global Cull of Non-Customers via Swine Flu
Mexican authorities are taking drastic measures to contain a deadly new strain of the potent Piggy Wiggy Swine Flu virus that has killed what statisticians refer to as �a whole lot of fucking people� and woken the world�s landless peasants up to the fact that time it might well be the real thing: a plague of Biblical proportions to wipe out a few billion...
Apr 30, 2009, 14:30
Preschooler Found Abusing Siesta Concession
Perplexing Times runs a pretty lax office. We don't ask anyone to wear neckties; never require such formalities as "sir" or "mister"; and we routinely permit siestas even though we try like crazy not to take them. And, even though they're allowed, as of late it seems that even our most loyal employees have been abusing it.
Apr 30, 2009, 03:29
UK Society Goes Totally Paranoid
The mental health charity �Headbangers� is calling for a nationwide campaign to protect the UK's growing population of paranoid psychotics after a survey suggested people were growing ever more anxious and fretting over where their next meal might be coming from - or if the local Masonic lodge was eyeing up snatching their infant blonde, blue-eyed kids for one of their ritual Satanic sacrifices.
Apr 29, 2009, 22:56
Numpty Dumpty Saudis Ban �Lewd� Car Plates
Saudi Arabia, demonstrating yet another of its �Alice in Wonderland� firsts, has banned vehicle number plates which are seen as "offensive" in English when Arabic letters are translated into the Latin alphabet, according to a report in morning�s Camel Bonkers Review. The Saudi national newspaper said the banned words included �TITS� and �ASS�, but the list was topped by the letters �USA�.
Apr 29, 2009, 08:38
Man Arrested For Having Pot Pig
The Daily Shitraker is investigating reports that a team of armed police officers kicked in the front door of a British pensioner�s house at 05:00 in the morning, tasered him as he tried to get out of bed, then hauled him off � handcuffed and with a black bag over his head � in the back of an unmarked van.
Apr 29, 2009, 03:20
Brits Believe in Heaven... and Hell
The majority of Britons believe in Heaven and a life after their mortgage is paid, according to a yet another pointless survey jointly undertaken by New Labour�s Ministry of Superstitions and the government-funded Tavistock Institute for Wasting Taxpayers Money. The survey of 25 million unemployed landless peasants showed 55% believe they�ll receive Jobseeker�s Allowance or DSS welfare benefits until...
Apr 28, 2009, 09:55
O Porno Mio: Sophia Loren's Alleged Career
According to a German site, the ever-gorgeous Italian superstar Sophia Loren dabbled in the pornographic arts before she met her hero husband Carlo Ponti. I don't read German, but through the translating semi miracle that is AltavistaTranslation - I was able to turn : (READ MORE)
Apr 28, 2009, 05:34
Soldier�s �Lucky Bullet� Escape
A soldier has been described as "the luckiest twat in the British Army" after a bullet fired by a Taliban Dan Brigade sniper impacted his helmet and went in one ear and out the other, missing his brain by millimeters. Private Norman �Numpty� Dumpty, 16, a Territorial Army �Asbo Regiment� soldier from Smegmadale, was knocked over by the impact of the shot in Afghanistan.
Apr 28, 2009, 02:33
The Dark Side of the Dirty Dubai Dream
It�s a place in the sun for over a million people with any money who holiday there every time the wind blows cold or it pisses down with rain in the inclement Northern climes. It boasts a host of luxury apartments and villas, attracting rich and shameless jet-setting celebrity scumbags from all over the globe.
Apr 27, 2009, 22:39
NBC to Produce Reality Show About Reality Show Viewers
Los Angeles, CA- Sources have confirmed that Paul Wiley, second cousin to �Survivor� producer Mark Burnett, is in talks with NBC to create a new reality show centered around people who watch reality shows. �At first I thought the idea was a bit over the top�, Wiley said in a news conference Friday.
Apr 27, 2009, 04:42
Wrigley Pig Chewing Gum Factory Closes
Three thousand staff at a UK chewing gum factory are to be laid off due to fresh bonkers Big Brother legislation from the EU fascist dictators in Brussels. Staff at the Wrigley Pig gum factory in the Bendover area of Smegmadale will be made redundant after the Easter break following a slump in chewing gum sales due the imposition of tough new EU legislation banning the sale of gum throughout the European community because of it being spit out and fouling pavements...
Apr 27, 2009, 01:43
Case of Blake �The Pot� Calling Amy �The Kettle� Black
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'. Amy Winehouse must have said yes, yes, yes when her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil checked himself into rehab. Apparently Blake was out sowing his wild oats while Amy was home with Ray. It was revealed that might have all been just a set up by Amy to undermine Blake�s effort to extract millions from her.
Apr 26, 2009, 20:50
Council's Snooping Powers to be Axed
Councils in England and Wales should not use surveillance powers for minor offenses such as targeting gatherings of local anti-Christ Asbo hoodies congregating on street corners and mugging passers-by, the Second Home Secretary informed a reporter from the Expense/Kiddy Fiddler�s Gazette.
Apr 26, 2009, 17:43
Obama's Brother on UK Sex Offenders Watch List
The UK�s number one scandal dredging newspaper has week unearthed a buried immigration report that US President Barky O�Barmy's half-brother was denied a visa to enter Britain following accusations he attempted to sexually assault a group of young British �white� girls. The Daily Shitraker newspaper reports that Samson O�Barmy, a real Kenyan national who doesn�t claim to have been born in Hawaii, tried to enter Britain...
Apr 26, 2009, 10:29
Lord Adonis Meets Thomas the Tank Engine
Commuters frustrated to the point of committing ritual suicide on a daily basis over the incessant delays and cancellations of the UK�s Rattle Track train service got hands-on direct access to Transport Minister Lord Adonis when he embarked upon a Norse saga rail voyage across Britain week. Traveling incognito to avoid being spit on and verbally abused by multitudes of passengers � or physically assaulted � Adonis told...
Apr 25, 2009, 08:27
College Sophomore Constantly Visiting Old Dorm
DURANGO, CO - Fort Lewis College freshman Sarah Dodge filed a complaint yesterday, alleging that Sophomore Christine Milton made repeated attempts to reminisce in her dorm room over the past week. According to campus officials, Milton occupied the dorm room last year. �Sophomore reminiscing, or �quailing,� has been a growing issue on campuses since the first case was formally reported in 1947,�...
Apr 25, 2009, 06:22
Royal Families of Europe all Inbred Mutants
A new study by the Institute of Mutantology just leaked to the Daily Shitraker reveals that chronic inbreeding caused the demise of the royal Spanish Hapsburg dynasty, reducing the potency of their DNA to the constituency of minestrone soup. The Hapsburgs, one of Europe's most powerful royal dynasties, was so obsessed with securing its blue-blooded inheritance through family marriages that it brought about its own extinction...
Apr 25, 2009, 01:24
Romeo�s Roto-Reamer to Offer Colonoscopies In-Home
JACKSON HOLE, WY �Romeo�s Roto-Reamer (RRR), a leading U.S.. plumbing specialist company, today announces that it will immediately begin offering in-home colonoscopies as well as its traditional house sewer pipe services. Company spokesperson Digger Butz says, �Colonoscopies are an obvious product line extension for us, since we already possess cutting edge pipe technologies, know-how, and a love of dark, disgusting, smelly places.
Apr 24, 2009, 04:17
Russia Demands Halt to NATO Exercises in Georgia
Russia is demanding the cancellation of Nato exercises in Georgia saying they are a US-Zionist provocation aimed purposely at what Prime Minister Dumitri Medevac termed �political shit-stirring and games of Western one-upmanship�. Moscow believes that the planned war games in May "can only complicate further the political and military situations in the region which are a total fuck-up to start with".
Apr 24, 2009, 01:22
China's Hi-Tech Exam Swindlers Jailed
Two hundred-plus parents and teachers who used hi-tech� space-age equipment to help children cheat in Chinese civil service exams have been sent to Wang-King�s infamous Smiley Face Organ Donor prison. They were given sentences of between ten to twenty-five years after being found guilty of espionage in obtaining state secrets (exam questions).
Apr 23, 2009, 07:34
Fat Gits Causing Global Warming
week�s Dogwanker�s Review headline reveals that being overweight is bad for the environment as well as your health, according to the results of a leaked survey financed by the Ministry for Wasting Money. Researchers at the London School for Idiotic Studies found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than skinny people...
Apr 23, 2009, 03:05
Brits Know Ten Recipes by Heart
The average British common or garden peasant can make ten meals from scratch without having to look at a recipe, according to a recent survey carried out by Channel 69�s �Pigswill Platters� programme. Cheese on toast is the most popular dish in England with 55% of people saying they know the recipe by heart, 20% claiming to have a relative who cooks it on a regular basis...
Apr 22, 2009, 20:09
Tapping Aside, Fish Beg Don't "Pounce" on the Glass
If you've ever seen an aquarium, you've surely seen the signs, heard the adage or experienced the fish-keepers verbal wrath of "don't tap on the glass." I'm almost three-years old, so I already know better than that, but there's a much better way to get the fishes attention, and that's the equally forbidden, but less-well-known concept of pouncing on the glass.
Apr 22, 2009, 11:50
World�s Oldest Woman Celebrates Birthday
On the sacred North Atlantic isle of Rockall, the beloved of weather forecast enthusiasts across the globe, Ms. Candida McTwat celebrates her 176th birthday, giving photo journalists a rare treat of the varicose veins lining her centenarian upper thighs as she performs a series of flesh-revealing erotic pole dancing moves around a No Parking sign outside the Cormorant Strangler�s Arms.
Apr 22, 2009, 03:16
Britain Faces Food Price Hike Crisis
A crisis is unfolding in the UK as the once-pompous middle classes join the ranks of the common or garden landless peasants and millions of unemployed paupers and penniless bankers in the struggle with rising food prices and living in cardboard boxes, the Save Yer Own Arse charity has warned. It comes as new figures from the Greedy Grocer magazine show food prices rose at a similar level to those in Zimbabwe.
Apr 21, 2009, 21:08
Somali Pirates Lured to Deaths by Ruse Floating Tiki Bar
Wave after wave of heavily armed Somali pirates have been lured to their deaths by offers of free rum at a floating Tiki Bar shown on treasure map leaflets dropped into that country. Using the time honored method of a treasure map to attract Somali pirates, the U.S. Navy has launched a highly successful campaign to wipe out recent scourge of the high seas.
Apr 21, 2009, 18:07
Iran Cracks Down on Internet Porn
In the biggest crackdown since the last big crackdown Iran has arrested thousands of men and women on a wide array of charges relating to adult pornography and the Mid- East Facebook favorite of goat bonking via webcam. The recent arrests made by the fundamentalist Islamic Revolutionary Guards also mark another operational change for the complex military organization.
Apr 21, 2009, 13:10
Obama Pardons the Hell Out of Bush-era CIA Torturers
US President Barky Obama Llama Ding Dong today informed a reporter from the Extreme Rendition Gazette that CIA thugs who used �persuasive� techniques on nasty and evil terrorism suspects during the Bush era will not be prosecuted. Mr. Obama banned the use of interrogation methods such as Auto da Fe and blinding with hot irons during his first week in office but considers scrotum squashing and water boarding to be �character-developing rites of passage�.
Apr 20, 2009, 18:01
Cool IMAX Tech Wasted on Lame Documentaries
MISSISSAUGA, ONTARIO - The IMAX corporation has been wasting its wickedly cool film technology, boasting towering 8-story screens, on lame educational films for 35 years, sources reported Friday. Although no spokesperson from IMAX was available for comment, reporters confirmed that IMAX has indeed spent the past quarter of a century lending its totally bitching 70mm film format to �lame-ass, boring-as-hell informative turds.�
Apr 20, 2009, 05:23
Numpty Dumpty News in Brief
The New Labour government�s scandal-beleaguered Jacqui �Second Home� Secretary Smith plays the �Poor me � I�m only a silly woman� card excuse today in a pathetic attempt to divert attention from her exposed material excesses and belay pressures on her to do the right thing and resign � (preferably in the fashion of disgraced Japanese politicos � by committing ritual seppuku) over her avaricious parliamentary expense claims.
Apr 20, 2009, 02:35
Cornish Pensioner Wins Formula One Race
An 87-year-old Cornish woman visiting her daughter in Kent set new speed records when her mobility scooter shot off out of control yesterday after she and husband Morton had enjoyed a light liquid lunch at the local Limping Lobster public house. Gladys, who was visiting family in Swanley, told a reporter from the Geriatrics Extreme Sports Review that she had only downed around twelve pints of draught Guinness...
Apr 19, 2009, 12:48
Airlines Admit Child Airfare Cheaper for Liars
I may be many things, but one I'm not is a liar. Sure, I may fudge when it comes to curiously missing chocolates or point the finger when it comes to my turn in the blame game, but I don't admit to lying, even when I'm lying down. If not telling the truth is lying, then here's hoping we all can make a tidy fistful of Benjamins every time we do it. Tell you one thing, we sure did time.
Apr 19, 2009, 04:41
Teen Learns Adoptive Parents Actually Birth Parents
Seattle, WA-After a search that began nearly two years ago, a teenage girl has found her birth parents, who, in a bizarre twist of events, are the same people who adopted her 17 years earlier. �It�s just so surreal�, Samantha Dickson says about the shocking discovery. �I spent countless hours online investigating leads and searching databases, only to find out the woman who gave birth to me was the same woman who has raised me all these years.
Apr 18, 2009, 17:26
Monty Zuma Corruption Charges Dropped
Prosecutors in South Africa have announced they are dropping corruption charges against the Flying Circus Party (FCP) leader Monty Zuma. Chief prosecutor Motok Moped Zuma (no relation) said a phone-tap device to eavesdrop on political interference in the investigation had been planted � in a flower pot inside Mr. Zuma�s office.
Apr 18, 2009, 06:38
Jewish Judge Heads Israeli War Crimes Investigation
A Jewish judge today informed the legal correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he was 'shocked' to be named as head of a Zionist-controlled UN investigation into claims of Israeli war crimes in the Gaza Strip. Reuben ben Gallstone, a South African jurist, will examine allegations that soldiers killed civilians, specifically targeting pregnant women...
Apr 17, 2009, 13:22
Happy Days Are Here Again
We've all heard about the recession or worse, the dreaded D-word. Jobless claims soar. Tent cities spring up like mushrooms. The government offers more stimulus packages than the Bunny Ranch. Stock markets tank. Retirement funds disappear. Yesterday's stellar home values become today's hovel values. Misery abounds. Until now, that is.
Apr 17, 2009, 08:57
Thai Protestors Screw up Asean Leaders� Summit
A summit of Asian leaders, in Thailand to discuss a fair splits agreement regarding divvying up income from the region�s drugs trade and endemic corruption, has been postponed after anti-government protesters broke into the venue at the southern beach resort of Pattaya. The Thai government has declared a state of emergency in Pattaya...
Apr 17, 2009, 05:29
Little-Known Hints for Central America Travel
The following are some helpful guidelines for solo travelers visiting Central America for the first time. Feel free to print list and refer to it throughout your visit to beautiful, yet culturally diverse region. 1. Bring anti-nausea medication with you at all times. Accept the fact you will get violently ill anyway. 2. Don�t assume that your new Nicaraguan boyfriend is serious when...
Apr 16, 2009, 03:13
Rhubarbe's Rabid Attack Bitch: HK Charges Nixed
Grace Mugabe granted immunity from prosecution for her attack on UK Times reporter in January in Hong Kong. The wife of 125-year-old geriatric Zimbabwean President Robert Rhubarbe has been granted diplomatic immunity over an alleged mad dog attack against a British press photographer in Hong Kong.
Apr 15, 2009, 10:48
Crush on Dora of Explorer Fame Finally Reality
Like any good American, I watch an inordinate, almost embarrassing amount of television. Personally, I'm partial to cartoons and shows involving adults dressed as oversized animals, typically dancing around while pretending to teach some lesson or other, but what I'm most partial to is that most alluring of child-centric starlets, Dora the Explorer.
Apr 15, 2009, 06:31
Downing St. Nuts Deep in E-Mail Smears Scandal
A chain of malicious and libelous e-mails smearing top Tories that led to the resignation of yet another senior New Labour party scumbag were published morning in the Sunday Shitraker. Damian McScrunt, the Prime Minister's No. 10-based podgy political press officer, quit after his �hate mail� messages were picked up and published on a Westminster expose blog.
Apr 15, 2009, 03:27
Counter-Terror Chief Quits Due Major Snafu
Britain's top counter-terrorism officer has quit after admitting he had caused an operational clusterboink of Biblical proportions. Captain Blob Slow resigned after he accidentally revealed a string of top secret documents concerning an imminent terrorist attack on the UK to a group of Islamic terrorists due mistaking them for friendly Mid-Eastern journalist types.
Apr 14, 2009, 23:41
Stodgy Old Taco Bell Franchisee Won't Do Nat'l Promos
OGVILLE, WI � Stuffy Taco Bell franchisee Herbert Dalham, 66, consistently refuses to relay new corporate product offerings to Ogville residents, sources reported Friday. Although the fast food giant�s national advertising campaigns reach Ogville through Milwaukee network television affiliates, the community�s 8,000 residents all know that they must drive 50 miles to one of two Jessup�s Landing locations to sample revolutionary taco variations such as �Fresco Style� selections and the �Enchirito� Burrito/Enchilada hybrid.
Apr 14, 2009, 12:36
Teleprompter President to End Nuclear Threat
The new Kenyan President of the US, Barack Obama, has outlined his vision of a world free of nuclear weapons, and other high cholesterol threats such as dolly mixtures, kimchi, fermented shrimp paste, depleted wasabi and chilli sauce, in a major speech to a troop of Asbo hoodies doing forced community service duty, packing carrier bags, at the UK�s prestigious Greedy Grocer supermarket.
Apr 14, 2009, 09:24
Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick
Billy Bob Thornton is an Oscar winning writer and Oscar nominated actor, though he's perhaps best known for his position as the one-time daddy figure husband of Angelina Jolie. He's also known by literally hundred of the world's citizens as the powerhouse behind the hillbilly fusion band "The Boxmasters". Following a particularly humiliating interview on CBC's Radio Show "Q"...
Apr 13, 2009, 06:37
Man Strongly Opposed To Pyramid Selling Schemes
Chicago, Illinois- A local man is speaking out against multi-level marketing (MLM), claiming a pyramid selling scheme he was about to invest in was a hoax. �From now on, I will only buy pyramids from reputable companies�, says Louie Bidwell, an avid collector of ancient Egyptian artifacts who feels he was tricked into attending an MLM seminar earlier year.
Apr 13, 2009, 05:46
Michelle Obama Commits Royal Faux Pas
Displaying a total lack of tact or comprehension for diplomatic protocols, when US first lady Michelle O�Barmy was formally introduced to Queen Elizabeth at the Buckingham Palace G20 greeting ceremony week she ran towards her - screeching out in hysterical fashion �Lizzie baby � come here girl � I wants to gives you one sure fire sisterly huggin�.�
Apr 12, 2009, 23:39
Easter Eggriculture Less Hunting-Based than Gathering
Despite my frequent monkeying around, I'm not a lesser evolved primate. I know that because I know art, but as much because humans didn't come from apes. It's not just that I'm more bald and less likely to wear a diaper, but because evolution takes more than 6,000 years, but either way, I know I'm more of a gatherer than a hunter, and Easter eggs veritably prove it.
Apr 12, 2009, 08:02
Bishop Pushes for St. George's Bank Holiday
The Archbishop of Smegmadale, a Ugandan gentleman with a remarkable suntan, has said that making St George's Day a public holiday would give everyone in England a well-deserved stress-relieving break from their mortgage and recession worries and take their minds off the hopeless government we have to suffer under. Dr. Umboka O�Dinga asked an audience of unemployed hoodies in Oxford: "Has the time come to make the Feast of St George...
Apr 11, 2009, 08:37
Masked Thief Claims He's the Easter Bunny
Last night a man wearing a bunny mask was spotted in an area home attempting to steal candy and chocolate covered cookies claiming he was the Easter Bunny and that he had simply returned to reclaim his forgotten sweets. The perpetrator, whose identity has not been disclosed, was spotted in the living room wearing an exceptionally lifelike mask, already holding the candy in his hands.
Apr 11, 2009, 03:16
4-Second Inter-Preview Lull Creates 300 Film Critics
COVINA, CA � The brief moment of silence between two movie previews abruptly transformed into an open forum for 300 whispering, amateur film critics, sources reported Monday. The critics, most of who trekked to the Covina Gigaplex 30 to see The Legend of Zorro, spend the solid four seconds of silence announcing in indiscreet whispers whether they planned to see the film Zathura, which had just been advertised.
Apr 10, 2009, 21:19
G20 Riot Squad Plods Murder Innocent Passer-By
The Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) has hinted that police might possibly have said �Hello� to a man who died at the G20 summit meeting protests on Wednesday, shortly before his death. Earlier in the day City of London police had refused to be drawn on reports of eyewitness statements declaring Ian Tomlinson, 47, had the proverbial shit knocked out of him.
Apr 10, 2009, 04:33
Nevada Weighing Merits of Pimp Tax
The Nevada state legislature is viewing adding a state tax on prostitution. Let's get the important part out of the way first; they are propositioning to add an additional $5 to retain "legal" prostitute's services. No details on whether that is applied per session or broken down per trick. Having lived in Nevada for almost three years I can say that there is a 'Laissez-Faire' attitude about particular profession.
Apr 9, 2009, 08:47
North Korea Building Space Station
North Korea has defied international warnings and gone ahead with a controversial rocket launch to deliver thousands of lengths of bamboo to their orbital Ramen Noodle One space station construction site. The state-run �Big Brother Bonkers Broadcasting� station proudly announced North Korea had succeeded in putting the bamboo payload and two Kimchi-nauts into orbit after yesterday�s 02:30 GMT launch.
Apr 9, 2009, 01:36
Take-Over Makes Me Realize How Boring You Are
Don�t get me wrong, Sheila. Its not like I have spent the last two years in the cubicle down the hall believing you were some kind of adrenaline junkie or anything. But ever since our Company got taken over by those rich, foreign guys who don�t know what to do with us next, I spend a good portion of my day listening to you discuss the intimate details of your personal life.
Apr 8, 2009, 10:42
MP's Expenses Worse than Banker's Bonuses
Unemployment minister Tony McNumpty told a reporter from the Shitrakers Weekly Review he did nothing wrong by claiming second-home expenses on a shed in the garden of the London house where his parents live due every other MP and their dog milking the same scheme for all it�s worth as the cloth-eared tax-paying public are too stupid to understand they�re getting ripped-off.
Apr 8, 2009, 03:20
All "Funniest Home Videos" the Six Same Jokes
BURBANK, CA - Entertainment researchers released a study Wednesday that found that every home video ever submitted to ABC�s America�s Funniest Home Videos since the program�s debut in 1989 has fallen under one of six very narrow plot categories. According to researchers, the spectrum of topics considered �submissionworthy� by AFV�s viewing demographic is shockingly finite, making it very easy for analysts to classify them.
Apr 7, 2009, 19:08
Madonna to Adopt Whole of Darkest Africa
Pop star Madonna has been urged by the �Save the Children� charity not to take their banner too seriously and reconsider her apparent plans to adopt every orphaned child in Africa. African National Congress officials told reporters that the celebrity super-slapper arrived in Cape Town last week at the start of a drive north to Egypt, criss-crossing the entire continent, adopting children by the thousands as she goes.
Apr 7, 2009, 09:40
Anti-Smoking Ad Terrifies Kids
UK advertising regulatory body hits out at TV ad aimed at getting parents to quit smoking by illustrating emotional reaction from children viz their habit. A government advert aimed at convincing parents to give up smoking petrified children and broke every rule in the book, the Advertising Standards Authority says. The independent regulator ruled that the "I'm not scared" TV advert, which attracted 56,000 complaints overall, should not be shown before mid-night.
Apr 6, 2009, 06:43
Credit Cards Fear Rein of Evil May Be Over
After decades of predatory lending practices and hidden compounded fees, major credit card companies are beginning to reexamine their business model based on evil. �What I can�t believe is that congress thinks they can just come in here and tell us how to do business,� says outraged Visa CEO Joseph Saunders. �I mean without low introductory rates that change on a dime to 25 to 35% without reason or warning�.I just don�t know how we can profitable."
Apr 6, 2009, 01:15
Emus Gone Wild in Whitehouse Garden
Outraged by the White House�s newest shovel-ready project to plant a 1,100 square foot organic vegetable and fruit garden on its South Lawn, carnivore activists and pesticide trade groups have joined forces. They have demanded equal access to White House grounds. The carnivores proposed that the Rose Garden be converted to a grazing area for a flock of sheep or possibly emus.
Apr 5, 2009, 12:02
Millions of Brits Get Terror Training
New Labour training common or garden civilians to be Big Brother 'terrorist' spies. Millions of UK workers are being trained to help respond to future terror attacks as part of an updated counter-terrorist strategy, a government spokesman informed the propaganda media afternoon. �Second Home� Secretary Jacqui �Stabvest� Smith later added that shop and hotel workers would be among 10,000,000 people being trained to...
Apr 4, 2009, 06:51
Pope Benny Gets Laid on African Tour
The world�s gutter press tabloids and radical anarchist websites are rife with rumours that Pope Benny, the all-new German built Mk XVI papal model, while on a Beg & Bless mission in Cameroon last week, got his wrinkly old celibate ass laid big-time. While the Vatican Gestapo have been quick to stamp on the news reports emanating from Cameroon, and even faster in dispatching rumour-mongering members of Rome�s salivating paparazzi...
Apr 4, 2009, 02:40
Study on Penis Size Shows No Hard Evidence
PHOENIX, AZ - The National Institute for the Promotion of Penis Length Expertise released a study Friday suggesting that no hard evidence could support the popular legend that penis size is related to shoe size, ethnicity, Hummer ownership, or subwoofer wattage. The study, considered by some participants a stroke of genius, observed a broad range of penises and collected soft data over a 4-month period...
Apr 3, 2009, 06:08
Nation to Solve Economic Crisis by Hitting Up Coinstar
President Obama and congressional leaders announced today that the nation's economic crisis will be solved by making a single trip to a nearby Coinstar machine. With on-going wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and decades of unprecedented domestic spending, the nation has built up an enormous sum of loose change over the past several years, in treasuries, federal banks and oversized coffee mugs across the nation's capital.
Apr 1, 2009, 04:37
McCain Earmarks $50 million for Bigfoot Research
In a shocking move on Tuesday, long time sufferer of osteoporosis and, incidentally, veteran tongue-flapper of the United States Senate, John McCain, earmarked fifty million dollars for state Big-Foot research in Arizona. decision came immediately on the heels of a recent seven-day trip McCain took into the heart of the Casa Grande ruins, a bleak and disturbing sprawl of dust and nothingness just outside the thriving city of Coolidge.
Mar 31, 2009, 11:08
Sino Leather Preservative May Cause Leprosy
A judge is expected to order several UK retailers to pay millions of pounds to people who developed leprosy and suffered radiation poisoning rashes and galloping skin rot from faulty leather sofas and fetish sex BD/SM outfits. The Leprosy Gazette now has evidence that Argrot, Wormsleys and Lesion Land accept liability for the septic scabs outbreak - subject to it being proved that afflictions were caused by the sofas.
Mar 30, 2009, 03:23
Tracy Morgan Reveals Youth Secret: Blackness
Tracy Morgan, long a castmember on Saturday Night Live, has spent three-years in the weekly limelight as a supporting cast member on 30 Rock. Despite the subtle ravages these few short years have wreaked on Alec Baldwin, Jane Krakowski and the guy that plays Frank, Tracy Morgan hasn't aged more than a few minutes since his early days on SNL. His secret, long closely gaurded, is finally revealed: he's black.
Mar 29, 2009, 07:11
Word Search Puzzles Delay Alzheimer's
Recent studies indicate that patients who regularly complete word searches are 64% less likely to develop early Alzheimer's symptoms or mistake cheddar for family members. Apparently the harder the word search the better, as those who completed puzzles with lots of backward diagonal words fared better still, and also at healthier.
Mar 28, 2009, 17:40
Introducing the Cosmic Boink Theory
I had just read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but was left unfulfilled, hanging and wondering. Philosophically, I question explanation of cause and effect, the idea that every action by a living organism in world begets a reaction somewhere else. I have decided to frame my interpretation of in grander, yet simpler terms...
Mar 27, 2009, 21:01
Glossy News Logo Competition Launched
Glossy News is due for a visual update. We've made some pretty significant changes to our look, feel and functionality in the past few months, but we're still planning on a complete overhaul before the year ends. The biggest thing we need right now is a new logo. If you've got the chops to whip us up a new logo, we've got prizes a' plenty for your submissions.
Mar 26, 2009, 04:18
India Launches First Moon Rocket
India launched its first unmanned mission to the Moon, Chandrayaan-1, morning in a bid to close the gap with China in what is shaping up as a 21st century Asian version of the Space Race between the United States and the Soviet Union. An Indian-made rocket carrying Chandrayaan, shown in above picture, which means Moon Vehicle in Sanskrit � blasted off at 6.20am local time.
Mar 26, 2009, 01:20
Dubious "Intelligience Density" Theory Proposed
A Major Fluctuation in the Intelligence Density Biome Has Occurred - In a revealing and colorful PowerPoint presentation to the annual Progressive Deconstructionist Convention, Maxwell Phlegmeir, Ph.D., has released disturbing new statistics charting the progress of �Everybody Gets Left Behind� and other Administration-sponsored programs.
Mar 24, 2009, 03:57
Anybody Realize How Much Keanu Made Off the Matrix?
If you're a big fan of The Matrix, or The Matrix Reloaded, you likely assume Keanu Reeves earned a hefty Hollywood sum, and you'd be partly right. He did earn a massive pile of money, but it was more like a Kingly sum. Of course, if you're a big fan of The Matrix Revolutions, you're either imaginary or someone who hasn't actually seen the film.
Mar 22, 2009, 06:05
Glossy News Is Looking for New Satire Writers
If you write satire, or you've just always wanted to, submit your story to Glossy News. Our stories are regularly picked up by HumorFeed as well as Google News, so if you think you've got the chops and you're ready for the exposure, is your big chance. No more must you limit yourself to critical letters to the editor, now you can put your brain where your mouth is� sexy!
Mar 21, 2009, 00:42
Green Group's "Oil Burning Protest" Misses Mark
Environmental activist group Save Only Planet, or STOP, organized a small march on the headquarters of the Exxon Mobil Corporation today, culminating in a protest "oil burning demonstration," which experts estimate released "enough toxic fumes and greenhouse emissions to drive several species extinct." Exxon reps were unable to comment, since the group also failed to perform their protest in the correct state.
Mar 19, 2009, 07:31
Max Headroom Grills Jennifer Aniston
Tabloid angel Jennifer Aniston used to appear on the hit NBC Friends. Thanks to the magic of fiction, we've been able to secure exclusive interview as it may have happened, had it happened, and if we hadn't run some pretty shocking fabricated news about her in the past.
Mar 17, 2009, 12:56
Joe Scarborough: Wrong on Stewart, Wrong on Cramer
In a clip from March 10th, Joe Scarborough stepped up to defend fellow CNBC personality Jim Cramer. Well, not so much defend him as cut down Jon Stewart and the staff of The Daily Show. In a typically Scarborough display of laziness and dishonesty, however, he made a lot of claims that just weren't true.
Mar 15, 2009, 06:56
Brown to Go Down on Every Member of Congress
In his latest attempt to curry favour with the American political classes, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced his intention to perform oral sex on all U.S. Representatives and Senators before he flies home. Details are as sketchy as the 535 proposed acts, and there's no word yet on whether or not a fluffer will be on-hand to "warm up the crowd".
Mar 12, 2009, 15:24
Spears' Hairless Kitty Shocked Over Working Microphone
Britney Spears made a recent appearance on stage in Tampa, Florida. Apparently, so too did her jammy, temperamental, hairless kitty, who was both called out by Miss Spears, and utterly humiliated. As a song went to black, something Miss Spears insists she's only done "a few times", paparazzi pop diva Britney Spears audibly cried out, "My pussy is hanging out!"
Mar 9, 2009, 20:39
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga for Nintendo Wii
Of all the cut-rate games I've bought for the Nintendo Wii, none meant much for me than headache. After buying the Nintendo Play (which came with a controller, so I was warned to have low expectations,) and falling for another title I won't even bother naming, my faith in the system was entirely shaken� and then I found Lego Star Wars, and my modern gaming life just may now be complete.
Mar 8, 2009, 07:49
Limbaugh Does Lead the GOP � And Here's Why
Republicans are all in a tizzy over the supposed concession from democratic leaders that radio personality Rush Limbaugh is the de facto leader of the Grand Old Party. Republicans have called the move "cynical" and an "outrage", among other things, while failing to understand the reasoning behind it. The party was waiting for a leader to step up, Limbaugh took the reigns and nobody stopped him� Why is that so hard to understand?
Mar 6, 2009, 05:26
Costco Shopper Booted After 14th Free Cracker
Costco management took the unprecedented step of removing a shopper from its Oakland, California store for abusing it�s free sample program. Bill Wentworth of San Jose, CA was forcibly ushered to the exit after management spotted him eating a 14th lobster dip cracker.
Mar 3, 2009, 02:48
Special Report: How To Damn the Man
If you're anything like me, surely you have a certain distaste for "the man", whichever of the many "the mans" that may be, but what can regular folk do to show their distaste? It isn't easy, but there are a few ways you can show your dissatisfaction and damn that very same man.
Mar 1, 2009, 04:23
Suleman Ponders Cool Million for Hardcore: Enter the Octovaginarian
It's just so crazy even a satire site like us couldn't possibly make it up. Yes, the infamous trailer Octomom Nadya Suleman may be considering a million dollar deal to star in a pornographic film, according to a Fox News article today. Sure, Fox News is one of only a handful of "news" sites less credible than us, but they have advertisers, so it must be as true as it is nasty, baggy, and obscene in ways I dare not imagine.
Feb 26, 2009, 15:00
U.S. Saves Video Games Around the World
In a precedent move today the United States Securities and Exchange Commission has granted a $2.5 billion bailout to the Interactive Electronic Arts business group. In an emergency hearing held at 1:15am the SEC was in full agreement on the need of bailout, as his final case being the Chairman of the SEC Christopher Cox (R) stated � was the single most important bailout I could think of before leaving my post.�
Feb 26, 2009, 06:39
Wii Review: Offroad Extreme: Special Edition
Since our purchase of the Nintendo Wii last year, we've been doing our best to consider games as they come around, and do our best to review them as it's appropriate. We've been shopping since then like regular folk, but we've been suckered in to at least a couple lackluster Wii purchases, and terrible game is just one such example.
Feb 24, 2009, 06:47
Film Review: Right America Feeling Wronged
Six-time Emmy nominee Alexandra Pelosi recently saw her latest film premiere on HBO. The documentary debuted on HBO on February 16th, and immediately drew criticism and acclaim from predictable ends of the political spectrum. It's no easy task following up films like "The Trials of Ted Haggard" and "Journeys with Bush", but interesting, sometimes terrifying insight, does a pretty remarkable job.
Feb 22, 2009, 08:31
Westminster Dog Show to Add Obstacle Course, Frisbee Catch
The Westminster Kennel Club announced that year�s dog show will require all contestants to either run an obstacle course or participate in a Frisbee catch competition as part of a newly created talent portion of the event. As a result of sagging ratings in recent years, Westminster officials decided to add the competitions to broaden the appeal of the event.
Feb 21, 2009, 08:40
Crude Oil On Veritable Verge of Worthlessness
A wicked combination of negative economic news from around the world has pushed crude oil back under the critical benchmark of $35 a barrel. While some analysts suggest prices will immediately rebound, others are looking at the dismal global forecasts, unusually high reserves and an apparent absence of OPEC control� some are predicting that oil will hit $32/barrel within a week, and $20/barrel within a month. Here are the reasons they're probably right, and why it's a good thing.
Feb 18, 2009, 07:40
Trump Death Spawns Ebru Labadon's Devil�s Apprentice
Crappy network reality TV update. If you've wondered how can it possibly get any worse, like when Satan gets involved, then wonder no more. Just add a dash of Donald Trump and it's TV hell. After his alleged untimely death at the hands of angry stockholders from his casino empire, Donald Trump has been resurrected from Hell by the Devil himself, along with his show, and sent to roam the world in search of a "Devil�s Apprentice".
Feb 18, 2009, 06:32
Friendly Guide To Choosing Myspace Display Picture
The age-old question, �To MySpace, or to Facebook?� has only one correct answer: MySpace. Where else can you find that subtle yet satisfying pleasure of ranking your friends in the order you like them, only to demote them the minute they displease you? Simply �poking� an acquaintance cannot even hope to come close to the many intricacies of MySpace, the hip/trendy/other-word-used-by-40-somethings social networking website.
Feb 15, 2009, 19:33
Gamy Area Man Actually Calls 1-800-PROVE-IT
CHARLOTTE, NC�Tired of the embarrassing sweat stains accumulating on his shirts and the looks of silent disgust he receives in the close confines of his building�s elevator, area resident Eric Walters actually called the Old Spice hotline 1-800-PROVE-IT and demanded the company buy him a stick of his old stuff.
Feb 11, 2009, 08:39
American Idol's "Bikini Girl" Adult Photos Surface Online
Perhaps it was just a matter of time, but Katrina Darrell's unauthorized "adult" photos have finally shown up online. Confidential sources have told Glossy News that the amateur photos were sold, along with brief video footage, to Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame for a sum in excess of $50,000. As of press time, representatives for Ms. Darrell, Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, and American Idol have yet to respond to questions.
Feb 9, 2009, 06:49
EA Sports: Terrier to Appear on Cover of "Vick '09"
REDWOOD CITY, CA�After months of anticipation and ongoing speculation within the gamer community, John Riccitiello, CEO of Electronic Arts, revealed that the Boston Terrier will appear on the cover of �Vick �08,� its latest installment of the highly popular dog fighting video game franchise.
Feb 9, 2009, 01:37
World Begs Ireland to Keep Columnist to Itself
Editor's Note: The infamous Auntie Dote, well-known in the Green Isle as the "Femme Fatale of Irish snakebites," has demanded (gulp) to share herself with the rest of the world. The world has sent us an IM that it is not ready, noting that Ireland has long suffered her tirades, and that its sacrifice should 'stand in' for the rest of the globe. "Why should we be insufflicterated, too?" says the Planet, inventing a new word (Auntie Dote style) in a state of panic.
Feb 5, 2009, 06:14
"Poseidon Adventure" Wreckage Found
The ill fated SS Poseidon, which sank on New Years Day in 1972, has apparently been found by a team of French underwater explorers. While experts have long known the location of where the SS Poseidon went down, the depth of the ocean floor made salvage operations virtually impossible. Her husband, actor Jack Albertson, was one of only a handful of survivors.
Feb 3, 2009, 06:47
Republicans Proven "Out of Touch" via Stimulus Vote
It's unknowable why the GOP in the house was whipped to unanimously oppose the stimulus package � as surely at least one of these self-proclaimed mavericks surely believed in it, but it's only partly as befuddling as the decision to stymie the brief delay in the digital tv transition. Perhaps both votes come back to the fact that, being honest, these guys just don't have � or understand � broadcast television.
Feb 1, 2009, 15:42
More Recessionista Fashion Tips
The top ten best ways to save money so that you can continue to pamper yourself while the rest of the world suffers job loss, home foreclosure, and recession. Why should you suffer because of their bad luck? I love new slang terms and it's so hot right now to look both chic and frugal. As if that were really possible. The key is to look low maintenance, as if you were naturally fabulous.
Feb 1, 2009, 05:21
Special Report: How To Succeed in Web Publishing
If you're an aspiring web publisher, or one with more clicks under your belt than you can explain based on your monthly income, you might be looking for some internet publication tools, tips and tricks to help make your business one of more dollars than simple common sense. tutorial, in humble list form, should help you out.
Jan 30, 2009, 01:43
Mayor Announces New Guidelines for Municipal Bribes
Mayor Richard M. Daley today announced new guidelines for doing business with the City of Chicago. Faced with recent allegations of corruption in his administration, Mayor Daley discussed the proposed guidelines today during a news conference held at City Hall.
Jan 28, 2009, 04:13
Good Old American Ingenuity to Stop Global Warming
Washington's 'Summer of Cooling' bill will cool godforsaken planet down once and for all. In an unprecedented level of bi-partisan agreement, the US Congress, Senate, and the President hisself, passed a bill requiring Americans to support a "summer of cooling".
Jan 25, 2009, 04:04
"Meth-Heads for Obama" Enter 4th Day of Inaugural Celebration
Though Obama was sworn in on January 20th, and the grounds before the capital building have long since been cleared out, cleaned up and returned to business as usual, one particularly vigilant group of Obama supporters have yet to call it a night. The unofficial 'Meth Heads for Obama' group started their revelry the morning of the 20th, and today enter their fourth day of celebration.
Jan 23, 2009, 02:40
DC 10-yr-old's Homework Demanded by World's Most Powerful Man
Washington DC � Grade school student Malia O., a private school student in the DC area, has apparently received direct requests to complete her homework from none other than the president of the United States of America. Education is a policy cornerstone in the new president's policy, but at least two DC area children were unaware how directly would impact their day-to-day lives.
Jan 22, 2009, 09:13
US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President
Taking up the difficult charge requested of the nation's newest president, fathers around the country have stepped up to make difficult choices and keep hope alive in the next generation. Many are doing by emulating the exact behavior of Barack Obama and promising their dog demanding children that they too can have a puppy� you know, when dad gets elected president.
Jan 21, 2009, 06:05
Moment of History in DC: Cheney Sets Crowd Boo Record at 2 Million
With almost every radio and television station broadcasting the inauguration of America's 44th president live, and near universal print and web news coverage on-hand, there was little doubt that many firsts would take place, and at least a few records would be set or broken. A lesser known record � the 'greatest audience booing by number � was not expected by many, but it came to pass. Nearly 2 million people helped outgoing vice president Dick Cheney set the record.
Jan 20, 2009, 21:01
Palin Insists on Keeping Media Wounds Open, Media Reciprocates
One-time VP candidate Sarah Palin had a rocky, arguably unfair, relationship with the media during her short-lived aspiration to the second-highest office in the land. Instead of promoting herself, she's picking at fresh scabs earned in battle against the media, mainstream and otherwise, seemingly unaware that the media still holds the same worldwide sway they did during her storied run, and that they still don't much care for her or her unusual antics.
Jan 19, 2009, 09:32
Funniest Satire Story of 2008 Chosen, and It's a Light, Half-Caffe Mochachino
You may know HumorFeed as the best source for satire news around (it's like a syndication network, and nothing but the best stuff here, thank you very much). What you may not know, however, is that in addition to dishing up to a dozen of the highest quality headlines from sites around the world every day, that they take the time once a year to pick the best of the best (of the best, I dare say.)
Jan 17, 2009, 05:41
Train Conductor Secretly Wishes to be Airplane Pilot
Robert Grisby, 32 and a self-described "pilot in a man's body", is stuck working in a boring job, as a conductor for Metra's Union Pacific North Line, sources say. "Don't work for Metra, it will suck you in. I started working illegally when I was 15 after dropping out of high school, because I needed money for flight school.
Jan 16, 2009, 10:52
Sharon Osbourne's Reputation as Typical Bee-Hotch Unbroken
I've seen that Sharon Osbourne and wondered how much of the icy face we see is put on by MTV and how much of it is the machinations of her own inner demons. Between the erratic behavior on her American obscure end cable show and what I've learned from the likes of Ricky Gervais, I had to wonder, but when I finally got my screener copy of the BBC hidden camera show "Balls of Steel", I knew for sure� that lady isn't just crazy, she's straight up evil, almost as if she's trying to reinvent the very devil herself.
Jan 14, 2009, 05:53
Youth Skip CIA Due To "Sexy" Failure - Agency Responds w/ Plame Nudies
Young men are refusing to join the CIA in record numbers due in large part to the fact that status as an agent is no longer "sexy", so the agency has responded in typical misguided US governmental fashion with a viral video of "Langley Lovelies". Pinups include illegal and unauthorized shots of the likes of Valerie Plame, Sarah Palin, and of courses, that blonde chick with glasses from all the spy movies.
Jan 13, 2009, 05:06
Three Reasons Obama Will Not Be Assassinated
With President Elect Obama within days of inauguration as the first black president of these United States, and tensions still running extremely high from the divisive campaigns run by all of the serious GOP contenders, there is very real talk, even in the news, of potential assassination plots against most historic president.
Jan 12, 2009, 03:41
Special Report: How To Get Free Stuff
Everybody likes free stuff, and there are many things that are free for everyone to get just by asking. There's a clock radio from the timeshare guys, a dinner from a church with beliefs you don't share, and coffee from a salesman pitching any sort of thing you don't want to buy. Did you know there are many other things you can get for free, just by asking really aggressively, and with our help, you can understand them.
Jan 10, 2009, 03:22
When Satire is News: Montana With Kids Site Delivers Groundbreaking Twist
Every year it seems more and more writers seem to think they're going to find a toe-hold in wicked satire game. I say wicked because, as a highly successful failure myself, I can tell you just about everything you might want to know about being successful, being a failure, and even being a successful failure. But every now and again there comes a site that actually beats expectations and does something so refreshing it deserves mention.
Jan 7, 2009, 10:01
Religulous Film Review � Wholly Unholy Entertainment
I'm a big fan of Bill Maher and an even bigger fan of his keen study of all things he doesn't much believe in. Like myself, we were both raving McCainiacs in 1999, and we were both raised in a system of faith that even our own mothers can't explain to us. These things don't make me particularly like the film, nor his snarky, underhanded abuse of the "experts" appearing in it, but there is something truly magical about the film: Larry Charles.
Jan 7, 2009, 05:48
Franken Recount � Why Norm Coleman Will Take the High Road
Minnesota is about to certify Democratic Challenger Al Franken as the elected Senator in Minnesota, and even though Republican incumbent Norm Coleman has a number of challenges left to exercise, it's unlikely that he'll do so. Here are a few of the reasons why he won't.
Jan 4, 2009, 06:52
Cheech and Chong: Roasted, Rolled and Smoked
Recently resurrected and reunited for a new comedy tour, aging dopers Cheech and Chong tolerated a tepid roast by a bucket brigade of washed up entertainers without once looking even mildly amused. That�s what happens when you quit pot. You didn�t have to be stoned to enjoy the roast because it really didn�t�I mean wouldn�t have helped anyway.
Jan 4, 2009, 02:14
Rapper 'Toughs' Cuffed, Stuffed, Humiliated
NEW YORK-Rapper 50 Cent's two-bit crew gunned, slugged and �rapped� their way into handcuffs in the hours after the heavily muscled superstar took center stage at Madison Square Garden, police said yesterday. Two of 50 Cents' closest confidants in his notorious G-Unit group were busted after shouting epithets at police and inciting the concert goers to engage in �crotch grabbing.�
Dec 31, 2008, 15:43
Dr. Fu*kenstein Creates Monstrous New Porn Star
Forget the stresses caused by Bernard Madoof, the adult entertainment producer and part time mad scientist Dr. Fu*kenstein claims to have created the most hideous, yet strangely arousing porn actress the world has ever seen. Made up of body parts from deceased porn actresses with the attributes he was looking for, Dr. Fu*kenstein laughed manically while describing his creation.
Dec 25, 2008, 15:40
Caffeine Withdrawal Nearing Epidemic Proportions
Amherst, Mass.-A 32-year-old woman was sent to the Amherst Regional Medical Center yesterday afternoon after passing out at the Heartstops Coffee store on Chestnut Street. A spokesperson for the medical center said the patient was resting comfortably after being diagnosed with severe caffeine withdrawal.
Dec 23, 2008, 08:34
Microsoft Puts Final Coat on its Emergence: World Dominance
Today Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced to the press the advance of a new line of Microsoft technology. In the past, Microsoft acted as the pioneer of a new era of technology which has managed to reach almost every part of the world. The company has already grasped the reins of the operating system and computer universe and has recently started to expand to more habitual things.
Dec 16, 2008, 05:42
Executive Order May Cancel Dixie Chick's Grammys
The President today announced he would issue an Executive Order taking away the Dixie Chicks five Grammy awards mainly for spite. In a move to get the last word in, President Bush announced he would issue executive order POTAS/07-00029 today, canceling the Dixie Chicks five Grammy awards. According to White House spokesperson Dana "Sexy Pants" Perino, "The President wanted to make sure that Americans did not get the wrong message."
Dec 12, 2008, 18:07
Seabrook Vacation Helps Us Get Away, Relax, Dream
Life can be stressful sometimes, and we know it as well as anybody. Our preschool, kindergarten and 4th grade lives are hectic. We've got homework that goes even beyond tracing letters and counting numbers, plus we have to play a bunch, plus we run one of the biggest syndicated parenting advices columns of the century. Sometimes we just need a few days to ourselves, and Seabrook is just what the doctor ordered.
Dec 10, 2008, 03:47
Insert Grand Theft Auto Story Title Here
A media watchdog group denounced Take 2 Interactive, the maker of the hugely popular video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas." The group alleged Take 2 had grossly violated an implicit pledge to its loyal fan base by submitting a game with sub-par graphics displaying sex and violent content, and has subsequently filed synonymous lawsuits against Take 2 and Sony.
Dec 8, 2008, 15:42
General Zod Busted for Lewd Proposition
General Zod, former superpowered escapee from the Phantom Zone, was arrested yesterday and charged with making a lewd proposition to an undercover police officer. According to reports, an undercover policeman observed Zod lurking in an airport men�s room and peeking into stalls. After approaching Zod, the officer claims to have been �solicited by Zod to perform a sex act.�
Dec 1, 2008, 12:30
Possible Death Sentence in Copyright Infringement Nightmare
NEW YORK � A Delaware County jury began deliberating morning on the fate of Mr. Stefano who was convicted on Wednesday of copyright infringement and first-degree possession of stolen software. Mr. Stefano pleaded guilty to all charges. The lawyers for the Business Software Alliance (BSA) are pushing for the death penalty, comparing Khyl's, �rampage� with that of pirate Albert W. Hicks in the 19th century.
Nov 29, 2008, 09:29
Big-3 Auto Firms Recommend Alternative Phrasing
A rare joint press conference was held today by executives of General Motors, Ford, Daimler-Chrysler and Delphi. The companies have formed a consortium to suggest replacements for the phrase "hemorrhaging red ink," which has become tired and cliched from overuse in press coverage of recent weeks. Recommended alternatives for the 2007 model year include:
Nov 26, 2008, 09:24
Dead Poker Player Hid in Couple's Home
The wife of back-from-the-dead poker player 'Wild' Bill Hickok has said he was living in their family home for over fifty years after he was declared dead. Lily Hickok, who is expected back in the US weekend, told reporters her husband hid in another part of the couple's house when their sons and daughters visited, as he did not want them to know the truth.
Nov 26, 2008, 04:20
Beyonce Shows Off Huge Cock at Jay-Z's Atlanta Show
Beyonc� happily pumped his whopping hunk of man meat with her left hand Tuesday night at her new husband's concert with Mary J. Blige at Atlanta's Phillips Arena. Wearing a short black dress, big hoop earrings and no panties, the newlywed singer sat in a VIP area with her wide legs open.
Nov 24, 2008, 08:44
Depressed Fans Fight to Save Cancelled Battlestar Galactica
The most depressing series ever filmed, "Battlestar Galactica," will be going off the air after its current season, making the show's fans even more despondent than usual. Inspired by supporters of "Jericho" (who sent 50,000 lbs. of peanuts to CBS in protest of that show's cancellation) and "Roswell" (who sent 6,000 bottles of Tabasco sauce to the WB), Galactica fanatics and obsessive-compulsives plan to send Sci Fi Channel several thousand notebooks of self-authored, depressing poetry.
Nov 24, 2008, 05:29
Barbara Walter's Vagina Writes Memoirs
Not to be outdone, Barbara Walter�s vagina has written a memoir, and it might prove to be more explosive than Barbara�s tell all book. �Back in the 70�s, it was a house party up in here,� Walter�s vagina is quoted as saying. �Everybody who was anyone was in here at one time or another. Hell, we were even sneaking black people in through the backdoor!�
Nov 21, 2008, 08:36
People Who Say "Frack" Are Seriously Stupid
Mental health professionals are growing increasingly troubled as use of the word "frack" grows among the young and/or socially awkward. "Frack," if you didn't know, is a silly sounding euphemism used on the TV series "Battlestar Galactica" approximately 27 times per episode.
Nov 20, 2008, 21:37
Terminally-ill Chimp Asks Make-A-Wish For Opposable Thumbs
Apples, a highly intelligent, sign-language-using chimpanzee at Washington�s Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute (CHCI), was diagnosed last month with an aggressive form of bone cancer that gives her, at most, nine months to live. The Make-A-Wish foundation offered the chimp a wish earlier week, making Apples the foundation�s first simian wish-recipient.
Nov 19, 2008, 18:24
Hillary Clinton Proposes Baseball Bat Ban
Secretary of State hopeful Hillary Clinton called today for a nationwide ban on baseball bats. Citing the inherent danger in owning baseball bats, the senator vowed to push legislation through congress confiscating all bats not belonging to professional baseball players hitting over .250.
Nov 17, 2008, 11:56
Apple Unleashes Product to Confuse, Frighten Nation's Elderly
Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs announced today the introduction of an Apple product designed to cause the nation's elderly to repeatedly scream 'Hello?' into monitors and later cower in the corners of their homes convinced that they are amidst agents of the devil.
Nov 16, 2008, 10:59
80% of GOP Approve Palin as Future, Also 103% of Dems
Alaska governor and former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin refuses to go away, or change her already-failed tactics in aspiration for higher posts. She may be the future of the GOP ticket, and recent polls show that as many as 80% of self-described republican voters want to see her in such a role. Perhaps more surprising, as many as 103% of democrat voters agree (margin of error � 3%.)
Nov 16, 2008, 10:04
Here's Why John McCain Deserves to Lose Election
The negative campaigning has been bad enough, and sending Sarah Palin out as his surrogate has been even worse, but the lies have really boiled over, if you ask me, and it's not the liberal media telling me the GOP is lying through their teeth, it's McCain's own site. I try to keep abreast of all the news, and sometimes I do a pretty good job (I read maybe 50 articles a day and check the polls probably 15-times), but I've never thought to check out McCain's own site� and might I say, wow, that guy is breaking my heart.
Nov 1, 2008, 08:31
God Answers McCain's Prayers with Resounding "No"
God, highest power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John McCain. "No," said God, with a chorus of angels in accompaniment. "I will not honor the requests of you or Sarah Palin. Sorry. I have bigger things to deal with and you should stop praying to me for ."
Nov 1, 2008, 07:46
Seattle�s Halloween Train Chuggas Its Choo-Choo on Horizon
It�s that time of year once again. Of all the seasons in all the months, I reluctantly admit (to you only, not to my family) that Halloween is my favorite, and there�s no better way to enjoy it than with a clever costume, trick-or-treating amongst generous adults, and by riding the fun-tastic rails of the Halloween Train offered up by the Northwest Railway Museum in Snoqualmie, Washington.
Oct 24, 2008, 00:13
Polls Show McCain Gaining Inches, Obama Gaining Electorates
Nationally, the race is tightening, and I can't speak to why, save for saying perhaps that it's because undecided voters have finally come to terms with their inner racists. Post-debate polls show Obama as the clear victor from the third debate, and there haven't been any game changers in the mean time, not even small ones, but yet McCain is gaining ground across the country despite him still being McCain, Palin continuing her mediocre quest for lacklustery, and the GOP ticket generally being out-spent by margins unimaginable in previous presidential races, but here's why it isn't any time yet to even think about losing heart.
Oct 20, 2008, 11:01
Palin to Drop Out, Huckabee Will Replace Her, So Help Him God
With Obama crushing McCain dead in the polls, and the all the pop of radical campaign attempts having fizzled, it�s time for a game-changer, and short of ordering a domestic attack under the guise of foreign terrorism, there ain�t a whole lot of cards to throw down� there is one, though, and it�s troopergate, and those results are nigh about to hit the public press� so get ready for the last arrow in the quiver of the GOP, and it�s a big a doozy as it�s sure to be a dud.
Oct 10, 2008, 12:02
It's Time to Get Serious About Supporing Sarah Palin
America has reached a critical point in her history, and these drastic times call for drastic, even costly measure, and although we've plainly stated our partisan support for the other guys, it's time for you to do something counter-partisan to offset my efforts, or to agree with them. Whether right or left, you can agree that we have to support Maverick Palin, so consider doing as I did, just now. Send a message to McCain to keep that fun lovin' wingnut on the ticket, you betcha.
Oct 9, 2008, 11:14
Collection Agents Struggle to Find New Ways to Be Evil
With job loss at historic highs, inflation already taking hold, and the credit markets virtually frozen, millions of well-to-do Americans have found themselves in a place they never thought they�d be: collections. But what about the real victims here? The collection agents have a whole new world of people in need of credit repair who don�t understand how to deal with them, leaving many in the booming repo/collection industry wondering what sorts of depravity will best be suited to indoctrinate newly impoverished class.
Oct 8, 2008, 10:34
Apartments Find Gold in Housing Crunch: They Mine it From Tenants
I�d like to say it�s rare to find a mega-corporate conglomerate that has discovered a new and innovative way to make a few extra bucks legally, and it�s because those types almost always go about it the wrong way. We rarely dip in to consumer protection stories, but the management at Heatherwood Apartments has preyed on its poor, working class tenants like no professional agency I�ve ever seen, and it�s a can of worms, so we�re ready to dip into it. Not because we can, but because we must. These guys are corporate crooks, and they�ve taken advantage of thousands already, and they need to know the world is watching.
Sep 29, 2008, 03:27
WNHL Combines Canada's Two Greatest Exports
Perhaps you've heard of Canada, it's the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation "not having a reputation," marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not.
Apr 24, 2008, 17:59
American Soldier Doll Beheaded in Iraq
Newsrooms all across America began today buzzing with activity after the reception of a short video clip by an anonymous Middle Eastern source. A mere three seconds in length, the clip shows what appears to be a pair of scissors moving towards the head of an American Soldier Doll recently reported missing from his unit �The Cobra Commandos� just days ago in Iraq. American forces in Iraq are currently on high alert in frantic search of more video footage, an over-turned Armored Command Unit complete with auto-loading Sidewinder Missiles, or other accessories associated with the doll.
Mar 12, 2008, 13:46
Hack Songsmith Rips 60's Classic; Cashes In
The New Battle of New Orleans (Lyrics):
In 2005 we took a little trip, between the Gulf of Mexico and mighty Mississip. We didn�t have no bacon and we didn�t have no beans, so we slowly dehydrated in the town of New Orleans.
Mar 11, 2008, 01:58
Investigating the Sophia Loren Porn Claims
When investigative journalist and porn aficionado Red Stiler first heard the rumors that Sophia Loren (aka Sofia Lazzaro & Sofia Scicolone) porn tapes ala Tracy Lords surfaced he moved his mattress into his home office, locked himself in and his family out, determined not to leave until he uncovered and discovered the truth for himself and the entire world to see, appreciate and masturbate to.
Mar 10, 2008, 00:51
Solving Global Warming Requires Effort of Mythological Proportion - Literally
"What we are seeking to do is to pull out some stuff from mythology that we know has had an impact on the weather," said Smythe-B. "One of those we are particularly keen on is Pecos Bill."
Mar 3, 2008, 04:37
Glossy News Endorses Barack Obama for 2008 Presidential Candidacy
Glossy News has long been a political commentary outlet, and has never endorsed a candidate. For tumultuous season, however, we wish to put forth a tad smidge of interesting assertion, and that is that we will now, for the first time ever, endorse a single candidate officially. That candidate for the presidency of the United States of America is Barack Obama, whose middle name is "Osama", which we only point out as a commentary on the inanity of tabloid webzines like E Online and the lackluster like.
Feb 9, 2008, 02:19
Jewish Settlement Found in Texas Hill Country
Deertown, TX�Texas Governor Mack Mackabie ordered National Guard troops to Deertown, Texas earlier today after it was reported a Jewish family had moved into the High Hills Estates subdivision. John (Hoss) Williams, Jr. contacted the Deertown police after noticing a pack of miniature French poodles roaming his property.
Jan 6, 2008, 19:00
Scientists Finally Admit H5N1 Killed
Geneva, Switzerland--The World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that it has killed H5N1. The name, that is. WHO, in conjunction with a reluctant (insiders say kicking and screaming) CDC, cited a need for clear communication. Turns out that there are far worse things than can kill you than your imagination might muster, and Jesus isn't quite one of them.
Jan 1, 2008, 02:12
Walken Impersonators Find an Outlet in Online Competition
Critics have a hard enough time agreeing that the sky is blue, but a small website has found two more things everyone can agree on. First is that we need more cowbell, and second is that we do not need any more impressions of Christopher Walken. Some of the impressions are downright passable, while others sound like Elmer Fudd passing a stone the size of a fist.
Dec 31, 2007, 05:10
Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course
Mere minutes into Air Force One's flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to "Continue your southerly heading." The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, "If we change course now, the terrorists win."
Dec 30, 2007, 19:39
World Scheduled for Possible Termination Next Tuesday
If the Apocalypse does indeed occur next week, theorizes Mr. Davis, it will either be in the form of a giant meteor � such as the one responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs � or will manifest itself as the mass spontaneous combustion of all life on Earth.
Dec 30, 2007, 10:08
Special Report: Used Car Buying Guide
If you're in the market for a used car, don't buy one without first reading through the Glossy News Used Car Buying Guide. We'll help guide you through the buying process so you don't end up ripped off, driving a clunker that will leave you stranded on the road.
Dec 28, 2007, 15:07
Unemployment Union Local 641 Goes on Strike
One of the most controversial labor unions in the nation, the Union of Unemployed Workers, went on strike Wednesday due to pay and benefit disputes. The union (over ten thousand odd workers strong) began their strike by taking jobs in several cities throughout the nation.
Dec 27, 2007, 06:00
The annual festive season is a difficult one for many people. Those who are single, or away from family and friends, or those who are serving their country in a far off place and sleeping with prostitutes to try and make themselves feel better. However, none of these compare in their troubles to those experienced by your average stalker.
Dec 24, 2007, 13:07
Iranian leader: Santa Claus a 'Myth'
Tehran, Iran -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims Santa Claus is "a myth" and suggested that the North Pole be moved to Europe, Canada or the United States, specifically, Alaska. The United States, Israel and the European Commission, along with individual European countries, have condemned the remark.
Dec 22, 2007, 15:34
How Post-It� Notes Can Make You More Successful
Everyone knows Post-It� Notes as the workplace infection that shows up on computer monitors and cubicle walls like so many sores reminding us of what things we should have already done, but there are benefits to these sticky notes many overlook. These can remind you what to do, but used properly, they can also make you very successful
Dec 19, 2007, 08:40
Atlanta Brazilian Steakhouse is Awesome, and You Heard it Here First
We had same foresight about the war in Iraq, but nobody listened to us then. one is fresh and unique enough, and we're going to take credit for it. You heard it here first; the Red & Green Steakhouse in Atlanta is a great experience with incredible food and an unrivaled atmosphere.
Dec 17, 2007, 22:45
Olsen Twin Home Sex Video Discovered Online
Ashley Olsen, long famous for her critical role in the Olsen Twins duo, has a new blockbuster among broadband Internet aficionados best known for downloading seemingly endless gigabytes of pornography. Less than a week ago, a roughly 8-minute long home video of a ridiculously explicit sexual encounter between Ashley Olsen � or, it might have been Mary Kate, experts are still debating � and New York Minute key grip Andrew Carlson surfaced.
Dec 13, 2007, 20:00
Interviewer Won't Return Calls, "Probably a Dick"
Jeffrey Abrams was personally recommended to bank manager Keith Ingram by an employee and mutual friend. Kay Kwan set up the application and first interview with the Seattle branch manager, which went well, but "That cocksmoker won't call me back" says Abrams.
Dec 13, 2007, 05:22
Sex Scandal Suspect Rejects Subpoena, Demands Uberpoena
Fortune 500 company Tyco, long famous for slot-cers and rifle components, has been rock'emd sock'emd in past months by allegations of sexual harassment in low level management positions. The very and rampant complaints seemed unfounded until one suspect, a Khalil H. Burrows, refused his subpoena for reasons previously unimaginable.
Dec 12, 2007, 14:30
N. Korean Nuke Testing "Big Misunderstanding"
"What appears to be an aggressive use of test missiles," said the Release. "Is merely an act of outreach on the part of North Korea, mainly to its western Pacific neighbors, especially Japan." While many countries, including the USA, have deplored North Korea's actions as a deliberate attempt to destabilize the region and anger the world, North Korea calls its actions 'humanitarian' in the extreme.
Dec 11, 2007, 10:15
Cops Love Corruption: Sgt. Drew Peterson Free Despite Two Murders
When Drew Peterson's third wife died amid highly suspicious circumstances, the flawless machine that is our American criminal justice system stepped back and presumed more innocence than the woman's family or very soon to be teenaged fourth wife could. But when wife Mach-IV went missing, they knew their tracks were too evident to obscure.
Dec 8, 2007, 05:20
Dane Cook Rocks Veritable Asses in Seatte
Dane Cook appeared live at the Key Arena in Seattle last Thursday, and my hopes were too high to be anything but disappointed. First of all, he's in the top-5 stand-up comics of our time. Secondly, I've already seen everything he's done (except for the current "Rough Around the Edges" tour), and thirdly because crowds on Thursdays are notoriously scant, and have terrible energy. Dane proved me wrong, and I'm thankful for it.
Dec 7, 2007, 05:32
"I am a Heterosexual," Merlin Declares
"I am a heterosexual," the Arthurian wizard Merlin declared recently in a press conference. While Merlin maintains that his sudden sexuality-affirming statement has nothing to do with any other wizard (or their sexuality), wizarding experts argue otherwise.
Dec 5, 2007, 03:18
Best Meal of Buffet Life Not Ruined by Anorexic Date
On a recent trip to an Altanta Brazilian Steakhouse in the barely-suburbs of Atlanta, Ted M., a man whose last name is as short as his appetite is long, had the uncommon opportunity to do two new things for the first time in his life. He got to date a bonafide Playgirl, and he got to dine in an authentic Brazilian Steakhouse�
Nov 24, 2007, 15:49
Girlfriend Glitter - the Man Tag
Gentlemen, have you ever been involved with a significant female other? Did you ever feel trapped in the relationship without ever really understanding why? Did you find that once you were in that relationship, other women were turned off by the sight of you � the very women that, a mere week before would have been all over you like flies on mayonnaise? The answer is simple � you�d been tagged. Girlfriend glitter.
Nov 16, 2007, 17:32
Special Halloween Costume Report (Part-6)
With Halloween looming ever closer, it's come to our attention that you may still be looking for your own costume to celebrate the occasion. For anyone still in doubt, Glossy News has begun it's massive expos� on all the most progressive costumes coming forth season. Click to see day-one of our in-depth study into up and coming Halloween costumes.
Oct 31, 2007, 19:00
Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 5
With Halloween looming ever closer, many are still out looking for their own costumes with which to celebrate the occasion. For anyone still in doubt, Glossy News continues the expos� on all the most popular costumes coming forth season.
Oct 30, 2007, 23:27
Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 4
With Halloween closing in tomorrow, you may still be looking for a costume to celebrate the occasion. If you're still in doubt, Glossy News' exposé on all the most progressive costumes coming forth season is just your ticket.
Oct 28, 2007, 10:50
Nevada Offers Plenty of "Tricks" for Halloween
All across America tonight, the cry of, �trick or treat� will be echoing from the mouths of small children and confused college students. In Nevada, unlike the majority of the country, the answer will come back: �trick.� Establishments such as the Bunny Ranch brothel and Mike�s House of Flesh will be offering two-for-one Halloween specials and other similar �freebies� in an attempt to jump-start that sector of the Nevada economy.
Oct 26, 2007, 13:16
Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 3
With Halloween looming closer by the day, you may still be looking for your own costume to celebrate the occasion. For anyone still in doubt, Glossy News continues its in depth expos� on all the most progressive costumes coming forth season.
Oct 23, 2007, 18:00
Halloween Costume Special Report 2 (Wild Animals)
Our favorite feature rolls on today as Glossy News continues to put together reviews of the most popular and best selling Halloween Costumes on the scene for holiday season. A perennial favorite is the �animal� motif, and if you�re anything like me (which polarity alone says you are) you�re a big, big fan of the wild critters, not to mention dressing up like them.
Oct 22, 2007, 16:16
Halloween Costume Special Report 1 (Heaven & Hell)
Our favorite time of year has come again, it�s Halloween and Glossy News is ready, able, willing and indeed even eager to begin putting together our festive Halloween costume report where we tell you what the hottest costumes for the year are. In our first installment we�ll tackle the popular getups in the realms of heaven, hell and the occult.
And while you�re looking at Halloween costumes, check out these other Glossy News Halloween articles: Best Halloween Costumes You Missed - Nevada Offers Plenty of "Tricks" for Halloween - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 4 - Osama, Insurgent Costumes Big Hit Halloween - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 3 - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 2 - Special Halloween Costume Report - Agri-tourism Bad for Agora-tourists - Door-to-Doorascopes (Halloween Horrorscopes) - Razor Blade Sales Down Despite Halloween - Safe Halloween? Personal Body Armor Costumes Are FUN! - COSTUME REPORT - Martha Stewart Inmate Collection - Halloween Candy Special Report - COSTUME REPORT - Moving Targets - Jason Furious Over Second Billing In 'Freddy vs. Jason'
Oct 21, 2007, 10:53
China Promises Fake Lunar Landing by 2008
China's space program has enjoyed successes at a price previously unmatched by any space program. Not the US nor former Soviet Union, not even Canadians have been able to make strides in pace with the Chinese, and not even because a typical Asian stride is so much shorter based on height alone.
Oct 18, 2007, 09:01
Muppet Agenda Leads to Loose Jell-O Complacence
First we had to deal with the Diaper Industrial Complex, then the Hardline Pro-Potty Training Movement. Now I have to deal with the Muppet Agenda and the influence it has on people around me. It's bad enough they teach kids that a pig stalking a frog is "kind of cute" but now they're attacking our table manners.
Oct 14, 2007, 15:32
New Company Strives to Carve Out Market Niche
Keeping your share of the market place is hard enough, but it's even harder for new firms trying to carve out that first-ever share of the market. UselessCo is one such company.
Dedicated to producing products for which there is not a defined need, UselessCo burst onto the scene in late 2006.
Oct 9, 2007, 20:30
Skittlebrau Experimentation; Boones Farm Skrawberry Hill
Glossy News continues it's commitment to Skittlebrau technology by constantly researching new alcoholic beverages in an attempt to learn with will react most favorably with Skittles. Today's findings are on the mixture of Skittles with Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. I give you, Skrawberry Hill.
Oct 4, 2007, 20:05
Survey Results Call for a Completely Different Kind of Country
A recent survey suggests that Canada would be a much better country to live in if it was completely different. The survey, a groundbreaking look into the psyche of Canadians, was conducted by Precima Research of Ogdentown-on-Blythe, Ontario, on behalf of a consortium of Canadian universities.
Sep 30, 2007, 18:00
Peace Riots Rip Across America
Portland OR- With anti-war sentiments approaching the high-water mark set in '69, the anti-violence demonstration tour?continues it's triumphant trek across the nation. Even here in a quiet suburb, travelers from around the region join the locals in preparation for mayhem in the name of peace.
Sep 13, 2007, 21:04
Ebay Seller Gets $9,214 for AOL 1.0 Startup Disc
With the passing of time, both the dawn and the golden age of the internet are both long since things of the past. Much like the expiration of early automobiles, collectors have found outrageous value in clinging to the past, and AOL startup discs are no exception. week, Todd Farmer of West Chester, PA, sold his mint-condition AOL 1.0 startup disc for over $9,000 in an online auction.
Sep 6, 2007, 09:00
Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone
The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol. The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly.
Aug 30, 2007, 15:30
Closeted Gay Man Finds Out That Friends And Family Read MySpace Profile
DAYTON, OH - Closeted Gay man Hubert Filmore discovered that his real life friends actually read his MySpace profile Saturday.
Gay MySpace User Hubert Filmore --
Although Filmore was officially still in the closet and had not disclosed his sexual orientation to any of his friends or family, he had chosen the "Gay" selection on the MySpace profile editor.
Aug 28, 2007, 15:00
I Really Do Trust The Gator Corporation
As a savvy computer user, I know you�ve seen those messages on your computer. You�re surfing the Web when suddenly you get a dialog box that asks you if you want to install something called �Gator Setup.� What could go wrong?
Aug 22, 2007, 12:02
Skittlebrauing Mach II; Skirnoff Icekittles
As part of our ongoing commitment to research in the scientific community, we've invested in furthering the Skittlebrau technology as pioneered by Crazy Engineer. There is so much work to be done and all one can do is make a dent in the effort however they are able. Bravely, then, we step forward into the great unknown.
Aug 14, 2007, 09:20
Village Council to Vote on Nude Pool League
Following the success of their streak fries and streak dance, the American Legion club has started a nude pool league on Thursday nights, which pits two teams of five naked people against one another. Ball in hand, anyone?
Aug 6, 2007, 18:15
Simpson's Movie Review, It's D'oh-Liteful!
The Simpson's Movie had been hyped for years, expected for decades-ish and had expectations it couldn't possibly be expected to live up to. year saw the face-first flop of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force film, which died of its own accord from a combination of factors as plain as the nose on my face, sometimes stolen by my prankster brother.
Aug 2, 2007, 15:52
The Art of Skittlebrau
As with most crazy ideas, the Simpsons thought of it first. But what was once only considered a humorous non-sequitur has become reality. Read documentation of descent into drinking madness.
Jul 30, 2007, 08:25
How to Impress Your Boss with a Laminating Machine
Of all the things on your forever growing "to do list" today, the last thing you want to do is add yet another, but consider, even if just for a minute, that next one might make you successful. No wait, not just successful, but so prominently prominent in your successes that someday soon you'll manage the whole department.
Jul 25, 2007, 10:17
Maccessories Introduces the iPenis
Apple/Macintosh, long the personal computer choice of lesbians, has unveiled their long-anticipated iPenis, the USB dildo built for interactive dyke e-erotica games and programs that can only run on the power of a Mac.
Jul 23, 2007, 14:11
10 Ways to Be the Coolest with Duct Tape
Whether you work in an office, metal shop or aboard an oil drilling rig, there are certain tools of your trade you can't do without. Maybe it's a stapler, box of binder clips or full set of metric ratchet tools. In any case, there's another tool, one more ubiquitous, that you need to keep on hand, stock up on, and never forget. I speak, naturally, of duct tape.
Jul 16, 2007, 20:14
Media Frenzy Overflows onto Paris Hilton's Prosecutor's Derelict Wife
There's no limit to what the media will do when it comes to hounding down anything even remotely associated with a hot story, and the poor prosecutor who busted Hilton down to her privates is no exception. Seems his wife has been wanted by the police for almost a decade, and her husband hasn't even bothered to turn her in.
Jul 12, 2007, 06:48
TMZ.com Going to Court For Raping Simpson Confession Book
Spiny lawyers for the family of the well-slain Ron Goldman say the AOL/Time Warner gossip site TMZ.com should be held in costly contempt of court for posting a full copy of O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It" book. You know the one, it's the book where he admitted how he killed Nicole Brown Simpson, Ron Goldman and got away with murder times two.
Jul 7, 2007, 10:14
Juleaster Fireworks Beautifully Terrifying
I knew my day wasn't done when I rubbed my eyes back open from my prolonged late afternoon nap. I slept well after the first half of my candied day and didn't even wake up with a killer candy hangover as expected. With the sweets and bunnies behind me it was time for the barbecue half of my day.
Jul 4, 2007, 19:56
Media Pandering Judge in Anna Nicole Smith Case Leaving for Fame
Peculiar, smartass judge Larry Seidlin, who presided over the Anna Nicole Smith's and Larry Birkhead debacle, has announced he's going to resign his judgeship. It's almost as if he allowed cameras in the courtroom only to advance his own career, which now seems to be exactly the case.
Jul 4, 2007, 19:51
Larry King Gets Televised Fantasy Hour with Paris Hilton, Refuses to Pay
Paris Hilton will be out of jail within days, and plans to appear on CNN's "Larry King Live" right after her release, according to a spokeswoman for Larry King. Hilton's release is expected to continue the media frenzy, and transportation officials announced Friday that they will temporarily ban parking on several streets in her Hollywood Hills neighborhood beginning Monday.
Jun 30, 2007, 15:36
Mario Lopez to Star in Saved by the Bell Spinoff: "10 Years Slater"
Burbank, CA -- In a surprising move, Warren Littlefield, president of NBC Entertainment, announced that a "Saved By The Bell" spin-off featuring Mario Lopez will headline the network's Fall lineup.
Jun 27, 2007, 08:30
Extensive Excerpts of O.J. Simpson's Confession Available Online
Noted AOL/TimeWarner celebrity gossip rag made a full transcript of O.J. Simpson's confessional diary "If I Did It" available in its entirety last week, though they have claimed it was an innocent mistake, and that the entire book was already leaked web-wide. It took four of our researchers four days, but we've acquired a complete copy of the book, and are now making many of the most peculiar and damning passages available to all readers.
Jun 24, 2007, 10:11
Lindsey Lohan Shaves her Pussy
With the juvenile sex-appeal of the Olsen twins waning by the minute a new teen icon for middle-aged fantasy and denial has emerged, and Miss Lindsey Lohan isn't missing a single opportunity. Exposure is key and the upcoming issue of informative literature known as 'Cosmo' has an in-depth article and provocative photos of Lindsey exposing her young, immaculately shaven pussy cat.
Jun 23, 2007, 17:05
Ford to Replace Extinct Probe with "Thermoma Recto" for '08
Ford set the tempo for a decade of sex-themed auto monikers with their anally-oriented Probe over ten-years ago. The chrome slathered bull nose of the Ram was soon to follow, and the broad guzzling Hummer kicked it up yet another notch. For 2008 the Ford Motor Corp will push that naughty envelope once again with the re-branding of the Probe to the questionable Thermoma Recto.
Jun 20, 2007, 20:30
Four Chun Cookies Warn About Fashion, Bees
In case you've never been to a Chinese restaurant there's something you should know about them, and it's that they give away totally free cookies at the end. They aren't normal cookies because they're really fragile and crunchy, but also because these particular cookies have messages inside of them. They're called "Chun" cookies, and sometimes, if you're really lucky, you get four of them.
Jun 18, 2007, 20:35
Pandora Strikes Back as Web 2.0 Demands
Internet radio made such a strong showing ten years ago that, once personal internet connections became high-speed, the mega-corporate powers that be stepped in and shut them down. The latest chapter in internet radio is something very different. These days, the web is a very different place, and there was no way the old-world media guys could have seen it coming. You know, because they never see any of these things coming.
Jun 16, 2007, 08:01
Africans and Their Damnably un-American Work Ethic
My Grammy didn't sail three weeks in steerage to be un-American nor did I grow up in the lap of suburban West Coast culture for it. Here we are though, 20-70 years later faced with these honest, hardworking Africans moving into our neighborhoods. They're always working, never complaining and otherwise totally un-American in so many ways.
May 12, 2007, 13:46
Punk Fan Has Actually Never Heard a Punk Song
A self-proclaimed �huge punk music fan� strangely has never heard a punk music song in her entire life. The soon-to-be high school senior owns a sizable record collection and cites punk and alternative as her favorite genres, yet nothing punk nor alternative can be found within her 150-plus records.
Apr 22, 2007, 17:00
Humor, General Interest, & Healthy Smattering of Areoli
I don't know how it happened, originally, but in reviewing old traffic logs some years ago, I noticed some traffic coming in from a blog called Attuworld. I shared it with a couple editors who agreed it was uncommonly delicious, but the strangest thing happened to myself and my friends; we kept going back.
Apr 22, 2007, 06:13
Laws of Nature to be Repealed
A UN-led group hopes to repeal the laws of nature and stop the death and destruction caused by bad weather patterns, tectonic shifts, and aliens.
As a result of recent disasters and extreme weather, in a move some say will only incite anger and retribution by none other than the Almighty, a UN-led group is planning to repeal most, if not all laws of nature.
Apr 16, 2007, 21:10
Skinny Hitchhikeresses All Hookers, Cops
I'm a beneviolent man. I always hold doors for old ladies, throw pennies into the tray, pick up to deliver hitchhikers and entertain whatever needs they may have. My kindness has never been rewarded, but also never punished like it was last Friday around midnight when the needy ugly I picked up turned out to be a cop.
Apr 11, 2007, 11:00
AOL Deletes GlossyNews.com
Following several minutes of quasi-careful consideration, AOL/Time-Warner has bowed to the pressures of several of it's members, and gleefully, obligingly deleted the inflamatory news website, GlossyNews.com. AOL has had no option, but to comply with the requests of its members.
Apr 6, 2007, 09:34
Ebay Catalog Mailings Mire Postal Service to a Crawl
Ebay has been feeling the growing pressure from mail order catalog companies due to their revived success in recent years. Consumers often don't know what they want and having the luxury of flipping through pages was something Ebay just couldn't offer, until now.
Mar 26, 2007, 15:00
Teens Having Less Sex (in the missionary position)
According to research conducted nationwide, conventional teen coitus is on the downturn. Not in favor of abstinence, but in favor of more exhausting, athletic and often dangerous positions. "The results are alarming," reported Ross Freiburg, staff researcher. "Doggy style and sixty-nine don't even have a good showing anymore.
Mar 12, 2007, 06:00
How Post-It� Notes can Make You More Successful
Everyone knows Post-It� Notes as the workplace infection that shows up on computer monitors and cubicle walls like so many sores reminding us of what things we should have already done, but there are benefits to these sticky notes many overlook. These can remind you what to do, but used properly, they can also make you very successful.
Mar 7, 2007, 06:13
7 Reasons Not to Use a Motorcycle Dryer at Work
Of all the supplies available for your office, perhaps the most curious and interesting would have to be the Motorcycle Dryer. I know what you're thinking; you don't have a motorcycle, and if you did, it wouldn't be so wet as to need it, but you're missing the point.
Mar 5, 2007, 19:00
24 Ways to Bore Yourself With a Stapler
Of all the items in your cubicle, the most common and least used may very well be your stapler. It's a great device in terms of functionality, though it never gets its due credit, so let be your boredom enhancement tutorial for how to utilize that device to better-than-ever benefit.
Mar 1, 2007, 14:40
Toyota Hybrid Sports Car "Priapus" Gets Greenlight
decade Toyota made their mark by introducing the Prius, the first hybrid car to hit the market. Critics have praised it while still dubbing it a "gutless crackerbox", but now crackers have a sporty carriage of testosterone to choose while pretending to remain eco-friendly. Call it the hybrid Volta or the inbred Priapus, either way it still smells like raw pheromones.
Feb 27, 2007, 08:00
Americans Depressed Over "Fat" Stereotype Seek Solace in Cheesecake
Americans, long iconic heroes to ignorant third-worlders and lesser ethnics alike, have in recent decades been labeled as nothing more than lazy, overweight, couch-faring snobs by counterparts in Europe and Asia alike. reputation may have exacerbated the problem as, increasingly, Americans are found seeking comfort and acceptance both from Big Mars as well as pints of double-fudge ice cream.
Feb 25, 2007, 15:45
Parents Delighted Science Grad Quit for Arts
Jamie Starkschlimm, until very recently a grad student studying bio-informatics at MIT, has forsaken his entire undergraduate education (and the vast majority of his masters and undergraduate degrees as well) to pursue his life-long dream of painting decorative flowers on mirrors... and his parents couldn't be more thrilled.
Feb 23, 2007, 06:00
Tuesday Shroved Promo Pancakes for Charity
Everyone I know hates Mondays, but Tuesdays we could take or leave. They're no Fridays and they certainly aren't Sundays, so if it has to be a Tuesday, which it does more than 14% of the time, something pretty special has to happen, and IHOP has done it for us once again.
Feb 21, 2007, 11:00
Slut 2.0 Introduces Hot-Swappable Ports
On the eve of release, designers and critics alike are praising the much anticipated release of the newest version of Slut. Whether you are a casual user or a diehard Slut enthusiast, the robust build promises a hole new experience in high speed access. "The biggest improvement is the hot-swappable ports," explains John-Thomas Peters, head engineer for the project. "If you have failure on one port, you can just 'ping' the other one."
Feb 19, 2007, 20:00
Care Bear: Love Each Other You Stupid Pieces of Sheeyit!
There are only three sure things in life. Death, taxes, and having to listen to your local 14-15 year old bisexual claiming, Dashboard Confessional loving, GAP wearing, mall-rat indie emo wannabe complain about the trendiness of Valentine's Day from their Motorola cell phone.
Feb 14, 2007, 08:00
Number of Black Friends Exaggerated
COLLEGE PARK, PA � During a debate last Sunday, Alvin Perry supported an argument with a claim of numerically super-crackerous African American acquaintences. According to sources close to Perry, the number of black friends alleged may have been significantly greater than the actual number.
Feb 12, 2007, 08:00
Global Warming Theory Defeated by Poor Naming Policy
I'm no scientist of atmospheric or any other sort of ilk, but I do know what I see and experience myself, as well as what I hear and research on my own. whole "Global Warming" theory, I'm certain, is a total myth. "Climate Change", on the other hand, appears as frighteningly real as it does unpredictably uncertain.
Feb 8, 2007, 08:14
Cubist Museum Garage Proves Problematic
Baltimore�s Cubist Art Museum�s new parking garage was initially hailed as the greatest work of steel and concrete art ever conceived, but has reluctantly been relabeled "a million tons of stupidity" by city officials. The museum expected a sharp rise in attendance upon completion of the $13 million structure, but instead, admissions have fallen by more than 40% from last year.
Feb 5, 2007, 05:23
Ball Cancer; Testing your Testes
Among the rarest of cancers comes cancer of the testes. Glossy News brings you these helpful tips to keeping your balls healthy. So here's your pointers. Sharpen your pencil and trim those scragglies, it's time to do some work!
Feb 3, 2007, 03:49
Placebonol Offers Miracle Cure(s)
breakthrough drug boasts over a 30% cure rate across the board. The drug may be taken preventatively twice a day as a precaution against cancer, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, bowel irregularity, male pattern baldness and weeping genital sores, just to name a few.
Feb 1, 2007, 06:00
86.3% of All Statistics Fabricated
In a recent survey of 986.2 people from random cities it was revealed that nearly 7/8ths of all statistics throughout the Internet are made up on-the-spot to satisfy deadlines with greatest ease. We take you inside these fantastical numbers to show you what makes their makers tick.
Jan 30, 2007, 17:15
Gabe Dixon Band Deserves Award for Something, Medal for Something Else
If you like music, and based on our demographic research, you do, you're always looking for the next big thing. Maybe you're like the masses and just want something sweet and easy to swallow, if such a metaphor can be extended to things going into your ear, or if you're more of an elitist snob like me; you're looking for the next unsung hero.
Jan 24, 2007, 10:30
Karting Accident Helps Drivers Practice Hand Gestures
It started off as a day like so many others. We went to the store to do our shopping, hopped in a couple of the myriad kiddo-carts available for shopping, and went on about our business of unfairly requesting what items for sale we wanted as we saw fit. But before we could ask why our steering wheels don't actually steer anything, we found ourselves fender to fender with another cart.
Jan 13, 2007, 06:45
Stallone's Still Got It
Stallone is no mere actor in film, but is also serving as director, writer, executive producer and fight choreographer. (He'd have taken on cinematography and wardrobe, too, if not for straining a deltoid shortly before filming began.) His arrival ringside had the crowd of extras roaring with delight, and he responded with a double biceps flex, which was his way of thanking them for coming.
Jan 9, 2007, 06:00
Billy Donovan Swaps Italian Suits for Overalls, Bare Feet
Dapper Gators coach Billy Donovan is now sporting a very new look that will soon be made public. The reason? The Florida Redneck White Trash Association (FRWTA), a little known but powerful organization based out of a rundown shack in central Florida, decided they did not like Donovan�s pinstriped corporate executive style and that a change was overdue.
Jan 8, 2007, 09:45
Jesus May Be Tried for Prisoner Abuse
Newly named war-criminal Jesus Christ is defending not himself, but rather his actions from charges of complicity in recent cases of torture and murder in Iraq. Jesus said in an exclusive interview that the courts and human rights activists were clearly atheists, but that "Dubya," his faithful servant, understood Christianity fully.
Jan 7, 2007, 07:00
The Problems Facing America Today
There are many problems in the world today. Global famine, diseases, violence, and war run rampant. There�s racism, sexism, mumpsimus� abound. The roots of all of these problems, and many more, can be traced back to one single element: human stupidity. If the former are to be taken care of, then the latter must first be sniffed out in society and firmly dealt with.
Jan 6, 2007, 06:00
Coca Cola to Sponsor the Pope
It is not yet known how the sponsorship will operate day to day. However, television, print and even a poster campaign featuring the Pope �smiling and enjoying a refreshing can� are said to be �in the cards.� Suggestions that the Pope will now give his Sunday morning St Peter�s Square mass in a Coca Cola cap are said to be �on the table, but unlikely.�
Jan 5, 2007, 08:00
That Actor Everyone Liked is Dead
Today Hollywood mourns the loss of yet another vaguely remembered, often well-rounded secondary character player. TV and movie watchers everywhere will permanently shift to past-tense mode in their viewing habits, saying "Hey, look, it's that guy from that show or shows we used to watch all the time."
Jan 4, 2007, 06:00
Chronic Masturbator Emits Powder, Ghost*
Jim Westford, husband of Christine Shears and upstanding businessman in Auburn, Washington has never made qualms about his penchant for pornography nor his rabid habit of self-gratification. What's new, according to his own testimony as of week, is his failure to soil himself with fluids, regardless of his vehemence in hand-over-fist succeses in self-gratification.
Jan 3, 2007, 06:00
Guide to Commonly Abused Drugs, Pt. 4
With dealers and lawmakers in disagreement over whether illegal drug use is on the rise or on the run, many are finding it more difficult to know which is the right drug to use. The choice is very important, as your addiction will become your life. Therefore it is critical to decide in advance if you want to be a junkie, cokehead, tweaker, pothead, E-tard, or one of so many other delightfully labeled persons.
Jan 2, 2007, 08:00
Guide to Commonly Abused Drugs, Pt. 3
With dealers and lawmakers in disagreement over whether illegal drug use is on the rise or on the run, many are finding it more difficult to know which is the right drug to use. The choice is very important, as your addiction will become your life. Therefore it is critical to decide in advance if you want to be a junkie, cokehead, tweaker, pothead, E-tard, or one of so many other delightfully labeled persons.
Jan 1, 2007, 08:00
Guide to Commonly Abused Drugs, Pt. 2
With dealers and lawmakers in disagreement over whether illegal drug use is on the rise or on the run, many are finding it more difficult to know which is the right drug to use. The choice is very important, as your addiction will become your life. Therefore it is critical to decide in advance if you want to be a junkie, cokehead, tweaker, pothead, E-tard, or one of so many other delightfully labeled persons.
Dec 30, 2006, 07:00
Guide to Commonly Abused Drugs, Pt. 1
With dealers and lawmakers in disagreement over whether illegal drug use is on the rise or on the run, many are finding it more difficult to know which is the right drug to use. The choice is very important, as your addiction will become your life. Therefore it is critical to decide in advance if you want to be a junkie, cokehead, tweaker, pothead, E-tard, or one of so many other delightfully labeled persons.
Dec 29, 2006, 05:00
Man Sues His ISP, Claims He Was Once Normal
Dave Morgan used to consider himself a regular guy, but five years of Internet use have turned him into a complete and utter jackass, and he intends to make his Internet service provider pay damages for that.
|Mr. Morgan's "angry" face more funny than scary.|
"I used to be a nice guy," said Morgan. "Then I got on the Internet and it changed me. I started signing up at message boards, because they seemed fun. But it's so easy to get into arguments on them. Much easier than it is in real life, where someone can punch you in the face."
Dec 18, 2006, 12:26
Letter From Down Below: I am Britney's Underpants
It is not easy being relegated to the 'occasional use' category of your owner's wardrobe. It's not that I'm not fancy or anything, because I am. You would find me or others like me, in Victoria's Secret for sure and in other places where fine lingerie is sold. That I know for certain.
Dec 14, 2006, 16:33
How Winning the Lottery Isn't All That Great
So imagine, if you can, winning the lottery. Sure, you have better odds of being bitten by a shark, even if you live in Minnesota, but as the clever ads point out; somebody has to win. You'll get overnight fame and fortune as if you were a small-time celebrity, but you'll get something else those celebrities get; more money-fame than money-fortune.
Dec 12, 2006, 23:32
Comics Not Just for Kids, Say Immature Adults
year's annual Comic-Fest in New Jersey set a new attendance record and proved once and for all that comic books aren't just for kids anymore, even though they should be. Since the convention began in 1989, the age of the average comic fan has increased by 300%. Coincidentally, sociologists claim that maturity rates are down by that same percentage.
Dec 10, 2006, 12:08
Eager-Beaver Brother Usurps Pee Throne
I�ve been a student of the urinary arts for about a year now and I have to say I�m getting pretty good at it. I�m not perfect, I�ll admit that much, but if I�ve learned one thing from my Mr. Daddy-O it�s that my time on my throne should be my own. newcomer to the sport doesn�t get it, the baby keeps pushing me off the chair and it just isn�t right.
Dec 9, 2006, 17:25
Transcripts Reveal Communicating with Nancy Grace Impossible
A study of three recent transcripts reveals that communicating with CNN personality Nancy Grace is nearly impossible. We have with us via satellite defense attorney Charles Sullivan, who agreed to talk with us about case. Mr. Sullivan, do you think it was appropriate for your client to fire a shotgun into the air to get those rowdy teens off his front lawn?
Dec 8, 2006, 18:19
Bay Area's Kid Beyond Goes that Far and Farther
Earlier year I heard a story on NPR about a San Francisco beat box artist named Kid Beyond. Truth be told, I'm not into that kind of music so much, but was something different. It was outright remarkable and I wanted to know more. I went to his website, checked out his music on MySpace and everything I learned compelled me that much more. Once I'd dug as deep as I could I felt I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
Dec 7, 2006, 02:18
Our Biggest Fan Breezes Into Our Livingroom, Lives
As the summer winks out to nothing at all, no heat and no long days, it's time again for us to pay tribute to our biggest fans, specifically a 19" oscillating one we got at Walgreens. It's our biggest fan to date, and at under twenty bucks you can hardly go wrong. Still a little bit wrong you can go, but not entirely.
Dec 5, 2006, 16:20
Penn Jillette: Purveyor of Bullshit� Maybe Just Recognizing It
In recent months I've been watching more and more of the Showtime original series "Penn & Teller; Bullshit!", and as much as I want to cancel costly my subscription to Showtime, I just can't do it. Why? Because the show is just that good, and although I'm sure Penn Jillette only believes a meager half of what he asserts, the challenge is still put forward that you and I should doubt everything. Everything? Yep, even the claims made by his very show.
Dec 4, 2006, 02:01
Glossy News Wikipedia Initiative - Let's Fix the Bastard
When Wikipedia first started, I was a skeptic. It was at a time when every clown with an idea had a site and all the funding they could dream up to throw at it, no matter how terrible it was. It didn't have enough articles, they weren't very good, and the opportunity for abuse defied survivability, but I was wrong. Today, Wikipedia isn't just a leading destination on the web, but a staggering success, but it's got a little bit of room to grow and the Glossy News Wikipedia Initiative says it's time to do just that.
Dec 3, 2006, 02:07
Stodgy Old Taco Bell Franchisee Won�t Participate in Any National Promotions
OGVILLE, WI � Stuffy Taco Bell franchisee Herbert Dalham, 66, consistently refuses to relay new corporate product offerings to Ogville residents, sources reported Friday.
Dec 2, 2006, 01:58
Bush Administration Reveals Fuel Conservation Plan
Energy secretary Samuel W. Bodman today revealed highlights of the Bush administration�s fuel conservation plan. According to Bodman, the administration will now put gas powered lawn tractors and self propelled scooters at the forefront of their fuel conservation plan.
Dec 1, 2006, 01:40
HEAVEN -- Heavenly sources advised today that God has announced his retirement. The Lord Almighty�s announcement sent shockwaves across the cosmos.
|A small smattering of "The Cosmos"|
Nov 30, 2006, 21:55
Stealing Office Supplies - What's Up
A recent report indicated that more young workers (1 in 5) tend to steal office supplies than older workers (1 in 10) without thinking it is wrong. 25% versus 12% had taken supplies home in the previous year. There was nothing in the report indicating how many employees had been caught taking supplies and how many were fired, are in jail, or executed for such behavior.
|Come on, you know your red-handed prints are all over baby!|
Nov 29, 2006, 17:13
FDA Warns of Turkey Poisoning
It feels like it's been a good fifty years of non-stop turkey gobbling, and I do believe I've got me a wicked case of that turkey poisoning the FDA's been warning about. Me and Mr. ThanksTurkey both weighed in at twenty-five pounds a week ago, but he's down to about zero and I'm up to maybe a hundred and a half. Talk about us both being sleepy!
Nov 28, 2006, 12:12
Supreme Court Decision Victory for NBA, Loss for NRA
WASHINGTON, DC - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 8-1 in favor of the National Basketball Association in the controversial NFL v. NBA case Tuesday. The National Football League had sued the NBA on charges of obscenity due to the exhibitionist nature of the player jerseys, sources said. NBA chief attorney Melvin Rowan cited the Second Amendment's guarantee of the right to "keep and bare arms" as the cornerstone of his 7-month battle.
Nov 27, 2006, 18:31
An Interview With the Almighty
After countless years of being told that He was �just too busy,� Glossy News was recently granted an audience with The Almighty at His Atlantic City penthouse. What follows is a transcript of that brief interview.
Nov 26, 2006, 15:05
TSA Bans "Fun" on Airlines
Effective immediately, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced an adjustment in the aviation threat level from RED to ORANGE--and for the color blind, from "pretty dark" to "slightly less dark." As befuddled travelers struggled through even tighter airport security, and with it, longer lines, they were stunned to find security officers burrowing through their bags for what seemed like endless minutes looking for yet another newly prohibited carry-on item, "fun." To eliminate any chance of the threat levels such as "RED" and "ORANGE" being used as a weapon against Americans, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff also augmented the threat level system itself, saying "aviation threat levels shall now be known as 'Red your grandmother might wear at Christmas' and 'That really tacky orange you see on Floridian homes the further south you go.'" The terrorist threat "fun" presents to an airplane, its crew and its passengers was referred to as greater than the threat of "sticky-notes, doilies, and Vaseline combined", said one DHS official.
Nov 25, 2006, 12:11
ATF to Regulate Mullets
In a long anticipated move, the US bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has been put in charge of the staunch regulation of mullets, and their possession.
Nov 24, 2006, 20:14
Top FoodTV Chef Quits Over Linguistic Differences
Super-popular chef Martin "Le Porque" Lupigluiare has given notice of his intent to terminate his contract for his top-grossing series with FoodTV as a result of "artistic differences" related to his aversion to at least two well-used foodie phrases: to "do" any particular dish, and to "plate up" any such dish. For example, Chef Le Porque has refused to utter such standard script blurbs as "For bachellorette party, we're going to 'do' a curried pasta salad, followed by a..." and "Let me just 'plate up' these baby back ribs while I retrieve the corn from the..."
Nov 24, 2006, 19:21
Eating Right for Humans Gets Easier
Recent reports in the US and Canada suggest most people, even though they may read food labels and such about what's in what they plan to ingest, don't really pay much attention to it in terms of what they actually eat. Thus, we're nations of fatties, eating a lot of junk.
Nov 23, 2006, 00:01
Boy Caught Playing Dolls Faces Life of Embarrassment
It was a day unlike any other in the life of the illustriously famous junior journalist Brendan Alexander. He woke, he rose, he saw toys and he played with them. The only difference was the toy nearest on day was a dolly, and the boy in question happened to be me; so now I�m apparently doomed to a life of peculiar awkwardness.
|I guess all I can hope for is that I'll be as handsome as dolly-playing man when I grow up.|
Nov 21, 2006, 16:13
Reviews of "The Smile," Starring Edward James Olmos
"That tiresome Hollywood cliche', the Gypsy curse, has been infused with vigorous new life in thriller about a curt, somber-faced Head Chef who must suddenly go through life with a broad smile etched on his face. Much of the film's success is due to the bold casting of Edward James Olmos. Mr. Olmos has played curt somber-faced police lieutenants, curt somber-faced teachers, curt somber-faced fathers, curt somber-faced spaceship commanders and many other types of curt somber-faced authority figures in his lengthy, acclaimed career -- yet here he displays an amazing new depth of character and range of emotion... He smiles, by God! And viewers will find themselves smiling back."
|The ever-serious Edward James Olmos|
Nov 20, 2006, 01:25
Doctor Recommends J. Lo Quit Taking it Up The Ass
Can Jennifer Lopez get pregnant? �Well she can if she can stop getting her freak on for a week or two,� said noted fertility doctor Seymour Hershey. �Frankly, she just needs to quit taking it up the ass for a little while.� It is widely accepted that current hubby Marc Anthony might be tapping that ass overtime, but recent interviews on rumors of her pregnancy reveals J. Lo actually prefers it up the ass. �My ass made me what I am today,� J. Lo told reporters. �It�s good to love your work,� she giggled, bending over to tease the camera man.
Nov 19, 2006, 02:01
"The Rumsfeld Diaries" Hammers the Point Home
Donald Rumsfeld is not a public figure who inspires indifference in most Americans. His central role in the Bush administration's diplomatic and military policies, combined with an unusual degree of charisma (he actually made People magazine's "Sexiest" list in 2002), have made him a lightning rod for scathing criticism and fervent praise alike (though considerably less of the latter than the former in recent days). But what of the man behind the inscrutable mask? What went through his mind when first he met Saddam Hussein? Cold policy calculations? Mirthless manipulation?
Nov 18, 2006, 03:35
Clinton to Campaign for Kerry, Fathers Lock Up Daughters
Former President Clinton announced week that he will be hitting the campaign trail to make appearances in support of Presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D � Ma.). announcement has caused fathers across America to lock up their daughters until Mr. Clinton�s campaigning is over and his whereabouts are known on an hourly basis. went double for fathers of chunky daughters.
Nov 17, 2006, 10:10
Rumsfeld Could Face Fate Worse than Justice
Donald Rumsfeld, verily the greatest terror to strike the international scene in forever, is no longer in a position to strike fear in the hearts of anyone, except perhaps for members of his family, whose lives he's committed to catastrophically impacting instead of the tens of thousands of lives he's already destroyed overseas. He earned virtually immunity under the watchful fists of rage commanded by his commander in chief, but as quickly as imaginary WMDs, it seems his invulnerability is evaporating just as quickly.
Nov 14, 2006, 03:05
Bungling Organizers Accidentally Put Saddam on Ballot Paper
Embarrassed election organizers in Iraq are today putting on a brave face following the disturbing news that Saddam Hussein's name mistakenly appeared on thousands of ballot papers distributed across the country.
Nov 5, 2006, 07:28
Guantanamo (e)Bay Opens for Business
eBay, Inc. (Nasdaq:EBAY) announced last month its plans to launch a new website catering to residents of the US Navy base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The announcement was shrouded in secrecy, yet more details became available today, when eBay launched the new site six weeks ahead of schedule.
Nov 1, 2006, 15:56
Halloween: It's For the Dogs, Cats and a Lizard
Almost every American child loves when Halloween comes, after all, it's the only time of year when their parents dole out wild amounts of cash on the imaginary musings of their candy-greedy offspring. Perhaps the adults see Halloween as an excuse to gain insight into their childrens' dreams... do they long to be Superman or Jason, Hillary Clinton or Dorthoy Gale? There are even those parents that indulge their little angels and devils with elaborate handmade costumes in the slim chance their child will win the prize for best costume at their school. But what is it that motivates the parents of furbabies?
Oct 29, 2006, 21:54
Andy Borowitz Successfully Swipes "Republican Playbook", Publishes to Fanfare
Noted syndicated satirist Andy Borowitz has done it again. By "it", I may mean that he's infiltrated right-wing ranks and got his hands on something critical, or that he's put his finger on the proper pulse and lampooned that bastard with uncommon wit and humor. Take it as you may, but if you want to know what "taking a play from the Republican Handbook" means, you simply must get your hands on a copy of it yourself.
Oct 26, 2006, 04:49
Best Halloweentown Side of Fun: Remlinger Farms
Many parents find it important, as each season rolls around, to find an assortment of festivities to enjoy with their family. may be a visit to the mall Santa, hunting eggs at the neighborhood church or watching the fireworks go off like a mama who just found the mess I made in collaboration with my roommates. For Halloween, however, it can be the most fun of all.
Oct 21, 2006, 16:09
Kermit the Frog Wages Jihad on Fraggles
As reported by The Christian Science Monitor via Yahoo News, the creator of the Muppets has produced a puppet show in Afghanistan to teach children about the dangers of land mines.
Oct 19, 2006, 14:06
Interview with Sam Akina, Writer/Director of Bullets, Blood & a Fistful of Ca$h
Akina Entertainment is in the process of a Pacific Northwest regional rollout of their debut film, "Bullets, Blood and a Fistful of Ca$h". Although it has only had a few screenings to date, critical acclaim has been universal. There will be a screening at Seattle's Metro Cinemas at 7:00pm on October 12th, and Glossy News had a chance to sit down with writer/director Sam Akina for a brief interview.
Oct 12, 2006, 05:23
Shatner Roasted, Dick Toasted
If there was ever a rip in the time-space continuum, it most certainly occurred Sunday, August 20 at 10:00 p.m. William Shatner made the worst career move since �Big, Bad Mama� by offering himself up to be roasted by a troupe of the lamest pseudo-celebrities ever assembled in one place. It was a critical mass of mediocrity which somehow included Betty White in a futile attempt to give the illusion of credibility.
Oct 9, 2006, 12:24
Man Refuses to Check Himself Before He Wrecks Himself
NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA--Ignoring repeated warnings from both the United States Department of Health and Gangsta Rapper Ice Cube that shotgun bullets are bad for your health, area resident Charles Culpepper tragically neglected to check himself just moments before wrecking himself.
|I warned 'em all they gotta "check yo'self"|
According to an eyewitness speaking on the condition of anonymity, Culpepper was engaged in a heated argument over whether word was bond with an unidentified individual who repeatedly warned Culpepper to �check yo'self.�
Oct 7, 2006, 10:48
Haberdashery Brags More Careers Than City University
Oh man, I had just thought I was all about looking in to new careers before, but as a jack-of-all-trades must, I�ve had to wear many different hats. What I always knew was how hard it was to find those �new hats� but, as it turns out the costume shop has more than I could have ever even imagined.
Oct 6, 2006, 23:56
Door-to-Doorascopes (Halloween Horrorscopes)
Halloween Horroscopes: Consult the stars to find what your trick-or-treating future holds. Candy, gum, rocks, razors, a hot babe in a latex devil's outfit and a battery-operated pitchfork...it's all in the stars!
Oct 5, 2006, 08:21
Hot Blind Date Needs to Shut the Hell Up
Christian Mengalsdorf was barely past the appetizers thirty-five minutes into his blind date with the (as promised) very attractive Megan Allyn. The only problem arising was her painful inability to shut her damn trap. "Jesus,", he said, "with her mouth going like that, I can't get a dick in edgewise!"
Sep 29, 2006, 09:30
Halloween Candy Special Report
Is yours the house that, year after year, gets egged, soaped, t.p.'d, spray-painted, set on fire or surrounded by an angry horde of little costumed terrorists? No? Then try some of these carefully selected trick-or-treater hand-outs ~
Sep 26, 2006, 08:35
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin Dead From Fish Blow
Famed sorta-zoologist and crocodile dry-humper Steve Irwin died early week after a brief battle with a fish. The "Crocodile Hunter" was on location in northern Australia filming an underwater documentary called "Ocean's Deadliest" which, although incomplete, has already been nominated for an Acadamy Award for Most Accurate Film Title by a Dead Guy in the History of Mankind.
Sep 5, 2006, 17:28
Coffee Futures Tumble on News of 3-Pot-A-Day Man Switching to Tea
Coffee futures today took a big tumble on both the New York Board of Trade and Kansas City commodity exchanges on news that Philadelphia cab dispatcher John Fonseca, formerly well known to drink three pots of coffee a day, is switching to tea as his caffeinated beverage of choice.
Aug 27, 2006, 15:04
Quandary of Genius: The Life, Struggle, and Passion (for diction) of George Walker Bush
Throughout history humanity has given birth to many extraordinary leaders that have been given a divine gift to command the wills of other and craft the future of civilization with their prophetic foresight and indomitable wills. Men like these come only in handfuls, men like; Mohandas Gandhi, Lech Walesa, V.I. Lenin, Bhaskar Sunkara, Malcolm X, Mikhail Gorbachev, and most recently our generation�s own leader, the great, the always affable, the master wordsmith President George Walker Bush. Although it is clear to even the most untrained, drug-addicted, sandal wearing, stem-cell munching liberal-eye that the President is a master orator, skilled writer, and witty interviewee, the shimmering brilliance of our glorious leader can only be truly appreciated when one carefully examines his words and actions during his remarkable political career.
Aug 24, 2006, 22:36
Vasectoman Fakes Way Into Hundred Women via Craig's List
Jerome Thompkins, a Norfolk area doctor, is charged with conning over a hundred women into literally thousands of instances of impassioned, bareback sex over a period of almost four years, thanks to his clever postings in the W4M category of noted online bulletin board Craig's List.
|These lil spermies of Dr. V will never, ever create ugly babies.|
Aug 22, 2006, 12:04
Warren Buffett Gives 40 Billion to Help Young Couple Get on Their Feet
The collective heart of the business world melted today as multi-billionaire Warren Buffett gave forty billion dollars to a young couple just starting out. Bill and Melissa Gates own a small software company in Washington and are currently worth a paltry twenty-three billion dollars.
|They may be smiling but we're not.|
Aug 21, 2006, 06:40
Yet Another Nine-Year-Old Fails to Create World�s Largest Gum Wad
ALEXA, VT � Nine-year-old Chase Boydell was the 100 millionth child to give up on an attempt to make the largest wad of chewed-up gum in the world, sources reported Thursday. At 0.47 pounds, the attempt fell within the 30th percentile among recorded gum wads, falling short of the current record by almost 1700 pounds.
|Bubble Wad Mania strikes again!|
Aug 20, 2006, 22:34
Bush Sets Up Lemonade Stand On White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. � In a nationally televised press conference held Tuesday, President Bush announced that he has set up a lemonade stand on the White House's front lawn in the hopes of raising enough money to pay for rebuilding the South, Iraq, and, if there is enough �scratch� left over, Social Security.
Bush said he set the lemonade stand up all by himself over the weekend, after seeing a story on Fox News about a little girl from South Dakota who had done the same thing.
Aug 19, 2006, 23:29
What Was Condi Saying?
Top Ten Theories regarding Condileeza's body language... Check it out! Then submit your Top 10 and see your theory published in Glossy Glory!
|What does she say when he's not standing over her shoulder?|
Submissions become the property of Glossy News
Aug 18, 2006, 00:08
Susan Lazy, Giddy to Spin
I've expanded ad nauseum* about many of the many, many beautiful and bountiful glories of our new house but, my latest discovery, the Susan of highest laziness begged me for help and I'm not one to deny it. Susan be spun and I'm the spinner.
|Spin, Susan, Spin!|
I assume you've never met a Susan. I conducted a survey and found that only 40% of people have ever met one.*** Amongst me and the (very) simple majority of my peers we've found it's a highly uncommon name. But if you've met or owned one, you may know laziness I speak of.
Aug 17, 2006, 11:01
Bin Laden Vows Never to Watch Winter Olympics Again
CAIRO, Egypt � Osama bin Laden vowed to never watch the Winter Olympics again and said that �American Idol� was far more enjoyable in an audiotape released by Al-Jazeera today.
In the tape aired on the Arabic news channel, bin Laden chastised the quadrennial Winter games being held in Turin, Italy, but also praised the �American Idol� franchise for its entertainment value.
Aug 16, 2006, 03:27
Giant Valve to be Used to Manage Entrance of Immigrants to the US
The Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) has big plans to manage America's immigration problems. Based on flow through technologies, the INS contracted one of the world's foremost control systems manufacturers to build a device that would serve to, literally, control immigration.
Aug 15, 2006, 16:37
You say Bush added 250,000 Jobs, but Mr. Bush, where�s my job?
Folks, not a lot of things really chap my ass, but every once in a while, some phenomenon occurs that so straddles the fence between absurd and evil that I can�t help but set the world straight through a flurry of internet blog entries and comment postings.
|Yeah, I'm disgruntled... So what??|
Aug 14, 2006, 21:58
WWE Joins Fight to Oust Bolivian President
In an attempt to raise its profile and credibility, World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. has sent some of its finest combatants to Bolivia to join the popular uprising calling for the resignation of that country�s president.
Aug 13, 2006, 18:55
Entire US Snowboard Team Admits To Smoking Weed
Turin, Italy - A spokesperson for the United States Olympic Men�s Snowboarding Team confirmed today that almost every single member of the US snowboarding team regularly smokes weed.
While admission did not appear to be breaking news to many of the viewers of the Olympic snowboard competition, it marked the first time in Olympic history that an entire team has openly admitted to smoking weed.
Aug 12, 2006, 23:09
It's with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can't even imagine whom she or he may be. It's with baited breath we bring you the Albacoreascopes, horoscopes tailored just for you, you fish, fish gobblin' or fish huntin' fool.
|Eat Me! I dare you.|
Aug 11, 2006, 01:23
Luncheon Degrades to Blame-Game, Popcorn Feast
Man oh man oh Manitoba, what painfully little good can ever come from a work luncheon? We productive types around the Perplexing office gathered for a brainstorm session, but ultimately little was accomplished save for the consumption en masse of the very popcorn meant to keep us happy.
Aug 10, 2006, 23:16
Solutions to High Gas Prices
With gas prices continuing to rise, and oil company (oilco) profits going through the roof, people are asking: what are we going to do about it? Or, more specifically, what is the government going to do about it?
Aug 9, 2006, 11:22
Rasputin asks "Where's My Wang!?"
WHO STOLE MY JUNK!? Who is the slimy little twinkle toes communist pissant who cut off RasputKONG!?
|The man behind the muscle.|
Did we have to chop it off!? Couldn't we have, instead of displaying my dismembered member, circulated rumors about it and given me like an open tomb or something like that!? Ya know... Done something where any chick who is willing to try a ride on the dead and yet still incredibly hot monk has to pay an entrance fee, all of which goes to the upkeep of the place, ya know... Making me look lifelike and all, and cleaning it off after every 2-thousand served or something.
Aug 8, 2006, 16:58
Ford Explorer Blew Me Away, Beat My Expectations
I took out a 2006 Eddie Bauer Edition Ford Explorer. It's a beautiful ride for sure, and it was trimmed out tremendously, but that doesn't always mean it's a good car, as any driver will hastily agree, specifically when the first payment or two comes in on their new auto. But let's cut to the chase and my summary as well; car blew me away.
Jul 24, 2006, 05:47
The Politics of Vegetables
There is much to be learned from growing vegetables. year, I discovered a trait before gone unnoticed. Although the garden was defined by tidy, controlled rows, once the seed packs were divided, the vegetables began exhibiting certain political behavior by subdividing into committees and caucuses.
|They look so placid and yet...|
Apr 30, 2006, 14:17
New Church of the Sedant Praises Sedantarianism
Rising from amid the din created by Atkins-crazed carb-haters, physical exercise gurus, and anti-fast food advocates, a new church is set to provide solace to the world's disinfranchised sedantarians.
Apr 26, 2006, 07:46
Resurrection Rabbit Masterminds Insulin Pandemic
News spread yesterday of a kindly though mentally askew "Easter Rabbit" spreading joy, happiness and eggs throughout the Christian world at random. Late breaking developments uncovered the sinister truth behind the tainted loot.
|Have you seen bad bunny? 10000 carrot reward|
Apr 16, 2006, 23:24
NSA Admits Recording Calls, Asks You to Speak More Clearly
Over a month ago the Whitehouse responded to claims that it was illegally recording tens of thousands of telephone calls placed by or to American citizens who are not considered to be suspects in the war on terror. The president has since come out and declared painlessly that these unauthorized and non-court-sanctioned recordings are completely legal because he says they are, so now, based on absolution, the National Security Administration would like to issue simple request to you good, law abiding American citizens � Could you please speak more clearly?
Apr 6, 2006, 06:37
Man Sick of Hearing About Healing Properties of Humor/Laughter
Darren Hagel of Missouri, WI, wants the world to know that he is sick of seeing or reading news items about the healing powers of humor and laughter.
|Well-known healers from a by-gone age: silly yet still relevant|
Apr 4, 2006, 06:05
Anti-War Coalition Lose Collective Minds, Try Out New Strategies
�Hi! We�re protesters. Is there anything we can do to help the war effort?� Susie Madsen of Seattle asked stunned City Councilman Max Stevenson. Madsen is part of a growing movement in the Anti-War Coalition now battle-testing new tactics aimed towards bringing America's troops home.
Mar 30, 2006, 09:27
Found Guilty of A Salt and Battery
Oh I`m guilty and I`m loving it!
|a-salt'n my baby bro|
I've been caught, caught red-handed and found guilty before, but I'm so busted time it makes, bakes, and takes the cake all at once. There's little denying I did it and, honestly, I'm proud. With energizer in hand, I salted Baby Dominic.
Mar 28, 2006, 13:37
Blockbuster to Acquire Hollywood; "Sick of Damned Competition"
Dallas, TX - In November, Blockbuster Video announced their intention to execute a merger with national rival Hollywood Video, but since negotiations turned sour with cries of "We're not for sale," Blockbuster has now come clean to the public that they do indeed have a new plan of attack: simple execution. "No more of damned video store wars," said Blockbuster, "it's time to raise the bar and the prices."
|Can you guess who is Blockbuster and who is Hollywood?|
Mar 27, 2006, 01:24
Science/World Rejoices as Dust Problem Appears Solved
After years of research, mainly at the Home and Garden Research (HaGR) Center in Bangor, Maine, experts appear to have solved one of the greatest sources of frustration among users of indoor space - the continous appearance of house dust no matter how often you dust.
|Physically removing dust - not a real answer|
Mar 25, 2006, 10:07
Richard Simmons in Critical Condition after Bejeweling Accident
Los Angeles, CA � Word has come in early morning that actor and all-around sparkle king Richard Simmons was in critical condition at the UCLA Medical Center after a horrible bejeweling accident.
Mar 22, 2006, 15:58
Lynnwood Country Club Apartments Rife with Rent Theft
consumer protection matter first came to our attention almost two years ago, and we looked into the matter, but the central complainant reached a solution with property management and requested we let the matter go. Now, years later, it�s come back to the forefront and all our original sources are as eager to tell their story now as ever before. Bottom line is that Lynnwood Country Club Apartments managed by Westlake Associates in Seattle steals rent from their tenants and has no problem being nasty about it.
Mar 21, 2006, 20:57
Taylor Hicks Reportedly Dying
Birmingham, AL - Taylor Hicks, blues singer and finalist on American Idol's fifth season, is allegedly dying, according to a doctor who reported anonymously by telephone from a north Hollywood emergency room. "Two things are plainly clear," said the doctor, "people will believe anything they read, and Taylor Hicks is dying to be the next American Idol."
Mar 20, 2006, 08:55
America Using EcoTerrorism Against China? Maybe.
It seems that the avian flu is especially suited to damage China, an up and coming superpower of century.
|Bird Flu, it sure is pretty for being so ugly|
Already, they have killed millions of birds in at least ten outbreaks, creating horrible karma with God in order to stop the disease from spreading.
Mar 19, 2006, 14:21
"PHPNuke Garage" Right, I Do Best Work in Garage Too
A couple months back I had the rare glimpse of insight that I needed to build a new site for a new concept I wanted to launch. After many, many attempts to find a best solution for my content management needs, the conclusion I reached was that I needed to use PhpNuke, but I was daunted by the notion of being less of a caveman and learning a very big, new system, no matter how popular and widespread it may be.
|Look for me in bookstores near you.|
Mar 16, 2006, 06:39
Informed First-Graders Make Decision to Oppose War
TUCUMCARI, NM - An independent-thinking class of first-graders at Tucumcari Elementary School made a unanimous, informed decison to oppose the Iraq war with the help of their teacher, Loretta Manill, yesterday.
Mar 14, 2006, 16:47
New Planet's Name a Boon to Humor Industry
Recently, astronomers and amateur star gazers identified that there just may be a 10th planet in our fair solar system. Located way out at the farthest reaches, the new planet lacks only a name to give it a place in our storied system's history.
|Really really out there|
Well, wait no longer friends, the experts have decided on a name for the new, diminutive planet. Welcome all to "Planet Urpeaniss." To locate it, you find Uranus and it's just up from there.
Mar 12, 2006, 05:42
Fudge Found Culpable in Smear Campaign
Why are you looking me like that? You can tell I`ve been smeared, can`t you?
|I like donuts.|
We're naught but bonafide, legitified, respectified journalists around here. We've always reviewed everyone in highest esteem, but now it seems I've personally come under attack. My good name and indeed my very face now seems smeared. By whom? Nay, by what? And the answer is, fudge.
Mar 11, 2006, 15:39
Dear Mr. Bonds, Give Us the Asterisk
At age 40 Barry Bonds is almost assured to break the record 755 career home runs, but is an open letter from a true baseball fan to a true legend. One who's record will require an asterisk, whether it ever gets one or not.
( article originally ran September 13, 2004, but we at
Glossy News felt justified in bringing it forth from our archives due to the recent allegations brought to light as "Breaking News" worldwide -- Okay, truth... we just want to say, "told you so.")
Mar 8, 2006, 20:06
Bank Assures Clients: �We're Market-Timing Too�
NEW YORK � In a letter addressed to clients of his firm, Thomas �Cork� Corcoran, CEO of the investment bank Corcoran & McPhee, addressed concerns regarding the recent scandals involving investment banks using improper leverage to gain trading advantages in shares of mutual funds.
Mar 4, 2006, 15:22
Bush Proposes Faith Based Hurricanes
Once again shocking the scientific community, President Bush's announcement past Friday seemed to avoid subtly the subject of global warming, while raising the alarm within the world scientific community towards America's President. "The jury is still out on what creates hurricanes", the President began a statement to past Friday.
Mar 2, 2006, 00:23
Credit Taken for Non-Original Diarrhea Song
CASOLARI, KY - Local pizza driver Craig Zilman allegedly tried to lead two dough tossers to believe that a diarrhea song he had learned from an alternate source was his own composition Wednesday. Zilman, 25, and pizza spinners Alex Burquist and Jason Cranston had reportedly spent the entire afternoon developing a long repertoire of original variations of the classic "Diarrhea" chant when Burquist and Cranston instantly recognized one of Zilman's contributions as a ripped-off schoolyard classic.
Mar 1, 2006, 01:48
Nation Gripped with Pancake Day Fever
Before I get ahead of myself, let me start by wishing you one and all a merry and joyous Pancake Day. As a fan of any food related holiday, one really hit close to home for us. Specifically it hit about four miles away, but it wasn�t bad since we drove.
Feb 28, 2006, 03:41
Ford Fails to Create Obvious Olympic Tie-in
While the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy come to an end, the trouble's only beginning for one set of lowly ad executives.
Reports indicate that Ford Motor Company has let its entire advertising team go for failing to take advantage of the Olympics and one of the world's most obvious product tie-ins.
Feb 27, 2006, 06:03
New "Insurgent Ali" Action Figure Surprise Attacks Toy Market
PAWTUCKET, RI - With first-week sales blowing the walls off of those of any other line of action figures in U.S. history, Playtime Inc's new terrorist-inspired "Insurgent Ali" action figure made a surprise attack on the toy market last Sunday.
Feb 24, 2006, 00:36
Virgin Transatlantic Fly the Yogic Way
Virgin Atlantic Airlines boss Sir Richard Branson flew into the U.S. today, headed for Fairfield, Iowa, where he intends to learn yogic flying at the Maharishi International University.
Feb 23, 2006, 17:43
Will You Sponsor Me For My School Walk-A-Thon?
Hello, sir. I am trying to raise money for my school. Will you help me? C'mon, please? It's for a good cause! Yes? Thank you! Our school is doing a walk-a-thon. All you have to do is put your name down on list and pledge whatever amount you want per mile. You can pledge as little as $1 or as much as $10 per mile. The student that raises the most money gets a special prize! How far am I gonna walk? Well, I'll do my best sir!
Feb 22, 2006, 01:00
At War with the Pizza Factory
THE ISLAND TO THE EAST OF US -- King Magnus II stood at the palace window with his eye pressed against his telescope. Across the water, he could see the smoke rising from the cheese puff factory on the neighboring island of Snill.
Feb 21, 2006, 13:48
Church Forms Small, Intimate Support Group For Homosexuals
ROBERTSON, IA - Roberston Second Baptist Church announced it's new homosexual support group program last Friday. The goal of the program is to connect men struggling with homosexuality through small, intimate groups where the topic of homosexuality can be openly discussed.
Feb 20, 2006, 14:16
Retaining Wall Rocks Hard Despite Missing Drummer, Bassist
Ours is a hilly region and thereby insures most all of us live on a hill or in a valley. Ours is a home of tallest perch, which automatically requires some fashionable sort of retaining wall. The wall we use to hold back green earth is of rock, and it rocks hard and without end.
Feb 18, 2006, 00:12
Bush's Alito Confirmed: Papa's Got a Brand New Guinnea
After the Harriet Meyer debaccle, most Americans wondered if they would be president Bush's next nominee to fill the supreme court vacancy, but as a clever strategist, Bush got exactly what he wanted. The fantastically conservative Samuel Alito was named and sailed quickly, effortlessly and painlessly through confirmation hearings. Not a ripple was seen on his ocean of qualifications, unless of course you count the complete breakdown of his wife over what critics agree was "really nothing at all".
Feb 17, 2006, 06:33
Cingular Busted on "Unlimited Mobile to Mobile, AL" Plan
Since their merger/buyout of the non-company AT&T Wireless, Cingular has improved it's reputation from the "largest corner of no signal whatsoever" to that of a true player in the era of modern wireless communication. Their biggest push has been the claim of the largest free mobile-to-Mobile calling area, but with bills now rolling in, subscribers only now understand that only refers to calls to Mobile, Alabama.
Feb 16, 2006, 06:11
Dim Sum's Horoscopes, Almanac, and Planting Guide
Welcome to the astrological stylings of Dim Sum, the one astrologer that�s not afraid to say, �Who the hell knows?� Dim's horoscopes are guaranteed to fool some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, and the rest on an as-needed basis.
Feb 13, 2006, 00:49
Kid Suffers From "Selective Shyness"
As a seasoned senior journalist of intermittently shy and outgoing natures, I've long wondered what it is that oscillates me from one to the other. Upon my most recent shopping market adventure it became more clear to me, and for the better, though it all still confuses me terrifically.
Feb 9, 2006, 15:07
Looter Shoots Self
Lake Charles, LA: New Orleans hurricane refugee Pete Treble shot himself in the early morning hours while looting Barry's Gun World in a strip mall here in Lake Charles. After evacuating New Orleans in the face of Hurricane Katrina, Treble watched news reports of looters ravaging his hometown. He even saw images of New Orleans police officers looting sneakers from a K-Mart. These scenes outraged Treble to the point where he vowed he would seek revenge and kill looters if ever "given another chance."
Feb 8, 2006, 00:24
Medical Miracle: Calorie Reduction and Exercise Lead to Weight Loss
In news celebrated by medical practitioners across the nation but likely to be found disturbing to the country's legion of celebrity weight-loss gurus, it has been announced that Corporate Web Designer Mark Rutherford has lost 27 pounds over 12 months by simply cutting his calorie consumption and increasing his daily exercise routine. Mr. Rutherford decided to follow unorthodox diet after ballooning from 180 pounds to 229 pounds within just 9 months of graduating from college and adopting the sedentary work schedule of the corporate environment.
Feb 6, 2006, 14:15
Care Bear Doesn't Give a Damn
Recently after helping a little girl on the fringes of apathy I got into my cloud car and was beginning my ascent up towards my cloud home world to call it a day. Perhaps its my fault for having leveled off briefly at 7 to 8 feet above ground before beginning my ascent, but what should greet my cloud car head-on but the windshield of the mother of that once borderline apathetic little girl in her jacked up gas guzzling oversized pregnant station wagon of a Ford Excursion.
Feb 5, 2006, 23:40
Al Qaeda Vows to Bomb Superbowl (if Seahawks Win)
After reviewing recent threats issued by representatives claiming to act on behalf of Al Qaeda, the Whitehouse in conjunction with the NSA and FBI have determined that is a credible threat. Al Quaida has made a �credible threat� that they will bomb Ford Stadium in Detroit, Illinois immediately following the game, but only if the Pittsburgh Steelers are not victorious.
Feb 4, 2006, 18:41
Teacher Sues Catholic School for Anti-Satanism
NEW YORK -- The New York Civil Liberties Union for People Who are Wronged by Right Wing Wackos has filed a federal discrimination complaint against the �Our Blessed Lady of the Whack Upside the Head with a Damn Big Ruler Catholic School and Religious Breeding� ground, charging that it unjustly fired an unmarried teacher for being pregnant and an unholy vessel of evil.. oh, and she smells.
Feb 4, 2006, 02:07
Fox Accuses Aesop of False Fable
London, England -- The Fox from Aesop�s fable has come forward stating that he was misrepresented in the well renowned fable. At a press conference yesterday he told the public that he is very upset and would like to clear his name of the bad image he�s been given. �Aesop is full of crap,� he told reporters. �I may have been jumping or stretching around some grapes in that vineyard because that�s my usual workout spot, but I never tried to actually grab any of them at all, that would be preposterous.� Fox further stated, �I mean, have you ever seen a fox eating grapes? I rest my case.�
Feb 2, 2006, 18:30
'Family Night' Disappoints Once Again
For the Little River Bay, WI, Hogstedder family, Family Night is considered a sacred slice of time during which each family member can express themselves openly in an atmosphere of sharing and caring. But will it lead to happiness and unity? Read on.
Feb 1, 2006, 14:00
Die Fluffy Die
Fluffy, a three year old Pomeranian with a congenital heart condition, has been on life support at the Green Hills Animal Hospital for sixteen days, but some are questioning how much longer the dog�s life should be artificially supported. End of life care for animals is addressed in most compelling story.
Dec 22, 2005, 10:44
"Human Noodle Soup" May Help Birds Survive Avian Flu
Lancaster, Ca.- When humans get the flu they often turn to good old chicken soup to find relief, but to date there has been little to offer birds to alleviate their suffering. As you are probably aware, a bird flu epidemic is in full swing and has killed millions and continues to kill millions of our feathered friends. Scientists have been experimenting with vaccines and medicines to help treat and prevent bird flu, but so far nothing looks promising.
One local veterinary research company, however, has found success with a very unusual yet at the same time logical remedy- human noodle soup. Dr. Kazslo Kovacs of the Lancaster based Avian Solutions has been doing research with the soup for several months now and is excited about the results.
Nov 10, 2005, 10:26
Urban Address Bragged About
LOS ANGELES - Friends of area resident Jake Nanus reported that Nanus bragged heartily about his new Los Angeles, CA address Saturday.
Jake Nanus' New Home
Nanus, 21, a lifelong resident of various southern California suburbs, recently moved to what he allegedly described as "The City." The move began an era of Nanus' life marked by great pride in the penning of his mailing address on many forms, as well as a daily 70-minute work commute back to Diamond Bar, his former city of residence.
Oct 11, 2005, 16:53
President Bush Declassifies Leonard Parts 1-5
WASHINGTON, DC- President Bush announced at a press conference Monday that Leonard Parts 1-5, previously unreleased due to sensitive security information,
will soon hit theatres across the country.
"The country has waited a long time for these films, and I believe that at some point we must look to quality comedy over security," Bush said.
Bill Cosby, actor and writer of the classified films, appeared terrrifed by the decision.
Oct 6, 2005, 19:44
Vonage Makes Me Shake (in) My Booty(s)
You'd have to be even younger and less tech saavy than me to not know about Vonage, but as a bit of a newcomer to it myself, I figured I'd give you benefits of doubts and just tell you how much it rocks, which as it runs out is quite a lot.
It's not like we disliked Verizon, they were a good company for us. Reliable, consistent, fully loaded with all the traditional services you'd expect from a telephone company, but all the prices like it too.
Sep 28, 2005, 12:22
Satirist Struggles to Find New Olsen Twins Story
Springfield-- Brian K. White, noted contemporary humorist and satirist has been struggling for weeks to find a new angle from which to mock Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. "I've been read by millions," explains White, "but I've been drawing a blank on those disappointing little girls. I don't think I've lost my edge, I just fear it's all been done."
At right you can see one of the very few remaining angles from which the twins have not been covered... or would that be uncovered?
Sep 25, 2005, 06:02
Olsen Twins Hospitalized with Eating Each Other Disorder
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have been checked into the Guccioni Medical Center for close observation and possible exploitation of the eating disorder, SICD (Sappho-Incestual Compulsive Disorder). Millions of concerned men around the world are on their knees, praying that the cure won't be found until extensive research videotaping is complete.
Sep 19, 2005, 21:28
Tom Cruise: "I am Douchebag, Hear Me Babble"
You all should listen to me. You need to listen to me. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do. I've studied it. I don't mean to brag but I took an I.Q. test a couple months back. And I got an "A". And it wasn't a low "A" either, I mean the score they gave back to me was way up there in the high nineties. I'm talking big double digits so you all need to listen to me. Its like I was saying to Lauer.
Sep 1, 2005, 15:53
Missing Sock, Girlfriend Found Rotting Under House
Waukegan gas station attendant Peter Freble reported yesterday finding a paisley sock, missing sonce 1975, along with the body of his former girlfriend, Melinda Florechild, who had been missing since 1976.
Aug 29, 2005, 09:30
Robert Frost Estate Faces Lawsuit for Reckless Rhymes
A class action lawsuit against the estate of poet Robert Frost began today, amid a whirlwind of controversy surrounding alleged hedonistic and debauched messages in several of his poetry works.
Aug 25, 2005, 05:00
Nikon Made Big Change, Sents; Short
I'm no master spellsmith nor senior headline craftsmaster, but I do know is that "sense/cents" is a double entendre, though mostly when spoken aloud. headline, however disastrously misspelled as it may be has got even more entendres than that.
Jul 14, 2005, 04:00
Jackson Fans Duped In Ingenious "Not Guilty" Prank
SANTA MARIA, CA - The crowd of Michael Jackson supporters camped outside the Santa Maria Main Courthouse and his worldwide fan base were brilliantly fooled into thinking Jackson had been acquitted of all charges on his 12-count indictment afternoon. In a joint effort between courthouse audio technicians and several key media screeners, a fake verdict reading was produced somewhere between the actual reading and the loudspeakers outside the building.
Jul 9, 2005, 15:46
Independence Day Boners
Break out the hamburgers, M-80's and butterfly bandages! It's the 4th of July, and Americans everywhere are celebrating independence and emergency medical treatment. Check out our handy guide to see all the top ways in which our survey respondents celebrate the magic day of Injun oppression.
Jul 3, 2005, 20:22
Tom Cruise Bigger Douchebag than Screaming Queers
Despite competition from anemic, pasty-white men dressed in day-glow latex hot pants and yellow platform lumberjack boots, Tom Cruise surpassed the entire world population of parading homos on Sunday as the Most Ridiculous Human Spectacle on Earth. Yes America, Tom Cruise is a bigger douchebag than latex cowboy queers.
Jul 2, 2005, 18:40
Uzbek Refugee Flees Towards Kyrgyzstan, No Clue Where He Is
I have no frigging idea where I am. No clue. I'm part of a 400 person refugee line and some guy just told me that he should be at the front of the line leading the way because he's the great descendant of Ulugbek. I said "Oh. That prick" told him to eat outta my butt and pushed his sorry ass to the back of the line.
Jun 30, 2005, 02:45
Fileswapping Crackdown Revives BMG Fraud
In the late 1990s, illegal file-sharing of copyright protected music files was rampant. The actions of the RIAA as facilitated by the Patriot Act allowed for file-swapping terrorists to be brought to justice. Thus, in recent years, free music has been forced to take a new turn down an old road.
Jun 29, 2005, 12:04
Verizon Wireless Guy Found Dead
Cummingsville, N.Y. � The Verizon Wireless "Can you hear me now?" guy was found dead today along a roadside in upstate New York. Cause of death is apparently injury from 72 stab wounds to the neck and abdomen and 18 gunshot wounds to the head and chest. As of Tuesday, police had millions of suspects but had not ruled out suicide or accidental death.
Jun 28, 2005, 15:33
Social Security Poor-a-scopes
At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we'd like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you'll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security pooroscopes.
Jun 14, 2005, 23:24
New Super-Potency Pill, Inflexa, Unleashed
Does your man like Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis? If so, then he is one big poosay, because he obviously isn�t man enough to take the latest and greatest in ED medications, Inflexa. Inflexa, another Pfizer product, combines the best of rabbit staying power with the sturdiness of hardened steel. Finally, unlike other fake medications such as Enzyte, Inflexa includes a secret ingredient that makes erections up to 200% larger.
Jun 6, 2005, 01:01
School Bully Revealed to have Incredibly Teenie Weenie
Butch Jansen, senior and feared class bully at Hedgewood High School, lost all status yesterday when a ninth-grader saw his "thinger" in the gym locker room. The freshman, who wishes to remain anonymous "just in case," stated, "I asked him if the showers were cold, and he looked like he was gonna hit me." He then added, "I had no idea one could be that small. I mean, I've seen my little brother's, but come on, he's four!"
Jun 4, 2005, 08:38
Eminem Realizes He's White, Starts Playing Rock Music
Ultra-white rap star Eminem, famous for his misogynistic and extremely violent songs describing his crusade to destroy civilization, has finally come to the realization that he's a white guy. "Damn!" said one former fan. "That dude's almost as white as Michael Jackson!" His startling announcement came in an impromptu conference with his agent, Johnny Buzzme. (continued)
Jun 1, 2005, 08:00
NAACP Resents NCAA Confusion
In a public statement issued Thursday the Washington DC chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People formally renounced any mistaken identity associated with the National College Athletics Association, despite their many similarities.
May 27, 2005, 17:00
Lynndie England's Baby "Suspiciously Dark"
Private Lynndee England is not only the most famous embassador for America's benevolence, but perhaps the most noted darky-hater of the modern era. Now it's believed by many that her hatred of Middle Eastern men stems from something more sinister than mere American patriotism.
May 22, 2005, 11:15
Texas Cracks Down on Lewd Waitressing
"Hello, is table six. I am the unit assigned to table six. Please look through the menu. When ready state your order claim so that I might provide you with the items you order. Speak clearly and slowly so I can determine what you are ordering. Take your time. I shall stand here until you are ready", says Shelly Bidwell of TGI Fridays in Houston, in as monotone a voice she can muster, completely devoid of any sexual inference or chance at a good tip.
May 20, 2005, 07:28
Fan Club President: "God Wil Wheaton's a Douchebag"
Computer. Lock transporters onto Wil Wheaton and beam him into a wall. No better yet, lock transporters and beam him into space with a force field around him, lock phasers and photon torpedoes and open fire. Then lock transporters on the minuscule molecular remains of whatever is left and beam that into a wall. God I hate Wil Wheaton.
May 15, 2005, 19:58
"Hungry Man" Spurlock Tries Name Sake Diet, Dies
Morgan Spurlock, star and director of the Super Size Me film about a man living on McDonald's food for 30-days straight, died recently on the fourth day of his new movie in which he eats only Swanson Hungry Man food products. Spurlock, who began his Hungry Man diet at 185 lbs was approximately 448 lbs at the end of the third day just prior to his death.
May 13, 2005, 02:16
Man Who Masturbates to MTV Starting to Like the Music
Going blind isn't the only worry any more; read about one man who's music video-whacking has had a far worse side effect. "I realized I had a problem when I caught myself humming that 'la la la, la la la la la' part of that Kylie Minogue song [Can't Get You Out Of My Head]," Meyer said. I don't get much more commercial than the Flaming Lips."
May 12, 2005, 05:10
Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions
NASA is growing irritated at incomplete missions fouled by meddling do-gooder aliens returning humans to earth prematurely in the name of stellar safety. Alien abductions have been fabled for centuries with festive highlights ranging from anal probing to impregnation, with very little in between. Alien adductions, conversely, have been documented with increasing frequency.
May 4, 2005, 00:05
Solar System Like Ours May Contain Similar A-holes
WASHINGTON, D.C. After 15 years of searching the cosmos, astronomers announced last week the discovery of an extrasolar planet whose size, orbit, and distance from its star are akin to those of Jupiter, making the first solar system found that resembles our own in any significant way.
May 2, 2005, 00:02
Local Student Invents Self-Stimulation
WAYNE, NE � Dylan Blake, a 14-year-old student at Wayne High School allegedly discovered a way to induce sexual stimulation without the aid of a partner. "I can�t believe it! is the greatest thing ever! I�ll never need to have sex,� said Blake. Blake discovered �self-stimulation� in his anime poster-strewn bedroom Tuesday as he �thought about a sexy lady with big boobs.�
Apr 30, 2005, 09:33
Independent-Minded Loser Seeks Unique Way to Kill Self
PHOENIX� Ethan Sexson, a 16-year-old self-described �failure of a human being� who prides himself on his individuality, is planning to commit suicide as soon as he can work out an original way to carry it out. �I really consider myself my own man�I don't just accept things the way they are because everyone else does,� he explains. �And I'm not going to kill myself like everyone else does.�
Apr 28, 2005, 06:26
New USDA Food Pyramid Promises Options, Confusion
The USDA has been working for many years now to update their ancient and outmoded food pyramid, and without having even seen it I've got a version of my own ready to go. Just like with the old food pyramid, my own dietary triangle starts with a pointy summit of stuff you can't have a lot of.
Apr 26, 2005, 05:18
Tabloid Journalist Accused Of Truifying Stories
Weekly World News reporter Bruce Johnson may have submitted dozens of factually correct articles over the past eight years, violating the tabloid�s strict falsification policy, causing a tremor of outrage amongst tabloid publications worldwide.
Apr 23, 2005, 03:30
Pope Boldly Chooses Breakfast-Inspired Name
On Monday, German Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was chosen as papal successor to the much loved John Paul II (1920-2005). Left with a pair of large shoes to fill (John Paul II was a Shaq-sized 17), the new pope quickly moved in a bold new direction, choosing a breakfast-inspired name to wear while in office: Pope Benedict XVI.
Apr 21, 2005, 07:57
Cool IMAX Tech. Wasted on Lame Ed. Films
The IMAX corporation has been wasting its wickedly cool film technology, boasting towering 8-story screens, on lame educational films for 35 years, sources reported Friday. Although no spokesperson from IMAX was available for comment, reporters confirmed that IMAX has indeed spent the past quarter of a century lending its totally bitching 70mm film format to "lame-ass, boring-as-hell informative turds."
Apr 19, 2005, 18:27
Don King to be Elected to Papacy
Vatican City - After a brief papal conclave, it was announced today that boxing promoter Don King will be the next pope. �I think it is very good that we have a black pope,� said 72 year old Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria. � shows that the Church is truly and international body, and that the Church of Africa has come into its own. However, I wish that he would pick a new name.
Apr 17, 2005, 03:37
Hot Soccer Uniforms Promise U.S. Interest in Tepid Sport
Soccer, long considered the game of little girls and college athletes who can't get scholarships for a "real sport" makes a lobby once more to break into the American market. time it's not aimed at corporate ownership or potential network affiliates, but rather straight to the fans. The STRAIGHT male fans, to be quite specific.
Apr 16, 2005, 11:00
Human Genome Cliff's Notes Available
Following the successful sequencing of the human genome and the some 4900 subsequent articles a condensed 32-volume reference is now in stores everywhere.
Apr 15, 2005, 14:51
Viagra Adopts White Rabbit as Jingle - "Feed Your Head"
Pfizer has released their newest series of commercials for the highly popular erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra. During a New York Yankees game last week Pfizer debuted their new commercial. The new advertising campaign abandons their previous approach of "Blue pill makes pappy happy," in favor of their more direct demographic approach.
Apr 14, 2005, 12:12
ACLU Sues County for Obeying 10-Commandments
CRESCENT CITY, CA - An official ACLU press release reported that Del Norte County was guilty of compliance with seven of the Ten Commandments, including the third, sixth, and seventh Commandments, which forbid murder, adultery, and misuse of the Lord's name.
Apr 13, 2005, 06:20
Study: Green Monkey Semen "Not Good for You"
A research team at John Hopkins released a report on Tuesday showing that despite popular belief, it is not safe to ingest the semen of the West African green monkey. "For years now people have thought that West African green monkey semen would improve both your skin and dexterity," said research group leader, Dr. Julian Agore, "but that just an old wives tale."
Apr 11, 2005, 07:16
Barry Bonds Thanks Media for Knee Injury
After three knee surgeries in three months, noted steroidphile Barry "Shut the F Up" Bonds has accosted the gritty media for their obvious causal role in creating his physical injury. Barry Bonds, the one player on pace to break the Major League Baseball all-time homerun record, has hammered his way to fame in past years on a pace akin to the swelling of his head, both literally and egotistically.
Apr 9, 2005, 19:15
Goth Expresses Individuality; Dresses Like Other Goths
KLAMATH FALLS, OR - Local Goth Sara Weaver shocked onlookers in a daring expression of individuality Thursday as she arrived for classes at Klamath Falls South High School dressed like the 49 other gothic students currently enrolled at the school.
Apr 8, 2005, 12:40
Chess Club Rallies Behind Abstinence Ed. Program
BEATTY, NV - Diverging from the position of most other student organizations, the Beatty High School Chess Club announced its solidarity with the school's new abstinence education initiative Friday, making the Chess Club the only group apart from the Southern Nevada World of Warcraft Society Beatty Chapter to formally declare support for the controversial program.
Apr 7, 2005, 05:42
Britney's Bare Breasts Explode Heads of 2,590 Males
Pop singer Britney Spears' breasts are at the center of an unprecedented event in the world of live performance: mammary-induced skull explosions.
Apr 6, 2005, 09:10
Pontiff Remembered with "Best of Pope" Tribute
Admittedly, Glossy News has been hard on the pope over the years. Indeed, the resolve of our papal mockery is likely rivaled only by the Vatican's determination to deny responsibility and overlook reality. But it's in the spirit of rememberence we pay homage to , the only pope most any of us have ever known. (Click any headline to read a complete article.)
Apr 4, 2005, 12:15
Time-Warner Acquires Tony Hawk
In a hostile bid that's been underway for several months, Time-Warner has successfully completed a hostile bid to purchase skateboard star Tony Hawk for $216Million in cash and an undisclosed amount of stock.
Apr 3, 2005, 03:29
Easter Beheading Brings Humpty Disappointment
With no warning whatsoever, the Easter Bunny broke in to our home yesterday just before dawn. Slipping past all our defenses, completely undetected by any of our home security, he left us toys and candy, and that's just the setup for joke.
Apr 2, 2005, 02:38
AOL Sells 36% Share in Nigerian Government
AOL/Time-Warner have long sought a wide variety of investment and market opportunities to bolster and diversify their investment portfolio. Much as Paul Allen bought, and later sold his stake in AOL, AOL has found to be the right time to divest their controlling interest in the Nigerian national government.
Mar 31, 2005, 22:27
J-Lo's Ass to Secede From the Union
After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo's ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez. If you see a two-ton mass of quivering booty on the horizon, stand back...there's always room for JaLL-O!
Mar 30, 2005, 09:02
BenGay Fails to Appeal to Straight Demographic
BenGay has long been the 'deep heating rub' of choice for athletes and arthritics alike, but in recent years a new marketing problem has arisen. "Straight people won't buy it any more," says Bruce Heywood, a spokesman for BenGay, and he asks, "What's the deal?"
Mar 29, 2005, 11:06
Bam and Me Got World's Best Jobs
If you know Bam Margera or have seen his show, Viva la Bam, you can appreciate what a rich life one gets by goofing around with friends and family as a profession.
Mar 28, 2005, 15:36
Teen Discovers Led Zeppelin; Parents: "Jesus, Stop!"
ST. LOUIS� Having discovered classic rock radio six months ago, 15-year-old Paul Chambers has begun to purchase and listen to Led Zeppelin almost exclusively, much to the annoyance of his parents. Is your little rocker suddenly thinking "classic rock" is cool? Did he just put a black light and Jimmy Page poster in his room? Stop him. He's gotta whole lot of stupid.
Mar 27, 2005, 07:31
Munching Rug Don't Make Me a Lesbian
I maintain some questionable lifestyle choices, perhaps, but ain't one of them. Licking carpet is just an oral fixation, not some kind of indication of party affiliation. Hey, it ain't even that kind of party.
Mar 25, 2005, 03:42
How to Avoid Po-lice, as Well as F'ing Cops
At Glossy News, we're all about helping our readers, even those who are drug users, street thugs and otherwise of the criminal persuasion. It's with warm spirit of giving that we present our special report today, "How to Avoid Cops", a hand list of helpful items for those in trouble and in doubt.
Mar 23, 2005, 06:15
Osama bin Laden Spotted at Disneyland Resort
Terrorist �mastermind� and all-around douchebag Osama bin Laden was spotted yesterday at the Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California. Seemingly unfazed by the attention he was drawing, Osama rode every ride in Fantasyland, including King Arthur�s Carousel and Snow White�s Scary Adventure. He spent most of his day in Fantasy Land, with quick side-trips to Toontown in an apparent attempt to get Mickey Mouse to sign the back of his hand.
Mar 22, 2005, 15:15
White House Correspondent Found in Jeff Gannon�s Sphincter
�It�s a Gerbil� diagnosed medical investigations specialist Dr. Regnum earlier today. The gerbil, or �Michael Dillwalo� as he had once been known to the press community was discovered today to be leading a double life from inside Jeff Gannon�s rectum. shocking news ironically comes on the backside of the already outed James Guckert, who himself was revealed recently to be operating inside the press corps under the false name Jeff Gannon, is further under investigation for tax evasion, and is also a gay male prostitute.
Mar 20, 2005, 17:39
Monster Garage Turns Bug to Jungle Gym
Discovery Channel's Jesse James is my favorite bandit of the new west. He robs cars of their past identity and six-shoots them in to a new life of street-illegal varmentry, but now it's my turn.
Mar 19, 2005, 03:44
Oktoberfest Preparations in Tel Aviv Fall Flat
Tel Aviv, Israel - Preparations for the world�s second biggest party (after Carivale/Mardi Gras), Oktoberfest, are under way all over the world, but in Tel Aviv, they seem to have fallen flat. Residents are not excited about the festivities, and in fact, many are openly hostile toward the event promoters. Rumors abound that it has something to do with some kind of �holocaust,� but these have yet to be substantiated.
Mar 18, 2005, 08:58
Vatican Introduces the Book Burning Mobile
In an attempt to pick up where they left off hundreds of years ago, the Vatican has introduced a new concept: the Book Burning Mobile. They had observed the success of the Book Mobile for years now, and, eager to plunder its rewards, have started their own counter-mobile dedicated to the burning of books that run counter to Church doctrine.
Mar 17, 2005, 21:37
New Spyware Spies on Other Spyware
There�s a new piece of spyware out there that you, our faithful readers should be aware of. It�s going by the name MoveOver.M32, and it is every bit as insidious as an Internet worm, with similar aims to common spyware. But spyware is no common spyware. No, spyware spies on other spyware. It reports back what other spyware is reporting. Anti-spyware collaborators such as Ad-Aware and Spybot Search & Destroy are scrambling to meet new threat.
Mar 16, 2005, 14:39
Michael Jackson Fondles Tigger at Disneyland
Michael Jackson, the ersatz �King of Pop� solidified his position as the King of Perversion today when he was spotted fondling a Disneyland cast member dressed up as �Tigger� from Winnie the Pooh. Said Jackson, �I wasn�t fondling the cast member, I was just caressing the beautiful suit she was wearing. In fact, if I�d known ahead of time that it was a �she� wearing the suit, I probably wouldn�t have fondled it at all.�
Mar 15, 2005, 21:23
The War on Terror in Haiku
Many people have sought to capture the War on Terror in various mediums of film, television, and literature. But until now, none have attempted to do it in the specialized sub-medium of haiku. I present to you now (in Westernized haiku form), the War on Terror, in haiku.
Mar 14, 2005, 02:35
Man, 30, Goes on "It's a Small World" Killing Spree
�It�s a world of laughter, a world of tears, it�s a world of hope and a world of fears, there�s so much that we share that it�s time we�re aware it�s a small world after all! It�s a small world after all! It�s a small world after all! It�s a small world after all! It�s a small, small, world!� Thus pealed the cries of Kevin Bogart, 30, of Santa Monica, California, as he went on a killing spree inspired by Disneyland�s �It�s a Small World� attraction.
Mar 13, 2005, 13:18
Animals Sexually Harass Humans
Woodside, Calif. - Nancy Alperin and Kendra Keller, both of San Francisco, claim they were pressured to expose their breasts to Koko, the world famous sign-language speaking gorilla, in order to indulge the female gorilla�s �nipple fetish.� The pair is seeking upwards of $1 million from the Gorilla Foundation and its founder, Francine "Penny" Patterson, the longtime trainer of the well-known gorilla. Some people are saying that seems a bit excessive, and also a bit strange, though it calls into the open the old axiom, �Where does a 500 pound gorilla look at breasts? Wherever she wants to.�
Mar 12, 2005, 13:36
Marxist Toy-Share Met by Three Opponents
Resources around the house remain limited, so our tribal elders had to institute a rigid Marxist toy-share program. With fully three opponents, it's been 100% rejected by all of us as patently unfair.
Mar 12, 2005, 03:38
Dr. Phil Releases New Self Help Book: "I Just Don't Give a Damn Anymore"
Dr. Phil McGraw today released his latest self help book, entitled, �I Just Don�t Give a Damn Anymore.� Apparently a cry for help, Dr. Phil�s book is a list of over one thousand things that he just doesn�t give a damn about anymore � money not being one of them. It seems that Dr. Phil is fed up with people�s �trivial pansy-assed little problems� and wants to �deal with some real problems for a change.�
Mar 11, 2005, 15:48
Three-footer Hosts 'Think Big' Seminar
If you're little or just think you are, it's time for you to break out and think big. ground-quaking seminar, hosted by small-statured big thinker Brendan Alexander, is here to help.
Mar 10, 2005, 15:28
Bush to Declare War on Poland: Names Just Too Difficult to Pronounce
In a toddler-like fit if ire today, President George W. Bush declared war on our one-time ally, Poland, citing, �Those names are just too damn difficult to pronounce.� Admittedly, Polish names are unusual in their pronunciation (at least when compared to an English speaker), but journalist wonders if that was really a justification for war, or a cheap trick to fool the American people.
Mar 9, 2005, 08:33
Roamin' Bathhouse Disappointing, Disgusting
I've studied Roman history extensively* in anticipation of history repeating itself, but some parts of it seem best forgotten. One part in poignant specificity is the infamous legacy of bath houses.
Mar 8, 2005, 23:32
George W. Bush to Release "Gangsta Rap" Album
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today that President George W. Bush is set to release a hard-core �gangsta rap� album in May of 2005. The album, titled, �Because I�m the President,� is set to score big with urban youths and suburban wannabes. Songs include, �Iraq, You My Bitch Now,� and �Bust a Cap in Osama�s Ass.� It is anticipated to reach a wide variety of rap listeners and also educate them on the President�s current agenda.
Mar 8, 2005, 14:19
Man Sells Own Testicles on eBay
Lawrence Uzbek is not a happy man. Recently divorced, he�s making an outrageous alimony payment, child support, and paying legal fees. He is the party that instigated the divorce, but only after it came to pass that he discovered that during an away game, his wife had slept with the entire Los Angeles Lakers basketball team (Kobe Bryant three times). Naturally annoyed, he demanded a divorce, expecting some kind of retribution. But, being California, it was not to be. His wife de-balled him in court, leaving him with nothing but payments and broken dreams.
Mar 8, 2005, 07:35
Smokey the Bear Uneasy Over New Partnership with Burny McBurn Burn
In day and age of political correctness Ralph Wendelin and his supporters are hailing the addition of the cartoon character "Burny McBurn Burn" to "Smokey the Bear's" anti-forest fire platform. "For far too long forest fires, and fires in general have received a bad wrap and Burny is here to set things right, while setting the critics,and the kiddies alight!" chuckles Ralph Wendelin, head of the Public Relations for the US Forestry Service. But not everyone agrees with the decision to market Burny alongside the legendary Smokey, and one of them is none other than Smokey himself.
Mar 6, 2005, 10:16
California GOP Changes Rule to Back Schwarzenegger
Though Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-Cal.) has not yet discussed reelection, the California Republic Party has changed a party rule and publicly endorsed him a full sixteen months before the 2006 gubernatorial primary. �The Democratic Party has already made a similar rule change to field candidates for office,� said Karen Hanretty, a party spokeswoman. �To remain competitive, the party had to make necessary, one-time rule change.�
Mar 5, 2005, 13:53
Ice Skater Mistimes Jump, Shoves Skate Up Ass
Sixteen-year-old Deborah Wilson is recovering in St. John�s Hospital today after suffering an ice skating injury that left her with an ice skate hanging out of her ass. Halfway through her two-minute performance, Ms. Wilson attempted a triple axel, but mistimed the landing, bending her leg in a horrific manner than ended up shoving her right ice skate right up her firm little ass.
Mar 4, 2005, 09:26
Pope to Be Replaced by Robo-Pope
Vatican City - By early 2007, the Roman Catholic Church is anticipating that it will be led no longer by a fallible human pope, but rather by a machine they have dubbed, �Robo-Pope.� Robo-Pope will be capable of six trillion theocratic calculations per second, and will justly dole out forgiveness to those deemed worthy of his divine touch. Robo-Pope is expected to cost just six million dollars, roughly the price of one jewel from the Pope�s hat.
Mar 3, 2005, 15:02
Americans Not the Only Idiots
Tokyo, Japan - A recent study suggests that American schoolchildren are not the only ones in the world being raised with a level of idiocy approaching that of an intelligent snail. Japan, long held to such high standards of scholastic perfection, is also a culprit. The Association of Japanese Geographers says that only about 40% of Japanese university students can find Iraq on a map, and 3% cannot locate the United States � Japan�s key ally � despite the fact that it�s one of the biggest friggin� countries in the world.
Mar 2, 2005, 03:53
Rich Like Me
The other day I was driving my new Range Rover. I pulled up to my favorite boutique and found a spot right next to a homeless person. He looked at me and said, "Nice car, man." Suddenly, I realized the terrible burden of being rich like me.
Mar 1, 2005, 20:21
"The Gates" Expected to Draw Up to 400,000 Snobs
Beginning Saturday, New York�s Central Park�s 23 miles of footpaths will be covered in 7,500 �gates� draped in saffron-colored cloth, in an �art� exhibition by Christo and Jeanne-Claude, the same men who ten years ago wrapped the Reichstag in silver fabric to much critical acclaim. �The Gates,� as it is to be known, will last sixteen days and is expected to draw approximately 400,000 (idiot) tourists to the city to see the �work of art.�
Feb 28, 2005, 14:11
Utah Declares Theocracy, Invades Colorado
Salt Lake City, Utah - Today was a busy day for Utah. By 11am local time, the constitutional democracy had been dissolved to make room for a Mormon theocratic government, the state had seceded from the Union, and tanks were rolling down I-70 toward Grand Junction, Colorado. Meanwhile, Interstates-15 and �80 had been sealed at the border. Today was a grand day in Salt Lake City as they declared war on the �heathens� of Colorado.
Feb 28, 2005, 09:16
Stars Turn Out for the Gloscars
Hollywood, Calif. - Tonight the biggest names in the movie industry will turn out to kiss one another�s ass and suck up to the next big producer. We here at Glossy News have long been involved in process, producing the Gloscars since 1968. The Gloscars recognize best performances given by actors and actresses within a given year.
Feb 27, 2005, 12:36
Village Idiot Demands Job Back; Bush Refuses to Step Down
Washington, D.C. - Clem Clayborne, who in 1998 was officially designated by President Clinton as America�s Village Idiot, is demanding to be reinstated into his old post. He was forced out of the position when President George W. Bush was voted into office in 2000. Clayborne insists that while he may indeed be brighter than the current president, the position of Village Idiot is rightfully his by Presidential Appointment.
Feb 27, 2005, 10:15
Foundation for a Better Life Caught Selling Drugs
Members of The Foundation for a Better Life, that do-good group that makes you puke whenever you see their commercials, were caught selling crack and crystal meth to schoolchildren in suburban Philadelphia early yesterday afternoon. The search was quickly expanded, headquarters were raided, and the sale of drugs proved to be endemic to the foundation.
Feb 26, 2005, 09:24
Tsunami Does Some Good for a Change
Off the coast of India, near the ancient seaside town of Mahabalipuram (30 miles south of Madras), the ruins of ancient temples have been uncovered by the power of �Indiana� Tsunami. The heavily sloshing waters washed away sand deposits that had covered what are believed to be part of the fabled �seven pagodas.� Mahabalipuram, which was already well known for its shoreline temples, has already been declared a World Heritage site by whoever it is that makes declarations like that. Archaeologists around the world, none of them nearly as cool as Indiana Jones, are already in the throws of wet dreams thinking of the chance to excavate the site.
Feb 25, 2005, 15:04
FBI Confines Missing Person Search to Strip Clubs, Hooters
Sometime in the middle of the night of October 13 � 14, 2004, eight-year-old Molly Sanders was abducted from her Clairmont Mesa, California home by her birthmother, a crack addict named Penelope Dushlu. Molly had been living with her father and adoptive stepmother for the past ten years of her life. An Amber alert was immediately issued for the little girl, and the FBI was brought in to assist local authorities due to Dushlu�s past acquaintance with a wanted drug lord.
Feb 25, 2005, 09:01
Iranian Explosion Ignites Fears of Attack
Tehran, Iran (Axis of Evil) - An explosion near the southwestern port city of Deylam, about 110 miles from the Bushehr nuclear facility was reported today by numerous Iranians who apparently had no freaking idea what was going on. Government explanations ranged from a construction accident to friendly fire in a nearby military area. Said one aide who asked not to be identified (Ali Imam Mohammad, the turbaned bastard), �We really don�t know what the [expletive deleted] is going on down there. We just all [expletive deleted] our pants because we thought it was the precursor to an American invasion. Thank Allah that doesn�t appear to be the case.�
Feb 24, 2005, 14:50
New Intelligence Chief Selected
Washington, D.C. - Following an exhaustive nine-week long search, President George W. Bush has selected a new intelligence chief who will take over the both the duties of the newly created position and those of Jiminy Cricket, who recently vacated his position as President Bush�s conscience. Appropriately coming off of a stint as the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, John Negroponte was a former U.N. ambassador, and has in fact been mooching off of the American people for the better part of forty years.
Feb 24, 2005, 09:27
Wilford Brimley Goes on Five State Killing Spree
Aged and infirm superstar to the geriatric Wilford A. Brimley was apprehended today after a five state killing spree that left nineteen civilians and six officers dead. Brimley was taken alive in Chickasha, Okla., after a six-hour gun battle with local deputies and FBI counterterrorism units. Brimley, who is the spokesperson for Liberty Medical, was reportedly hopped up on a wide range of hallucinogenic drugs ranging from PCP to LSD and crystal meth.
Feb 23, 2005, 15:20
Injure Yourself to a Healthier You
Naples, Fla. - A blow to the head with an empty beer bottle may have saved the life of 64-year-old Sally Hampton. Doctors examining her following the barroom attack found a previously undiscovered brain tumor that could have killed her. The tumor was quickly removed, and Hampton is fully recovered. �I never thought being beaten about the head with a beer bottle could be such a blessing,� said Hampton. With rising health care costs around the country, others are likewise turning to unusual method of diagnosis.
Feb 23, 2005, 07:22
Everquest-Lover Transitions to Evercrack, Suffers Everdose
Andrew Marks, a level 2 human with slightly above average intelligence, but sharply below average charisma, strength, dexterity, and any chance of getting laid by a girl sat limply in his chair when his mother found him. His level 62 character with near godly stats stood on the monitor checking his fake watch, mocking Andrew for not having taken any action for several minutes now. Andrew�s mother promptly rebooted the computer and removed Andrew�s hand from the mouse as if it were never to be clicked again. The game�s progress since Andrew had last logged in was not saved. He had everdosed on Evercrack.
Feb 22, 2005, 12:47
Advertising Gone Too Far
Yesterday, an Omaha, Nebraska man, web-page designer Andrew Fischer, 20, auctioned off his forehead for $37,375 to be used as advertising space for one month by the anti-snoring remedy SnoreStop. �I look forward to an enjoyable association with Andrew � a man who clearly has a head for business in every sense of the word,� SnoreStop CEO Christian de Rivel said.
Feb 22, 2005, 06:42
Makers of "Depends" Admit Product was Prank, Gag
Roswell, GA - Kimberly-Clark, held a press conference morning in a surprise move to ostensibly thwart revenue, but more so to set the record straight. Apparently the product was "supposed to be a prank, but it's turned out to be a literal gag." Adding, "I mean it, my lunch is literally percolating up into my throat just talking about it." Rumor has long held that Depends adult diapers has always been a gag gift, but latest revelation has taken it a step further in admitting it's both a gag and a gag.
Feb 21, 2005, 14:35
AARP Advocates Marijuana Use
The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group�s campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Lucky Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, February 25-27. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener.
Feb 21, 2005, 10:12
Prime Minister Ayad Allawi Misinterprets Baath Ban
"No showers either", a determined Allawi stated to the embattled Iraq nation in an impromptu press conference yesterday. Allawi�s address has sent cleanliness shock waves through Iraq, with citizens throughout hurrying into their baths and showers for one final act of cleanliness before the ban. Allawi�who has been in constant contact with Bush Administration Policy officials�it was revealed earlier today, misinterpreted a recent memo from the administration explaining that Allawi might wish to warn Iraqis towards "Proceeding with caution in regards to a Baath ban."
Feb 20, 2005, 09:54
Joint House Session Fails to Explore Roach Clips, Zig-zags
Damon Guilfuyle is a high school senior in Green Pond, New Jersey. He's active in snow boarding, DARE and junior politics. It's very combination which has led him to serious doubts in the latest joint hearing and their failure to explore the majority of "joint" periphery, not to mention paraphanalia.
Feb 19, 2005, 06:41
Alanis Morissette Becomes US Citizen; US Doesn't Want Her
Los Angeles, Cal. - Vocalist/Songwriter Alanis Morissette is now, regrettably, an American citizen. Though officials at the State Department fought tooth and nail to keep the screeching crooner from becoming a citizen, the fight was lost, as there was simply nothing they could legally do to prevent her citizenship from taking place.
Feb 18, 2005, 14:27
U.S. Army Women's Mud-Wrestling Team Tours Iraq
Baghdad, Iraq - The 2005 U.S. Army Women�s Mud-Wrestling Team has begun its whirlwind tour of Iraq and the Middle East, promoting women�s issues wherever they go. At one local stop at the Camp Bucca detention center in Iraq, several photographs show women wrestling in bras and panties in front of a drooling crowd of male soldiers. Then Specialist Deanna Allen, 19, went the extra mile for troop morale and exposed her bare breasts to the crowd. It�s dedication like that convinces me that we will win the war on terror. It�s only a matter of time.
Feb 18, 2005, 10:24
Elvis Found Leading Iraqi Insurgency
The leader of the Iraqi insurgency has been found, and his name is Elvis Presley. That�s right, the King is leading anti-American forces against the Coalition of the Willing in the Middle East and supporting terrorist activities elsewhere around the world. Thought to be dead of heart failure on August 16, 1977, Elvis had actually simply fooled the world and made a clean escape to the Middle East, where he set himself up as a mid-level mullah in the Afghan Taliban regime.
Feb 17, 2005, 14:47
Howard Dean Writes Tell-All Book: Also Juiced
Howard Dean�s long awaited tell-all book: Also Juiced: Rampant �Roids, HGH, Wild Times, Freaky Sex is scheduled for release March 7th. Published by Regan Books, who published the similar, Jose Canseco-penned book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, Also Juiced is expected to sell more copies and reach a larger audience.
Feb 17, 2005, 08:24
Air Force to Ground Older Aircraft
Washington, D.C. - The Air Force said Friday it is grounding 30 of its oldest C-130 cargo planes and putting flight restrictions on 60 others after discovering unexpectedly severe wing cracks. Standard severe wing cracks were to be expected, but completely nonexistent wings and holes the size of the wound suffered by the Space Shuttle Columbia when a piece of the external tank�s insulating foam hit its leading edge were extraordinary. The President, being a pilot himself, quickly declared these aircraft �unflyalable� and dangerous to aircrews.
Feb 16, 2005, 14:45
Blondes Have More Sex, Not Fun
In a groundbreaking study recently published by the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins, scientists have discovered that while blondes have nearly 380% more sex (of all kinds) than other color haired people, they do not, in fact, have more fun. In fact, they do not even have more sexual fun, achieving orgasm in a statistical dead heat with brunettes, redheads, and even Goth and punk dye jobs. is a myth, however, that blondes are loathe to give up.
Feb 16, 2005, 09:44
Prosecutors Go Soft on Crime
Boston, Mass. - A prosecutor for five teenagers arrested on charges ranging from throwing snowballs and bottles to indecent exposure during the New England Patriots� victory parade has offered them a deal: if they read a book and write a report about a youth growing up in Boston amid drugs and desperation, he�ll drop the charges. There are two disturbing actions growing out of bargain � one, that a sixteen year old girl could be arrested for indecent exposure (when I was sixteen, none of the girls had anything to indecently expose!), and two, that other prosecutors around the country are grabbing hold of novel approach to discipline and running with it.
Feb 15, 2005, 14:39
Opening to be Filled in Axis of Evil
With elections having taken place on January 30th, most people are considering Iraq effectively �pacified,� despite continuing insurgent attacks. It is generally agreed that they are no longer part George W. Bush�s �Axis of Evil,� as they no longer have the capability of causing vast amounts of harm to their neighbors or their own population. As such, an opening has occurred in the Axis of Evil (whose other members remain Iran and a newly nuclear North Korea). Many countries, such as Syria and Sudan are clamoring for the opportunity to join elite club.
Feb 15, 2005, 08:25
Valentine's Day Can Just Shove It
Valentine�s Day can shove it, as far as I�m concerned. Where, oh where, dear Cupid, you fat little bastard, is my heart�s desire? Where is the woman for me to love? You were supposed to deliver her, you naked little cherubic [expletive deleted]! Nine years ago, I had a woman, and we were to be married � but you couldn�t let that one go, could you, you little [expletive deleted]?! Six years ago I had another woman, but no, she turned out to be a nutjob, so no joy there. Three years ago, I thought I had a woman, but then I fell out of love with her because she was just so friggin� dull that I couldn�t stand it anymore.
Feb 14, 2005, 15:40
Jessica Simpson: Clueless as Usual
Idiot diva Jessica Simpson today denied rumors of an impending split with husband and lucky bastard Nick Lachey. After tabloids ran pictures of Lachey, 31, surrounded by cheerleaders at a Super Bowl party in Jacksonville, Fla., and reports of a dinner with ex-girlfriend Jordana Jarjura, Simpson says their difficulties have been greatly exaggerated.
Feb 14, 2005, 14:19
Missing Matter Found: Iran's Got It
According to research published in the British scientific journal Nature, some of the universe�s �missing� normal matter (i.e. not dark matter, etc.) has been found. A full five percent of the universe is believed to be made up of atoms and molecules (�normal� matter), but scientists have thus far been only able to account for approximately half of expected matter.
Feb 14, 2005, 09:27
GMAC Follow-up; Still Giant, Corrupt
Glossy News recently ran a piece about the unethical corporate bastardry of mega-giant GMAC, the fraternal financial services wing of American Megalith General Motors. As always, we opened the floor to discussion and here's what's transpired since our public soap-boxing of complaints against the Goliath money lender of biblical proportions.
Feb 13, 2005, 11:53
North Korea Announces the Obvious
Today, in the international political equivalent of Siegfried and Roy coming out of the closet, North Korea announced that it has a viable nuclear (or �nukuler� if you happen to be a U.S. president) weapons program. came as no surprise to the international community which issued the following statement from United Nations Headquarters in New York City: �Duh.�
Feb 12, 2005, 06:44
Floyd's Mix-Tape-o-Rama Revs up for Valentine's Day
2005 has been witness to a massive resurgence of other-women's man lovers, but nothing quite says "you ain't my real girl" like the Valentine's mix tape. That's where Floyd's comes in with pockets of cassettes and fists full of cash. Oh, and the coffee is as free as it tastes.
Feb 11, 2005, 14:07
Sluts-R-Us Opens Nationwide
With Valentine�s Day just around the corner, men are beginning the yearly scramble to find a mate to hook up with on that fateful day. year, the male species is being assisted by a renegade new enterprise in the form of Wal-Mart subsidiary Sluts-R-Us. At any one of their many conveniently located outlets across the country, a man can either rent or purchase a slut for his own personal use.
Feb 11, 2005, 06:40
Coping with Asshats by Using Caller ID
Ever called back a number on your caller ID, only to find a jackass on the other end who doesn't know how to be civil? "I didn't call you, nobody here did, now goodbye!" and click. No more waggling your puny fists in impotent rage, you can get back at them, just like we do here at Glossy News.
Feb 10, 2005, 14:18
NASA Nails Fourth Heavenly Body with Rugged Probe
On January 14th, 2005, NASA celebrated like the victorious team at Homecoming. Why? Because they had just managed to successfully hit their fourth heavenly body with a clunky space probe. The 700-pound wok-shaped Huygens probe (which had piggybacked on the Cassini probe �mothership�) managed to correctly decelerate and descend through the many layered atmosphere of Titan, and even successfully made a landing on a hard surface.
Feb 10, 2005, 10:16
Weis, Crennel Depart for Greener Pastures, Money
�Please, give me a single reason why on God�s green Earth I should want to stay here as offensive coordinator for the greatest team in the National Football League when I can move down to the college level and take over as head coach of the heavily faltering Notre Dame Fighting Irish,� said ex-New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis yesterday. �No, seriously, why would I want to stick with a winning team when I can jump ship to captain a team that sucks like a two dollar whore at Mardi Gras?�
Feb 9, 2005, 14:04
New Study Shows Navy Men Have No Sense of Humor
San Diego, California - In a landmark new study conducted jointly by Glossy News and the Brookings Institution, a staggering 87 percent of Navy men (officer and enlisted) have been shown to be completely unable to identify a joke. Further, most (81 percent) suffer from a severely reduced sense of irony, as response to our article on the USS San Francisco clearly identified. To date, we have received approximately forty pieces of email decrying the USS San Francisco article as foul. Clearly, our brave seamen have had their sense of humor indoctrinated right out of them.
Feb 9, 2005, 09:20
Eleventy-Ninth Hour Retraction: Nader Takes Iraq
Who won the election in Iraq? Glossy News ain't proud, but we made a mistake in our initial reporting, our revised reporting, and in the corrected reporting of those three rightfully retracted articles. Let us now set the record straight, at hour, Iraqi election officials have announced that the new president elect is indeed Ralph Nader.
Feb 8, 2005, 07:31
Al Gore Elected Iraqi President
In a surprise move today, the Iraqi people overwhelmingly elected Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States, to be their first democratically elected president. Though not immediately available for comment, Gore was seen sitting in the corner of his Baghdad hotel room twirling his moustache and wringing his hands with glee. It is uncertain whether his election will hold up in what the Iraqis pass of as �a legal system,� as Gore�s name was not actually on the ballot and he is not a citizen of that country. Questions of ballot tampering have been raised.
Feb 8, 2005, 07:30
President Bush Wins Iraqi Election
At an early press conference today, President Bush spoke glibly on the outcome of the Iraqi elections. �Arabs like me�, he stated. Meanwhile, at least one Iraqi election spokesperson thus far has stated, �We�re not even sure how he was elected. His name and an office for the Presidency weren�t even on the ballot.� Nevertheless, with 51% of the Iraqi vote President Bush was named the victor in yesterday�s election.
Feb 8, 2005, 07:29
Man on the Street Interview: What Scares You?
Here at Glossy News, we�re always seeking to �keep it real� and bring to you the hard-hitting news of the day. So today, when there was no other news to report, we decided to sensationalize the �keep it real� attitude just a little bit and deliver to you answers to the question: �What are you afraid of?� People�s answers may shock you.
Feb 7, 2005, 13:40
Bush Affirms "No Child Left Behind [at Recess]"
�I ain�t fundin� it no more,� explained Bush today in a Rose Garden conference. Standing before a banner proclaiming, �Skool iz fer loozerz,� the President unveiled a bold new educational plan called, �No Child Left Behind at Recess," saying "Recess is where I did most of my learnin� anyshows". The proposed plan instead doubles the number of basket and dodgeballs available to children with Playground apartaus likwise "upgraded". The US immediately supported the audacious new plan.
Feb 7, 2005, 09:11
British Billionaire Discovers Cure For Homosexuality
For centuries homosexuality has been the plague of sexual being and the greatest obstacle of human reproduction. Today we may celebrate the end of period, as it's been successfully cured. The most significant scientific discovery since DNA. Maxwellian thought has risen to new heights. I have taken a homosexual subject and successfully turned them into a healthy heterosexual; event surely demonstrates that science does in fact have practical uses.
Feb 7, 2005, 01:59
Super Bowl Party Fails to Rock, Gets Assistance
�Yeah, dudes, is gonna be the greatest Super Bowl party in history!� shouted Raymond Fletcher to his crowded living room in Casper, Wyoming. �We�re gonna break out some karaoke, sing some tunes, then break out the Twister board and get freaky before the game! Whaddya say, Casper?!� His enthusiasm was met with muted applause and a single, �Yeah.�
Feb 6, 2005, 12:43
Justin Timberlake Pantses Paul McCartney at Super Bowl
In what has proven to be a shocking follow-up to last year's Super Bowl, Paul McCartney was pantsed during the Super Bowl Half-Time show by Justin Timberlake. Timberlake, in sheer dedication to his debaucherous act, slipped into the stadium undetected, knocked out three body guards and waited for the lights to temporarily go dead during McCartney's grand performance to make his own grand hands superbly present.
Feb 6, 2005, 08:12
Jesus is a False Blonde
While Glossy News will not argue the fact that Jesus is the Son of God, we would like to point out that he is, presumably, the son of Mary, as well. Mary was almost certainly a dark-featured woman, as people from that part of the world are wont to be. So unless baby Jesus was hit with some kind of supernatural, super-dominant blonde gene, it seems more than likely that he � contrary to popular depiction � was dark-featured as well.
Feb 5, 2005, 11:05
San Diego Deluged with Up to .03" of Rain
San Diego today was pummeled by a Pacific storm that dropped up to .03� of rain on some areas of the county. The terrible storm is being blamed for countless automobile accidents and incidents of foot slippage along the city�s sidewalks. Geologists have been seen holding their breath, though not waiting for a landslide to occur. The San Diego River rose a full .25� closer to flood stage, alarming city emergency planners.
Feb 4, 2005, 14:52
Scientists Discover Secret of Romance in a Bottle
An obscure chemical isolated from the sweat of young women seems to act as a romance enhancer for their older counterparts, unsurprisingly. Researchers added the compound "Pheromone 10:13" to a perfume for older women, and it's made their partners �more affectionate.� 41% of users reported more petting, kissing and affection," said New Scientist magazine. Yet more significantly, 82% of users reported their significant others went running out on them "for younger women."
Feb 4, 2005, 12:02
Stallone to Challenge Schwarzenegger for "Gubnership"
These days, it�s chic to be both a movie star and a politician. Clint Eastwood was mayor of Carmel. Sonny Bono was a congressional representative from California. Now action hero and steroid-use poster boy Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California, the world�s fifth largest economy. But it is chic to be a politician, and what do you do when all of the good jobs are already taken? You try to unseat the incumbent.
Feb 3, 2005, 15:58
Accordion Player Lands Historic Pay Day
Toronto, Canada - Accordion player David Balac made history by receiveing the most cash ever paid to an accordionist with his CAN$1.7 million damage award for being mauled by a tiger while driving through an Ontario safari park. Injuries sustained supposedly left him unable to work, though one wonders what injury it could have been to keep him from squeezing a friggin� accordion. Did he lose a finger? Paralysis of an arm?
Feb 3, 2005, 09:16
Father Tries Hand at Construction, Fails
David Sherman, of Modesto, California, loved his two little girls, Ashley and Amy, twins, age 5. He wanted the best for them in everything, and right now, that meant having the finest tree-house the world has ever seen. David, a computer software engineer, quickly used AutoCAD to draw up plans for a four-room tree-house, complete with electricity and indoor plumbing, with attached bathroom and full kitchen.
Feb 2, 2005, 14:19
American Muslims to be LoJacked
Bush�s new Operation Eagle Eye stops terrorists. All Muslims entering the country are now "LoJacked", with an alarm sounding at local police and FBI headquarters when a collar-wearking "insurgent" approaches within 200 feet of a federal office or 500 feet of a high traffic civilian area. Proponents of the bill � dubbed �Bubba�s Billa' Paranoia� � hope it will eliminate any terrorist threat in America, leaving only rightwing nutjobs like the unlamented McVeigh to wreck havoc.
Feb 2, 2005, 11:27
Terrell Owens: Faith Healer
�Yea, verily, come upon me and heal my busted-ass ankle!� yelled out Terrell Owens at a Philadelphia Methodist church. �Walk beside me and heal my bones knit together my tendons like only You can, Lord!� Owens, the Philadelphia Eagles� standout wide-receiver, suffered a severe ankle sprain and broken leg during a December 19th game. Since having two screws and a metal plate inserted into his leg, Owens has turned to faith-healing to get mended before the commencement of the Super Bowl.
Feb 1, 2005, 14:02
Mike Piazza Weds Alicia Rickter, Still a Homo
Mike Piazza, the New York Mets� All-Star catcher, is no longer a free agent. The Mets slugger married former Playboy Playmate and Baywatch actress Alicia Rickter Saturday in Miami, where Piazza owns a condo. But why the sudden nuptials? Insiders say that Piazza is sick and tired of being accused of being gay, and figures that abrupt course of action will stifle arguments in support of that accusation.
Feb 1, 2005, 07:55
Airbus Rolls Out New A380; Travelers Despair
Airbus has officially unveiled its new A380 aircraft. The beast is massive. It has a maximum take-off weight of 560 tons, and is pushed through the sky by two pairs of 70,000 pound thrust range Trent 900 or GP7200 jet engines. Its double-decker design gives is 49% more floor space and 35% more seating than the next largest plane in the world, the Boeing 747-400ER, allowing for a base passenger capacity of 555 (which can be expanded up to approximately 800).
Jan 31, 2005, 14:29
"No Name-Calling" Week Degenerates into Violence
Middle schools around the country have taken the forced vow of one week of self-policed �no name-calling� of their peers. program had little chance of success to begin with, but unfortunately, the circumstances are much, much worse than previously imagined. Due to a clerical scheduling error, the middle schools scheduled �No Name-Calling� week right over top of announced, �Smear the Queer� week. Thus, the middle schools have degenerated into a veritable "orgy-sborg" of flowery-worded violence.
Jan 31, 2005, 09:28
Yoda Fathers Illegitimate Children; Denies Them
900-year-old Jedi Master Yoda, who led Luke Skywalker down his road to enlightenment, is in hot water with the law. Yoda officially dropped his middle and surnames, as he idolized Cher, Twiggy, Gallagher, and Fabian. After being expelled from community college for distributing LSD, Yoda moved to the galactic capital of Coruscant, where he took up with a young Jedi named Buffy and began to learn the ways of the Force.
Jan 30, 2005, 21:46
Reality TV Soon to be Replaced by Hyper-Reality TV
The age of Reality TV will soon be drawing to a close, fortunately. �Sheeyit, it can�t happen soon enough,� say many of you, as if in eery unison, but wait � Reality TV isn't really going away. It�s evolving into something more hideous, more sinister, more vile, more unconscionable, more debauched, more... real? Reality TV is giving way to Hyper-Reality TV.
Jan 29, 2005, 14:16
Scientists Confirm Smelt It / Dealt It Correlation
Scientists working at the Ohio State University, in conjunction with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the Brookings Institute, and the International Olfactory Research Center (IORC) have proven what schoolchildren have long held to be an axiom: he who smelt it, dealt it. The $500 million project is the inaugural study of its kind, as never before has human flatulent behavior been studied in such detail.
Jan 27, 2005, 14:22
Pretty Girl Laughs, Doesn't Get It
Sarah Brightford is a �stuningly beautiful� coed at the University of Rochester. At 7:28pm, January 11, 2005, she slammed her drink down, threw her head back, and chortled a good 5-minutes, stopping only to breathe, before crashing her head forward, pounding her fist on the table in a gratuitous display of mirth. She clutched at her gut, gasping for air between bouts of laughter. Only later, with hilarity concluded, did Sarah pause, look around at her friends, and offer meekly, �I don�t get it.�
Jan 27, 2005, 08:59
Muppets Indicted on Felony Charges
In much the same manner as beloved childhood figures Pee-Wee Herman and Michael Jackson, the Muppets of Sesame Street have been brought up on a host of felony charges. Sesame Street has long been a hotbed of crime, financed largely through the Muppets� �Children�s Television Workshop� money laundering scheme. web of lies has cost our nation generations of children, whom the show has gotten hooked on reading, counting, personal hygiene, and most recently, crystal meth.
Jan 26, 2005, 17:29
"More Snow - More Sex" Correlation Observed
Communities throughout the northeast are struggling to cope with the aftermath of a winter storm which dropped up to three feet of snow on some locales. The winter weather was blamed for sixteen deaths. Frustrated travelers in Boston, New York and Philadelphia waited for transportation after a weekend in which more than 2,000 planes were cancelled, with no speaking of the detriment to trains and automobiles.
Jan 26, 2005, 09:40
Doug Mientkiewicz; Douche Bag
Doug Mientkiewicz, backup first baseman for the Boston Red Sox, is a douche. Mientkiewicz caught the ball for the final out of the 2004 World Series, ending Boston�s 86-year championship drought. With the ball in his grasp, Mientkiewicz raised his right index finger in triumph and rushed to the pile of celebrating players. In the locker room, he gave the ball to his wife, Jodi. He then promptly put it in a safe-deposit box and insisted that the ball belonged to him. The Red Sox disagree.
Jan 25, 2005, 14:42
Superbowl XXIX Pre-Postgame Report
Jacksonville, Fla. - What an astounding day at Alltel Stadium. Never before have we witnessed such a clash of AFC vs. NFC titans like today. And the score � who would have thought we�d see another Superbowl so narrowly decided by the placekicker? was definitely the place to be as the greatest sporting event of all time unfolded right before our hungry eyes. What had been hyped and promised as a battle to end all battles was delivered, tenfold.
Jan 25, 2005, 10:25
Mongols Purchase Ladders, Invade China
The Great Wall of China, whose construction began during the Zhou Dynasty of approximately 770BC, has finally been bested. Descendants of the ancient invading Mongols have discovered a Home Depot in Ulan Bator, and purchased thousands of scaling ladders to allow them passage over the Great Wall. They appear to have been successful in their endeavor, and are now threatening Beijing.
Jan 24, 2005, 10:38
Bush Refuses Murdoch Inaugural Dance, FOX Now Left Wing
Washington - Though never claiming to be President Bush's "Right Hand" in his campaign for election and re-election, media magnate Rupert Murdoch has always settled for being "the President's middle finger," according to many. That was before Thursday's inaugural ball where, credible sources report, Bush repeatedly shook off requests for a first dance from debatably his biggest supporter.
Jan 23, 2005, 06:10
Short Guy's "Got it Where it Counts," Doesn't
Geoffrey Cudna, a short man from White Plains, NY, has long purported that, despite his lackluster height of a mere 5'4", he definitely has "got it where it counts." A recent survey of no fewer than six of his past lovers has now surfaced debunking ridiculous claim. "Oh dude," lied Geoffrey through his smallish, carnie-like teeth, "don't let my height fool you. In my pants I've got a wicked anaconda of Hollywood sequel proportion."
Jan 22, 2005, 14:29
America Vindicated: Less Destructive than Nature
America has been temporarily vindicated. As the death toll from the tsunami officially climbs past 225,000, America is no longer the most destructive force on planet Earth. In 1945, an 8,000 pound uranium-235 atomic bomb was dropped by the Enola Gay on the Japanese industrial city of Hiroshima, 500 miles from Tokyo. The bomb exploded with the force of some 125,000 tons of TNT, instantly destroyed most of the city and straight up killing approximately 70,000 people... but just 70,000.
Jan 22, 2005, 08:51
Dave's Daily Guilty of Rampant Time Theft
When we see theft or other corporate abuses of the common consumer, Glossy News never fails to jump to action. Dave's Daily is one such offender as, day after day, the site steals more and more of my own precious time, but in case, only with your sincerest consent. A business owner in Lynnwood, Washington, told Glossy News, "I found it about six-months ago. All kinds of off-beat news, funny pictures and stories too crazy to be made up. I waste a good 20-minutes a day on it, but that's my problem, not yours."
Jan 21, 2005, 14:06
Colts Get Hammered, Choke; Also Lose Football Game
Last Sunday, the Indianapolis Colts got totally hammered and blitzed in Foxboro, Massachusetts. They choked on booze and women until all hours of the night prior to game day. Then they lost their divisional-round playoff game against the New England Patriots. �I guess it was a poor decision on my part to allow my 1st-string squad to get blitzed � in the alcohol sense of the word � the night before the big game. In retrospect, I think I could have handled that differently.�
Jan 21, 2005, 09:48
Janet Jackson Bares Breast at Bush Inauguration
During President Bush's second swearing-in ceremony, the public earned outrage from his 278 abuses of the word �liberty�, and by the reoccuring public display of Janet Jackson�s right breast. The crowd was frenzied as Bush continually stammered �liberty�, but all semblance of order broke down at the conclusion of the ceremony, when Janet Jackson, while singing the national anthem, intentionally exposed her breast for all to see. The nipple was reportedly quite stiff in the 24-degree weather.
Jan 20, 2005, 10:38
GMAC Escalates Collection Agent Harassment, Tom-Fookery
Consumers beware, the most sadistic, vicious and unscrupulous collection agents in the whole of the Fortune-500 are those in the curiously operated, suspiciously located, GMAC Financial Services Auto collection department. It started over two months ago when the GMAC collectors would call one victim an unbelievable (and generally illegal) eight times a day, (though graciously resting on the Sabbath.) Godly as hell, don't you think?
Jan 20, 2005, 04:26
Mariah Carey Vows to Be More Annoying in 2005
Superdiva Mariah Carey, 34, vowed to regain the Associated Press Most Annoying Celebrity award, an honor that has gone to younger performers the last three years. �We owe it to our fans and most of all to the inner me,� said Carey, who revealed that she had recently hired a first-person-pronoun coach. Carey unleashed a career-best annoying year in 2001, a performance that many critics compare favorably to Madonna�s and Hillary Clinton�s best work.
Jan 19, 2005, 13:51
The South Unlikely to Rise Again
Despite countless bumper stickers and proudly displayed Confederate flags to the contrary, recent studies have shown that the South is unlikely to rise again. Recent polling conducted by USA Today and CNN/Gallup indicates that modern Southerners are nearly 98% more content with the current Washington administration than their forefathers. Indeed, all eleven of the former Confederate states voted � victoriously � for the reelection of the current administration in the 2004 election.
Jan 19, 2005, 11:11
USHRA Warns "Monster Truck Madness" Sweeping US
I'm a confessed city kid and braggish, faux-sophisticated world traveler, so my biggest fears have always been pox, mad cow, and SARS. I went to an awareness rally at the Tacoma Dome, and I fear I may have accidentally caught a touch of it myself. I tried not to, I really did. The CDC doesn't pay due tribute to fun-tastic affliction, though it's found in every major city.
Jan 18, 2005, 13:56
Dot Comedy Winners Announced, Critics Vomit
The political dot comedy award winners have been crowned for 2004, and... Hang on a second, sorry, I think I feel my lunch percolating back up in to my month even right now as I write . Who won? Seriously, I'm going to be sick. If you've ever suspected an award might be rigged, or ever wanted to witness corruption in action, today's your lucky day. The 2004 Political Dot Comedy awards have concluded, and it's the same ol' doozy as ever.
Jan 18, 2005, 07:35
New Hawking Algorithm Generates New Hawking Algorithms
Toronto Canada � In a press conference held earlier morning at the University of Toronto, Elaine Hawking, the wife of noted inambulate theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, announced the findings of the newest Stephen Hawkins research paper. He has apparently created an elaborate mathematical equation which promises to create more such equations, even after the physicist himself is long gone.
Jan 17, 2005, 13:51
Papa Smurf Threatens Global Domination
Papa Smurf, speaking today from his fortified compound outside of Twin Falls, Idaho, indicated that the Smurf Nation is fully nuclear-capable. He continued, saying, �In addition, Handy Smurf, working closely with Brainy Smurf, has developed an impenetrable missile defense shield. Ladies and gentlemen, today we take our place as the world�s dominant military superpower.�
Jan 17, 2005, 11:30
Mr. Mysterio's Horoscopes
Welcome, readers, to my humble page, where I, Mr. Mysterio, will reveal to you the secrets that were hitherto known only to me. Bah, gift, curse, call it what you will� I share my knowledge freely with you. May you make the most of it. The spirits are speeking loudly today, and their portents cannot be misunderstood by one with my skills. Heed my words!
Jan 16, 2005, 06:38
Social Security Shortfall Located, "Haliburton's Got It"
Washington - Over the past week, president George W. Bush has performed a series of dramatic monologues on the certain bankruptcy of social security. was never a battle cry in his previous decades of politics, so critics were left wondering where the money went. Wall Street was more astute. "Haliburton's got it."
Jan 15, 2005, 09:28
Reporters Embedded with Actors, Other Reporters
Earlier week a pentagon official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed what reporters from several major networks have been alleging in past weeks. Following the string of embarrassments in Iraq faced by the ground forces from the United States (and Poland), reporters are no longer being embedded with active duty troops, but rather with small troops of war-themed actors, and in some cases, with other groups of reporters.
Jan 14, 2005, 15:03
Windows Longhorn to be Coded in Reliable FORTRAN
In an attempt to achieve that most elusive of operating system qualities � system stability � Redmond, Washington-based Microsoft Corporation announced today that it will be coding its much-awaited OS (currently dubbed �Longhorn�) entirely in 1970s-era FORTRAN. Further, they unveiled the 5.25� Microsoft Punch-card Reader to assist users in customizing their experience. As with all Windows products, Longhorn will be a GUI, which in FORTRAN should only require approximately ten billion lines of code.
Jan 14, 2005, 08:45
USS San Francisco Runs Aground; Hazelwood Blamed
At 12 noon Guam Time, Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the U.S.S. San Francisco (SSN 711) ("The Convenience Store Sub") managed to run his ship aground 350 miles south of Guam, injuring approximately 20 sailors, one of them critically. At time, the submarine is running on the surface making best speed for Guam. Captain Joseph Hazelwood, the same Joseph Hazelwood of Exxon Valdez fame � or perhaps infamy � has been relieved of his duties pending a full investigation into the matter.
Jan 13, 2005, 14:28
Axis of Evil Update Catches Evil-Doers Off Guard
Earlier today, North Korea, in a statement issued from Pyongyang, announced to the world that its �top secret� nuclear weapons program had borne fruit, and that the tiny insular, peninsular nation was now nuclear capable. Though the White House did not immediately release any official comment, President Bush was observed to laugh, �Yeah, so, I ain�t worried. When was the last time you bought something Korean that worked like it was supposed to?�
Jan 13, 2005, 08:27
Greyhound Applauded for Deterring Terrorists, Passengers
The Greyhound Bus Line felt all the new safety constraints following the events of September 11, 2001, without enjoying any of the benefits of Homeland Security revenue. Their path towards deterring the threat of terrorism has not been an easy one, but by deterring all passengers from using their busline, they have been thus far 100% successful, and for that they are earning highest accolades.
Jan 12, 2005, 13:15
"The Big Unit" Isn't
Pitcher Randy Johnson of the Arizona Diamondbacks is on the verge of being traded to the New York Yankees for a two-year $32 million contract extension. But first, �The Big Unit� has one shocking admission to make: �The Big Unit� isn�t. �I�ve been living a lie, and it�s time to come clean,� said Johnson. ��The Big Unit� is really only small to average sized for a man my size. We�re talking four to five inches erect. I don�t think that�s anything that anyone should be overly proud of, and I�m ashamed that I�ve led people to believe otherwise for so long.�
Jan 12, 2005, 10:44
Tara Reid Wins 2005 Nobel Piece Prize
Amid much celebration and fanfare, the 2005 Nobel Piece Prize was awarded today at a black-tie ceremony in Hollywood, California. year�s winner is �actress� Tara Reid, who just beat out Paris Hilton for the title. Said Reid, �I was just about to go down on Colin Farrell when I heard that I had been nominated. I was so excited that after I finished my Jello shots, I knocked over my tray of coke getting to my feet. I can�t tell you what a thrill it was simply to be nominated. But to actually win, well, that�s something very special.�
Jan 11, 2005, 09:13
Aniston & Pitt Split, Fan Masturbation Hits New High
Hollywood - Brad Pitt has aknowleged that his "seven years in T'Bitch" has officially ended. With both Pitt and his A-list ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston back on the dating scene, surveys have shown that instances of fan masturbation are reaching new highs, indeed, bordering on epidemic. Martha Godwin of Great Plains, South Dakota, told Glossy News that she's "been withholding using Brad [Pitt] as a double-click fantasy man for a very long time.
Jan 11, 2005, 03:47
al Qaeda Forms Christian Rock Group
With the capture of Saddam Hussein, the fall of the Taliban, and the recent death of Yassir Arafat, the now infamous terrorist organization al Qaeda, led by the reclusive Osama bin Laden, has been under increasing pressure to find new sources of funding. To that end, al Qaeda�s marketing and accounting divisions have put their collective heads and turbans together and come up with a sure-fire way to rake in the cash. They�ve started a Christian rock group.
Jan 10, 2005, 00:01
Blocked Writer Publishes Book of Forewords
Blake Evans of Springfield Illinois is a self-proclaimed writer who has long ignored the conventions of literary creation. He always comes up with his book titles before anything else, he never commits to a second draft, and despite countless warnings, he always writes his forewords and acknowledgments before he ever starts his books. But finally, his debut book is done.
Jan 9, 2005, 15:37
Hormel Introduces Pig-Byproduct Condoms
Hormel Foods, makers of Spam, have added condoms to the ever-growing catalog of novelty gift items bearing the popular foodstuff's name. Available in Snack, Regular, and Hambone sizes, the ultrasensitive Spam Meat Locker� is made entirely of pig lips, skin, entrails, and connective tissue�items once found in every can of Spam.
Jan 8, 2005, 06:07
NFL Launches Vegas Expansion Team
National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced yesterday the formation of four new expansion teams, the Honolulu Kahunas, Los Angeles Stars, Anchorage Ice, and the most highly anticipated team of the quadruplet, the Las Vegas Bandits. Named after the �one-armed bandits� that are ubiquitous on the Las Vegas strip, owner John McElroy hopes that the Bandits will follow their namesakes, taking everything and giving up the big play only on very rare occasions.
Jan 7, 2005, 10:42
Entire NFC Conference Fails To Make Playoffs
NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue issued a statement today of sheer befuddlement as to how it came to be the entire NFC conference eliminated itself from playoff contention. "While it has been a poor year for the conference, the competition structure is setup up so that towards the end of the season even the best of the worst teams still make it into the playoffs. We have no idea how it came to be an entire conference could suck so bad as to eliminate themselves, but I assure you we are looking into the matter."
Jan 6, 2005, 09:03
Pope John Paul II to Compete in 2008 Olympics
Pope John Paul II is known worldwide as �The Pilgrim Pope,� for his unparalleled travel around the globe bringing faith to planet Earth. In 2008, he will travel to Beijing, China. Yesterday, the 84-year-old pontiff announced from his Vatican balcony that he will be competing in the 2008 Olympic Games for his home country of Poland, and is looking to medal in an unprecedented sixteen events, from gymnastics, to swimming, to track and field, and ranging as far as skeet shooting and weight lifting.
Jan 5, 2005, 06:17
Indian Ocean Bitch-Slaps Bay of Bengal
Following the record-breaking earthquake, which measured an alarming 8.9 on the Richter scale, Southeast Asia has done what they do best, they have exported their local goods. time in the form of a high-quality, duty-free tsunami. The Thailand's Secretary of Commerce, speaking in Bangkok, suggests, "We've always shared our people, labor, trade, commerce and even the Indian Ocean freely with all our neighbors.
Jan 4, 2005, 09:17
Osama bin Laden Captured!
At an impromptu press conference early morning, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced simply, �Ladies and gentlemen � we have him.� The room erupted in a chorus of shouts, cheers, and applause, with reporters throwing their notebooks into the air like children at the bell on the last day of school. Why? Because Osama bin Laden, the purported mastermind behind the September 11, 2001 attacks, had been located and taken into custody.
Jan 3, 2005, 09:02
Haiti Checks Want Ads, Considers Occupation
After 200 years of lackadaisical self-employment, the nation of Haiti is considering taking up a new occupation, likely from the United states. "A full-time occupation will take away some of your day-to-day freedom, but there's a lot of benefits as well," says Mbangbar Whodoo, part-time Secretary of the Interior for Haiti. "Without good medical coverage, like you get with an occupation, it's really hard to get by when you have an accident like we just did."
Jan 2, 2005, 08:19
Glossy News-Year's Resolutions
The staff of artists, writers, and editors here at Glossy News wishes you a happy New Year and a fantastic 2005. We at Glossy News are always striving to improve ourselves and our product for maximum entertainment buck banging value. To that end, we offer the following resolutions for the coming year.
Jan 1, 2005, 00:01
Child-Rearing Review: Teething Toy vs. a Shoe
Oh boy, my gummies hurt worse than a double dose of hungry and tired el combino. Chewing anything at all helps, but what to chew is the real debate, and herein lies my rebuttal. Any noun is fit for mastication, as any fool should know, but my review focuses on the two logical choices; teething toys and real life, handsome, footsome, jetsome ol' shoes. Allow me to e'splain.
Dec 31, 2004, 12:19
Atlanta Loses Its Collective Mind, Gives $167 Million to Vick
The city of Atlanta has now proven that it has lost its collective mind by signing Atlanta Falcons� starting quarterback Michael Vick to a new 10-year $130 million contract that additionally guarantees him $37 million in bonuses. �You know, making a commitment says a lot, not just to me, but to our team,� Vick said with a smile. �It means a lot to me.� No sheeyit, Vick! So you did manage to pick up some small bit of math during your time at Virginia Tech - $167 million is a lot of money. Crap!
Dec 31, 2004, 09:09
About's Dot-Comedy Awards Applies Chaos to Nominations
What a strange thing has happened yet again year, seemingly at random. In the past I blamed procedural ignorance for my confusion, but now I've got the mystery solved. The Political Dot-Comedy Awards doled out by About.com don't just seem random, but an anonymous tipster close to the project confirms, many candidates are selected by chaos theory abstraction.
Dec 30, 2004, 08:17
New Discoveries Point to Geographic Genders
�Mother Earth� may be more of an illogical fallacy than most people realize. A stone phallus, recently discovered in the badlands of Utah, indicates that the Earth is decidedly male. immediately calls into question a host of other gender items, beginning with "mother nature" and only ending far beyond "father time".
Dec 29, 2004, 09:07
Camden, N.J., Wins "Crawling with Crime" Title
A pall of sadness and disbelief has fallen over the once infamous city of Detroit, Michigan. Since its founding in 1701, Detroit has been known as the most dangerous city in North America, but no longer. A recent study concluded that the felonious city of Camden, New Jersey (ranked third last year,) had stepped up and earned the distinction of �most dangerous city in America.� Residents of both cities are stunned and discouraged.
Dec 28, 2004, 09:26
Gift Card Used to Purchase Better Gift Card
Nothing says "I'm so wonderfully devoid the burdens of imagination" like a gift card. And nothing told me "I remembered your Christmas gift on the turnpike" like that twenty dollar gift card to Ikea Aunt Gladys got me. Twenty dollars of furniture store purchasing power reminded me that Aunt Gladys really is a beehotch, and that she truly hates me. No matter, rather than re-gift the damned thing, I used my gift card to purchase what wanted all along, a much better gift card.
Dec 27, 2004, 08:42
Robert Blake Swears He's Famous, Isn't
In a Los Angeles courtroom today, the badly aging character actor Robert Blake continued to maintain that he is, indeed, famous. Onlookers remain skeptical, insisting that if he had been famous, he would not have had a hand in the shooting death of his late wife, Bonny Lee Bakley. When pressed, Blake simply stared at the camera and asserted that he was, in fact, famous.
Dec 26, 2004, 09:41
Christmas Outsourced to South America
�Feliz Navidad! That�s what we�ll all be saying year, as the Christian holiday of Christmas has been outsourced to the sweatshops of South America. Buenos Aires, Argentina, is the new �North Pole,� and Santa Claus has been replaced with Pablo the Matador. Perhaps not surprisingly, few people are pleased with these new changes.
Dec 25, 2004, 00:06
Dalai Lama: "To Hell with Peaceful Resistance"
At 06:00 GMT today, the invisibly amassed hoards of Tibetan armies began pouring northward over the semi-autonomous border with the People�s Republic of China. From his government-in-exile headquarters in Dharamsala, India, His Holiness the Dalai Lama was heard to say, �To hell with peaceful resistance. It�s time to kick some Chinese devil-ass. Brothers in robes, rise up and revolt!�
Dec 24, 2004, 10:42
Joey Harrington Wishes His Dad Would Die
Joey Harrington wishes that his Dad would do him a favor and drop dead. It�s not that he dislikes the man, or really wishes him any ill will, it�s just that he�d like to keep his job. Joey is currently hanging onto his job as the Detroit Lions� starting quarterback by the barest of threads, and could really use a breakout game to get confidence back on his side.
Dec 23, 2004, 09:12
Amazon Planet Dominated by Desperate, Nasty Women
I just got back from planet Amazon where I spent a month on a work visa. When it comes to changing light bulbs and setting VCR clocks, the whole planet is remarkably shorthanded. Like all visitors to the illustrious planet, I partook heavily of the indigenous beaver, and I've got to tell you, that crack ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Dec 22, 2004, 21:12
Chirac Christens Bridge, Loses Touch with Reality
With French military jets trailing smoke in the French tri-color roaring overhead, President Jacques Chirac yesterday Christened the Millau bridge, the world�s tallest bridge, and promptly lost touch with reality. The bridge, which spans a north-south route from Paris to the Mediterranean through the Tarn River Valley in the Massif Central mountains, is, at its highest point, 53 feet taller than the Eiffel Tower. Said President Chirac, �The bridge will serve as a symbol of �a modern and conquering France.��
Dec 21, 2004, 08:54
Chia Gifts: The Gift that Says, "I Smoke Dope"
The Chia� family of gifts � when you care enough to say, �I�m totally stoned, but still thinking about you.� There is perhaps no more signature gift for the devoted stoner to give. Parents of any age, if you should receive a Chia� gift, it�s time to have that talk with your kids about the dangers of marijuana use.
Dec 20, 2004, 09:47
Salesman Gouges Church; Goes to Dinner, Hell
Edward Jenkins, an electronics salesman in Denver, Colorado, earned a hefty commission yesterday by selling an overpriced overhead projector to his own church. He promptly took the money and his vast appetite to dinner, only to die in a freak car accident on the way back to a romantic rendezvous.
Dec 19, 2004, 09:14
Sea World: Now Fun for Adults, Too
San Diego, CA - Sea World is no longer just a place for children to have fun and potentially learn something about fish and marine mammals. It is also a place where adults can come, and for a nominal surcharge, get themselves abso-ridiculously blitzed. As the sign suggests, Sea World is owned and operated by Anheuser-Busch, the proud producers of Budweiser beer, among many other lukewarm intoxicants.
Dec 18, 2004, 06:06
Disneyland Unsuitable for Children
Disneyland�s �Mr. Toad�s Wild Ride� is bad for children. It promotes delinquent behavior, specist stereotypes, and demonstrates a contempt for the law unmatched in any of Disney�s other children�s rides, with the possible exception of Pirates of the Caribbean. You begin your journey by stepping into an English automobile with no seat belt nor airbag. You can tell it's English, as the steering wheel is on the wrong side.
Dec 17, 2004, 11:17
PDA Keyboard Revolutionizes Porta-Porn Viewing
My experience of writing was recently revolutionized by the Procurement of a Toshiba PDA from and a wireless keyboard from StylusCentral.com. Writing on the go has never been so easy, but I now discover that auto eroticism is actually experienced in my auto, as well as by myself. It's a web-enabled PDA with color, SD slot, and all that good stuff, so how I missed the fact that I could browse porn with it I may never know. With how adeptly it shows me both T and A, I honestly think it was designed for very purpose.
Dec 16, 2004, 10:43
Republicans Conquer Nation, Set Sights on Dictionary
Montgomery, Al. � Election exit polls showed a majority of Americans favor family, compassion, love, and all things good over killing puppies and Satanic worship. surprising news unfortunately and immediately sounded the death-knell for nearly all of the Democratic candidates across the country. Seizing the momentum, leaders from a broad coalition across the political right held a press conference yesterday to announce the creation of additional Republican values.
Dec 15, 2004, 08:27
NFL's Best and Worst Mascots Reviewed
We all know that it�s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. Fewer of us know that it�s also which mascot you�ve chosen to represent your team. Your mascot says more about you than the play of your offensive line. In that spirit, Glossy News now presents the National Football League�s Ten Best and Worst mascots, presented in descending order.
Dec 14, 2004, 04:14
Government Officials Caught in Call-Girl Sting
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was arrested earlier today on charges of soliciting sex from an underage girl. His arrest followed a three-state high-speed chase and four-hour armed standoff. Early reports indicate that shots were exchanged, though there are as yet no reports of injury. The sting, in which young black and Asian women posed as paid escorts, was the largest to date in Washington, D.C.
Dec 13, 2004, 09:46
Tree of Giving Only Takes
Just like any man of my advancing years, I'm a big fan of shiny objects. I hear dogs like them too, but let's stay on task here -- hey look, a shiny penny on the ground! What was I just saying? Oh yeah, the thing about the shiny objects. I totally like them and these Christmas trees with their assortments of ornaments are so distracting I can hardly explain it.
Dec 13, 2004, 06:08
Self-Gratification Meets Property Rights
Mumsford, OH - Attorneys for 56 year-old Mumsford native Charlotte Milkinggitt say they will take her case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. " is not just about the right to bare arms, and God knows we have seen tremendous bumper-sticker support for that to date, but about taking that political principle to its logical extreme ... the right to bare everything," chief attorney Iona Lott stated emphatically.
Dec 12, 2004, 09:10
Kama Sutra Sequel: Carma Larma Ding Dong
The Kama Sutra has long been the sexual handbook of newlyweds and non-married sex-freaks alike. While its commercial viability has been recognized for perhaps 200 years, the notion of a blockbuster sequel has only been entertained for about a decade. harvest of visual entertainment has given way to a bumper crop of carnal delight, as exhibited in the long anticipated sequel.
Dec 11, 2004, 10:42
Point/Counterpoint: You're Big, You're Small
I may be on the small-and-wide side of the spectrum, but I'm on the straight and narrow path, and not narrow-minded by a wide margin. Our first ever point/counterpoint will focus on who's big and who is small. One brother/author says big, the other brother/author shouts small. Who is to know who is right and who has mud in their respective, ill-focusing eyes? One must but read on into in-depth report.
Dec 11, 2004, 07:15
FDA Defends Approval of Rat Poison
After weeks of criticism and charges that the federal agency is �broken�, the Food and Drug Administration came under attack again today for acknowledging its approval of rat poison as a legitimate food source. �In our studies, takers of rat poison suffered many side-effects, ending in either permanent neurological disorder, coma, or death,� an FDA staffer reported. �These kinds of consistencies are promising.
Dec 10, 2004, 10:20
Snowmen Smug Behind Armored Glass
Tis the season to be jolly, or so I'm told. I'm jolly every season, but these elusive men of snow seem predisposed to wintertime. But they don't share their joy, instead they brandish it from behind thick, double-paned glass, as if they have something to hide. Oh sure, the glass is clear, but that's not enough to share in their holiday spirit. They've got grins from lack of ear to lack of ear.
Dec 10, 2004, 08:45
Nevada Boys Brag "Virginity is Optional"
Virgin men throughout North America have long relied on the seemingly fictitious existence of sexually anxious girlfriends in Canada and Mexico, as if to augment lies. Men coming of age in Nevada, it would seem, have a far, far easier option. "Oh dude, I've banged ten kinds of nasty hoe's from Reno to Vegas," says Lance McGork, a sophomore from Henson, Nevada. "I had a paper route and then a summer job doing construction labor.
Dec 9, 2004, 08:29
Lance Armstrong to Compete in Tour de Iraq
With elections scheduled for the end of January, Iraq is attempting to project the image that despite daily car bombings and hostage decapitations, Iraq is really a people-friendly place. To that end, the interim government is sponsoring the first ever Tour-de-Iraq bicycle race. As was hoped, six-time Tour-de-Frog winner Lance Armstrong has announced his intention to compete.
Dec 8, 2004, 09:28
Warrant Issued for Michael Moore on Accusations of Treason
After over a month of home video release, it would seem as though Michael Moore has met his personal and professional end. Due to unspecified claims made in his hype-umentary Fahrenheit 9/11, the filmmaker and his wife/producer Kathleen Glynn have been charged by federal agents with the crime of high treason. Arrest warrants were issued three days ago.
Dec 7, 2004, 07:36
Christianity Unveils the New JesusCard
Vatican City - The Pope today unveiled a new credit card designed to be used by Christians everywhere. Dubbed �JesusCard,� it combines the best features of the most popular credit cards with a few special features all its own. JesusCard carries an extremely low, fixed 2.3% APR and, like American Express, has no credit limit. It combines a whopping 15% cash-back bonus with a CapitalOne-like rewards program.
Dec 6, 2004, 07:40
NFL Wants $279.99 for a Jersey
That�s right, $279.99 for a flimsy, oversized shirt. Granted, one would be personalized and carry the official Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo, but still, that seems a bit extreme. It�s not like I�m asking to buy Tom Brady�s jersey right off of his back or something. It�s just a jersey. What else could I buy for $279.99? How about six computer games for my PC or Xbox? How about a one-month payment on a Toyota Corolla? How about 70 issues of Popular Science?
Dec 5, 2004, 23:06
Baby Reporter Boasts "Friends in Live Places"
When I was in China I logged on to check my web statistics. It seemed somebody was looking for me and hoping I had an RSS page so they could syndicate my wiggly way onto LiveJournal. Because of my trying to write back from behind a firewall in a country famous for spamming (not to mention my inability to type much more than "ajksdto" I had to wait until I returned home... (click headline for more.)
Dec 5, 2004, 10:32
Shecky's and Sharkey's Announce Drunk Driving School
Shecky's, the New York City bar, club, and lounge guide, and Sharkey's, the Brooklyn-based auto driving school, have announced that they will team up to start Shecky's/Sharkey's, Inc., a drinking and driving school. In a press conference held at a biker bar off of the West Side Highway, a Shecky's spokesperson said, "For years Shecky's has been steering savvy New Yorkers to the hippest, coolest hot spots. Now with the help of Sharkey's, we will show them how to drunkenly drive home from them."
Dec 4, 2004, 13:44
Typo Triggers U.S.-Led War on Error
America is at war. Again. Two days ago, a typo in the daily presidential brief led to President George W. Bush declaring the War on Error. Secretaries quickly attempted to explain that a �T� had simply been omitted by mistake, but Bush would have no part of it. He immediately got on the phone to his friends overseas and began � time � building a multinational coalition to fight the War on Error. So far, response has been exceedingly positive.
Dec 3, 2004, 16:37
NASA Hopes to Increase Beer Consumption Among Teens
Speaking from their headquarters in Huntsville, Alabama today, NASA announced plans to increase targeted marketing campaigns for beer drinkers and potential beer drinkers in the critical 14-20 age demographic. The National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol says move has long been in coming, and indeed, is far overdue.
Dec 2, 2004, 13:02
Bush to Annan: "You Just Made the List"
With the United Nations Oil-for-Food scandal skyrocketing upwards, one man has found the guts to come forward and put the General Secretary on notice. Today, President George W. Bush, speaking before the U.N. General Assembly, announced to General Secretary Kofi Annan, �You just made the list. We Americans are tired of sittin� down and havin� to take kind of crap from Third World dictator-wannabes like yourself. You clean mess up now, or there�s gonna be hell to pay. Chirac, you�re next, buddy.�
Dec 1, 2004, 09:24
NightVision� Inventor Perfects Beer Goggles
In 1982, Francis Nachtstein won the Nobel prize for the peaceful advancement of warfare with his invention of night vision goggles. His invention forever changed the ugly face of combat, but his latest innovation proves to do much more to change ugly faces. Nachtstein claims to have invented true-to-life beer goggles.
Nov 30, 2004, 13:49
Glossy News Goes Down, Population Panics
Seattle, WA - Glossy News, the world�s leader in independent journalism, went down for several days, sparking waves of panic throughout the world populace. From Seattle to Miami, London to Beijing and all points in between, the population went to pieces with the loss of their primary source for hard-hitting reporting. Looting was rampant in major cities and several people lost their lives as a result of mob actions.
Nov 29, 2004, 16:42
TV Not Interesting, Rather Enveloping
I'm a fan of felt markers, toys, non-toys and pretty much everything else. What I'm not a fan of is television. Just like any self-respecting American, I deny even watching it, though I'm enraptured whenever it's even on.
Nov 29, 2004, 08:08
Game of Logic Defies Just That
As all readers must know, I am a man deeply entrenched in logic. Concise, measurable, verifiable matters of fact are my bread, butter and jelly. silly game defies all that, even the jelly. Chess came to earth over two million years ago when aliens built the pyramids to anchor their space yachts. Ever since, chess has been praised as the greatest game of strategy ever to plague mankind. With the plague part alone, I fully concur.
Nov 27, 2004, 12:10
Book Reveals Hitler Orchestrated Holocaust with Palm Pilot
A newly published book THE FUHRER'S PALM PILOT reexamines the German holocaust by way of Hitler's newly discovered Palm Pilot logs. In the book, electronic historian Dr. Neil Beckhem, author of CHE GUEVARA�S BLOG, reveals that Hitler's genocide was fermenting long before Mein Kampf. In 1921, just after he acquired his beloved Palm IIIxe, Hitler's "to do" list read:
Nov 26, 2004, 18:15
Brother Always Pushy, Finally Pays Off
Whether it's toys, his agenda or the schedule of events, no one pushes harder than my senior brother Patrick and I've finally found a way to make lemonade from bitter talent of his. Swing sets are great fun with all the to-ing and fro-ing, but old people get sick of pushing really quickly and my giggles fade to discontent.
Nov 25, 2004, 22:58
Vice President Kills Pardoned Turkey
Today in a private game preserve outside of Richmond, Virginia, Vice President Dick Cheney shot and killed �Biscuits,� year�s pardoned Thanksgiving turkey. Onlookers say that the Vice President was strolling through the preserve when he suddenly threw aside his trenchcoat to reveal a double-barrel shotgun loaded with what was later determined to be 3.5� magnum birdshot. He drew a bead on Biscuits and quickly pulled the trigger before anyone could intervene. The bird was declared dead on the spot.
Nov 24, 2004, 14:05
Disney Princesses, FCC to Review Monday Night Football Skit
Caution, the preceding promo you just saw may not have been suitable for children. The FCC is now reviewing a promo introduction spoofing "Desperate Housewives" on ABC's Monday Night Football in which Wide Receiver Terrel Owens was seduced by the show's Nicolette Sheridan. Though no nudity was shown, it was implied when Sheridan suffered a towel wardrobe malfunction and jumped into Owens' waiting arms.
Nov 22, 2004, 13:10
Scientists Fear Mt. Saint Helens' Smoking May Lead to Cancer
Mt. Saint Helen's in Washington state continues to smoke causing leading scientists to express concern that its risk of getting cancer could increase. "Smoking increases the risk of many ailments and diseases," offered noted cancerologist Benjamin Minkley, Ph.D. "And, the longer you smoke, the higher the risk you'll develop some kind of disease."
Nov 21, 2004, 15:08
Goats, Sheep Decry Discriminatory Anti-Sodomy Laws
Butte, Montana - At an unscheduled press conference morning on the steps of city hall, attorneys allegedly acting on behalf of "goats and sheep", announced their intention of fighting proposed expansions of sodomy laws as "infringing on the rights of goats, sheep and sundry other livestock."
Nov 20, 2004, 12:05
Chubby Bar-Spinster Reeks of Newports, Desperation
Seaside, OR - Bethany Ann Collins has been sitting here at the Salty Seaman as a loyal partner to her bar stool for over ten years. She sees men every day, meets new ones every week and despite a perpetual lowering of her standards, goes home each night all alone.
Nov 19, 2004, 14:04
Web Slump Threatens Terrorist "Dot-Cash"
After four months of record-breaking internet traffic, the �Islamic Death Jihad� website has recently seen a steady decline in hits. The site has been both a recruiting tool for terror and the mouthpiece for the �Iraqi Jihad� insurgent movement. For IDJ�s webmaster, Fazul Al-Din, the decrease in traffic has taken a personal toll.
Nov 18, 2004, 18:02
Oakland Raiders Play Nursing Home, Lose
A once proud, now dejected Raider Nation watched today as their beloved football team put on an exhibition game with a local geriatric care facility, and lost. In an impressive display of strength, speed, stamina, and strategy, the Nazareth House Catholic nursing home of Marin, California, soundly defeated them 52-3, scoring seven touchdowns and a field goal against the one-time Super Bowl contenders.
Nov 17, 2004, 10:43
Bat Boy Identified as Lost Child Actor Richie Rich
Carlsbad, New Mexico - In the early morning hours of Wednesday, Carlsbad emergency services responded to a 911 call in the 1200 block of East Summerset Ave. Upon arrival police witnessed the reclusive celebrity known as "Bat Boy" engaging in disorderly conduct. He was arrested for possession of drug parafanalia and second degree assault against.
Nov 16, 2004, 14:01
Dumb People Encouraged to Talk Less
University of Washington researchers have been on the verge of a breakthrough in the study of "dumb people" since the initiation of the study in January, 1999. Researchers believe they can raise the intelligence of subjects by 10-12 points if they could just get them to stop talking, which as yet, they cannot.
Nov 15, 2004, 14:51
Tractor Fails to Haul Grain, Cattle, Ass
I know tractors aren't built for speed as much as power, but when it comes to the only one I can find in my size, I'd like it to at least haul something. Abandon your misplaced expectations of horsepower, because junior workhorse don't got no ponies. Where levers tapping torque galore should be, I find only a pair of me-powered pedals.
Nov 15, 2004, 11:01
Humble Chapel Sadly Downsized
In these budget shortfall days of dwindling cash reserves and perpetually tightening purse strings, churches are now feeling the squeeze quite literally. But as congregations shrink it's good to know that shrunken churches are still around too.
Nov 14, 2004, 10:54
John Ashcroft Resigns to Personally Hunt bin Laden
Attorney General John Ashcroft announced his resignation yesterday and was met with a chorus of cheers from Americans hoping that would mean an end to government tyranny and a restoration of civil liberties. Ashcroft, for his part, has promised that he will �spend every waking moment for the rest of however long it takes� to personally hunt down and kill terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden.
Nov 13, 2004, 13:20
Flightless Bird Conservatory All Steel, No Feathers
Man has long looked skyward in admiration of our feathered counterparts of winged flappy grace. The Museum of Flight, however, pays little tribute to God's natural aeronaughts but focuses instead on people who fly... Um, people can fly? They've got gliders, whirly birds, space capsules and chopped up jet liners gruesomely dissected for scientific study. Good thing they're not real birds.
Nov 13, 2004, 11:04
God's Will Triumphs in Election
Well, what can I say without betraying my Christian humility? We won! That�s simple enough and not too haughty. We won! We won big time. We didn�t just win the Presidency; we won the Senate, the House and even the Supreme Court. Those idiot Founders who believed in a �separation of powers� can suck on it, now. They were probably just a bunch of elitists from New England anyway.
Nov 12, 2004, 23:55
Baby Still Too Cute to Smother
Since his uber-ballyhoo'd arrival in our hearts and office I've been looking for a way to reclaim some of my stolen attention back from Dominic. One clever way I came up with was to smother him, but he was just too cute. Now, with attention shifting ever more to his bizarre, infantile antics, my cunning devices have resurfaced. Mine is a viable plan and I wouldn't even be tried as an adult.
Nov 12, 2004, 10:38
Bullets of Grief Still Dangerous
Long time Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat died yesterday at a French military hospital at 3:30am local time. A wave of grief swept the West Bank and Gaza Strip as thousands rushed into the streets wailing and clasping at pictures of the former PLO leader. Gunmen fired into the air, killing dozens.
Nov 11, 2004, 15:31
Virus Generation for the Common Man
Some traditionalists might prefer to burn the midnight oil and wrestle with complicated programming script to create their masterpiece of doom, however, with VirusGen 2005 Microsoft has removed the mystique that surrounded computer virus creation and made it available to the common man.
Nov 11, 2004, 07:41
Suha Arafat, the Arab Anna Nicole Smith
For more than a week now, Suha Arafat has been playing two parts. First, the part of the soon-to-be-grieving widow of a mass-murdering Palestinian leader. Second, the part of a soon-to-be-inheriting over $500 million hold hard cash over a cold hard carcus, and somewhat grieving widow. She has played the second part much better than the first.
Nov 10, 2004, 13:29
Tongue Ring Defines Yankability
Whether pant legs, necklaces or forbidden goods atop the counters, there's no doubt I've blossomed into a real yanker. But there's nothing quite so yankable as my latest discovery, the tongue ring.
Nov 10, 2004, 04:10
Nation's Liberals Momentarily Stop Crying
After having spent several days curled up in a fetal position silently weeping to old Rod Stewart albums, the nation's liberals today finally stuck their heads out of their communal living quarters, blinked away the several days sans sunlight and began the process of doing what it is they do best, living guilt-ridden quietly indignant lives of great offense reacting to whatever their political opposites say or do.
Nov 9, 2004, 17:27
Disneyland Resort to Open in Jerusalem
�It has to be the happiest place on Earth,� said Michael Eisner. �Three major world religions all claim it as their own and that doesn't even count Disney! Three world religions plus Disney can�t all be wrong, and we want to be there to cash in on that innate sense of joy. For that reason, among other con$iderations, I am proud to announce that we will be opening a new Disneyland Resort in the timeless, conveniently located city of Jerusalem.�
Nov 9, 2004, 16:21
Fair Game Unfair; Sunk Money Not Balls
We had a swell time at the Evergreen State Fair last Monday in Monroe. There were plenty of highlights and lowlifes, but no combination so rich and poor as the unbearable ball toss. I say unbearable because it's impossible to win the bear.
Nov 8, 2004, 22:14
Visited Set of 'Tool' Rock Video
I'd never heard of the multi-platinum alternative band called Tool, but people of parental age who suffered through the Grunge Depression of the 90s apparently do, all too well... Poor Daddy-O.
Nov 7, 2004, 06:09
Interview w/ Fossy Ryan, Director of Bullets Over Breakfast
It's not every day Glossy News has a chance to chat with up-and/or-coming directors, though it may be about once a week. We finagled a rare opportunity to rap with Ryan Foss, director of the critically acclaimed Bullets Over Breakfast, produced by Quantum Petshop.
Nov 6, 2004, 14:11
General Blames Abuse on Bad Prom Nights
In an impromptu interview given to put current public questions of American soldiers� behavior at Abu Ghraib to rest, Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller laid out for reporters the believed causes of prisoner abuse at the Abu Ghraib detention facility. Discussing as well future plans for the facility, he acknowledged that the world was stunned both by pictures and reports of prisoner mistreatment in the past months.
Nov 5, 2004, 13:13
Best Halloween Costumes You Missed
Halloween has passed and you and your little Bo peep costume won your blue ribbon, but it's not too soon to start thinking about next year. From soup to nuts, check out what costumes won our top prizes year and are sure to be top winners in '05.
Nov 5, 2004, 04:52
Monty Python Sues Arafat for Copyright Infringement
The British comedy troupe Monty Python brought suit against Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat�s estate today citing copyright infringement. The Palestinian leader has been in Paris for days now suffering from a deadly unknown malady. It was widely reported earlier today that Arafat had passed away, only to have those same reports denied mere hours later.
Nov 4, 2004, 17:12
Man Attempts to Vaccinate PC
With the U.S. government spending millions of dollars to scare the general public into getting their individual doses of the scarce flu vaccine, one man has taken his quest for immunization into the digital realm. Or at least, he�s tried. To that end, Percival Greely of Corvallis, Oregon, has been attempting to immunize his computer.
Nov 4, 2004, 14:08
Kerry Concedes Defeat with "Theme from Shaft"
In the final days before the election, the Kerry Campaign had launched its most negative ad campaign to date. In an attempt to mock Bush and appeal to the MTV demographics, Kerry set his accusations about the Bush Administration to music, using the �Theme From Shaft�. The spot never got to run and the Bush Camp was disheartened. Kerry simply adapted it for use in his telephone call conceding defeat.
Nov 3, 2004, 18:35
Mardi Gras Grips Fallujah
A very belated (or possibly very early) Mardi Gras has come to the beleaguered Iraqi city of Fallujah for the first time in history. The city, formerly a hotbed of anti-American insurgent activity, is now feeling the pressure of tons of beads and liberated Muslim breasts.
Nov 3, 2004, 14:47
Drug Addict Accidentally Vaccinates Self
Intravenous drug users and flu victims alike have their pushers, who are both similar and different at the same time. The difficult (to those high on drugs) part is deciding exactly which is which. Here is the story of one such victim of circumstance. "I thought that dude in the white lab coat might be screwing [with] me", stated a quite healthy looking David Arkam.
Nov 2, 2004, 15:45
Saddam's Torture Bar & Grill Embraces New Management
When the White House proclaimed that Saddam Hussein�s torture chambers were closed forever, Americans rightly rejoiced. The people of Iraq were left scratching their heads, wondering where they would turn for brutal interrogations, but they can rest easy knowing that the torture isn't gone, it�s just under new management.
Nov 2, 2004, 08:01
Insurgent Fails to Take Hostage, Threatens to Behead Self
Tikrit, Iraq - Ali Omar al-Dalharni is a man hopelessly dedicated to his cause. The Syrian-born insurgent has made his way hundreds of miles to Saddam Hussein�s hometown of Tikrit to fight against the infidel Americans. Like thousands, his weapon is terror. It was his intent to take a hostage and demand coalition forces retreat, or he would behead the hostage.
Nov 1, 2004, 10:12
Osama, Insurgent Costumes Big Hit Halloween
At thousands of Wal-Marts and Spencer's Gifts stores across the country, millions of the nation's children are begging their parents to let them dress up as Osama bin Laden or an Iraqi insurgent. Parents are concerned but sympathetic, understanding that the bearded maniac is, in fact, on a certain level, "one scary dude."
Oct 30, 2004, 13:09
Listen Lady, I Hardly Know You
isn't the first time a four-legged girl put her tongue on me, but it was still awkward, unwelcome and totally sloppy. I was hanging out with MissLissa and her roommate the other day. Me and the roomy have always been friendly and I think she's had a thing for me for some time. I didn't see an intimate moment coming, but then out of nowhere she planted a very wet one on me. All over my face actually.
Oct 29, 2004, 20:10
President Bush Astounds United Nations
President Bush shocked the United Nations General Assembly today with a fifteen minute speech in which he used swear words, obscure Texas euphamisms, and ethnic- and racial-slurs no les than 318 times. U.N. historians say that a speech of kind is unprecedented.
Oct 29, 2004, 10:12
BoSox Win: Jesus Saves
Hoping to fend off the ghost of Babe Ruth, Boston Red Sox management calls down Jesus from the Heavenly leagues. Jesus goes 2-4, pitches two scoreless innings and helps the BoSox win their first Series in 86 years. Red Sox fans celebrated their team�s triumphant victory all across the streets of Boston, leaving Chicago Cub fans as the last cursed losers in the sport of baseball.
Oct 28, 2004, 13:33
Jihad Finally Answers Osama's Call
For years, Osama bin Laden has been calling for Jihad against the west, and receiving only busy signal after busy signal, day after day from the speaker on his satellite phone. Some have blamed Osama's waning success on poor health, poor image or poor hygiene. Recently, however, Osama made that call yet again, only time, Jihad answered the call leading experts to believe that cave technology has advanced and that Jihad is indeed on the line.
Oct 28, 2004, 10:00
Man Jailed for Providing Account of Game without Express Written Consent
Thomas Wiggins, of Lincoln, Nebraska, was jailed yesterday and is awaiting trial on charges of providing an account of an NFL game without the league�s express written consent. If convicted, he could face up to 40 years in a federal penitentiary.
Oct 27, 2004, 11:03
U.S. Navy Makes Skirts Optional
The U.S. Navy has just passed an order making skirts optional for women. They may now elect to wear either a skirt, or nothing at all, an option which has become very popular among male sailors in the fleet. �I love it that some of my fellow sailors � at least, the chick ones � can now go bottomless. It�s so much less restricting, you know,� commented one Seaman First Class Lawrence D. Bates.
Oct 27, 2004, 00:53
Fat Child Chosen First At Dodgeball
Ashley, IL--Local fat child Ritchie Phelps, 10, astonished his fellow Ashley Elementary students and members of the Physical Education staff when he was chosen first for a game of Dodgeball by Yellow Team Captain James Carpenter.
Oct 26, 2004, 07:17
Railway Murder Rampant, Fun
When I found out we were going to hop aboard the Spirit of Washington Dinner Train, I was understandably alarmed. They see a dozen murders a night and nobody goes to jail, so how do they get away with murder and why would I ever want to take part?
Oct 25, 2004, 01:07
Review; Yellow Dello DVD
I'm sure everyone who had the opportunity saw Yellow Dello in the theaters did so, but now that the full-featured DVD is available the film is ready to be reviewed afresh. If you're a fan of the Brothers Chaps or any full-featured DVD one's not to be missed.
Oct 24, 2004, 01:53
Agri-tourism Bad for Agora-tourists
With Halloween looming ever-closer, we needed to take steps to protect our home from ghosts, goblins, witches and less-than-diligent trick-or-treaters. Jack-o-lanterns are a good first step, so we naturally hit the punkin' patch. I'd never heard of agri-tourism before, but then again I'd never heard of agriculture, so whattaya know? Even without my endorsement and approval, agri-tourism is doing just fine for me... Not so much for agoraphobics.
Oct 23, 2004, 02:30
Cuban Expats and USA Welcomes Fall of Castro
After years of sanctions, bluster, and posturing America's number one nemesis has fallen. News of Cuban leader Fidel Castro's fall has excited US State Department officals and Cuban expatriates alike.
Oct 22, 2004, 20:12
P&G Releases Testosterone Patch, AKA "Spanish Fly"
In a surprise move today, Proctor & Gamble announced the release of a new testosterone patch intended to increase the libido of post-menopausal women. Its greatest impact however, appears to be in the high school and college sector among single men attempting to guarantee sex. The testosterone patch, which is applied directly to exposed skin, increases female libido four-fold, making sex almost a sure thing, even for members of the chess club.
Oct 22, 2004, 09:53
Man Mixes ED Pills, Grows New Genitalia
Earlier week in College Station, Texas, Dan Johnson, a sophomore at Texas A&M University decided that he was going to blow the sox off of his girlfriend, Beth Madson, with a stallion-like display of sexual prowess. To that end, the second-year Art History major swallowed one tablet each of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, washed them down with a glass of tequila, and promptly grew a second complete set of genitalia.
Oct 21, 2004, 17:20
Third Party Candidates Come Together, Form Superhero
In an effort to stop the overwhelming corruption caused by America's two-party system, six of the most prominent third party-affiliated politicians met Thursday to discuss plans to get their voices heard on the national stage. "We may not agree on any issues whatsoever," says former Green Party flunky Ralph Nader. "But we do agree on one issue. The two current parties in power are not cool at all. Our nation�s collective mellow has been continually harshed on an almost daily basis. They need to be stopped."
Oct 21, 2004, 12:52
Chris Matthews Covers Election, Head Explodes
Early morning, MSNBC�s Hardball anchorman, Chris Matthews, suffered what doctors are calling, �an acute rapid expansion of the cranium.� In short, his head exploded. The explosion is not being blamed on terrorist activity at time. Matthews was last seen interviewing college students at Arizona State University with questions such as: �George Bush ruined the economy, yes, or no? ANSWER! Okay, you! John Kerry is going to raise taxes on all of us, yes or no? TIME�S UP! You! George Bush is� Bush� aaahhhhh! [Boom.]�
Oct 20, 2004, 16:10
Lotto: A Cheap Investment in Hope
As I left the corner store today, I crossed paths with the Lotto Guy. I'd never met jovial man before, but his smile was welcoming and we exchanged pleasantries. It got me wondering � what's got him in such a fine disposition? I've never appreciated gambling. I grew up in a state that prohibited gambling. When it came around it was considered an ugly thing. The only winners you'd ever meet were widely known as gambling addicts who not only lost more than they ever won, but in fact usually lost everything they had or could manage to borrow.
Oct 20, 2004, 08:30
Addict Proud of Weight Loss, Mystified by Hair, Tooth Loss
Miranda Jacobs, an Oakland, California, drug addict, has been bragging since Tuesday about her superficially remarkable ability to go from a size 16 to a size 6 in only four brief weeks, but now puzzles over her multi-day bout of insomnia and seemingly rampant tooth and hair loss.
Oct 19, 2004, 17:29
News Radio All Teasers, Ads, No News
For those of you in Seattle who regularly listen to KOMO News Radio 1000, please read the headline only and discount the rest of article. KOMO News Radio 1000 in Seattle, Washington, has long touted themselves as the premiere source for news, traffic and weather, but since the close of the baseball season, their format has reverted to the worst of commercial venture.
Oct 19, 2004, 11:08
Name Deemed "Too Black," Rescinded
Patrice and Jamaal Washington of Atlanta Georgia were proud, beaming new parents one moment, flabbergasted citizens the next. It seems that the International Afro-American Caucus (IAAC), upon hearing the name that the Washingtons had choosen for their new baby girl, declared it, �much too black,� and demanded that a new name be instituted immediately.
Oct 18, 2004, 13:05
Alf Discusses Career in Pornography
From Anal Loving Furries to Aliens Love Fellatio, ALF is reinventing himself � as a porn star. �It doesn�t matter if they�re furry alien creatures or human males � all men love nookie. I�ve been trying to get my friend Tony the Tiger to do it for ages,� commented ALF. The smart-alecky former children�s sitcom star explains just what made him move into new world of smut film-making.
Oct 18, 2004, 07:21
Anti-Kerry Film Faces Flaccid Competition
Sometime before the election, the media conglomerate known as the Sinclair Broadcasting Group will force the airing of their political reaction to Fahrenheit 9/11. The decidedly anti-Kerry slanted film, "Stolen Honor: Wounds that Never Heal," will air across 62 television stations around the nation. While Sinclair intended to infiltrate a captive audience, they clearly failed to consider what their chosen time-slot competition would be.
Oct 17, 2004, 12:16
Chewbacca to Host Daytime Talk Show
UPN announced today that famous, furry playboy, Chewbacca will soon be hosting his own regular one-hour daytime talk show. Some of UPNs other hit shows include Eve, Girlfriends, Half-and-Half, and their flagship series, Star Trek: Enterprise. In keeping with UPNs standards of programming, it is expected that Today with Chewie will, in all likelihood, suck with the best of them.
Oct 16, 2004, 15:14
Fall Has Fallen
Look at lovely weather we're having on dreary and typical September day. It's as if the lazy, muggy days of summer have passed and fall has fallen harder than Chicken Little's blue sky.
Oct 16, 2004, 05:46
Random House Releases Shakespeare in NIV Editions
Random House Publishers of New York City have taken a huge step towards bringing the works of William Shakespeare to the notoriously lazy readers of the United States. The New International Versions of Shakespeare�s works were inspired by the success of the conversion of King James to NIV, �dumbing down� the Bible. Critics are as eager as grooms on their wedding nights.
Oct 15, 2004, 06:59
Dangerous Increase in Maize-Holing Among Cherokees
The Cherokee Nation, conveniently landlocked in Oklahoma since 1884, has seen an explosion in cases of septic illnesses in the last three years, which studies attribute to a marked rise in maize-holing.
Oct 15, 2004, 01:23
New Guy Earns Post-It Pointers a Plenty
Okay, I'm an elder and a mentor now so I've got a real responsibility on my mini-mitts. I know I left him out there a bit in the past, but he's come through like a champ and I'm ready to catch him up.
Oct 14, 2004, 05:38
Kerry Dodges Question, Hits Head on Podium
Yesterday in Tempe, Arizona, presidential candidate and rigor mortis survivor John Kerry sustained a mild concussion and abrasion to his forehead when he dodged a debate question and hit his giant head on the podium. Senator Kerry immediately demanded a fourth Purple Heart.
Oct 14, 2004, 05:34
Move Over, Tony Soprano, Here Come the Jeremiahs
In the wake of the overwhelming success of television's, The Sopranos, HBO has decided to commission a new TV series focusing on a community of Amish people - primarily the Jeremiahs - in Spakfilla, Pennsylvania.
Oct 13, 2004, 16:01
DuPont Unveils Semi-Permanent Condom
Are you one of those men women hate to love and love to hate who is always fit to find some nookie? Then DuPont�s new EnduraCondom may be just what the county health doctor ordered. No more fumbling in your wallet for that year-old Trojan with long-dead spermicide � just drop your trousers to your knees or ankles and you�re good to go.
Oct 13, 2004, 10:04
Extreme Tape-Overs a Big Hit
With reality shows far surpassing reality in popularity, the staff at Perplexing Times just had to pitch our own show. We'd love a new house, new car or to be stranded on a desert island with no food or water, but we'd certainly settle for a tape-over.
Oct 12, 2004, 23:32
Chargers Pout, Refuse to Play
The San Diego Chargers announced today that they will �stand right here and pout� until the city agrees to build them a new stadium. There is at present nothing wrong with Qualcomm stadium, where games have been played since 1967.
Oct 12, 2004, 17:46
Ronald McDonald Summarily Executes Hamburglar
San Jose, CA - "He just snapped," stated witness Chester Weinberger of Texas, referring to Ronald McDonald's Pulp Fictionesque execution of his one-time friend and staple slapstick character, the Hamburglar.
Oct 11, 2004, 17:42
Here's Hoping Paypal Uses Google for Customer Service
I'm not one for public displays of profanity, but lordy friggin' God almighty, what does it take to reach these people? Ma Bell and Pa Gore haven't been any help, so all I can hope is that somebody over there follows Google news. Maybe publishing my troubles will help, but I remain skeptical.
Oct 11, 2004, 09:38
Fish, Fish Everywhere N' Not a Chip w/ Ketchup
We went out for fish yesterday and I was ready to one-little-piggy out. When we arrived at the Seattle aquarium on pier 59, I found 30,000 gilled flippery-do's but nary an ounce of tarter sauce in sight. I've enjoyed spying colorful fish I couldn't eat before, but place had tons of them ranging from pretty little things to pretty big things. Scary, cool, invisible and vibrant just as a start.
Oct 10, 2004, 09:06
Mount St. Helens Throws Hissy-Fit, Demands Media Attention
For the second time in less than a week, America�s infamous Mt. St. Helens reared her previously beautiful, now blown off, granite head, forcing Americans to come to grips with polarizing issue of where they stand on volcanic eruptions. The mountain let forth with two minor eruptions, heartening those who live off of the tourist trade, and dashing the hopes of the geologists who monitor her.
Oct 9, 2004, 06:01
Martha Stewart Imprisoned, Immediately Shivs Cellmate
Martha Stewart, home-making maven extraordinaire, arrived at Alderson Federal Prison Camp early Friday, October 8. After trading in her civilian clothes for prison-issue khaki trousers and black steel-toed boots, Federal inmate No. 55170-054 was shown to her cell, whereupon she immediately pulled out a previously concealed shiv and stabbed her bunkmate three times in the abdomen before being subdued by surprised prison guards.
Oct 8, 2004, 22:12
Bush/Saudi Families Announce Merger
Washington DC - In an early morning press conference today, George W. Bush, CEO of the United States, announced the completion of a merger between his own family and the multi-billion dollar conglomerate operating under the trade name "the Saudi family".
Oct 8, 2004, 07:06
90 Year Old Triathlete "Can't Believe Sheeyat"
An open letter to the management, by Max Springer. Every year I compete in the USA Master�s Indoor Track and Field Championship, and every year, you guys make sure to send out a reporter too new to be given a real story to cover. Every year that reporter writes some lame-ass headline. That headline is always something stupid based off my last name and age.
Oct 7, 2004, 15:05
Coca-Cola C2, the Wrath of Can
Alright, if you corporate-type guys have enough faith in your product to spend millions of dollars deluging me with commercials, I guess I can at least try a can of your goods. Just, please � don�t let be another travesty like Vanilla Coke.
Oct 7, 2004, 04:27
Bush Popularity Falling; 10/11 Scheduled
After more than twenty years in the Senate, John Kerry (D � Ma.) is looking good and gaining ground in the polls on the democrats� bid for the Presidency. Bush, hoping to ward off competition, has pointed to success in Iraq, hypothetical improvements to the economy, and an undeniable growth in the campaign finance industry. However, today�s voters need more before they�ll grant a landslide victory in the coming election. Bush believes that he knows what they need.
Oct 6, 2004, 15:21
Dangerfield Dead at 82, Corpse Gets No Respect
Wrinkled, old, bug-eyed sack of crap Rodney Dangerfield surrendered to the kicking of his bucket yesterday due to complications from heart surgery. His bloated, zombie-clown post-mortem appearance indicated both that it came as no surprise to him, and that he indeed died as he lived; very, very creepy.
Oct 6, 2004, 05:10
Disneyland Added to "Trifecta of Evil"
Iran. North Korea. Disneyland. What do they have in common? They are all part of President George W. Bush�s updated �Axis of Evil,� which, due to the non-linear geography of these three nuisances, has been re-labeled, the �Trifecta of Evil.�
Oct 5, 2004, 17:22
National Park Service to Revise Security Procedures at Independence Historical Park
Philadelphia, PA � The National Park Service has released tentative plans for new security procedures aimed at protecting the nation's most revered icons during the upcoming terrorist season in Philadelphia.
Oct 5, 2004, 09:00
Microsoft Unveils Windows Vegas�
Redmond, Washington, based Microsoft Corporation shocked the computer world today by releasing the latest version of its Windows product line, Windows Vegas. radically new operating system blindsided the community, which had been expecting the release of what had been dubbed �Windows Longhorn� next year. It now appears that the entire �Longhorn� propaganda campaign was nothing more than a well-played decoy.
Oct 4, 2004, 16:13
Putin Tired of Mnemonic Jokes
Vladimir Putin found himself thrust into the limelight in recent weeks due to child slaughtering terrorists and revolutionary Russian militia. Political pressure has been alleviated due largely to jokes at the expense of Mr. Putin's name. He has formally denounced these jokes as �childish and simplistic.�
Oct 4, 2004, 16:12
SpaceShipOne Achieves Historic First, Few Care
Mojave, California � A stubby rocket plane, dubbed SpaceShipOne, today claimed the $10 million purse of the Ansari X-Prize, an award given to the first privately-funded group to reach 62.5 miles (outer space) twice in two weeks, carrying a payload of three passengers or their equivalent weight. Despite noble endeavor, scientists have detected that painfully few people, if any, actually care.
Oct 4, 2004, 13:22
Stalker Vampire Kitty Surfaces in Photo
Just yesterday, I was doing my aerobics at the park. I work out all the time between my busy writing and editorial responsibilities here at the paper, so I thought nothing off it. It wasn't until morning when reviewing the daily photos that I learned I'd been stalked.
Oct 3, 2004, 12:26
Texas Rangers "Broken Bat Night" Meets Complaints, Lawsuits
In their final home game of the season, the Texas Rangers promotional give away, �Broken Bat Night,� was a mixed success. The first 20,000 fans received a genuine, pointy, heavy broken bat.
Oct 3, 2004, 10:30
North Korea Glad to Bear Nukes, Not Oil
For fifty years, North Koreans have criticized their prehistoric ancestors for not having the foresight to allow vast numbers of dinosaurs to live � and more importantly, to die � on their peninsula. However, it now appears that the tide has turned, as what once equaled dependence on Russian fuel has ultimately led to a reprieve from the curiously ambitious Bush �Mach 2� regime.
Oct 2, 2004, 15:23
Bush Loses Debate, Wins Eye-Rolling Contest
Following last night�s presidential debate, all spectators declared that while Bush had lost the debating portion of the debate, he was the clear winner of the eye-rolling contest. Between the off-topic insults, the double talk, and the insistence that Poland was critical in pursuing the war in Iraq.
Oct 1, 2004, 08:07
Space Alien Jim Lehrer Wins Presidential Debate
Thursday nights presidential debate left most viewers with a distaste for the same sound bite rhetoric they've heard for months. The surprise winner according to follow-up polls is news correspondent and noted space alien Jim Lehrer.
Oct 1, 2004, 00:20
Study Finds, "Chicks are Psycho"
An all-male research team at Princeton university released the findings of a 30-year study week. lifetime of research was gathered by five men who describe themselves as �healthy, stable, and well-balanced.� Rufus Twilling, one of the researchers, adds, �We�re not misogynists, I swear.�
Sep 30, 2004, 19:53
�Hugs, Not Drugs� Less Successful than �BJs for Crack�
Hollywood, CA � Since 2001, the city of Hollywood and the OMDCP have been pushing the �Hugs, Not Drugs,� campaign at a total cost of nearly $18 million as of the last fiscal year. Yet, despite increased vice patrol and several outreach programs, statistics still indicate a sharp increase in �BJs for Crack.�
Sep 30, 2004, 04:09
Pocket Bikes Mega Fun for Mini-Journalist
Glossy News ran a piece sometime back about pocket bikes, the motorized race bikes built with shortlings in mind. Not one to let current affairs slip by me, I checked them out and, oh Mama, I've discovered the root of all machismo tucked neatly into a $200 package.
Sep 29, 2004, 21:41
Most Teen Males Unaware Teen Sex on the Rise
Many surveys, studies, and reports have shown a sharp increase in teenage sex since 2003. Matt Jacobson, a sophomore at Jefferson High School in Sacramento, California, argues that teenage sex is not on any kind of rise, and that, in fact, it may not exist at all.
Sep 29, 2004, 06:05
Punk Band Covers Denver, Fails to Appeal to Anyone
Whoya Botch, an up-and-coming punk band from San Diego, California, narrowly missed a sellout spot on the Pepsi Smash unreality tour summer, but still managed to carve out their own niche in music infamy. Their latest single, with riffs ripped from the music of John Denver, is titled "I'm Rocky Mountain High." It is fast, furious, punk-ish and totally blows.
Sep 28, 2004, 05:20
It Takes a (Value) Village
Kids are pricey. Forget the jillion dollars it costs for birth and think instead of the clothes to wear, toys to bash, and videos to babysit. With these expenses no living human can be expected to raise a child without help from the (value) village.
Sep 27, 2004, 17:38
Vedder Sings Cat's "Don't Be Shy", Declared a Terrorist
Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam joined representative Jim McDermott (D-WA) to kick off the No Vote Left Behind campaign Friday in Seattle, Washington. The band performed the song Even Flow from their debut album Ten and front man Eddie Vedder also regrettably sang a solo cover of Cat Stevens' "Don't be shy".
Sep 26, 2004, 22:59
Internet Renders Females Obsolete Among Men and Their Best Friends
When Al Gore invented the Internet in 1492, he apparently had just one thing in mind, if 80% of the spam in my inbox is any indication. That one thing would be hot �virgin� teens having promiscuous, anonymous sex with entire neighborhoods of men and their canine friends. It�s powerful Internet trend that has brought about a possible end to the need for the fairer sex for both mankind and dogkind alike.
Sep 26, 2004, 10:14
Limbaugh Admits Addiction to Black Male Athletes
Rush Limbaugh kicked off his second shocking personal problem week by admitting his real life love-hate relationship suffering from "LOMBAS", also known as "Love of Male Black Athletes Sydrome". "I admit my comments about Donovan McNabb were uncalled for" the conservative pundit spoke solemnly.
Sep 25, 2004, 08:56
White Boy Refuses To Play Funky Music
NORMAN, OKLAHOMA -- In a rare display of defiance, local white boy David McReynolds, 17, refused to play funky music when his racially eclectic group of friends requested it. Experts fear that if word of radical departure from tradition gets out, it may change the face of homecoming and holiday dances forever.
Sep 24, 2004, 16:01
Parents Unsuccessfully Push Cowboy Role
I'm young and probably don't know better, but it's no matter. What I need is education and support not tight directional pointing and career-type pigeonholing. In other words, the hat's cute and all but don't decide for me what I'll be. I know dad thinks I'm a journalist, and in the regard that I spew out random "who knows what" willy-nilly without research, I suppose me and him both are.
Sep 24, 2004, 03:30
Ichiro Slumps with Only 4 Hits
Ichiro Suzuki went 4 for 6 with one walk in the Mariners 16-6 spanking over the Annaheim Angels Thursday night. Ichiro apologized saying "I wasn't seeing the ball well." Ichiro only batted .666 for the game with one RBI and one walk. His fielding and base running were flawless, yet Ichiro had no choice but to offer his apology.
Sep 23, 2004, 07:43
Film "Dirty Pretty Things", Plenty Pretty, Barely Dirty
BBC Films sponsored one of the very few English language films starring French film Goddess Audrey Tautou. film proves that whether a bob-brandishing debutante or Turkish Muslim Virgin defiled, she can carry any film into success and any mans heart.
Sep 23, 2004, 03:58
Mrs. Anthrax & Dr. Germ Released, Duchess Nukem Still Held
Terrorists have taken and beheaded two American hostages demanding the release of several key biological warfare suspects. To protest hostage-taking, allies refused to release Rihab Taha and Huda Ammash until after the hostages were killed.
Sep 22, 2004, 07:17
Birthday Antics Literally Take the Cake
When I got up in the morning I was pretty excited. The birthday party fairy came overnight and left me everything I needed for my own extra party. Then, I find out it's somebody else's birthday, not mine. Then, to add in spit to bakery, birthday boy bit the big one, cake that is.
Sep 22, 2004, 03:24
Boone's Batting, Temper Fall Off, 'Roid Deficiency Blamed
Bret Boone of the Seattle Mariners is living the third generation of baseball legacy in the foot shadows of father Bob Boone and Grand Papa Ray Boone. Since 2001, however, his batting average has fallen as has is 'roid-like rage. Bret Boone has been a major leaguer since 1992. From 1995 (his first full year) through 2000 he never batted over .267 In 2001, however, his size, speed, strength, and anger took a huge jump.
Sep 21, 2004, 08:01
Bush Forgets to Bless America, Crowd Waits Hours
President Bush left a crowd standing in the rain for nearly two hours today after forgetting to end a campaign speech with the phrase 'God Bless America'. Bush was speaking to a right-wing organization called National Union for Traditional Standards. According to audience members, the president delivered an exceptional speech that had the crowd on its feet, but when he said "thank you for your time" and left the stage, the audience assumed he would return.
Sep 21, 2004, 03:26
Pornoscopes in Jive
For all our multi-cultural readers frustrated by a lack of properly-fitting horoscopes, our own resident astrologist ZoJack has another installment of carefully tailored readings just for you, whomevery you may be... that is, of course, assuming your a jive talking adult film star.
Sep 20, 2004, 23:23
Culkin So High, Didn't Know He Was in Oklahoma
Macaulay Culkin, long the idol of Jacksonian worship, has reached new highs in his career and physiology week with his drug arrest in, of all places, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Culkin made no comment about the status as star-turned-felon putting him among the ranks of OJ, Zsa-Zsa and Kimberly from Diff'rent Strokes, but looked as terrible in his booking photo as any of them.
Sep 20, 2004, 02:11
Babies Allegedly Fragile
Hey, I'm no big dummyhead. I know that there's a bunch of stuff in my world that's fragile. Glassware, non-plastic plates, mom or dad's collectibles, any combination of sandwiches, the floor and the DVD player. But now you tell me babies are fragile? Woah, stop the presses!
Sep 19, 2004, 17:12
Man Placed on Gun-Wait Goes Beserk, Shoots Up Store
Lamington, Louisiana -- Tom Woolsey appeared at Evian's Munitions Store yesterday and attempted to purchase a rifle, but when the store clerk called the FBI's National Instant Criminal Check ("NICS") system the operator said Woolsey would have to wait a minimum of three days pending "further investigation".
Sep 18, 2004, 13:54
Spiderman Crushed at Capitol
A man dressed as Spiderman climbs the US Capitol Building to protest the war in Iraq, copycatting Britain's Batman protestor, showing how easily a superhero can thwart the power of federal buildings.
Sep 17, 2004, 07:44
I Got A Lov-a-ly Bunch of Chicken Pox
Medical science, you wicked old Stockholm dungeon master, you've done it to me once again. I got an immunization shot to forever protect me from chicken pox, yet here I am just two weeks later with a pan-body spattering or red dots and a fever to boot. (oh, and picture here is actually a "chicken box", but you get the idea.)
Sep 17, 2004, 04:21
"Your Rights in the Workplace" Shows Rights, Wrongs, and Gray Maybes
Seven months back I was fired from a job, wrongly as I saw it (and the ever-more-strict State Department of Unemployment agreed) but I didn't know what to do about it. I bought the best book on the matter and launched my attack on the dictatorial regime of Barton Protective Services armed with knowledge.
Sep 16, 2004, 16:17
Escape Tactics No Match for Needle-Bearing Doctor
We've been in to see doctor lady before, but it was always about checking up on Mr. Benjamin. I thought she was nice but time she had shots for me and running and hiding wasn't the least I could do, it was the most.
Sep 16, 2004, 04:04
Ovaltine Revealed to Contain Traces of Cocaine, Nicotine, Rich Chocolatey Goodness
Every morning when Timmy, 6, wakes up he walks down from his bedroom to the kitchen where he is greeted by two tall glasses of Ovaltine on the kitchen table, both of which he greedily quaffs. "I don't even try talking to him until he's downed at least one glass", says his mother, Mary, "Because he can be a real ass before he gets his morning fix."
Sep 15, 2004, 09:40
Clandestine Cabinet Shortening Leads to Increased Discipline
I've written plenty of pieces on the many advantages of me growing or other stuff shrinking, but the tables have turned as surely as the table has turned shorter, and now stuff shrinking in my world has gotten me into trouble.
Sep 15, 2004, 06:57
Glossy News Seeks New "Photoshop Guy"
Glossy News has earned a reputation over the past 28 months as a premiere source of satire and spoof news. We've given more than 50 writers a place to publish, and now we need help from you, Photoshop Guy, if you're willing and able to pitch in. (We could also use another editor.)
Sep 14, 2004, 10:53
Drowning Avoided as Diaper Absorbs Entire* Pool
Swimming pools can be fun but they're also very dangerous. If you don't believe me, just ask any insurance agent how he or she feels about it. My own sure peril was narrowly avoided by the Luv I keep tucked in my shorts.
Sep 14, 2004, 07:08
Terrorist Almost Downs Plane with Cell Phone
A suspected member of Al Qaeda almost brought down United fight 823 today by ignoring flight attendent warnings to "turn off cell phones and all other electronic devices".
Sep 13, 2004, 16:18
Dear Mr. Bonds, Give Us the Asterisk
At age 40 Barry Bonds is almost assured to break the record 755 career home runs, but is an open letter from a true baseball fan to a true legend. One who's record will require an asterisk, whether it ever gets one or not.
Sep 13, 2004, 15:03
Staff Demands to F the S out of New Receptionist
Penny King has only worked at Central Fabrication & Machining since last Monday but has already managed to draw admirers throughout the small company. Though not interested in dating anyone in her workplace, Ms. King has definitely drawn physical attention from coworkers.
Sep 12, 2004, 14:16
Photoshop Outperforms Rogaine for Bald Brother
Brother Patrick (aka Noisy Yappyman, aka "the nap ruiner", AKA Handsome Devil) has long suffered from alopecia. No, it's not chemo- or radiation therapy, nor is he afflicted with cancer or the myriad other ailments that cause hair loss. What he suffers from is no more than hair absentia, but he needs suffer no longer.
Sep 11, 2004, 21:00
Guantanamo Theater Presents: Driving Mr. bin Laden
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - The newly recruited chauffeur is a modern Muslim and al-Qaeda neophyte. The curmudgeonly client is a radical Islamic terrorist wanted dead or alive by governments all over the globe. Warner Studios invites you to fight back the tears from the military tribunal testimony as we learn how the relationship between Osama and his driver is magically transformed from a rocky business arrangement riddled with doubt and suspicion to a everlasting friendship replete with tender, heartfelt moments.
Sep 10, 2004, 04:40
Recovering Clinton Receives Thank You Card from Kerry
Former President Bill Clinton, still in a hospital bed but doing well after heart bypass surgery Monday, yesterday received a Hallmark card containing a hand-written message from John Kerry expressing gratitude for the headline-grabbing emergency procedure that was "not a cheeseburger too soon."
Sep 9, 2004, 16:05
MLB & Me Love Baseball, Both Demand My Credentials
I've been to Seattle Mariners games before and for all the love I feel from fellow fans and stadium staff alike, me and dad still love the game far more. Because of that, latest boon(e) is more exciting than Bret.* We've got our best anthem singing voices ready and a couple of gloves for good measures. Now we're ready to go.
Sep 9, 2004, 11:52
Survey Finds 72% Think "Al Qaeda" is a Euphemism
The White House recently upgraded the national terror alert from one meaningless and ambiguous color to the next. Many of America's elderly have embraced the terror while most citizens are just confused or indifferent. Pollsters found that most Americans no longer believe Al Qaeda is an actual organization but rather a euphemism for terror propaganda.
Sep 8, 2004, 15:14
Wal-Mart Declares Nuclear Capability
BENTONVILLE, AR - The U.S. Department of Defense was sent scrambling when Wal-Mart Corporation announced in a quiet press release that it had acquired high-yield nuclear weapons to defend its flagship stores and SuperCenters.
Sep 8, 2004, 11:08
Suzuki Corp. Confirms Ichiro Beta 1.8 Overclocked for Hitting, Running, Stealing, Fielding
Suzuki Corp. has earned its reputation as a technology leader over past decades and, despite the success of the top heavy Suzuki Samurai in the late '80s, their greatest triumph remains the prototype baseball All-Star; the Ichiro Suzuki (Beta 1.8).
Sep 7, 2004, 11:52
Head Allegedly Weighs "Like 500 Pounds"
Don't think I don't see all you proud people walking around with your gigantic melons held high. It bugs me like a plague of locusts because I'm proud too, but my pigeon-bobby noggin weighs more than the sun and the moon together.
Sep 7, 2004, 07:46
Residents Sad Tire Fire Extinguished
WESTLEY, CALIFORNIA -- After years of fire, smoke and dark clouds of smoldering familiarity, residents of Westley are sad their local heritage has finally, and with great hesitation, been extinguished. Whether a return to simpler times or a sharp rise in black lung, their future is decidedly uncertain.
Sep 6, 2004, 04:06
Dispatches from the RNC
Becky Garrison, reportress extraordinaire, somehow managed to convince the boobing politickers at the Republican National Convention to grant press credentials to the event. Slap a satirist in the hotbed of convervativism and, assuming she doesn't get kicked out for being disruptive, you're going to see quite a fresh take on the events of the day.
Sep 5, 2004, 15:44
Impersonation of 'Steve Clues' a Dead Ringer
We all should know where our skills lie and mine is journalism. new guy Mr. Benjamin impressed me with his Kevin Spacey impression but his Steve Clues copy is really something else, a living dead ringer to be sure. It's creepy almost, eerie like a lake, and remarkable to anyone who hasn't already been driven insane by the show.
Sep 5, 2004, 11:42
Labor Day: How Do YOU Honor Labor?
Hot dogs, hamburgers, a fun family outing(s), cracking scab's heads open at a picket line. How do YOU like to honor American labor? Glossy News takes rare opportunity to relish the mustard of American tradition and look into what you (yes, you do to honor great holiday.
Sep 4, 2004, 07:00
Weeping Sore-ascopes in Jive
At Glossy News, we like to pretend to value diversity almost as much as we like to pretend that horoscopes have any merit whatsoever. In that caring, nurturing way we present to our diverse reader base the Weeping Sorascopes, as translated into jive. Because we value diversity, because all we print is equally false, and because no one is reading over the holiday weekend. Cheers.
Sep 4, 2004, 04:26
Special Report: Things Not to do Drunk
With unemployement reaching all-time highs (barring that Great Depression thing which remains a scourge against all of satire at large,) alcoholism is finding a new and powerful resurgence in American society unrivalled since the Rat Pack best commercialized it in the early '60's. With that in mind Glossy News has assembled a semi-comprehensive list of things NOT to do whilst under the heavy influence of powerful treaty-inspiring spirit.
Sep 3, 2004, 06:35
Canon Camera Fails, Newspaper Enters Picasso-Style Blue Era
Picasso's era of blue was widely regarded as the beginning of his era of brilliance. Due to electronic failure on the part of our Canon Digital Elph, our very own blue era has likewise begun. Now, all we need is a rally of brilliance and we'll be in business. Of course, a new camera would be nice too but let's get serious here folks.
Sep 3, 2004, 03:26
Doorknobs in Hand, Concept Still Beyond Reach
As of late I've enjoyed my first corporate response to an article I've written. It was exciting that the guys at Kwikset saw my article reprinted on Glossy News but, it was still a bit embarrassing. (at left: doorknobs... no seriously, those are doorknobs. I know they look wierd not attached to doors, but still, you know? They are, I promise.)
Sep 2, 2004, 20:33
Special Report: How to Deal with Insomnia
As a mad pack of literature-churning night owls Glossy News writers know what (the frunk) it's like to not be able to sleep. Many people suffer from insomnia, but none so bad as our entire staff who often stay up days on end trying to work in committee while snorting tens of thousands of dollars of crappy Panamanian cocaine. Can't sleep? We feel your pains and see your demons, no matter how imagined they may be.
Sep 2, 2004, 07:24
Sisters of Mercy Hold Vigil for Mike Tyson
Parishioners and passersby at St. Patrick's Cathedral on Philadelphia's west side were greeted with an unusual sight weekend. Fourteen devout sisters of the local convent, some sporting red boxing gloves in addition to the inevitable black and white habit, lit candles, sang hymns, and said prayers in the cool night air beneath a 20-foot image of heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson.
Sep 1, 2004, 10:09
Does Grammy Count as a Stranger with Candy?
You can't start teaching your freshman family members too young. Dad tries to get me to say "daddy" and mom teaches me not to clean up after myself and never to take candy from strangers. All you people seem pretty strange, so does that mean I can't have any candy? Not from strangers, not from strange grandma, not from no nobody, no how?
Sep 1, 2004, 04:14
G-Mail Privacy Scare outweighed by New "Decroogle"
With Google's new Gmail sparking concern among privacy advocates, a new search utility has entered beta testing. Sifting and cataloging public text on the web was only the beginning for Google who quickly moved to searchable images, news, newsgroups, and shopping. critics vocal of Gmail's potential for invading private information are in a frenzy over Decroogle, a search utility promising to read, save, and allow searches of otherwise encrypted data.
Aug 31, 2004, 15:03
New Reporter Steals My Ideas, Thunder
Dominic Benjamin was brought aboard to report fresh, breaking news, but after the other day's plagerism I realize he's nothing more than a cheap rerun of me. Well, maybe not literally cheap, but the discount has got to be pretty deep indeedy.
Aug 31, 2004, 02:10
Referendum Replaces Electricity with Prayer in Now-Dark Georgia
ATLANTA, GA - In a statewide referendum that passed with overwhelmingly numbers, Georgians have decided they will operate the state on prayer and faith in God rather than on the mysterious, invisible vagaries of electricity.
Aug 30, 2004, 10:05
Freddy, Jason to Marry
When Massachusetts Judge Earl Weinhart woke morning to find his headless wife lying in the bed besides him, "shock" does not even begin to describe his reaction. No sooner had he placed the 911 emergency call and found his wife's head right where someone else had left it, on the tip of the balcony downstairs, Earl fled the house believing that one of the many mass murderers he had helped put away for years had finally come back to settle the score.
Aug 29, 2004, 13:04
John Madden Explains He's John [Expletive Deleted]ing Madden
Since 19[expletive deleted]ing-88 I've been doing these games for EA and every year I step into that sound studio I pass out and curl up into a ball for 15 minutes of good solid grid iron Madden time. In other words, I stay in that fetal position and cry my eyes out while listening to Kenny G. I don't mind being the Erkel of the sports video game industry. What I AM sick of however is little EA cog intern who runs the sound booth. "BOOM!" 'Sorry Madden that "boom" wasn't good enough. Let's hear it again' he says.
Aug 28, 2004, 15:42
Primate Crib-Evicted for Monkeying Around
Just a couple days ago your sincerest and most trustworthy Perplexing editor-in-chief (editeur junior de la Glossy Neuvos) got himself into a new and deepest trouble of an unprecedented fashion the likes of which has changed my life for good. I've been evicted from my crib, strange as it sounds.
Aug 28, 2004, 11:06
Summer Home Improvements Made Easy If At All
With summertime comes home improvements and your desire to spruce up your abode is nothing strange. When looking for ways to increase the value of your home it's smart to first look through our handy tutorial with a great list of easy, low-cost, do-it-ya-damn-self fixer-upper ideas.
Aug 27, 2004, 08:06
Trees Can't See the Forest for Me
As I stand here gazing at the behemoth connifer which allegedly pre-dates our good Lord Christ, I gain perspective. Sadly, the trees learn nothing from our encounter as if they can't see the forest for the me(s). I see them, I even carve my name in their haggard barks, yet for me, no such respect, appreciation nor vandalism.
Aug 27, 2004, 04:05
Gross Motor Skills Fine By Me
One component of my hectic work-a-day regiment of toddler training is gross motor skills. Some call it occupational training, but if they don't offer job placement upon graduation I just can't agree with that label. Call me old-school but I call it "gross motor skills", and based upon what I've learned to refine my work over recent months, heck, it's just fine by me, baby (and/or babies and/or adult-types.)
Aug 26, 2004, 04:00
Degrees of Bacon Officially Reduced to Five
Transportation and information technologies are steadily shrinking our world, but little has evidenced the matter quite as plainly as the ability to tie any mainstream actor to Kevin Bacon in six or fewer degrees of separation. With the release of his new film Beauty Shop year, the degrees of separation will officially drop to five.
Aug 25, 2004, 13:29
Porn Stars Decry US Military Ethics
Amid protest signs exhorting "Plastic Bombs not Boobs" former California Gubernatorial Candidate and Porn Star Mary Carey challenged US Military recruitment ethics. She stated that "the US Military's offer to pay for breast implants as a signing bonus debases women who are proud enough to serve our country and reinforces the belief that small breasts are something to be ashamed of. Most of all it objectifies women."
Aug 24, 2004, 12:15
Road Trip Reaches End of the Line
All good things must come to an end, so too must conclude my near eternity of sitting strapped in the back of the car eating, sleeping, fussing and wondering if we'll ever be there, wherever elusive "there" may be.
Aug 24, 2004, 08:46
Woman Dumps Clueless Metrosexual
27 year old Denise Waters dumped her boyfriend of 6 months Mike Belsen, because �he totally thought he was a metrosexual, but he had no idea what that meant�. Ms. Waters claims that at first, when he would proclaim his �metrosexuality� on dates and what not, she would just shrug. �I mean who cares, so he takes showers right? I thought maybe he takes longer to get ready but no big deal, we don�t live together and I saw us going to Barneys together to buy moisturizers and maybe a spa day.�
Aug 23, 2004, 07:08
Documentary 2,000 Miles to Maine Fails to Suck
I regularly accept requests to review films and do so with boisterous glee. Hollywood is afraid of my brutal honesty but, once out of the "Golden State" of California the fear dissipates and my poignant slams are more graciously accepted. But then I get ambitious, underfunded, granola-laden documentary and I'm giddy as a schoolgirl thinking, "Tearing bad boy apart should be easy."
Aug 23, 2004, 02:56
Local Man 'Google-y Eyed'
In the early days of the internet most would press a key, sit, wait, wait some more, and then part of a screen would load, eventually. Today, everything happens fast and new tricks and tools are coming at the average user faster than bugs to a windshield. That is why what happened to local man, Dolf Shingren, is all the sadder. You see, Dolf is an affirmed 'Google' man.
Aug 22, 2004, 09:43
Baby Suffers Macular Generation
Maybe you know macular degeneration better known as loss of eyesight. It's troubling among geriatric people starting at the wise old age of ten and up. But have you ever watched someone you love, someone in your own family even struggle with the opposite?
Aug 22, 2004, 02:32
Navy's Trojan Horse Program Cancelled
As I've come to understand it the US Navy has been working for the past year in total secrecy to develop an aquatic trojan horse program to infiltrate foreign coasts with the greatest of sneakiness. Now, due to unforeseeable drawbacks and cutbacks it has sadly been abandoned.
Aug 21, 2004, 02:43
Special Report: Road Trip Entertainment
With the summer time here and road trips on the horizon, Glossy News is here to tell you where "there" is, and it's over there. Now to get there you need to check out our helpful Road Trip Rulez section detailing all the things that make traveling the American byways so damn special.
Aug 20, 2004, 13:07
Rival Site Turns 300, Glossy News Running Scared
Wow, it's hard to believe but it's true, we've got 300 articles on the books already. Seems so long ago I was reporting the discovery of my feet but day after day they just keep adding up and here we are, go back and count 'em if you don't believe me.
Aug 19, 2004, 06:39
Tourist Trap Sucks Overall, Money Specifically
I've seen cool places from the Pearl of the Orient to the armpit of the US and one thing I've found all over is greedy locals ruining the experience for the uninformed passers-through. Is it pride, stupidity, hatred or just a general ill-wishing on the world at large? Let's examine it more closely.
Aug 18, 2004, 20:42
Keebler Cousin Visit Goes Elfin' Great
No road trip would be complete without the obligatory visits to family along our path, and as fate would have it my wee, tree-dwelling, baker cousins were right along the way. Pop in, spot of tea, "howdy adieu", mission accomplished, right?
Aug 17, 2004, 18:40
97 Year Old Widow Wins Lottery, Funeral Thursday
LONDON - Only one lucky person managed to pick the six winning numbers in last night's National Lottery, scooping a total of �16 million. 97 year old, Doris Kettle, recalled how she had a "good feeling" for the week running up to the lottery. Her good feeling sank considerably when she came down with a sudden case of dead just hours later.
Aug 17, 2004, 07:30
Tunneling Cubans Relieved to Drown Before Reaching US
Cuban citizens have enjoyed a robust, 50-year heritage of devising innovative ways to escape their homeland. From the '55 Chevy Pickup to cargo containers to even the most daring attempts by the four men hiding in former president Carter's handbag. But none have been so courageous as those who recently attempted to dig their way out.
Aug 16, 2004, 14:36
Batallion Surrender Count Iraq 2, US Zero (from archives)
(article originally run in response to early hour propaganda reports designed to make listeners believe military success in Iraq was as assured as it was under George senior.) For those of you war-fans scoring along at home, the surrender count thus far is as follows. Iraq, 2 batallions plus 17 individuals, United States, zero.
Aug 16, 2004, 08:12
Leggo My Eggo or Today Ye Shall Die
Quantum Petshop has unveiled their latest travesty on the breakfast bar, Bullets Over Breakfast, a heart-warming tale about a trio of assassins divided over the ultimate toaster waffle. By "ultimate" I rarely mean "the one to end all", but in case, sadly and happily, I do.
Aug 15, 2004, 09:28
Welcome to Alderpoint, Population: Cow
My whirlwind tour has quietly ground to the most placid of a pause here in sunny, scorching Alderpoint, California. The hilltop ranching community boasts fewer inhabitants than even attended my dance recital and most of them are Jersey cows.
Aug 15, 2004, 03:44
Olympic Doping Scandal Hella Dope, Scandalous
Oh man, I can't wait to see the Olympics time around. Normally they're totally boring but, with tons and tons of athletes testing positive for the most sophisticated and successful performance boost in steroids in the raging history of all 'roids glorious madness, it will be great.
Aug 14, 2004, 16:27
"More Baby" Moratorium Ratified Against Hyper-Fertile Mother
Early morning an emergency meeting was called among all boys of the household, the matter of debate being the rampant production of additional boys by the baby boy factory better know as Hey Mama. The time for action had come and we were ready to act.
Aug 13, 2004, 20:25
Housing Prices Soar, Historic Mansions Out of Reach
For those of you who don't regularly read my tales of woe and woah, I'll just tell you that I still live at home. Now that I've looked around at house prices I remember why, prices are crazy! How can a lowly writer, let alone an infant/toddler be expected to afford these prices? It's like I'm expected to have a job or some such sort of thing!
Aug 13, 2004, 03:41
Sketchy Boyfriend Invited on Jerry Springer, Will Attend
William "Bubba" Jameson of Topeka, Kansas has never been on television. When he received a call from the producers of the Jerry Springer show early Monday morning, rather than being excited about his glimpse at a long-overdue 15-minute segment of fame, he instead looked suspiciously at his "sketchy" girlfriend.
Aug 12, 2004, 12:27
Interview with Justin Justice from Everything is Everything
Justin Justice has long protected the streets of Baton Rouge. He's credited with an overall drop in crime, an overall rise in well being and a general sort of pleasantness especially among the elderly. In an unprecedented move, Justin recently appeared in the documentary film Everything is Everything, produced by Studio 8 and distributed by First Look Rentals. We caught up with Justin on the streets of Baton Rouge to conduct rare interview.
Aug 12, 2004, 03:35
Lucas Inks On to Make "Oceans 1-10" Prequels
With the unexpected runaway success of "Oceans 11", starring Geroge Clooney, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and a host of Hollywood's other A-list celebrities, the studio has already begun production on a sequel, "Oceans 12". Excited about the cash cow potential contained in the Oceans saga, George Lucas has signed on to write, produce and direct the ten-film prequel series over the next eight years.
Aug 11, 2004, 15:09
Gender Bent Baby Barks Up Wrong Trunk
I knew Hey Mama said she was taking a shower but when daddy type picked me up to calm me down I didn't notice what was wrong. It wasn't until I tried to latch on for brunch that it really hit me; isn't going to work.
Aug 11, 2004, 04:08
"Fashion Do's & Doughnuts" Falls Short with Wide Consumers
In a small, Midwestern town a brave business venture was launched on the simple premise that full-figured shoppers like doughnuts and need "tall or short and wide" clothes. Every ounce of daring and innovation along the way has been met with comparable ounces of "total failure," as the owners and their lenders now agree.
Aug 10, 2004, 16:38
Congress Approves Pay-To-Choke Bidding for Capital Crimes
After years of budget shortfalls and diminishing tax revenues, the United States has constantly sought new ways to increase revenues. Tax increases and spending restrictions have been met with limited acceptance so the government has been forced to reinvent. latest move, however, has critics critical and skeptics at the very least, skeptical.
Aug 10, 2004, 04:50
Jealousy Committee Appoints New Chairman
When the jealousy committee was first founded about a year and a half ago, brother Patrick adeptly headed it up. It made sense since he was also the only member and considering his head draws so much attention, even from strangers.
Aug 9, 2004, 22:36
Couple Disagrees Over "Tomato" Pronunciation, Calls Whole Thing Off
Max and Amanda Weinstein of San Jose, California, have reached irreconcilable differences after two years of marriage. After six months of marital couples counseling they have decided to "call the whole thing off." Pat Morey, mother of Amanda Weinstien reports that, "I always liked Max and thought they'd be a good couple, but I'd go over for dinner and they'd fight like Rock'm Sock'm Robots over how to say 'tomato' correctly."
Aug 9, 2004, 12:28
Interview with Dale Kernie from Everything is Everything
We're speaking with Dale Kernie. He's a singer, song writer and true patriot. He was even recently featured in the documentary Everything is Everything. We had a chance to catch up with Dale recently at his home recording studio, and we're very grateful for his time.
Aug 8, 2004, 22:15
Infant Journalist Smells Like Day Old Diaper Dumpster
If you've ever hired an employee by r�sum� or videoconference without an actual in-person interview you know the problems you can face. Half-truths, misrepresentations, outright lies and incompatibility problems are the most common, but what's less common (and I should say "butt" with two t's) is that he may in fact smell a bit septic.
Aug 8, 2004, 12:04