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New Study Shows Navy Men Have No Sense of Humor
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Feb 9, 2005, 09:20

Okay, now you please explain to me how you do this kind of damage to this part of a submarine by running into an undersea mountain. Anyone? Please, start spinning the lies, we could use a good laugh.

San Diego, California - In a landmark new study conducted jointly by Glossy News and the Brookings Institution, a staggering 87 percent of Navy men (officer and enlisted) have been shown to be completely unable to identify a joke. Further, most (81 percent) suffer from a severely reduced sense of irony, as response to our article on the USS San Francisco clearly identified. To date, we have received approximately forty pieces of email decrying the USS San Francisco article as foul. Clearly, our brave seamen have had their sense of humor indoctrinated right out of them.

To be fair, certain circumstances have changed since the original article went to print. The “critically injured” sailor has now become a “dead sailor,” which is not at all funny, but rather, tragic. Yes, even we at Glossy News offer our condolences to the family and crewmates of the lost sailor and his injured crewmates. However, we have also obtained (thanks to an angry reader) this image of the USS San Francisco (SSN 711 – “The Convenience Store Sub”) in emergency dry dock at Apra Harbor, Guam. While Glossy News does not claim expert status in the analysis of submarine damage, we do wonder how the hell one “runs aground” with the top of a submarine. Further, if the submarine looks a little short to you, that’s because it’s missing its forward sonar dome, which was cut away because “it was hanging.” It seems to Glossy News that if you hit an “undersea mountain,” as was reported, the sonar dome would have been crushed, not ripped off to one side.

Finally there is the matter that the submarine was supposedly on its way to Brisbane, Australia, when the accident occurred. Are we supposed to believe that this is the first trip that anyone has ever made between Guam and Brisbane, and that spot, 350 miles south of Guam was so uncharted that an entire “undersea mountain” could have gone without notice? We don’t think so. Our experts have looked at the photograph so kindly provided by one annoyed reader, and determined that it looks like the USS San Francisco had an untimely encounter with a large amount of high explosive, namely, an enemy torpedo. The Russians and Red Chinese still operate large fleets of blue water submarines, so it is not so far fetched to think that we could have been attacked. Or, if you really want to go out on a limb, it is possible that one of the Arab countries, such as Iran, and their Kilo-class diesel-electric submarines, could have attacked us for some perceived wrong. All we’re asking is that the government please stop lying to us and tell us the truth, because pictures don’t generally lie, and we aren’t idiots. As Jack Nicholson didn’t say, [We] can handle the truth!

The USS Key West (SSN 722) is a good example of what a Los Angeles-class fast attack sub is supposed to look like.

However, getting back to the main thrust of this article, it is now clear that a majority of Navy men have their sense of humor indoctrinated out of them (most likely through the rectum). Interestingly, however, we have received numerous emails from Navy women who found the piece amusing (though tragic). Is this because women don’t serve in the Silent Service? We’re not sure, but we are sure that given the choice, we’d rather spend an evening with a hot Navy chick with a sense of humor than some stuck-up, self-important, egotistical, half-crazed Navy man. See this link for additional reasons. In the meantime, Navy men, get a grip (on yourself, not the man next to you) and realize that the original article was barely even about the USS San Francisco.

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