Tabloid angel Jennifer Aniston used to appear on the hit NBC Friends. Thanks to the magic of fiction, we've been able to secure this exclusive interview as it may have happened, had it happened, and if we hadn't run some pretty shocking fabricated news about her in the past.
She lives on the tabloid covers, which dutifully cover her ongoing feud with Angie as if it were real:
Max: Hello Jennifer.
Jen: You’re totally staring at my rack. Dude, I’m up here.
Max: No-no. I-I was just looking for that telltale baby bump. Can I call you Jen?
Jen: You might as well. Everybody else does.
Max: Do you think this haircut makes my ears look big?
Jen: Uh, no. You’re…fine. Now could we talk about me?
Max: Do you alphabetize your spice rack?
Jen: No when I need Marjoram I always have to pull out my Thyme, Rosemary and Cumin.
Max: Is that what you scream when you’re with John Mayer: “I’m Cumin!”
Jen: That’s not what I meant. I meant my career.
Max: Oh trust me, we will get to that. Do you still have that framed picture of my scrotum on your nightstand?
Jen: No. I meant—
Max: What did you do with it? Who are you wearing?
Jen: I hate that question. But if you must know it’s an Armani. Do you think it makes my butt look saggy? I just turned 40 you know. Everyone was—
Max: Which one? Did you hear what Angie just said about you?
Jen: That druggie bitch. But I think she made a good point about the strangled babies. Parents aren’t having sex with—
Max: Tabloids have a field day with you three. Every week it’s a new meeting or she is throwing him out or something else. And yet you’ve been dating John Mayer and Vince Vaughn for years. Do you think they long for the good old days?
Jen: I love John. I love every part of him. (Actual quote, backstage at Oscars.)
Max: You mean you toss his salad?
Jen: If that is what it takes, yes I will. I won’t let Angie steal him away.
Max: In Waiting for the World to Change, John griped about my generation and hoped things would change when his took over the reins of power. Now that King Obama has been chlorinated, don’t you think that is outdated?
Jen: I always thought that song was nonsense. So does John.
Max: But he cashes the royalty checks just like me. You once posed naked except for a necktie in GQ. Then you gave the tie to Jay Leno. What did you expect him to do with it?
Jen: I don’t know, maybe masturbate on it. I thought I gave it to Letterman.
Max: You starred in the highly profitable Marley and Me with Owen Wilson. Did he seem suicidal to you? And should there be a moratorium on any Wilson brother playing himself again in goofball romantic comedies?
Jen: I have great respect for all their bodies of work. They’re awesome.
Max: John won a Grammy for Best Performance by a Male Vocalist. Is he very vocal in the sack with you?
Jen: Usually he just goes about his business. But put a few vodka & Red Bulls and X in his tummy and he’ll start slapping my cellulite-free ass and yelling, “Who’s your daddy?”
Max: My friend Anna Bell cited that same degradation in her divorce petition.
Jen: What did she have against the old standby, irreconcilable differences?
Max: Now that the suburbs are largely deserted ghost towns and public spaces teem with Woodstock-size crowds of displaced Obama generation members, what advice do you have for the average Joe?
Jen: That’s a toughie. Maybe go to prison. It’s warm and there’s health care.
Max: You don’t seem to have a wealth of talent. Did it help that your parents were in the biz?
Jen: It hasn’t hurt. *cell rings* Oh, hi John. I was just talking about you.
Jen: I’ve got to take this call.
Max: Does it freak you out how everybody seems to think they are on a first-name basis with you? And when they fawn over you like a household pet?
Jen: I’m on the phone.
Max: While your body is still smoking hot, your face looks kind of mannish now that we can finally see it.
Jen: Hello! I’m on the phone.
Max: You looked really aged in those He’s Just Not That into You trailers. Despite a stellar cast everybody watched it on their cells.
Jen: John dumped me again. He claims he’s bisexual.
Max: I’ve heard that retired-actor-cum-rapper Joaquin Phoenix is available.
