Health officials warn that "running real fast" is not an effective measure against the walking undead, regardless of how sexy they may be.
"In light of recent disturbing events like the global recession, the outbreak of H1N1, the ban on Canadian seal products, I fear a zombie attack is imminent," explains Rosie Magellan of British Columbia, Canada. "So I’ve developed a Zombie Emergency Response Plan, or ZERP as I like to call it, for my community."
"After the zombie movie Shaun of the Dead came out on DVD", she continues, "I frequently heard the actors from the film stressing the importance of having one’s own plan for a zombie attack. I didn’t give this much thought because, well, they’re actors. What do they know? I mean, I have a Ph.D. in Comparative Syntax of Extinct Languages so I’m confident in my knowledge of everything. However, given the downward spiral in the state of the world, it’s only logical that zombies will be the next plague that hits us. My apologies to those young men for doubting them"
I am sitting with Rosie in the living room of her wood frame bungalow. She lives in a village on a lake, nestled in the central interior of British Columbia. "I feel compelled to share this information with my American cousins. Even though we live in different sociolinguistic regions, there may be certain aspects of our ZERP that you can apply to your own."
"The nearest city", she tells me, "is 96.315168 miles away, I converted that from kilometres, so we’re a bit isolated. This means we’re on our own in an emergency. We have three seasons: winter, not quite winter, and July.
With this in mind, there’s one feature of a zombie we can use to our advantage. Zombies lack the ability to feel physical discomfort so would be unaware they were becoming hypothermic. Lacking the sense to come in out of the cold or put on a coat, they would eventually develop hypothermia in cold temperatures. The effects of hypothermia are weakness and loss of muscle co-ordination. This would slow down the zombies, even immobilize them if temperatures were cold enough, providing a safe and easy opportunity to knock their brains out."
Rosie picks up a book that looks strangely like an owners manual for a Plymouth Voyager. "My husband and I each wrote sections of this", she says, and begins to read.
"If a zombie outbreak occurs in winter, lure your zombie outside where the -30 degree temperature will quickly immobilize it. Depending on when in winter this occurs, you could have up to six months to decide how to dispose of your zombie. I believe the method of zombie disposal is a personal choice so I leave that up to the individual, just be sure to destroy the head.
In the meantime, you could put your zombie to good use. The kids could use it as a snowman and dress it up with a top hat, scarf and corncob pipe. Or, you could adorn it with Christmas lights for a more festive appearance. Place a yard stick in its hand, if it still has a hand, and use it to measure snow depth. In other words, turn a scary situation into a bit of fun.
If an outbreak occurs when it’s not quite winter or in July, the outside temperature may not be cold enough to cause hypothermia. In this case, the ZERP Scene Commander (me) will lure the zombies into the hockey arena just around the corner from my house.
Some zombies will slip and fall as soon as they step onto the ice, hopefully smashing their heads open. Some zombies will trip over their fallen comrades, creating a pileup on the ice. The ones that don’t fall will soon succumb to the cold. This is when survivors armed with hockey sticks will leap over the boards and start slashing their heads off. Just another "Hockey Night in Canada" really.
Any leftover zombies will be lured into the curling rink next door where people armed with curling brooms will ram their broom handles into the zombies’ heads. Team skips will be on the side lines coaxing the warriors on with calls of "Hard! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Hard!"
If this does not completely eradicate the zombies, survivors are to make their way to the Legion. Assemble OUTSIDE the Legion, please. We don’t need any able-bodied persons being mistaken for a zombie because they are drunk. From the Legion we will lure the zombies down to the lake because that damn thing never warms up.
A word of caution, this plan has been selected as a last resort for two reasons. First, the swans may prove challenging. Our village has been given the title of "Swan Capital of the World" for a good reason. (It’s true, check it out on our website at www.stuartnechako.ca/fraser-lake.) The world’s largest trumpeter swan migration comes through here every year. Anyone who has had an altercation with a swan knows they can be nasty buggers, always hitting below the belt. The second reason this is not the preferred choice of action is that we take our water from the lake. The last thing you want is a rotting corpse clogging up your intake. That’ll leave a funny taste in your mouth, believe me.
Waiting on the beach will be boats manned by the Zombie Intelligence and Tactical Squadron (ZITS), volunteers chosen for their seacocks. Survivors will climb into the boats whilst pushing offshore. When the zombies follow you into the water they will quickly become hypothermic, making them easy targets. If this too fails, well, at least you are in a boat on a lake with lots of fish, and swans."
Rosie closes the manual and looks up at me with moist eyes. "I hope you found this useful for writing your own ZERP. God willing, none of us will ever have to use one."
"But if we do", I reply, "I’m sure with courage and ingenuity, we will prevail."
I would like to thank my husband for the inspiration for this article. He turns into a zombie every Saturday night. And every Sunday morning he has……you guessed it…wine flu. I don’t mind, really. It’s the only time I get to hit him with a hockey stick.
