Self-certified Apocalyptic Prediction Expert, Ed Davis, says he is 100% sure there’s a 50% chance the world will end next Tuesday.
If the Apocalypse does indeed occur next week, theorizes Mr. Davis, it will either be in the form of a giant meteor – such as the one responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs – or will manifest itself as the mass spontaneous combustion of all life on Earth. According to Mr. Davis, God has not yet decided which fate would make a better ironic lesson for the next race of sentient beings he plans to create in his own image.
When asked about the possibility of a meteor collision next Tuesday, experts at NASA concluded that there is a .00001% chance that this could occur. One scientist provided an off-the-record assessment, saying, “Unless everyone here is retarded, this will not happen.”
NASA’s .00001% probability is significantly lower than the 25% probability calculated by Mr. Davis. When told of the discrepancy, Davis explained that, “God is magical” and added that “NASA scientists will be the first to die.”
Local Fire Chief, Bill Sumpter, believes the simultaneous and spontaneous combustion of every man, woman, and child on planet Earth is “unlikely.” He did, however, offer some words of advice should that tragedy occur. “Stop, drop, and roll. Try to wear some flame retardant clothing. You can rest assured that we at this fire department will put out as many people as we can. After we put out ourselves, of course.”
Ed Davis seems relatively unaffected by the skepticism surrounding his prediction. “It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. We might all be dead by next Wednesday. And if not next Wednesday, you’d better believe that we’ll all face the wrathful judgment of almighty God sometime next summer. Probably.”
