World Begs Gosslins: Stop Airing Your Dirty Laundry

It’s unlikely Kate or Jon Gosslin will read this, so consider it instead a lecture for the rest of you. After all, you too may soon become a TLC or E! reality show celebrity for what’s generally accepted as “no good reason at all”. We loved you for your normalcy and innocence; don’t mook it all up by being petty jerkwads in public. Sure, we all want to see it, but we won’t endorse you for it, and your prospects will suffer in kind.

Hey Jon Gosslin, remember when you were the underdog? I sure do. You were that poor guy on Jon & Kate + Gaggle that we all felt sympathy for. You sir, have played it all wrong.

You had all of America eating from the palm of your hand, but you sold it for a shot at a 23 year old so-and-so. Was it worth it? Trick question, the answer is no. If you’d have been humble, modest and every bit the guy we all fell in love with, you’d still have a future. You’d have your own show. You’d have the nation’s sympathy. Instead you went crazy with your celebrity and forced us all to see you as a less-than-savory fellow, if I may understate the situation by some orders of magnitude.

Hey Kate Gosslin, sure you were a shrew and lampooned on every major television show, including your own, but Jon pulled some real jackass moves in the separation, and you saw the sun shining, but chose not to make hay. You’re a popular figure, all you had to do was take the high road and let Jon self-destruct, but you saw his bet, raised him, and called.

Think about it, Jon, when Nancy Grace asked you why you won’t let the kids be on TV now, but it was okay when you were with Kate, why non answer her with the truth? Kate as calling the shots and she has priorities that don’t jive with what is best for the kids… instead you get bogged down in a no-win conversation about your glam-rock earrings? Come on man, you can do better than that. The fact your attorney didn’t say so is reason enough to kick that ambulance chaser to the curb.

That was a gambling reference. Don’t worry, that week is coming up soon enough on the network, you’ll both be doubling down on that week of sell-out, don’t worry.

But then we had to learn about the minutia of your divorce. Uck! Who cares?!?

We never wanted to see one side bashing the other, making accusations, calling in attorneys and generally showing the ugliest of sides in public. Nobody wants to see that, and certainly not from people we might want hosting a hit show next season.

We get it, Jon, you deserve better than Kate. We’ve all known that since the first episode.

We get it, Kate, your ex is playing around like the playboy he isn’t, and it’s upsetting and expensive.

Most celebrities understand that there is a public side, and a personal side. The problem is that Jon and Kate came in to fame because of their personal side, so they somehow think that the world actually cares about their personal lives. We don’t. We only care about the carefully constructed, cautiously scripted, adeptly managed appearance of a personal life.

All this divorce acrimony? Every ounce of hate you throw at each other is another million you sacrifice in your career future.

If either of you had just played the card of humility, like “Why can’t the other just keep our personal affairs private!” then this would all be a moot point, and you would be the sure winner. You haven’t, so it isn’t, and now we’re all stuck watching this petty in-fighting boil to a roiling head, and we’re all left wondering if maybe there’s a kid or two in the mess we might love instead, because we’re all done loving you clowns.

Jon says he returned the money, Kate says he didn’t, the lawyers are lying left, right and center like their paid to, and TLC is getting in on the litigious action. But who actually cares? We all love watching the train wreck, but none of us sign up to clean up the mess, so you tell me. Nobody is lining up to launch a show out of either of you guys (and not just because Kate’s pilot was absolutely terrible, we still put that garbage on TV these days, and if you don’t believe me, just look at your show.)

So if your Jon, Kate, or the next Jon and/or Kate, keep your personal business to yourself and let the world at large believe what the scripts tell us to about you. We wanted to love you both, really we did, and we would have, were it not for you guys both being such complete and total jerks.`

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

2 thoughts on “World Begs Gosslins: Stop Airing Your Dirty Laundry

  1. I don’t believe anything Kate says about the kids, or much of anything else for that matter. She may say the kids love the crew, and maybe they do, but I’m not convinced that being in the media all the time is the best thing for them.

  2. And what about the kids? Per Kate: “I told the kids over the weekend that we weren’t filming…Times eight, there was wailing and sobbing. They love the crew, they love the interaction, they love the events. It is not harmful to them. They are angry.”

    With parents like Jon and Kate, I’m sure they can maintain that anger until they are at the age of consent and able to sign their own TV deals.

Comments are closed.