In response to criticism for failure to evidence actual Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, the United States has just publicized an auction of weaponry to ordinary citizens, corporations and foreign interests. President Bush went live to address the nation with the following;
The WMD Tan-N-Pleasure Bed - Ask about the 30-second warranty!
“I'm pleased to inform you that we've recovered thousands of WMDs in Iraq, as we always said we would. We have so many, in fact, that we're overstocked with volatile weaponry. To prove to you that we really have confiscated these items, we will be turning over these WMDs, bombs, chemical and biological agents, and more, all to the highest bidder. We assure our allies that our proud nation is still a pillar of financial stability and that we're not just selling these contraptions of destruction for our benefit. In fact, we've designated a company chosen at random* to keep the procedes.”
For a limited time only anyone willing to sign an "affidavit of non-terrorism", can get in on the rage of owning a piece of history. Many Fortune-500 companies are expected to buy the majority to stockpile for resale on markets less black. This offering of explosives to Joe Public is classified under “Operation Re-election”, and is seen by many as a fundraiser to help the U.S.’s next mission (to annex Poland and France).
The most popular item to be sold in the states is expected to be a product called H –Balm; a more powerful version of the popular haemorrhoid cream Preparation –H. H-Balm claims it will make haemorrhoids disappear and not just pacify them temporarily. What else will disappear is anyone’s guess. When asked of the practicality and safety of such items, a Pentagon official mumbled “Well, at this point the American public will buy anything we sell them.” When asked if the auction was putting the public at risk, he replied, “Screw good intentions, my road to hell will be littered with bodies. [pause], umm, I categorically deny saying that.”
Another popular line of products to go on sale will be incindiary grenades for household cleaning. Much like a self-cleaning oven, the grenade can clean even the messiest bedrooms by creating tremendous heat and buring away all the unwanted mess. Items typically burnt away include garbage, unwanted food, clothing, shelter and living tissue. This product was only approved for home use by the supreme court earlier this week.
No household should be without several of these life-saving Iraqi 'Inflate-O-Head' gas masks. Makes a great stocking-stuffer!
Other items expected at the auction may include super fast tanning beds, enormous garden ornaments, Qusay's 500-piece masturbation kit (complete with cock-sleeve,) and an array of "Portable Wrecking Crew" items for builbers and contractors.
One item rumored to be offered is not being named officially by any official sources except to say that it "will make for one hell of a BBQ." Spokesfolk at Microsoft campus in Redmond called reporters pre-emptively to assure us that Mr. Gates was not in the process of buying a nuclear device, "not for power, nor armaggedon, nor anti-competitive coercion," though they mentioned they would bring the matter to his attention.
VIP tickets are only available on the black market, IP tickets can purchased at participating Pizza Hut and ARCO/AM-PM locations.
* Randomly selected company was chosen from over ten million candidates. The company chosen in the lottery was Haliburton, which whithouse insiders assure us purely coincidental... much like their new Mercedes S-Class cars.
