This picture would be more accurate if there were a knife sticking out of Belichick's back.
“Please, give me a single reason why on God’s green Earth I should want to stay here as offensive coordinator for the greatest team in the National Football League when I can move down to the college level and take over as head coach of the heavily faltering Notre Dame Fighting Irish,” said ex-New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis yesterday. “No, seriously, why would I want to stick with a winning team when I can jump ship to captain a team that sucks like a two dollar whore at Mardi Gras?”
ex-New England Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennel echoed the sentiment. “Here I have to opportunity to be head coach of one of the worst teams in the NFL [the Cleveland Browns], or I can stay here and be defensive coordinator for a team that’s won three Super Bowls in four years. You tell me that’s a difficult decision to make. Give me the losing record, baby, I love a challenge.”
Just days after winning Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville, Fla., coordinators Weis and Crennel are ripping the heart out of the New England Patriots organization. Why are they doing it? For very un-Patriot-like reasons: they will receive buttloads of money for taking these new positions. We’re not talking a Hooters waitress size buttload, either, but something more along the lines of an Oprah Winfrey sized buttload. That’s a lot of money. Hopefully it won’t be delivered in a real butt, but rather a synthetic dispenser that spits out $100 bills like Kleenex.
"I don't want to be with a winning team, I want to coach the Browns," said Crennel.
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick expressed his disappointment at the conclusion of the Super Bowl, which he met with a muted response. “Well, I guess we’re done. Put a fork in us, baby, because this goose is cooked. I don’t know who the hell I’m going to get to replace Weis and Crennel, but odds are they won’t be as good, and even if they are, they’ll need at least a year to get settled into coaching in the NFL.”
“We’re hemorrhaging talent here,” opined Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady. “I just don’t know how Weis and Crennel could desert us like that. Don’t they know that we want to come back here next year for a shot at a fourth Super Bowl run? This breakup is way worse than when Rachel broke up with Ross. I didn’t get over that for three years, how am I supposed to deal with this?”
Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch (wide receiver, Patriots) complained, “Now, how could Chuck and Romeo go and pull this sheeyit? What the hell kind of name is ‘Romeo’ anyway? I ain’t seen Shakespeare runnin’ ‘round the practice facility. Hell, maybe we be better off without them bastards. Don’t need their negative chi bringin’ us down, you know? Maybe that’s what this club is lacking – a little more yoga, a little less Chuck and Romeo.”
The one group of people who will never desert the Patriots are their cheerleaders, many of whom are themselves castoffs from other teams. They could cheer me any day of the week.
Inside linebacker Tedy Bruschi commented, “I’m going to miss the coordinators. They’ve been like extra fathers to me, always feeding me right when we’re on the road. They were always ready to play a game of catch with you. Always ready to have you injected with Novocaine until the pain wore off by itself. Always ready to slip you some blow when nobody was looking. Err… scratch that last part, I didn’t mean it, I was only kidding.”
One thing is for certain, the loss of Weis and Crennel will be a body blow to the future efforts of the New England Patriots, and it’s being fueled by good old-fashioned greed on the parts of the departing coordinators. Have you ever been prouder to be an American?
