As a diverse, compassionate and latent metrosexual paper, Glossy News recognizes that not all persons born in the same month require the same horoscope, which is why ZoJack has forecast them all seperately for YOU, whomever you may be... dude...
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Pothead is pronounced pot-head, not po-thee-ad. Perhaps now the written jeers make more sense.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - I suppose there is an awful lot of cosmic wisdom locked up tight in Scooby Doo.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Consider SPF40 before going around those grow lights. If you get cancer, let it be in your lungs.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - You'll realize that biblical stonings involved no hash, but you'll still insist they did.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - While stoned, you completely understand the deep intellectual concept that an entire universe could exist in that speck of dust floating in your living room, and the answer is “yes”…. THAT’S where your car keys are, dude!
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - I wish I was retarded… those dudes at the Special Olympics act just like me and my friends, and they pay NOTHING for pot.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - Wanna have some fun…. make Ex-Lax brownies with a lot of pot in them. There is nothing funnier than listening to someone in the bathroom giggling uncontrollably with explosive diarrhea.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - Um, like, what was I just talking about?
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Dude, it doesn't matter if you get thrown in the pokey, people still smuggle in the bud in their asses, man, in their friggen' asses... ya get it? Hey, why do they call it the pokey anyway? Oh man, I think I'm gonna be sick. Nope, wait, my stomach is already settled. Go weed dude!
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Flush it dude, they're at the door!
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Everyone knows it ain't better than that shit you had last month, still no need to call it "Mexican dirt-weed."
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - Another bag of green plastic straw? You know better than to buy grass from the Easter Bunny.
