No, sooner, sooner! Can't you people trade anything faster already!?!
NEW YORK - It was champagne and truffles on Wall Street last Monday as the Dow soared almost two whole points during a five minute period between 9:12 and 9:17 AM, EST. Market analysts assert that the extraordinary surge marks the end of the recent epoch-long depression, and signals a new era of extreme shorter-term thinking in American capitalism.
"We are confident that these amazing 293 seconds signal a full market recovery worthy of lavish celebration," said stock trader Donald Hughes while lowering a small pistol that had just been pointing at his own head. "Ten minutes ago I had lost all I ever worked for, but now I know that my money is secure in a powerful and revitalized economy that could last all of an hour."
Hughes is just one of an emerging breed of traders who practice "by the second trading, " an aggressive, fast paced alternative to the more conservative hour trading, and disastrously sluggish day trading. Second traders use a measure known as the Brownian velocity coefficient in order to determine if a stock should be sold up to 50 milliseconds before or after it was initially purchased.
Now that the long gone economic depression of 2008 has been committed to the history books, economic analysts have attributed the problems of yesteryear to an insidious practice commonly referred to as "short-term thinking." Using this now archaic process, companies, traders, and businessmen would often look as far ahead as an entire fiscal quarter in order to determine what action should be taken in the present. What these companies thought they could gain by analyzing time that was yet to happen is still to be determined. The common consensus among businesses now is that the "short-term" wasn't "short enough."
In spite of adopting this popular new business model, General Motors, whose stock skyrocketed an unprecedented .02% during the morning surge, has come under fire for having reportedly told a laid off employee that profits from now-floundering SUV sales "would never end, that it was a recession-proof vehicle," and that GM would "never be able to build enough of them." CEO of General Motors Rick Wagoner has dismissed these complaints, citing a simple misunderstanding concerning the definition of the word "never. "
"The word 'never,' in capitalism, refers to a semi-predictable two-hour period that takes place during a hypothetical time-area that we tentatively called 'the future, '" remarked Wagoner. "Still, we have no evidence that researching this nebulous area will yield our company any more profit in the here and now, which is of course the only time-frame our extreme short-term thinking is worried about."
"It makes no sense for us to look days, weeks, or even months down the line in order to direct our actions today," continued Wagoner. "If you just look at the charts, you can plainly see that in the coming months there is absolutely no data for us to even analyze."
"The 'future' hasn't happened yet," added Wagoner, "so why even waste our time thinking about it?"
When asked if data from the past could be used to predict future trends, Wagoner stated that the past was "over," and "bears no relevance to our extremely modern, fast-paced economic climate."
In direct contrast to the historic recession of 2008, the economic condition following Monday's Wall Street boom has proven to be one of increased spending and luxury. Many homeowners have already cashed out equity on their homes in order to purchase flat screen televisions, gasoline, and exorbitantly expensive lunches. Top investors are also urging the public to invest money in real estate and the stock market as, according to Warren Buffet, "This is the most stable economy we have witnessed since yesterday afternoon, and could carry us all the way through dinner."
"I know most of us aren't accustomed to thinking that far ahead," added Buffet, "and for at least the next hour or so, I wouldn't actually recommend it."
In what is being hailed as an ingenious execution of the shorter-term thinking philosophy, Xerox Corporation has already slashed 100% of its workforce in order to turn Monday morning's revenue into record profits on the next quarter-hourly report. Xerox is not alone in realizing that having to pay workers is not in a company's best interest.
Other popular shorter-term strategies include not spending a dime on improving company infrastructure, ignoring the call to embrace any form of renewable energy, and spending billions and billions of dollars that the company does not have on extremely volatile investments, citing the Modigliani-Miller theorem as precedent.
While these strategies have proven profitable in the shorter-term, some entrepreneurs are investigating what "shortest-term" thinking could do for the modern market. Skeptics feel that the "shortest-term" is merely an ideal that can never be reached, but only approximated by the most aggressive practice of shorter-term thinking.
Meanwhile, all eyes are on Wall Street see if profits realized by shorter-term thinking will turn Monday's two point gain into an even greater upswing.
"If we were looking at a one point surge then maybe we would be playing things closer to the vest," said Aaron Walberg, the replacement for now deceased Donald Hughes who was fired since the beginning of this article. "But two points is more than enough for us to write off the mistakes of the past, and start looking towards the immediate present."
"Not many of us like to admit it, but it is possible that a full economic recovery won't be realized for a long as thirty seconds," added Walberg, the Dow dipping ever so slightly on a flashing ticker just outside his view. "Short-term thinking is what got us into this mess; Shorter-term thinking is what's going to get us out."
