Does this look like a stable man to you, or does this look like someone who wants to invade North Korea because he doesn't trust "them short little bastards?"
Washington, D.C. - Clem Clayborne, who in 1998 was officially designated by President Clinton as America’s Village Idiot, is demanding to be reinstated into his old post. He was forced out of the position when President George W. Bush was voted into office in 2000. Clayborne insists that while he may indeed be brighter than the current president, the position of Village Idiot is rightfully his by Presidential Appointment.
Clem, who was born in backwoods Alabama and received no formal education of any kind, has an I.Q. that MIT scientists have described as “approaching that of a dumb kumquat.” “It was the greatest moment of my life,” says Clem, “when President Clinton appointed me Village Idiot in 1998. I’ll never forget the look on my sister-mother-wife’s face, she was so proud. And bein’ Village Idiot pays $0.10 an hour better than minimum wage, so it’s the highest paying job that I could possibly handle. All I have to do is be available to Congressmen for consultation, whatever that means.”
The Office of Village Idiot is a little known office of the Executive Branch of the United States Government. In its 200 year history, it has been held by 487 different men – a high turnover rate because most of them eventually forget to show up for work. Perhaps not surprisingly, over half of the men to hold office have been named either Clem or Clementine (if they were women).
When President Bush took office in 2000, he immediately proclaimed himself Village Idiot and kicked out Clem, then the current Village Idiot. Bush said that he had “a lot of good idears for the Office of Village Idiot, which I may or may not put into action.” One of his ideas, replacing all Congressional restrooms with Port-a-Johns to cut down on water usage by the Legislature. He also wanted to “reinstate” Rush Limbaugh as Speaker of the House, especially “after those on-the-mark comments about Donovan McNabb.”
One of Bush’s early successes was the institution of “Jello-shot Wednesdays” at the White House, where all the staffers get together and do Jello-shots until only one person is left standing; that person gets to run the country for the next week. Unfortunately for us, Bush usually wins these competitions.
Clem Clayborne had this sign printed up and posted around Washington to raise awareness of his plight.
Bush’s next big idea came in 2003 when he decided that it sounded like a “good, solid idea” to invade “Iraqia” with his good friend Tony Blair. Donald Rumsfeld quickly threw together an invasion plan, and two years later, here we are.
Mr. Clayborne, however, insists that the invasion of Iraq was his idea. “I came up with a plan to invade Iraq back in 1999. I didn’t have any reason to, but neither did Bush. This just proves that he’s stealing my ideas with some kind of brain-ray that reads my mind. Make him stop! Give me my job back!”
It comes as little surprise that our Commander-in-Chief is also our Village Idiot. The next thing you know, we’ll be seeking regime change in Iran and Syria and invading North Korea, if we haven’t started doing that already by the time this article goes to print.
