Can God hear you now, or are you, clearly a minion of Satan, currently basking in the fires of Hell? What? I’m sorry, you’re breaking up.
Cummingsville, N.Y. – The Verizon Wireless "Can you hear me now?" guy was found dead today along a roadside in upstate New York. Cause of death is apparently injury from 72 stab wounds to the neck and abdomen and 18 gunshot wounds to the head and chest. He was found lying facedown in the snow, cell-phone clutched in one hand, with several knives still protruding from his back. As of Tuesday, police had millions of suspects but had not ruled out suicide or accidental death.
Sergeant Troy Jordan said, "This is the first time in we've have had such an incredible plethora of people with both opportunity and motive. God knows even I’ve wanted to take a shot at that guy. More than anything, I’m relieved that someone – or a number of someones – did it before he finally pushed me over the edge. My finger was just aching to caress the trigger of my 9mm, y’know? But, er, um, getting back to the crime, we have lots of suspects right now, and too much evidence to point to any one person. Or even any five peoples [sic]."
U.S. Postman Brian Cressidae found the body while on his daily mail route. "It was awful," moaned Cressidae. "He was just lying there in a huge pool of blood. There were bloody footprints all around him in the snow, and most of his head had been blown away. You'd think they'd need DNA profiling to know who it was, except that the ass still had the damn cell-phone clutched in his right hand. I knew right away [who it was], and called the police on my cell-phone – it’s a T-Mobile. I’m glad the bastard’s dead. If I’d had to hear him say that signature phrase one more time, I would have gone home, taken my assault rifle out of its concealed safe behind my easy chair, and gunned him down myself."
Public response to the murder has been encouraging. Fans and opponents alike are still human. Man on the street questioning found sentiments like that of Paul Chen, who said, "This is unbelievable. It's a real tragedy that it had to happen like this. I mean, with his face basically gone the rest of the world can't have peace. I just feel bad for the poor guy that it couldn't have come sooner. His family must be torn apart that he lived as long as he did."
Just two blocks away from where the murder scene was still being processed, neighborhood residents were already holding a vigil in his honor, complete with beer, barbecue, half-naked, half inebriated babes, a hot tub, illegal fireworks, cardboard cutouts of Catherine Zeta-Jones and a solemn dirge played on a lively accordian to a polka beat.
Verizon Wireless spokesperson Anthony Daniels commented, "We at Verizon mourn the loss of our primary advertising vehicle. We are saddened by the horrible way in which he died and can only hope that his death was quick. On behalf of Verizon and all its employees, we'd like to extend our best wishes to his family, and assure them that we can hear him now." Daniel's paused briefly before finishining, "Good."
