One of the first books to be burned was Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, a book about burning books.
In an attempt to pick up where they left off hundreds of years ago, the Vatican has introduced a new concept: the Book Burning Mobile. They had observed the success of the Book Mobile for years now, and, eager to plunder its rewards, have started their own counter-mobile dedicated to the burning of books that run counter to Church doctrine.
The first books to be loaded into the Book Burning Mobile, or BBM, were anything written by Dan Brown, such as The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. However, other authors who were not as directly related to Christianity were also targeted, including J.D. Salinger, Sylvia Plath, Jane Austen, Ken Follett, and in a very strange turn of events, science fiction writer John Varley. Also falling into the “ironically enough” category was Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451.
The BBM is built on an ice cream truck chassis with a 15,000 BTU gasoline-powered kiln in the back. It travels through the neighborhoods with a priest at the wheel belting out Handel’s Messiah over the loudspeakers, enticing children to bring their parents’ books out to the curb for proper disposal.
Some children’s books that made the Church’s list include the entire Harry Potter series, for its depiction of “satanic witchery”, the Young Jedi Knights series, and anything by Dr. Seuss.
The success of the Book Burning Mobile has led the Church back to its glory days of the Inquisition, but this time, it’s for the children. For instance, it is widely known that Kermit the Frog was placed on the rack and tortured until he admitted that he was just a puppet and not really alive. Yoda was placed inside of an iron maiden, but appears to have escaped injury due to his small stature.
Elmo and Barney the Dinosaur have gone into hiding in an attempt to escape the New Inquisition (or “Inquisition Part II, the Reckoning,” as Hollywood has dubbed it). Agents for the Church are fanning out across the land in search of these two runaways, who then intend to ask just why they’re so intent on making children happy.
This gentleman is demonstrating one of the more spectacular techniques used to burn books, the fire breather.
Speaking of making children happy, pop star Michael Jackson was recently called in by the New Inquisition to face charges of being a freak. Jackson denied these charges, but was subsequently overruled by a council of priests. As punishment, he is to have his original nose returned to his face and have his skin re-pigmented. Oh, and they’re going to give him a haircut, too.
Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were brought before the High Court in order to determine if their sluttiness was harming the girls of the up and coming generation. A “yes” vote was quickly decided on, and the two pop divas were banned from lip-synching and hip-gyrating. They were also forced to return their breast implants, which the priests promptly used in a game of catch in the Vatican courtyard.
From Book Burning Mobile to New Inquisition, the church is making great strides toward the past. When reached for comment, Pope John Paul II was unable to speak due to his recent tracheotomy. However, he communicated through a translator, “I wholeheartedly support the position of the Church. In fact, I designed the Book Burning Mobile myself, and I think it’s rather clever.”
