B-1Bs flying out of Ogden, Utah, leveled the city of Grand Junction, Colorado. Barely 5,000 people escaped with their lives.
Salt Lake City, Utah - Today was a busy day for Utah. By 11am local time, the constitutional democracy had been dissolved to make room for a Mormon theocratic government, the state had seceded from the Union, and tanks were rolling down I-70 toward Grand Junction, Colorado. Meanwhile, Interstates-15 and –80 had been sealed at the border. Today was a grand day in Salt Lake City as they declared war on the “heathens” of Colorado.
Flying out of Air Force Base Hill in Ogden, and Air National Guard Base Salt Lake, B-1B Lancer strategic bombers struck at targets deep inside Colorado territory. The Coloradoans were caught completely off guard, and as of this report, the whole of Denver was in flames and rubble.
Meanwhile, in Salt Lake City, there was toasting – with sparkling mineral water – to the great victory they had achieved that day. Grand Junction had been seized by the 111th Mechanized Infantry Brigade, the small city of Cortez was being fortified by the 403rd Engineering Battalion, and tanks of the 218th and 257th Combat Assault Brigades were seizing what remained of Denver and Colorado Springs.
Abraham Springer, leader of the new theocratic movement, addressed a throng of adoring supporters from the steps of the state capitol building. “I stand before you today a humble man,” rumbled the deep-voiced Springer. “But we shall be humble no longer! From now on, we will never allow ourselves to be referred to as ‘ultimate vanilla!’ No longer will we worship false gods in Donnie and Marie Osmond! Never again will we have six or seven children just out of habit! Finally, I hereby decree that I have heard the Voice of God and He has told me to allow gambling, drinking, and legalized prostitution within our borders. This is a great day for the country of Utah!” He then broke upon a twelve-year-old bottle of Scotch, grabbed the nearest underage girl he could get his hands on, and put $100 down on what he hoped was the winning trifecta.
M-1A1 Abrams tanks of the 103rd Assault Company charge across the badlands and into an unsuspecting Colorado. It is expected that casualties will be extremely heavy on both sides.
Despite its initial shock, Colorado was not to be so easily defeated. They quickly mobilized their 817th Strike Wing and 99th Infantry Division and reclaimed the eastern half of the city of Denver. “Denver is going to be Utah’s Stalingrad,” proclaimed Major General Mason C. Whitney, Adjutant General for the State of Colorado. “We will not give up one inch of sidewalk, nor one room of an apartment, nor one yard of park land. We will fight to the death, in the long tradition of all Coloradoans, with the cry of Nil sine Numine [Nothing without Providence] on our lips.”
Glossy News reporters, embedded with fighting units on both sides of the conflict, report that the fighting is horrendously cruel and bloody. Our Utah embeds are reporting that the Mormons are fighting like berserkers, fixing bayonets and charging enemy lines when they run out of ammunition. Meanwhile, in Colorado-controlled Denver, schoolchildren are being taught to either shoot or spot as part of sniper teams, much as the Russians did at Stalingrad.
Glossy News can’t help but speculate as to the cause of the sudden Mormon violent streak. Was it simply too many years of being the “ultimate vanilla?” Is it the lack of drinking and carousing? It certainly isn’t the lack of sex, because those people produce kids like jackrabbits. We may never know the true cause of this terrible war, but all too many will suffer from the results.
