New research suggests even 3-year-olds aren't getting enough exercise, raising concerns over their weight, future disease risk, psychological well-being, behavior and learning ability.
So worried are America's decision makers that as part of the 2004-05 budget, the Bush administration has included a little-known tax deduction for those families willing to invest in their child's physical health.
Specifically, all parents purchasing the patented BabyBowFlex(tm)- see picture - between February 1, 2004 and December 31, 2004 will be eligible for a 50% deduction of the full expense on their income taxes next year. And, if you make more than $200,000 per year, you will be able to write off the full cost.
The Bush administration said their decision to allow the tax break was science-based. "Babies are fat, generally," said US Surgeon General C. Monkman Capp (a former Doctor of Fatology). "I mean, just look at them - all round and tubby, dripping with fat cells. Plus we have an obesity epidemic on our hands. If we don't get at 'em early in life, they'll all turn into giant Blancmanges. A nation of Blancmanges is no nation at all."
Critics are saying the Bush administration should make the tax credit available for all toddler exercise-related equipment. "We know there'll be some criticism," commented Slaggie Manfor, a Bush Whitehouse fitness spokeswoman. "But the President knows the CEO of the company that makes BabyBowFlex and decided, based on the very detailed phone conversation the President had with him, that this was as good a place as any to begin downsizing our over-tubby toddlers."
"What about 'Fisher-Price'?" asked angry 'Kerry for President' adherent, Laszlo Critinden. "If Kerry were President he wouldn't just help his friends, he'd help everyone. He'd give breaks for anyone buying 'Fisher-Price' activity centers and he'd give everyone who buys a BowFlex, baby or otherwise, a tax break. And he wouldn't stop there. He'd also give out tax breaks for every pound of fat each American loses using any BowFlex. Plus, Kerry says if you collect a bunch of Heinz soup labels you can use those to get a discount off of the purchase of a BabyBowFlex (BBF), a regular BowFlex, or a Fisher-Price Activity Center."
Reached for comment on the Kerry response, anonymous Bush spokesperson, Blanche Dubious, said "Kerry is just pandering to the overweight and exercise-addicted elite, most of whom are Democrats. Bush will not stoop to playing that game."
Added Dubious, "Republican babies are babies, too. Our tax break for BBF is for all babies no matter what their legal status or political orientation. Kerry's approach would divide America's babies leaving some behind to carry their excess weight like a millstone throughout their pre-school years. Besides, our research shows that most baby's don't like Kerry-friendly Heinz products."
"How is he going to pay for this?" asked an agitated democratic official, Peter D. Pumkineeter. "Is he going to cut other federal programs so he can fund this one? Is he going to cut some needed benefit that people who wouldn't vote for Bush in a million years use like Veteran's Allowances? Is he? Huh?"
Paying for the tax break is not a big issue for Republicans. "The very act of buying a BlowFlex will add tax revenues via the sales taxes of states to government revenue," explained Republican Monty Two-more, exercise economist. "According to our computer projections and models, the cost of the tax break will be more than covered off when amortized over the life span of a BowFlex and through the reductions my Democratic colleague, Pumkineeter, has identified for us that we weren't even thinking of."
Sure to be a controversial electoral matter, tubby babies (registered or not) and their parents all over the US await the passage of the Bush budget so they can begin tackling their collective tubbiness knowing they have the full, though targeted, support of the Bush Administration behind them.p
