This Week, Wilmington Middle School Student Council voted eleven to nothing to send Irene Sullivan home for not adhering to the school's stringent "trashy dress code."
'Ultra White Trash' helps keep white girls whiter, white boys brighter...uh, no. They're still stupid.
"We have certain standards at our school," said school president Francis Stillwell, "and Irene's violated all of them by wearing a very respectable skirt and turtleneck combo. Look at Jenny over there - her entire midriff and buttocks are exposed. And what about Kathryn, see, she's wearing a 'Boys Suck,' mini-T...or is that a bra? Well, it doesn't matter. Wilmington Middle School takes pride in its disregard for appropriateness and decorum, and we expect all of our students to share in the school spirit. Irene is no exception."
Irene's mother Suzanne was mortified by her daughter's rebellious behavior. She has used alternative methods of discipline including counseling and medication, but all have been unsuccessful. Suzanne even tried a more "spiritual" approach by buying Irene a WWCAD ring (What Would Christina Aguilera Do), and encouraging her to consult with it while getting ready for school in the morning. Irene just wasn't interested.
WHITE TRASH PARENTS: Is your little trailer-tart being all she can be in the trash department? Glossy News can help! Just send us some of those "special" photos you've taken of her, and we'll provide valuable trash-feedback. Please include daughter's cell or beeper number for verification.
"I don't want to wear the kinds of clothes that the other girls are wearing," said a visibly exhausted Irene. " Whenever I do, that pervert who sings show tunes on the bus stares at me all the way to school. And why is everyone picking on me anyway? What about those guys in band? They wear their geeky uniforms to school every day. Why doesn't someone kick them out?"
Frustrated by Irene's stubbornness, the senior Miss Sullivan took decisive action jumping into the minivan and driving down to Abercrombie and Fitch to "buy several extra small shirts". Sifting through a rack of baby clothes, Miss Sullivan said, "Irene, I don't care if you are groped or treated as an object. You are going to wear these shirts and you are going to like it! We want you to fit in!"
