I am pleased to meet you. This is your chart. I am a Gemini. We must make beautiful music together.
We recognize that not all people of all years born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be. With the recent death of Uday and Qusay Hussein, we tip our hat and present these special interpretations of the stars that have been customized just for our reader base of hard line Islamic militants hunkered down in the caves of Afghanistan. We proudly bring you the Tora-Borascopes.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
It would be kind of nice to die of cancer, wouldn't it?
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Did you really think for one minute that "fight to the death" would be anything less? You, like Aries, are a punk ass bitch. An FYI from the stars for ya there.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Dying in Jihad sends you to a better place you say? Hm, better than hunkered down in a dank cave with no food or water? I suppose you're right.
Not this scraggle-beard, the OTHER scraggle beard. This guy is okay I think
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Bear in mind that literacy may have helped you interpret your sacred writings... or this horoscope now that I give it careful consideration. Unlike Aries and Taurus though, you are more of a bee-yatch.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
If starvation is a risk, feel free to eat your clothes, beard or even look to Gemini for a hearty snack. Scorpio will be too gamey for you. In the absence of these possibilities go for a limb or a Koran.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Know that if you go ahead and turn in old scraggle-beard himself, you'll have enough money to buy your own Afghanistan and your own religion*.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week you may wish to consider a change of career in lieu of your current path of sure death.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Today a beautiful woman will walk by you and you'll have no idea because she's covered head to toe with stanky old linen. If you really dig cloth so much, go fuck a muppet.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
The question you've been plagued with of "Why the hell are we doing this again?" will stop haunting you on the quarter hour when those thoughts running through your mind will be replaced by a small arms round.
"we don't need no water let the mother fucker burn... burn mother fucker... burn..." Bloodhound Gang
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You'll realize "Yes, that's a daisy cutter." So enjoy and eat it you punk ass bitch.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
As anticipated, reinforcements will arrive on time. Much to your dismay they will be Canadian.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Stop, drop and roll works better on house fires than enemy fire.
* Certain restrictions apply, see store for details.
