An internationally renowned seer has successfully predicted events of 1974 under strictly controlled conditions. Using a Ride Waite tarot deck manufactured in 1968, Leroi McCaroni, a prominent New Orleans psychic, has astounded research scientists by predicting with 100% accuracy events that actually occurred in 1974.
"I'm amazed at the high degree of reproducibility Mr. MaCaroni has exhibited in these batteries of tests. We're not certain how he does it, but I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that no trickery was involved."
When asked to elaborate on his feat, Mr. MaCaroni remarked, "This tarot deck is apparently calibrated to the year 1974. Being in the entertainment business, I asked the cards what the number one song of the year would be. It gave me 'The Lovers' in the past position, and the 'Death' card, meaning 'change', in the current position. The 'Eight of Cups' in the Environment cinched it, indicating 'a time to move on', referring mainly to relationships. This was clearly referring to 'The Way We Were' as the number one song of the year. This occurred in 1974."
When not reading fortunes, Mr. MaCaroni is a programming consultant for VIACOM, prognosticating on the success or failure of TV shows and movies. He maintains an 88% accuracy rate.
"I predicted that 'My Big Fat Greek Life' would suck, and it did. 'My Bib Fat Suck Greek Series' would have been more accurate."
When asked about the usefulness of having a tarot deck that predicts 30-year-old events, MaCaroni laughed. "Baby-Boomers do a lot of living in the past. People want to know who had crushes on them in high school or who knocked up their girlfriend. I can tell them."
Some predictions can be too terrifying to believe...
But there are some skeptics. The Amazing Randi had less than glowing remarks about Mr. Macaroni's ability to predict 1974. "I was able to reproduce MaCaroni's feats with nothing more than his own tarot deck, a 1974 Newsweek and a stale bran muffin. According to him, the president gets defeated by a democratic dark horse, World War III breaks out, and new movie releases drop 47%, sending studio profits into the crapper. He even had the audacity to predict that my head would be located in a dumpster behind a Missouri Denny's," Randi snickered. "I don't eat at Denny's."
When asked for comment, Macaroni smiled enigmatically. "He can kiss my ass! He wasn't even reading the cards or else he'd have known he was reading from a deck calibrated to 2004, not 1974. The Amazing Dumbass is what he is."
The decapitated body of the Amazing Randi was found yesterday at a St. Louis Motel 6. Police are continuing a search for the head.
