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  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Tribal Native Denies "Being a Ninja", Secretly Dreams';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/indian-ninja-secret-awesome-dream-1578.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 19, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'It was the strangest thing. We were having a runaway, rampant day out, doing our darnedest to span the landscape of the Puerto Rican interestosphere, regardless of the locals\' patent refusals to engage us in our media-istic capacities. It was a trouble we\'d faced everywhere, but a resistance I hadn\'t expected to face was that upon meeting a poorly-wigged tribal re-enactor, who obviously looked like a ninja, that he\'d say he <i>wasn\'t</i> <a href="http://www.perplexingtimes.com/article.php?sid=1197">a ninja</a>.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Obama Schools Speech Fiasco Amuses Kids';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/obama-school-speech-impact-teens-2055.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 19, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'President Barack Obama has delivered a junior State of the Nation speech to American schoolchildren, broadcast live to classrooms across the entire good ole US of A – from kindergarten age to upper high school grades. However Republican critics claim Mr. Teleprompter is setting out to establish an Orwellian / Big Brother cult of the personality with this TV speech – which they consider is a preliminary exercise in the social propaganda brainwashing of adolescent kids for nefarious political ends.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Afghan Election Results Officially Recognized as FUBAR';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/afghan-elections-fubar-totally-2060.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 19, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'In the southern Afghan poppy-growing region of Shit-or-Bust the tribesmen held one of their time-honoured beardie pow-wow’s by getting together around the campfire just prior to the recent presidential election for a fart-fest and to discuss which candidate they would back. After an opium-fuelled session of barracking each other and playing the traditional Tajik groping game of “Guess who’s under the Burkha” they chose to endorse...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Common Purpose? - Dial 666';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/telephone-service-dial-666-pound-1920.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 18, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate - following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty - is just a matter of time and not one of ‘what if’ but simply ‘when’. However a Biblical multitude of ordinary decent people are aware that the Masonic-Zionist Illuminati’s New World Order’s Fifth Columnists are actively weakening the UK internally and preparing covertly...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Cops Can\'t be Trusted with Fines';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/police-corruption-stealing-fines-2000.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 18, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'According to a report just released by the UK’s Manky Magistrates Commission the nation’s Plod Squads cannot be trusted to hand out summary justice and will act as “Prosecutor, Judge and Jury” if given further God-like powers to issue on-the-spot fines for simple civil offences - and more serious crimes such as arson, rape or putting your wheelie bin out too early.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sneezy Pig Flu Panic Call Centres Close';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/sneezing-swine-pig-flu-epidemic-2022.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 18, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'The UK’s legion of Oinkyitis H1N1 pig flu emergency call centres are to close just weeks after opening because staff have been spending most of their time playing cards and board games and generally sitting around scratching their arses – and getting paid for doing sweet FA. According to a secret report left in the carriage of a London underground tube train on the Bakerloo line and sold on to the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette for thirty pieces of silver, zillions of pounds of...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Teachers Stigmatize Pupils Due Birth Names ';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/teachers-discriminate-children-muslim-names-2059.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 17, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'Shit-for-brains UK teachers with an NVQ1 diploma in Advanced Guesswork claim they can tell which pupils are likely to play up or be the local Anti-Christ incarnate simply by looking at their names - according to a recent government survey. The poll of 3,000 teachers possessing the basic educations skills of being able to write their own name and use an ATM machine - commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - found that...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Arkansas Mum Has 19th Nervous Breakdown ';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/arkansas-mother-has-19th-nervous-breakdown-2046.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 17, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'Bobbie-Joe Muffitch from Twattown, Arkansas, is expecting her 19th new arrival in March next year. The 42-year-old mum and her husband Billy Bob, who run a commercial adoption agency and baby formula franchise, are the stars of their own reality TV show “Billy Bob n Bobbie-Joe Don’t Know Shit About Contraception”.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Brown Makes 30-Minute Stop In Afghanistan';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/brown-refuses-afghan-visit-2019.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 17, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'During a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday to change his underpants Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown gave a strong indication that more British troops will be sent to the basket case dump of a nation-sized midden to replace all the broken ones the Taliban have snuffed in recent weeks. Speaking to troops in a bombproof Fuhrerbunker at their Bellend Province fortified base camp Brown claimed he wanted to speed up the training of Afghan soldiers...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Welcome to the EU\'s New Dark Ages';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/european-union-dark-ages-2029.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 16, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'Under the latest stupid EU ruling the manufacture and import of 100 watt incandescent light bulbs in Britain will be banned in favour of the CFL energy-saving variety - by which you can’t see to read – or write - brush your hair, wipe your arse, tie your shoe laces or shave without cutting your own throat. According to the latest 1,286,498 page paper report from the Brussels’ based Energy Saving Trust, which is estimated to cause the devastation of...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'NHS Euthanasia Policy a Real Killer';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/nhs-advocates-euthanasia-no-asians-2041.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 16, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% - from doctors to drudges - encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthanasia to make ends meet. The planned workforce cuts on the already-ailing public health service were intended to close a massive Treasury budget gap...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Study: Cellphones Hard-Boil Brains';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/cellphones-cause-brain-damage-2040.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 16, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'A 2008 joint survey undertaken by the Department of Odd Behaviour in conjunction with the Ministry for Falling Over, concluded that the use of a mobile phone definitely has an adverse effect on brain activity, although it conceded there were "significant gaps in our scientific knowledge" – which in layman’s terms equated to the fact they didn’t have an effing clue precisely how much microwave radiation was actually required to cook your brain to a soft-boiled state...';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'Passenger Fixes Faulty Airliner';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/airline-plane-passenger-fixes-airliner-1883.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 15, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'Holidaymakers avoided a long delay to their flight home when a passenger with an Irish army knife, a roll of duct tape and a claw hammer fixed a mechanical problem with their plane. Passengers on the Thomas Cook flight TCX666 from Menorca were told to expect an eight-hour wait while an engineer was flown out from a Kwik-Fit service centre in the UK.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'MPs: We\'re Only Sticking to the Rules We Made Up to Make Us Rich';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/MPs-earn-huge-profits-from-odd-laws-2049.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 15, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'MPs were today pointing out that they had not broken any of the rules, that they made up, to decide up how much money they could secretly steal from taxpayers. The Prime Minister, John Key, has defended ministers, saying that many people did not realise that ministers were forced into their line of work and that most of them do not even own a holiday house in Hawaii.';
  syndicate.index++;
  syndicate.article_title[ syndicate.index ] = 'NZ Public: Just Let Us Get Shi*faced, Will You?';
  syndicate.article_url[ syndicate.index ] = 'http://www.glossynews.com/artman/publish/new-zealanders-wish-to-drink-more-2048.shtml';
  syndicate.article_date[ syndicate.index ] = 'Sep 15, 2009';
  syndicate.article_summary[ syndicate.index ] = 'Binge drinking enthusiasts across New Zealand, were today telling the government to take their newly proposed drinking laws, making it harder for adults to get alcohol and to shove them where the sun doesn\'t shine. The government is calling for sweeping changes including increases in taxes on alcohol, shortening opening hours and changes to the purchasing age.';
  syndicate.index++;







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