Benevolent giver of life or power-hording madman? Let's see how bad he is after he's served up an inteplanetary platter of whoop-ass!
Recent solar activity from Sunspot 486 has prompted President Bush to declare the Sun a threat to the United States.
In a Rose Garden address, President Bush told reporters, "I am building a coalition to find and destroy WMD harbored on the Sun. As we already know, the Sun kills approximately 7600 U.S. citizens each year from skin cancer alone, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of innocent lives disrupted by sunburn. Recent flare-ups have destroying satellites, threatened our power grids, increased acid rain and caused shark attacks on innocent Americans."
Intelligence sources confirmed Bush's contention that the Sun possesses a nuclear weapons program. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld pointed out Sunspot 486, where it is
believed nuclear weapons are hidden.
"We present this as undeniable proof that the Sun continues to advance its nuclear weapons program, despite repeated claims to the contrary." When asked where this intelligence originated, Rumsfeld said executives at Coppertone provided details and documentation that the Sun continues be harmful and must be eliminated.
When asked for comment about diplomatic overtures, Secretary of State Powell responded, "What the hell are you talking about?" After being briefed about the President's address, he replied, "Um...er...well, I wasn't informed about any policy change toward the Sun. I didn’t know we had one, actually."
Bush is building a "unified coalition of nations" to neutralize the threat the Sun poses. So far, the coalition consists of the U.S., Great Britain and Antarctica. "Nobody feels more threatened from an attack by the Sun than Antarcticans,” said the president. “We welcome their participation.”
BRING IT ON! Coalition forces in training for battle against the sun's Elite Solar Eclipse division.
In an interview regarding the President's proposed solar military adventure, Supreme Allied Commander General James L. Jones stated, "We’ll go wherever we’re needed. Our troops have spent several months fighting in the Iraqi desert, which is pretty darned hot. I think the Sun had something to do with that. But, if we fight at night, we feel this will be a short conflict." When asked if he had any concerns for the troops, given the surface of the Sun is approximately 6000 degrees Celsius, General Jones replied, “Yeah, that’s hot, but it's a dry heat."
