Sufferers of penile inadequacy need not live in fear so long as they have something to throw others off the scent.
Ladies - You may want him rev his engine before taking him home. Study links loud exhaust noise to small penis size.
You can hear them coming from miles away; motorcycles, trucks and cars with modified exhaust systems customized to rattle the fillings out of your head. Have you ever wondered about the owner? Now new study is shedding some light on this phenomena.
Researchers from the University of South Carolina released their results on Wednesday which show a direct relationship between the size of a man's penis to the sounds emanating from his muffler.
Dr. Knoffler explained the studies methodology and findings: "Basically we set up in a parking lot and measured exhaust sound levels, when a motorcycle, truck or car was louder than average we identified the driver and had one of our researchers approach them. The researcher always used the same script 'Your pipes really turn me on, show me your stuff'. Generally the subject would whip it out on the spot and before he could figure out what was going on we would have him measured, tagged and released."
"We were really counting on the Dukes of Hazzard Effect to get good data." The Dukes of Hazzard Effect was well documented in the 1980's, it was the first research to demonstrate a low IQ among muscle car fans. Later research expanded this group to include NASCAR and monster truck enthusiasts. "You almost feel sorry for these guys, they look so confused when we release them, the few that catch on usually say something about shrinkage before they wander off disappointed."
Early in the study researchers were having a difficult time obtaining subjects, Dr. Knoffler explains "at the beginning of the study we were using only female research assistants and we had a significant percentage of subjects fail to comply, on a hunch I brought in a male assistant and when a subject rebuffed the female assistants request we sent in the male researcher.
It turns out that quite a number of these guys would rather expose themselves to another man than to a woman. When queried about their sexual orientation however they were emphatic that they were not gay. Although it was beyond the scope of this study I suspect that the Larry Craig Syndrome is playing a role here." The Larry Craig Syndrome or LCS is used to explain the behavior of a man who is in such deep denial about his homosexuality that he continues to deny it even when presented with direct evidence to the contrary. "It's way beyond being in the closet"
A surprising finding related to women with loud pipes. Women are 83% less likely to have loud exhaust systems which comes as no surprise, "The unexpected finding was that 37% of the 'women' with loud pipes were actually men in drag, of the remainder 22% were actually hermaphrodites which is far in excess of the 0.003% rate for the whole population. "Most women are quite embarrassed to be making so much noise and explain that their boyfriend of husband bought the vehicle".
The research published this week builds on decades of similar studies measuring penis size among various groups. Dr. Knoffler explains, "Women have long known that men driving sports cars are compensating for being under endowed. The initial studies we conducted conclusively documented this intuition. At the time our studies were quite innovative, women of course had long known that the flashier the car the smaller the package but we were the first team to scientifically demonstrate it."
"It's ironic that the biggest pricks are driving BMW's while simultaneously transporting the smallest pricks". After the first study was published Dr. Knoffler was contacted by the auto industry. "There was quite a bit of excitement, the Big Three, no pun intended, were really interested in applying this research to sell trucks and cars.
"The entire F150, F250, F350 marketing progression was developed to get men with smaller penises to but larger trucks. "If you park these trucks side by side arranged from smallest to largest and then measured penises the correlation is as close to 100% as we can measure as the truck gets bigger the penis gets smaller". "And of course Dodge built their entire vehicle lineup around our research."
More recently Enzyte has used this research to identify and market directly to men with small penises. "Enzyte's ability to target these men en mass and get them to buy snake oil really demonstrates how inferior these guys feel and to what lengths they will go to compensate." Although there has been some interest shown by the penis pump retailers however they have, for the time being, opted to send spam to any known email address.
So the next time you are stopped at a light and the motorcycle next to you starts revving the throttle in a deafening roar remember that he's just compensating for being cheated by a vengeful God with a terrific sense of humor.
