Glossy News recognizes that not all persons born into a specific, narrow window of time need all the same collective advice. As such, we've had them written just for YOU, whomever you may be.
This week, we bring you the Stethoscopes...
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - You will meet a beautiful woman, just keep the lights off. No need to tell her about your genital warts.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - No, it is not normal for trained medical professionals to point and laugh when you drop your pants.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - If you pop it and it goes away, it wasn't meant to be. But if it comes back on a re-occurring basis, it might be the beginnings of something special.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - You will be shocked to find out that your girlfriend stopped taking her Valtrex two weeks ago.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Making X-rays of your ass is just not as much fun as photocopying it.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - If the bird of paradise flies over your head, it might be full of West Nile Virus, so kill it!
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - If the love in your heart burns with passion that is equal to the burning in your penis when you urinate, it was her that gave it to you.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - If someone askes you "What is a groin-pull" ? Tell them "About $20 bucks."
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - If a man complains of severe chest pain, shooting arm pain and difficulty breathing, and this man is your wealthy father in law, tell him he's just fine and to walk it off, about 5 miles should do.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - No matter what anyone tells you, it's just not right to turn tricks to pay for your AIDS medication.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Don't worry, that "thing" you got down there isn't herpes, it's syphillis.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - So just how the hell did you get Preparation H on your dick?
