(October, 2020) Fox had heretofore deemed baseball too civilized, but seeing the newsworthiness of a sport on tilt with ugly negotiations, bitter tweets, and a cheating scandal barely in its rearview mirror, the decision to replicate its political approach broadcasting post-shutdown baseball games appears to have jacked up ratings, even with near-empty venues. With this format, the games are a worthy counterpart to the hostile run-up to the 2020 Presidential election as viewed on Fox News.
The ninth inning of the 7th game of the 2020 ALCS between New York and Boston. In the booth, we find the Puppy Dog {PD] and Lil’ O [LO], the Fox broadcasting spawn of Mike Russo and Gary Ordway, iconic, in-your-face sports screamers from the Big Apple and New England:
[Camera on booth; there’s fake crowd noise in the background, though focus remains on broadcasters]
LO: Well, Chowdahead, it’s wicked frickin’ pissa. One inning decides it.
PD: Yuuuge! Yooz Sox chokin? Big division lead even with so few games? Fawget about it!
LO: Wanna go right now, dog?
PD: Fry-dey, Satuh-dey, any dey, Cawfee breat. I’ll dunk yurdonut.
[Camera pans few fans among mostly empty seats, but quickly returns to broadcasters pushing each other]
LO: Sox Nation’s plenny ready to blow out this replica of Fenway Pahk.
[Camera pans onto a couple female Bosox fans in full regalia with Sox masks]
PD: Get outta hea. Look at dos uggly BowSox Bangors. Look scaared, even for babes.
LO: So doan get me started ‘bout Yank Skanks. New Yahk or Newwahk?
[Camera back on booth as groans and then cheers piped in]
PD: Wese gots Kate Hudson and Saraw Jess-caw Paker! [Images flash on screen]
LO: Wegot ChristieBrinkley and JennGahner! [Images flash on screen]
PD: An Ahmy of famous fans, Billy Crystal first place. And Spike and ‘Bron and . . . . [more images instead of game action]
LO: First Place? Put the Crystal Meth-man inna barrel. He’s dun. Stephen King’s fananuff. Not to mention the Wahlbergs, Afflecks, and Damon. [still more images]
PD: Johnny?
LO: Not Bendict Ahnol! [Image of Mitt Romney and Justice Roberts flash briefly on screen] Matt!
PD: Faaan? King reads friggin books during gaaames!
LO: Least he reads. New Yahk fans — notha mattah. The game’s still all squayah.
[Camera cuts briefly to action on field before spinning back to booth]
PD: Bombas had a runna on . . . .
LO: But, Sox turntwo. Aaron Judge, heading to second, had to bang a uey back to da dugout.
PD: Gawncalo’s up! Tradition! 29 world championships! Get the idear? The Baambino, the Iron Hoss, Bucky Dent right hea. And G’s eye-talian name hawks back to the great JoeD. Hastabe he hits it out, schmuck!
[Camera briefly catches Stanton striding to home plate]
LO: Nah, one Wankee Series win since 2001: A Space Odyssey yeah. While we bagged tree in the last one sixah, pizzer face!
[Camera follows Giancarlo Stanton around bases after he crushes a homer]
PD: Yah! G-man’s da trut! Yanks leaaaaaaaaad! Yanks lead! Yanks lead!
LO: Youa World Cup kickball‘nouncer? Ain’t over ‘til your porky singer sings. And, she ain’t heah.
PD: Whatsa matta, yooz? Sore loosa? Wanna throw hands now? I’ll snuff yooz in the troat!
[Camera shows Yanks taking the field for the bottom of the 9th]
LO: We’ll beat your Cuber abuser of a closer. Ruff HIM up, Bean-towners!
PD: Yooz trippin’? Dead-ass sure we hold on.
[Camera stays on booth as the Sox load the bases with two outs. Meanwhile, the announcers, oblivious to action on the diamond and crowd reactions, have argued whether fans in the morning will be bemoaning their team’s fate at the bubblah or bodega; what Teddy Ballgame would have hit if the Commissioner’s harebrained schemes to counteract defensive shifts had been implemented in 1941; whether the curse of the Bambino was real; whether Billy Martin or Jimmy Piersall was a bigger whack job, whether Fever Pitch or Damn Yankees was the most egregious baseball-masking chick flick; whether Jeter or Nomar’s best season shined the most; whether Mr. October was more clutch than Big Papi; whether Pedro Martinez’ take-down of Don Zimmer was uglier than Tom Yawkey’s racial policy; and who, among George Steinbrenner, Casey Stengel, Joe Cronin, Bill “Spaceman” Lee, or Terry Francona, would have made the best POTUS]
LO: Let’s win it heah! J.D. Martinez gets a knock, and the good guys win. The Monstah beckons!
PD: Chill, Bro. These few Fenway fans gonna hafta schlep their asses out of the Pak loosers! Martinez goin’ down! And, thank Gawd, no ties in baseball which would be like kissin’ yur sistah, sometin’ yooz guys might like!
LO: Chapman, Nooyawk fans and you goindown!
[The camera stays riveted on the tandem’s slap fight until it cuts briefly to the field to show the victors celebrating on the mound before a scroll announces, “Stay Tuned for Post-game Recap: The Brawl in the Booth and game too!!!!!!!”]