ARLINGTON,VA--In an impromptu press conference held outside Arlington Headquarters, Ernest Garcia, Acting Director of the Selective Service, revealed that 19 year-old DeAndre Ramone Way, popularly known as Soulja Boy, has yet to register with the agency.
"It is a well-known fact that all able-bodied males between the ages of 18 and 25 are required by law to register with the Selective Service," Garcia said. "At a time when President Obama is escalating our efforts against the Taliban, this self-proclaimed Soulja Boy continues to remain unaccounted for. Perhaps if they terrorized 106 & Park-istan, he wouldn't feel so ambivalent towards conscription."
Garcia's prepared remarks painted Soulja Boy as an arrogant and misguided dissident who continues to deplete morale by setting a poor example for the nation's youth.
"Essentially, Soulja Boy is telling all current and future patriotic registrants that, if America were to encounter imminent peril, he would be more interested in selling ring tones than letting freedom ring; that if his countrymen were to ever rely on him to provide life saving intelligence, he would be more preoccupied with the Billboard than the Water Board."
Garcia continued his character assassination by turning Soulja Boy's own nonsensical lyrics against him, "This young man has made it painfully obvious that within the throes of a national emergency, he would rather 'Crank That' than 'Tank That.' And he has the audacity to question: ˜why they hatin' on me?'"
However, the Acting Director quickly dismissed the notion that Soulja Boy's attitude towards the Selective Service is a reflection of all the lil' boys within the hip-hop community.
"Shortly after his 18th birthday back in March of 2005, Bow Wow called me directly and personally assured that if the situation ever arose, America's enemies better 'Beware of the Dog.' Usually, that is a publicists' responsibility, but Bow went the extra mile. I was so moved by his gesture that I was decidedly upset that he was unavailable to attend my daughter's Sweet 16 Party."
Pundits covering the world of hip-hop entertainment have already begun to speculate over the reasoning behind Soulja Boy's defiant stance. According to Vanessa Satten, Editor-and-Chief of XXL Magazine, "Soulja is blatantly committing a felonious act in a desperate ploy to generate street credibility among hip-hop's venerable and hardened old guard, all of whom are currently portraying responsible fathers and law enforcement officers in film and television."
However, anonymous sources within the agency have suggested that Acting Director Garcia's revelatory press conference will ultimately prove to be moot. According to one staff member, "Soulja Boy participated in a heated 20 minute conference call with Garcia and his deputy director last week. The conversation ended abruptly after Soulja Boy sarcastically inquired if "kissing (Garcia) through the phone' violated the United States Military's rigid "Don't Ask, Don't Tell'em'" policy.
Several hours after Garcia publicly pilloried Soulja Boy, the rapper's handlers issued the following statement on his behalf: "How can Soulja be expected to support the troops when he is currently having difficulty supporting his own entourage? Why just last week Ray-Ray purchased a Yamaha ATV for each Skittle color. It is unfair for anyone, especially Mr. Garcia of the Selective Service to suggest that, just because he does the Superman means he is Superman."
