On October 23rd an article on Broken News appeared about how confusing baseball is across Europe. With harsh writer bias and hideous errors and omissions, I fail to see how this ever slipped by handsome satire magnate, Bill Doty.
As unimaginable as it is that a reputable site like Broken Newz would allow readers to be thusly mislead, it is not too late to set the record straight.
Important facts to bear in mind about baseball.
If you do not recognize this image, it is safe to say you are ignorant about baseball. This is Joe Torre, the manager of the 26 time World Series champion New York Yankees.
Steroids are only tested at random, anonymously, and in small numbers. In effect, steroid usage actually encouraged and many players refusing to take them are mocked with cruel nick-names like "bald back", "normal jaw" and "medium balls".
While it is true as stated that hundreds of young Europeans are injured every year while trying to bounce baseballs off of their heads like in soccer, it's also important to point out the almost dozen fatalities last year resulting from the confusing of the baseball bat with a cricket bat. Crickets bats are long and slender, and unlike their American counterparts, are wood throughout, containing no cork of any sort.
Illegal baseball bats may be filled with steel rods, resin, or superballs, not just cork as the Sosa disgrace might indicate.
On four balls the batter gets to walk. Personally, I'd walk with pride if I had that many.
It all comes down to a 7 game series where even $164 Million in well planned salary may not save you, but the advertisers will… maybe that deal with the devil too, tough to say. Did I say 7 games? I meant six.
Umpires don't believe in instant-replay's, do-overs, excuses, apologies or your deal with the devil.
Lou Gherig died of Lou Gherig's disease. Moral of that story, don't name your kid Cancer.
Important facts to bear in mind about soccer.
If you do not recognize this image, it is safe to say you are ignorant about soccer. This guy plays soccer, pretty good too I'm told.
The well written exposé lacked the kind of unbiased perspective readers deserve from a cutting edge news site. It suggested Americans think soccer is "gay" or even "girly". Americans have always put huge importance on soccer. In fact, most children play soccer in school and even on cute little teams before they know better. Many of them even use the skills they learn there to move on to real sports like football, baseball or bowling.
It was also reported that 98% of soccer matches end in a 0-0 tie. Nothing could be further from the truth. The game of world football is one of pride, virility and the ambiguously gay art of being footy. Ties are always broken in the end with a "ball off" where the players are afforded the opportunity to insure their inability to reproduce. Thus, there are few second-generation footballers.
The film "Bend it like Beckham" showed just how manly the sport of soccer can be, even for girls. As a show of good faith, many American video stores even stock copies on the shelves along with all the other great children's tales.
Sometimes dudes jump upside down and backwards to kick the ball. The actual control exhibited rarely exceeds 1%, but it makes for awesome slow-motion playback.
There is no slow-motion playback.
Mullets are the sexiest rage there is, much like in the deep south in the US.
Important facts to bear in mind about football.
If you do not recognize this image, it is safe to say you are ignorant about football and the Naked Gun series of movies. This is OJ Simpson, famous NFL star and noted murderer.
The statement "Europeans also appear to have difficulty comprehending the idea of a game in which they can use their hands. Last year there were over 6000 accidents in France alone when Frenchmen put catcher’s mitts on their feet and attempted to run across soccer fields." as reported by Mr. William Grimm is completely factual, and one of the funniest mental images I've had in a while. While amusing, it does not fairly relate the inherent difficulty of playing a game where your only prehensile appendages are effectively reduced to wet slapping noodles by your side. Think of how hard it would be to play football (I mean football for real, not soccer,) if instead of catching the ball, the players helmets had Velcro? A dull sport without a doubt, but very challenging without question.
Steroids are regularly tested, but it doesn't matter, there's all kinds of designer stuff, so these players are like, the size of trucks some of them. Oh, and they are angry too.
Hot chicks are dancing along the edge of the field pretty much all the time. They are like cheerleaders, except it's totally okay to masturbate to them.
While the constant time-outs may seem a bit frustrating at times, bear in mind we still need time for the dancing girls.
Not just anyone can play American football, many specimens are born without necks.
Driving while drunk and/or high is pretty much a foregone conclusion for any participant in the sport, from spectator to player to coach.
Hopefully this makes things a bit more clear for everyone.
