Oh man, how embarrassing to see pictures of yourself on sugar.
News spread yesterday of a kindly though mentally askew "Easter Rabbit" spreading joy, happiness and eggs throughout the Christian world at random. Late breaking developments uncovered the sinister truth behind the tainted loot.
Sugar. Sucrose, glucose, fructose or corn syrup, it's all the same madness straight off the cane. According to researchers and ingredient lists, it's this substance that was found in high concentrations throughout nearly all last Sunday's candy buffet.
If you suspect your candy was laced with this highly reactive stimulant you should read the ingredients, or look for these symptoms in your unfortunate consumers:
Excitability and mania.
Erratic behavior.
Rampant mood swings.
Suppressed appetite.
Nausea.
Cravings for more/addiction.
"Sugar crash."
Without knowing it, I inadvertently ingested many, many pieces of the sugar laden candy and chocolate. Before I knew what was happening the sweetness had gone straight to my head and my behavior became wild and even less predictable than usual. I put anything I could on my head, I climbed anything with a decent paw-hold and yipped like a giddy animal ad faux-infinitum.
It was heavenly madness with a heavy price whose final bill I'd yet to see. I asked for more and more until they cut me off, then stole more until I got caught. Then it started to wear off in a very ugly way. I came down hard with severe depression before I finally passed out.
The motivation of this hopping rabid creature is as yet unknown. No demands have been issued at this time but it is believed he had some eleven million accomplices in his many-fronted assault on innocent God-fearing and God-misunderstanding children around the world.
If you are still in possession of second-coming related candy, beware that it may in face contain large amounts of highly volatile sugar or sugar derivatives. While it may improve the taste it will surely lead to your junior journalist stealing your toys and kitchenware and selling them on the playground just to get his next divine, delightful candy fix.
