ABOVE: Repurposed from a very old article on GlossyNews.com late at night with a print deadline looming.
Anthropologists, working alongside genetic scientists, have discovered further evidence that the Channel Island of Brecqhou’s ‘Hobbit’ skeletons are the progenitors of an evolutionary retarded species of human – the modern day ‘Chavs’.
The one metre tall, 30kg brain-dead sub-human ‘Hobbits’ roamed the English Channel Island of Brecqhou perhaps up to 8,000 years ago.
Since the discovery, researchers have argued vehemently as to the identity of these diminutive people but genetic sampling has provided a positive link to the surviving cave-dwelling twin troglodytes on the island – the reclusive Homo Barclayus Untermenchen brothers.
Two papers recently published in the genetics section of the Tortoise Polishers Gazette now support the theory they were an entirely new species of human that have risen in physical stature to their current average height of one and a half meters while maintaining an IQ of less than 30.
Science puts this down to their habitual diet of potato crisps, Stella Artois lager and Grotty Grocer ready-slop microwave dinners.
The team which discovered the early Chav remains in the Le Merde cave on Brecqhou Island, contends that the population belongs to the species Homo Barclayus - separate from our own grouping of Homo Credit-Cardus.
Over many years, their brains, and personalities, evolved to be smaller in size through a natural selection process called ‘island dwarfing’ say the discoverers – a claim supported by many other scientists.
However, some researchers argued that this could not account totally for the Hobbit Chav’s chimp-sized brain of almost 400 cubic cm - a third the mass of the modern human brain.
This was a puzzle, they said, because individual Chavs seem to have crafted complex artefacts out of bits of stone and discarded metal and glass – known as ‘Bling’.
Conversely other science groups maintain the increase in physical height and body mass has occurred through access to Grotty Grocer food supplies while the retarded mental capacity and diminutive brain size is directly linked to their daily consumption of Stella lager, addiction to television and what has now become known as MP3 Syndrome.
Professor Hector McTwat of the Smegmadale Institute of Anthropology confidently argues the sub-species case as all Chavs are Simian-jawed and possess opposable toes – which provide a precision grip that allows Chavs to swing from lamp posts and road signs by one foot while opening a pack of B & H Silver with the other.
McTwat further supports his theory with references to the Chav’s prehensile tail - which they normally keep neatly tucket away inside their shell suit pants unless engaged in public dogging sessions with their troop of Chavette slappers.
Conversely Dr. Fellatia van der Gobble, of the Marginalised Sub-Humans Society, told reporters that while Chavs do tend to mark their territory in a feral manner, by displaying the Asbo’s they’ve earned battling human society, they have devised their own uniform and almost single handedly keep Stella Artois in business. She further states that if it wasn't for them, JD Sports would have closed down years ago.
