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Uday, Qusay, Elvis Spotted at Wal-Mart
By Stcrispin
Jul 30, 2003, 07:00

American efforts to convince the Iraqi people that Uday and Qusay Hussein are dead suffered a setback this week as rumors began circulating that the two were seen shopping at a Baghdad Wal-Mart store less than a week after they were reportedly killed in Mosul. Adding credibility to the story is the fact that they were in the store at the same time as the King of Rock & Roll, Elvis Presley.

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According to eyewitnesses at the Baghdad Wal-Mart, the brothers arrived together and went directly to the tool department, where Qusay picked out eye hooks and logging chains for what he described as "a renovation project in my rumpus room". Uday attacked several customers with a weed whacker.

Before leaving, the pair stopped to grab a "World’s Greatest Dad" tee shirt in XL, then sprayed the check-out counter with AK-47 fire and fled in a late model Cadillac. Meanwhile, Mr. Presley arrived at the store almost unnoticed, filled his shopping cart with Ding Dongs and Pepto-Bismol, and left immediately after the departure of the Husseins.

Pentagon spokesperson Ron Dixon denied that the Hussein brothers are alive. "They're absolutely dead and we have the corpses to prove it. But even if they’re not dead now, they soon will be, because they’ve got Elvis on their trail. You know, Elvis once asked President Nixon to make him a special agent for drug enforcement and the King took the job seriously enough to accumulate a sizable stash before his demise, or whatever the hell happened to him. Who better to find two dead guys than another dead guy? We’ve ordered up a bunch of Ouiga boards and a case of Krispy-Kreme donuts in case he needs back up."

Uday, Qusay and Elvis. Reports vary; Wal*Mart shoppers say the King is either the store greeter or photo-lab assistant manager. Look him up at the in-store McDonald's!

Adding to the confusion, conflicting reports placed the trio in Las Vegas early Tuesday. Local police dismiss the sighting as "just another couple of rich Arabs hanging around the Elvis Wedding Chapel", but insiders noted that a new magic act called "Hussaw Who?" opened at Ceasar's Palace this week, featuring two Middle-Eastern men who constantly seek young women from the audience.

"It's the same trick, over and over," said Ceasar's entertainment manager. "Lay the girl in a box, saw her in half, wheel her off stage. It's quite realistic."

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