Biz News
Surplus Army Wives Go on Sale, Feminists Piss & Moan
By Evan Caffrey
Mar 10, 2004, 08:26

Leave it to a bunch of menopausal bitches to ruin a good thing. ABOVE: A surplus Army wife locked, loaded and ready to fire.

Fort Huachuca, Arizona -- Dozens of angry feminists protested loudly in the street outside a newly opened storefront on the main drag of this dusty military town, just outside the main gate of the local Army base of the same name.

According to the proprietor, Larry McQueen, "Larry’s Military Surplus Wives" specializes in hooking up women recently divorced from their active-duty military husbands. Curious male onlookers and potential customers stood shyly by in the
background, shuffling their feet nervously and waiting for the protest to end so they could go "check out the wares," as one of them put it.

According to McQueen, the military, with its frequent moves and separations, is tough on a marriage, which results in a lot of divorces. "The good news," he says, "is that we have a plentiful supply, and most of these biothes have been well trained by their ex’s to respond quickly to orders."

"Furthermore," McQueen said, "they have very low expectations and are easily pleased; moreover, many come with decent child support payments that don’t necessarily have to be used on the children themselves." He warns, however, that "all customers must keep in mind that these women respond best to strict discipline, and may tend to take advantage of a weak man."

IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Be discerning when shopping for your surplus wife. Some of the stock may have already been on the shelf previously. This Asian bride is a clear example of a potential wife that may have lingering anger management issues.

Letitia Clowrocks, leader of the feminist protesters, was not amused. "This whole thing is disgusting. These women have already been through hell, and they ought to be left alone, or better yet join our group and learn how life can really be when you let your hormones run free. The last thing they need is to get hooked up with some loser wearing camouflage pants and and a matching bandana."

The local Chamber of Commerce could not be reached for comment, but Mayor Willie Dilbar stated that "we need to give whatever assistance we can" to the ex-wives.

"I think the community would be better served if they started a business of their own," said Dilbar. "We're looking at plans for a 'Pre-Owned Veteran Vixens' gentleman's club. Kinda patriotic, plus it helps the town's recycling program.

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