Biz News
Sex Scandal Suspect Rejects Subpoena, Demands Uberpoena
By Brian K. White
Dec 12, 2007, 14:30

world-exclusive photo of the 3 unnamed plaintiffs in this case

Fortune 500 company Tyco, long famous for slot-cers and rifle components, has been rock'emd sock'emd in past months by allegations of sexual harassment in low level management positions. The very and rampant complaints seemed unfounded until one suspect, Khalil H. Burrows, refused his subpoena for reasons previously unimaginable.

The complaints leveled against Mr. Burrows and nearly a dozen other ineffectual middle managers ranged from "pubes on the pops" to "BJs for Benefits" but nary a scrap of evidence nor testimony pointed to anything inappropriate nor illegal. That was of course until counselman Hutz, on behalf of Mr. Burrows, issued his statement regarding his client's position.

Judge Conradi, the adjudicator hearing the binding arbitration, issued a fact-finding subpoena Tuesday to hear testimony from Mr. Burrows shortly following service on Thursday. The following statement was issued:

"My client, Khalil Burrows, refuses to acknowledge the subpoena by this or any other court. Although he is willing and eager to cooperate with law-enforcement and judicial proceedings in any way possible, the inference to his 'poena' as 'sub' is so inflammatory, ignorant, and reprehensible that no such request can be honored. If however you wish to hear sworn testimony by 'Big Dick' Burrows, please order an uberpoena directly."

Now it seems the crack in this case is as obvious as the lengthy crack in the backside of the reputedly portly Mr. Burrows himself.

"That [expletive deleted] offered me a grand and to felch absinthe from his unwashed anus," said Samantha Jefferson, an unnamed plaintiff in the suit against Tyco. "I did it to keep my job but never saw a nickel and still got more laid off than laid.

The anonymous Ms. Jefferson, secure in her anonymity on 1420 Rockefeller Lane, is one of four with highly specific details as elaborate as puboidal corner mole and J-bent penile dysfunction. If true, such gentle irregularities could be the nail in the Tyco coffin that's nailed so many pretty, every weight, middle-aged secretarial underlings.

Any fixture in an office should be considered permanent wants nailed to or screwed on a desk. Contrarily, it's the shot on and let go who've raised this second sort of office stink.

And no sub-poena will bring Mr. Burrows in. The Court is still considering its ability to issue this odd, other sort of subpoena but, in the meantime, a bench warrant has been issued for the arrest of Mr. Burrows and his neighborhood has been warned about the allegations against him and duly advised to "lock up your spinsters."

More on this story as it develops.

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