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Papa Smurf Threatens Global Domination
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Jan 17, 2005, 11:30

Brawny Smurf has taken Smurfette as his own and is ready to kick some ass. Look out, civilized world - the Smurfs are back in town, and they're pissed.

Papa Smurf, speaking today from his fortified compound outside of Twin Falls, Idaho, indicated that the Smurf Nation is fully nuclear-capable. He continued, saying, “In addition, Handy Smurf, working closely with Brainy Smurf, has developed an impenetrable missile defense shield. Ladies and gentlemen, today we take our place as the world’s dominant military superpower.”

In a statement issued from his castle outside of Chisinau, Moldova, Gargamel said, “You’d better not cross those little bastards. I mean it. Have you seen what they were willing to do to Asriel and me? Sheeyit, those little [expletive deleted] are ruthless! Now they have the bomb? Crap! All I can say is, ‘Look out.’”

President Bush immediately warned Papa Smurf that any military action would be met with overwhelming U.S. military force. Papa Smurf issued a laugh in reply, stating that it was foolish to think that the United States could keep down the Smurf Nation if it can’t even take care of insurgents in a “crappy little country” like Iraq. President Bush replied with another threat of military force and the whole debate devolved into a session of “Yo’ mama” put downs.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge could not be reached for comment, as he was already locked deep inside his secret Rocky Mountain bunker. While it is known that this bunker is bomb-proof, it is also known that there is no running water or sewage system installed to date, so it’s anyone’s guess as to how long he’ll really be able to stay tucked inside there.

Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell commented, “In the name of international peace, we beseech the Smurf Nation to exercise restraint in its use of nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons have one purpose: deterrent. Well, that and blowing the [expletive deleted] out of Japan a few times.”

Papa Smurf, however, was not so easily deterred. “We are actively pursuing a full NBC [nuclear, biological, chemical] program of offensive weaponry,” said Smurf. “But that shouldn’t keep the tourists away! Hell, no! Come and sun your bare asses on our beaches, frolic in our tsunami-free waters, romp and tumble with a topless Smurfette – and if you’re into midget sex, then man, the Smurf Nation is where you want to be!”

Papa Smurf has been working on designing chemical weapons that kill upon contact. Here he is seen deep in his laboratory, experimenting with various mixtures.

Taking twenty seconds out of his busy schedule of playing Risk with Karl Rove, President Bush said, “We will not be intimidated by the Smurf Nation. They may have the bomb, but we are da bomb. United States military power is second to none, and as I think I’ve proven, I’m not afraid to use it, even when it is a blatantly bad idea to do so.” He added, “I got this to say to Papa Smurf – yo’ mama’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she gotta make two trips. Oh yeah! Snap! That should put that little blue [expletive deleted] in his place.”

Even terrorist “mastermind” Osama bin Laden weighed in on the issue, through a videotaped statement sent to al-Jazeera television. “I respect the culture and customs of the peaceful blue people of the Smurf Nation and bear no ill will to them despite their infidel ways,” said bin Laden. “Perhaps one day, the nations of Islam and Smurf will rise up together to overthrow the decadent, whoring West. Allah be praised.”

Papa Smurf was quick to answer bin Laden’s statement, saying only, “That bearded [expletive deleted] is one [expletive deleted] nutjob.”

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