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Jesus is a False Blonde
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Feb 5, 2005, 11:05

Though depicted here as a brunette, Jesus is usually shown as having fair features, something that would be very unusual for a person from that part of the world. Jesus also took part in a lot of 1st century product placement campaigns, as seen here.

Jesus is a false blonde. While Glossy News will not argue the fact that he is the Son of God, we would like to point out that he is, presumably, the son of Mary, as well. Mary, being a nearby resident of the city of Bethlehem, located in the Middle East, was almost certainly a dark-featured woman, as people from that part of the world are wont to be. So unless baby Jesus was hit with some kind of supernatural, super-dominant blonde gene, it seems more than likely that he – contrary to popular depiction – was dark-featured as well.

We caught up with St. Peter processing newcomers outside the Pearly Gates. “Oh yeah, Jesus used product,” said Peter. “In fact, when I was an apostle, I was constantly running to the local Long’s Drugs to replenish his supply of Clairol. It wasn’t that he was vain or anything, he just felt that he had a certain ‘image’ to keep up, you know, to keep the followers happy. As you can see, I’m a brunette, but I guess Jesus just felt that the Son of God should be a little different than your average man; stand out in the crowd a little more. To be honest, though, I never really asked – I just hopped to and did as I was told.

St. Paul told us, “Well, to be perfectly honest, I can’t really remember clearly anymore. I mean, come on, that was two millennia ago. But I guess I do have this vague recollection of having to make an emergency stop at Walgreens on the way to performing another miracle – I think it was the fishes and loaves thing, not that it matters. Come to think of it, Jesus was always battling ‘roots.’ At the time, I thought that was some kind of deep metaphor that I just didn’t understand, so I just shook my head and went along with it. But now that I’ve had some time to ponder the problem, I think he may have been talking about hair roots.”

We found Jesus sitting at the Right Hand of God in Heaven (thanks for the guidance by Dante’s Travel Services, LLC), and sat down to rap with him for a few minutes. Favorite food? Duck. Favorite movie? The Last Starfighter. Favorite miracle? Water into wine. Favorite hair-care product? L’Oréal, because I’m worth it. Ah-hah! So you admit, you use product? At this point, Jesus’ legendary patience grew thin and we found ourselves banished to the seventh circle of Hell. So now we can tell those of you who are curious – it really sucks down there.

We stopped the Roman soldier who thrust the spear into Jesus’ side, and he said, “That guy uses product? Really? But it looked so natural, at least from where I was standing, and I think I had a pretty good view. No, I’m sorry, I just don’t believe it. That guy’s a natural blonde, which is unnatural for these parts, which is part of why we had to kill him. See, it all makes sense when you think about it.”

We were granted an audience with God Himself, and used our time to ask about hair-care products for the benefit of you, the Glossy News reader. God said that while he did not specifically invent hair dying products, they are part of his grand scheme of free will. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him a zebra,” said God, much to our confoundment. “What I’m trying to say is that I created Jesus as a brunette – so he’d fit in – but with the desire to be blonde. If he chose to use product, you can’t pin that one on me.”

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