Sports
Ice Skater Mistimes Jump, Shoves Skate Up Ass
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Mar 4, 2005, 09:26

Alexandra Sashenko of Russia attempted a Wilson, but mistimed the jump and simply landed on her side, with her skate safely out of her ass.

Sixteen-year-old Deborah Wilson is recovering in St. John’s Hospital today after suffering an ice skating injury that left her with an ice skate hanging out of her ass. Halfway through her two-minute performance, Ms. Wilson attempted a triple axel, but mistimed the landing, bending her leg in a horrific manner than ended up shoving her right ice skate right up her firm little ass.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said coach Gregory Ivanovich. “I mean, I’ve seen girls come down and sprain an ankle, even break a leg – but shoving a skate up your ass was a totally new trick for me. In fact, it was so unique, I’ve been studying tape to determine if she [Deborah] could do it again on purpose and incorporate it into her act.”

Ice princesses have long sought out new moves, as the triple axel, triple lutz, and triple salchow are being done to death. Recently women have been attempting quadruples of these jumps, but with little success.

The shoving of the skate up the ass, however, was an entirely new move. “It hurt like hell,” said Deborah from her hospital room, “but I think it was worth it. It really made the performance mine and not just a collection of random moves, you know? I hope the other girls don’t try to copy me, because it just wouldn’t work, I don’t think, to have everyone shoving a skate up their ass.”

Anastasia Bonovonia of Belarus was the next woman to attempt what was now being called a Wilson (most ice skating moves are named after their inventor). At the Frankfurt Invitationals, she entered into a triple axel then bent her leg in the same manner as Wilson had done, and tried to shove her skate up her ass. Unfortunately, she miscalculated her rotation, and simply landed with the fleshy part of her ass on the pointy end of the skate, skewering herself and getting blood all over the ice.

Amy Parker enters a Wilson with the high hope that at the end, she'll be laying on the ice with her leg bent at a weird angle and a skate shoved up her ass sideways.

The men were not oblivious to this new entry into the skating world. Scott Thompson attempted a variation of the Wilson, entering it via a backwards somersault and attempting to come down with the skate up his ass. Unfortunately, like Bonovonia, he mistimed his rotation and simply ended up severing his testicles with the sharp edge of the skate. Hilarity ensured as assistants came out on the ice and tried to chase down the bouncing testicles before they got away. Thompson is recovering slowly with his testicles reattached.

After witnessing this second tragedy on hospital television, Ms. Wilson, whose sphincter was now quite loose, opined, “This just goes to show that this is my move. Nobody else can execute it as flawlessly as I can – even though I will admit that at first I didn’t mean to do it on purpose. But I did it once, and I can do it again.”

Meanwhile, in Beijing, Chinese ice queen Zheng Xio-Dong attempted a Wilson and executed it perfectly, shoving her skate even farther up her ass than the original move. It is thought that this move will be judged on both grace of entry and depth of implantation of the skate. If so, Ms. Wilson has her work cut out for her at the next Winter Olympics.

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