Biz News
AOL To Remove "AOL" From It's Own Name
By Johnny Dupe
Sep 19, 2003, 15:00

The relationship between Time Warner and AOL was the most unsuccessful corporate merger in history. Wanting to put the negative connotations aside, AOL Time Warner now calls themselves "Time Warner, Inc."

Sure, it's ALWAYS looked tasty...but just try getting rid of those AOL cookies.

AOL would also like to forget the embarassment of being AOL, with the years of not be able to log in, all the costly add-ons, impossible email monikers and mandated use of their pathetic browser, services and interface. AOL has thusly dropped "AOL" from their name. They are now known as "nothing" or in some circles "the mega-conglomorate formerly known as ass [and who still is]."

Vincent Parrish, spokesman for Nothing, said the decision to be nothing had been mulled over for several months.

"AOL has been basically nothing for years now. We lose an average of 150,000 subscribers a year, but that figured jumped an extra 6 million last year, and so we felt that needed to be addressed, especially after that mooked up merger [with Time Warner]."

So what does the future hold for Nothing? Despite being nothing, AOL vows to continue to be useless, while adding more spyware, mandatory shopping wear, quadrupling the number of popups and making all features utilize cost-per-use pricing, all while further restricting access to the greater world wide web. They are out to prove that being useless can be costly, which will lead them perfectly into their next phase of propaganda.

"We're going to be renaming to 'Something' within the next year", Parrish said. "Then we'll go through one more name change and be known as 'History' by mid 2006."

In short, subscribers are asked to buy more stock, encourage their friends to sign up, and in exchange they will keep giving you the service, support, freedom and availability they have become legendary for.

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