Biz News
Hell's Angels to be Canada's Only Crime Sydicate
By Paul V. Cameron
Aug 3, 2004, 08:07

Live to bulk, bulk to live: Good God, are ALL Canadian bikers this huge?

Crime watchers, economists, and governments are aghast at the latest pronouncement by Canada's Hell's Angels - that they plan to be Canada's only crime organization.

"This is a shocking announcement," commented Professor Emer I. Tuss of the University of Toronto. "Monopolies generally are bad under any circumstance. A crime monopoly is probably the worst."

Canada's Minister of Justice and former hit-man Ralph "The Trigger" Hefferson, said that "Canada was not interested in seeing any organization monopolize the business of crime in this country. Illicit drug and prostitution prices have been kept low due to a healthy level of competition among criminal elements, and a single organization running the whole show would prices through the roof making. Unaffordable drugs and whores aren't good for anybody, ay?"

...well, apparently things ARE bigger in Canada, including the hogs. Rowrph!!

Even though no Hell's Angels members could be reached for comment, it's well known that they have been actively trying to create a monopoly on crime, or "a crime monopoly" as it's known, in many parts of Canada. For instance, in Winnipeg, HA runs every aspect of drugs and prostitution either directly or through subsidiaries. As a result, Winnipeg has the highest prices for street drugs in Canada. And sexual services for men are practically unaffordable but for the most wealthy of residents. Tourism has dropped considerably as a result as many travellers choose cheaper Canadian locations for their illicit Canadian drug and sex needs. Or, they just go to Thailand.

"Hell's Angels are like a big box retailer," offered crime org watcher B-- T-- (name withheld due to witless protection). "They're the 'Wal-Mart' of crime. Once they're in your community any hope of having a variety of providers is lost. The 'Mom&Pop' criminal operations like the one that I ran, and was burned out of, get crushed since they simply can no longer compete."

Well, yes, this is good...but why ruin the outfit wth a red bikini?

In the final analysis there seems to be more than enough interest and energy for Canada's various crime orgs to try and stare down the Hell's Angels menace and stand up for itself in these tough times. Membership drives, in the form of mail-outs and TV ads, are now in full force as other crime purveyors try to bolster their numbers and corner the market.

The impact on the satellite crime world such as money launderers, bookies, mules, stool pigeons, and the like remains to be seen. It is known many of those in the so-called "business of crime" are offering deep discounts on secrets and laundering services. In the mean time, Canada's competition watchdog, the Competition Bureau of Competition Watching, will be monitoring the situation to ensure healthy competition in the area of crime is preserved and protected.

"We got Americans coming in droves for cheap prescription drugs, ay?" said a Bureau official. "And we're gonna keep 'em coming for whores, coke and ex, too. And black market Candain beef, ay? Our slogan is, 'Come to Canada for all your buzz needs, ay?"

Oh Canada! Throw me down and put some skid marks on me, bitch!

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