Halloween Costume Special Report 1 (Heaven & Hell)

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Halloween Costume Special Report 1 (Heaven & Hell)
By Brian K. White
Oct 21, 2007, 10:53

Our favorite time of year has come again, it’s Halloween and Glossy News is ready, able, willing and indeed even eager to begin putting together our festive Halloween costume report where we tell you what the hottest costumes for the year are. In our first installment we’ll tackle the popular getups in the realms of heaven, hell and the occult.

First it’s important to explain that, while we don’t endorse these costume choices, we do very strongly support their examination and the free exchange of their beauty, emotional invocations and in such cases as it applies, their outright hideousness. Love it, leave it, or write your congressman to make it either illegal or mandatory.

And while you’re looking at Halloween costumes, check out these other Glossy News Halloween articles: Best Halloween Costumes You Missed - Nevada Offers Plenty of "Tricks" for Halloween - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 4 - Osama, Insurgent Costumes Big Hit this Halloween - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 3 - Special Halloween Costume Report - Part 2 - Special Halloween Costume Report - Agri-tourism Bad for Agora-tourists - Door-to-Doorascopes (Halloween Horrorscopes) - Razor Blade Sales Down Despite Halloween - Safe Halloween? Personal Body Armor Costumes Are FUN! - COSTUME REPORT - Martha Stewart Inmate Collection - Halloween Candy Special Report - COSTUME REPORT - Moving Targets - Jason Furious Over Second Billing In 'Freddy vs. Jason'

Traditional Angel - Well, maybe she isn’t entirely traditional, but if you really want to see some motors getting to revving right around the red line, not much will do the job as quickly or completely as getting your visible abs, streaked locks and precious heavenly wings on towards the acquisition of manly man juices quite as quick as making like you’re an angel.

Let’s face it, we all know you’re anything but that, but that’s not the point. That’s the very essence of Halloween in a nutsack, you’re supposed to be something you’re not, and that’s what’s fit to make you as heavenly delightful as possible. The tan might not be enough to scream “slut”, but the gobble-m’-beaver gaze should bring it all to a head nicely, whether literal or physical.

In order to don this attire you’ll need just a few simple items. Angel costume, perfume, spermicide and a simple assortment of antibiotics. Also, the costume is optional.

Off-White Angel - Want all the angel appeal but lack many of the “natural white” qualities? Do not despair, there is so much that can be done west of the international date line. I know I’ve dated there and the harps strummed as fine as any other, but to hold up to international standards these products have to meet and exceed even higher standards, and that’s where the off-white angel costume really shines through.

Just like with the traditional angel costume you’ll need some white wings and other assorted frillies of angelic suggestion, but you’ll have to take it a step further. Donners of this costume can not merely suggest that their cleavage is spectacular enough to warrant a beg for a chest shot, it’s best to just go explicit from that get go. Show it all off like the pleasing angel you are, but don’t just walk about topless, that’s indecent.

Wear no angel-shirt (as indeed this reviewer is hard pressed to even guess as to what such a thing would be, save for the plunging neckline,) but opt instead to conceal your exposed girly buttons with decorative and eye-catching artwork.

This is very similar to the traditional angel costume, but when a chest isn’t innately eye-catching, it’s imperative to take steps to circumvent the issue. Use brightly colored paints instead to attract the eye to your undeniably covetable chest, you hot, hot angel.

For this costume you’ll need the usual angel items, a girl chest of any size and to be of Asian decent.

Satanic Womban - It’s pronounced like “woman” with a silent “b” in case you’re wondering. This costume is the very definition of truth in advertising. While the goatee may tickle and delight whilst making out at the Y, the devil waits within to kick and scream its infantile way out with nothing but a paternity test and giganti-cock to prove you’re the father.

If your face is beautiful and your hair and body flawless, you don’t need to disguise who you are or whom you’ll promptly become. Dress up as a devil on the outside as surely as you are within. Don’t be afraid of rebuke this Halloween, as any man who sees this photo will assure you, evil or not you’ll freely be entitled to the man-chowder of his man-spouter. Think of yourself like a praying mantis, your mate knows what awaits and it does not deter him.

Bat Angel - If you want something between the angel and the devil, between real and imagined, between human and beast, this costume (and this girl) is perfectly appropriate for you.

I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t be sexy, I have gigantic ears, a snout for a schnauz and a skin disorder that makes me look like a pasty-breasted wombat without the wings.” You’re glass is half empty, my dear, this costume is very, very popular amongst wearers and on-lookers alike. You’re not a freak, you’re just freakin’ hot.

Throw on the cloth wings already, no ones going to think twice about your huge, hairy ears or nose of unseen likes shy of Star Trek. Seven of Nine is one of the most loved (by proxy) women in all of modern history and she had non-Hindi dots on her face, what’s that all about?

All you need for this costume is your natural abnormalities, costly synthetic wings, clown paint that more or less points to your crotch and the willingness to succeed as a sexy, scary, bat of a woman. Men already know women are all batty, you’ll come across as more honest than the rest. Then just hang out on Halloween in your favorite haunt and see how much interest and how many telephone numbers you get.

This simple costume will do more for your social and love life than all the therapy and plastic surgery you’ve ever had, and we offer all this up to you at no cost. That’s how much love we have for freaks like you. Also, might you please email us your telephone number and measurements?

Fat-Bat - When you can’t be a scary bat, be a regular bat whose intimidation is limited to his or her weight, but specifically to her weight, you know what I’m saying? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all kinds of a chubby-chaser myself. This girl is as up my alley as one can get without “strapping one on” but I’m still free to recognize my bee’s knees are thicker than most fine girls’ upper thighs.

And as with any year, be safe and smart when trick or treating, turning tricks, stealing treats or otherwise spreading or taking your holiday joy.

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