Health
Girlfriend Glitter - the Man Tag
By Daniel H. Blazejewski
Nov 16, 2007, 17:32

Sometimes glitter dispensing units are disguised as articles of clothing, such as the hairclip seen here. Other times, it's more insidiously hidden in the makeup.

Gentlemen, have you ever been involved with a significant female other? Did you ever feel trapped in the relationship without ever really understanding why? Did you find that once you were in that relationship, other women were turned off by the sight of you – the very women that, a mere week before would have been all over you like flies on mayonnaise? The answer is simple – you’d been tagged. Girlfriend glitter.

The married man knows that he’s been tagged. He wears a symbolic wedding band to show unity with his wife – or at least, that’s what we’ve been told. This practice actually dates back to ancient times as a way of females silently communicating to other women, “hands off, he’s mine.”

The engaged man seemingly has a little more latitude, as he has yet to be tied down with a wedding band, but the truth is, he’s in the same boat as the man in the serious but-as-yet un-engaged relationship. Both of these men are victims of girlfriend glitter. What is girlfriend glitter?

Have you ever noticed that you’ll be dressed up all fancy to go to the symphony or a day out at the museum or something and notice that your girlfriend seems to have stepped into a shower of glitter? It’s in her hair, in her makeup, it’s all over her. This ingenious device is girlfriend glitter. When a man is in close contact with his woman, pieces of girlfriend glitter silently detach themselves from the host body and reattach on the man’s body – and it’s darn near impossible to get off. Thus, your woman is quietly announcing that you’ve been tagged – you’re hers – to other women who might otherwise be competing for your affections.

Margaret Hamilton, 28, of Roseville, Minn., said, “Oh yes, everybody but the men know about girlfriend glitter. It’s such an obvious method of tagging your man. It’s subtle, so most of the time he doesn’t even notice it, but when he does, he just feels more ‘manly’ because it means that he managed to get close to you – just as close as you let him get, that is.”

“I was girlfriend glittered on my birthday,” said Michael O’Conner, 32, of Bullhead City, Nev., “and it was a total kill for my entire day. My buddies took my out to a strip club, but the women there refused to give me a lap dance – I didn’t know why at the time, but I do now; I’d been glittered. These woman won’t violate the sacred understanding that goes along with the use of girlfriend glitter. I tried washing it off in the men’s room sink, but the damn stuff just refused to come off.”

You'd better bet that your girlfriend has had you tagged since the moment she decided that you were hers. That's just the way it works.

The first recorded instance of the use of girlfriend glitter dates back to medieval times. Maid Marion, consort to Robin Hood, used girlfriend glitter while they were dating, which is why you never hear of Robin’s exploits with the ladies. Similarly, Lady Guinevere tagged King Arthur to keep other women away, only to go off cheating herself with Sir Lancelot.

Cletus Huxley, 29, of Opp, Ala., tried his own bastardized version of “reverse” girlfriend glitter when he took out an indelible marker and wrote the word, “Mine” across his girlfriend’s forehead while she slept in a drunken stupor. Sadly for Cletus, this only served to anger the girlfriend, and he was forced to go back to dating his sister.

Girlfriend glitter – can it be stopped? Probably not. The only thing you can do is accept it and move on. As we speak, DuPont chemists are working on an anti-glitter cream to be applied after the offending glitter has been accumulated. Won’t you donate and help your fellow man? As for married men, we’re sorry, but we’re afraid that you’re just out of luck. The wedding band is a much more formidable opponent – but at least it can be removed. Remember men - you've been tagged.

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