New USDA Food Pyramid Promises Options, Confusion

Health
New USDA Food Pyramid Promises Options, Confusion
By Brendan Alexander
Apr 26, 2005, 05:18

Baby, it's what's for dinner.

The USDA has been working for many years now to update their ancient and outmoded food pyramid, and without having even seen it I've got a version of my own ready to go.

Just like with the old food pyramid, my own dietary triangle starts with a pointy summit of stuff you can't have a lot of. Up tippy top is a jagged crag of tasty treats. That's right, the peak of the Perplexing Pyramid is called "heaven" and consists of candy, ice cream, bubble gum and maple syrup, hold the pancake. It's awesome and you want it but it's only allowed in small amounts.

The next part of the pyramid is stuff you get to eat. It's stuff that's still good but no candy. Bacon, balogna, Mac & cheese and PB&J are all part of this working, middle class group. It's called "earth."

At the foot of the pyramid is leafy greens, bread and other stuff I don't see a reason to eat. It is this place that we call "hell." This stuff requires trickery to get it down the hatch. I can extract the bologna from the bread, but not the peanut butter. That's a good trick. I can even swallow some slimy spinach as long as it's slathered in two parts ranch dressing.

This is the biggest, bottom part of the pyramid not because it's the most important, nor because you should eat the most of it, but because it's the hardest to get through. It's like a treck through the desert without so much as a camel for company or a car window to roll down.

Notice, if you will, the color coding system. Red for candy makes sense, right? Orange for cheesy foods and anything pizza-colored, logical. And green, well, obviously that's the color for Mr. Yuck, and I know better, I'm keeping my distance.

The middle is where life is really at. In the absence of hot dogs and french fries, you can't be certain you're really alive and you probably won't live very long because chicken nuggets are intregal to survival.

Force me to eat green beans but reward me with Skittles. Yin and yang, the pyramid has balance.

The FDA has not yet released their new food scheme, and be wary of it, rumor has it that it's just another pyramid. Mine, on the other hand, is already ready to go. Bookmark this page, print it out, whatever you have to do, but be sure to get your daily dosages from each of the three groupages. Although if you can glaze over the veggies onto the doughnuts you're a luckier man than me.