Health
Study Finds "Flintstone's Kids" Numbers Diminishing
By David Cumti
Oct 2, 2003, 09:04

"Flintstone's Kids", once numbering around 10 million, were placed on the endangered species list by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Tuesday.

Research indicates abuse of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins has turned many of our youth to lives of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Cool.

Current population statistics track Flintstone Kids' numbers between three and four thousand, and experts believe their rapid rate of decline could have their numbers below one thousand by 2005.

Population scientist James Bartlett said the statistics were alarming.

"It's simply frightening," he said. "Nobody saw this coming. We've all been so worried about pandas, lions, and spotted owls that we took things for granted."

Bartlett, who himself lost a Flintstone Kid in the early 80s, broke down midway through his interview.

"One morning while I was reading the paper, my son Johnny walked into the kitchen and told me, 'Dad, I don't want to take Flintstones anymore. I want Centrum One-A-Days.' That's when I knew I'd lost him."

Flintstone Kids enjoyed thriving numbers up to the mid-90s, when their population peaked at over 15 million. A declining advertising campaign is blamed for the dwindling numbers.

"You don't hear the jingle on TV anymore at all," Bartlett said. "I always loved that commercial that had the kids singing '10 million strong... and growing.'"

America's youth once had no hope of proper daily vitamin supplementation, leaving them underdeveloped, ugly and inclined to wearing dorky clothes.

Researchers point to several reasons for the decline. Age plays a huge part, since many Flintstone kids have grown into Flintstone adults. In fact, the number of Flintstone adults is steadily growing.

But the number of kids who make the transition into young adulthood leave behind the Flintstone habit, opting for more balanced vitamin supplements.

Bartlett mentioned another reason that he said embarassed him. "Some people, like my son, feel immature taking artificially colored and sweetened pills. But who cares if they're in the shape of cartoon characters? I guess some people just naturally lose that kid inside them."

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